FINALLY! After over 7 years this fic is FINALLY done! *hysterical weeping*
Warnings: some language; mentions of every kind of child abuse; mentions of torture and violence; mentions of death; spoilers to season 2 "Profiler, Profiled" and "Revelations" and season 4 "Conflicted"
-Six Months Later-
"Hankel! You have a visitor!"
Tobias looked up from his checkers game with Ben. The guard who addressed him was one of the new ones—Danvers, he believed.
"Oooh," Ben mysteriously intoned with a quirk of his lips. "I wonder who that could be. Maybe it's that really pretty nurse or that nice family or maybe it could be another one of those doctors, oh! What if it's the president?!"
Tobias chuckled. Ben was in a good mood today. His new medication was helping immensely and made his lows not as low and grounded his highs. Granted, Ben was still hyperactive and quick to anger or depression, but his overall demeanor was tempered. People didn't annoy him or send him into a fury as often, and it was easier to calm him down.
"I don't know why the president would want to see me, but it'd sure be neat." Tobias stood up and looked to Danvers. "Do you know who it is?"
Danvers scratched his patchy beard and responded, "I think the name was Morgan. Tall black guy, kind of tough-looking. The kind that girls would fall all over to talk to."
Tobias was momentarily confused until it clicked. "O-Oh, okay then." He nervously looked to Ben. "I, uh, think it's one of Spencer's friends."
Ben hummed with interest as he grabbed the checkers pieces and began stacking them. "Oooh which one? The scary one? The old one? The serious one?"
"…The first one."
Ben whistled and grinned manically. "Oooh, good luck! Ask him how Dr. Reid liked my last picture! Tell him that I'll make him one too if he doesn't scare you!"
Tobias nervously chuckled and said farewell before allowing Danvers to handcuff him and following him out of the common area and to the visitor's area.
When he was first brought back to the institution, Tobias was placed under a lot of restrictions and he initially wasn't allowed visitors. He didn't mind, however, and figured no one other than Spencer would be interested in seeing him anyways.
He was shocked when he received his first visitor when the ban was lifted for good behavior about three months later. Nurse Brenda sat at a table, legs crossed demurely and wearing her hospital scrubs. She had beamed upon seeing him and asked him how he was. During the visit, she had admitted to worrying about him and wanting to check on him.
"That's not strange, is it? I know we're basically strangers. I can leave if you're uncomfortable."
Though stunned by her presence, Tobias assured her that her visit was welcome. She asked about him and if he was happy before talking about mundane things, such as food and day-to-day life. It was refreshing having someone not a part of the institutional life talk to him, and he quickly found himself at ease.
Nurse Brenda stayed for an hour-long visit and returned twice in the following months. They exchanged stories about their days while playing cards. Brenda occasionally asked about his alters, yet they otherwise spoke of lighter topics.
Perhaps she visited him out of pity or perhaps she was an angel meant to replace 'Raphael,' but Tobias was pleased with her visits.
A couple of weeks after Brenda's first visit, Tobias received another from the Ruizes. Though husband and wife were clearly a bit nervous, they were no less warm to him as they asked about his condition. Ryan was with them, carrying his stuffed dinosaur toy in his hands and Ben's picture in his pocket.
The Ruizes had been concerned about him since the trial and spent a great deal of time assessing his health and general circumstances.
"We took the time to research your…condition." Austin Ruiz had winced, as if fearing the word was incorrect. "We may not completely understand, but we get the gist."
"You are getting the help you need, right?" Kimberly worriedly asked.
Tobias assured her that he was, which seemed to satisfy the couple. Their son idly played while the adults talked, but immediately took over the conversation the moment he was able. He told Tobias everything he had been doing that day, going off on numerous tangents in the way that only a child could.
Ryan then complained how he wanted to see 'the warrior man' because he had a surprise.
"I waited forever!"
Tobias thanked him for his patience and received his surprise: a drawing of him and Ryan and the dinosaur plush fighting against a dark figure. The picture was drawn and colored in with multiple crayons, and each figure was composed of shapes. Tobias smiled at his rectangular body and curly brown beard and how blue lines zig-zagged out of his hands to portray lightning.
"See? That's me." Ryan pointed to the crayon figure colored in red. "And I have a sword and I can do fire to beat up the bad guys and Fang-" the dinosaur, "is my friend and he eats the bad guys and crashes through walls like crash!
"And that's you! I gave you lightning! And that's the bad man." Ryan frowned at the crayon figure colored in black with exaggerated sharp teeth and claws. "We fight him and beat him up and killed him dead!"
Though Tobias couldn't blame Ryan's youthful enthusiasm, he felt an odd mixture of sickness and relief whenever he was reminded of Foyet. Dr. Navarro was currently helping him sort through his feelings about his ordeal.
Tobias thanked Ryan for his picture and kept it taped to the wall near his bed. He and his family didn't visit again, but they called about a month later and sent him two letters that consisted more of Ryan's drawings: one of him and Tobias on a boat and another of him and Fang.
Tobias put those up on his wall, too.
Each of these visits were unexpected yet nice. Tobias could admit to feeling the slightest glimmer of hope whenever the guard announced a visitor for him or a mail call went out during recreational time.
