29

Imminent

McCoy could feel exhaustion creeping up on him. The kid had taken his last vestige of strength. Leonard was more than ready to go to bed. But he had a few things to tend to first. His footfalls echoed down the empty corridor, there had been people milling around on the other decks, but there was nobody to be seen on seven. It was only a short way to sickbay and he was there in moments.

His scowl was fixed as he entered and it was just as empty in there as the corridor. Chapel was sat at the nurses' station tapping between some PADDS but there was barely anyone else to be seen. She looked up as the noise of his steps reached her.

"Hey, Doc. As you can see there's no one left in here, but Lizzie's waiting for you."

McCoy blinked, a frown fell on his face as he began to plan for every possible scenario.

Chapel sensed it, "She's fine. Just said you told her to come down this evening." She glanced at the chronometer, "She's been in there a while."

At her explanation McCoy remembered he'd made O'Neil promise to come back.

Christine was still watching him. "Anything wrong? You seem distracted."

"Our Captain will drive anyone sane to distraction."

"Point taken."

The nurse turned back to her work as McCoy headed to his office.

Stepping into the room, the doctor was greeted by Lizzie lying across the sofa asleep; curled on her side, her arm hanging slightly over the edge. Leonard would have done a double take, except, this wasn't the first time she'd fallen asleep on his couch.

What did surprise him was that she didn't wake up, by now she had usually jumped three feet in the air at the opening of the door. Passing her, he checked that she was indeed still breathing, before taking the seat behind his desk.

Leonard pulled a pile of PADDS towards him and began skirting through reports, checking details and signing his initials, tossing them into another pile as he went. As he neared the bottom he became more and more certain he was going to fall asleep on his desk. As he flipped the penultimate PADD onto the pile it came clattering down. McCoy swore vehemently, glaring at the scattered PADDS in distaste.

"You know, if you wanted me up you could have just said," Lizzie stretched, nearly missing McCoy jump at her words.

"Sweetheart, you really need to stop sleeping on my couch," McCoy's voice lacked bite, instead his southern accent was thickened by exhaustion.

Really, he didn't mind in the slightest that she'd been in and out of his office for weeks. When she was there he could keep an eye on her and he knew she was safe. Although, he felt that he should try and get her to sleep in her actual bed. What he probably couldn't fully appreciate, was why Lizzie found it so easy to slip into sleep when she was there.

"And you need to stop frowning so much."

"Sorry to have to break the bad news to you darlin', but I'm not the only one around here who frowns."

"So I've got myself a resting bitchface. Tell me something I don't know."

McCoy had his head under the desk scooping up the PADDS. Lizzie stood to retrieve the few that had flown in her direction.

"I heard there's been no engineers in here today and that it might be a new record for sickbay?"

"Oh really? That could only be true on this damn tin can. Looks like them lot need to find something better to do than jabber."

Lizzie rolled her eyes as he came out from under the table and banished the reports into a desk draw, "Don't be mean, McCoy."

Leonard just rolled his eyes back. Lizzie replaced herself on the sofa, folded her legs and sat watching McCoy scribble on his last report. He chucked it in the drawer with the rest before slamming it shut, standing and leaving the office. Lizzie tapped her fingers across the smooth material of the sofa. The dark leather matched the dark palette of the office furniture, it was in direct contrast to all the other blinding white spaces of the ship. It was oddly soothing.

McCoy came back balancing another PADD and a hypospray, taking the empty space next to Lizzie, part of a now familiar routine. He checked the PADD, while Lizzie stared determinedly at the floor on the opposite side of the room.

As he altered the dose on the hypospray he watched her out of the corner of his eye, purposefully giving Lizzie time to prepare herself. Since the last 'incident' she'd been struggling with taking all the hyposprays. Leonard easily recalled the first time he'd tried to give her one when she'd once again been fully conscious.

He clipped in the cartridge and dialled up the hypospray, eliciting yet another flinch from Lizzie. McCoy weighed his options carefully. Better to be quick and get it out the way, or go slow? Lizzie wasn't outright watching but she kept darting her eyes back and forth over her shoulder, keeping an eye on what he was doing slightly behind her as she sat on the biobed.

