Chapter Thirty
Jax watched the truck driving his old lady away until it disappeared from view. He flicked some ash from his cigarette, brought it back to his lips, and took a long pull to get some more nicotine coursing through him.
Right about now, he was certain of three things.
He'd known Allie was strong. He'd known Allie was brave. But he'd never known just how forged in fire she really was until today. His old lady was made of titanium. And a fucking phoenix rising from the ashes. He was certain of that.
He'd known he loved her before today. But after today, those feelings he had for her, the love, the commitment, the passion, the adoration, the devotion... those feelings were now woven through the very fabric of his being. Threaded through every vein, every nerve, every inch. There was no part of him that wasn't wholly and completely hers. He was certain of that.
And the third thing he was certain of?
That motherfucker was a dead man walking.
He flicked his spent cherry through the air, his eyes fixed on the spot where that truck had disappeared down the road. Then he gave himself a moment to suck in a deep breath through his nose, slowly pushing it out through his nostrils. It wasn't enough - nothing would ever really be enough, but that breath gave him a second of calm. Of peace. And then, a moment later, that dark current he'd been wading in since the moment he got a good look at Allie's face in the parking lot…that current just kept rising and rising until it slipped over his head.
With one last look out at the empty street, he dug into his cut for his cigarettes again and slid one out of the pack with trembling fingers. His fingertips were still shaking as he fumbled with the trigger on his lighter, but he finally got the thing lit and took a few puffs as he turned on his heel to head back inside the clubhouse.
When he pushed through the double doors, leaving a long trail of smoke in his wake, his VP was the only one waiting for him on the main floor.
Opie tipped his chin to him, his hands shoved tightly into his front pockets, and he rocked back on his heels as Jax stalked toward him.
"You need a minute?"
"Nah," Jax jerked his head from side to side, moving to brush past his VP to head inside the chapel, when a hand pushed against his chest to stop him in his tracks.
"Brother," Opie told him in a low voice. "I think maybe we should take a minute before we go to the table with this."
Jax just lifted a shoulder. "Everyone's waitin', right? We might as well get this shit over with."
"They can wait another minute, brother."
He paused there, his eyes flicking back up to find his VP's gaze. What he saw in Opie's eyes had to mirror his own - rage, devastation, grief, murder. They were all here for this fucking party.
"Where is your head at with all this?" Opie eyed him carefully.
Jax's eyebrows shot high into his forehead, and he had to take a step back. "Where's my head at? Where do you think it's at? Where is your head at?"
Opie's hands shot up into the air in defense, but when Jax took that opening to take another step toward the chapel, his VP's hands reached out to push him back.
"Listen, Jax, before we go to the table, I just wanna be clear about one thing, alright?"
Jax waited, his eyebrows lifting expectantly. His heart thundered in his chest in a staccato rhythm, and he figured that probably wasn't going to let up anytime soon. He'd probably be living in this rhythm, in this current, for the rest of the foreseeable future.
"We're gonna vote, right? You can't take anything onto your shoulders, or into your own hands, without a vote. You gotta let the table decide too."
He nodded slowly, pushing out a tense exhale. He knew that. And if he'd ever had any doubts he'd made the wrong choice in his VP pick, which he didn't, those doubts were nonexistent now. Even as the aftershocks still rippled through them, Opie was still level-headed. Still thinking clearly. Jax knew he needed to do the same.
"I got that, Ope," Jax nodded to him. "Whatever happens…I'm gonna do right by her. I'm gonna fucking make this right for her."
Opie nodded tightly, and then he stepped aside. There was really nothing more to say. The chapel was waiting, the club was waiting, and he was going to have to walk in there and say things he never, in a million fucking years, ever thought he'd have to say. But this was the reality of it, and there was just no getting around it.
As much as he wanted to keep most of these details as close to the chest as possible, if only for Allie's privacy, that just wasn't possible. The club needed to know. And they needed to know now so they could take action now before shit got worse.
So, he pushed through the chapel's doors, with his VP right on his heels, and his heart skidded right into his stomach at the sight of all his brothers, seated around the table, waiting for them. And in that moment, he knew they would have his back wherever church went today. Anything he wanted to do - he had a feeling they'd be with him on this one.
All eyes were on him as he sauntered over to the head of the table and took his seat, with Opie sinking down into his own seat. No one made a sound. No one even seemed to move as he gripped the gavel in his right hand so tightly his knuckles turned white. He tipped his head back to blow out a steady stream of smoke, and then brought his cigarette back to his lips to give himself one more moment.
Because there'd be a before and an after. In this moment, the before, he wanted to live in that for one more second. Because after…after was gonna be a hard road to travel down for a long time.
Jax sucked in one more breath with his eyes fixed on the table, and as he flicked some ash into the ashtray next to him, his fingertips still trembling around his cigarette, he drew his gaze up and out to find every single one of his brothers waiting patiently, some of them with mounting dread on their faces.
"I don't really know where to start here," Jax began hoarsely. "This morning, I woke up thinkin' our PI was working for us the way he said he's been working for us and that he was gonna deliver some intel today. I also woke up this morning knowing somethin' bad had happened to my old lady when she was in college - I just didn't know the specifics until now. And now, I feel like my whole fucking world just came crashing down around me."
He drew his cigarette back up to his lips, unable to meet any of their eyes at that moment. Tears stung his eyes and burned the back of his throat. But he could do this. He could get through it. For her. Always for her.
So, he swallowed hard, and barreled through it.
"We know him as Tyler Harrison, but Allie knew him in college as Tyler Chadwick. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Chadwick is probably his real name, but that's the least of our problems right now. Allie…" he sucked in another breath and swallowed tightly. "She dated him for a few months. She had to have been, what, Ope - 19, 20, at the time?"
Opie nodded grimly. "Nineteen, I think."
Jax nodded again, more to himself than anything, and drew one of his hands underneath the table to make a tight fist. He just couldn't stop the way his hands were shaking, and he just didn't want anyone else to see that right now. He had no idea how he was going to get these next set of words out - the fact that he had to say them out loud, that they were true…he almost had to shove out of his chair and find a place to vomit.
And then he just made himself do it. If she could do it, so could he.
"They were at a party," he murmured, and his eyes flicked up from the table, finding Bobby almost immediately, and finding tears already swimming in his eyes. "She was tryin' to end it with him. It was pretty clear to her, and it is to me, that all Harrison was after was banging a porn star's daughter, and she wasn't givin' him what he wanted. She actually ended things with him a few times at the party, but he didn't listen to her. She got good and drunk too - with how much she drank that night, I'm not quite sure how she was upright for as long as she was. When he carried her up the stairs, she didn't even know where she was. Didn't know who was carrying her or how she was getting there. She'd tried to call Ope a few minutes before and couldn't tell him if she was in the house or standing outside."
"I remember that now," Opie told the table in a desperate whisper. "I remember talkin' to her that night. I remember being worried as shit because she didn't sound like herself, and then her roommate took the phone and told me she was gonna take care of her and try to find her boyfriend. And I figured, sure, right? If she's with her boyfriend, she'll be fine. She texted me the next morning and said everything was fine, and I just never really thought about it again after that because I thought everything was fine."
Jax scrubbed his free hand across his mouth, his movements still shaky and a little too unstable for his liking right now. Ope wasn't the only one in this room Allie had talked to that night, and unlike Ope, he really didn't have any memory of that conversation. He knew the only reason he would've grabbed the phone away from Opie like that was because he was drunk, and because of that liquid courage, he'd acted on how much he'd missed seeing her every day at school. He'd gone from getting glimpses of her a few times a day to having to go completely cold turkey, and to say it had not sat well with him was an understatement. But he'd talked to her that night too, and what the hell had he even been talking to her about? Nothing important, that was for damn sure. Nothing that would've helped her - in fact, it seemed a little like the conversation he'd had with her had actually contributed to the way that night played out.
And he wished, with everything he had, that he'd gotten his head out of his ass about her so much sooner. Maybe, if things had been different, she would've been with him that night instead of on her own at that party at that fucking frat house.
Life had had other plans for them, but she was with him now. That was all that really mattered anyway.
