Look me in the eyes and tell me this isn't what we've all been waiting for...
All rights go to the owners of Criminal Minds, except for my original character.
Not Like This
Chapter Thirty-four: Release Me
"I can't say I'm not surprised that you're here," Spencer admitted, letting Jamie walk into his home. He closed the door, his face towards it. His hand lingered on the doorknob for a second, then let it go. His mind was never sure what to think when she was around. Sometimes, it was a bad thing. He turned towards Jamie, who was talking off her jacket and staring at him with fear stricken, wet looking eyes. "She just got here," he thought to himself. He tucked his hands into his pockets, standing in place and said, "If I'm being honest, I expected you here a lot sooner." He waited for her to speak.
Sitting on the worn sofa, Jamie stayed silent. Where was she supposed to begin? There was a lot to get off her chest. "I'm glad you're doing alright. You scared us." She gave him reassuring eyes and a slight side-smile. Her words were genuine. If something worse had happened to Spencer, well…she didn't like to think about it.
Spencer cleared his throat and took his hands from his pockets. He walked to the chair he was sitting in when she knocked on the door, moved the dog-eared book from the cushion and sat down. "Yeah, it was…uh, I'm glad, too." He settled with saying just that. There wasn't much to discuss on the situation. What happened was neither of their faults. They both knew it came with the job.
"I know I've been difficult…" Jamie began. It was suddenly hard to process words. Remembering how to breathe seemed like a chore. Her lungs begged for air. She was overflowing with anxiety from the inside out. The tension building was swelling her throat.
Spencer started shaking his head, "No, Jamie. We don't need to do this." He tried to get up, but Jamie put her hand out in front of him. He stayed seated. He began to feel anxious, too. The situation was uncertain and somewhat frightening. It was a long time coming.
"Except we do, Spencer. At least I need to. I need to say these things." Her plea came out quickly. She wasn't trying to get excited or defensive, but it was too natural. Emotionally, she felt unsafe. Insecurity was flooding her body. She wanted to shut down and curl into a ball like a child. Fight or flight mode. "I can't pretend that I'm not hurting you. And I can't see you or look you in the eyes and tell myself that this is all okay." The memories of their past relationship flashed through her mind. The long nights studying, the affection, the encouragement he gave her, the love. Her eyes began to sting, and she forced them shut. They were starting to become bloodshot. She didn't want to cry so early on in the conversation. Especially when it hadn't even truly started yet. Hot breath was sucked between her lips and she sniffled, resisting the urge to rub her nose. "You met me at a very strange time in my life…" Jamie didn't spare a glance at the person on the other end of the conversation. Green eyes fixed on the wooden floor. Her early-twenty, seemingly carefree self, budged her way into the front of Jamie's mind. A young adult who practically considered herself a child, had found something she hadn't expected. Eventually, she fell deep into the rabbit hole of what one might call intimacy. There had never been anything like it in her life. So, throw it into a new-found freedom and a curious desire to dive deeper, Jamie thought she'd have it forever. "I need to tell you this…"
"Does this have to do with what happened between us a couple weeks ago?" Spencer wondered. He sounded almost oblivious to where she as taking the conversation. No, he could sense Jamie was upset. His heart accelerated. A thin layer of sweat started to build on his forehead.
Jamie's head shot up. Her swollen eyes were no longer glued to the ground. She had to admit she almost forgot about that in the moment. "Not entirely," she admitted, "but we should talk about that…among other things."
"I'm nervous."
"Yeah?"
"I'm very nervous."
Hot tears fell from her eyes. He would never forgive her for what she was going to tell him. She let him go and by some miracle, got him back. Not entirely, but he was there. Now, it was like she was starting all over. Shifting weight on the couch, Jamie said, "I don't regret what happened." She needed to be more specific. "I don't regret sleeping with you." Coming back into each other's lives was wearing them both down. Whatever happened after this conversation was up for the taking. One could say it was in God's hands. "You?" Her small voice was hopeful. Red eyes gazed at the man before her and she so desperately wanted to believe things could be like they used to. Jamie Carter was smarter than that. She hated herself for even thinking it. He deserved better.
