Chapter 63: Because of Her

Her father-in-law was immediately at the bedroom door the second Tonks opened it. Her hands were ladened with a bundle of sheets and clothes.

"How is he?" Lyall asked in an urgent whisper.

She gently closed the door.

Tonks knew that even with the door shut, Remus's overly sensitive ears would be stinging from the sounds of their voices. "He's…" Tonks paused. She knew what to expect, but it still startled her to see how sick her husband became the day before the full moon. When they had gone to bed together Remus looked exhausted and pale but now this morning, he was completely hindered by the effects of the approaching moon. Remus had explained to Tonks once that certain cycles are worse than others. Perhaps if she had paid better attention in astronomy, she would be able to identify more severe moon effects by the movement of the planets. Or maybe there was no rhyme or reason for the difference between moons. All Tonks knew was that this pre-moon day was a really bad one.

Lyall did not seem to need her to finish her sentence. He knew all too well how sick Remus could become. His eyes flicking to the load in Tonks's arms. "Do you need help?" Lyall's voice sounded both desperate and reluctant as he asked.

Tonks raised her wand and the bundle of sheets and clothes floated towards the laundry. Remus was unable to get from the bed on his own, riddled with weakness and pain. When he had finally brought himself to ask Tonks for help it was too late and he had wet the bed.

"I've got it," she said in a low voice, trying to spare her husband any further embarrassment. In addition to giving Remus Wolfsbane potion, the healer had provided many strong pain potions. "I think the potions may have been a bad idea. I don't know how much they're helping. All they seem to be doing is making him completely zonked out."

Lyall unconsciously pulled at the ends of his hair. His eyes looked utterly deranged. Tonks wondered if he was like this before every full moon.

"Do you want to go sit with him?" Tonks offered.

"No," Lyall said, looking almost fearfully at the closed bedroom door. "I-I don't think I would do much good. Hope would always take care of him before the full moon and I…"

Tonks nodded. She understood. Remus's mother would take on the responsibility of caring for her son during the day and Lyall, because he was the one with magic, had to contain Remus during the night.

Additionally, Tonks guessed that it was too much for Lyall to look at his son before the full moon. Lyall seemed to be slouch with visible guilt pressing upon his shoulders.

Tonks pressed her lips together before engulfing Lyall in a tight hug. She wanted to convey to her father-in-law that it wasn't his fault. Remus's pain and suffering all fell on Fenrir Greyback's shoulders. Though, Tonks knew in her heart that Lyall would blame himself for the rest of his life.

"He'll be alright," she breathed, before letting him go. Then she stared her father-in-law in the face. "I will be with him tonight."

Lyall's eyes widened.

Tonks had not told anyone but Remus her plan to stay with him during the full moon. She did not want anyone to interfere.

Tonks nodded once and then went back into the bedroom.

Remus was curled under a blanket atop the bare mattress. He did not look up as Tonks reentered the room. Once Tonks had helped Remus into dry pajamas, he had tipped himself back onto the bed before Tonks could remake it.

She moved as quietly as she could towards Remus and knelt beside the bed.

He had folded the pillow round his head, sandwiching his ears in an attempt to muffle the slight sounds that made his senses burn. He could feel the sound waves like shocking electrical currents. It had not been this bad in a while.

Remus's eyes were round and alert. "Sorry," he said, barely moving his lips.

"Don't be stupid," Tonks mouthed, lovingly.

Remus gazed at his wife, shame and guilt almost overriding the pain of the approaching full moon. There was no contempt in her eye, nor did she ever complain about having to take care of him, but Remus hated that he was doing this to her. He hated the invalid he became once a month.

Remus wanted to tell Tonks that he would much rather prefer to lay in a cold, piss-soaked bed than have to watch her clean up after him.

Tonks narrowed her eyes at Remus, measuring his expression. "I mean it," Tonks said, only letting air pass through her lips. "Don't be stupid."

Despite his pain and humiliation, the corners of Remus's lips twitched slightly. Only Tonks would tell him he was being daft when he was so ill.