And now, there was just no getting around the inevitable. He had to find a way to say it, even if saying the words would tear him apart.
"So Harrison carried Allie up the stairs, when she was too drunk to get up them herself," Jax pushed out. He didn't even recognize the sound of his own voice right now. "He took her into his room, pushed her down on the bed, forced his dick in her mouth, and then when he was done with that, he held her face down on the bed, and he raped her. I think she lost consciousness at that point, and he was still raping her."
He brought a trembling fist up to his mouth and then found himself pinching the bridge of his nose to bite back some tears. They'd come later, and that was fine. But when his eyes flew open again, he found some watery gazes looking back at him too. Bobby wiped a tear from his cheek. Juice's eyes were shining with them from across the table. Even Tig looked like he was on the verge of something an awful lot like that. Chibs too. Then his eyes landed on Piney, and found the old man watching him stoically, his eyebrows knitted into a disturbed line in his forehead.
"She woke up the next morning in bed with him and had to ask him if they'd had sex, and he ran a game on her - tried to get her to think she just wasn't remembering things right, that she was all over him at the party when she really wasn't, that she was too drunk to really know what happened anyway, and if she was too drunk? Then it was her fault. She wasn't saying no? Then he wasn't the one who'd done anything wrong. That fucking asshole didn't even bother to use a condom, so she had to go take care of that bullshit too."
Shit.
He hadn't meant to share that last part. That was too personal, too private, and more than the club really needed to know. But maybe in the grand scheme of things, it was better that they knew all those details, even the really dark and personal ones, so they really understood the depth of what Harrison had done to her.
Jax furiously mashed his spent bud in the ashtray, and immediately got to work on lighting up another cigarette, but his shaking hands just couldn't get the trigger on his lighter to go. Some movement from his right caught his attention, and he turned his head to see Tig reaching out with a lighter in his hand.
Tig tipped his chin to him with solemn eyes, "Here, bro. I got it."
Jax huffed out a laugh, but it was really just a cover to hide the fact that he almost broke down into tears right there, right then, at the table, in front of all of them. He took a moment to lean in to the open flame Tig held out to him, and then gave himself another moment to get a few pulls from that cigarette and find the resolve to get through this. Maybe if he could borrow some of Allie's strength for the next few minutes, he'd be able to power through it. He'd give that strength back to her, of course - she'd earned it and she deserved it. But it was that thought that found him lifting his eyes back to the table to finish this.
"She went to the cops, but that cop she talked to might as well have just told her he didn't believe her because she'd been drunk and dressed like she was going to a frat party. And then Harrison got the whole campus to believe his lie - that she was too drunk to remember and was just making it all up. Word spread, and I think just about every friend she had on that campus went the other way. And then that fucker was stalking her, showing up everywhere she was and laughin' at her, high-fivin' his friends for hittin' and quittin' the porn star's daughter. She did get help - she talked to an investigator that believed her, but the school did jackshit about it and just gave him a no-contact order for the rest of the school year. The only reason he actually did leave her alone was because she threatened him with the club."
He dropped that last part on the table and gave it a moment to sink in. Harrison, or whatever the fuck his name was, had known exactly who Allie's brother was and had known exactly what kind of club he was a member of. And if Jax had to bet, which he was going to, he'd bet that Harrison had known exactly which club Allie's brother was a member of too.
"Fucking sorority kicked her out for spreading rumors -"
Bobby huffed out a bitter laugh and scrubbed his face with his hands. "That's why she got kicked out? Jesus fucking Christ…" he squeezed his eyes shut and scrubbed his face again before shooting Jax a grim smile. "She told me she got kicked out and we had this back and forth about it - it was like a joke…me tryin' to guess why those Barbies kicked her out and her sayin' I'd never guess it…Jesus Christ."
He had to smile at that, even though it hurt, maybe because it hurt. Of course she'd done that. Of course she'd tried to find the humor in a situation where there was no humor to be found. Of course she'd walked through fire and come out the other side.
"Well," Jax huffed out a bitter laugh. "That's what happened. She had three weeks left of the semester and had to live out of a fucking hotel because she had nowhere else to go. Her last night there, that motherfucker put a picture under her door from that night - he knew exactly what he did, and the fact that he took a picture…a fucking picture, like it was a goddamn trophy or somethin'..."
He gave himself another moment so he didn't take that ashtray in front of him and send it flying through the air. He was almost there, right at the end.
"So Allie took that picture and sent it to the dean of students, along with an email saying exactly what that motherfucker did to her and how he'd gotten away with it, and then she sent it to the state and national chapters of his frat, and put that picture and that email up all around campus before she blew out of there and never looked back."
A few chuckles bit through the silence in the room, and he figured that was fair. She'd deserved that victory over him - it had been hardwon and well-earned, even if it had been bittersweet and even if it hadn't lasted. She'd gotten the last word, just like she always did, and he'd never been prouder.
"He got kicked out of his frat, lost his internship, had to transfer, but that was it. I'm guessing things got bad enough for him that he started using a different name, but he had to get that PI training and experience from somewhere, and when I think about the envelopes of cash we've been handin' him and how many other people he's probably workin' for right now…he's clearly not suffering either."
Jax blew out a heavy sigh, feeling relieved and spent all at the same time. His eyes lifted to the table, now that this part was finally, mercifully over. Now, they could move on to the next part. And so he waited, giving each of them a moment to sit with what he'd just had to tell them. Saying it out loud hadn't been quite as bad as having to hear her say it out loud, but it had been pretty fucking close.
And in the end, it was Piney who spoke first.
"Well," Piney shook his head, running a hand over his eyes as he spoke. "I'm sorry that happened to your girl, prez. I really am. That's…" he trailed off, running a hand over his eyes again, "that's some heavy fuckin' shit."
Jax's eyes flicked to each brother at the table, saw Bobby wiping away another tear, watched Juice fold his hands tightly on top of the table with his jaw clenched tight and Tig bring a cigarette to his mouth with thoughtful rage, and then his gaze drifted back to his VP, who nodded to him tightly.
He tipped his chin to Juice, tapping his still trembling fingertips against the table in thought. "What happened when you brought him the cash before?"
Juice just lifted a shoulder. "I told him somethin' came up and that you didn't wanna make him wait, so you sent me out to make the exchange. He didn't seem to care that I wasn't bringing him inside the clubhouse. Didn't seem to have any idea that anything was wrong inside the clubhouse either. He gave me the intel, and I gave him the cash. He told me he thinks he's almost got Darby pinned down and needs a little more time to get his location."
Jax nodded tightly, his mind working over those details and sifting them through what he already knew to be true about their private investigator. "And the intel? What was it?"
Juice pushed out a rough sigh, leaning forward against the table now. "He said he tailed Darby and a handler to a safe house about three hours north of town, but he thinks it's possible Darby's been moved again. I don't know - it seemed legit at the time, but who really knows now, right? I don't think we can take anything he's ever told us and any intel he's ever given us at face value."
And that was the crux of it. They'd been dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing this whole time. Just the thought of how many times he'd spoken to that fucker…how many times he'd spoken to that fucker on the phone when Allie was within earshot…it had him shaking with rage.
"I mean," Tig lifted his hands in exasperation. "What are the odds the bastard even went to Mexico in the first place? That Darby was ever really there in the first place? That Darby's even fuckin' alive?"
"And all that cartel shit too," Happy shook his head. "I gotta think it's likely he had us all worked up for nothin' and just to keep us handin' over the cash."
Juice nodded tightly. "He gave us all his travel expenses to prove the time he said he spent in Mexico, but that shit can be doctored. He probably figured we would just trust that he was tellin' us the truth, and he was right."
"I gotta feeling he's been runnin' around this whole time," Piney huffed angrily, "givin' us whatever line we needed to hear just so he could keep takin' our cash. I gotta feeling any intel he's ever given us has been complete horseshit."
"We just took his word fer it," Chibs shook his head, tapping his fist to the table. "Trusted the son of a bitch because…who would do that? And I just don't see what his game is here. What kinda dumb basterd would pull this shit with us like that? Knowin' who we are? Knowin' what we do?"