She was very quiet, her only movement was her rubbing fingers. McCoy frowned at the nervous gesture, she'd never been bothered by a hypo before.

He'd made his decision, and as her eyes darted away he pressed the hypospray to her neck. Lizzie jumped at the sudden contact as the hypo released its dose with a hiss. Throwing herself off the bed she turned with a snarl on her face. A consuming need to protect herself, she looked as if she was about to lash out across the bed. Only a wild look remained on her usually calm features.

McCoy lowered the hypospray in his hand slowly, placing it on a nearby tray. He held his hands up and out, as if trying to pacify a wild animal. From behind her, staff were beginning to make their way over, armed with sedatives.

He gave an almost imperceptible shake of the head to his staff. That was not what she needed.

As she perceived the threat lessened, Lizzie's breathing became noticeably heavier, more ragged, she turned with light footed speed and fled the sickbay.

McCoy gave an irritated sigh and resisted the urge to kick something. Instead turning to snap at his staff as they stood watching, before he following carefully behind her.

Since then, he'd found it was better not to take her by surprise, giving her plenty of time to adjust before administering anything.

"Ready?"

Leonard was gentle as he asked. As usual Lizzie merely nodded, but her body was tensed, coiled once again ready to flee. He could feel the stress radiating off of her. It was almost a different woman to the one who'd been sitting at ease cross legged barely moments ago. Now her back was rigid and her feet planted firmly on the floor, her hands clasped tight, fingers interlocking.

McCoy was still struck by the change. Previously, O'Neil had easily conceded to his ministrations, but now where hyposprays were concerned she seized up, her once curious gaze now fixed the floor, where before she'd moved her hair easily off her neck, it now hung loosely in place around her shoulders covering the bare skin.

He was gentle as he lifted her hair back, carefully tucking it behind her ear and around her neck.

"Okay. One," he lifted the hypospray, "Two," placing it against her neck the contact caused her to flinch, "Three," he injected the contents. After the initial contact Lizzie worked hard not to jump back at the hiss the device made as it released the contents into her neck. She barely felt the pinch, it was the sound that set her on edge. McCoy had quickly moved the hypo away and tapped on his PADD.

Knowing it was over Lizzie relaxed slightly into the chair. A lone angry tear dropped down her face. She allowed a hoarse admission to escape her lips.

"I hate how scared I am, Leonard. I'm a useless wreck."

McCoy placed his things on the small table, before shifting slightly to face Lizzie.

"No. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're going to be okay."

His soft hazel eyes searched her fierce green, silently asking her permission. She didn't back away, instead leaning in towards him. Leonard placed an arm around her, drawing her to his side, her head resting in the nook of his shoulder. She closed her eyes, inhaling his woody scent mixed with antiseptic, finding it calming. The gentle pressure of his arm was grounding, not confining.

He ran a hand through her hair as she lay against him. He stoked the soft ginger strands, his fingers grazing against her ear. It sent tingles across her skin and down her neck. A calmness fell over Lizzie. She found the doubt and despair ebb away, slowly replaced as a deep seated content overcame her and she found that she was the most at ease she'd felt in a long time.

McCoy relaxed into her presence, equally benefitting from the calm. A fond protectiveness fell over him, which subdued his rising temper at Kirk and Spock. His exhaustion temporarily forgotten as he ran the silky threads of her hair beneath his fingertips. He leant his head on hers.

"Everything's gonna be okay, darlin'."

And right there, Lizzie felt she could almost believe him.


The door to the lab was wide open, her presence in the hallway preventing it from closing. Lizzie sat back against the wall, head resting on her knees as she looked into the large room. She couldn't see a lot from her vantage point, but it was enough.

She supposed Mike and M'Benga were aware she was sitting there, but neither appeared in view very often nor did they mention anything. As she was sitting in the corridor people would go past, but no one bothered her. Lizzie so badly wanted to be back in the laboratory, she knew it was where she was meant to be. It was her calling. And despite everything, it was where she wanted to be above anything else.