Deep down, Tobias knew that it was unlikely he'd ever hear from Spencer again, but he couldn't help hoping otherwise. More than anything, he just wanted to know that the young man was alright. McConnell had already explained to him that Spencer's bosses weren't allowing their letters to continue and admitted that the profiler would get into serious trouble if he tried.
Knowing that his fellow agent, Derek Morgan, was here to see him was confusing and somewhat terrifying.
I wonder if he still hates me.
Tobias mused over this as he and Danvers arrived. He tensed up upon recognizing dark skin, muscles, and dark eyes that tended to regard him with hatred. Agent Morgan wore a neutral expression, however, as Tobias sat across from him.
There were two other inmates with visitors and their chatter overlapped. Danvers and a handful of guards stood around the room, eyes as watchful as the newly installed security cameras.
Nevertheless, Tobias felt like it was just him and the agent.
Morgan knew that Tobias would be nervous, but seeing the man visibly pale and shake was…uncomfortable at best.
The thought that he might've enjoyed watching Tobias squirm not too long ago made him feel worse.
Nevertheless, Morgan did what he did best: compartmentalized and remained strong.
After a beat of silence that might as well have lasted an hour, Tobias eventually swallowed his nerves and said, "H-Hello, Agent Morgan. What are…How are you?"
The profiler raised a brow at the aborted question yet inclined his head. "Tobias. I'm good, man. How are you?"
The question sounded weird, and Morgan frowned at the taste of its awkwardness.
"I…I'm fine, thank you."
"…They treating you okay here?"
"Yes, I suppose they are. They've, um, improved some things."
"I noticed. A bunch of us back in Quantico raised a bit of hell to get this place to step up their game. Between us and the media, the government had no choice but to provide a better budget." Morgan gave the area a cursory glance. "I see new security cameras and more guards for starters. They even asked for my ID when I came in."
"Oh, good. They, uh, also have therapists and rehabilitation programs. I…I don't think they had that before…"
I'll bet they didn't. Morgan made a noise of disgust. "It sounds like this place was little better than a prison."
"I'm happy here now," Tobias admitted, sounding surprisingly sincere.
"Really? That's good to hear. I'll be sure to tell Reid."
Tobias perked up. "How's Spencer doing?"
Not used to hearing such familiarity from this particular man, Morgan briefly furrowed his brow. "He's good. He finished rereading a Faulkner novel for like the fifth time."
Tobias emitted a breathy chuckle. "Was it The Sound and the Fury, by any chance? He's talked about that one before."
"Yeah…yeah, I think it was." Hearing Reid talk about his friendship with Tobias was one thing, but witnessing evidence of it from the other side left Morgan feeling off-kilter.
It must've shown on his face because what little tension had left Tobias's shoulders immediately returned.
There was a beat of tense silence before Tobias asked, "What about Ms. Jareau? Is she doing okay?"
"Yeah, man," Morgan replied, getting a mental grip on himself. "JJ's fine. She just had a doctor's appointment about a week ago. She's basically all healed up."
She, Reid, and Hotch had taken time off, partially because of Strauss and partially because they needed it. JJ was out solely on medical leave and wasn't allowed back in the field until she was given a clean bill of health. Whenever the team had a case, she remained behind with Garcia and Reid.
Staying at home, however, seemed to do wonders for her. JJ was able to get more sleep and spend more time with Henry and Will. The healing process went swiftly and without complications, and JJ was eager to return to the field.
Morgan lamented that she went through an ordeal to begin with, but knew deep down she would be alright. Like the rest of his team, she was tough and unflinching. He had no doubt that her strength was a factor in her surviving and recovering.
Another factor, however, was sitting before him.
"Oh, good. That's very good. What about Agent Hotchner? And everyone else?"
The man who drugged, tortured, and nearly killed his best friend was also sitting before him. It was difficult to see him as someone genuinely asking about his friends, his family, and caring about them without wondering how much evil lurked within him.
When are his personalities going to jump out at me?
"Everyone's good. Everyone's been back on active duty. Agent Prentiss is our new unit chief, and the team's still been doing cases."
Tobias hesitated before asking the question that had clearly been on his mind since he laid eyes on the profiler. "Is…Is that why you're here now?"
"Can you see inside my mind, boy? Can you see I'm not a liar?!"
"No. I took a few days off to visit my family. Figured I'd stop here before I was expected back and see how you were doing."
Surprised, Tobias seemed to consider how to respond. "Oh…thank you. L-Like I said, I'm doing okay. But, um, won't you get in trouble for visiting?"
Morgan shrugged. "Probably. The institution was instructed to report to Quantico if any federal agent were to come, especially to see you. If they actually do their job, then I should be getting an earful from my superiors when I go back."
"…Then why-?"
"I had questions for you. I figured it was worth getting in trouble for." At Tobias's uneasy, startled look, Morgan wryly chuckled. "Relax, man, it's not like they'll fire me. Worst that'll happen is that they'll give me extra paperwork and take me off of a few cases. Besides, I came here as Derek Morgan, not SSA Morgan. With a bit of luck, the institution might think I'm a civilian since I showed them my driver's license and not my badge."