Jax blew out a long stream of smoke, his eyes rooted to the table as he spoke. "I gotta think, a guy like that, he had to have been keepin' tabs on her, right? In his mind, he probably feels like she cost him whatever future he'd had planned when they were in school, especially if he had to change his name. And, I know we were payin' him well, but it's not like doing PI work for an MC is exactly on the up and up anyway. He probably thinks she ruined his life. Of course he knew where she was, what she was doin' - if I were him, I'd probably keep tabs on her too."
"He obviously knew about me," Opie nodded tightly. "Knew who we were back then. But, I don't know, I'm not so sure what he's been after this whole time - us or just her, or maybe both. I mean, it's not like he could've known Allie was working for us when we first met with him because we hadn't even hired her yet."
"He might've known we had a deal in the works with her dad at the time though. And, to be honest, I just don't see a way that guy didn't know she's been workin' for her dad all these years. It's not like Jimmy would be hard to keep tabs on either," Juice threw out with a shrug, and then he lifted his eyebrows at Jax. "You think he's got any idea about you and her?"
Jax blew out a heavy breath and shook his head. "Hard to say. If he does, that would mean he's been tailing her around town too, and that makes him even stupider than we thought and that makes all this shit even worse. That being said, he obviously knew where she was today before she came to the clubhouse. He called me and said some bullshit line about somethin' comin' up with another client and that he might be late for our meeting today. And then when she saw him at the bakery she was at, she hightailed outta there and came to the clubhouse. And then after that, his schedule magically cleared up and he was able to make it to our meeting on time."
And now, the more he thought about it - what the hell had Harrison even been planning? What would he have done if Allie hadn't left when she did? Had he just randomly seen her at that bakery on his way into Charming, saw an opportunity, and took it? Or had he been tailing her? Still, in order for any of that to be true, Harrison would've had to have at least an idea of where she was living and what kind of car she drove in order for a run-in like that to even be a possibility.
"This fuckin' guy," Bobby huffed. "You know, I'd say I hope for his sake that he really doesn't know Allie is an old lady now and specifically whose old lady she is because…if he knows all that and he's still runnin' a con on us this way…Jesus, how fuckin' stupid do you have to be? But then again, I don't give a shit what he knows and what he doesn't know."
"You know," Opie laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "I'd bet my left nut right now that the son of a bitch thought he'd fuck with us just because he thought he could. I bet he got that call from Juice, figured out pretty quickly which club and which charter he was connected to, and saw an opportunity. I'd also be willin' to bet that at least half of what he gave us was legit, and the other half was bullshit, just to keep us on the line. And I bet he still thinks he can get out without a scratch as long as he delivers what we want in the end."
Jax nodded absentmindedly, his mind wading through everything his VP had just thrown out. There was about a 90 percent chance that Opie was 100 percent right about all that. And if that was the case, Harrison had sealed his fate the second he'd rolled up into T-M's parking lot and shook Jax's hand.
"So if all that's true," Piney called out from his end of the table. "Where does that leave us with Darby? And Clay?"
Jax's eyes flickered around the table, taking in all their reactions all at once. And they all seemed to know what he already did, and had known for a long time.
"I don't think this leaves us anywhere with Darby," Jax offered quietly. "I think we might have to accept that we may never find him. Sure, we can find another PI, we can keep looking, we can keep throwin' money at it, but at the end of the day, brothers, I think we might just be chasing our tails."
The table fell into a lull then, each member sitting stiffly in their chairs, chewing on that, processing that, until he saw some tight nods round the table and until Juice's voice called out:
"So what do you wanna do, prez?"
Jax hesitated, giving himself a moment to just sit with that question and let it simmer. He knew his answer already, and he'd known that answer the second he saw the look on Allie's face when that black Trans Am pulled into T-M's lot.
"What I wanna do," Jax murmured. "We're gonna need to vote on it."
That was really all that had to be said. His eyes lifted to his brothers again, and found them watching him carefully, with understanding and a little bit of sympathy there too. Tig nodded to him tersely. So did Juice, and Bobby, and Chibs. Even Piney and Happy gave him the okay for what needed to happen next.
"I know we said we were only gonna take one more body," Opie told the table, his voice filled with a lethal quiet that Jax had never heard before. "And I'm not gonna lie, I really struggled with that after what happened to Lyla - I wanted to renege on that so bad I could fuckin' taste it, but I understood then, and I still do, that what happened to Lyla wasn't enough for us to make an exception. But this…I think this is that exception. If odds are we're not gonna nail Darby, I'm willin' to take Harrison in exchange. After what he did to this club, to my sister…he doesn't deserve the air in his lungs right now."
"He's gotta come back to the clubhouse at least one more time to tell us if and where Darby was moved, provided that's even true of course," Juice lifted a shoulder.
Right, Jax nodded. That would be the easiest way to catch him off-guard. Make him feel like the job was almost, if not completely, over, like he'd done what they'd asked him to do and now he could walk away with their money and feel like he'd gotten some kind of sick victory over them, and Allie too. And then he remembered…and pounded his fist furiously into the table.
"Fuck!" he spat out, pounding his fist into the table one more time. "I shouldn't have let that motherfucker leave the goddamn parking lot today. The fuck was I thinking..."
"Bro," Juice just shook his head grimly. "I saw her face. She was scared and she was freaked out and she was askin' you to make him go away. You didn't do anything wrong. You just did what she was askin' you to do."
Bobby nodded sadly. "He's right, prez. Don't beat yourself up about that."
Jax shot them both a weak grin. While he was grateful for their understanding, he'd known he would regret it the second he gave Juice that envelope of cash and told him to get Harrison off their property. But in that moment, all he could see was her, and the fear and the shock and the anger gripping her beautiful features like blocks of ice. His first instinct had been to take care of her, to be there for her, and he didn't regret that.
"Look," Jax flicked some ash from his cigarette into the ashtray as he spoke. "I know what I'm askin' here if we vote on this right now. I know what we've already decided, what we've all already agreed to. And just to be clear, we don't have to vote today. I think we've got some time before he calls and says he's comin' back with more intel. We can come back to the table tomorrow or the next day or the day after that if we have to because I know this is a lot to process. I still haven't processed it - I don't know if I ever really will, but you know what I mean."
He pushed out a rough sigh and dove in headfirst.
"At the end of the day, I don't think we can put any weight in any piece of intel he's ever given us on Darby. And if that's true, and I think it is, that means we're no closer to getting justice for Clay either."
Or Gemma, he thought with a heavy heart. She may never fully recover from this now - just when she was finally starting to live her life again, and finding some damn happiness again. This was going to crush her, he knew that, but what Harrison had done couldn't be allowed to stand.
"But I think we're all in agreement here that Harrison, or whatever the fuck his name is, has committed some pretty fucking egregious and unforgivable sins against my old lady and against this club. We need him to come back to the clubhouse one more time, so I guess he's got one last chance to actually deliver on the intel he promised us. But even if that doesn't happen, I honestly don't believe I'll ever sleep, I'll ever eat, I'll ever feel like I can fucking breathe as long as he's still breathing. The shit he put her through, the games he played with her, with us…the way he took advantage of her and violated her trust and her body…I want him to answer for that with blood. His blood."
He waited long enough to see a round of nods wave through the table, and then he moved to the vote:
Jax looked to Tig first, who sat to his right, and Tig nodded before murmuring, "Yay."
Then he shifted to Chibs next, whose eyes were still rooted to his hands in front him.
"Yay," Chibs called out softly.
And then Happy: "Yay."
And Piney, who pressed a grim smile to lips as he nodded, "Yay."
And then Juice, who didn't hesitate: "Yay."
And Bobby, who still had tears in his eyes, "Yay."
And finally, to Opie, who nodded to Jax with a primal finality, "Yay."
"Yay," Jax whispered.
Fucking yay.
The table fell into a heavy silence after that as the weight of what they'd done, and what they'd all agreed upon settled on their shoulders.
"You know, prez," Piney called out into the silence. "I think I speak for everyone at this table right now when I say that - we voted, we're all in agreement on what needs to happen, and I think we can all make our peace with that for our own reasons. But as far as what happens now, and how it happens…your girl, your call, prez."