"T-Thank you," Remus chocked out.

"I love you," Tonks whispered.

"You too," Remus managed. "So much."

Tonks gave her husband a sad little smile. Every bit of speech seemed to be causing his discomfort.

The house was practically silent and motionless.

Remus guessed that his wife had told everyone to be cautious. He was both grateful for it and ashamed to put everyone out.

No one used the kitchen, for the smell of cooking food would be too overpowering for Remus's overly sensitive nose. No one spoke in more than a whisper. Though, regardless, every muttered word, every footstep, Remus could sense, and it was vastly unpleasant.

He could hear his father pacing. Each step pounded against Remus's skull. He could hear Ted and Andromeda speaking in hushed voices from their bedroom. He could not distinguish the words, yet he imagined the worst. How could he protect their daughter when he was so useless?

"Are you sure I can't put a silencing charm around you," Tonks asked.

"No," Remus groaned.

Remus had told Tonks last night that he wanted to be able to hear everything that was going on no matter how uncomfortable he felt.

Tonks bit her tongue. She did not want to insult Remus by telling him if someone did break into the house, which was not going to happen under the Fidelius charm anyway, he would be a complete liability in a duel the way he was now.

"Okay," she agreed softly. "What do you need then? Water? Are you warm enough?"

Remus considered her for a moment, torn between wanting her and not wanting to burden her further. "Just you," he murmured. "I just need you."

Tonks nodded and gently eased herself onto the bed beside Remus.

Remus adjusted himself so that his head was on her chest and his arm was draped across her midriff.

Tonks tried to lay as still as possible, she tried to not breath too heavily. She even tried to will her heartbeat to be quieter.

Remus let out a sigh of relief as he rested against his wife. A wave swept over him and suddenly the chaos of his mind and body stilled. There was only Tonks and her light breathing and rhythmic heartbeat.

"I think the potions must have started working," Remus hummed.

"Really?" Tonks questioned. "You took them ages ago."

"I suddenly feel much better," he said, his voice surprisingly strong.

Tonks's brows knit together. "That's brilliant, but…" She carefully detached herself from Remus.

The moment they were not touching, Tonks saw Remus flinch in pain.

She immediately wrapped him back in her arms and that same relief washed over his body.

Remus tilted his head to look at Tonks. His eyes were wide with wonderment. "The child?"

"Must be," Tonks replied.

"The last full moon, I noticed that I was more comfortable with you near me," Remus told her, "I was even able to sleep, remember? But I just thought that had to do with you. Granted, last month was not as intense as this one. But when I touch you now, the difference is profound. I'm in no pain."

"This is the third full moon since I've been pregnant," Tonks said. "Perhaps the baby is getting stronger."

"Dora this…" Remus did not even know what this was. Amazing? Unbelievable? Completely and utterly insane?

"I know," Tonks agreed. "I know."

Remus could sense her imagination running away with her. "You are not going to be near me when I turn," he said firmly.

"But Remus if-"

"I agreed to let you come with me tonight," he interjected. "Don't push it."

Tonks nodded. 'One step at a time,' she thought.

When the alarm clock rang an hour before the full moon, Tonks helped Remus out of bed, though he always became stronger right before the transformation. He did not bother changing out of his pajamas, for he would be getting undressed before he transformed anyway. He slid on his trainers and Tonks wrapped his traveling cloak around his shoulders.

Remus tried not to listen as Tonks had a whispered argument outside the door with her parents when they realized that she would be going with Remus. When Remus emerged from the bedroom, Andromeda and Ted gave him a somewhat tense goodbye.

Lyall was absent from the farewells all together.

Remus carried a rucksack with him. Tonks had never seen him bring a bag to a transformation before, but she did not question it.

Once outside the Fidelius charm, Remus and Tonks were able to apparate to Mad-Eye's house where they had agreed upon him transforming.

"Homenum Revelio," Remus muttered, his wand raised. Nothing happened. The house was empty.

Tonks stood in the doorway and stared inside, not ready to cross the threshold.

