Jay woke up to Lily's cute little sounds over the baby monitor. He looked over to Erin who was sleeping soundly. He smiled and it made him so happy that he was finally taking the next step, he already let her slip away once he wasn't letting it happen again.

Jay got up and walked in to find Lily playing with her feet and toes, "Goodmorning miss, why you up so early?" Her eyes lit up when she saw Jay and she immediately raised her arms.

"Okay let's go make some pancakes?" Jay said lifting his little girl into his arms.

Erin quickly woke and she frowned when she turned over to an empty bed, but she soon smiled when she heard voices in the kitchen. She wrapped her dressing gown around herself and walked out into the living room, she stood there for a few seconds taking in the scene infront of her. Jay was looking all sexy in nothing but a pair of boxers but what made him more attractive was seeing him with their little girl. He was such an amazing father.

"Well goodmorning mummy," Jay smiled.

"Good morning you too, this little ones up early," Erin said bending down to give Lily a kiss on the head, "Your growing up too quick princess."

"Can't believe she is 8 months in less then 2 weeks, where has the time gone?" Jay frowned.

"I have no idea but we are going to have to start baby proofing because she is just about to start crawling and there will be no stopping her then." Erin chuckled.

"Okay well I have the weekend off how about I go down to the baby store and get some thing's then we will baby proof?"

"Hell no."

Jay raised an eyebrow confused, "What? Why?"

Erin chuckled, "I will go to the baby store, that sales assistant has the hots for you."

"Are you jealous?" Jay smirked.

"Of course not but it just grinds my gears a little," Erin said then noticed Jay giving her a questionable look, "Okay maybe a little, shutup!"

"You have nothing to be jealous about Er, I have enough woman in my life." He said walking around to kiss her.

"You better."

"So I was thinking how about we go away for the weekend?" Jay asked.

"Where do you have in mind? And we'd have to clear it with Hank first." Erin said curiously.

"Well I have already talked to Hank about doing something next weekend, I was going to ask him to babysit Lil for the weekend too but then I thought it might be nice to go on our first holiday away as a family?" Jay smiled.

"You'd just miss her to much." Erin chuckled.

"And you wouldn't?"

"I would miss her so much," Erin said taking Lily out of Jays arms and throwing her up in the air playfully, "So again, where do you have in mind?"

"Wisconsin?"

Erin shot Jay a look, "This again?"

"Come on Er, it's beautiful. Trust me you will love it and I want this little girl to have a little bit of adventure bought into her life."

"Okay fine, just please tell me we won't have to live without power and water." Erin sighed.

Jay rolled his eyes, "I thought you enjoyed living off the grid?"

"Not with an 8 month old."

"Fair point. And no it has power and hot water and everything, I done a lot of work on it when I came back from my last tour, helped me clear my head." Jay said.

"Really? You never mentioned that when you bought it up all those years ago." Erin said, it was always hard for Jay to talk about his time in country but she was thankful when he did, it always made her understand him a little better.

"It's just hard you know, it was a lot when I came back but it was the one thing that helped. Being by myself, having time to myself. Sure there was hard times but doing that was really good for me that's why I want to take you there so bad because of how much it means to me."

"Jay you know you can always talk to me about what you went through, I might not always understand but I'm a good listener and I want to be there for you." Erin said as she rested her hand on his arm, stroking her thumb up and down.

"I know babe." Jay smiled.

"You never broke once when we lived together until Abby come back." Erin said, immediately wanting to take it back when she saw Jays face drop.

Jay took a deep breath, "Erin please don't."

"You never talk about that stuff Jay, and you always seem so strong and put together. I just want to understand, why did you stay so strong until she came along? And I have been told about the dark hole you were in when I left, not everything but enough. I just don't get it..."

"Erin I said don't so please just drop it." Jay said angrily as he slammed his palm down onto the counter causing Lily and Erin to both jump, then of course Lily's waterworks started.

"Shhh Lil it's okay," Erin gave Jay an angry look as he dropped his head, "Come on sweetie let's go for a walk huh?"

"Er let me take her?" Jay went to reach his arms out and his heart broke when Lily snuggled even closer to her mother, clinging tight as she kept crying."

"Just clear you head, I'm sorry I bought all this up but you need to calm down." Erin said as she walked out of there apartment with the stroller leaving Jay handcuffed.


After walking around the park for an hour Erin finally got home, Lily was sleeping soundly in the stroller. She unlocked the door and saw Jay turn to face her on the lounge. He quickly shut the tv off and stood up.