Morgan knew that none of this was particularly reassuring. Tobias's anxiety levels had clearly shot up as he hunched in on himself.
"O-Okay…what kind of questions?"
"Confess your sins!" Morgan gritted his teeth when the demand was shouted at a bound, petrified Reid. If he wasn't watching this from a damn computer, he would've tackled the son of a bitch and ripped his head off.
Morgan didn't speak right away. He studied Tobias for a while before looking off to the side. When he finally spoke, his tone was even and his volume was a touch lower than normal. "I saw what you and your alters did to Reid. He told me a bit of what happened when the camera went off."
Tobias's eyes immediately darted to meet his, blown wide with shame. Once again, Morgan was knocked off balance. He knew—knew—that Tobias had to have some good in him in order for him to save Reid, twice, and protect Hotch and JJ.
Nevertheless, it was hard seeing this man's guilt and connecting it with the same man who cared enough about Reid to give him CPR but not enough to set him free.
Swallowing his rising frustration, Morgan pressed on. "About a year ago, we had another case in Texas where our Unsub turned out to be a man with DID." Tobias's eyes widened. "This was one of those cases that seemed to rattle Reid. When he and I talked about it later, you came up.
"Now, I kind of know why he brought you up. Your case and that one was similar; me and the team thought we had a two or three-person group killing people, only to be surprised with someone with a split personality. And yet, they were completely different. Reid wasn't in any danger in Texas. I had no idea why he was bringing you up. I reminded him that you tortured and drugged him for two days, and that you almost killed him. He shouldn't have been thinking about you at all."
Tobias flinched, guilt winning the battle with his nervousness. Morgan took a moment to reign in his rising anger.
Calm down. They won't let you stay if you lose your temper.
Taking a deep breath, Morgan continued: "Then Reid said something that stuck with me, especially after we found out about the letters. He corrected me, saying that your alters had done those things to you. He emphasized that you, the real you, saved his life and brought him back from the dead."
Tobias dug himself out of the guilt that was clearly weighing him down and looked to Morgan in shock. The agent watched as Tobias's face flipped from confusion to pensiveness, and finally to recognition. It was puzzling to witness the last expression.
Did he seriously forget that?
Morgan furrowed his brow. "I saw when he died. We all did. We thought it was over. Then you came back and brought him back with CPR. I know you saved him, and I know you tried stopping your personalities by calling the cops every time 'Raphael' was going to kill. Even when they teamed up with Foyet, you were still trying to stop them. I know you're not like them, and now I know that you genuinely care for Reid-"
"I do," Tobias unexpectedly interrupted. "I consider him my best friend, and I never wanted any of those things to happen to him-"
"Then why didn't you stop them?" Morgan demanded, raising his voice a bit. "You could've let him go or left him in that cornfield. But you didn't; you let your personalities hurt him. Why didn't you stop him from getting tortured in the first place?!"
The guilt returned with a vengeance and drained the color from Tobias's face. "I-I…I did my best to stop them, b-but they were convinced that he was a Satan-"
"And you believed them?" Morgan snapped.
"No," Tobias immediately denied. "I-I tried convincing 'Charles' that Spencer hadn't done anything wrong, b-but h-he wouldn't believe me and he was going to kill Spencer-"
"Then why didn't you stop him?!"
"Because I was scared!" Both Morgan and Tobias were taken aback at the confession. Of all the things Morgan expected him to say, this wasn't it.
Nevertheless, it shouldn't have been so surprising. Morgan recalled Tobias's profile with startling clarity. The abuse he had experienced throughout his childhood wasn't something to be forgotten, and then to be haunted by the same man who spent your entire life torturing you…
Morgan suddenly started to feel sick.
Tobias appeared to feel the same because the color was completely gone from his face, and Morgan became very aware of his heavy breathing.
"Is everything alright over here?"
Both men looked to see the guard that had escorted Tobias in. He was looking between them, brow furrowed and concerned.
The concern was clearly for Tobias, however, to Morgan's faint shock.
Surprising still was Tobias's response. The Georgian man snapped back to reality and looked to the guard with wet, anguished eyes. "Y-Yes, Danvers. Everything's okay. Thank you."
Danvers was obviously skeptical, yet he nodded and went off to the side, somewhat close by with a sharp look Morgan's way.
Once he was out of range, Tobias's shoulders slumped, defeated. "I…I was scared, Agent Morgan. M-My father, my real father, terrified me growing up. I-I'd be scared to go home a-after school, b-but detention and after school activities were out of the question. He would've beaten me worse for either. A-All I could do was keep my head down, do my chores, and try and stay out of his way."
The anguish in his light brown eyes magnified as Tobias shamefully muttered, "I…So many times I wanted to tell someone—a teacher or a minister—a-about him beating me, burning me, drowning me…b-but I was too scared that n-no one would believe me…or take me somewhere worse."
"All these years I kept my mouth shut. I let you go on being a hero. Carl Buford, my mentor."
"What are you talking about?" A quick accusation laced with derision.
"God, I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of the police. Afraid of losing everything I was gaining. But that's how you work, isn't it? You make sure there's a hell of a lot to lose, don't you?"
The memory came without warning, and Morgan had to remember to breathe and clench his hands together to keep them from shaking.