"I didn't at first," Spencer told her. His eyes were locked with hers. It really was time. "But I think we both know that this can't happen." The rhythm of his heart never faulted. If anything, it got faster. "I thought that if I acted like it didn't matter…then it wouldn't."
Jamie let out a quick breath, one full of hurt. Her hands covered her mouth and tried to not audibly cry at his confession. "This is all my fault!" The words came out as a cry. "I never wanted this for you! This is my fault!" Wet hands moved up to her hair, her elbows resting on her legs. Surely, they would leave red marks. Her fingers grasped her hair and held it there tightly. The crying didn't stop. There was too much hurt, too much guilt for one person to bear. This might be her breaking point.
It was painful for Spencer to see her this way. He didn't know how to help her. Watching her heave on his couch, crying like she hadn't cried in years, made him feel sick. He wanted so much to comfort her. It was ingrained in his brain and muscles how to do it. He got up slowly and moved to sit beside her. He studied Jamie, who was still sobbing. Spencer had a good idea of where this was headed. For a moment, he wished it wouldn't because his heart- not his brain- his heart told him it would end terribly. He'd always known that it would. He didn't try to touch her, just sat next to her. "Jamie…" Searching his memory, he too thought back to the beginning of their lost journey. A humorless laugh and a quickly disappearing grin were product of the memories. It was the happiest time of his life. No doubt there. Yet, it was easily destroyed by the woman sitting next to him. Was she asking for forgiveness? He already forgave her, even when she didn't ask him too. Maybe that was foolish of him. A strange thought crossed his mind. "I never stood a chance, did I?" he asked, incredulous. The thought came to his mind as if he was barely realizing the possibility. Was she playing him over their four-and-a-half years together? A crease between his eyes started to etch itself into his skin. It was a genuine question. Hazel eyes roaming over Jamie's slumped form. Surely, she couldn't be that cruel. He didn't want to believe it.
Jamie had calmed down some. Tears were still free flowing down her face. "That's the sad part," she replied. Her drowning eyes wandered to his confused features. "You did." It came out in a whisper. She let her hands wipe away her tears, rubbing harder than she needed to. "I'm selfish." She said that as if she was simply coming to terms with the fact. However, the fact was that anyone who knew Jamie Carter would say she was capable of pushing others aside and tending to her own desires.
"I don't need to hear excuses anymore." His jaw tightened. This was a touchy subject and without even confirming it out loud, they both knew where this conversation was headed. "If you want to talk about this, let's do it." He abruptly got off the sofa and stood in front of a disheveled Jamie. Bending down to her level, he told her, "It physically pains me to keep doing this with you. Did it ever occur to you that this hurts me?" His fuse was short with this subject.
Ouch.
This had been a long time coming. Since the very first day Jamie walked into the BAU bullpen, this was fated to happen.
Now, there was a question to be considered. Forcing herself to look at Spencer, Jamie met his eyes. She told herself she had no right to be upset. This was happening because of her. Their stares held for a long moment. The tension could make any outsider feel uncomfortable. Neither of them saying a word. It was as if their brains were processing what was happening. Their developed vocabulary vanished. She rose to her feet, challenging him in a way. Her face became hard, yet still so full of emotion. "Of course, I did." Her voice was defensive. "Do you think I like fighting with you? Do you think I like to think about the worst thing I ever did?!"
"Don't yell at me," Spencer told her. "You came to me to talk about this. I was here minding my own business. Don't yell at me in my own apartment." In his mind, it was a warning. As much as he wanted to yell, too, he pushed it down. Getting loud with someone wasn't his forte. However, he would be quick to defend himself. There was a time where he thought this conversation might never happen. It supposedly held a story that he almost let define his early adulthood. He wanted the truth, which lied within the details of the decade old story.