So she sat and waited, running protocols in her head, refreshing every little detail that she could. Lizzie had returned here often over the last few days. Sometimes going to find her office, sometimes not leaving the corridor. She'd read the reports on her PADD, or check over inventories, she'd even written a few reports for M'Benga one night.

Lizzie was unmoving as she heard a figure enter the corridor on her left. It was the entrance to sickbay and people flickered in and out all day, Lizzie payed it little attention and continued to watch over her lab protectively, hoping against hope that M'Benga wouldn't destroy it.

"Lieutenant."

Lizzie jumped to her feet like she'd been hit by a rod of lightening. By ignoring the person to the left, she'd allowed herself to be ambushed. To her side stood Captain Kirk, wearing a confused smile as Lizzie scrambled to attention.

"Captain."

"At ease, Lieutenant."

Lizzie relaxed—although not completely.

Kirk didn't stop there, "I didn't think you were on duty yet."

She rubbed her fingers together before looking pointedly at her blacks, "That's because I'm not, Captain."

A frown flickered across Kirk's face, but it was gone as soon as it arrived. "So how come I find you down here then?"

Lizzie tried to suppress the blush creeping into her cheeks, "Err...well...I'm just...keeping an eye on things."

A smirk plastered the Captain's face and Lizzie wasn't sure what she wanted more: the ground to swallow her up or to wipe off his knowing smirk.

It was out in the open properly now.

"Yes, I'm a bit of a control freak. Everyone knows. Surprised Leonard hasn't told you already."

Kirk's expression went dark at the mention of McCoy's name. Lizzie wasn't daft, she could very well tell something was wrong between the two from Kirk's reaction.

Not wanting to interfere Lizzie asked, "Did you need anything, sir?"

"As you mention it, I was hoping I'd be able to talk to you about something."

Kirk had plastered up his happy-go-lucky façade. Lizzie readied herself for an onslaught of questions she didn't really want to have to answer, but if he was asking, she felt bound to answer him. If Starfleet had ingrained anything it had been the chain of command. And Lizzie had hardly needed the lesson in the first place. She offered a stilted reply.

"Of course."

"I've got a free minute, if you have?"

He glanced at the still open doors to the med lab, suggestive that she was indeed free. Lizzie was beginning to wonder more and more whether this was more of a set up rather than a coincidence.

Lizzie tried really hard not to roll her eyes.

"Walk with me?" he turned before adding, "and I saw that Lieutenant."

Lizzie cringed, she thought she'd controlled it.

"I think Bones is a bad influence on you. I'm sure Spock would agree."

Lizzie decided to play his game.

"I would have thought the Commander was above that kind of human interaction."

"Above it, maybe. Immune? No." He gave a cocky smirk knowing he'd won.

Lizzie had no response to that one. She rubbed her thumb and forefinger together as they entered the turbolift. Kirk called for the deck, Lizzie had no idea where he was going, but she hoped it wasn't too far, thereby ending their encounter.

But once again luck wasn't written in her stars and as they walked down the corridor Kirk said little of value and offered no explanation for his real reason for their conversation. It put Lizzie on edge knowing he was skirting the topic, her skin was beginning to tingle slightly as recollections began to swarm at the edges of her consciousness. She pushed her nails into the palms of her hands, forcing the memories back.

While she was trying to distract herself, Kirk had continued his aimless deluge and led them into a small briefing room. Coming to, Lizzie quickly swung round, taking in her surroundings having been slightly panicked by the change of scene while she was distracted.

Kirk looked at her, a slight hesitancy at her reaction, "We can go somewhere else..."

"No, here's fine. Sorry...I..."

"You don't need to explain." He sat in one of the seats and gestured for her to take one.

Lizzie stood briefly. She'd thought it was going to be quick, but this looked like it was going to be long. Very long.

"I just wanted us to go somewhere private," he offered in explanation.

Lizzie sat. Both feet firmly planted on the floor. She clasped her hands and placed them on the desk, willing them not to shake.

"O'Neil. I know you've struggled with the events that surrounded the incident and I—"

Kirk was struggling with how to address the matter, his usually tactful and charming manner somewhat lost. Lizzie jumped into his broken flow.

