~ Chapter 34 ~
Silva bursts forward from his position on the insignia in the center of the arena. Catching Gon off his guard, the man relies on his physical strength as much as his Nen to move his massive body against the islander boy. His limbs swing in swift, decisive, and devastatingly powerful strikes that Gon is just barely able to lift his arms to block. Though Gon's physical strength and Nen abilities are nothing to laugh at, Silva holds his refinement and speed over Gon, pushing him farther and farther back with his blows.
At this barrage, Killua leaps behind Silva with the grace of Godspeed, but the monstrous man has no blind spots. Not for long. Whenever Killua thinks he's found an opening to attack, Silva halts him with one massive arm, glaring at him head-on. Expression indecipherable, aura mad but controlled, as the fight goes on, Silva's pretense of composure steadily fades. The whites of his slit blue eyes grow; his lips recede to show sharp incisors in his crazed elation; and his swings become more relentless. Silva uses physical attacks from the front and aura attacks from behind to distract Gon and Killua and throw them off their rhythm. That feral, Mike-like aura pounces on its prey with uncouth malignance, its ferocious, overt nature unbecoming of a master assassin. Visage deranged, teeth nipping at their respective weaknesses, Silva's aura hits Gon and Killua where it hurts most, dividing the combative power they normally have when fighting together: the spot where Kikyo stabbed Gon just a few days before and Killua's superb analytical mind as he prolongs the fight. The longer they continue on like this, the more likely it is one of them will slip. The plan Killua had to confuse Silva with coordinated attacks is left in the dust. Like their foe, Gon and Killua avoid physical and Nen attacks with Ren of their own, but it's a mere distraction. Silva waves his son aside as he hounds on Gon.
Gon feels himself trembling underneath the pressure of that aura. He remembers its claws digging deep into his skin in the Zoldyck dungeons just a few hundred feet below: Those merciless, reptilian eyes gazing at him in dispassionate ecstasy as Silva ravaged his body and mind for any weakness to use against Killua upon his arrival, forcibly reawakening Gon's Nen in the process. Silva must have seen the way Illumi's jealousy twisted the air around him whenever Gon was nearby. He caught onto Killua's hopefulness when Gon first arrived at the Zoldyck Estate state with Kurapika and Leorio, sending the entire household into disarray. Silva felt it in that moment, too: Gon's defiance of him and the entire ideology of the Zoldyck Family when he was captured, his unshakable determination and willingness to sacrifice himself to keep Killua safe more than apparent – all for no profit of his own.
Gon is someone Killua values more dearly than any of them, and though the Zoldycks avoid admitting it, they all knew. Silva, Illumi, Kikyo – they convinced themselves there were ulterior motives on both sides, too dumbfounded by Gon and Killua's loving, mutual support of each other to be able to understand otherwise. The reality that there were no strings attached was too much to bear for a family that had built a legacy on generations of lying, manipulation, and abuse.
In desperate attempt to snuff it out, Silva's aura smothers Gon's golden one, filling it with pain and despair. In the face of that beastly aura, Gon retains his defiance, but hardly. From the effort it takes to block Silva's Nen, by the time Gon sees the fists coming his way, it's already too late.
Both of his arms shatter.
Seeing the shocked pain on his friend's face, Killua's mind screams. Without thinking, he makes a last-ditch attempt to reach him, only to be thrown off his course by a blast from the sky. Barely skidding out of the way to one side, Killua looks up in vexation, seeing nothing at first in his tunnel focus on Gon. Then, squinting at the trees and sky rising above the concrete walls, he spots microscopic insect-shaped black drones moving in synchronicity within a parasitic swarm. Milluki's voice projects from them.
"Hah! Take that, you traitor!"
On the other side of the arena, Gon gathers all the Ko he can manage into his legs now that his arms have been incapacitated. He kicks at Silva with all the strength he can muster, allowing his hatred to overflow in this moment – his hatred not only for all that Killua, Alluka, Kalluto, and even Illumi have endured over the last six years thanks to the monster before him now, but for all he himself has endured.
