Authors note; Thank you for all your wonderful support. It means so, so much.
You can thank my amazing Beta, Fran, for this update. She found time to beta this for me even though I gave her so little notice. Thank you :)
We will get to James, Marcus, and Irina soon and find out what's happening with them, but first, these two need to talk.
*Chapter 34*
After a good night's sleep, I awoke refreshed and determined to talk to Edward, to start the process of healing and hopefully fixing our marriage. It wasn't going to be easy, but I want our marriage to work more than anything. The first step to achieving that is by talking through what happened, something I wasn't looking forward to …
Forcing myself out of bed, I slip on my robe before making my way downstairs. I offer the man sitting diligently outside my room a small smile before heading into the kitchen.
I assume no one else is up because it's so early, and the house is eerily quiet. However, I'm surprised to find Edward in the kitchen staring into space. He's so lost in his thoughts he isn't aware of my presence until I cough, shaking him out of his haze.
His frown turns into a smile when he spots me lingering in the doorway.
"Good morning, Bella," he says brightly - a little too brightly. His voice is forced, tense; I hate it.
"Good morning," I reply, equally as awkward.
He urges me to sit before insisting on making me a drink. He thoughtfully offers to make breakfast too, but as much as I appreciate his offer, I decline. Edward is hardly handy in the kitchen - far from it. I've not been on the receiving end of his cooking, but I've heard tales of his 'skills' in the kitchen. The epic fails Alice was all too willing to tell me about are enough to warn me off.
"How did you sleep?" he enquires.
"Good thanks, I was out like a light," I answer honestly. I'm pretty sure it was from sheer exhaustion caused by lack of sleep during our ordeal. Whatever it was, I fell asleep relatively easily and slept the whole night without waking once.
"I'm glad," Edward sounds relieved. While he continues to mess around in the kitchen, I know exactly what we're doing. We're buying ourselves time before what we know is coming.
"What time did you get back last night?" I ask to keep the conversation going.
"It wasn't too late; just after midnight and crashed soon after," Edward confirms as he finally comes over to join me. Choosing to sit on the seat closest to mine, he sends me a small smile as he hands over my drink.
"I missed you last night," he says it so quietly I don't know if he intended for me to hear him or not.
"I missed you too," I say, offering him a small smile back in return.
I can't lie; I did miss him. It felt strange, almost wrong to sleep, knowing my husband was only next door. But I stand by my decision, knowing it was the right thing to do. The time on my own allowed me the chance to think, to sort through my muddled thoughts so I'd be ready for the discussion, both of us seem to be avoiding.
Dropping my gaze to my cup, I watch Edward out of the corner of my eye. He looks exhausted - like he's barely had more than a couple of hours of sleep. His cheeks are hollow, his eyes are bloodshot, and he has dark circles under his eyes. Maybe, like me, he was catching up on many days of missed sleep. That, or his search for answers from James is getting nowhere.
More upsetting than that is the tension in the air; the atmosphere between us. We're both trying too hard to act like everything is okay when it's very clearly not. I hate this fucking awkwardness, the distance between us and it has to stop. We can't keep dancing around one another.
Lifting my chin, I meet Edwards' gaze head-on, asking, "How did it go with James? Did he tell you anything that might help you find Marcus?" I ask, desperate to get away from the slightly tense atmosphere between the two of us.
Edward runs his hand through his hair in annoyance, pulling tightly on the ends. I want to reach out and still his movements, but instead, I keep my hands planted firmly by my sides.
"He gave us nothing this time; but don't worry; he will. He can only hold out so long before he breaks." Edward says, sounding confident.
"If not, we resort to other means. We're just getting started."
It's then I notice the bruises on his hands and the dried blood on his knuckles. If this is just the start, I can only imagine the lengths he will resort to in order to get the information he needs. None of those methods particularly bother or upset me and if that makes me a bad person, so be it. That vile man tried to hurt my family and me and for that he deserves whatever punishment Edward gives him.
"We will get it out of him," Edward says bluntly.
"How do you plan on doing that?"
His gaze finds mine. I can see he's trying to read me - trying to gauge if I can handle what he's about to tell me. In response, I square my shoulders, lifting my chin defiantly, daring him to doubt me. He needs to stop underestimating me.
