***** Author's Note *****

THIS YEAR IS ALMOST OVER! Writing this, sharing with you, and reading your comments went a long way to making this year liveable for me. Thank you, and I hope you continue to enjoy. Elle & Garrus are not nearly done.


Tali wakes up grateful and much more at peace than she has been. She's going to be mourning her father for a long time, but she'll be doing it among family and on her home ship. We'll take care of her.

Garrus makes up for lost time in the morning, refusing to let me out of bed without making me cum first. I can't even pretend that I mind. Especially because we both need to get some work done after being gone all day yesterday. I spend the morning checking in with everyone while I'm sure Garrus is reacquainting himself with his favorite toy, the Thanix. EDI is chirping to him even on the elevator, something about a potential improvement to some system I don't understand, so the ship AI is encouraging his nerdiness. Again, no complaints.

I take extra time on rounds after being off the ship for so long yesterday and maybe because I'm feeling a little nostalgic about my team today. Nothing interesting happened while we were gone, which is a real relief after the way Miranda and Jack were behaving. All of them were very worried about Tali, which is sweet, and I get the idea that she's going to get coddled for a while, especially by Ken and Gabby who work so close to her. I do absolutely nothing to discourage that.

After grabbing lunch and dropping a tray off for Garrus, who won't eat if I don't, I finally check the emails Kelly is constantly telling me about. Most of them are old and not very important; Kelly has learned to tell me specifically if there's something I actually have to read. There's a message from Nalah Butler to me and Garrus including pictures of the baby's first birthday. Garrus already responded, gushing over the baby. My poor ovaries can't handle much of that.

A message from Admiral Xen of the Migrant Fleet titled 'A Pleasure to Meet You' stands out. It also gives me a bad feeling immediately, but I open it anyway.

Shepard vas Normandy,
I've been digging through the Alarei. Just wanted you to know that I did find a few things from the experiments Rael'Zorah was conducting. Had you shared them with me, humanity might have reaped the benefits. Instead, once my own experiments are complete, you and your people will watch from a distance as the Quarian people reclaim not just their homeworld but the largest synthetic army in the galaxy. Rael'Zorah's death will not have been in vain. I will complete what he started.
Cordially,
Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh

I almost laugh at 'largest synthetic army in the galaxy.' The Geth are a force, sure, but they're nothing compared to the Reapers. And they worship the Reapers! If the Quarians have any misconceptions about who they're going to need help from when the Reapers do come, they'll be resolved soon enough.

I immediately hate myself for that thought. It's been a long, frustrating, uphill battle to get anyone to listen to me - to us - about the damn Reapers, and sometimes it wears on me. But I don't want anyone to suffer when they do come, no matter what they're saying about us right now.

Just before I log out, a message comes in from Admiral Hackett. He wants me to call him immediately and in private, and I send a quick message back, promising that I'm on my way to my quarters right now. Hackett asks me for a lot - enough that the crew, and especially Garrus, comment on it often. He might take advantage of me, but he's the most highly decorated admiral in the entire Alliance Navy, and he trusts me, so I really don't mind. Especially not while working with Cerberus. But Hackett has never asked me to call him, so I'm on edge the moment I start the video call to him.

"Commander," he begins, appearing from his shoulders up i. "Thank you for your time. I'll keep this brief. We have a deep cover operative out in Batarian space. Name's doctor Amanda Kenson. Dr. Kenson recently reported that she found evidence of an imminent Reaper invasion."

And now Admiral Hackett has my full and undivided attention.

Hackett has personally supported me and our mission just as much as Anderson has. They believe me because they know me and respect me, even if the Council and the rest of Alliance leadership isn't so sure. But Hackett hasn't been able to give me any Reaper-specific missions; he actually apologized to me for that back when the Council was sending me on random Geth hunts before I died.

This is the first time Admiral Hackett has brought the Reapers up to me in an official capacity. I'm not sure if I'm excited or anxious. But I'm also not at all familiar with this operative, and Hackett knows I have a mission of my own.

"It sounds like Dr. Kenson is onto something. So why call me?"

"Just this morning, I received word that the Batarians arrested her," he tells me. "They're holding her in a secret prison outpost on terrorism charges. I need you to infiltrate the prison and get her out of there. As a favor to me...I'm asking you to go in alone."

Well, shit. This is about the last thing I expected in every way. He's not even here, not even aware of this, and I can already hear Garrus's reaction to the suggestion I break into a secret Batarian prison on my own. I'm going to need a lot more information and at least a little convincing.

"What is Dr. Kenson actually doing out there?" If the Batarians have any legitimate reason to charge her with terrorism, I am not going to rescue her. Terrorists deserve worse than prison.

"She's a deep-cover operative, Shepard. We talk only when we have to. But she was investigating a rumor of a Reaper artifact in the system. Her last report said she found it."

"I thought the Alliance was officially denying the Reaper threat. That must be some proof she found." I hope I kept at least most of the pettiness out of my voice. They couldn't send me on missions for Reaper proof, so much that they drove me to accept an offer from Cerberus when I came back, but this Amanda Kenson is allowed?

Hacket wisely chooses not to respond to my attitude and continues explaining. "Kenson's team found an artifact in Batarian space. She believes it's a Reaper device, proof that the Reapers are indeed planning to invade."

"Sovereign wasn't proof, though," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Shepard." He says my name in the way Anderson does often, like a tired father. I'm tired too though. "You know I've done what I can to support you. Why do you think anyone was looking for information on artifacts in the first place? I've known her a long time. If she says she has proof, it's worth checking out."

"What else can you tell me about the operative?" I press.

"Amanda's a top scientist and Alliance agent. She's worked in Batarian space for years. It's a deadly assignment, and she's one of the few up to the challenge." Okay, maybe I do like this Amanda person. "She and I go back pretty far, Commander. I won't let her rot away in a Batarian torture camp."

Fair enough. And if it's Reaper-related, it doesn't matter how annoyed I might be, this is something I have to look into. But alone?

"I'll make this a priority," I promise. "But why am I going alone? I have a hell of a squad with me, and they're not going to be happy about this."

"Kenson is my friend," Hackett says. It sounds almost like a confession. "If the Batarians see a squad of armed soldiers, they'll kill her. This is serious, Commander. Go in with discretion or don't go at all."

I get it. This is a rescue mission; the objective is getting Kenson out in one piece, and that's going to require going unseen, unheard, and unknown for as long as possible. That's three times as hard with three people as it would be with just one. Of course, explaining that to my extremely overprotective fiance is going to be a challenge. But I have to do this.

"I'm in. I'll take care of it."

Hackett nods. "The prison is hidden underground in a Batarian outpost on Aratoht. I'll upload the coordinates now. Once Dr. Kenson is secure, confirm her discovery. We'll debrief you when you're back. Hackett out."

We need to get on this quickly. Dr. Kenson is in prison with a hostile race holding her there; if I don't get there as soon as possible, she could end up dead. Or worse. And as much as I might be ashamed to admit it's more important, if she has honest proof of a Reaper invasion, that's more important.

Hackett used the words 'imminent invasion.' Kenson thinks the Reapers are coming now, and I need to find out why.

"Joker, did you hear any of that?"

"Uh...yeah, Commander. We're going to Aratoht?" he replies, hesitant.

"We're going to Aratoht," I confirm with a sigh. "Nothing about this is going to be fun. Where is Garrus?"

"Main Battery, but he's on a call with his dad. He knows you were on with Hackett and wants you to come down when you're done," he tells me.

Oh, good. So Garrus will be in a horrible mood when I have to tell him terrible news. That's going to make all this just so much worse. Hopefully he and his dad are having their normal arguments about his life choices - namely me - and it's not anything new for Garrus to have to digest. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

The doors open to the Main Battery, and I'm greeted with silence. For a moment, I don't think he's here at all, and then a clanging sound echoes from the back of the Battery. It's followed by a stream of curses in a language I don't speak and my translator doesn't recognize which either means it's either very old or very dirty. And then my Omni-Tool starts chiming. Garrus's face pops up on my 'Tool right before Garrus himself pops up out from around the Thanix, frowning.

"When did you get here?" he asks, ending the call while I ignore it on my end so the ringing stops.