Oblivious, Tobias continued. "I was a coward. I should've said something. M-Maybe I could've been taken back to my mom or another relative…or even a nice, loving home. 'Charles' was my whole world…and my nightmare."
"God I should've told someone about you when I was a kid! When you were helping me!"
Tobias took in a shuddering breath and resumed looking the profiler in the eye. "Even as an adult, that man has a power over me that I'm trying so hard to break. I…I tried defying him when we had Spencer. I'll admit now that it wasn't nearly enough. I was a coward who let fear control me instead of God, instead of what's right."
Tobias sniffled and swallowed back a lump that Morgan knew was there. "It's solely because of Spencer that I started not being afraid of him anymore. His letters, his compassion, reminded me that I wasn't alone in the world, that I had the strength to fight back. He helped me fight 'Charles' and 'Raphael' and it was easier to not fear them when I had him supporting me."
"Well, you know what happens in cases like this? Once that dam breaks, the flood comes. One kid steps up, just one. And then another one. And then another. Because they're not scared of you anymore. They know they're not alone. James Barfield is your dam."
All of this—everything Tobias was saying—was affecting Morgan in a way he never would've expected. It's been some time since he confronted Buford, but the wounds were being torn open all over again.
Despite the differences in their experiences, there were too many commonalities to ignore. Morgan knew exactly what it was like to be young and afraid and being hurt by someone you were supposed to trust.
"Look. Derek. I never hurt you. You could've said no."
Morgan bit back a mirthless chuckle. It wasn't that easy, Buford, and you knew it.
How many times did Tobias fight back as a child, only to be beaten down? Did he ever even try to fight back, or was he convinced that he deserved it? Were his protests ignored, or were they literally slapped away?
"I should've done more." Morgan pulled out of his thoughts at Tobias's soft murmur. The man was hunched in on himself again, yet it wasn't fear as it was contrition. Morgan could read the shame on him as easily as he did his own as a teenager staring at himself in the mirror, wondering how he could let himself be so weak and helpless.
"Even though I wasn't scared of 'Charles' or 'Raphael' anymore, I should've done a lot more to stop them and Foyet. I should've told the warden about Foyet or called the police the second I was near a phone. Once again, fear controlled me instead of God, and people are dead because of it…b-because of me."
He looked to Morgan again, his tear-filled eyes hitting the profiler like a physical blow. "I understand why you hate me, Agent Morgan. I don't blame you. If I were you, I'd hate me too. I let Charles beat and mold me into a coward."
He casted his eyes downward as he hunched in on himself further. "I…I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to spend the rest of my life atoning for my sins. I…My therapist says he's trying to get the institution to hold a Bible study. H-He says if it happens, that I ought to join and to try and reconnect with God. C-Charles might've been an awful man, but he did introduce me to the Lord…even if he went about it all wrong. I…I suppose I could start there and try and become a better man."
Arrogant and narcissistic as he was, Buford had to say, "I pulled you out of the gutter."
Morgan immediately shook his head and vehemently stated, "I pulled myself out of the gutter! All the way to the FBI! I DID THAT!
"Are you saying I had nothing to do with making you who you are?"
Overtaxed, Morgan deflated slightly and shook his head, speaking past the steadily growing lump in his throat. "No, Carl. Actually, I'm saying that you have everything to do with making me who I am. Because of you, I'm somebody who gets to spend the rest of this life making sure that guys like you go down."
The agent looked to the man before him. Not too long ago, he would've linked Tobias in that category of men he needed to take down.
Now…he wasn't entirely sure.
With how emotional this conversation was becoming, Morgan was genuinely surprised that Tobias's personalities weren't making an appearance. He almost would've welcomed it, too. He'd take a shouting match with 'Charles' or a heated debate with 'Raphael' over a conversation with a man he was beginning to share parallels with.
More than anything, Morgan wanted to hate Tobias for what he did to Reid, for almost taking away his best friend, but he couldn't—not when Tobias never laid a hand on him. He couldn't bring himself to fault Tobias for having a shitty childhood that gave birth to murderous split personalities, nor to fault him for being cowed by them.
All the anger and hostility towards Tobias that Morgan carried the moment Reid's terrified face went live on the Internet suddenly evaporated. Empathy began to gradually blossom in their place as all ill feelings slowly bled out. Try as he might, Morgan couldn't keep ahold of his resentment.
Then he decided he shouldn't try.
Suddenly feeling tired, Morgan felt the tension in his body leave and it took a lot of effort to keep himself from sagging bonelessly into his chair.
For his part, Tobias didn't notice, caught up in his guilt. He ceased trying to look Morgan in the eye and kept his teary gaze fixed on the table separating them. Though his hands were tightly clasping one another, the man's posture was defeated, weary, and exhausted.
Tired from fighting a battle he could never really win, especially not when people like Morgan were fighting against him.
After a moment's hesitation, Morgan eventually said, "A Bible study would be nice, man."
Tobias blinked from his reverie and looked to the agent with confusion. "U-Um…excuse me?"
"A Bible study," Morgan repeated. "If your therapist can get that to happen, then I think it'd be beneficial to you and some of the others around here."
