Chapter 34

"Hello, Master."

Ben didn't look up as Obi-Wan entered their quarters, his eyes fixed intently on the datapads scattered out before him. Obi-Wan paused to linger over his apprentice's shoulder as he slid his robe off, furrowing brows in an attempt to discern what was consuming the boy's attention.

"How was your day before the courts?" Ben asked in a cheerful voice, glancing up at his mentor. He hoped the attentive attitude would cover his attempt to hide his frustration, and so far it seemed to be working.

"I suppose the same as any time I have been called as a witness." Obi-Wan shrugged his shoulders. "I gave my testimony and then was cross-examined by a counselor who seemed extraordinarily nervous merely because a Jedi was on the stand. I do not understand what worried him so much."

"I don't know. Maybe he thought you would draw your saber and retaliate if you didn't like the question," Ben said, returning his attention to the datapad directly in front of him.

"Perhaps," Obi-Wan said, chuckling. "You look like you have had an industrious day. I actually thought you might take a break before diving into work," he continued with a hint of concern in his voice.

"Well, I need to catch up on my studies. Our last mission put me pretty far behind."

"I see." Ben chanced a hesitant glance up, noting the skepticism in his mentor's eyes. He smiled at the concerned brush against his mental shields, breathing a sigh of relief when Obi-Wan seemed to not push the matter. Instead, the Jedi master strolled to the small kitchenette to put some water on to boil for tea. "When I left you sparring with Xanatos and Anakin, I half expected you to run around with them for the rest of the day. How did that go?" he called from the kitchen.

Ben stiffened in his chair, trying to keep a hold on his shields. "Fine. I guess." He scowled, wondering if his master would find the answer as unconvincing as he did.

"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked, returning to where Ben was sitting. The raised eyebrow when he hesitated told him that he wasn't going to get away without discussing what was on his mind. The boy let out a frustrated rush of breath, scooting over to make room as Obi-Wan sat down next to him.

"It's just like I have two masters sometimes. I have to live up to not only what you expect from me, but what Master Xanatos expects as well."

"I know that feeling too well," Obi-Wan voiced with an irritated sigh.

"You do?"

"You forget that I was a padawan at one time and had to deal with Xanatos."

"I don't get it, Master." Ben allowed the datapad he was holding to tumble out of his hands. "He is so patient and understanding with Anakin, and then he has a completely different set of expectations for me."

"Because you were raised in the Temple, it would only be natural for him to expect more …"

"This is different, Master," Ben groaned.

"There is also the matter that he feels he is trusting you with my life," Obi-Wan replied pointedly.

"That's hardly fair, Master. You are a Jedi master and I am still a padawan …"

"I will most definitely speak to him about this. But, you may find you have to stand up to Xanatos one of these days."

"Stand up to him?" Ben's voice was almost hoarse, his stomach already tightening at the thought of having to stand toe to toe with someone who could be so intimidating.

"I have known Xanatos a long time. He means well and cares deeply for those who are special to him, but he is also a very arrogant man who is used to getting his way, even bending the rules to do so. His personality is very strong, and he uses that to his advantage. If you are not willing to stand your ground, he will walk all over you, Padawan."

"Master, I really need you to wake up."

The healers had just taken Obi-Wan from the bacta tank and now the Jedi master was tucked under the crisp, bright white sheets of a healers' ward cot. He was going to be okay. Even now, Ben could see that color had returned to pale features, and the hand that rested in his was no longer cold and clammy. It was warm and full of life. He offered his mentor a soft smile, knowing the unconscious man would not see, but it made him feel better.

A familiar presence approached from behind, causing the smile on his face to fade as his stomach turned to a mass of knots. Perhaps another reprimand would come. Stand your ground. For some reason, imagining the words in his mentor's cultured tones gave him a boost of confidence. He had prepared and rehearsed in his mind what he wanted to say to Xanatos, yet when faced with the opportunity, he couldn't seem to make any words come from his mouth.

"The healers told me Obi-Wan was out of the tank."

"Yes, Master Marojni … he is," the young man said, allowing the extra formality to express his discomfort.

"Ben …" Xanatos began.

It was now or never.