"Around when you were hitting the equipment and doing something that sounded like swearing at it in a language I don't know."

He huffs out a laugh and runs his hand back over his fringe. "It's actually a prayer for strength from the Spirits. I'm sure it's abused in the way I was just using it but..." He shrugs. "It's kind of the only time I pray. The Spirits probably do not like me."

"Well, the Reapers don't like me, so we're quite a pair here," I tease him. I'm equal parts worried about him and whatever happened with his dad to bring on this level of frustration, and worried about me because of the news I now have to deliver to a pissed off Garrus. "What happened with your dad?"

He growls and turns away, running his hand over his fringe again. He tosses the wrench he was holding into a crate, and it lands with a violent crash. "Oh, ya know the usual. I'm a disgrace and he's coming to the Normandy."

He may as well have thrown the wrench at me considering how hard that particular bit of news hits.

"Oh. Oh, that...well, that can't be good, can it? Do you know why he's coming?" I ask, trying to keep my voice calm so that I don't add to the total freak out Garrus is already going to have about this. Not that I can blame him. This isn't how I imagined meeting my future father-in-law. "Oh, crap, do you think this is because we got engaged?"

Garrus turns back to me, opening his mouth but not saying anything. And he doesn't have to say a word. It's written all over his face.

"You haven't told your family yet. Right." Something cold and gross slips through my gut, weighing me down in an instant. I hate it.

"Hey, no, it's not like that," he breathes, reaching out and taking my hand. He pulls me close slowly, giving me a chance to pull away and letting me lean heavily against his chest. I rest my forehead against his carapace, and Garrus holds the back of my head. "I want to tell my mom and sister in person. I can't tell my sister before anyone else because she has a big mouth. We told the crew, our family; that's what matters most to me."

"It's okay," I assure him. "I know it's...complicated. I'm sorry, I don't have any business getting upset about that."

"It matters how you feel, my love. Believe me, I want them to know, too." I tilt my head back, and Garrus smiles before leaning down to kiss me gently. We both linger, his hand cupping my jaw softly, neither of us ready to break the contact. But we both know that we have to continue having this conversation. More than Garrus realizes, in fact.

"You really have no idea why he's coming?"

Garrus shakes his head. "I know my mother is starting her medical trial on the Citadel this week, and I've been calling home more often to try and push him to talk to me but...he hasn't. We haven't spoken in...weeks. He's forbidden Solana from calling - "

"Which of course she still does," I note. At least that makes him smile.

"Well, yeah, she's loyal. But she has to do it at work. And that still doesn't explain why he's coming here - all the way to the ship. He could just ask me to come back to the Citadel when my mom is there, you know?"

I just nod. I have other theories, but none of them are good, and I don't need to burden Garrus with any of that. I also don't really need to disparage his father when we haven't meant. Unless... "Garrus, you know that if he's an ass to you, I'm going to lay him out."

Garrus laughs and kisses me again, pulling me up onto my toes this time. "I'm not going to stop you. And I'm not going to promise he won't be an ass to me or to anyone else. Hopefully we can figure out what he wants and get him out of here soon. Any chance we could head back in the direction of the Citadel to get him moving in the right direction?"

"Uh, actually..." I take a breath and steady myself, setting my feet a shoulder width for a little balance. Physical, if not emotional. "You knew that I was on with Hackett, right?"

"Oh, yeah." Garrus steps back a little and leans on the console, giving me space but not totally letting go of my hand yet. I love that he wants to hold onto me - even if it's just my fingers - when he's upset or frustrated. "He sending us on another mission for the Fifth Fleet? I'm convinced he'll be lining up missions for this crew decades from now."

"You're right, but this mission is different. It's big. And it's actually relevant to our mission."

Now Garrus is completely focused, and he crosses his arms over his chest as a signal that he's in business mode. I appreciate it, but considering what I have to tell him, I really wish he was still holding my hand.

"There's an Alliance operative undercover on a Batarian planet, Aratoht. She was captured and is being held in a secret underground Batarian prison. Dr. Amanda Kenson. She found what she says is a Reaper artifact with proof of an impending invasion. The Alliance wants her out of the prison, of course, and we want that artifact even more than they do."

"Oh, wow, this is big." Garrus shakes his head, taking that in. "If we find proof, the Council won't be able to keep denying us. And the Alliance could help keep the Collectors away from those human colonies."

"Yeah, but it won't matter if it ends up with the Batarian Hegemony after they torture and murder Kenson. She needs to get out of there."

"And the Alliance going in heavy to get her out will cause an intergalactic incident."

"Exactly." It's a blessing he understands that. Even if it makes me feel a little gross knowing I'm about to use it against him. "Which is why Hackett asked me to go in and get her. Alone."

Garrus starts nodding before I finish, and then freezes so completely and so abruptly that it would be funny if it didn't feel like standing on a precipice. I don't say anything else, letting it sink it. I don't know what else I could say anyway.

After a silence that goes on long enough to choke me, Garrus finally blinks and looks at me. "He...what? He asked you to go down to a Batarian planet and stage a high-risk rescue mission from a prison alone? You know, I was just starting to think that I actually like that guy. Now I think he might get along with my father."

I force myself not to wince at that. Hackett is not at fault here.

"That's not fair." I say it cautiously, trying to avoid throwing this into the fight we're about to have. "Hackett would have the entire Fifth Fleet down there if he could, but you just said that you understand why he can't. We need silence and as much stealth as possible. If things go sideways, we need as little collateral damage as possible."

Garrus balks. "Little? You think that things going sideways where they involve you would only create a little collateral damage? Even if we're strictly talking professionally, who the hell would lead the charge against the Reapers if you were in a Batarian prison right alongside this operative? Shepard, this mission might be reckless altogether, but going alone would be foolish. He has to accept an alternative."

I take a breath and brace myself before speaking. "He's not going to. I didn't ask him to, really. I'm going."

Silence falls so heavy, so thick, I wonder for a second if the entire ship died. All the oxygen has been sucked out of the Battery; instead of the atmosphere between Garrus and I being charged and full of life, it's still and as silent as the Turian standing in front of me. I watch anger flash through his eyes and hold my breath, prepared for the explosion to come. Accepting it. I have to let my breath out eventually, and he still hasn't moved or said a word.

And then that anger morphs into something much worse. Garrus's impossibly blue eyes fill with a pain that echoes in my own chest. It's the look of someone who has been betrayed and abandoned, and I recognize it because I've seen it on him before.

He doesn't manage to hide or squash it, even as he straightens up. "So you came here to inform me of the mission and nothing more. Understood, Commander. Excuse me."

Leaving the professional brush-off in his wake, Garrus marches out of the Main Battery. I watch his retreating back until the doors of the Battery close automatically, and then it hits me in a rush. I'm knocked down onto his cot by the force of his abrupt departure.

I was expecting a fight. I could have handled a fight. But this...I don't know what to do with this.

I have to fix this, but I also have to complete this mission. We need to rescue that operative, and we need to get the artifact she found. Putting my career first cost me Garrus once. I've promised both of us that I won't let that happen again, and that's a promise I intend to keep even now.

I go after him.


I have to hope Garrus is upstairs because that means we have a chance to talk before reaching Aratoht tomorrow. If he's hiding from me, he's going to need more time, and that means longer with him angry while we're barreling toward a bad mission.

Monster greets me in the hall outside our quarters when I step off the elevator, and I hold the door to the elevator open to let him on. "I hope you're not abandoning your dad. Actually, I hope he's not kicking you out. Just go find your aunts and behave."
The kitten chirps at me, and I have no doubt he understands.

I brace myself before walking into our quarters. I could find a Turian enraged, pacing the room and ready to throw things. I could find Garrus back in the darkness, terrified and alone. Knowing Garrus, I could also find him turned on and eager to punish me. I know where my vote lies, even if it's probably the one that makes me the most anxious, too.

Instead of any of those, I find him sitting at the end of our bed, his feet bare and planted at shoulder width. I notice his belt sitting on the bed beside him, and my mouth goes dry, but I'm most focused on the visor in his hands. He never takes it off unless we're having sex or sleeping and even then, I almost always have to take it off of him or at least remind him.

