I Have Been Changed for Good
Aisling looked up from the dress she was working on, her eyes drifting towards the window. She wasn't sure what it was, but something had felt off all day. Well, since the Fellowship left, if she was being honest with herself.
A cloud of worry and sadness had fallen over Lorien, with many growing more concerned by the day. It had been a week or so and while she knew that they probably wouldn't get any word from the Fellowship, she couldn't help but wonder if they were okay. What they were experiencing. If they were safe.
She also worried for Haldir.
The patrol of the borders had been increased and she knew they were getting into more skirmishes than before, though he would often play it down. Whenever he was gone, she felt a never-ending anxiety take over, often laying up late into the night worrying for him. Worrying about their future.
"Calm, Aisling. He is returning today," Daella said gently from across the table. Aisling looked over at her. "You know he is well."
"Doesn't make it easier," she replied, frowning. It was true. She knew that he was alive and uninjured, thanks to their connection. Though honestly, she tried not to feel him too much, worried of what she might find.
She didn't want to know what it would feel like if she lost him.
A tear slipped down her cheek that she quickly brushed away. She didn't like to think about it and when he was home, she wouldn't let Haldir talk about it. Yes, it was a bit foolish. But she wanted to keep the war far away when they were together and focus the here and now. Just being with him. Pretending that everything was okay and they weren't possibly looking at losing each other.
But they couldn't ignore it forever. And it wasn't like it wasn't there. She could feel it in the air. In the way they made love each night. Like it could be the last time. God, Aisling didn't want to think about what it would be like without him. What she would do if he were to die in all of this.
"You must not dwell. Haldir is strong. A most capable warrior. He will not fall defending Lorien," Daella said. Aisling nodded and looked back down at the dress, taking a deep breath.
She needed to stay focused. Work would help. And well, this dress wasn't going to make itself.
OOOO
Haldir sighed as he continued up the stairs. He wanted nothing more than to go straight to Aisling and take her into his arms. Feel her heartbeat against his. But he had been sent for and he knew it was imperative that he speak with Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel first.
He made his way to the throne room and walked over, bowing before the two rulers.
"It is good to see you unharmed," Lord Celeborn said. "How are our warriors?"
"We have not lost any, though the enemy is becoming more bold," he replied. "They attack from the west most often."
Celeborn nodded and then turned to Galadriel, a look passing between the two. A spike of fear coursed through him. For he knew whatever they were to say next, it would not bode well.
"What have you seen, my lady?" he asked softly.
Galadriel looked at him, her eyes full of sadness and sympathy. For a moment, he struggled to breathe.
"There is to be a great battle… at Helm's Deep. King Theoden will take his people there and a large host of orcs will meet them," she said. "These are no ordinary orc… they have been bred specifically for destruction."
"What is it you would have me do?" Haldir then asked, though he did not wish to.
"You must go in two days' time. Take part of our army. For without our aid, they will fall," Galadriel said. Haldir nodded, though he noticed a wince of pain in her eyes. She took a deep breath before she continued. "I have seen…"
Haldir felt his heart begin to pound in his chest. What had she seen? Was it Aisling? Would something befall her while he was away? He dare not speak, unsure he could bring himself to say it aloud.
"You will fall," Galadriel finally continued, her voice barely a whisper.
Haldir's eyes widened. It was not Aisling's death she had seen, but his own. Haldir staggered as he looked around. It was too soon. Far too soon. They had only been wed a few months and now he would be taken from her. His chest tightened as he struggled to breathe. It was not fear of death that now plagued him - he had long been used to its shadow as he fought to defend these lands.
He would have to leave Aisling. It was that he could not face.
"There is hope," Celeborn said. Haldir looked up at the two rulers again.
"Forgive me if I do not see it," he replied. Celeborn looked to Galadriel, who remained staring at Haldir.
"I have found a way to send her back to her world," she said.
Haldir's eyes widened as he felt his world tilt and go asken. She had found a way for Aisling to return? To a place where she would be safe. Would not see war.
"How long have you known?" he asked. Galadriel did not shy away from his look, the pain in his voice.
"For a time," she replied. "I had intended to tell you sooner, though could not find the right time. It seems it is upon us now."
Haldir nodded as he looked away, his mind at work. If she had found a way to safely bear Aisling to her world, perhaps there was a way he could go with her. While he did not wish to shirk his duties here, he would do it if it meant they could have more time. Could continue to be together. He would gladly give up his world here to be with her.
"Haldir… where Aisling is to go… I cannot send you as well," Galadriel said, breaking through his thoughts.
He looked to her, feeling as though his heart was breaking. They would be parted to matter what he would do. But at least, she could be kept safe. Would have a chance at a new life back in her world. Even though it would be a life without him.
"You have given me much news… I must… I should speak with Aisling," he said, bowing to her.
"Yes, we understand," Galadriel said, a solemn look on her face.
Haldir then turned and left, his mind in turmoil. How did he tell Aisling this?