Jax's gaze shifted to the rest of the table and found them all nodding in solemn agreement. No one was even slightly on the fence about it. No one had felt pushed or talked into agreeing to this.
"Whatever you wanna do, Jax," Juice nodded to him tightly, hunching his elbows on the table as he spoke. "We got your back. You need me to dig you a hole, I'll dig you a hole."
"You wanna set the guy on fire and watch him burn," Tig nodded with a slightly depraved glint in his dark eyes. "I'll light the torch, bro."
Happy tipped his chin to Jax now too. "You wanna skin him alive, prez, I'll hold him down as long as you need me to."
Jax's lips lifted in a grim smile, even as Bobby shook his head furiously from his end of the table.
"I don't think any of that shit is enough," Bobby murmured hoarsely. "That fucker deserves more than just that."
He nodded tightly, and mashed his spent cigarette in his ashtray before lighting up another one. This time, though, he didn't fumble with the trigger on his lighter. This time, his fingers hit their mark.
"I don't know if I'll ever be able to explain what this means to me, brothers," Jax told the table in a hoarse, heavy voice. "The fact that you're all willin' to set aside this agreement we made - for me, for this club, for her…I'll never take that for granted, and I'll never fucking forget it. All I can say is that right here, in this moment, I've never been prouder to wear this patch and hold this gavel."
He found another round of tight nods, along with the resolve and the determination to see this through to the end with him. There was no doubt, no apprehension, and no question on any of their faces.
"So," Opie called out quietly. "What do you wanna do, prez?"
Jax took a deep breath. He needed to think on that one. There'd only be one shot to get it right, to make it right, and he wouldn't fuck it up. He just needed a little bit of time to let it simmer, to really let the feelings he had for Tyler Harrison envelope him and hold him tight. He'd find the right way. Something appropriate for his crimes. Something that would inflict the most pain and the most terror at the same time.
He wanted Tyler Harrison to suffer an agonizingly slow and excruciatingly painful death.
He just didn't know what that was yet.
"I need some time to untangle that," Jax told them with a heavy sigh. "When I sort it out, I'll bring it to the table to make sure everyone's good with it and knows the plan."
When he saw another round of nods make their way around the room, with nothing else left to do and say, he pounded the gavel to bring church to an end. Then he shuffled out of the room, nodding to his brothers as they made room so he could head out into the clubhouse first, letting them clap him on the shoulder and pull him in for a quick embrace in a show of support and respect, and he took that in. Let it happen. Let them give him that.
He headed for the bar first, mashing another spent cigarette in an ashtray before his elbows even hit the counter. He tipped his chin to the prospect behind the bar, and scooped up the beer the prospect set in front of him the second it hit the counter. Jax shifted on his heel, scanning the main floor for the prospect who'd driven Allie home, and when he found him, he tipped his chin to him, lifting a hand in the air with a whistle to call him over.
The prospect didn't waste anytime, ambling over immediately and tilting his head down to listen to whatever his president had to say.
"Yeah, prez?"
Jax sucked in a harsh breath as he brought his cigarette back up to his lips. His hands were fucking shaking again. Goddammit.
"Any problems gettin' my old lady home?" Jax murmured.
The prospect swallowed tightly, shifting his weight a little from side to side as Jax waited, his patience quickly wearing thin.
"There weren't any problems, but she, uh," he rubbed the back of his neck anxiously. "She was crying the whole time...all the way to her house."
Jax's heart twisted violently in his chest at the thought of her crying in the truck with just a prospect sitting next to her for company.
God fucking dammit.
Maybe he should've driven her home himself, but then again, he would've felt like he had to go inside the house with her and give her some kind of comfort, if there was any real comfort he could give her right now, and then the club would still be sitting at the bar, waiting for the answers he'd just given them.
Still, knowing she'd been crying, that he hadn't been there… he didn't know whether to break down into heaving sobs, vomit on the floor, or punch someone in the face.
"I didn't say anythin' to her, prez," the prospect jumped to explain. "I didn't think you'd want me to, so I didn't."
"You're right," Jax nodded to him tersely and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good job. And thank you for gettin' her home safe."
Then he leaned in, glancing over his shoulder to wave the prospect behind the bar over too, and he murmured to them both lowly, and pointedly, "I'm only gonna say this once, and you better make sure every other prospect knows this too - if anyone, and I mean fucking anyone, ever puts a drink in front of my old lady in this clubhouse, I will personally drag them outside, string them up in the parking lot, and beat them with a crowbar. We clear?"
They nodded anxiously, and he didn't feel the need to waste any more time with them here. They got the picture, and they certainly got the consequences they'd reap if they weren't careful.
And by now, his VP had sidled up next to him by the bar with his eyebrows lifted in some amusement.
"Can't say I blame ya," Opie told him as he leaned an elbow on the bar to light up a cigarette. "I agree it needs to be clear with everyone, if it wasn't already, that no one asks her about it or puts a drink in front of her, but you didn't have to make 'em piss themselves, prez."
"Oh, I think the punishment's pretty fair, especially if they're too stupid to remember."
"Alright," Opie huffed out a laugh, and then tipped his chin to him. "You should get home to her, Jax. You don't have to hang around here for any of our sakes. Besides, I'm gonna head out in a few myself - I'm gonna go home, hug my wife, and figure out how the hell I'm gonna get to sleep tonight."
Jax nodded tightly. Yeah, he really did need to get home to her. He wasn't necessarily trying to stall, but at the same time, he could feel it in the back of his throat. That lump in his throat, that pit in his stomach, that burning and stinging in the corners of his eyes…it was coming. And he didn't want that to happen in front of her. She'd already been through enough. The last thing she needed to deal with today was him breaking down in front of her.
Besides, there was something else he probably needed to take care of today too, if only to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with.
And, if he was being completely honest with himself, he just really needed to see her right now too.
Jax pulled into the driveway, killed the engine, and unsnapped his helmet before swinging his legs over the side of his bike. He just needed 15 minutes, maybe 20, to clear his head. All he needed was a little bit of a break and a little bit of guidance, and then he could be on his way. So, he walked around the side of the house, stopping just short of pulling the door open to the kitchen.
He huffed out a laugh, remembering he hadn't called before coming over here, and maybe he shouldn't just walk in without knocking first. He pounded a fist on the door, waiting, and then pounded his fist on the door again. That old familiar paranoia set in, and he had half a mind to run back to his bike for his Glock, but he still had his Ka-bar knife on him just in case. When he pounded his fist on the door again, and still got nothing, his instincts were screaming at him to get his ass inside the house and make sure nothing was wrong.
He knocked one more time, and then pushed through the door to step inside the kitchen with his hand on his Ka-bar knife.
"Ma?" he called out, suddenly feeling a little apprehensive that he was even in the house in the first place.
But he never really called before he came over, because he'd never really had to before. Besides, at one point, he'd lived here too. This had been his house too. But he had an uneasy feeling that the silence in this house had nothing to do with his mother being in any danger. And when he heard some hushed murmurs and then a thud coming from down the hallway, his eyes widened.
Oh fuck.
And then two seconds later, he heard her muffled voice from her bedroom, "Hold on a second, Jax!"
So, he took that second, hurrying back out the door he'd just come through, and glanced behind his shoulder as he brought his phone up to his ear. He knew he should probably just hop back on his bike and go home to her, but he also really fucking needed to talk to his mother right now.
"Hello?"
"Hey, baby," he smiled into the phone at the sound of her voice. At least she seemed calm, if not a tiny bit out of breath. "What are you up to right now?"
"Well, I just got back from a long run. It felt good. I feel better."
"Good. I'm glad that helped, baby. Is Dan home with you right now?"
"Yeah, he's here. It sounds like he's gonna spend the night at Adrian's apartment tonight."
There was a short pause, and then as if on cue, Gemma whipped the door open clad in a robe, a little breathless, a little disheveled. She hitched a hand on her hip, and of course, Jimmy was standing just over her shoulder, wearing a pair of sweatpants and that was about it. Just fucking great.
And whatever his mother saw written on his face had her eyes narrowing with concern.