"Gon Freecss!" Perspiration becomes evident on Silva's brow as he's driven into a corner by Gon's charge, though his aura and expression are no less menacing and crazed. "From the moment I saw you attack Illumi, I knew you had a power in you unlike any other!" Silva smiles manically as he tries to rationalize the position they find themselves in now. His face and voice darken. "But such rash attacks will only get you so far."
Gon disregards his words. In one swift motion, Silva's hands snakes through Gon's shaky defense and with two fingers he hits a pressure point on Gon's chest. It throttles his limbs and brain until his vision fades.
Gritting his teeth at Milluki's drones while the fight escalates on the other side of the arena, Killua launches himself into the air. He flips onto his back until he's facing the sky. Maneuvering his arms, he takes out as many drones as possible, using the technique of the Snake Awakens. After Killua falls back to the ground, the drones fall too in a jittering heap of technology. Their red and white lights blink in confused dysfunction.
Somewhere in the estate, Milluki slams his fists against his desk in front of his split screen. "Dammit!"
Killua realizes too late that moment of distraction was exactly what Silva wanted. His pupils constrict at what he sees on the other side of the arena. Silva holds Gon in a deadly chokehold: a massive arm around his neck, his other hand grasping his upper bicep so as to lock Gon into place. With his arms shattered, Gon is immobilized, but thrashing.
Godspeed flickers around Killua in an ominous glow, though he knows any move will only put Gon in more danger. His senses kick into overdrive to find the single successful outcome in an infinite number of scenarios, and feeling Killua's despair, the avaricious monster grasping Gon by the throat pulsates in triumphant fury. It actively smothers Gon's golden aura with all its might, but Gon refuses to budge in his spirit, expression fierce.
"Which will it be, Killua?" Silva catechizes from across the arena, a father exhausted and amused by his son's neverending antics. They've been in this position so very many times before. The man's face has returned to the composed, distant mentor Killua knew throughout his childhood – but his breath appears just slightly ragged, his brow shining with sweat. "Either you give yourself up to save your friend, or you defeat me and he dies. You can't have it both ways."
So… all this time, Silva's goal wasn't to kill Gon, but to convince me to come back? Killua asks in disbelief. He still thinks something like that is possible?
Silva must have thought he could convert Gon to his side by using Gon's inordinate power to blind him while at the estate, and then planned to make Killua think Gon was naught but a power-hungry fool chasing after the prestige of the Zoldyck Family.
Such convoluted means… Killua thinks. Such convoluted means of deception… for nothing.
Since Silva's original plan failed, he resorted to using Gon as a hostage instead.
It was sad, really.
Hilarious, if not for the position they currently found themselves in. Behind the panic endeavoring to take over his mind, a part of him can't help but laugh at the situation. His shoulders bob in his humor, his hands flying up to slap his forehead, aching from the million calculations running through his head.
"You betrayed us. You killed Illumi," Silva says slowly, disregarding Killua's insanity. He sustains his enigmatic vizard throughout his speech – but Killua can see the greyness under his eyes, the strain of his lips. This isn't easy. "You ran away from home. You even killed my wife. Killua, you…" The trepidation of his words pulls Killua out of his prior reaction.
He recalls the haunting sound of his mother wailing in the dungeon halls; Illumi's blank expression twisted by broken surprise and proud awe the very moment Killua stabbed him through the heart. Silva maintains eye-contact, his face stony as he says, "You will become the best assassin to ever live. Because you've renounced the Zoldyck Family itself."
The hair on Killua's arms, legs, and neck raises. He doesn't want to hear that from his father – especially not when Silva is holding his best friend by the throat, able to end his life at any moment with a sharp twist.
"And what about you?!" Killua shouts, unable to contain himself any longer. "You killed Gotoh! You didn't stop Illumi from meeting his fate! You forced him to raise me when we were both just children! You never listened to mom! You locked my little sister in a room in the basement for her entire life, made my youngest sibling hate me for no reason –! You…! You've made all of us suffer…!" His constricted blue eyes become normal despite his resistence, flicking over to the distress on Gon's face. At his increasing lack of oxygen, Killua's confidence falters even more. No, I won't let you die! I won't abandon you now…!