It took a few moments for Tobias to wrap his head around the topic change. His expression remained confused, but there was a hint of wariness lurking in the depths. "I…I'd like to think so, too. I-I used to like going to Bible studies with my mother…"
"I'm sorry about your mom," said Morgan earnestly. "I know what it's like to lose a parent. I'm sorry that you never got to really talk with her."
"…I'm sorry, too. I, uh, appreciate the sympathy." Tobias began squirming in his seat, clearly wanting to ask why Morgan was suddenly being civil.
A wry smile ghosted across the agent's lips. Empathy might've been replacing his anger, but it didn't mean that Morgan suddenly wanted to be friends.
I'm not even sure how I feel about Reid still wanting to be friends with him.
Though things had gone back to normal at the BAU, it was clear to Morgan that Reid missed Tobias. He never said so, but the wistful looks he'd sometimes get gave him away.
Morgan once overheard a conversation between him and Garcia, where his Baby girl offered to hack into the institution's computer system to send Tobias an email.
Another time, Morgan caught Reid writing down something on a piece of paper, eyes bright, before something stopped him, taking the light away, and he ended up crumpling up the paper and tossing it in a wastebasket.
That piece of paper was fished out and a cursory scan revealed that it was meant for Tobias.
Morgan's hand unconsciously touched his pocket where the unfinished letter was folded up and stored away.
"Five more minutes." Both men looked to Danvers who gave Morgan a pointed look in return.
Tobias swallowed and straightened up slightly. "Um, I'm glad Spencer and everyone else is doing alright. Thank you for telling me that. Uh, tell Spencer I say hello and that I'm doing well. Honestly, I am." What could've been a smile flickered before quickly fading. "I-I'm sorry for all I've done…"
As he made to stand up, Morgan briskly stood up and offered his hand. Tobias stared at the appendage in first shock then dubiousness before (forcibly) ingrained politeness had him taking it and giving it a shake.
Morgan tightened his grip before Tobias could pull away. "Thanks for seeing me and being honest with me. I'll tell Reid you're good. He'll be happy to hear it." He subtly passed Tobias the crumpled piece of paper he retrieved from his pocket. The other man blinked rapidly at the foreign contact.
Once Morgan was sure that Tobias knew to take the paper, he released him and took a step back.
It took a few moments for Tobias to understand his meaning. A glimmer of light returned to his pale brown eyes and a soft smile touched his face. "I'll…I'll talk to him about it. T-Thank you, Agent Morgan."
The profiler nodded his head and said, "Take care," just as Danvers walked over to presumably escort Tobias back.
Though he wanted nothing more than to sink to the floor, Morgan held himself up as he left the institution, not fully relaxing until he was on a plane headed back home. Memories of Buford warred with memories of Reid being tortured in that damn shack. It was enough to make a two-hour flight to Quantico last a hellishly long time.
Once Morgan got back to his place, he collapsed onto his couch and didn't get up for hours. His thoughts twisted and churned before gradually smoothing out, just in time for him to return to work the following day.
The moment he and Reid had a moment, Morgan pulled him aside to talk about his visit. Reid, of course, was shocked and was initially upset with him. Morgan allowed himself to be scolded until Reid eventually demanded an explanation.
"I wanted answers."
Reid calmed enough for Morgan to get into detail about the detour. The young doctor was relieved to have proof that the institution had changed for the better and that Tobias was doing well. His hazel eyes had darkened when Morgan admitted to getting angry, but softened when he disclosed being assaulted by memories of Buford.
"How are you right now?"
"…Better than I was a few hours ago."
Morgan, however, brushed off Reid's concern and stated that he was glad he went.
"I guess I kind of get why you became friends with him."
Morgan left it at that. He didn't explain how he recognized the similarities between Reid and Tobias—generalized as they were—and how he would've found the Georgian man almost endearing under different circumstances.
He wasn't even sure how he felt about Tobias.
Pity? Yes.
Resentment? Not so much anymore.
Did he like him? Not quite.
Did he hate him? …Not quite.
Sensing the lack of animosity, the tension within Reid left and he steered the conversation away from Tobias to probe further about the institution. It was a welcome distraction, especially since Reid brightened with happiness at the care Tobias was receiving.
Eventually, however, Morgan noted how Prentiss was making her way around the bullpen with a sense of urgency. Knowing his time was dwindling, Morgan made up his mind in that instant.
Lightly catching hold of Reid's elbow, he quickly said, "I told Tobias he should write to you through his lawyer. That way he mediates, and neither of you would technically be breaking the rules."
Morgan then hurriedly rushed over to the rest of the team, briefly catching a glimpse of a startled Reid. Soon, they were absorbed in a new case taking them out to Tallahassee. Nevertheless, Morgan caught Reid throwing him grateful, thoughtful smiles throughout.
It made him feel just a little better.
Hey Tobias, so I recently stumbled upon an article on the decrease of freshwater trout in Georgia and thought of you. Have you ever gone fishing before? I never have, but I already know I wouldn't care for it. It's difficult for me to be idle for an extended period of time without mental stimulation or an activity.
I understand that there are people who find fishing to be a form of meditation, but I seem to manage just as well when I'm solving complex mathematical equations or reading a book.