"What's going on, Jax?" Gemma asked slowly.
He just held up a hand, turning his attention back to Allie, and took a few steps away from the house to give him a little more privacy.
"Hey, Allie," he murmured into the phone now. "I'm gonna get home to you as soon as I can. I stopped at Gemma's 'cuz I gotta bring her up to speed on some things, but look…your dad is here. And some of the shit I gotta talk to Gemma about…I don't know if you -"
"It's alright," Allie told him with a sigh. "Maybe…maybe it's better this way anyway. I really don't want to have to put myself through all that again and maybe it's just better if he hears it from you and not me. You can tell him, Jax."
He could hear the weariness in her voice too. The emotional exhaustion coupled with the physical exhaustion. While he wasn't particularly looking forward to what was going to happen next, if it would take this off her shoulders, and if it would make something, even just one thing, easier for her, then that was what he was going to do.
"Okay, Allie. I'll take care of it."
"Thank you, Jax."
He grinned softly into the phone, even though that only made the frown on Gemma's face deepen. "I'll be home soon. I love you."
"Love you too."
Then he snapped his prepay shut, and tossed it back inside his cut with a heavy sigh. When he lifted his gaze back up to where Gemma and Jimmy stood in the doorway, he found them both watching him carefully, cautiously, as if they both just instinctively knew his reason for coming over today wasn't good.
"Jackson," Gemma called out tentatively, her hands still hitched on her hips. "What's goin' on here?"
The longer he stood outside the house, the more agitated Gemma and Jimmy seemed to become, so Jax sidestepped around them until he was standing in the kitchen again, with his mother and his old lady's father trailing behind him.
"Jax…" Gemma tried again. "You gonna tell us what the hell is goin' on or you gonna just stand there all night?"
He scrubbed his face with both hands wearily, pulling out a chair at the kitchen table and sinking down with a heavy thud.
"I gotta talk to you about somethin'," Jax told them softly, running a hand through his hair and then, with a glance at Jimmy, he winced a little. "Jimmy, you think you could…I don't know, put on a shirt or somethin'?"
This was all surreal enough on its own, but to have Allie's dad - who also happened to be banging his mom - sitting here at this table without a shirt on was a little more than he could handle. Gemma and Jimmy exchanged an apprehensive glance, but Jimmy obliged, padding down the hallway to disappear into Gemma's bedroom for his missing shirt. Now, Gemma sank into the chair next to Jax and covered his hand with hers, her eyes widening with surprise as she looked down at their hands.
"Your hands are shaking," Gemma whispered. "What's wrong?"
"We should wait until Jimmy comes back," Jax nodded tightly, but that didn't ease the worry creasing Gemma's forehead or the dread he saw creeping across her face. Jimmy appeared in the kitchen again a few moments later, this time wearing a shirt, and he joined them at the table, taking a seat across from them.
"Jax," Gemma prompted.
He swallowed tightly, giving himself a moment to light up a cigarette and he was glad Gemma took that moment to do the same. She was going to need the nicotine in a few minutes anyway. And then, with his eyes rooted to the table, he launched into it, determined to keep this brief and as painless as possible.
"Somethin' came up with our PI, Ma," he told her, finally letting his eyes drift over to Gemma, whose face had turned to stone. He tipped his head back to blow out a long stream of smoke to give himself another moment. "We feel pretty positive that all the intel he's been giving us these last few months has been complete bullshit."
Gemma leaned back in her seat stiffly, but her eyes never left his. "And how do you know that, Jackson?"
Jax blew out a heavy sigh. "We know because we found out today that Allie knew him in college," his eyes briefly flicked to Jimmy, but he tore his eyes away just as quickly. "She dated him for a few months - he was going by a different name back then and that's why she didn't make the connection whenever anyone talked about him until she saw him pull up into T-M's parking lot today."
He paused there, unable to look Jimmy in the eye, so he glanced at Gemma instead, and found her eyebrows already knitted together uneasily, almost like she already knew what he was about to say.
"So," he ran a hand through his hair again and swallowed hard. "She was tryin' to end things with him, and they were at a party. She got drunk to the point where she didn't know where she was, what she was doin', if she was inside or outside, and then he carried her up the stairs to his room, and he raped her."
Now that it was out, for the second fucking time today, he never wanted to have to say those words ever again if he could help it. Gemma and Jimmy didn't need the rest of the details or the rest of the story - this was the most important part, and this was the thing that had signed Tyler Harrison's death warrant.
Gemma lifted a trembling hand to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. And Jimmy…he couldn't make himself look at Allie's dad just yet. He knew what he would see, the devastation and the rage that had to be all over his face, and Jax just wasn't ready to bear witness to all that yet.
"Jesus Christ," Gemma exhaled. "Is she…where is she right now? Is she okay, Jax? What happened?"
"She's at home right now," Jax pushed out roughly. "Dan's with her. I had a prospect drive her home after she talked to me and Ope about all this at the clubhouse today."
Now, Gemma was leaning forward. "But is she okay, Jax? You should get home to her - we don't have to do this right now."
"She's…strong. So fuckin' strong," he told her. "You know that. And I know I need to get home to her, and I will. I will. I just needed to talk to you first."
His mother nodded slowly, understanding and sympathy filling her dark eyes immediately. At the end of the day, he'd just needed his mom for a little bit. Just needed to talk to her.
And then Jimmy called out hoarsely from across the table, his face twisted with devastation and grief: "So what happens now?"
Jax nodded to him tightly as he flicked some ash from his cigarette into the ashtray Gemma pushed at him. "Now, in light of all this, we know we can't take anything he's ever told us at face value. There's no doubt in my mind he's been keepin' tabs on her all these years - on her last night before she transferred, he put a picture of her in his bed from that night under her door. So, she took that picture and sent it to everyone who'd be able to do somethin' about it - the dean of students, his frat, the place he was gonna intern that summer. He lost that internship, got kicked out of his frat, had to transfer schools…everyone must've known at that school then that she was telling the truth - they didn't believe her at the time, but I think they did after that."
Gemma's lips quirked up into a soft smile, and she murmured with a nod, "Good for her."
"Yeah," he nodded proudly. "And if things got bad enough that he had to change his name, change all his plans, of course he blames her for all that, right? I can't imagine a motherfucker like that has ever taken responsibility for anything in his entire life."
"And you think he's been watching her all these years? Knowing where she was? What she was doing?" Jimmy called out achingly from the other side of the table as he ran a hand over his face.
Jax nodded tightly, feeling an angry line tick down his jaw just at the thought. "He knew about the club back then too. Knew who Ope was. I'm not exactly sure what his plan is here, but he's been runnin' a game on us, that's for damn sure. He knew exactly what he was doin' when he took that first meeting with us, and I got a pretty good feeling he's been just draggin' this shit out. Tellin' me he thought he had a lead but it didn't pan out, tellin' me he just needs another week or two, tellin' us he found our guy but now he's been moved…I think it was all just a cash grab for him. Either he's known exactly where Darby was this whole time, and he's been runnin' a con on us, or he's got no idea and all this intel is bullshit, and he's still been runnin' a con on us."
He leaned forward now to put a hand on his mother's shoulder.
"And, Ma," he told her gently. "I think this means that we may never find him. The club made peace with that at the table today, okay? We tried, we really did, Ma, but I don't think we're ever gonna find him."
Gemma sat stiffly in her chair, staring blankly at the lines in her kitchen table.
"I wanted to tell you now," Jax pushed on. "So you could start makin' your peace with it too, and so you understood why we're takin' our PI off our payroll."
Jimmy tipped his chin to Jax, his dark eyes hard and filled with barely-contained fury. "And after you take your PI off your payroll, what happens then?"
Jax lifted his eyes to meet his old lady's father square in the eye. "I'm gonna make him pay for what he did to her in blood."
Jimmy eyed him carefully, letting those words, that declaration, that vow, settle over the room with a grim finality.
"I'm gonna make this right for her," Jax told him in a firm, resolute voice. "I promise you that."
There was nothing else he could say. Nothing else he could do - other than to make good on that promise. And he would. He really fucking would.