"Captain, you can call it what it was. The planet was called Trouvadore."

He nodded in understanding, "And I appreciate the statement you gave us access too from the footage, but I've come up against the Admirals and they want real testimony."

Lizzie gulped. It was something she wasn't ready for, even now. She couldn't stand in a room of people and tell them how she'd failed.

Kirk went quickly on, "I've managed to negotiate with them. If I release the footage of your conversation with Bones, they won't require your attendance in a court martial."

Lizzie felt the weight in her stomach recede slightly.

"I'm sorry, but they won't take our word. They insist they need it. I don't want to betray you, but I can't disobey a direct order. I'm sorry, Lizzie."

Lizzie was shocked. This was all he wanted. The video footage she'd already allowed them to see. She'd almost expected it to be circulated instantly.

He was upset about this?

Relief flooded Lizzie's voice, "That's what this is about?! You're worried about— Captain, you've no reason to be sorry. I knew you'd probably need it."

"You're not mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"Because I've implicated you in something you don't want to be involved in."

"It's not exactly your choice. I understand you're trying to help me as best you can. I don't want to stand and talk about it, but that doesn't mean I blame you for whatever they insist on."

He rubbed his neck, "I wish Bones would see it that way."

Lizzie looked slightly confused at Kirk's concern about the Doctor.

"He knows you'll do your best to help me, like you would any member of the crew, just as I know you'll do." She paused, "He's just worried I'll snap."

There was a beat.

"And will you?"

Lizzie gave a sad smile, hiding how scared she truly was, "I wouldn't be much use to anyone if I'm broken, now would I?"


Lizzie stared unseeing out of the glass window. Her lonesome figure had been standing in the observation lounge for hours, unmoving. The room was cast in the shadow of darkness, her figure obscured by the looming darkness. Time passed unobserved. The stars quickly flickering by, streaking as they were swallowed up into the darkness.

Numbness had set in and Lizzie was filled with an almost chilling calm. Her rampaging thoughts had reached a crescendo hours ago and all that was left in their wake was a wide empty space. She continued to stare, her focus drifting in and out.

The door to the room bleeped. Lizzie flinched at the sudden noise, but kept control of herself. Despite the lock she moved closer against the wall, merging with the darkness, waiting for them to move on having found that they couldn't get in.

But the sound came again. Resisting the urge to flinch Lizzie remained flush against the wall, unwilling to be disturbed by anybody. She glared resolutely out of the window.

The door hissed open, Lizzie resisted the urge to hiss in irritation at the intrusion, burying her confusion as to how they managed to unlock it.

You'd better not have done this, Scotty.

She prayed that the shadows would keep her hidden, unwilling to interact with anyone. It had been a rollercoaster day of emotion and she was completely spent. Lizzie was acutely aware that she had no energy left to fight, she couldn't back away from an onslaught of curious crew members, she couldn't answer their questioning glances or join them in their zealous get togethers.

The heavy footfalls fell across the deck. They were coming closer to her side of the large room. At their final approach, Lizzie conceived she was found and trapped with no way out. She turned quickly, eyes glinting mistrustfully in the light.

"Relax darlin'. I'm not here as a doctor. I'm here as a friend"

Her eyes softened slightly as they fell upon the Doctor. She relaxed in recognition, his southern charm working its way through her defensive position. She turned back to the window wordlessly. He closed the distance, standing at the other side of the window, leaving her plenty of space.

"How'd you find me and get in?"

McCoy gave a small smirk, "That's an easy one. Ship's rather good at tracking everyone. And I've got this wonderful override code."

"You shouldn't use and abuse it, McCoy."

He shrugged, "Who says I'm abusing it?"

"Me." There was a beat before she added, "Why are you here?"

"You've not been seen all day. You think you can just disappear and no one'll notice?"

"It's happened before." Lizzie's frustration had surfaced and the remark came out distanced and cold.

The frustration receded as quickly as it had arrived, having jumped from her mouth before she could box it up. Looking at the man across from her, the light from the window betrayed the dark frown that crossed his face.

"Leonard, I didn't mean—"

"No, it's okay to be angry."