"Dora?" Remus said gently, placing his hand on the small of her back.

"It's exactly how he left it," she said in a daze.

"We don't have to-"

"No, no," Tonks interjected. "It's a perfect place to do this. Besides, I think Mad-Eye would like to know that he was still being helpful. It's just hard to know that- that he's not inside."

"I know, Darling," Remus whispered. "Take your time. I will put protection spells around the house."

Tonks nodded, not looking at Remus but continuing to peer inside the empty house.

Remus was circling the premises with his wand raised. Flashes of color encircled the dwelling.

Tonks took a step inside. The floorboards squeezed like they always did, not knowing that so much had changes. Mad-Eye had left the floor creaking. "So that I can hear people moving about my house," he had once told Tonks.

She rocked on her heels and listened to the boards groan. "I'm here, Mad-Eye," she said into the nothingness. "It's only me, not an intruder or murderer. Just Tonks."

Tonks moved into the kitchen.

His rusted kettle was still on the stove.

She ran her hand over the gnarled wood of the kitchen table; ever since Tonks could remember, it had always looked like someone had used it for target practice, which someone probably did. It was scratched and scorched and very reminiscent of Mad-Eye himself. Yet how many times had Tonks sat across this old, knobby table for a cup of tea and a laugh or some well-timed advice?

Now when Tonks pulled her hand away, her fingers left a trail in the dust covering its surface.

"All done," Remus announced.

Tonks jumped slightly.

"I'm sorry," Remus said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Two minutes in this house and I'm already jumpy like Mad-Eye," she said, forcing a smile on her face.

"Constant vigilance," Remus said.

"Constant vigilance," Tonks returned back.

Remus sealed the door behind them, and Tonks led him down to the cellar.

It was exactly what Tonks described, a large empty space with three old mattresses strewn across the floor for a soft-landing during dueling practice. All the mattresses were dirty and scorched but this was a thousand times better than were Remus usually transformed.

"Well, this is where the magic happens," Tonks said, grinning at Remus. "My dad said that's a muggle expression. Strange isn't it? I guess that it really doesn't work for us because literal magic happens here."

Remus gave his wife a tight smile. He was becoming more nervous as the full moon pressed in. "This is perfect, Dora," he assured her. "Thank you for thinking of it."

"No problem," she said, her voice losing some of its brightness. "How much time do we have."

"About ten minutes," Remus said hoarsely down at his watch.

"Okay," she said softly. Tonks took the bag from Remus's hands and placed it on one of the mattresses. Then she gently took up his hand in hers and began unfastening his wristwatch and stored it safely in her pocket. She brought his hand to her lips and kissed the tips of his fingers.

"Dora," Remus sighed as she reached for the fasten of his traveling cloak.

"Let me," she urged. She knew that he was able to undress himself now, but she needed to do something for him, one more loving deed before the moon rose.

It meant so much to Tonks when Remus nodded his consent.

Remus's eyes bore into hers.

The way she disrobed him was neither sexual nor pitying. Her delicate hands moved over his body as if any extension of himself, yet a self that did not exist for Remus before, with a touch that was loving and unapologetic.

Tonks's fingers moved to his trousers and pulled them down. Remus stepped out of the legs and stood before her completely naked, every scar and every imperfection on display. Yet he did not flinch away from her gaze.

"I need your helps with something else," Remus mumbled.

"Of course," Tonks breathed.

Remus knelt and opened the rucksack. What he pulled from the bag made Tonks gasp.

"No, Remus," she said firmly.

"I transfigured it," Remus explained. "It's like the one we received-"

"No," Tonks exclaimed. "There is no need-"

"Dora, we are running out of time," Remus said urgently. "I agreed to let you be here, but I need to keep you safe." He held out to her a large leather muzzle. "Please."

Tonks looked suddenly tearful as she took it from him. "You are really going to make me put this on you?"

Remus nodded and then stooped slightly so that Tonks could reach.

With shaking hands, she fitted the leather straps around his head. It was loose of course, for in mere minutes it would be snuggle around a werewolf's snout.