Jimmy nodded absentmindedly, rubbing his fingertips over his mouth, and then he pushed out of his chair, and started stalking toward the door. He stopped halfway around the table, and met Jax in the eye before holding out a hand to him.
"I trust you to take care of this. Whatever justice you think needs to be dealt, I trust you do to it," Jimmy nodded to him as Jax reached up to shake his old lady's father's hand. "I gotta take a walk."
Jax glanced over his shoulder long enough to see Jimmy stalk out the door, his shoulders tense and hunched over, and then Jax shifted his gaze back to his mother before roughly scrubbing both hands over his face. Gemma put one hand on his shoulder, and reached out with the other to cover his trembling hands.
His chest was heaving now as he swallowed hard, feeling the wall start to crumble around him. He'd spent the last few hours staying calm, keeping his cool, remaining the stoic president he had to be in the face of a club crisis, but he'd hit his threshold now. His shoulders began to shake as he brought a trembling hand up to cover his face, tears stinging and pricking until they finally filled his eyes.
With tears streaming down his cheeks, he hunched over the table, both hands covering his face as his entire body gave way to the heaving sobs he'd kept at bay before now. He couldn't stop them now. Couldn't stop the way his body shook and heaved. Couldn't stop the devastation that racked his body. The grief. The fucking horror of what had happened to her, from start to finish.
He hadn't really let himself think about it before now. To let it really and completely hit him. That someone had held her down, and forced her…her...
Then he shoved out of his chair at the table, his throat burning and his stomach churning, and he sprinted into the kitchen with Gemma right on his heels. With both hands on the sink, he jerked his head down and emptied the contents of his stomach right there in his mother's kitchen.
Everything seemed to blur around him, and he was vaguely aware of his mother's hands on his back, pushing his hair out of his face, but he just squeezed his eyes shut as one last round of vomit burned his throat. His head dipped down into the sink again as he heaved and gulped for air at the same time. And when his body finally had enough, his knees buckled and gave out on him altogether.
Gemma ran the faucet for a few moments, and then sank into the floor with him as his elbows hit his knees and he covered his face with his hands. With his mother's hands around his shoulders, he gave into it all again, letting out all the guttural, devastated sobs he'd kept at bay.
"I don't know what to do, Mom," he whispered in between sobs. "I don't fucking know what to do. Don't know what to say…don't know how to help her."
Gemma leaned in to pull their heads together, her arms still protectively encircling his shoulders. "I know, baby. I know."
He swallowed hard as another hot tear rolled down his cheek. "How could that have happened to her? I just can't…I keep picturing it now. I keep seein' it happening in my head over and over again, and I just…I just fucking can't."
Gemma blew out a heavy sigh and pushed some hair out of his face. "I know, Jax. I know. I don't think any of us will ever be able to make sense of it. I don't know what else to tell you."
He covered his eyes with a trembling hand and pinched the bridge of his nose in a weak attempt at abating those tears. It didn't work. All he could do was shove the tears away with the back of his hand as they fell. There was nothing more he could do except sit on the floor of his mother's kitchen, lean back against the cabinets, and cry his eyes out.
"I just don't understand how she's even still standing," Jax whispered through his tears. "The things she went through…Mom, she said it hurt," he choked on that last word as his shoulders shook with sobs again. "She said it fucking hurt, Mom. I don't think she was even conscious for half of it, but she fucking remembers that it hurt. I just can't…I just fucking can't. That someone could do that to her, hurt her that way..."
He couldn't say the words anymore even if he wanted to. He didn't think he'd ever be able to say it again without needing to find the nearest trash can, or kitchen sink, to vomit in. And when he thought about all the times he'd had Allie's body wrapped around him, the trust she put in him every time, the love she gave him every time - the heaviness of that, the magnitude of it… he couldn't even begin to wrap his head around the fact that she'd given that to him so freely, so passionately, and without hesitation.
He'd never take it for granted. Not for one fucking second.
He really was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world.
"Jax," Gemma murmured to him gently. "I know there's nothing I can do or say that will ever make this better for either of you. But I do know that Allie is strong. She's tough as nails - and maybe this is why. But setting aside all that, your old lady is still standing. She's picked herself back up, built a life for herself, and she's invited you into that life. All you gotta do is love her, Jax. Just love her. That's all you can do for her now."
"I know," he nodded into his hands. "I know. But, Mom, you don't understand…I talked to her that night. I was fuckin' drunk off my ass and I don't even remember it - the first I heard about that shit was when she told me about it a couple hours ago. I talked to her."
Gemma was frowning back at him now, but her hand drifted across his back to rub it soothingly. "What do you mean?"
"That night that was the same night we were celebratin' in the clubhouse when Ope found he was gonna be a dad for the first time, and he called her to tell her. I grabbed the phone away from him and started talkin' to her. I don't even remember that. Not a fucking word. It was just bullshit too. Complete fucking bullshit. But I talked to her maybe an hour or two before it happened - I was fucking sitting in the clubhouse gettin' wasted and probably fuckin' around with some stupid croweater, and where was she, right? Where the fuck was I?"
His mother pushed out a heavy sigh and tilted her head to the side, her eyes filled with sympathy and understanding. "Jax, there was nothing you could've done to help her. You were in Charming that night and she was hours away at school. There was no way you could've known and even if you did, it's not like the two of you were in a place where she even would've wanted you ridin' in to the rescue."
"I know," Jax sighed as he scrubbed a hand over his face and wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. "I know that. I just…I'm just having a hard time wrappin' my head around all this shit. And you wanna know what's even worse?"
His mom's lips lifted grimly in a sad smile of encouragement. "What's that?"
"I treated that motherfucking asshole like a guest in my clubhouse. I welcomed him, I gave him booze, let him get comfortable with a croweater…I talked to him like we were friends or something, Mom. Do you get that? I actually thought he seemed like a decent guy, someone who was cool, someone I'd hang with outside of the job…and the whole fucking time, the whole time, he was lying right to my face. I fucking talked to him on the phone when I was in her bedroom, Mom - she was in the room, fucking getting dressed when I was talkin' to the person who…I hate myself for that, Mom. I fucking hate myself for that. He knew what he was doing. Knew what he'd done to her. Knew who we were. And he still had the balls to walk into my clubhouse and pull that shit with me. I can't…I can't even put into words the way I wanna tear him apart, piece by fucking piece."
And it wasn't even just that. It was the betrayal attached to it. The slimy deception of stepping foot onto Samcro's property, shaking hands with him, and acting like he was some kind of professional, all the while knowing he was sitting in the same clubhouse that belonged to Allie's former step-brother and the rest of the club.
Gemma nodded, sympathy written all over her disturbed features. "I hear you, baby. I can only imagine…I'm sure it feels like the rug got ripped out from under you with all this. Here, you'd thought he was doin' his job, and that he was gonna find Darby, and now it's all shot to shit anyway."
His lips pulled apart in a grimace, and he shook his head, running a hand through his hair as he spoke. "I'm so sorry, Ma. When we hired him, everything looked legit. Juice ran every background check, did all the digging, cross-checked every reference, and it all looked real. And maybe it was real - I'm sure he probably is an actual private investigator and that at some point, he might've delivered what we hired him to do, but, Ma, I just can't let this stand. I can't allow him to -"
"I know," Gemma nodded tightly, her hand squeezing Jax's shoulder reassuringly. "You need to take care of this. It's not fair - I know that. But, you know what, Jackson? Life's not fair either. And I know I've been movin' on, but I still lost my husband almost six months ago and I didn't even get to say goodbye. I barely got a funeral, and he deserves his justice. I deservejustice."
Jax swallowed hard, letting his head fall in between his elbows in defeat. He'd had every intention of at least trying to find Clay's murderer so Gemma could get her justice and her closure, but now it just didn't seem like that was going to happen.
"Ma," he murmured to her hoarsely. "I know what I promised you, and I'm so sorry -"
"Jackson," she cut in softly and firmly at the same time. "She deserves her justice too. If only one of us gets to have it, with everything she went through…everything that happened to her, it might as well be her."