He was perfectly calm. It was unnerving.

"I'm not. It just— I..."

She found herself tripping over her words, unable to convey her feelings. She'd only just managed to get a lid on them, yet here she was trying to hold down that same lid on the overpowering box.

McCoy's gaze followed the fleeting stars. Lizzie found herself watching him, unsure of what to say or do. It was as if with that one short sentence he'd removed the lock from her box and turned it upside down, freeing every feeling she'd ever had. Lizzie fixated on a spot in the darkness of space.

"I'm not angry."

There was silence. He wasn't looking at her. He seemed as if he were counting stars, intent on this other task.

"I'm a lot of things, Len, but I'm not angry."

At his name he focussed on her, sensing her need to be understood. She was still gazing at the fixed point, despite the outside movement. There was a long stretch of near silence. The hum of the ship perceptible in such quiet.

"You wanna talk about the things?"

Lizzie remained still in apprehension. Did she? Could she?

But where do I start? Talk about what?

"How about you start with what you've been doing up here."

It still surprised her how he could almost read her thoughts.

"You're scarily good at that, you know?"

"It's my job, darlin'."

Lizzie gave him a wry smile, "So I've heard."

"So?" He prompted again, smiting her deflection.

"Just organising everything."

McCoy raised an eyebrow at her vague answer. "You can do better than that, sweetheart."

"Organising memories, feelings, thoughts. Trying to get some sense out of it," she bit her lip momentarily. "It's all so chaotic...fractured."

"So you spent the day trying to put it all together. On your own?"

"There's not exactly an extensive list of people that know what happened." She bit her tongue, uncomfortably aware that she'd been abrasive a second time. Moving to sit on the nearby sofa, she pushed her palms into her eyes. "Sorry, it's just, there's not exactly a handbook."

McCoy leant with his back against the window, arms loosely crossed. A ghost of a smile crossed his lips, "No, there certainly ain't."

"It helped," she was being honest, "I cleared up a lot."

"But?"

McCoy's gentle prompts were slowly chipping away, digging for the truth.

"But, I struggle at the end. I...I see him. But I don't know how I feel. I don't know."

His questioning had been more damaging than she'd anticipated. The mix of emotions from the empty box flowed, they sloshed around weighing heavy in her stomach, resting tightly in her chest and beating with her heart.

The dam she'd worked to build was crushed by the breaching wave. She'd let the gates open and now she was flooded. Lizzie stared out the view screen window, tears gathering in her eyes. She fought to swallow them.

"If I'd left him behind there he might not be dead. I made him come. He got killed because of me. I spent weeks wishing he'd disappear so I'd never have to see him again. Now he's dead. I tried not to hate him. I wished him gone, but I never wished him dead, Leonard. Never wished him dead. He tried to help me. He was dead."

She cried. She cried ugly tears. Long and hard. Sobs wracked her body. Punctuated by broken thoughts and explanations. Lizzie roughly wiped the tears from her face.

The doctor moved to sit next to her, his concerned eyes caught the light.

Taking a shaky breath, she managed to squeeze out a muffled apology, embarrassed at her tears, "I'm so sorry, I can't stop them."

"If you need to stay here all night crying, then I'm gonna be right here with ya darlin'," he was genuine and there wasn't a trace of judgement on his face. He held out his hand, giving her time to reject his touch, consciously aware of her aversion to touch.

She neither moved away, nor moved towards him. But nonetheless Lizzie felt its inexplicable safety as he placed it on her knee. Something stirred in her chest, but she was too distracted to pay it any attention.

"You're not alone in this Lizzie, you never were."

Sighing, Lizzie waited for the tears to run dry. She placed a hand over McCoy's on her knee.

"I know."

They once again lapsed into silence. As time went on Leonard sensed the change in atmosphere as Lizzie leant into him slightly, feeling it was ready to lighten the solemn mood, he struck up conversation.

"So. How'd you lock them doors anyway?"

Lizzie let out a muffled laugh, "That's been bugging you, huh?"

Leonard shrugged, "Only a little, it doesn't really affect me."

"No apparently not." Lizzie managed a smile at the reference to his override, "I called in a favour with Scotty."