"Time is running out," Silva notes as Godspeed fades from the slender body of his prized heir. The man takes a moment to glance at the bluing face of the boy trapped between his arms. "You can still make amends for what you've done."
Killua searches for any conceivable solution. All his life, he's killed and defied whoever got in his way.
He killed hundreds – perhaps thousands – of innocent people just to vent his frustration if they pissed him off enough – or if they didn't.
He rarely defied his family out of fear and a misled, childish hope they were as loving and deserving of his respect as they always told him, but…
After leaving home, he knew that wasn't true. He killed or threatened whomever got in his and Gon's way if it meant he could continue his adventures with Gon. Convicted serial killers. Chimera Ants. The mercenaries at the seaport. The Needlemen on the beach; random, innocent people made into puppets by Illumi… It mattered not.
His own brother… he killed for many reasons, in a final act that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
But this enemy, his own father…
This is the one person he can't defy.
Even if Killua could defeat him, he wouldn't fulfill Silva's prophecy. Because he was right – Killua turned into the skilled Hunter he was today thanks to Illumi's training. Thanks to his family's upbringing. And he would even kill his own family if it meant he could be free of what was impossible.
Killua's knees become weak. He glances at Gon's fading amber eyes, and he can still see the fire in them. Telling him not to give up. To do whatever it takes to take Silva down. But…
Silva is genuinely apologetic as he says, "Killua, you didn't keep your promise. You betrayed your friend by not keeping him away from here. It's time for this foolishness to end."
Killua looks at them with tear-stained eyes. Silva raises his hand, ready to plunge his fingers into Gon's chest and pluck out his beating heart in that clean way Killua was so prideful of not too long ago. Godspeed moves him forward on pure instinct, seeing the jaw of Silva's aura about to close around Gon for eternity.
Trailing with the explosive, electric power of Godspeed, Killua throws one of Kikyo's shuriken through the air – but a laser bullet from one of Milluki's fallen drones shoots through Silva's collarbone first. Cutting through the skin, muscles, and bone, Silva is thrown off-balance just long enough for Gon to elbow him in the chest with the full force of his Ren. The blast loosens Silva's grip enough for him to stumble away, and Gon gasps for breath as he clambers toward Killua on the other side of the arena.
Unable to stop three consecutive surprise attacks at once, Silva fails to dodge Kikyo's shuriken, which slices clean through his wrist.
Neither Zoldyck heir makes a sound at the sight of Silva's disembodied hand falling to the ground. If anything, the man clutches his bleeding stump in umbrage as Gon gets behind Killua, raising a limp forearm to the red marks around his throat.
From the distorted speaker of the barely-functioning, fallen drone, Milluki shouts, "Fuck!" until it powers off for good.
Glancing over to the lifeless technology, Silva's face is consumed by anger at the malfunction of his incompetent son's hardware, but only for only a moment. He lightens with a manic smile, holding his severed wrist, standing straighter. Silva rips off one sleeve of his purple robe and winds it haphazardly around the wound, then he stands as ready as before, seeing the calm, now relaxed poise of his most rebellious son. Lifting his only remaining fist, Silva's embattled energy consumes his slit eyes and his aura, looming over the arena and proliferating the trees around them in a state more amped up than before. "Come at me!"
Killua's flat purple shoes twitch on the ground, ready to move. Before he can, Gon musters all his power to thrust his arms at the concrete arena floor, destroying the ground beneath them. Layers of dirt, stone, and clay crumble deep into the earth's crust, and in a final act of heroism, Gon bites through the pain of his broken arms to sweep Killua back from the edge and entire stone wreckage. They bolt in the opposite direction of Silva and the crumbling arena in spite of Killua's reaction of surprise and resistance.
With a mighty boost from his legs, Silva soars high into the sky, out of the destructive cloud to land on top of the concrete wall opposite Gon and Killua. Trying to spot their escape path in the dust kicked up from Gon's attack, the ground beneath the wall he's perched upon loses its integrity as well. He plunges down into the depths of the Zoldyck dungeons below.