OOOO
Aisling grew more worried the longer Haldir was gone. He should have been back by now and she wasn't sure what was keeping him. Maybe he had gone to speak with Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel? That made sense. He probably had to brief them on something.
It was fine. He was fine. She knew he was alive. Everything was okay and it was just her mind trying to get her all worked up for nothing.
She turned to focus on the stew she had put on, wanting the food to be ready as soon as he walked in. She was kind of proud of it, to be honest, considering how distracted she had been all day.
It was about then that she heard the door open and her heart leapt. He was home. Aisling rushed out of the kitchen, a smile on her face. She then came to a stop when she saw him.
Haldir looked as though carried the world on his shoulders. A grim look was on his face as his shoulders drooped slightly. He then quickly crossed the room and took her into his arms in a fierce hug that knocked the breath from her lungs. Immediately tears sprang to her eyes. This couldn't be good.
"What's going on?" she whispered.
Haldir didn't speak, only continued to hold her.
"Please, Haldir. You're scaring me," she said.
He then backed away from her, staring deep into her eyes. She could clearly see the anguish in his own. Could feel his heartbreak. He then bent down and kissed her. Aisling felt a bit dizzy from it, the combination of the ferocity of that kiss and his emotions, which were all over the place. He then finally stopped, leaning his forehead against hers.
"Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel… they wish that I ride out for battle. Take our army to Helm's Deep to help defend it alongside the king of Rohan," he whispered. Aisling felt her heart clench in fear.
He was going away. To fight. In an actual war. He might not return.
Aisling shook her head quickly, not wanting him to go even though she knew that he didn't have a choice. If they had ordered him, he would. It was his duty, after all. He was a warrior.
"I must leave in two days," he continued. Aisling felt tears pricking at her eyes.
"I don't want you to go," she said. "Is there… can't someone else do it?"
He shook his head, more pain flooding his eyes. Oh shit. There was more. Why was there more? She couldn't take any more bad news.
"Lady Galadriel has seen… I will perish in battle," he said.
Aisling's mouth dropped open as the world seemed to stop around her and then violently begin spinning again. She took a step back, feeling lightheaded and struggling to breathe. He was going to die. Haldir was leaving in two days to go to battle and he would die.
He wouldn't be coming back. Everything they had feared was going to happen. In just a few days.
"No… no, there's gotta be a way. You… just you can't go," she said, starting to shake. She looked up at him and stepped over, taking his tunic in her hands. "I won't let you go. You have to stay here where it's safe. That way you can't die."
Haldir grimaced in pain.
"I must go," he said softly.
"No! I refuse to believe that! You have a choice!" she shouted, backing away from him. "How can you do this?! How can you agree to go knowing that you're going to die!? You can't leave me!"
Haldir looked away, his eyes filled with sorrow.
"It is my duty," he said.
"FUCK DUTY! What about your duty to me! I'm your wife! I gave up everything to stay here with you and I refuse to let you leave me!" Aisling shouted, feeling like she was about to completely lose it. But she couldn't help it.
She couldn't lose him.
"Galadriel has found a way to send you back to your world," he said softly.
Aisling's eyes widened as her mouth dropped open again. She felt her heart stop. Galadriel had found a way to send her home? When? How? Wait. If she could send her home, maybe she could send Haldir with her. They could stay together. He didn't have to die.
"You'll come with me," she stated, a bubble of hope beginning to fill her chest.
It quickly burst with the look in his eyes.
"I cannot go with you. She cannot send me as well," he said. "But you must go."
"No. I'm not going without you," she said automatically. Haldir winced and looked away, as though he expected she would say this. He then looked back to her.
"You must go, Aisling. It is not safe here," he urged.
"No. If you stay, I stay. I'm not leaving you," she said vehemently. Even if it killed her, she wasn't leaving him. "For better or for worse. I'm your wife and my place is here with you."
"War is upon us, Aisling! It will breach these borders and I will not be here to protect you!" Haldir shouted, causing her to jump slightly. He had never raised his voice at her.
He then sighed and ran his fingers through his long hair. He paced a bit before striding over to her and taking her into his arms yet again.
"I will accept my fate. But I cannot go without knowing that you will be safe," he said, smoothing her hair away from her face. "You must return to your world. There this war cannot touch you and… you can continue on… without me. I do not wish for you to remain here in your heartache. Go back to your world. Try to be happy again… for me."
Aisling's face crumpled as she shook her head. She didn't want to leave him. He had become her world. Without Haldir, what did she have left? There was no way she could be happy without him.
"I can't leave you," she whispered.
"I do not wish to be parted as well, but we have no choice," he replied before pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I will fall in battle - I have long known that this was a possibility. But I will face it without fear, knowing that you will be safe."
Aisling could only stare into his eyes, unable to speak. In that moment, every second of their time together flew through her mind. From the day he found her wandering in the forest to their journey to find Gandalf. Then arriving in Lorien. Confessing their love to each other. Getting married. Everything.
It had been a year. A year since she woke up in this strange world. A year since she had met him. And now she couldn't imagine a life without him.