Edward must see the determination on my face because he answers with complete honesty.
"Torture is a very powerful motivator, Bella," he says simply.
Edward stares at me intently, as though he's trying to find his next words very carefully.
"Bella ... I don't want to upset you but are you ready to talk?"
He looks nervous, and so he should; he's not going to like what I have to say. I've had time to think, to process everything that's happened and while I suspect the evidence pointed to his completely insane accusations, there's a lot we need to discuss.
Starting with the general lack of trust ... The complete breakdown of communication ... The anger and bitterness he unleashed on me. All of this need addressing if we are to have any hope of making this marriage work, which I want more than anything.
"You want to talk now, but are you ready to listen? Because the last time you didn't give me a chance to defend myself." I can feel the tears forming at the back of my eyes but hold them back.
Now is not the time for tears.
"Bella, I know how much I fucked everything up; I can't tell you how sorry I am. I didn't mean what I said; I was completely out of my mind with rage. I wasn't thinking clearly, " His eyes plead with me, begging me to believe him.
"You say that now, but do you understand how much you hurt me? Do you have any idea how it felt to stand there and listen to all the disgusting things you accused me of?"
"Bella, listen to me, please ..."
"No, Edward. Now is the time for you to sit and listen to me like you didn't do the last time I tried talking to you!"
Despite my resolve to stay in control of my emotions, I can feel my anger resurfacing, but I force myself to remain calm. We won't get anywhere by shouting and screaming at one another.
Edward parts his lips like he's about to say something, then thinks better of it, remaining silent as I continue to vent.
I don't remember standing, let alone walking away from Edward, but I'm pacing around the kitchen before I know it.
"You accused me of cheating on you with that vile man who I told you made me uncomfortable. Do you think so little of me? Do you even know me at all?" I snapped, my anger over the subject of James getting the best of me.
Edward braves coming over to me, slowly ... cautiously. Ignoring the scowl, which is directed at him, he reaches out, closing his hand over mine. I resist the urge to push him away. Annoyingly, his gentle touch calms me. Part of me wants to rip my hand away from his, but I can't do it
"Bella, you'll never know how sorry I am for doubting you and putting you and our baby in danger. I've spent the last two days terrified, thinking I was never going to see you again. You can't imagine all the thoughts running through my mind. It drove me crazy, not knowing where you were or what they were doing to you."
His words are heartfelt, but it doesn't change how betrayed I feel.
"You believed his lies. You doubted me so easily," I whisper, my voice breaking.
"It wasn't like that at all. It's far more complicated. Every part of me was fighting the accusation despite the evidence against you."
"Show me?" I demand.
"Excuse me?" Edward looks confused
"I deserve to see the evidence that turned you against me."
Edward pauses; his expression hesitant. "Are you sure you want to see it?"
"Absolutely. Show me now," I demand, wanting; no, needing to see this so-called evidence.
Without another word, Edward leaves the room, only to return a few minutes later, clutching a stack of papers. By the grim look on his face, I'm sure I wasn't going to like what he's about to show me.
For a minute, I think Edward has changed his mind, but he thinks better of it and reluctantly hands over the evidence. I stare at the pictures in my hand, seeing but not believing what I'm looking at. My hands tremble in anger as I skip through the documents that supposedly prove my illicit affair.
I feel my eyebrows draw together in confusion. There are photos of a woman who looks a lot like me; who's wearing clothes identical to mine, pictured with James on numerous occasions. And then there are statements in my name, showing purchases I don't recognize; lunches at expensive restaurants. The name of a popular hotel chain, in particular, catches my attention.
I look down at the photos again, then back up at Edward, who is watching me worriedly.
"This is it? This is all it took for you to doubt me," I choke up.
Looking at these photos, I can see why Edward came to the conclusion he did, but that doesn't change the fact that he should have trusted me; he should have, at the very least, listened to me. Instead of having a conversation like two adults, he shut me down—shut me out.
"You might not believe me, but I didn't believe it. I instructed Ben to keep digging because what he showed me couldn't have been you. I feel like such an idiot for even questioning your loyalty, but then..." his voice trails off abruptly.