"I've been going to therapy," she spat out. "I mean, at first it was mandated because you know, I got shot and whatnot and I literally think about it all the time, but it's what put me here today." Jamie rolled her eyes. She was starting to babble. "Oh, god…" She swallowed hard. This was harder than she thought. "If it weren't for my doctor, there's no way in hell that I'd be here trying to talk to you. But Spencer, it's so damn hard!" Her hands flew into the air, making the exclamation. She walked away from him as she did and huffed an angry breath. "Damn it! Why can't I just…" Trailing off, her words came to a halt. "UGH!"
Spencer waited for her to finish her sentence. When she wouldn't he said, "Every time we say we're done acting like kids, it always happens again." His long arms gestured to the surround space, "Exhibit A." He was getting irritated. This is not how he wanted to spend his weekend. Yet, it was now definitely ruined. "Spit it out, Jamie."
The sadness was dissipated, now. Anger and frustration began to take over. The small apartment felt hot. The words that came from both of them in this next round would change everything. There was no going back for either of them.
Jamie crossed her arms. The words at the ready. She willed her mind to catch up. She sighed loudly, "After we graduated," she began speaking. She noticed Spencer slightly step back from her. "After we graduated…and I left you in California, I hated myself. I hated myself, Spencer. I still do. And what I did to you will always be my biggest regret." Her arms stayed crossed, coming across her body tighter now. As if they would somehow shield her from the blow back of this conversation.
"You sound like a broken record," he told her. He was made of stone. His feet stuck to the floor, arms at his side, and his face turning unforgiving. No matter how much he told himself he was ready for this to happen, he would've never been truly ready. How does someone prepare for something like this?
"I left you…because I was being selfish." Spencer was right. She was a broken record. This pattern of hers was old. It showed in her personal life and her professional one. She bowed and shook her head, more to herself than to their conversation. It was always the same with her. One day, the two of them would be fine. The next, for whatever reason, emotions and old feelings rose and made everything so damn complicated. There had always been doubts that they could do this; and it's important to point out that this wasn't always one-sided. Jamie and Spencer wanted to walk through the ordeal smoothly. Yet, it was like they were forced to constantly jump over hurdles. Was there any other choice but to face it head-on? Whether it be buried feelings of their young love, fighting during a case, playing pool at a dive bar, or hidden secrets that were meant to stay hidden. All they could do, was cling to the fragile hope that the seemingly small world, that had somehow brought them back together, wouldn't crash and burn around them. It didn't feel impossible, but it was a challenge to will it into existence. Her arms came down from her frame, resting at her sides. "I almost feel like there's no place for me in your life anymore."
He considered her words. Jamie had been gone from this life for an entire decade. He remembered seeing her in the briefing room on her first day. He could hear her achingly familiar voice say his name with such surprise. Her facial features slightly shifting due to aging, but still the same. How odd that the universe would slap them back together in the way it had. He tucked his hands into his pants. His mind was still thinking, his body staying in place. They stared at each other, not glaring. A mixture of emotions curdled between them. A cloud of indifference started to form around him. He held her gaze for a moment longer, then said, "Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." His head bowed. He didn't want to look her in the eyes. Those green, beautiful, betraying eyes he saw in his dreams. It was starting to hurt. He had lived those ten years without Jamie, thinking he would never see her again. At one point, he became okay with that. The idea of living without the person he grew up with, the person he cared for so deeply was…crushing. When he thought about it, he was never given a true goodbye. He was practically abandoned as a young adult. How was this happening all over again? The curiosity of the question was too loud.