I cross the room silently and sit beside him, watching his thumb graze over the names engraved on the arm of the visor. His dog tags - well, mine - are sitting outside his shirt, but that doesn't surprise me; it's like a safety blanket for him. But I have no idea what the visor and the tags in combination like this means.

"You're going to wear my visor on Aratoht," Garrus informs me. "I'll teach you how to use it, and we'll practice before we land. I'm going to connect the feed to the ship so I can see everything, and we can talk. I won't..." He exhales hard. "I won't fight you on it or try to stop you, but I need this from you."

"Of course," I agree immediately. "That's...I think it's a really good idea. I don't want to be down there without you, Garrus. This will make me feel a lot safer."

"Don't patronize me."

"Hey. Have I ever?"

He takes another breath and then shakes his head. "No, I...I'm sorry." He puts his hand on my lap, palm up, and I accept it, tangling our fingers. "I don't like this. And I don't give a fuck about loyalty to the Alliance; as far as I'm concerned, they betrayed you when you died, and I will never forgive that. But I know why you're loyal to Hackett, and I know that this is about the Reaper mission."

"It is about the Reaper mission, even more than Hackett. And someone's life is in danger, Garrus, you know I have to help."

"Sometimes I wish you weren't so good a person," he confesses, shaking his head a little. I laugh, relieved that this conversation is going very differently than I thought it would, and resting my head on his shoulder. Garrus shifts to wrap his arms around me and uses the hold to pull me onto his lap, resting his forehead on my shoulder. "I'm not going to like this. But I respect you, and I have your six however I can. Can that be enough?"

"It's more than enough," I promise, hugging him around the shoulders and kissing his forehead. "I don't want to leave you, Garrus. I have every intention of coming home, and we'll only be better prepared to take on the Reapers. I love you."

"I love you, too," he breathes. He winces and adds, "So much." I kiss his forehead again, and Garrus lifts his head to catch my mouth for another kiss. A hot spark rushes down my spine when his tongue slips along my bottom lip. "What do you need to be doing right now?"

"Nothing but you."

"Good answer. Stand."

It's an order, and I don't hesitate to follow it. My eyes move back to his belt immediately, until Garrus shifts to unzip his pants. "You made me a promise after Grunt to start talking to me before making decisions like this, but you promised Hackett without saying a word to me." Garrus looks up at me, impossibly blue eyes piercing. "What do you think you deserve for breaking a promise to me?"

"Not you," I answer honestly, meeting his gaze.

"Don't make me add shit talking yourself to the punishment, kid," he warns, voice dropping into his dangerous register. He lifts the belt, making sure I see it. "Tell me how many you think you deserve. You will get spanked no less than the number of times you suggest, but if I think it's too low, I'll double it."

A shudder rocks through my entire body, my breath slipping from my lungs as my mouth goes dry.

"Wait," he warns before I can even begin to think of an answer. "Go get the plug and the lube from the drawer. Think about it on the way back to me."

Holy...

Garrus waits, just staring at me. I know that he'll wait me out forever just as well as he knows that if I didn't want this, I would have said no already. I'm pretty sure he's upping the ante today strategically, knowing that I'm stressed out about his father and about tomorrow. He's giving me an opportunity to let all of that go while also making sure we both understand I shouldn't have made this agreement with Hackett without Garrus.

And he's right. It has nothing to do with my role as commander and everything to do with my place as his partner.

I want to prove to him that I understand and that I'm sorry for it, but I also want to relieve some of the weight on my shoulders even if it's just for a little while. Tomorrow, I am heading into one of my nightmares, back to captivity. I know what being in a cage is like, and I have to get Dr. Amanda Kenson out of hers. And if I fail, we'll never know what she found that makes her sure the Reapers are coming. I cannot fail, and I cannot get help, no matter how badly this particular mission makes me want to curl up in a ball.
The only thing that could lift this stress is Garrus when he slips into his role of my Dom. And so I move quickly to the table at my side of the bed, pull out the little black plug and the bottle of lube, then return to start between his legs.

"Thank you," he replies, accepting both. He stands, forcing me to take a step back, and pulls his shirt off. I let my gaze trail the tattoos exploding over his carapace and then down his abs. "How many?"

My gaze snaps back up to his. I want to yank his pants down, I want to tear off all my clothes, but I won't do any of that until I get his okay. I have to clear my throat to find my voice. "I broke a promise by telling Hackett I would go without talking to you first. But the rules are communication with words and honesty about how I feel. So...since I didn't technically break a rule...six."

Garrus considers it for a moment, but I see his grin immediately and know I made the right call. He nods. "Very fair. Good girl. Now go over to the desk, pull your pants down but don't take them off, and bend over."

There's no hesitation this time. It takes all my control not to run across the room, but I still walk quickly and bend over. I might even wiggle a little for his benefit. Garrus follows, running his hand up my spine with an appreciative growl. I can feel my thighs growing wet, heat sparking across my skin in anticipation with my biotics tingling under the surface.

I hear him pop open the lid to the lube but I can't see or feel his hands. I know he's getting the plug ready, but I still jump when it presses against my ass. "Mmm, easy. After you get spanked, I'm going to take you hard and fast. I don't want you to cum. If you can wait, I'll let you cum when I take the plug out later." He leans over my back and whispers near my ear, "I promise I'll make it worth it."

Normally, nothing frustrates me more than when he makes me wait. And few things get me as hot as Garrus spanking me, really. He's aware that this is torture. But that promise is enough to get me drooling.

Garrus slips the plug snugly into my ass, the fit firm and tight and intrusive but not nearly as uncomfortable as it used to be. It's even more pleasurable now than it used to be, too. "Elbows to palms, flat. Count."

There's no pause between the order and the sharp, hot sting of leather across my ass. It's different from his hand, and I don't think that's just because it's harder. The heavy, solid leather makes the pain feel deeper than when he just uses his hand. It's better and worse all at the same time, and it makes me curious what other things might feel like when used this way. What the hell has he done to me?

Garrus brings the belt down after each time I count, giving me a little longer than usual between swats and rubbing his hand gently to soothe the sting after the third. But he doesn't let up or let me off the hook, and I appreciate it because also by the third, my headspace has completely shifted. I lose the ship, the mission, all the stress, absolutely everything riding on my shoulders. Nothing exists beyond me and Garrus, this punishment, and the promises of what's to come.

I lose myself in the moment and the mindset. All I am is Garrus's perfect little slut.

"Six," comes out in a breathy half-sob. Tears are pouring down my face, my ass and the top of my thighs are ringing, my legs are screaming at me to fall down, and my clit is throbbing with need.

Garrus snarls as he strokes inside me, filling me so hard that his plates hitting my ass is like a seventh slap. "That's my girl," he purrs. And then all the pain erupts in pleasurable waves, nearly sending me over the edge before he ever moves inside me. "Don't cum, baby, hold out." I can tell he wants it to be an order, but his voice is full of affection, and his hands are gentle when they coast up my back to take my shoulders.

He strokes into me again, the impact of his hips on my ass searing my skin. I can't help the yelp that escapes me, and Garrus freezes. "It's okay," I breathe. The last thing I want is for him to stop.

"Hush." Garrus pulls out and takes hold of my hair. Before I can object any further, he pulls me away from the desk and guides me onto my knees. "Hands behind your back; I'm still taking you hard and fast."

The moment I'm in position, Garrus does just that. And even while he's fucking my throat and drool is pooling at the corners of my mouth and my eyes are watering, gratitude swells in my chest when I look up at him. He knew I was in a different kind of pain than either of us wanted, and he immediately fixed it. Even on my knees, my legs are getting relief, and the cool air across my ass is soothing even if the plug is awkward. And I still get the total joy of Garrus losing himself in me, my name erupting from his throat as he fills my mouth.

I'm still trying to catch my breath and swallow as much as I can when Garrus opens his eyes and looks down at me, his expression almost unbearably fond. "Spirits, Shepard. You look incredible." He sweeps his own cum off my bottom lip and offers it to me, letting me lick it from his finger, and then tugging my earlobe fondly. "Come here," he breathes, leaning down to help me up.

Garrus leads me to the bed and pulls out a bottle of water along with that cooling lotion. He opens the water, pushes it into my hand, and then turns me to face away from him while he sits on the bed. I take small sips because I know I'm supposed to and it helps, but I don't feel the crash coming. The lotion even makes me smile, his hands caressing me gently.