"Then what?" I prompt.
From his expression, Edward is hesitant to tell me, but I need to hear it all the same.
"Then I came home and found you..." His eyes are black, his jaw tight; I watch as his fingers clench and unclench into tight fists. He's furious; I am too. I know exactly what he is referring to.
"You found James kissing me ... attacking me," I snapped, my anger finally getting the better of me. Despite my resolve to stay calm, I can feel my pulse quicken and the blood rising to my cheeks. Angry, hurt tears fill my eyes, but I'm not done there.
He needs to know how much he's hurt me.
"I was so relieved to see you walk in that door, and then you turned it around on me when I've given you no cause to doubt me."
That's when I finally lost it. I start pounding my fists into Edward's chest, but he captures my hands in his, stilling the movement.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I should have protected you, and instead, I let you down. I should never have doubted you." He says, his voice full of remorse. "I realized my mistake afterward, but of course, by then, it was too late. Emmett told me you were with Rosalie. In the morning, when I finally got my head out of my ass, I tried to call you, but it went straight to voicemail."
"I never saw any calls."
"Sam must have switched your phone. I can show you mine if you don't believe me," He offers and starts searching his pockets, but I halt his movements.
"That won't be necessary," I tell him shortly. I want to add that he's the one with the trust issues, not me, but I hold my tongue; I want answers more than an argument.
"I would have never forgiven myself if anything had happened to you. I don't know how to make this right, but I'm begging you, Bella. I'll do anything; I'll give you time … space ... whatever you want. But please say we have a chance." His pleas are bordering on desperate. I hear his voice crack, and I watch his eyes fill with emotion.
"I know you're sorry, and I can see why you would doubt me." Edward appears shocked by my response.
"Edward, I'm smart and rational enough to understand they tricked you; they targeted you at a time when you were struggling and still coming to terms with Garrett's death. But understanding doesn't change the fact that you've deeply hurt me. You attacked me without giving me a chance to defend myself. I know you're sorry now ... I know you didn't mean it, but that doesn't make it okay." I pause, taking a deep breath to collect myself before I force out my words.
Anguish and pain are written all over his face. He looked so hurt that I'm tempted to end the conversation here, but I can't let my emotions get the better of me - not until I've said everything I need to say. Pausing thoughtfully, I debate my next sentence very carefully.
"I love you, Edward. Nothing you said in the heat of the moment can change that, but I can't just forgive and forget like none of this happened. I can't forget the look on your face when you accused me of all those awful things, nor the hate in your voice. What's to stop you doubting me again the next time someone whispers something in your ear, or we argue?"
"That will never happen. I'll never doubt you again, I swear." I can hear the desperation in his voice, but I'm far from finished.
It's now or never.
"Or what's to stop you throwing the baby back in my face?"
"What are you talking about? I love you and this baby more than my own life."
"You did, Edward, that night along with the other vile accusations. I thought we were past all that, but clearly, on some level you still resent this baby and how your life changed because of it."
"Bella, I don't even remember half of what I said that night. I was trying to hurt you like I thought you had hurt me, but I can promise you I'll never again lose my temper with you."
"How can you be sure?"
"Because I know what it's like to lose you. I've never loved anyone before, Bella … I've never felt anything even close to the way I feel about you. All this is new to me, the love, the caring, the feelings. And when I thought you were gone forever … Bella, I'll speak to someone—I'll go to counseling. I can learn to control my temper, my jealousy, my protectiveness. I'll do whatever you want to make this okay."
By the time Edward comes to the end of his powerful speech, I can see he's fighting tears. It pulls at my heart to see him so desperate.
"Truth is, Edward, I was already unhappy with our marriage when James came over. It had been weeks since we spend a moment alone together. I knew you were hurting, but you never talked to me, confided in me, never trusted me with your feelings."
Edward looks appalled by my admittance, and sensing he is about to interrupt, I quickly explain my thinking.
"Hear me out, okay? I'm not talking about what happened with James. Our problems started way before that. I didn't tell you how unhappy I was or how isolated - how lonely I felt while you were out seeking revenge for Garrett's death. I should have told you, but you shut me out. After Garrett's death, you were struggling, and you wouldn't talk to me; you didn't confide in me. Neither of us was adult enough to talk - to have a serious conversation about how we were feeling, and because of that, it made us weak; it made us so easy to pick apart. We failed at the first sign of trouble, and that terrifies me." Even I can hear the despondency in my voice.