Speaking of, I was thinking of Animal Farm the other day. Have you ever read it? It's a fascinating allegory to the Russian Revolution of 1917. Did you know that the author, George Orwell, took less than four months to write that book? It's a remarkable feat considering that it's the first book he wrote with the intent of commenting on politics and
The letter stopped there.
Tobias wasn't sure if Spencer stopped writing because he was about to get caught, or if he remembered that he wasn't going to read it anyways.
Nevertheless, a faint, fond smile curved his lips as Tobias reread the unfinished letter. It was definitely the dozenth time since Agent Morgan gave it to him.
Even a day after the unexpected visit, Tobias still mulled over what compelled the man to sneak it to him. He could understand the reasons for visiting now that it was over and done with, but giving him this letter was unexpected.
Tobias hadn't been able to guess what the agent had given him, shaken up as he was by the accusations, and his mind had been empty, weary after such an emotional, yet apparently well-needed, upheaval. Being escorted to his room by Danvers had been a blur, though Tobias could vaguely recall the guard asking about his well-being and him murmuring his assurances.
It took longer than Tobias would care to admit to unclenching his fist and smoothing out the crumpled paper within.
"He misses you. I know if it weren't for the job, he'd still be writing to you."
Apparently so.
Tobias was touched that Spencer hadn't forgotten him and his own feelings of loss weren't one-sided. There had been instances where something happened in the day that he wanted to write to Spencer about, only to be reminded of their situation.
"I'd talk to your therapist about it. It's healthy to talk to your friends. Hell, maybe your guy can act as mediator, if you trust him. I mean, there's no rule that says you can't write letters to Reid through him."
Tobias wasn't sure why Agent Morgan was helping him. The man hated him.
Yet, he was genuine when he sympathized with his pain in losing his mother.
Tobias wasn't sure what to make of it, but a soft feeling in his chest told him that maybe the agent didn't hate him too much after all.
'Of course he hates you. You're weak.'
Tobias frowned at 'Charles's' hateful growl, but otherwise ignored him.
'Demons carry no love for anyone, including their own kind.'
Tobias recognized 'Raphael's' slight, yet merely rolled his eyes.
"Tobias!" That voice wasn't in his head. He looked up to see a guard at his door. "Navarro's here to see you."
Perfect timing.
The moment Tobias and Navarro were left alone, Tobias recounted what just happened with Agent Morgan. The doctor was understandably shocked and angry, yet kept managed to smooth his brow and hear him out.
Despite having remained silent during the profiler's visit, 'Charles' and 'Raphael' attempted to interject a few times. Tobias refused to let them take control, too piqued to bother with them.
Once Tobias finished speaking and handed Dr. Navarro the unfinished letter, he asked, "So, now I'll admit I'm a bit confused. What do you make of it?"
The psychologist only spoke after thoroughly examining the letter. "Agent Morgan had no right to come here, for starters."
"I know. But I understand why he did."
Navarro handed the letter back and tried to read him. "Tobias…do you feel like you need to be punished for what your personalities did?"
Tobias felt like he should've expected this sort of question. "…Sometimes I'll admit that I do. Sometimes I feel like I'm unworthy of this second chance."
"And why's that?"
"Because…Because I've done nothing to deserve it."
"Give yourself some credit. You've done a lot of good, Tobias."
"I doubt it'll ever be enough to atone for I…they've done."
"Their sins are their own," Navarro insisted. "You can't keep beating yourself up for what they've done. You did all you could with what you had at that moment. Agent Morgan shouldn't have come here and scolded you for something you had no control over."
"I don't blame him for his anger," Tobias admitted. "He has every right to hate me-"
"He has every right to be angry," Navarro corrected, "but it isn't fair of him to use you as a scapegoat. What your personalities did to Agent Reid was wrong, but he had no right to blame you."
"I…I just don't understand him. He seemed genuine when he talked about my mom and when he asked how I was doing…and he knows that 'Charles' and 'Raphael' aren't really me…but he was still angry."
Some Dr. Navarro's stern expression softened. "It sounds like Agent Morgan has mixed feelings about you." He gestured to the letter. "His grudge towards you stems from him caring about Agent Reid. I could only imagine how awful it must've been for him to watch his colleague be tortured and then try and help him through the aftermath."
Before guilt could resume its recurring role, Dr. Navarro added, "Which I'm not saying was your fault. Like you, I'm just trying to understand his actions. Perhaps Agent Morgan wants to hate you and use you as a scapegoat for everything that's happened, but it must be getting difficult for him knowing exactly how your disorder works and knowing that you feel genuine remorse."
Dr. Navarro suddenly sighed, appearing almost weary. "But it hardly matters. Agent Morgan needs to seek professional help or try and sort through his feelings on his own. He shouldn't be involving you when you need to focus on your own progress. I'll be sure to report him to Quantico and let the warden know."
"That won't be necessary," Tobias found himself saying. "Agent Morgan's visit was…tense, but I think we both needed it…if that makes sense. Besides, I don't want him to get into trouble."
Navarro's expression was carefully unreadable as he asked, "What did you both need from that visit?"
