Star: In the Darkness
Joey Sharkbait
2020
[Soundtrack: "Star" by Hellyeah; "In the Darkness" by Dead by Sunrise]
"I love you! There—I admit it!"
The wind sorceress stood before me, shaking and volatile; she was an obvious mess for the time being, same as me, but for an entirely different reason. Kagura ran a hand through her long, dark hair, shook her head, and then stood with her back to me, both hands on her hips. She moved again so that now she crossed her arms over her chest. The demon woman turned halfway and looked at me, tears streaking her beautiful face.
"Do you think any less of me, yet?" Anger hid within the question.
I had an answer for that—a resounding 'no'—but I did not have the words to voice it. A disconnect existed between my brain and my mouth.
She loves me?
I had to think about that for a bit… but I did not have time. It made sense, though. Her fierce protective attitude toward me, her empathy, her company overall… the way she looked at me, the way she held me… touched me…
I, myself, was now getting flustered. I looked away from her, still on the ground by the spring. How can she love me? Not even Miroku loves me… (how could he?). Did I love him? I thought maybe I could, one day, in another place and time… Jou loved me. Did I love him? No… not like that…
Love is fucking complicated.
"Did I fuck things up between us?" asked Kagura. She cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, glancing at me briefly before staring back up at the stars. If I was not mistaken, her eyes seemed fixated on Polaris.
I slowly shook my head. I was still stuck in a hurricane of my own emotions and stinging acknowledgement of my abuse. Kagura's exposing words certainly pulled me out of those depths, but I still was not completely surfaced. My heart was still hurting. And it was nothing Kagura did…
But she was always there.
"It was always you…" It hit me.
Kagura never willingly left my side. And if she did, she came back.
I fulfilled my promise to myself, to my brother, that I would free him from Naraku. I was content with just that. I could have died back at the castle… should have died, wanted to die…
Kagura did not allow that to happen.
She could have fled on her own and left me for dead. She probably should have. She deserved to.
But she didn't.
But was it really love?
Or was it opportunity? Loneliness? Infatuation? Lust, even?
The more I let it all sit with me, the more part of me wanted it to really be love and not just a side effect of our shared plight and dangerous existences.
I thought of the night with Miroku after the celebration… I needed time, then. His kiss…
What of him? What of he and I? Was there even really a chance?
Would there be, now? If not now, when? Would he really wait for me?
(I wouldn't wait for me…)
My heartrate was increasing. I could feel the tension between Kagura and I, enveloping us and the area around us. However, she did not seem to be waiting on an answer for me. She hid the anticipation well. Like she hid many things.
I think I could still love Miroku, perhaps… but would he love me, still…?
I think I could love Kagura, too… my current heartbeat and the subtle breeze wafting her scent toward me solidified that notion.
Goddammit…
For one, Kagura already knew. She knew too much about me. Trauma aside, just in the small amount of time I had known her as a person and as a friend, I realized I had confided in her many memories, thoughts, and feelings that I had never shared with anyone else. I was honestly shocked at my own realization. Plus, I was still terrified to tell my friends what really transpired while I was held captive…
Would they think any less of me?
I really did not think so, but I could no longer be so certain… I couldn't trust myself. And everything was so confusing now…
But if I had to really think critically on the matter at hand, right now, in the present…
I think I could love her someday. I think I already did, at least a little. I loved the way she made my broken heart feel something other than pain and shame.
What have I got to lose?
What am I even afraid of anymore?
Kagura finally broke the silence. I don't know how long I spent in my head. Her cool words and the slightly colder breeze caught my scattered attention.
Kagura doesn't think any less of me…
"Sango," sighed Kagura, "I understand if you don't feel the same way—I was stupid for even saying anything…"
I felt something… Where are my words?
She wore a mask of neutrality, no doubt attempting to hide the perceived rejection. Her eyes betrayed her. Her beautiful eyes… I couldn't find the words to shatter that mask, that uncaring, stone, cold…
I'd kill to move your face an inch…
"Kagura!" I finally got my shit together enough to find my voice. "I-I think…" Words… "I think I feel the same way…" Her hardened expression fell and warmth clouded her ruby red irises. "Kagura… I will not lie to you—I am still very confused. By a lot of things… But I think—I think I could love you. I think I do love you…"
She turned gradually, adopting a more open stance. "You… do?" The wind demon raised an eyebrow. "You really do?" Her voice was hushed and soft, lacking her usual projections of confidence and dominance. A strange, yet welcome difference. The ice was melting.