"I'm okay," I tell him, certain that he's anticipating the crash too. Normally by now I'd be crying at best if not full on sobbing in his arms.

"I still want you to go slow," he breathes, pulling me carefully onto his lap when he finishes. I nod and let my head fall against his shoulder. "Plug feel okay?"

"Weird as ever," I quip. He laughs and nuzzles the side of my head. "I'm not crashing. Is it weird that I think that's because I really needed this even more than usual? I was...so stressed out. I feel a lot better now."

"Me, too," Garrus breathes, squeezing me closer. "I needed that. I needed you."

I look at him. "You're still freaking out about tomorrow and Aratoht."

"I'll be freaking out about tomorrow and Aratoht until you come back from Aratoht safely, Shepard, that can't be helped. Bonding isn't always a good thing."

My shoulders fall, a weight falling onto me again. "That's probably especially true when you're bonded to someone who can't seem to help finding missions that involve walking into and through hell."

"Hey." He takes my chin in his hand to pull me to look at him. "You asked me before if I would take it back if I could. Baby, not even if I had to live through the hell of those two years on Omega all over again. Being bonded to you is the best thing that ever happened to me, no matter what else has happened."

"We're on a risky mission, and if something happens, you - "

"If something happens to you, I will be wrecked," he agrees before I even have to say that. "I can't sugarcoat it, and I'm not going to lie to you. And you can be damn sure I'm not going to roll over and take it; I'll do everything I can to protect you. But why do you think I'm planning a future with you, Shepard? If I was worried about our bond, that wouldn't be possible. You understand?"

I only realize that I started crying when I nod. Garrus smiles softly and wipes the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs, then pulls me close enough to lean his forehead against mine. "I don't want to hurt you. And obviously, I don't want to get hurt or die."

"Oh, good," he laughs, rolling his eyes at me. "Now I can rest easily."

A giggle escapes me, and I don't even hate that sound anymore. It used to embarass me, doing something so...I don't know, maybe girly? Innocent. Not soldier-like at least. None of the guys in N7 training had an inclination to giggle. But Garrus brings it out of me with absolute joy. He's made me feel secure even if I am girly and innocent in a way that none of my promotions, special training, and military skills ever could. So I giggle, and it makes his smile even wider.

He sighs though and checks his Omni-Tool. "My dad's going to be here soon because of course he gave me next to no warning. We should shower. And we need to set an alarm so I can take that plug out in a little while."

"Wait. Please tell me you're not thinking about making me meet your father with a plug in my ass."

Garrus grins and stands, holding me in his arms and kissing me soundly. His smile when he pulls away tells me everything I need to know and sets my heart to racing. "You know what to say if you want out of it, my love. But you and I both know you like the challenge. And you'll love what happens when it comes out. Besides...I think you'll want the distraction."

"Meaning you want me off focus so I miss at least some of the horrible things he says," I note, letting Garrus carry me into the shower. "Should I take my ring off or something? I mean, if you want to be able to tell your mom and not have your dad explode on the ship."

Garrus laughs, putting me down on the sink while he turns on the water. "Engagement rings are a human tradition; he won't recognize or understand it. But, uh..." He offers a hand to help me off the sink and pulls me under the hot stream into his arms. He runs a hand over his fringe, making me nervous all over again. "He will know I bonded to you. Probably pretty immediately. And..."

"And he's not going to like that at all," I finish, eyeing him. "You didn't think you should warn me about that earlier?"

"When you were giving me all that warning about Aratoht?" he counters, reaching past me for my shampoo and his soap. "I'm giving you as much warning as I could; I told you right after speaking to him."

"I..." Whatever had been building in my chest, maybe anticipation of a fight, deflates. "I know that. Of course you did, I'm sorry. I...I don't know why I snapped about that, really."

Garrus takes a breath and pulls me closer. "We're both stressed. It's not like we don't have a lot going on."

"Your dad really should be the least of our worries, all things considered," I note with a laugh. "But he's also kind of the wild card. We can fight the Reapers, not so much your dad."

"I'd love to see you fight my dad, if I'm being honest. Guarantee you lay him out flay in minutes."

I laugh and roll my eyes at him. "Maybe not the first time we meet, but I'm not ruling it out completely." Especially if he's as mean to Garrus as Garrus has always made him sound. I really hope I don't end up fighting his father. I also don't want to end up fighting Garrus.

We each start washing ourselves, and I can't keep my eyes off him. That's not abnormal, he's outrageously sexy, but that's not what my mind is on today. We fight together, live together, we're best friends, and he's my partner. When stress gets bad, we're probably going to lash out at each other, and if the start of our lives together is any inclination for the future, there is a lot of stress ahead.

"Garrus, I don't ever want serving together to end up pulling us apart," I tell him. Garrus freezes and gives me a look, probably startled by how sudden that must seem to him. "I just...I love serving with you. You know I need you on my team. But when it gets hard..."

"Hey." Garrus brushes a wet curl behind my ear and tugs the lobe as his hand falls away. "Nothing is going to pull us apart. We would both go nuts if we couldn't know what was happening with the other during a mission. This is my father stressing us, not the mission. And believe me, it's a talent of his."

I laugh and lean against him, letting my forehead fall against his chest. He runs his hands up my spine and then into my hair, pulling gently to tilt my head back. When he kisses me, it's soft and slow. He doesn't touch or kiss me anywhere else, and I only hold his carapace to keep myself on my feet. We part just as slowly and only because we have to, then quickly get dressed again. I wonder if anyone will notice we've showered in the middle of the day and pull my hair up so it's not as obviously wet. Besides, it's not like Garrus and I haven't been caught making out around the ship. I'm fairly certain Kelly would have watched him feel me up longer if we hadn't heard her. I'm not all that sorry I can't keep my hands off the guy. He's mine, after all.

I choose N7 gear when getting dressed, avoiding anything with a Cerberus logo. I could go for no logo instead, but part of me wants to remind the guy that I'm not a chump. I'm the first and only woman ever to earn N7 status for the Alliance and the first human Spectre. The guy has a lot of problems with me without even meeting me, but I won't let him forget who I am. Especially not when I know how proud Garrus is of me.

As we reach the CIC and step off, an alarm that I don't recognize goes off and startles me. "EDI what the hell is that?" I demand of the AI.

"System failure," she announces.

My stomach flops, but Garrus confidently asks, "Where? Get Tali, Ken, and Gabby on the comms."

Suddenly, there's a rapidfire exchange of information that may as well be in another language over the comms. I hear something about an overload and the Main Battery just before Garrus steps back into the elevator. "Wait, what - "

"General Vakarian's shuttle just arrived," Joker warns, piling onto the feeling of dread building in my chest.

"Shit. Shepard, I need to check this out from the Battery," Garrus explains, reaching for my hand and squeezing my fingers. It pulls me out of the weird haze and back into reality when he's leaving me to greet his father alone. I can tell Garrus hates it, and he almost starts out of the elevator again, but then the alarm sounds again.

"Garrus, now!" Tali calls over the comms.

"It's okay," I assure him, getting my shit together in an instant. He's needed elsewhere on the ship, and I've handled worse than his father. "Go deal with that and then meet us when you can. I can go get your father and almost guarantee we'll both survive it."

Garrus laughs but nods and steps back into the elevator, dropping my hand. "When he goads you, just remember I love you." It's exactly the boost I need before the doors shut, and I hear a different chime signaling that the shuttle is docked and ready.

Castis Vakarian is here.

I haul ass through the CIC so he's not left waiting at the airlock, and Joker is turned around in his seat to watch cautiously instead of actually turning his seat around. "You have to be polite, Joker, start getting your ass up now," I warn him, heading through the airlock. "Go ahead and open the doors, EDI."

Moments later, I have to blink when I find myself staring at what looks almost exactly like a clone of my Vakarian. It's a very weird leap into the future. If Castis had a set of serious scars, eyes a little more impossibly blue, and a few years less on his plates, he could be Garrus's twin instead of his father. And if this is a glimpse into my future, I have a lot to look forward to.

Minus the scowl. That scowl doesn't look at all like Garrus, and I could really do without it.