"Closure," Tobias answered with ease. "I-I think…I know Agent Morgan hated me the most out of his team for what 'Charles' and 'Raphael' did to Spencer. Maybe…Maybe he saw this," Tobias held up the unfinished letter, "a-and had to know why a-after everything that's happened."
Tobias's grip on the paper tightened ever so slightly before he folded it up. "A-And…And I didn't realize that I needed to know a few things too. Therapy with you has been helping a lot, but it hasn't hit me how much fear drove me until I admitted it aloud." His lips quirked in a wry smile. "M-Maybe that's something we can work on."
Navarro's jaw tightened, but his eyes were sympathetic as he said, "Tobias, it's okay that you were afraid. It's perfectly natural-"
"I know it was," Tobias gently interrupted, "but I'd like to talk it through anyways, if that's okay. I-I'd like to never let fear control me ever again."
Dr. Navarro looked taken aback and at a loss for words. However, he eventually cleared his throat and offered Tobias a small smile. "You've already taken the first steps to ensure that possibility on your own, Tobias. Standing up to your personalities is no small feat, especially considering one is of your abusive father and the other is an intimidating entity."
'I did what needed to be done!' the abusive father snapped in his head. 'All my efforts on you have gone to waste, boy. It's your own damn fault you're going to hell!'
'Revelation 20:10,' intoned the intimidating entity. ' "And the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever." This will be your fate if you continue down this path, Tobias Hankel.'
Tobias gritted his teeth and unconsciously grabbed at his hair. Then he began conducting the deep breathing exercises Navarro showed him, easing himself into a calmer state until 'Charles' and 'Raphael' quieted.
Dr. Navarro, bless him, patiently waited until Tobias got a grip on himself. "What did they say now?"
"That I'm going hell," Tobias responded. "Nothing really new."
"I want you to think about something, Tobias. Had this been mere months ago, how likely do you suppose either one of your personalities would have taken over?"
Tobias didn't have to think about it. "It'd basically be a guarantee."
"How about a couple of years ago? Think about how you'd likely react if either of them stated that you were going to hell."
A couple of years ago and Tobias would be trembling beneath his 'father's' wrath and the 'archangel's' disapproval. A couple of years ago and Tobias would've believed their lies and would've been scrambling to make it right, even if that meant taking a beating or spying on innocent people through their web camera.
Dr. Navarro gave Tobias a moment to acknowledge these revelations before continuing, "Just right now you said that your personalities' verbal abuse was 'nothing really new.' You said it with such nonchalance and an air of dismissiveness that leads me to believe that their words don't affect you the way that they used to."
…He's right. They don't.
It was a reality that Tobias had already acknowledged for himself, yet the power of it was only then settling in, now that circumstances were calmer and defying his alters wasn't the difference between life and death.
Even now that the stakes weren't high, Tobias was still able to brush off 'Charles's' and 'Raphael's' remarks and not sink under their oppression. Granted, there were moments when Tobias could admit when their words get to him, or when 'Charles' managed to land a hit that left him feeling weak for being unable to defend himself.
But, for the moment, Tobias was only finding them irritating.
"You've made great strides before I came along, Tobias." Dr. Navarro gave him a fond smile. "You should be proud, and hopefully this knowledge will motivate you to want to further your progress. You say that you don't want fear to drive you anymore, but it seems like you're already on your way to accomplishing that goal."
Pride and sheer happiness bloomed within Tobias as he returned the smile and said, "I…I hope you're right, Dr. Navarro. Thank you."
"Of course." The psychologist glanced up at the clock. "So, we have another ten minutes before the guards kick me out. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about before we have to finish up for the day? I'd like to discuss Agent Morgan's visit more, but I understand if you'd rather move on for the time being—give yourself some time to process the conversation more."
Tobias inclined his head. "Yes. That sounds like a good idea." He glanced at the unfinished letter, remembering Morgan's final words before he left. "Actually…I was hoping you'd do a favor for me."
Hello Spencer. Believe it or not, I've actually never gone fishing before. I've always wanted to though, but I assume that Charles wouldn't have had the patience for it. Besides, he's never cared for fish (ironically enough).
My narcotics sponsor recommended that I try meditation to help wean me off the Dilaudid, but it never worked. I could never get my mind to settle, and 'Charles' or 'Raphael' always interrupted. I think the only time I could recall my mind being blank was when I was doing farm work or when I was working on a computer. Having work just keeps my mind focused, I suppose.
That book sounds familiar, but I don't think I've ever read it. I'll check with the institution to see if they have it.
I can't imagine finishing a book if I was given a lifetime, let alone four months. That's quite an accomplishment. But I suppose if he's writing about a revolution, then the content must've come easily to him.
I know I learned about the Russian Revolution in school, but I'm fuzzy on the details. Is that the one with Stalin? And I believe there was a Tsar named Napoleon? Or maybe that was one of the characters, I can't remember.
Your friend Agent Morgan came to see me yesterday. I hope you're not angry with him. I'm not. I am worried though that he'll get into trouble with your bosses. I understand that he needed closure, but he needs his job more.
I also hope you don't mind that he went through your trash to retrieve your unfinished letter to me. He promised me he only skimmed it. I appreciate he gave it to me, and I'm especially thankful that he told me that giving Dr. Navarro your letter likely wouldn't get either of us in trouble.