He nodded into his hands, wiping some more stray tears with the back of his hand. "I'm still sorry. I want you to have your justice, I really do. But I need to make this right for her."
"I know, baby," Gemma smiled sadly, brushing a tear from his cheek as she spoke. "You need to do what's right for your old lady. That's your job now. If our roles were reversed, and you were Clay, I know he'd be makin' the exact same call for me. I know you love her, Jax."
"I really do," his lips lifted in spite of himself, and in spite of the reality he found himself in, and he shook his head. "You know, there were a lot of things about her that I'd always wondered but never really got a straight answer about. Why she worked for Jimmy. Why she never drank. Why she's always been so dead-set on keeping the actors at the studio safe - she's used that word a few times with me whenever we've talked about it. Keeping them in a safe and controlled environment…I think those were the exact words she used. That shit makes a lot more sense now."
"Maybe working for her dad at that studio was her way of shoving it in the past…makin' a point," Gemma nodded with a smile.
"Or she just didn't give a shit what anyone else thought of her after all that went down and wanted to work for her dad, so she did," Jax shrugged.
Gemma huffed out a laugh and shook her head. "Maybe it's a little bit of both."
He nodded absentmindedly, his jaw working around some amusement as he had another thought. "You know - that night she was at a CEOs and office hoes party at that frat. And when I think about the way she dresses now, what a goddamn smoke show she is every single day in those tight skirts and button-up shirts, I gotta think that, every morning when she gets dressed, she's givin' every single person who was at that party the middle finger. I mean, she wears a version of what she was probably wearin' at that party every single day, right? Sure, she doesn't show as much skin as I'd like, but I think I get it now too."
"I think she's been takin' her power back every day since then," Gemma smiled softly, proudly, almost like Allie was one of her own too.
"Well," Jax huffed. "She's got no problems kickin' ass and takin' names either. You've never seen her in a business meeting. The first time I was on the other end of things, and she was staring back at me with the upperhand, I just about shit myself."
"Yeah, that sounds about right."
There was a question right on the tip of his tongue, but he just wasn't so sure he wanted to invite his mother into that part of his life with Allie. Some things a mom just didn't need to know, but on the other hand, he wasn't sure he'd be able to ask Allie either. At least not in the right way, and not without sounding like an asshole or making her uncomfortable.
"Hey, Ma, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure."
He rubbed the back of his neck a little anxiously, still on the fence on whether this was the right call. And in the end, if given the choice between the two, he'd rather make Gemma uncomfortable.
"Well, I'm not quite sure how to…so, Allie is…" he trailed off, his eyes dropping to the floor as he fumbled for the right words. "Things between us," he pushed out a rough sigh, and then just went for it, "so things between us in bed are good. Real good. Like…better than good. The best I've ever had, actually."
Now, Gemma's lips curled up a little mischievously, and her eyebrows lifted in anticipation. "Okay. So what's your question?"
"I guess, I'm just not sure how…with what happened to her, and how it happened, and the way she said it felt, I guess I just…I mean, she's never given me any kind of signal or anything that she doesn't like what I'm doin' or that she's nervous about it or uncomfortable or…" the words failed him and he just didn't know how to continue. He knew what he wanted to ask. He just didn't know how to ask it.
Gemma eyed him carefully, and he could see the wheels in her head turning. "So what you're really asking me is, how does someone who's been through something like that turn around and still enjoy sex?"
"Yeah…" he allowed gingerly. That was pretty much the gist of it anyway. "Before me, she said she'd never really had time for dating, so she mainly just…"
"Hooked-up?" Gemma offered helpfully, even though this topic of conversation was one he was ready to steer away from.
Now, he glanced at her warily from over his shoulder, the tears long gone, and more apprehension in their wake. He hadn't come over here to have a conversation with his mother about his sex life, or about his old lady's sex life before him for that matter, but here they were.
"Hey, good for her," Gemma just laughed. "Everyone deals with their issues in different ways, and I don't know, Jax, maybe enjoying sex and taking what she wanted from it was just another way of taking her power back. Maybe she liked sex before that happened to her and she found a way to like it afterward too."
"She has mentioned that she used a dating app before to…shit, anyway, she's mentioned that she liked the control, and getting to choose where and how and with who. All that makes more sense to me now. Not that it didn't before, but you know what I mean. But that's it though, isn't it? She needs the power and the control, and I think I've been givin' that to her, for the most part, since the first time she let me put my hand up her skirt."
He immediately grimaced when he realized what he'd just said, out loud, to his mother.
And…right there, he knew he'd just shared way too much personal information with his mother than she ever needed to know. Judging by the impressed glint in her eye though, she didn't seem to care too much. He blew out a heavy breath and scrubbed his face with his hands, wincing a little when his mother nudged him with her shoulder.
"Like I said," Gemma nodded. "Maybe she liked it before and found a way to like it afterward. And a little advice, Jax - whatever you're doin' in bed with her? Keep doin' it, 'cuz it's obviously workin' for the both of you. Don't let up. Don't treat her any differently now that you know. If she liked it rough before today, she's still gonna like it rough after. If she liked a certain position before today, she's still gonna like it tomorrow, you know what I mean? Give her what she wants, and don't be a pussy about it."
"Jesus Christ," he murmured and scrubbed his face with his hands again. Still, he had to admit. That was pretty good advice. Even if it was coming from his mom.
Gemma just nudged him again. "I figured she was a firecracker in bed."
"Jesus, Ma," he sighed, and when she just nudged him again, he just gave up and came clean. "Alright, alright. It just works between us. Very, very well. And yes, things between us in bed are pretty fuckin' explosive."
"You think I haven't seen the way you look at her when you think no one else is lookin'?" Gemma laughed. "The way you watch her? You look like a man who wants his woman every minute of every day, every way he can have her."
"That is true," he smirked at her. "I've honestly never felt the things I feel when I'm with her. Everything…in and out of bed, it's just all different with her. It's right with her, and I'm lovin' every second of it."
"I'm glad to hear it," Gemma smiled. "She's all I ever wanted for you, baby."
Now it was his turn to nudge her. "Looks like things between you and Jimmy are goin' well in that department too," and then his hands immediately flew up in the air, "I don't need details or anything. I just figured, you know, since we went down this road, it's only fair."
His mother grinned at him with a sly look in her eyes that he didn't particularly like. "Yeah. Things are goin' well. Very well, actually. He makes me happy. And I didn't think I'd ever be happy like this again."
Jax's lips lifted softly as he put a hand over the one she had resting on his shoulder. "Good. I'm glad, Ma. That's all I ever wanted for you too."
"And," Gemma smirked. "He's dynamite in the sack, so there's that too."
Now, his lips pulled apart in a grimace, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Aw, fuck. I said I didn't need details, Ma."
"Hey," she just lifted a shoulder. "Maybe it's in the genes or somethin', you know? I mean, they're both clearly good in bed."
His head whipped to the side to face his mother, horror written all over his face. "Mom! Don't ever -"
Her cackle cut him right off as she swatted him on the shoulder. This was just…he didn't even know where to start with this shit. He scrubbed his face with his hands before cocking a wary eyebrow at his mother.
"Ya know," he shook a finger at her just for good measure. "Allie said not too long ago that this was startin' to feel a little incestuous, and now I think I agree."
"Oh, come on, Jackson! You can't take a joke or what?"
He shook his head furiously. "Not one like that, I can't."
She just rolled her eyes at him, clearly unphased by the turn this conversation had taken. "Well, if you feel that way, if she feels that way, then I'm sorry. I don't wanna make it weird for either of you."
"Well, you are bangin' my old lady's dad. It was weird from the start, Ma."
Gemma just shrugged. "You two will get over it eventually. But, hey, I think you're doin' a pretty good job balancing all this. You and Jimmy are walking a pretty fine line with each other. You bangin' his daughter while he's bangin' your mom? Can't imagine it's easy to have a normal conversation with him, or vice versa, not to mention the fact that you're still technically business partners."
"Jesus Christ."
"Hey, if everyone's happy at the end of the day, isn't that all that matters?"