"Where does that leave us now?" When Edward speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper.
I'm quiet for a moment, absorbing his words. I open my mouth to speak, but the words won't come out.
My silence is my answer.
Edward knows it too, and for a moment, I feel some sympathy for him. He looks so hurt, so lost that I want to reach out and draw him against me, putting this whole mess behind us.
But it's not that easy.
It's all very well for him to be sorry now, but that doesn't mean I can't easily forget the pain and heartbreak.
He looks completely devastated and it kills me.
It physically pains me to see him so heartbroken. I want to tell him we are okay; because I love Edward, and I have no doubt he loves me too. But the harsh truth is, unless we can work through this, our marriage is in trouble after barely a few months.
It's a devastating realization.
"Honestly, Edward, I don't know what to say. I want to tell you that we are okay, but it's not as easy as that." I met his gaze; his own is so open, so honest, and achingly vulnerable that I have to fight the urge to comfort him.
"I understand," Edward sighs heavily, sounding and looking as devastated as I feel.
"I made a mistake, a huge fucking mistake, and I'm sorry; I can't tell you how much I regret all the hurtful ... disgusting … vile things I said to you. I failed you before, but please, stay here, let me catch Marcus first, then once it's safe, you can decide what you want to do," he pauses like he's struggling to get out his words.
"W-what are you saying? That you'll let me leave?" I ask incredulously.
My heart is pounding. I don't know exactly what he's going to say, but the way his shoulders have slumped and the uneven breath he takes makes me anxious.
"I love you enough to do the right thing by both you and our baby. And if you want to leave; start a new life, I can give you that. You'll be safe ... protected; I'll make sure of it. Just let me catch Marcus and then you can choose."
I find it hard to speak. I can't quite believe what I'm hearing.
"You would let us go?" I repeat to make sure I've heard him correctly.
Even as I say the words out loud, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It feels like a stab in my heart just saying those words.
"I would let you, Bella, if that is what you want, but from the bottom of my heart, that is the last thing I want. I was born into this life, but you have options," Edward tells me, his voice completely emotionless … detached.
"How can you even suggest such a thing."
"Because I love you and want you to be happy."
It hurts to contemplate leaving him or leaving the family.
Is that what he wants?
Never in a million years did I imagine when we started this conversation that it would end with Edward offering to set me up with a new life ... away from him. I thought we would talk and start work through our problems. The fact that he's even contemplating letting me go is heartbreaking.
I'm so lost in my thoughts I jump when I look up, and Edward is in front of me.
Reaching out, his hands frame my face; he leans down so his eyes are level with mine. He reads the source of my distress immediately.
"I don't want that, Bella. I'd never want that. You are the only one I'll ever love and it would kill me to let you go, but I want you to be happy … I need your forgiveness, and if the only way I can make it up to you is to let you go, I'll accept your decision."
I can see the pain it causes him just saying the words aloud. There are tears in his eyes, in mine too.
"I don't know what to say." I really don't. I'm so shocked.
"I'm not going to make it easy for you, Bella; I'm not letting you go without a fight. I'm going to do my best to convince you to forgive me."
I'm not sure what to say, but someone clears their throat at the kitchen door, and I feel this talk is over for now.
Author's note: How are we all feeling after this chapter?
Remember to head over to It All Started with Twilight Facebook group for teasers and so much more. I think the last teaser had a few of you reaching for something to hit Edward with, but hopefully, he's winning you around? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Until next week, if you're looking for some wonderful stories to fill your time with, here are a couple of new ones on my radar.
In His Words by gabby1017- Forget Edward, who the title refers to; Gabby's words are beautiful. Her characters are so precious they make me smile just thinking about them.
And Toxic Waste by Lozz. , which I have the HONOUR of pre-reading. If you like high school drama and angst, this is the story for you. Be warned; You'll love and loathe both Bella and Edward at times. I know they are going to destroy me, but I can't help rooting for them.
Stay safe and well :)