I'm sure Agent Morgan's already told you, but I'm doing well over here. Therapy with Dr. Navarro's been helping a lot. He's a good man. It's nice having someone who believes in me and doesn't see me as the mistakes of my alters.
It's been hard coming to terms with my condition, I'll admit, but I'm doing a lot better now. Between Dr. Navarro and Ben, I'm doing well.
Speaking of Ben, have you gotten his picture? He spent an entire week drawing something up for you. The lawyer, Mr. McConnell, promised to send it to you. I wasn't sure if it was allowed or not. Hopefully you got it. Ben's really outdone himself.
He's doing a lot better too. He's getting in touch with a therapist who gives him medication that seems to help. He's still good old Ben though.
I hope you're doing well, Spencer. I wonder about you and Ms. Jareau and Mr. Hotchner and the rest of your team. Agent Morgan says everyone is fine, which makes me happy.
I'm not sure if you'll be able to write back, or if you'll even feel comfortable writing back, but it's okay if you can't. Just know that I'm doing well and my personalities don't bother me too much anymore. It's thanks to you that my life is going a lot better than I could've ever hoped for myself.
Thank you, and God bless (even if you don't quite believe in Him).
Reid chuckled to himself as he finished Tobias's letter.
He had returned home from a case ready to lose himself in a book to destress. However, he thought to look over his mail since he and the team had been gone for a few days, just in case. He was initially puzzled and then concerned when he recognized the name Dr. Trent Navarro.
There were two pages folded together and a third on its own. Reid read the singular one first, which simply read:
Dr. Spencer Reid.
I'll allow the correspondence to continue only if they prove beneficial to Tobias's health. He's made excellent strides since becoming my patient, and I intend for him to further it.
Send me any letters you have for Tobias to the marked address, and I'll be sure he receives. However, and Tobias knows this, I will be reading each letter between you two, mostly for my own piece of mind, though I promised Tobias that everything will stay between us.
Attached is my work email and phone in case you need to get ahold of me.
Reid only logged in Dr. Navarro's information after he read and reread Tobias's letter.
It was only a split second of puzzlement before Reid realized that Tobias was answering a letter that he had found himself writing about a week or so prior.
When Tobias confirmed this himself, Reid felt a twinge of annoyance at Morgan for going through his trash, but it evaporated fairly quickly. He couldn't bring himself to stay mad at his best friend, especially since the man went through so much trouble to get him and Tobias talking again.
That must've been difficult for him to do.
When all was said and done and Tobias made it out of his trial, Morgan offered Reid a genuine congratulations, yet hasn't brought up Tobias since. Reid talked to the others and his mother about Tobias when he felt the need to, deciding that he didn't want to make Morgan talk about a man he didn't like.
Maybe he's starting to feel differently now.
The thought was comforting, and Reid smiled. He reread Tobias's letter a few more times, his mind immediately coming up with a reply.
He was thrilled that Tobias was doing better, and it sounded like the institution was changing for the better.
Reid glanced over at Ben's picture. Once he received it in the mail, via Clarence McConnell, he immediately found a frame for it and hung it up. It was a hand-sketched picture of Tobias. Ben must've caught him on his downtime because he drew Tobias engrossed in a book (The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, of all things).
In the sketch, Tobias was free of any scowls, condescension, or worry. His expression was relaxed, mouth curved into an unconscious smile, as his bright eyes drank in C.S. Lewis's imaginative world.
Reid allowed himself to believe that Tobias was like this all the time.
Now he had proof that this was likely the case.
An involuntary, relieved chuckle escaped him as Reid immediately thought to call up JJ and let her know that Tobias was okay.
Nevertheless, he didn't, only because he knew that if he told her, he'd have to tell the whole team.
I'm not going to make the same mistake as before. They're my team and my friends. They should know.
The thought wasn't as anxiety-inducing as it initially was, and Reid found himself somewhat excited at the prospect. JJ and Garcia were the most vocal about their concern for Tobias, but Hotch, Prentiss, and even Rossi have brought him up on occasion.
Reid predicted that him receiving a letter from Tobias might garner trepidation, but he doubted he'd receive any hostility. After all, Morgan was likely the only one to react negatively at this point, yet he was the one to start up the letters again.
Maybe Morgan's finally starting to see what I see.
Smiling a bit wider, Reid made the decision to inform his friends about the letter, and his intent to write back, now that there was a way to do so.
But, he'll tell them tomorrow. Right now, he needed to write his response.
After he turned on the coffeemaker, Reid scrounged up some paper and a pen.
Hello, Tobias...
The End
There we go. What I hope is a decent ending.
Thank you all so much for sticking with me for this long, and for giving this fic a shot! I know my cruddy update schedule was frustrating (and don't even get me started on all my errors...), but I appreciate everyone for sticking with me!
A special thank you to everyone who reviewed, especially to those who offered constructive criticism and gave me a well-needed kick in the ass!
I doubt I'll be writing Criminal Minds fanfiction anymore, but if anyone likes Hetalia then I'm your gal. Who knows: I might even dabble in the MCU.
Take care everyone~!