"Scotty?" he raised an eyebrow, "Seems he's becoming a bad influence."

It was Lizzie's turn to shrug. "He works a lot of gamma shifts."

It was all the explanation she felt necessary, and Leonard understood perfectly—she'd still been wandering the ship at night. He felt a hint of disappointment quickly replaced by understanding. She didn't always need him, Lizzie had always been independent and she did what she knew she needed to. Leonard recognised that.

"Sounds like you've been busy."

"You could say that. He's got some interesting stuff down there."

McCoy snorted, "You didn't pick the wrong section did you?"

"God, no. I love my job more than anything." And it was true. There was one thing that Lizzie missed and it was work. "But, it's good to have knowledge of other areas. I took electronics in school, I enjoyed it actually. Nothing as complicated as what Scotty's got going on down there though."

"You sound like Jim. He's always bouncing around the sections trying to learn. I think Uhura and Spock have got a ban on him going in their sections."

"I'm surprised you haven't joined in."

McCoy's deep chuckle filled the room, "I couldn't, even if I wanted too. The man would be dead within minutes."

Lizzie joined in his laugh, "That's all too true."

The conversation lapsed, both watching the passing stars.


Lizzie pulled up the rota on her PADD. Carefully scanning it she saw she was down for a week of nights. She could remember scheduling it, but it felt like such a long time ago. Three weeks. It felt like an eternity.

She sat at her desk looking at the chronometer. She would be due in the lab in nearly eight hours. She crossed the room to her cupboard. Lizzie took out the boots, the trousers, socks and undershirt. Laying them all out ready for the start of her shift. Reaching in to pull out a blue tunic she stood, thumbing the material. It was soft beneath her fingers. Deceptively clean. The feeling of the metal cuff in her hand made her blink, the hard stiff metal turned warm and slick beneath her fingers. She dropped it reflexively. She blinked hard. Willing the blood away. The feel of Malivian fur making her shiver as she wiped her pale hands on her top, trying to brush off the wetness.

Lizzie folded to the floor, putting her head on her legs as she waited for the vision to disappear. She didn't know how long it took to reset herself. Suitably calmed, she got into bed and commanded the lights off. Praying to some unknown being that her day tomorrow would go well.


Lizzie paused at the door to her quarters.

She'd managed to get McCoy to sign off. It had taken wheedling and needling and talking and sleeping. But she'd done it. She'd finally gotten what she wanted. She was going back on duty.

So why did it feel so wrong all of sudden?

Waving away the thought, she stepped into the dully lit corridor. Within a few steps she heard someone approaching. Turning to check who it was, she was greeted by M'Benga.

"Alright, Ginger?"

"What're you doing here, M'Benga?"

"Going to work."

"Of course. Such a happy coincidence."

"It would be if I wasn't scheduled for the same shift," he winked at her.

Lizzie had seen that he was on the same shift, but she was fairly sure he was basically escorting her to work.

"Did McCoy put you up to this?"

M'Benga feigned innocence, "Me? Never."

Lizzie stared at him hard as they walked down the corridor.

"Alright, maybe some of us thought it might be a nice idea."

You mean a good idea.

Giving him a measured glance Lizzie only said, "Okay."

"C'mon Ginger. It's going to be so much fun."

Lizzie managed a small smile at his enthusiasm. It was practically contagious.

Ejected from the lift, they trod the familiar corridor. The doors to the lab up ahead. They drew level and stood to go in as the doors slid open with the ususal hiss.

She'd been back to the lab briefly. There'd been the time she'd cleaned and she'd dropped by a few times to check on Mike. And the sitting outside. McCoy had also gone with her a few times because he had wanted to make sure there wasn't going to be a scene similar to the transporter room.

And everything was fine.

Everything before had gone well.

Lizzie had found herself missing it. She wanted to be back. She knew McCoy had been holding off on clearing her for duty, because it hadn't been long after opening up and telling him what had really happened before he agreed to clear her. It seemed to be that that was what he was waiting for. She'd been excited to be back.

So why do I feel like this?