Aisling closed her eyes and leaned against him, holding onto him as though her life depended on it. Could she do this? Could she go back to her world and just… pretend that none of this had happened? What would it be like? What did she even do with herself? How did she live without him?
"I do not wish to leave you… I love you, Aisling," he murmured. "But you must go where it is safe…"
She opened her eyes and looked up at him, not even bothering to wipe the tears away from her cheeks. He reached up, gently taking her face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away some of her tears.
"You are my world, my reason for living and breathing," he said softly. "And you must remain safe. Please… go where it is safe even though I cannot follow. I beg you… do this for me…"
Aisling took a deep breath and nodded. She would do this for him. But god, she really didn't want to. She felt like her heart was ripping into two.
"Okay… I'll go," she whispered. Haldir pressed his lips to hers in a tender, yet aching kiss.
Aisling wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer.
Two days. They had two days together.
She broke off the kiss as Haldir lifted her into his arms. Kissing her again, he turned, making his way to the stairs and then up. He did not need to look, had long ago learned the way. Aisling wrapped her arms around his neck, her kiss hungry and her body now literally aching for him.
Two days. Only two days.
OOOO
Aisling gripped Haldir's hand as she looked at the stricken faces of his brothers and Daella. The elleth was now weeping as Rumil looked stunned and Orophin appeared angry.
"You will leave us?" Daella asked softly. Aisling nodded, already feeling tears in her eyes. God this was hard. "So soon?"
"And you will let her go?" Orophin nearly shouted. Aisling jumped slightly, though she knew that he wasn't really angry at them.
He was angry at the situation, which Aisling understood. When she wasn't crying, she was shouting and throwing things. Still not yet ready to accept that she was leaving Middle Earth. That she was leaving Haldir.
God, she had wanted to spend the rest of her life here. With him. Have his children. And now that was being taken away. None of it was fair.
"There is no other way. Aisling will only be safe in her world," Haldir said. He glanced at her, causing her to look away.
He had asked her not to mention anything about what awaited him in the battle, fearing it would be too much for his brothers. And she was going along with it. He knew they would go into battle with him and he didn't want them to put themselves at more risk trying to stop something that was fated to happen.
Her heart clenched in pain.
He was going to die. She didn't want to think about it. What it might be like for him. The pain. She wasn't sure just how he was handling it right now. Knowing that he was going to die there. Granted, she had heard that it was a thing. When people knew they were going to die, they somehow made peace with it. She wasn't sure if it was something she could do.
"I do not accept that there is no other way," Orophin then said. He turned and stormed out of the house, causing Aisling to jump again when the door slammed behind him. She looked at Haldir, squeezing his hand again.
"He will return. When his anger has dissipated," he said softly, looking at her. Aisling looked over at Rumil and Daella.
The elf woman launched across the room and wrapped her arms around her.
"I do not wish for you to go, but I understand," she whispered. "You have become my most cherished friend."
"Same," Aisling replied. "God, I'm going to miss you." She then stepped back and looked at Rumil. He stepped over and hugged her as well.
"I am honored that I could call you my sister," he said softly. "And perhaps the Valar will see fit to bring us together again… someday."
Aisling nodded, once again unable to speak. At the moment she had a few choice words for the Valar, but she figured it was probably best to keep it to herself. He stepped back from her and looked to Haldir.
"I will see to Orophin… talk some sense into him," he said. "He will wish to say his farewells." He and Daella then left. As soon as the door shut, Aisling stopped fighting her tears and allowed them to freely fall down her cheeks.
Haldir wrapped his arms around her, holding her. He then kissed the top of her head.
"Come…"
OOOO
Haldir could not sleep. He laid there, staring at Aisling in his arms. He knew that she did not sleep as well. She moved closer to him, her arms tightening around him.
"I don't want to go," she murmured.
"I know," he replied.
"I want to stay with you," she said, looking up at him. For a moment, he was lost in her eyes, still not believing that soon, he would look into them no more.
He kissed her, willing the pain to leave him, but he knew that it would not. He would never hold her in his arms again. Feel her fea combine with his. Kiss her. Never would he see her body grow with new life. Hold their child in her arms.
Aisling shifted, pulling him closer until he could feel her warm body against every inch of his. There was pain in the kiss. Longing. But most of all, there was love.
"I'll never stop loving you," she whispered into the night, her eyes once again finding his. "I don't have it in me to love anyone else."
"And I will spend every breath from here until my last loving you," he replied. "And then will continue loving you in the afterlife." Aisling blinked, tears already filling her eyes.
"Spend the rest of tonight loving me," she said.
Haldir only nodded before capturing her lips yet again as he clung to her. He would spend this night showing her just how much he loved her and more. For he would have no other chance come morning.
OOOO
UPDATE 1.22.2021 - This is the updated chapter, and yet again, I barely changed anything. So I can write/edit decently while hungover. Go figure.
OOOO
And here was where I intended to do another steamy bonus chapter, but now you can see why I decided not to. Just couldn't do it. I was already sad about everything else and all.
Anywho, thanks for reading and following! And stick with it – we're almost there…