Many hours later, the sun has disappeared over the Zoldyck Estate. The butlers fighting at the entrance have been dispatched, giving way to an aura of serenity never seen before. Unable to find their charge, two young women are left without a direction aside from their shared admiration for one other, and head off into the forest to tell the others of their feats in their newfound liberty.
A sheen of mist has settled around the autumn-colored trees, and on the northwest fringes of the property, an everlasting wound has opened to be forever embedded in its history. Zeno Zoldyck crouches near the edge of the destruction with Milluki, where the old training arena used to be. Pebbles fall from where his slippers stand near the chasm below. "What a mess," he chastises. The man, fallen over a few hundred feet below, is on his knees. With only one hand holding him up, the other hand is but an empty stump, slowly dribbling blood onto the stones and dirt around him in the collapsed Zoldyck dungeon hall.
"Are we gonna help him?" Milluki asks, turning to the old man. Zeno says nothing.
Silva's voice echoes up from the bottom of the small crater before Zeno can respond.
"Killua… you didn't finish the job," he mumbles in disappointment. He bangs his remaining fist against the stone floor of the collapsed dungeon hall. "If only all of us had your strength, then the Zoldyck Family wouldn't have fallen. If only we…" He stops short. Uncharacteristically, his vision blurs as the sound of dribbling blood becomes louder, tapping against his skull. His limbs become weak.
. . .
Forest and mountains slog by. Gon, propping Killua up with Killua's arm around his shoulder, is barely able to hold him up with the internal bone structure of his arms compromised. Hours pass until, finally, Killua collapses on the ground in a heap of exhaustion. Gon falls to his knees beside his best friend.
"We… we couldn't defeat him. I… couldn't defeat him."
Mist and trees swallow them on all sides. Kukuroo Mountain is now far out of sight, though they remain somewhere in the same mountain range. Looking at Gon from between his fingers and damp bangs, Killua's knees are muddy in the mossy bed beneath them. Slowly, a misty rain starts to fall over the region, making plunking sounds in the trees.
Worried as he places a limp arm carefully around Killua's shoulder, he realizes Killua's trembling aura isn't from pain, but a mystifying, frightened excitement. He could understand the feeling, if only vaguely.
"What… am I… going to do?" Killua continues. "What will I tell Alluka…?"
Gon waits a moment to answer.
"How can I face her or Kalluto like this…?"
"By telling them that we walked away from the estate alive, and that we can finally be at peace."
Killua's hand slides away from his vacant blue eyes. His face lifts to meet Gon's. "But he could still come after us, he –"
"Killua. You know as well as I do," Gon interrupts.
Seeing the warm acerbity in Gon's face, Killua doesn't need him to say any more. He looks down at the damp moss beneath him, between his pale, shaking hands. Water drips from the ends of his white hair, soaking his scalp, back, and face.
Gradually bringing himself to his feet, Killua exhales. He outstretches a hand to Gon. Surprised, Gon takes it.
Tears slip down Gon's cheeks as Killua pulls him into an embrace. He breathes deeply, relishing this single moment of listlessness in the rainy mist.
Years from now, when they find themselves on an endless plain of wind and grass whipping hair and fabric all around them underneath the harsh sun, they will look at each other and know the last six years of their youth were but a prelude to the hardships to come. Killua will wake up one morning and look into the mirror with long, silver hair and be reminded of his father. Gon will fend off an enemy and realize his fear of his own physical and Nen power was valid. Together, they'll sew up every wound inflicted upon themselves and each other, and be reminded of Illumi's graceful fingers and of Kikyo's scarred, broken countenance whenever she took off her mask. Killua and Gon will face challenges and know Killua still won't hesitate to murder whomever gets in his way of happiness. The Zoldyck family will continue to watch over them from beyond, judging every moment they forge their own paths.
But in this moment, soaked with rain and wrapped in each other's arms, the other's reassuring smile tells him everything he needs to know.
That incomprehensible future, full of all the possibilities of the world, for now, is still far, far away.