"Thank you," Remus said, his voice muffled for he could barely open his mouth.

Tonks narrowed her eyes at him. "Don't mention it," she said drily.

Remus shutter. A familiar chill ran across his body.

Tonks reached out to him, but he backed away from her.

"Get away from me," Remus growled as he dropped to his knees. "Now!"

Tonks hurried to the other side of the room, pressing her back against the wall.

Remus let out a scream of agony. His body lurched forward, his palms hitting the floor. His gaze found Tonks's for a split second before he determinately looked away. He did not want to see the horror in her eyes.

Tonks slapped her hand over her mouth to keep her own cries from escaping her lips as Remus continued to yell in pain.

His body began to erupt in thick fur. Then he fell face to the ground as his limbs began to break and manipulate themselves in foreign ways.

Everything about him began to expand. His muscles bulged and his body lengthened. His face was pulled into the animalistic form and his spine poked outward into a tail. His teeth peaked out from the sides of his snout and his hands grew and bent into clawed paws.

With a final jerk, Remus's legs and hips snapped out of their sockets and readjusted themselves to create a four-legged werewolf.

Both Tonks and Remus were panting.

Remus fell onto his side trying to catch his breath and readjust to this body that he was forced into. He lifted his head a fraction of an inch to peer at Tonks.

Silent tears were streaming from her eyes.

"I'm coming near you," she warned in a quivering voice, figuring that it would be wise to make all her actions known beforehand.

'Why would you want to?' Remus thought wearily. He felt in control of himself. He did not have any urges or hungers that were not his own. He wished he would have given Tonks more instruction on what to do if he got out of hand.

Tonks moved slowly towards him. She was ashamed of how she shook. She had seen Remus like this before, but never had she seen the transformation and she would never unsee it. It frightened her, but if possible, it made her have a deeper respect and love for her husband. He was even braver than she could have ever imagined.

Tonks reached were Remus laid. He did not move from his side but stared up at her with eyes that were still his own. He was afraid to move, not wanting to startle her.

"Your eyes are the same," Tonks told him, kneeling. "Did you know that?"

Remus did not know that his eyes remained the same. Out of the few people who had ever seen him in this form, no one had ever described to him what he looked like. He had never seen it himself. He just imagined the worst.

Remus slowly moved onto his belly, his gaze never leaving Tonks's face.

Her eyes looked sad, but she was trying to hide behind a tiny smile.

The muzzle was very tight around Remus's snout; it pulled at his lips, revealing his enflamed red gums and sharp white teeth.

"That looks so uncomfortable," Tonks said weakly.

It was, but he did not want her to concern herself with it. Remus shook his head.

"If you say so," Tonks said with disbelief. She sat down on the ground, cross-legged. "I want to touch you." She watched as Remus's eyes widened and his whole body stilled.

Tonks held out her hand cautiously and slowly pressed it against his forehead. She stopped herself from scratching behind his ears or petting him like a dog. Though a werewolf would never be mistaken for a dog. She just let her hand linger on him.

Remus was shocked to discover that her touch on him felt exactly the same as it did when he was a man.

"I love you, Remus," Tonks said. "Always and no matter what."

Remus's chest swelled and he felt warm, which was an unfamiliar experience to the cold emptiness he usually felt during a full moon. He wished that he could tell Tonks that he loved her too.

He carefully moved his head forward, rubbing it into her hand.

When Remus looked up at Tonks again, she was smiling, but this time it touched her eyes. Her hand ran down the side of his face and fingered the leather straps of the muzzle. Her eyes became glassy again as she moved her hand back and began to fiddle with the buckle.

Remus quickly got to his feet and backed away from her. Even on all fours, he seemed so large, especially from where she sat on the ground.

"Remus, come on," Tonks protested.

A rumbling growl issued from the back of Remus's throat.

Tonks stood too and shook her head, feeling suddenly amused. "You are so stubborn sometimes," she said. "How about we work up to it?"

Remus narrowed his eyes at her in a very Remus like way.