"She's sleeping, I'm just going to move her into her room." Erin said walking towards Lily's nursery. She rolled the stroller in and slowing moved Lily to her cot trying her best not to wake her, thankfully she succeeded.

Erin walked back to the living room and placed the baby monitor on the coffee table, she then leant back and looked at Jay. His eyes were red and puffy.

"I'm so sorry." He said looking at her, she quickly leant into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

"I overstepped, I shouldn't have bought it up I know how hard it all is for you." Erin said into his ear.

She felt Jay sigh as he pulled back, "Erin I wasn't as strong and put together as you always thought I was just good at hiding it, always have been."

"What do you mean?"

"When maddie was shot the reason I was late to Molly's that night was because it was so overwhelming and I broke. I talked to Sylvie that night and I said that I had seen dead bodies, people shot but I'd never seen someone take a bullet that was meant for me."

"Jay, I'm..."

"Also with Terry, you seen a little of that but there was times like after I went to his home I broke down, times I didn't want you to see how weak I was."

"Jay you aren't weak," she said grabbing his hands, "You are one of the strongest people I know."

Jay looked up and smiled slightly, "I still had nightmares occasionally but you never really woke up when I did. But sometimes I would go out onto the lounge because I was scared I'd hurt you, so the times you woke up and found me on the lounge and my excuse was that I woke up early then fell back asleep was because I was afraid of that."

Erin cupped the side of Jays face, "Jay you don't have to talk about this you know, I don't want you to feel forced."

He shook his head, "You have a right to know," he took a breath, "The worst of it was a couple weeks after you left. I uhh...shot a little girl by accident, the bullet went through the shooter and into the little girl."

"I heard, I seen it all over the news. I wanted to call you but I still wasn't strong enough yet and you needed someone strong to be there for you. Also Hank filled me in about it a little." Erin said squeezing his hand.

"So after that it just swallowed me, the nightmares started again, I couldn't sleep and when I did I only suffered more. Then we had a case involving a ranger, so I thought sending me undercover would be a good way to go about it, I understood him, understood what he'd gone through. Honestly it did help, it helped to talk to someone that had went through the same thing as me. Since mouse left I had no one that understood it with barely any words."

Jay took a few moments, it was hard enough reliving all this and he hated how he was. He didn't want Erin to look at him different.

"He ended up dying and for some reason that was just the last straw for me. I ended up getting close with his sister," Erin shot him a quick glance, "We were dating and of course she had no idea who I was. For a few months being 'Ryan' actually felt good. It felt good to be able to forget what was actually happening in my life." Jay shrugged.

"Wow, i had no idea."

"So we dated for a month or so, then one night we went to a party together. Someone was shot, that someone was a undercover DEA agent. Hailey and Voight found out I was sleeping with Camille so I had to put a wire on her because she was involved, not killing her but drugs and someone who was involved with killing her. Then when the team came in she obviously found out who I was and wanted nothing to do with me."

"That's a lot." Erin said shocked at everything.

"Yeah. She was going to get put behind bars but her alibi was me and her in a back room which if she said anything I'd lose my job. So Hailey made a deal with her to keep her mouth shut and I haven't heard from her since. After that Voight came to my place and told me I had to sort my shit out, which I did. I went to counselling for six months, my last session was actually the day you came back to Chicago."

"Really?"

"Yeah and since going back to councilling I have felt better then I have in a really long time. It was that or my job. And I'm glad I did it, I'm also glad that everyone found out when they did because I don't know where I'd be if they didn't. I um, nearly left town with her." Jay said dropping his head.

"Did you love her?" Erin said still holding onto him as tight as ever.

"Maybe. Honestly I don't know, none of it was real. They were closing in on her and I told her to pack a bag and that we'd leave together, that's when Voight found out. He stopped me from doing something really stupid." Jay shrugged.

"Jay I don't know what to say, I'm really sorry that you went through all of this."

"I just don't want you to think any less of me."

Erin got closer to him, "Jay I could never. I have been through my fair share of fuck up too remember."

"Yeah I do."

"I'm glad you talked to me about all this."

"I just don't want to have so much anger about it. What I went through overseas isn't who I am, it's just a part of me."

"I'm proud of you, you know." Erin said kissing his hands.

"I just can't have my daughter scared of me, that killed me to see her so frightened of someone that she depends on." Jay said.

"Your a great dad Jay, everyone makes mistakes, it's how we learn."

"I love you, you know that."

Erin leant in for a kiss, "I love you too."

Once Jay pulled away he smiled at her, he was glad he spoke to her about everything. It was a weight off his shoulders he never knew he had.

"So what about that little getaway?" Jay smiled.

"I think we could all use it."