I started crying the moment I opened this chapter for the final edit. I hope it goes without saying that I had a grand time writing this story over the last nearly four years. Everyone's enthusiasm and feedback one-hundred percent contributed to that. I cannot thank you enough for your continued interest and kind words over the years. Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
My entire idea for this story sparked from a fanart I saw on Tumblr in January of 2017. The fanart is by おまる, whom you can find on pixiv. I have the fanart saved under the tag "Things I Don't Understand inspo" on my Tumblr blog, naysaltysalmon. After seeing that fanart, I began wondering what would happen if Gon saw Killua murder someone up close. The main criticism I've gotten for this story over the years is that Gon wouldn't be too shocked to see Killua murder someone. I disagree. The reality is, in the series, Gon has never seen humans murdered up close. He saw it from afar in the Hunter Exam from Killua and Hisoka or some eldritch horror. He even murdered Chimera Ants himself (who are essentially human, but Gon didn't see it that way due to his blindness in his self-blaming rage), but he's never actually witnessed a human death. I think he would be more than a little shocked to see his best friend murder someone when Killua is supposed to be getting over his murderous ways thanks to Gon. This fanart sparked that situation in my head, and I built everything off from that. The title I got from a song title in the album X&Y by Coldplay, which I listened to obsessively at the end of high school to understand my own loss at the time.
This is the longest story I've ever written, and the longest I've ever written a story. Things I Don't Understand has been with me since the end of senior year of high school. Throughout all the friend breakups, struggles in personal growth, international travel experiences, academic projects, social movements and now even a global pandemic, this story has been the one steady thing in my life. I am now finishing it as a senior in college, and I feel… a strange sense of loss, though it hasn't fully registered with me yet. But all good things must come to an end, and I won't prolong what begs for resolution. I was originally planning to write an epilogue as I normally do with my long fics, but I went with this instead, which I think better suits the overall message of the story anyway.
This is a modified list of questions from an "After Someone Reads Your Book" thing I found years ago. I will be forever grateful if you could answer any or all of the questions below to help me understand what you all took away from the story as a whole! (I love hearing other people's interpretations of mine and others' work!)
1. At what point did you feel like "Ah, now the story has really begun!"?
2. What were the parts you found yourself skimming?
3. Which setting in the fic was the clearest to you as you were reading it? Which setting do you remember the best? (If none of the others, PLEASE answer this one!)
4. Which character was your favorite, and why? If different, which character was your favorite within the confines of this fanfiction? (For example, I hated Illumi at the start of writing this fic, but by the end my view changed entirely. Were there any characters I made you change your mind about through my retcons and if yes which was your favorite?)
5. What was the most suspenseful moment in the fic for you?
6. If you had to pick one character to get rid of, who would you ax, and why?
7. Was there a situation in the fic that reminded you of something in your own life, and how? Was this similarity useful?
8. Where did you stop reading the first time you clicked on the webpage?
9. Where do you place this fic in relation to other HxH/KilluGon fics or fanfics in general? (Choose whichever comparison(s) makes the most sense to you.)
10. Finish this sentence: "I kept reading because…"
11. Literally anything else you want to say about the story from this final chapter or on the story as a whole: Random hypothesizing about themes, character deconstructions, or anything else you personally took away from the story is 100% welcome!
I hope this fanfiction provided some relief in these dire times. Rest assured, I will be back with more fanfic inspiration someday soon – but first, I gotta finish my degree…! (Uy.) I have been considering writing a TIDU-inspired short side story, but I'm not sure yet? Any thoughts? It would be more comedic (and smutty?) than anything, delving more into Gon and Killua's physical relationship during and after the events of TIDU. (I know I also mentioned going back and editing everything one more time to fix the section breaks and such, but I have already put so many hours into this thing, like more than anything else in my life at this point except a few video games. So I think preserving it in its current form should be good for posterity when I check on it later, haha.)
I am looking forward to my new projects. Because of your support, I am now pursuing professional authorship. For the last year, I have been getting my foot in the door of the publishing world, and it is thanks to your encouragement. I have been so humbled by your kind words, not just on this story but on this fanfiction account over the last nearly ten years now. I hope not to disappoint with my future fanfics and upcoming career.
I wish you all happy hearts and healthy minds.
[Finished]
