One more for the ride...

Enjoy,

M.

Chapter 63

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

It was a mix of the tingling sensation of Naquadah in someone else. The curiosity about who might it be and the time that made her walk away from her hiding spot and into the briefing room. She spotted Teal'c. Her mind provided her with the knowledge that there was no Junior anymore within him. 'Maybe that's why it's so mild.' she thought.

A second, more powerful tingling sensation settled under her skin, suddenly. That one, she could recognize easily, when the dark-haired woman rushed in to sit on the only empty chair left at the table. It was the same sensation she had felt when Vala Mal Doran had entered Landry's office two days earlier. She hadn't bothered to ask because she knew eventually, she would figure out how that it came to be.'Yes, that's the humming of a former host.' She thought, stepping out with determination.

Sam suppressed a cringe when there was a loud noise, as chairs were dragged across the floor. All the military personnel around the table stood up at attention as she entered. She wondered if Jack hated it as much as she did.

Then she clenched her jaw. Among the standing people, there was Janet, Lt. Colonel Fraiser. 'Fuck! That woman deserves a promotion to General far more than I do,' Sam thought. Then blinked.

"At tease. Take your seats," she said.

It was her voice; it seemed what made some people at the table look at her with widened eyes. Yes, three out of the five members of SG1 knew her from way back then. She'd called them friends and loved them as much or more than her own brother.

Daniel, Teal'c, and Janet knew she was joining them at the SGC. Knowing it and living it were two different things. They knew her from before, both in and out of the mountain. She had been the perfect soldier when needed, however, she had also been a good friend both in and out of the base. The cold eyes, icy demeanor, and the way she was carrying herself were shocking to them. It was so different from the warm, caring Sam they had once known.

Truth was, Sam wanted nothing more than to rush to their sides and embrace them tightly. Never to let them go again. However, her position and the fact that if she followed her desires, it would most likely cause her to break in front of an unknown crew. That made her take a breath that couldn't even be as deep as she needed, not wanting to call attention to herself.

"Doctor Jackson, Doctor Frasier, Teal'c." She said. With the cold, detached voice she'd used during the whole trial and even before that. The voice of the woman she now was. So different from the one she wasn't anymore.

The trio looked at her with a mix of shock and sadness in their eyes. Understanding shone through Teal'c's eyes. He'd been there, in shoes similar to her current ones, when he had returned to the Jaffa nation. Back then, he was an outsider, the former traitor, and the disappeared friend. When he returned to them, he was also their leader, thus he couldn't show weakness.

The way Daniel was looking at her was less understanding. It was filled with questions that couldn't be let out, not here, not now. Then she looked around to find ten confused people looking at her as if she had grown another head. Daniel nodded once, agreeing with her. It wasn't the time. However, she had given that simple reaction hundreds of meanings, none of them good in her opinion.

How could she think that a simple nod was something good? When she'd just buried down years of friendship just by calling him Doctor Jackson in the cold way she just had?

Beside him, Janet looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Then, she nodded towards the other side of the table. Where the members of S15 and 20 along with Mitchell and Vala looked back at Sam expectantly.

"Miss Mal Doran, Mitchell. I'm sorry. Those are all the names I know for now. I'll learn them all soon enough. Now, let's get started," Sam said then. Thinking that telling them, she knew their names and parts of their lives better than themselves, thanks to her investigation, but hadn't ever seen them in person was a bit too freaky.

The entire exchange lasted less than a minute, yet it had drained her. She felt her former friends' eyes on her. Yet, whenever she tried to see if they were looking at her or how glare-ish the look was, they seemed to be avoiding looking at her. Despite everything she thought one would feel after something like this briefing, the whole idea of sending people off-world to face only God knew what… Somehow made her feel relieved.

She couldn't tell that to a soul, though. It made her also feel extremely guilty. SG-1 was leaving the SGC for three days. Three days that she would have to gather herself together after facing them like this. Three days to figure out how she would deal with this new situation, she was faced with. Three days to decide if she wanted to try to get back to her old naïve and caring self or keep her stance as it was. She shook her head. Maybe she should simply be whatever she had become and finally embrace this version, she had been living as.

The other people, the ones she hadn't known, had simply looked at her. They hadn't doubted her words or her decisions. They hadn't questioned her knowledge or lack thereof. They hadn't brought up that they had no clue as to why she had made General over the other Colonels they might know, but then again, neither did her former friends.

Now, the thing niggling the back of her mind was… How screwed up their relationship was? They hadn't followed her to her office to speak with her after the briefing. They hadn't stayed put in the briefing room waiting for her to come clean.