She stood on the threshold. M'Benga had already passed on through. He turned on the other side, waiting for her to make her own way through. When she didn't, he reached out.

"Everything okay, Ginger?"

Lizzie nodded, "Yeah, course."

She stepped through.

See. It's just a doorway. They're everywhere. Nothing special.

They went through to her office.

Lizzie rounded on M'Benga instantly, pointing an accusatory finger at him, "M'Benga, me and you are gonna have words about how you treat my office."

He had the good grace to look sheepish, "It's been busy?"

"There's no excuse for...this!"

Lizzie couldn't find a word suitable to describe the catastrophic mess that was her office. She immediately went about picking up her medical journals and texts, gently putting them back in their rightful place on the shelf. She sent M'Benga a few well-placed glares.

Mike turned up as she was midway through sorting the mess that was her office. They greeted each other and both men felt content to sit and watch Lizzie tidy up.

"I see. You two make the mess and I'll clean it, right?"

"But you're enjoying yourself, Ginger."

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it," Mike said through a bite of cereal bar.

Lizzie rolled her eyes, "I should just completely restaff this place."

Mike looked suitably upset, "You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"You'd never get away with it, Ginger."

"Maybe, maybe not. But I think McCoy would be able to take my point."

M'Benga stage whispered, "She has the Doc on side now Mike. We need to watch ourselves."

Mike replied sourly, "You're all good, Geoff. You have another job waiting in sickbay."

"That's if the chief even takes me back. I hear it's been quiet over there. Apparently they like it."

"Oh give over you two. I would never actually get rid." She paused for effect, "Although, you do deserve to be written up for this absolute disaster. I think Spock would enjoy it."

It worked. They both shuddered and Lizzie felt the satisfaction that came with the exaggerated threat.

"Right then, don't you think you ought to catch me up properly. It has been a while."

It was quite a while later that they rounded off the handover and Lizzie was in shock.

"So. You mean to tell me that there were absolutely no transfusions or chronic infections in the last three weeks?"

"Nope. None." M'Benga grinned wide.

"So you're saying that people just go losing pints of blood whenever I'm on duty?"

"Pretty much," Mike chipped in.

Lizzie sighed. Such a long gap made a transfusion imminent. For a Starship there was a relatively high turnover of blood on the Enterprise, and it had surprised her at first, but she'd gotten used to it. Just like the other little anomalies associated with the flagship.

"Righto. Thank you, gents. Have a good night, Mike."

He went to pat her arm on the way out, but her flinch at the movement made him stop. Mike's face was covered with surprise and immediate regret at the action.

"I'm so—"

"It's okay, Mike," her voice was quiet but kind.

He nodded and glanced at M'Benga before he left the office.

Lizzie replaced a final PADD behind the desk, the room finally put to rights. She turned to M'Benga, "Shall we?"

They walked into biochemistry and Lizzie began checking analysers. There wasn't a lot on, so she knew she would probably be spending the night catching up on reports that M'Benga had failed to fill in. As she was re-familiarising herself with everything M'Benga interrupted her thoughts.

"It's hard work, Ginger. You're more than welcome to have it all back and I'll go wind McCoy up. I'm sure he's been having it far too easy since I left."

"Maybe," she said quietly. "Not quite though, M'Benga. I'm still a staff member down."

She left out that she still wasn't sure she was ready to be alone. Because she wanted to be, with every fibre of her being she wanted it. It just felt too risky to be left in charge. She doubted herself. The little niggling feeling that she wasn't good enough, that she wasn't on top of everything.

Of course you're not on top of everything. You've been away three weeks, give yourself the chance to catch up. Worry later.

They went about the different rooms, Lizzie inspecting all the machines, checking the very few samples in the lab. M'Benga followed her like a shadow. Lizzie wasn't sure if he was more of a comfort or a pain. He set her nerves on edge.

"Right I'll sort those reports out, you can sort the rest of the bits out here," she directed M'Benga, "if I need information for anything I'll give you a shout."

"Yes, Ginger!" M'Benga was full of energy. Mocking a salute, he went about busying himself as Lizzie headed over to her office. He couldn't help but watch her as she went in to her office.