I nodded slowly. "I… I think so…" The atmosphere around us thinned a little. Kagura approached and kneeled in front of me. She gently took my hands in hers, mindful as always of my injuries. We made eye contact. I would try honesty and transparency for all it was worth. "Kagura, I do love you. It's a new feeling… and it's a little strange… but it is there." I sighed. "I also do still have feelings for Miroku, too… but you're here."
Kagura looked away but kept holding my hands. "What will you do?"
"Well…" I did not want to hurt her. Especially since I did feel the same way. "I need time. My head is a mess, Kagura. It's nothing you've done, just so you are aware. But that does not change the way I feel about you. I just know it will be a long time before I'm ready to commit to any kind of relationship, with anyone."
Kagura's silence was a little unnerving to me. I could tell she was processing my confession. "Fair enough," she finally said. "I will still take this as a win."
"You should." I managed a weak but genuine smile. She loves me. The silly fact sparked warmth in my somewhat cold soul. I could breathe a little easier knowing that. "I love you, Kagura." Acknowledging my new feelings out loud only reinforced them.
And I think that was the first time I ever saw her smile like that.
"I love you, too, Sango."
[Kagura's point of view.]
I couldn't believe my luck.
She loves me…
I walked with a new vigor in my steps and a flutter in my chest as I carried Sango through the forest. We would reach our destination by tomorrow. I would take us as far as I could tonight, but I was growing weary already. I was a little nervous to officially join up with Sango and her friends, especially given the very recent development between us. I did not desire to upset any kind of balance already established.
Either way… I knew she loved me back.
I knew she needed time. I honestly saw that coming. I would give her all the time in the world, if that's what she requested of me. I would do anything to aid in her recovery… Sango had done so much for me. The least I could offer her is my love, support, and above all, respect. She had seen so little of those things as of late, especially respect… that is something she has fought for all her life. As a woman, as a warrior, as a person.
Kind of like me. In a way.
I demanded respect. In battle, from my enemies… I tried to demand it from Naraku, where it mattered most. Something I could never have… I would forever remain a means to an end to him. I was disposable. He created me from his own flesh to do his bidding and yet I was not worth respecting. I learned to respect myself, at least most days. Despite all that has happened to me and all the bad I have seen and done.
Sango respects me.
Hell, the woman loves me.
I smiled at the thought. Then decided on a small clearing among some thick trees as our campsite tonight.
I cooked the last of our rations from the castle for dinner. It wasn't much, but it would do. Sango was confident we would reach Lady Kaede's village tomorrow. The only thing we had left now was the nearly full bottle of luxury sake I had stolen from the castle. I wanted to put it to good use; my own selfish celebration of our admitted, yet awkward and complicated love seemed to suffice.
Until Sango spoke up, that is.
The demon slayer leaned against my shoulder and watched our campfire with a tired smile on her face. She had her arm looped around mine and was holding my hand. I was hyper aware of her presence and cherished every second of it. I watched her; she seemed so deep in thought and thusly was quiet for a long time.
"How long do you think it's been?" she asked.
"How long…?" I was confused.
"Since I've been with you… since I was captured… until now…"
"Hmm…" It felt like forever, really. But it all went by so quickly… it felt like yesterday we were bitter enemies. And by last night, we had somehow fallen in some kind of love with each other. "I think it has been about a month and a half."
"Huh…" Sango snuggled up against my side and I instinctively put my arm around her shoulders. She turned her head to look at me. The reflection of the fire danced so nicely in her copper hues. "I think it's my birthday," she laughed. "Or around it, at least… I've lost track of time."
"Oh?"
"I'm eighteen now, I suppose." She laughed again and leaned her head against my shoulder.
"Well… we should celebrate!" I turned away from Sango and reached into our travel bag beside me. I pulled out the sake and presented it to her.
"You want to drink?" she asked. I hope I didn't offend somehow.
"Only if you do," I confessed. "We are free of Naraku, Kohaku is free of Naraku, I have my heart—thanks to you, my dear—" Sango smiled at my words, like she didn't care, but the blush on her cheeks told me otherwise. "Our journey is almost over, and it's your birthday." I opened the bottle and offered it to the girl beside me.