She rubbed her face. She hadn't tried either. She had stood up just like Hammond would back in the day, and walked to her office. She even closed the door behind her.

"You are going to drive yourself crazier, Samantha," she mumbled. Then noticed the hour. It made sense why they hadn't followed. Since she wasn't there the previous day, their briefing was scheduled close to their departure. They still had to go through the entire process before they could be present and accounted for in the embarkation room.

She shook her head. There was a knock on her door. She called for whoever it was to enter, as she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Headache?" Janet asked, popping her head in. Sam nodded once, curtly. "May I, ma'am?" she asked then as if she remembered who she was talking to. "Permission to speak freely, ma'am."

Sam felt the urge to cringe and press the bridge of her nose again. The tension settled in her shoulders and her jaw clenched tightly. Being called ma'am by Janet was like icy-cold water splashed on her. She could feel every drop prickling her skin.

"Go ahead."

"This is so weird," were Janet's first words. "We all thought you were dead, then Davis said you weren't. Jack confirmed this and then Cassie's card… Then Daniel… Never mind." She waved. "The thing is… It's weird. It'll take a while, but I know we'll come through. We always do."

"I hope you're right…" Sam doubted. What should she call her now? Doctor? Colonel? Janet?

"Huh, well. I thought I'd come by and let you know that things have changed, but people haven't. Now, if you excuse me, ma'am. I should be finishing gearing up."

The look Janet had given her. Told her she had screwed it up, again. But she couldn't help it. She wanted to think she knew them, but the truth was, it had been so long ago that she wasn't sure she did anymore. Janet said people hadn't changed, but for Sam, that thought seemed preposterous.

She got lost in thought. Soon, there was a knock on her door and an airman announced the teams were ready to go. She nodded and walked to the control room.

She shook her head as the people in there turned around to watch her. Some of them surprised by her presence, some of them just weary about the new General. The corner of her lips twitched slightly as Walter turned around and smiled at her. A flood of memories rushed through her mind as she remembered being in the exact same position while being a Major and grinning brightly to the then Master Sergeant. She killed them. Clenching her jaw and gaining control of her thoughts like she'd learned to do back when Jolinar's memories had threatened to overtake her mind.

"Dial it up, Chief," she said. The man she used to know pressed the button she had designed all those years ago. The gate started to spin. The sounds weren't as loud as her own heart beating in her ears. She fought with suppressed memories and emotions without showing an external sign of the struggle currently going on in her mind.

"Chevron One encoded." She clenched and relaxed her jaw quickly. Wanting nothing more than to run back to her house and hide there until she died.

"Chevron Two encoded." Sam looked at Walter with the corner of her eye. Wondering if he ever got bored with announcing what it was obvious for all. After all, the locking mechanism was quite loud, and the lights turned on in quite the obvious way.

"Chevron Three encoded." She looked down. The three teams were standing by. There wasn't that much they could do, anyway, not until Chevron seven. Her gaze fell on the three members she knew. As Walter announced, "Chevron Four encoded."

Sam frowned. Janet seemed to be standing awfully close to Teal'c, and Vala Mal Doran was clinging from Daniel's arm. What the hell was going on in that team? "Chevron Five encoded." Were they allowed what she and Jack weren't? Daniel was a contractor. She knew how Teal'c and Vala were attached to the military for 'cover-up' purposes. Was she so unlucky, that she was the only one in that team that had had to restrain not to act on feelings they all knew were there?"

"Chevron Six encoded." She was dying to get her ring out of her dog tags. To press it tightly as she had done for the past eleven years and four months to get strength from it. She couldn't. She was a damned General, and she had to keep up with her position. She bit the inner part of her lower lip in a way she knew wouldn't be obvious.

"Chevron Seven, Locked," Walter announced as the whiplash of the forming wormhole made its way inside the embarkation room. Sam held her breath as it did. "Ma'am?" Walter asked. She looked at him with a confused frown. "They're waiting for you."

"Waiting?" She frowned and looked down. Indeed, they were waiting, looking up towards the control room. She remembered then that no matter how easy the mission was written up to be, she always felt safer when Hammond's departing words were spoken. It gave her some extra reassurance.

"SG-1, SG-15. SG-20. You have a go. Report as scheduled." She gulped, 'Could she fill the shoes of all of those that had gone before her?' she wondered. "Godspeed."