"General Vakarian," I greet him, stepping forward and holding out a hand so he can take my forearm. "Commander Shepard. It's a pleasure."

"We both know it isn't," he counters, tone flat and dry. He also doesn't even bother to glance at my hand, so I drop it. I should have seen that coming. "I assumed my son would come greet me."

"He's assisting our engineering crew in managing a small emergency. He should join us shortly."

Castis scoffs. "Surprised he didn't duck and run again. Maybe another two years in hiding."

My fists clench instinctively, a need to defend him bubbling up, but before I can say a word, someone else says, "Dad! Don't start already please." Another Turian pops up beside Castis, grinning. Her plates are a soft pearl color, her eyes a golden brown, but the family resemblance is still strong - even if she didn't have those striking cobalt blue markings. Solana Vakarian. "And don't be rude to her. Spirits, you're even prettier than he said!" she chirps, nudging her father aside to stand in front of me.

"Oh, um...thank you," I fumble unsure how to take that other than to laugh a little. "Garrus talks about you all the time, I feel like I'd recognize you anywhere."

"I'm sure most of what he said was a lie," she quips. I laugh and extend my hand to her, hoping for better results this time, but Solana pushes my hand aside and then yanks me into a hug. She's a head taller than me but still significantly shorter than her brother, and she can hug just as tight. "You have no idea how excited I am to meet you."

I return the hug, grateful for her. Even Castis scowling at us can't bother me. Garrus said that his sister manages to light up rooms, and I see what he meant.

"I'm sure you're even more excited to see your brother," I note as we part. "He'll be with us soon. Can I show you both around until he catches up?"

Castis just grunts, but Solana agrees with a smile. She tucks her arm through her father's to pull him along, following me. I start at the closest attraction, the cockpit and our grumpy as hell pilot. He's at least pulled himself out of the chair and greets both of them politely. Solana is engaging right off the bat, interested in EDI and the design of the ship; Joker cools his temper enough to tell a cheesy choke, and Solana is either polite enough to laugh or she might just belong around here as well as her brother does. Castis remains silent, and I choose to believe that's for the best.

He becomes slightly more animated in the CIC, probably appreciating that it's familiar to Turian ships, but I hope he might be a little impressed, too. Kelly's face falls when he doesn't spare her a glance during introductions, but it's Solana to the rescue again. She can be just as bubbly as the yeoman, and I didn't know that trait was possible in Turians. I show them the Armory, Jacob not present, and then the comm room.

"Cerberus is funding your ship, your mission, is that correct?" Castis asks.

I was prepared for the question and the tone that comes with it eventually, so I think I manage to hold myself back from going tense. "Yes, they are. The Council and the Alliance refused to take the Reaper threat seriously and aren't intervening to protect the human colonies that the Collectors are targeting."

"The colonies that aren't in Citadel space?" he replies, tucking his hands behind his back and staring me down. I can tell from his expression that this usually works. It reminds people of who they're talking to and how important he is.

But Castis is from a species that doesn't treat women as anything less than equals with the same rights and expectations as everyone else. He doesn't realize that he's speaking to someone who has been expected to fold to men when they put on this power stance for their entire military career, more than a decade. He's sorely mistaken if he believes I have any compulsion to cower or submit.

There's exactly one man I submit to, and he isn't in this room.

"The colonies that left Citadel space because the Alliance consistently chooses not to recognize colony rights. I'm sure you know something about how that usually ends up, General Vakarian."

I watch the jab about Turian failures and previous wars hit home, and Solana fails to cover a laugh behind a cough. Her father shoots her a glare, but before she has to defend herseful or backpaddle, the doors whoosh open.

I'm kind of relieved that Garrus walking into a room is the same even if he's father is in that room and Garrus doesn't want to be in it. The air sparks to life in an instant, and I can feel him, even before I turn to look. I don't have to look to know he's the one who walked in or that his eyes fall on me immediately - though I turn to see that just because I can't help it. Impossibly blue eyes grace me for a second before moving to his sister, and I watch Garrus's entire body light up.

"Baby Sol," he breathes, obviously as surprised by her presence here as I was. She squeals and dashes across the room, leaping into her brother and throwing her arms around his neck. Garrus catches Solana, almost small compared to him, and lifts her feet off the floor. "I didn't know you were coming."

"How could I not?!" she replies. Garrus lets her down again but they only pull away to bring their foreheads together. I watch Garrus close his eyes and take a deep breath, pulling in his sister. I get it now, what he said about her being the light of his life. I can see it.

By the time they part, my cheeks are hurting from the smile stretching my face. The ache is a good memory of the smile that slips almost immediately when Garrus turns to greet his father. Neither of them moves any closer to the other, leaving almost the whole room between them. There's a tension I can feel in the air now too, a coldness coming from both of them.

It makes me feel gross. I know that Garrus has reason to be at odds with his dad, and I know that it's not really any of my business no matter what my relationship with Garrus is. But I remember being a teenager and constantly fighting with my parents...and then they were gone. I'd give anything to have them back. Especially now that my life is evolving.

Beyond the Reapers, after we win - and we will - I'm going to have a family of my own...and they'll never know my parents, my brother. If Garrus and his father continue to drift apart, the rift between them now keeps growing, I'm worried that our family won't have his either.

"Dad. Sorry I couldn't meet you both at the shuttle," Garrus offers, coming to me instead of his father.

"Everything okay?" I ask, remembering the alarms only then. I trust the engineering team and Garrus to handle enough that I don't worry about much once they're managing a problem.

Garrus gives me a cocky look and grins when I roll my eyes. He kisses my lips and then nips my throat lightly, holding me close. I knew he'd be open in front of his father, but it still surprises me that he's so obvious. It's a good surprise though, even when I can feel his father's scowl. Catching Solana's smile instead when I look up helps.

"How much of the ship have you had a chance to see so far?" he asks his family.

"We aren't here for a tour of the facilities," Castis snarks.

"And how should I know that?" Garrus retorts. "You haven't seen it fit to tell me why you're here at all."

I squeeze Garrus a little tighter around the waist, trying to ground and maybe warn him. I don't want him to start a fight...though I won't stop him from finishing one.

"Mom is starting her treatments this week," Solana tells us, giving her father a warning look that she doesn't try to hide. And I can see it's effective from here, even without knowing either of them well at all. "The Salarians wanted to do the first round on the Citadel, just in case, and then she can transfer back home so long as it goes well. And Mom wants to see you. Both of you!" She's eying Castis even while talking to us.

I look at him, too. From what I understand, he was pretty clear about Garrus not darkening the family doorstep for the time being. But he's here when he could have just chosen not to see Garrus, not to even let Garrus know that the family is on the Citadel. Maybe Garrus's mom going in for treatment is the push Castis needed since Garrus pushing and begging for weeks hasn't been enough.

"I'm here to determine whether or not that's a good idea," Castis informs us, crossing his arms over his chest. It's hard to believe he hasn't already made a decision about that.

"Professor Mordin Solus had a big role in getting Mom into that study," Garrus says, squeezing my shoulder as he keeps my secret. His family basically knows and put Garrus onto the secret first, but I don't need it confirmed. "He works in the Tech Lab next door. You should make a point of seeing him."

"And I will," Castis agrees with a nod, eyeing me. He pauses, probably waiting for us to confess or for me to ask for gratitude; he's going to be waiting for a long time. "I also want to hear more about this Reaper threat and the Collectors. Your sister has shared what you told her, but I'd like to hear it for myself."

That one surprises me. I can feel the same surprise in Garrus, but I know that he's just as eager about it as I am, too. General Castis Vakarian is not exactly small potatoes - not on Palaven, with the Turian Hierarchy, or with C-Sec and the Council. He's got an outstanding military record and reputation and is widely respected. It usually serves Garrus only in the form of pressure, but if we can get him talking about the Reapers on our behalf, we might actually make progress. And getting Palaven's military might behind us could be tremendous.

One glance at Garrus tells me he's thinking the same. His father coming here may end up being a good thing for our mission.


One of my earliest memories of my father was during a race that he set me on against my older brother, Ephram. He's only three years older than me, as opposed to Dex's ten years, so we were almost constantly competing against each other. My father stoked and encouraged that competition into a rivalry that divided us; I've barely spoken to him at all in almost two decades, even though we were in school and served together for some of that.