Jax eyed her carefully before leaning in to bump her with his shoulder. "My ol' lady's not gonna end up being my step-sister anytime soon, right? 'Cuz…I want you to be happy and all, Ma, but I don't think that's somethin' I can get behind. At least not without a shit-ton of time to mentally and physically prepare."
She just laughed heartily and shook her head at him. "Nah, baby. I don't think I'm gonna head down that road again. Twice was more than enough, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah," he nodded easily. "I know exactly what you mean. Twice is all I'm plannin' on too."
Gemma's lips lifted in a soft smile as she put a hand on his arm. "That's good to hear. You really love her, don't you?"
Easiest answer of his life: "Yeah, Ma. I really do."
"I know she really loves you too. I can see it when she looks at you, and when she thinks no one is watching," Gemma smiled proudly. "And it sounds like, judging by everything you said, maybe she took my advice, and if that's the case then I say good for her, and good for you too."
Jax's eyebrows knitted together in a frown. "What advice?"
Gemma smiled knowingly. "I took her out for lunch the day after you got into it with Piney at the clubhouse. She might've told you about that."
"She did."
"And at a certain point," his mother grinned mischievously. "She asked me about being the president's old lady, specifically, what that meant, what would be expected of her. Those were fair questions, considering being an old lady is one thing, but being the old lady to the president…that's a whole other beast to wrangle. And the fact that she asked me - that was smart. And kinda ballsy of her too, considering I'd also just told her I wasn't happy with either of you for keepin' secrets from me."
Yeah, it was. Jax felt himself smile at the thought of Allie staring down his mother from across a table in a restaurant, maybe a little afraid, but not scared enough to keep her from getting the answers she needed. Just like any good lawyer would do. Just like any strong, resilient person would do. And the questions she'd needed to ask - it made sense she would have those questions and want the answers, to figure out what was expected of her now and what she needed to be, as if she ever had anything to worry about. God, he fucking loved her.
"So what did you tell her?"
Gemma just lifted a shoulder a little too easily for his liking. "I told her that what happens in your home, in your bedroom, in your relationship, that all bleeds over to the clubhouse. People will pick up on it, see it, and watch for it because all eyes are gonna be on you, and on her too as your old lady. People are gonna be lookin' to the both of you for leadership and they're gonna be watchin' for the example you set."
He could only shrug. That was fair. Gemma was right, and with her history within the club, she knew that better than anyone.
"And," Gemma went on cheerfully. "I also told her to make sure you felt like a man when you're at home with her. And the same goes for you too, Jackson - you better make sure she feels like a woman when you're home with her too, when you're anywhere with her, and the two of you will be just fine."
Huh. That was interesting. His mind slipped back to that day, that night specifically, and what she'd done for him after the break-in, and now that, too, made a little bit more sense. That being said, he also wasn't about to thank his mother for basically being the reason he'd gotten some head that night. No fucking way.
And now, knowing what he knew, the fact that she'd done that for him - and he remembered her very clearly saying she hadn't done that since she was 19 - the gravity of that was not lost on him. He knew what that meant, the fact that she'd been willing to do it, had wanted to do it, had enjoyed doing it...
"Well," he allowed uneasily. "I guess that's good advice."
"I thought so," Gemma nodded with a grin. "It worked for me and your dad. And me and Clay. And it's gonna work for you and Allie too," and then she leaned in to touch their foreheads together, "Jackson, you are a wonderful president. You're gonna lead the club toward a new future, and a new life, and I'm so proud of you for that. And you've found yourself the perfect old lady to have by your side. I couldn't have asked for anyone or anything better for you. And this bump in the road, Jax? It's just that. Like I told you before, all you gotta do is love her. Don't treat her like she's made of glass because you know better than anyone that she's not. Just go home to her, hold her, listen to her, let her cry if that's what she needs, cry with her if that's what she wants, and show her that nothing she told you today changes the way you feel about her. That's all you gotta do."
Jax nodded absentmindedly, running a thumb over his mouth in thought.
"You should get home to her, Jax. It's time."
He nodded again, shooting his mother a quick grin. "I know. Thanks for lettin' me blow off a little steam here," Jax ran a hand over his eyes again just to make sure all the tears were really gone. "I didn't wanna do that in front of her."
"I get it," Gemma smiled sadly, squeezing his shoulder one last time before she pushed off the floor just as Allie's dad walked back through the door.
Jimmy's dark eyes darted between them, before settling his red-rimmed eyes down at Jax, who was still sitting on the floor with his elbows on his knees. He held out a hand to him, and Jax took his hand, letting him pull him up off the floor. Then Jimmy clapped his free hand on Jax's shoulder with a soft smile.
"You're a good man, Jax," his old lady's father told him firmly. "My daughter is lucky to have you in her life."
"Well," Jax huffed out a laugh as he clapped Jimmy on the shoulder too and brought him in for a quick hug. "I'd say I'm the lucky one," and then he tipped his chin to Allie's dad with a smirk, "and just so we're clear, I'm gonna marry your daughter as soon as I can talk her into it."
Jimmy just chuckled heartily and shook his head, his eyes drifting over to Gemma, who had a happy grin playing on her lips. "Is this you asking for my permission?"
"Nah," Jax laughed. "I'm pretty sure the only permission I need is hers."
"Well, that may be true," he lifted his eyebrows in amusement, clapping Jax on the shoulder again with a little more force than he had before. "But knowing Allie, I'd say you've got your work cut out for you on that one."
"I agree, but it's nothin' I can't handle."
Jimmy tipped his chin to Jax, his eyes glimmering with some more amusement, and he shifted his focus to Gemma to explain, "My daughter is a modern woman, and also a very smart and experienced lawyer, and she believes, under no uncertain terms, that marriage is unnecessary and ineffectual at creating lasting love and commitment."
Jax barked out a laugh, especially when he got a good look at his mother's face. "That pretty much sums it up."
"So like I said," Jimmy grinned with a tight nod. "You've got your work cut out for you. But, you know, you two have obviously had this conversation already if you're well aware of my daughter's modern views on romance. So, maybe your road ahead isn't gonna be as long as I think, but still…good luck. You're gonna need it."
"Thanks, Jimmy," Jax laughed. "I appreciate it. Look, I gotta get home to my old lady now, a'ight? We'll talk later though, and I'll let you two get back to…whatever it was you were doin' before I came over here."
Gemma just rolled her eyes but pulled him in for a hug. He shook hands with his old lady's father one more time, and then with a wave over his shoulder, he headed outside and sauntered toward his bike, finally ready to go home.
A/N - I know Allie wasn't really in this one, but Jax needed to sort himself out before going home to her. The next chapter will see them work through all this as a couple in both a physical and an emotional way and will really solidify them as partners who can get through anything. Just as a heads up, when I was writing the next chapter, and some of the sex scenes in it, I was thinking about some of the conversations I've had with sexual assault survivors - one of the most common things we hear is how worried they are that their partner will treat them differently once they know what happened to them. So I was thinking a lot about that as I was writing, and how Allie would address that with Jax, and it led to one of the craziest, most intense sex scenes I've ever written.
There are only six chapters left! I still have the last two to write, actually, and I think I'm holding off because I'm just not ready to say goodbye to these characters just yet. But I will, of course, finish them in time to keep my regular posting schedule.
On that note, if you've been keeping up with Witness Protection, you know that there's only one chapter left of that one, and then I have a new story that will take WP's spot in my normal Sunday posting. I'm really excited to share it with you because it's different than anything I've ever written before (it starts when the characters are 10, and works through some of those younger years up through high school before a time jump). Here's the summary for Lost and Found, in case you're interested:
Dylan Shaw hasn't stepped foot in Charming in 13 years, but when Samcro's VP is arrested on murder charges, she's drawn back into the fold, and on assignment to write a profile on the accused murderer. She lost her heart the last time she was in town, and now, she'll find that the ghosts lurking around aren't so dead and buried, and that accused murderer might not be as guilty as he looks.
So, Lost and Found will be posted not next Sunday, but the following Sunday! Anyway, I hope this update was satsifying as it showed Jax working through all his different emotions about everything as well as how the club reacted to it. As always, thank you so much for reading and sticking with this story! I'm looking forward to your thoughts!