With the help of some airmen, SG-20 and 15 pushed the boxes they were carrying to the other side. Once they were done, they crossed over. Finally, it was just SG-1 left. They turned around to watch her once more. She wanted to add something more. She had the words on the tip of her tongue, but they crossed before her words came out. "Please return in one piece," she whispered so softly that not even Walter heard her.

For some reason, she felt empty. Drained and empty. So she turned around on her heels and walked to her office. Eager to find something that would take her mind away from the latest events. After all, she had tons of reports to read.

It was late when she finally placed the last folder she marked for the day in the proper place and called it a day. She was exhausted. Emotions were tiring by themselves and suppressing them made it all that much worse.

When she noticed the time, she started her way out and back home. She was so thankful they had cleared Jessica. The young woman was going to be a great deal of help, it seemed. Parker had called her earlier to let her know Jessica had picked her up as they agreed to. She was going to remain home with her until Sam returned. It had worried her, at first. Now that she had lost track of time, she decided that she needed to put her fears about Jessica to rest.

"Maybe in a week," she muttered.

However, it warmed her heart to find them both so focused on their own homework. They hadn't even heard her coming in.

"Isn't this a nice sight," she grinned, making them jump slightly.

"Mommy!" Parker said, rushing to embrace her. Sam wondered, once again, how long it would be before P became a moody teenager. One that only wanted embraces and love from her boyfriend.

"I brought dinner." She announced. "I'm not sure if you like Chinese, Jessica. I just bought a lot of everything. I'm going to get changed, so you can wrap up what you were doing."

It was later that night after she had read a story to Parker as they always did. After the girl had fallen asleep. That Sam allowed herself the pleasure of a hot, hard shower to expel out her raw feelings. Once she thought she felt lighter, she walked out. Her phone went off.

She took a deep breath. The tension flowing back in, as if it never had left her at all. It could be the base. There were currently seven teams off-world. None of them were scheduled to report. She rushed to it and looked at the number.

"Hello?"

"Hail Grand Empress!" Jordan said. "How was your second day at work?"

"First," she corrected, plopping herself on her bed.

"What? I thought you were supposed to start yesterday." He groaned. "I thought you would be so exhausted by the tension that you would want to sleep or whatever you do to relax." Sam sighed. "I'll take that sigh as a yes. Huh, for some reason, I just thought that maybe you like to, I don't know, make a nuclear bomb as a stress reliever." Sam laughed. "Wait, you don't do that, do you?"

"No."

"Oh, okay. Cool! That worried me for a bit. So? How was it? Did you get a chance to smoosh it out with General Hunk?"

"Jordan!" Sam chuckled. Since he'd learned about that video of her telling Jack, Happy Anniversary. Jordan had always found a way to try and pry information about them out of her. It never worked, but always made her laugh. "You are such a gossip sometimes."

"Hey, don't blame the guy. To be honest, if it was up to me. I would lock you both in one of those cozy looking rooms at that funky base, you now happen to run. I wouldn't let you out until you figured it out, or you know, exhausted yourselves after crazy hot sex."

"Jordan!" She chuckled at his silliness.

"Oh, please. If I was gay, I'll do him! Your General is a hunk. You aren't so bad yourself. I'll shut up now before you decide to fire me from our companies. Just take that as my lil' piece of advice. You know, in case you want to take it and enact it."

"So, how are things going? Do you need my help with anything?"

"Nope. You made the companies work so nicely, that sometimes I wonder if they need me at all. But I can't complain, I kinda like to be the most expensive flower vase you managed to hire."

"You are not a flower vase."

"Pretty face?" He asked hopefully, Sam snorted.

"No."

"Ah, come on. I didn't do squat. I don't do squat. I'm sure you could've managed all of this alone." Sam gulped.

"No. I wouldn't have," she said. Her voice was barely a whisper. "I'm not sure I would've survived without your help, Jordan." The honesty in her words had him at a loss for words. "Too honest?" she asked with a chuckle.

"Shockingly honest. Thank you, though. I always thought the little I could do was not enough."

"Don't we all?" She said.

"Bullshit! You do way more than anyone else I know."

"Jnerd…" she stopped him, feeling the inadequacy and self-doubt crept up again. "I'm feeling tired. I'll call you tomorrow, or call me if you need anything."

"Oh, okay. Good night, Grand Empress."

She groaned, got dressed for the night, and walked around the house. Finally, she grabbed a light quilt and walked up to the roof. The first place in the entire house she'd been alone with Jack for a whole minute when he had shown it to her. Then to Daniel and finally to Teal'c. The only place they never shared as husband and wife. All in all, it was the only place in the entire house utterly devoid of memories of loving him.