During that race when I was four, my father set up an obstacle course that I was too small to use. Ephram could jump over the barriers, and I could barely climb them. Needless to say, I fell behind pretty quickly. I remember being really upset about how unfair the race was, that I was never going to have a chance. My father told me that I shouldn't expect the galaxy to be fair to me and that I would have to be the best at whatever if I did if I ever wanted a chance. And then he beat me for losing.

Ephram was allowed to watch the beating, and he laughed. I still haven't forgiven him for that.

I never talk to my father about my life, about my job or my missions. I didn't tell him about my early selection into sniper training while I was in military school; Saren told him, and my father's response was that it was probably for the best because snipers didn't have to lead. I didn't tell him when I was promoted to lead an investigation unit for C-Sec, and when he found out from Chellick, he never bothered to say anything to me about it. He's never been proud of me, never even approved of me.

So when he asks to hear about the Reaper mission, I can tell that Shepard is excited for the opportunity to get someone with pull on our side - probably especially someone with a powerful military at home. But I assume it's going to go poorly. I assume that because of my involvement, my father won't take it seriously and he'll find some way to degrade all the work we've done.

The difference that I forgot or failed to account for is Shepard.

The woman is exceptional. She presents all the data, evidence, and details that we have on the Reapers - Saren, the Geth, the Collectors, even the Krogan involvement that we've seen so far. She can't help but be passionate about the case; this is personal for all of us. But she's as compelling and charming as always. It feels impossible not to believe in something when Shepard is telling you about it. And my father, for all of his walls and stoicism and strength, is not immune to her.

He believes her. He believes us, and he understands the enemy facing all of us, the pressure on our shoulders, and the importance of what we're doing. He doesn't address me about it directly - Krogan aren't flying yet - but my father admits that he understands why we need to be on this mission. Why I need to be on this mission. I'm sure he still has concerns and questions and colorfully abusive language about the last two years, but for now and at least about this one thing...my father and I are on the same page.

I should have known that if anyone was capable of pulling that off, it's Shepard. She's never gone a single day without surprising, impressing, or amazing me.

And tomorrow...I'm sending her off to a hostile planet alone. The only thing I really have to hold onto, the only stabilizing effect on my sanity and my heart with the Normandy rapidly approaching Aratoht, is Shepard's promise to wear my visor and accept training with it.

This visor will not only connect me with Shepard the entire time she's planetside, but it'll make me feel at least a little more convinced she'll be safe. One more tool can't hurt.

"Don't worry about the biofeedback features for other people," I tell her when we get down to the Cargo Bay for training in the simulators, adjusting the strap so that it'll fit more securely on her head. "I'll keep the feature on for your own bio stats, and I'm going to be reading those from the ship, but you shouldn't need to read for anyone else."

"You just don't want me to have one of your superpowers," she teases, green eyes glittering up at me. I narrow my eyes at her, which makes her giggle, and I have to fight my own smile off my face. "Where are you going to have all the feedback from the visor coming to the ship?"

"I'm connecting it to EDI, so technically anywhere on the ship."

Shepard looks over her shoulder to where the team is watching. She scans the whole ground squad. "Don't let him watch alone. I'm holding all of you responsible for that."

"Like any of us is going to be able to look away either," Tali replies with a scoff.

"Letting my battlemaster go to war alone goes against all my instinct," Grunt informs her, already rocking between his feet like he's ready to explode.

"See?" I chime in, poking Shepard in the waist even though she can't feel it through her armor. "I'm not the only member of your team on edge about this. That has to be proof I'm not overreacting."

"Yeah, you're not known for overreacting when it comes to me," Shepard snarks, rolling her eyes. I recognize the laugh from behind me as my sister's and throw a very rude signal over my shoulder. Shepard throws her head back and laughs. So glad she's making connections with my sister. "I don't need any of you overreacting about this," Shepard tells the team, pulling her commander mask back on. "We need whatever proof of the Reaper invasion we can get."

"And it won't be the first time you survived a mission on your own," Jacob notes.

"Exactly!" Shepard agrees pointing at him. "I promise this entire Batarian force doesn't measure up to that one thresher maw."

Thinking about that doesn't really make me feel any better - I'd rather not be reminded of how many times Shepard could have died before I ever met her - but it seems to relax the crew a bit. They're all well aware that we follow a hero and the most capable soldier in the galaxy, whether or not that hero wants to be recognized as such.

But none of the crew is bonded to Shepard so they have no idea what I'm going through. Or how much worse it's going to get tomorrow.

I get Shepard set into the visor and then walk her through some of the basic controls - the things that will help her aim, let her identify targets before she could see or hear them, thermal imaging and the like. Shepard is a quick learner, as always, so I set her up in a simulator with some of the crew. I start with Thane, our other squad sniper even if he doesn't get to show off often, so that Shepard has someone as a measuring post. I like to think she won't be getting into close-quarters battles alone, so I need her to be as prepared as possible to use her sniper rifle.

I watch from the sidelines with the crew, some of them moving off for other simulators or to spar for a distraction. Solana joins me immediately, along with Tali and Jack who also can't take their eyes off of Shepard at the moment. Jack might be watching me instead, and I don't want to think about that right now.

When my father approaches, his arms crossed over his chest, Solana takes my hand and leans heavily against my side. I catch Jack's eyes and give her a warning look; I do not need her fighting with my dad tonight.

"I didn't realize Shepard was experienced with a sniper rifle," Tali notes. "She never uses it."

"That's because I'm always on the ground with her, but she got a sharpshooter certification during N7 training. It's not her favorite, but she knows what she's doing with it."

Jack laughs. "She barely needs you around at all, huh?"

I push her face away, making my baby sister giggle. I love Solana being here, getting to know the crew and getting to see me as part of them. I squeeze her hand and then release it to wrap my arm around her shoulders. It's been years since I was able to hold her but she feels and smells exactly as I remember, exactly like home. It's soothing as hell, and I'm not ashamed to hold her closer.

Shepard makes a great shot that Thane barely hit, and I smile when the two of them laugh while she teases him lightly for it. I can't help but glance at my dad, curious if he saw the shot and if he's impressed. He should be, but whether or not he's going to admit that is a different story. He's a proud and stubborn man. I choose to believe I'm nothing like him.

"Good shot, isn't she, Dad?" Solana asks, evidently reading my mind.

"Hmm. I wouldn't expect any less, given her reputation."

I close my eyes briefly instead of rolling them. Or smacking him. Solana squeezes me closer. At least he's not denying that he's heard of Shepard and what she's done. He can be pretty oblivious to anything outside Palaven and Turians, extending that bubble only to C-Sec and the Council, so it's significant in a way. Small victories with this man.

When I'm satisfied that Shepard has mastered the features of the visor and looks comfortable with her sniper rifle, I move her on to make sure she can read her own biostats and control the visor's features on the go. She's letting me make the calls, and I'm sure that's her effort to placate me, but I'm not going to complain. Especially because it's working.

Samara and Jack are on the line next, testing Shepard's defensive and offensive preparations. I won't let this training go on long enough to exhaust Shepard, and I'm sure Samara is already planning on leading Shepard in some meditation after, but Shepard's biotics could be the big difference between her skills and those of the Batarians. We'll need to balance getting her ready and getting her drained with this, though.

It's impossible to keep my eyes off her. Shepard is a force, her movements fluid and graceful no matter how she's moving or what her attackers - real, simulated, or practice - are doing. She anticipates moves perfectly and is consistently a step ahead. Of course, I have personal experience with that one, the fiesty little redhead keeping me on my toes. Fighting by her side is always impressive, but I don't often get the opportunity to watch her this way. It really is only easing my anxiety a little, though. I care too much for this to be easy even if I know it's necessary and believe in her completely.

"You're gonna have a heart attack before she gets back on board tomorrow," Solana notes, frowning up at me. I know it's concern and not judgment but I wish she wouldn't say things like that in front of my father, the man who considers any emotion a weakness.

"I'll be fine." So long as she does get back on board tomorrow.

"You are unusually on edge," my father muses. I can feel his gaze on me, probably examining the scars on the side of my face. Those scars and the color of our eyes are the only things physically we don't have in common. Well, that and I've been taller than him since I was sixteen. Much to his chagrin. "Do you not have faith in the abilities of your commander?"