Sango took the bottle and examined it. "Honestly," she turned to me, "I did not think I would make it to eighteen… for many reasons, and at many times."
"But you did. And you're here." And I was so glad she was… I leaned toward her and placed a gentle kiss on her lips. When I pulled back, I felt a warmth in my chest, as I saw the genuine smile on her face; she smiled because of me in this moment, because of my words, because of my kindness.
Half that bottle later, and it was increasingly hard to keep my hands off of her. She mirrored my actions, however, and gave me her firm, trusted, and honest consent before either of us were too intoxicated. I was incredibly mindful of her still healing wounds; I made it clear that I only wanted her pleasure and not her pain. I was pleasantly surprised when Sango fearlessly took control; I was more than happy that she allowed me, begged me to reciprocate.
We had our drunken, serendipitous dance by the fire and I enjoyed every minute of it. I loved everything Sango did to me and I was grateful that she trusted me enough and was still comfortable enough with me for such things to take place. Her presence alone, combined with her touch, was far more intoxicating than the alcohol. The way Sango cried out my name as I tasted the sweetness of my victory along with the aftertaste of sake, only verified her own enjoyment and did little to hold my ego in check.
[Sango's point of view.]
I wanted her even before the alcohol fully hit me. My emotions were still a mess and my nerve endings were still shot, but I was fully at peace with admitting I craved this strange intimacy we established at the waterfall weeks ago. Reason enough to celebrate; she wasn't wrong. We were free. We were all free. Naraku was still alive, yes, but so was I.
I am alive.
And Kagura's heart is beating wildly against my chest.
The wind demon was so careful with me. As she always was. It was all my idea, this time. Kagura merely provided the catalyst in the form of alcohol.
Ironically, I think I was sobering up by the time the bottle was three fourths empty. The things Kagura did to me brought my full attention on myself, on her, on us. I lost control of myself easily the moment my name escaped her. I wanted her to feel what she made me feel. I needed that empathic validation that only our star-crossed union could offer.
This was therapeutic for me. I didn't expect I would or could want such a thing so soon already… I thought wrong. Kagura's attention grounded me to the present and reminded me I was still a whole person. My heart still mattered to her. My soul still mattered to her. Although I swear I had been damned to hell this entire time.
All that she wanted from me was all I had left to give: my broken heart and damaged trust. I did not need her to fix me. I did not even want her to fix me. I just wanted her, all of her—mind, body, and soul—and for her to remind me I was still breathing and that every breath and every heartbeat of mine was worth it, still. At least to someone.
I would never be the same again.
I fought ever fiber of my being at restraining my body's learned response to her initial caresses. Kagura always stopped and questioned. I knew she would stop altogether if I only asked, but that was not what I wanted for now. But knowing that was enough… Kagura made me feel comfortable in my scarred and bruised skin. Even now in the height of hormones and heat and potentially bad decisions, she somehow brought peace to the chaos within my mind.
I could almost feel our souls becoming one for a moment or two. Or maybe it was just me, or the intoxication, or the night. I felt like our blind passion was somehow slowly rewiring my frayed nerve endings. I was learning to live all over again. A part of me just needed Kagura to show me what that was like.
I don't know how often the subtle breeze sent chills down my spine, or if it was Kagura the whole time. I don't know how long it was in between every shockwave she sent through my body. The fire died out long before we gave in to exhaustion and intoxication. In the darkness, I slowly began to think that just maybe I could feel like myself again. And then thought not—I would never be the same. It was true.
I don't know how many times I told her I loved her; or how many times she said the same to me. I hope she knew that I meant it. I knew I meant it when I felt my heart beat so violently every time I touched her. When she said it, I could feel the truth in her words, evident in her every action and culminating in the care she took with me and the way she held me in the middle of the night, as my body shook with pleasure and my mind found an unexpected peace. I actually cried into her shoulder, knowing that I was able to reclaim my being, reclaim a small part of myself, and ignite a small ember of the fire I used to possess.
Maybe I needed some kind of rebirth. Maybe this was just a chance good day somehow blessed with more ups than downs. Maybe I would be ok. Maybe I wouldn't. I only knew that I was still alive; still here and breathing, and fighting. I was still able to love and find comfort. I loved Kagura. I knew that now to be true. Kagura loved me, too. I just wished maybe I could love myself, as well.