"I am not you … and I am not Anakin," Ben said before Xanatos could say anything more. He turned to face the Jedi master, swallowing the urge to retreat, standing tall and schooling his features the way he remembered Obi-Wan did in the most intense negotiations. "My master gave me an order to run, knowing I would obey. We were fighting for our lives, bond completely unshielded so we could coordinate. I was the one there at that moment … not you. His directive was very, very clear to me. It did not waiver even when he went down … and especially not when he used the last of his strength to push me to safety and save my life. I would have failed him if I had not done what he asked of me."

Xanatos stared at him, seeming to digest the young man's words. Ben took a minute to consider that he had managed to render him silent, hoping the elder Jedi did not see how bad his hands were shaking.

"I know, Ben … I was out of line." It wasn't in Xanatos Marojni's nature to apologize, leaving Ben momentarily dumbfounded and unsure how to respond.

"What? Is it that much of a shock for me to admit I was wrong?" Xanatos let out a dry laugh. "You followed your master's wisdom and did exactly what you should have done." The older Jedi paused, taking a deep breath. "And, I should know better …"

"What do you mean?" Ben asked.

"I wasn't much older than you are when I stubbornly chose not to leave Master Qui-Gon's side. They captured us and kept us separated for I don't remember how long until they came and took me to him one day. My master had been beaten badly, but there was still resolve and determination in his eyes. That disappeared the moment he saw me. He knew something bad was about to happen."

"What did happen?"

"I will never forget the man's words. He said, 'You obviously care nothing for yourself, Master Jinn. Shall we try this again with someone you might care more about?'"

Ben coiled back, his face expressing the chill the words had sent through him.

"We both tried to resist, but in the end, my master told them everything they wanted to know," Xanatos continued. "It nearly compromised the entire mission and the safety of an ambassador and his family."

"Why come down so hard on me if you thought I did the right thing?"

"I am not perfect and highly fallible, Ben," Xanatos admitted. "I was afraid of losing a dear friend. Fear is so powerful … so dangerous … I know that might be hard for you to understand."

"I understand more than you might think," Ben whispered. "At least now …"

"You can talk about what happened," Xanatos coaxed.

"I know he looked bad when they brought him in, but you didn't see the state my master was in when I found him." Eyelids slid shut, hiding deep brown eyes as Ben shook the disturbing image of his master so badly injured from his mind. "I was angry at myself for leaving him. I was scared I was going to lose him. I was completely enraged that they would hurt him." The young Jedi wrapped his arms around his body, the distant memory of a haunting voice echoing in his mind. "I didn't realize how easy it was to find the Darkside."

Ben still had questions, ones he had not dared to ask Garen, as nice and understanding as the Jedi master had been. Had he only felt the Darkside or had he actually touched it? Was it part of him? Had he failed to stay to the Light?

"You were only tempted." The softly spoken words drew him from his thoughts. "I better than anyone would sense any darkness in you and there is none," Xanatos said firmly, reassuring the young man.

Obi-Wan had told him of Xanatos' fall to the Darkside, not in great detail, but enough that it would not be used against the padawan as it had been with Anakin. Yet, it had not occurred to him to talk to Xanatos about his brush with darkness.

"Just being tempted by it seemed to draw Obi-Wan to consciousness. He helped me get control."

"I'm glad. That's not a path you want to start down." Ben hung his head down and Xanatos rested a hand on his shoulder, giving a slight squeeze. "It won't be the last time you face the darkness. It is part of being a Jedi. Your own master has seen it rear its ugly head, and there is no shame in facing in and resisting."

"Thank you, Master Xanatos."

"I hope that in time you will be able to forgive me for hurting you when I should have been there for you."

Ben settled for nodding his head in answer, something else nagging in his mind. "I don't think Anakin will ever speak to me again, though."

"Why do you say that?" Xanatos asked.

"When I first became Obi-Wan's apprentice, I swore to him that I wouldn't let anything happen to him." Ben cringed.

"A foolish promise to make … especially considering your master," Xanatos said with a deep sigh.

"I suppose."

"All of our emotions have been running high. Maybe now is the time to ask him to talk, now that we know your master will be okay."

Ben nodded his head again, still not completely convinced that Anakin would even want to speak with him. At least he felt more at peace with Xanatos, having seen humility in the man that he suspected few had been privileged to see, and realized that he now understood the Jedi master a little better than before.