My fists clench, and I have to breathe deeply through my nose to keep from shouting. "You know that I do. You also know that I care deeply for her."

He just makes a thoughtful noise, and I refuse to look at him now. It won't take much for him to realize the truth about my relationship with Shepard; he's going to recognize the pheromones of a bonded Turian if I don't keep control of myself. I don't need to guess how that will go if he figures it out. In his eyes, it will prove every weakness he's ever suspected in me.

Grunt has joined the sparring match, testing Shepard's barriers. He spots her weak spot seconds after I do, and the hit that he launches is hard enough to lift Shepard several feet off the ground before she comes back down hard. All the air is knocked out of my lungs at the sight of a massive, deadly Krogan standard over Shepard while she's on all fours and without a shield. My heart hasn't even restarted before Shepard makes the next move though, sweeping Grunts legs out with a biotic blast and then trapping him in a stasis field. Perfect.

I've barely managed to breathe again when I hear my father breathe, "No." His tone is hard, stricken...he knows. "You bonded with her?" he demands, the boom in his voice echoing off the walls in the Cargo Bay and straight through my core. Ice flows heavy in its wake, the same horrified reaction he's always been able to trigger in me.

Everyone heard him; it would have been impossible not to. My eyes dart to Shepard who is staring right back at me, open mouthed and frozen. She has no idea what to do right now, and I don't have answers for her. I know I'm not going to let my father blow up about this in front of her, though. Spirits only knows what he'll say.

"Can we discuss this in private?" I ask in a tone that should make it clear I'm not asking. Without waiting for his response and without looking at him, I head for the elevator. My father is bound to have some opinions about Shepard that I don't need her to hear; the close-minded and old fashioned opinions of Castis Vakarian should never have space in Shepard's head. Whatever he says about me, I can handle.

I take him to the Main Battery after briefly considering our quarters. Something about letting him disparage our relationship in the space Shepard and I have made sacred, the space where Shepard submits to me, feels dirty. Although I do sort of want Monster to freak him out a little.

Once the doors shut behind him, I realize I have no idea what to say. No plan, no ideas. I hadn't intended to have this conversation now with him. Maybe not ever. I wanted to tell my mom about my bond with Shepard, about her promise to marry me. If my father happened to be there in that fantasy, fine, but I wasn't going out of my way to share good news with someone who would stomp all over it. Although looking at him now, I suspect it's me he'd like to stomp on.

"Do you have a cigarette?" he blurts after several moments of awkward, tense silence between us.

I almost laugh. Not what I was expecting.

"Yeah. Didn't know you smoked." I grab the pack I keep in a crate near the edge of the room. They're not exactly hidden, I'm not a child or a liar, but Shepard made it clear she'd rather pretend not to know about this habit, so I keep them out of sight.

"I've known you smoked since you were thirteen," he informs me, tone and expression dry. That could make me laugh too if he were anyone else.

I offer him a cigarette and a light before taking one myself and leaning on the console. He sits down on the cot, frowning down at it as if the cot can help being so uncomfortable. I thank the Spirits again that I don't live in here anymore.

"Who did you pick the habit up from, by the way? I've always wondered since I never smoked in front of you kids."

"One of Dex's friends smoked, and I thought it looked cool," I admit with a laugh. If the way girls reacted to thirteen year old me with a cigarette is any indication, I was right and it does look cool.

My dad makes a soft noise in the back of his throat. "I would have thought it was yet another habit gained from Saren had I not known you didn't meet him yet."

I take a breath, inhaling smoke and thick Main Battery air. "Pansexuality is not a habit, Dad."

Yet another item on the endless list of the ways I've disappointed this man. If I were just sleeping with men, he wouldn't have a problem. He told me as much. It's the fact that I "can't choose," in his words, and I know sleeping with aliens is part of the issue.

He looks up at me from the cot, brown eyes a soft color that is constantly at odds with his expressions and emotions. Nothing about Castis Vakarian is soft. "Your mother told me once that she expected you to end up with Nihlus. That would have been okay, you know. Not ideal, but an option."

A laugh explodes from me before I can help it, but this one holds no trace of humor. It wasn't a secret that people thought Nihlus and I had something other than friendship going on. We were inseparable, 'tied at the fringe' as my mother called it fondly. An option...no. That would have been a disaster, even if we were attracted to one another. I would have hurt him, lost him years before he died.

My heart clenches as the memory of his smile flashes through my mind. I loved him; before Shepard, he was the only person outside my family that I loved this hard. Nihlus was part of me. And my father thinks he would have been an option, though not the ideal one.

Fuck him.

"Yes, well," my father breathes, deciding wisely not to push for my thoughts on the subject. I can only hold my tongue for so long. "It seems not you've gotten yourself into quite the situation. Bonding, Garrus, really?"

"You say that like I made a choice. You know as well as I do, better than most, that it's nothing I did on purpose. It just happened."

"When?" I blink at him, and he repeats, "When? When did you know?"

I shake my head and look away, using a drag on my cigarette as an excuse not to answer him immediately. I can't talk to him about Shepard's death; it would be even harder, even worse than talking about it with anyone else.

He lets that topic go too and exhales hard before rising to his feet and pacing the length of the battery slowly. "Is she aware of the bond? Of what it means, of what it does to you?"

"As much as she can be," I answer honestly, choosing not to watch him walk. EDI is filtering the smoke out of the room, and I keep my eye trained on the vent, watching the light swirl around the clouds. It's calming, and I'm hoping for calm right now. "Without being a Turian, there are some things she can only know or understand in concept."

"Humans don't bond," he says. It's not said as if he's educating me on the topic or clarifying it. He just needed to say it, needed to insert it into my mind as if it doesn't already haunt me. "They're not even monogamous, are they?"

"Shepard is," I reply, only barely not snapping at him. I catch his eye to flash a grin that he'll hate and add, "You should be grateful that she broke my non-monogamous habit."

"Have you considered that her feelings could change?" he asks, infuriatingly calm as he identifies my deepest fears and prods at them. "Have either of you thought about what it will do to you if her commitment to you right now is not permanent, if she falls in love with someone else?" He spits out 'falls in love' like it disgraces him even to have the words in his mouth.

The line of questioning is proof that he knows nothing about me. Anyone who does know me would know I've agonized over those questions for years, that I likely always will. Of course, if I tried to explain anxiety to my father or how it affects me, how it's not a comment on my relationship with Shepard or on Shepard at all but on my brain's need to overanalyze, he would only belittle me for that, too. I could make his head explode if I told him about the little pill I take every morning.

"Of course, I've considered it, Dad. We both have." It's one of the things that almost ruined us before we got started, but he doesn't need to know that intimate detail. He'd consider it an opportunity lost anyway. "But what good does that do? Have you considered what will happen to you when Mom inevitably dies? Does it change the way you feel? Could anything?"

He winces, one of the biggest displays of pain I've ever seen on the man, when I mention my mom's death.

"You can't even hear it, can't even think about it without it hurting," I spit at him. "I've lived through it. I know exactly what happens to me if she's gone." He stops walking and looks at me, expression unreadable and subtones giving nothing away. "I know better than anyone that nothing is permanent. I'm not letting fear about what could change keep me from her. It only hurt to try."

"You..." He clears his throat. "You were bonded to her when she died?"

I nod a little, my own throat growing tight. "Yes. And no, there's nothing I could say that can prepare you or make it better. It's not survivable."

The room falls completely still. I don't think either of us breathes for a long moment. There it is, the one thing my father and I have in common. My bondmate died well before her time, and his is going to. We can give Mom years and those are beautiful, but my father will end up where I was before Omega. It's enough to make me actually feel bad for the man.

I hope he doesn't have to live through it.

"It's...a blessing that she's back," he says finally, voice softer than usual. "Spirits only know where you would have ended up otherwise." Moment over, he's back. Ass. He clears his throat, this time to get his facade back in place. "In any case...it may be for the best that you bonded with her instead of merely falling in love. No one can argue you made a choice or could change things."

I frown at him and wait, finishing my cigarette. This is going somewhere, and my gut instinct is that I'm not going to like it.