He ran a hand through his hair and sat back down on the chair he'd been in before. A quiet sigh came from the opposite side of the room. Spencer let his eyes go back to Jamie, seeing her looking at him with what he'd say was uncertainty. "I used to think I was meant to be alone. Thinking of you used to keep me up at night." His need to know her secrets was too great for his body to contain. He hadn't even noticed how his right foot was loudly tapping to floor. His hands, warm with anger more than likely, came up to his mouth in a praying position. His heavy eyes closed, and he inhaled powerfully, letting it out through his mouth. Putting his hands down clasped together on his knees, he tried to discover even the faintest thread of resolve within himself. "Well, maybe that's for the best." It was a surprising torment, hearing his own cold tone. This woman made him into someone he didn't recognize. "Ever since you came back into my life, it's been nothing short of difficult." He'd never actually taken the time to sit and think about how Jamie affected his life. Part of him was happy, almost relieved to have her back. Now, as they stood in front of one another, Spencer came to terms with the fact that her reappearance caused unwelcomed troubles. He didn't know what it meant, though. The two sides fought inside of him. "I still don't understand what could've made you leave the way you did," he claimed, standing quickly. "We - I thought we were happy? I mean, what could've been so bad that you turn your back on someone you claimed to love?!" Years of concealed anger came to the surface.
Helpful discoveries were becoming known. Even though Spencer had said he'd forgave Jamie a long time ago, there was a lot of resentment there. How could there not be? To think it had come to this. Jamie was utterly fixed on the irate man in front of her. He had moved closer to her as he was yelling. The pain Jamie felt has she tried to imagine Spencer back in 2004, when she had indeed turned her back on him, consumed her. It wasn't just pain, but outright misery. She didn't understand the feeling. She wanted to be angry, but it mixed too well with her internal torture. It took her a moment to register that Spencer was still speaking. Her brain refocused on him.
"And I just don't understand! What did I do that was so bad that you packed up one day and left me without even saying anything?! Were you really that unhappy?!"
"Spencer…" There was a second where she questioned if she was strong enough to do this. It was too late. He didn't understand and she knew that wasn't his fault. She'd kept secrets from him.
"No, Jamie!" He pointed a finger at her. It was his turn to speak. Spencer had every intention of finding out what he wanted to know. Decade old revelations would soon be revealed."This conversation has been a long-time coming and we're finally doing it! Okay? You owe me answers, damn it!" If he had the ability to form tears he would have.
She was scared. Not necessarily of the unrecognizable person in front of her but scared of the truth. It wasn't a situation she willingly thought of. The remorse and guilt might as well have been pouring from every orifice on her body. Her mouth turned into a frown and her eyebrows etched together. Words were lost.
Spencer scoffed, "So, now you're not going to say anything?!" He was breathing heavily, and he was sweating again. "How could you be so inconsiderate? Seriously, I don't' think I've ever met someone who had treated me like you have! You never stop to think about how your actions hurt other people! It's a constant reoccurring theme with you!"
Her eyes tightened, and she tried to drown out his harsh words. She winced, listening to what Spencer Reid truly thought about her. Her teeth clenched together, and she could hear a strong click as her jaw throbbed. Her hands flew to her forehead and her breathing became ragged. Spencer was still spewing his seething rage and it broke her heart. "I wasn't ready…" she whispered. She might as well had not said it at all. Jamie continued to stand there and force herself to hear what he had to say.
"What?" Spencer demanded. "Speak up."
Jamie didn't say anything. She didn't know how.
Spencer rolled his eyes and turned his back on her. He rubbed his face, frustrated. "See? This is exactly what you do!" He had turned back around now. There was no concern left for anyone's feelings, including his own. "You shut down whenever we start to get somewhere! No wonder you're the way you are! You can't get it through your head that this isn't okay anymore – that it was never okay! How the hell did I let it get this far?! One of these days you will get yours and-"
"I wasn't ready!" She had enough.
"Ready for what?!"
"A baby!"
Silence flooded the tiny, dark apartment. They were frozen in place, downright motionless. Both of their mind's echoing the words that were said. The saddest thing about betrayal is that is never comes from your enemy.
In that moment, both Jamie Carter and Spencer Reid lost. One lost their goddamn mind and the other…they lost the last ten years of their life.
Thanks for reading and please remember to review. I would really appreciate it.