"You are aware that a life with a human means you cannot live on Palaven," he continues, voice growing hard again. Even the notion of one of his children living elsewhere is offensive to him. "You must also be aware that while you have not been stripped of rank yet, it could seriously damage your standing within the Hierarchy. Especially added with your failure to serve for the last two years. It is only your name that has saved you thus far."

"I served on Omega," I inform him.

He scoffs. "No one serves anyone but themselves on Omega. The fact that you were there does not help your case at all."

"Who exactly am I making a case to here?"

"We may be able to salvage your future, though," he continues, ignoring that question. "I had already set plans in motion, and learning of your bond only strengthens them. No one in the Hierarchy would dare fault you for nature."

He says to his queer son bonded to a human while faulting that son for all of those things.

"What plans, Dad?" I press him, trying to get this over with so I can shut whatever it is down. "You know I can't come back to Palaven now, even if I thought Shepard could live there."

He takes a breath and stops moving, turning to face me with his hands folding behind his back. It's his serious, professional, all-business stance. That and his pissed off stance are the only ones he ever takes with me.

"You cannot change your bond to Shepard. It will remain permanent, nothing can be done to reverse that. However...it does not prevent you from fulfilling your duties with marriage to a respectable Turian."

My heart stutters, and the words hit me like a smack in the face. I flounder for words or even a coherent thought. There's no way I heard any of that correctly.

"Contracts for you are not as easy to come by these days after all the stunts you've pulled," he continues, either unaware of my reaction or just not caring to hear it. "The damage you took to your face will only complicate that further. But you still have your name and your legacy, and that is still worth something. We can arrange a contract to a good woman," he emphasizes the gender, "and your duty to her, to Palaven, to your family will remain despite your bond."

"You...you want me to marry someone...not Shepard?" I manage, my head still spinning to keep up with him. This train of thought came out of nowhere and I can't find where the path even starts to catch up.

And yet my father looks at me as if my confusion astounds him. "Yes, Garrus," he replies, as if speaking to a child. "What other options do you have?"

All my restraint snaps, and the console behind me groans under the strain of my hand clenching around the edge. I release it but have to ball my fists for fear I'll grab my father that hard next.

"That...is not an option!" I snap, shouting by the end of it. "How dare you? You would continue to attempt to whore me out for your legacy, for some false attempt at honor, while my bondmate does what exactly?"

"Shepard would be free to pursue other relationships as well, of course."

A growl rips out of my throat, and it makes my father's expression smug. He thinks he's proved something by triggering my territorial instincts. He's using Shepard's biological inability, as he sees it, to commit to me for life as a weapon against me.

"And whoring you out is a little strong," he adds with a dismissive wave, obviously unconcerned by the strength of my reaction to this. "You've done a good deal of that yourself. This is respectable. Though perhaps I shouldn't be surprised you can't see the difference."

My father is pressed against the wall, my forearm at his throat, before I even realize that I've moved. The flash of fear through his eyes is the most satisfying thing I've ever seen; I've never wanted to make anyone else fear me the way I want it for this man.

"You will never speak of this again," I inform him, leaving no room for argument and little room for his oxygen supply. "Do not ever mention this to me again, and don't you dare bring it up with Shepard. I will gladly give up everything else in the galaxy before I would be unfaithful to her. You want to use this as an excuse to disown me, to force me out of the family completely, fine. Consider me gone."

I shove away from him, his head smacking against the wall, and move for the doors only to have my heart stop when I realize they're already open. Solana and Shepard stand on the threshold, matching expressions of horror on their faces. I only need a glance at Shepard to know how much she heard and how much it hurts.

"Why are you so set on pushing him away from us?" Solana demands, finding her voice before anyone else in the room can. She's focused on our father, but Shepard won't meet my gaze, so I let Sol have at him and focus on what matters.

"Come," I order, taking Shepard's hand even as I say it and pulling her far enough into the room that the doors close. I'd like more privacy but some things need to be said now. When I take the two steps down onto the Thanix platform, we're almost equal in height, so I stop there to take her face between my hands. "I would never," I breathe, my forehead firmly against hers. "Never, Shepard."

"I know," she whispers, her hands curling around my wrists. It's too soft, too unsure. Does she doubt me?

"I'm telling Mom about this," Solana is informing our father. He looks properly told off and shamed; whether that's because of her threats or mine, I don't care. "She asked you to come here and get Garrus to visit, to say whatever you needed to bring him home. We want him home, Dad; it doesn't matter if he's bonded to Shepard or a Krogan or no one at all. Why are you trying to force him away?"

The hitch in my sister's voice, the pain in her subtones, strikes me. I never would have threatened to leave my family behind if I'd known she was listening. I can only hope she gives me a chance later to explain, to promise I'd never leave her. I couldn't. But even Solana isn't my priority right now.

"Look at me, baby," I beg Shepard.

She does, eyes wide and pained but dry. She's made her mind up about something, and I know before she opens her mouth that I'm not going to like it. "If it was the best thing for you - "

"Stop," I growl out. "Don't even say it. It'll never be true. Do you understand me?"

Shepard takes a breath and nods, at least trying to convince herself of it. I can tell she needed to hear me say it. I'll remind her every day if that's what she needs.

"Someone needs to be thinking about your future, Garrus," my father interjects, speaking over Solana's pleas.

"Shepard is my future, Dad," I reply, not taking my eyes off Shepard's and not parting from her either. "After we save the galaxy, we're getting married, we're gonna have babies, and we might even adopt a Krogan or two for good measure." Shepard laughs, the tension finally easing as she squeezes my wrists. "Fuck the Hierarchy, fuck Palaven. I don't need any of it."

I hear him scoff. "You aren't thinking clearly about this. She's human, Garrus, its - "

"I'm standing right here," Shepard snaps. She turns away to look at him, my hands falling from her face, but she wraps an arm around my neck to keep her hold on me. "And yes, I'm human. No, I can't bond. If I thought for a second that being with someone else, even in part, could make Garrus happy, I'd let him go. I love him enough to do what's best for him, and that makes me better for him than you are."

"I agree," Solana breathes, her stance hard and fiery. She's not done this fight either, and I'm sure she was honest about telling our mom.

Shepard turns back to me. "I don't want to do this today. I'm sorry."

"No, you're right," I assure her. "Dad, you can sleep in here tonight if you don't want to stay on your shuttle. Solana, there's plenty of bunk space around and - "

"I'm fine," she cuts in, waving that off. "Your crew invited me to watch a movie with everyone after dinner. I'll see you two then."

I look to Shepard for her approval and she nods, so I take her hand and start out of the room, pausing only to thank my sister and ignoring my father. I hope Solana leaves him in pieces.

In the elevator, Shepard moves right into my arms and looks up at me. "Are you okay?" she asks. "Solana had just gotten done telling me that she was surprised you two never came to blows, that you always managed to control yourself, and then we walked into that!"

"I never had anything worth losing my control for before you," I tell her honestly, tucking a curl behind her ear and tugging the lobe. "He's said and suggested some outlandish things in the past but that..."

She lets out a soft, humorless laugh. "Yeah. I wonder if he'd be willing to give me a say in your new wife. Seems only fair."

"Don't even joke about it, Shepard, please." I can tell she doesn't find it funny anyway. "Not only would that be betraying you and us in a huge way, but what is he thinking about this poor person I'm supposed to marry? They'll be unloved, get none of my attention - "

"None of your dick," she quips.

"Exactly. And without my dick, I mean, what's even the point?"

This time we both laugh and it's genuine, relaxing us just a little. I bury my face in her hair as the elevator reaches our floor and inhale, letting cinnamon and citrus with all those notes of me soothe my system. The doors open but we don't move yet, Shepard's hands firmly against my back and her face on my chest.

"I could be okay with it...if it was what you needed," she whispers. And even though I knew that without her saying it and even though I expected her to feel the need to say it, the words pierce me like a shotgun.

"You're what I need, kid. Only you. Tell me we're not letting him come between us."

She looks up at me, green eyes bright. "We're not letting anything come between us, big guy. Compared to the Collectors, the Reapers, even the Geth...your dad doesn't stand a chance. There's no Shepard without Vakarian."

"Add Batarians to that list for me and come home tomorrow. There's no Vakarian without Shepard either. I love you."