Tonks laughed and threw herself onto one of the bigger mattresses. The springs groaned as she hit the bed hard. She propped herself up on her elbow and glanced over at her husband, patting the spot beside her.

Remus hesitated.

"Aren't you tired?" Tonks asked.

Did she really want to sleep next to a werewolf? The bravery, kindness, and pure absurdity of his wife never ceased to amaze Remus.

Remus took slow steps towards her.

His traveling cloak laid on the ground at his paws. Remus bend his head and pushed the cloak towards Tonks with his snout.

Tonks sat up and took it. "You want me to have it?"

Remus straightened and gave her a quick nod.

Tonks smiled. "Thank you," she said.

As gently as he could, Remus crawled onto the mattress beside his wife.

Tonks covered her legs with his cloak. "Do you want some of it," she offered.

Remus shook his head.

"I suppose you stay warm with the fur," Tonks rationalized.

Remus let out a little gruff sound in reply.

"I'm glad I'm here with you," Tonks breathed.

Again, Remus was in disbelief.

Tonks laughed. "I am," she assured him. Even as a werewolf she could read his expressions. "It's so much better this way, instead of me being at home left wondering whether you're okay or not."

Selfishly, Remus liked it better this way too. The pain of transforming was dreadful, but the loneliness associated with being a werewolf was the worst part of it all.

"Hey," Tonks exclaimed energetically. "Have I ever told you the story about when I stole a Venomous Tentacula from the greenhouses at Hogwarts?"

Remus gazed at his wife for a moment. 'Merlin, she was a handful when she was a kid,' Remus thought with amusement. Was this what their child would be like? he wondered. Tonks would have fit right in with the Marauders. Remus shook his head.

"Well, it was fourth year," she explained. "My original plan was to place the plan under Filch's desk. He made my friend Penny cry when she accidently stepped on Mrs. Norris's tail. Anyway, I know what you're thinking, that was completely dangerous and Filch could have gotten really hurt. I know that now obviously, but when I was fourteen, well, it just seemed like a great idea for a prank. Don't worry, though," she continued. Remus wasn't worried. He listened to her story with interest. "I never made it to Filch. The pot was quite heavy and well, I'm quite clumsy." Tonks could see Remus's eyes brighten like he wanted to laugh if he could. "Anyway, I dropped the Venomous Tentacula and it caught hold of Snape."

A light huff issued from Remus and he tiled his head to one side, willing her to continue her story.

"As you can imagine," she said, "that did not go over well. Greasy git," she added. "He and Sprout agreed upon daily detentions until the end of my school days." Tonks shook her head. "But I think Sprout took pity on me or she realized that Snape deserved to have Venomous Tentacula thrown at him. She said if I could pass a very difficult Herbology test that she would lift my punishment. I study day and night for two weeks. Passed with flying colors! Snape was livid."

Remus thought that Sirius would be really proud of Tonks's escapade and James would have been thrilled at Remus's choice in a wife.

Tonks watched Remus carefully. She felt sure that whatever he was thinking about was entertaining him. He did not look haunted or sad like she had expected. The situation was nowhere close to ideal, but it was okay.

"I see you in there, you know," Tonks told Remus frankly.

And Remus believed her. For she was not looking at him like a monster. There was no caution or fear on her face. She looked at him like she always looked at him, like she loved him and like a man.

Tonks reached out again for the muzzle. This time Remus did not flinch away. Tonks carefully unfastened the metal buckle and pulled the heavy leather away from Remus's face.

Remus moved his face away from hers and opened his jaw to stretch it out.

"That's better, isn't it?" Tonks hummed.

'Thank you,' Remus thought, turning his gaze towards her again.

Tonks moved closer. Before Remus knew it, her forehead was pressed against his. Her eyes were closed, and she sighed as if just as relieved to have the muzzle gone.

"There's my husband," she whispered to him. "There's the man I love."

Remus closed his eyes too, absorbing her words.

How was it possible for her to make him feel so loved and whole when he was in a form that he usually detested?

Remus rubbed the side of his face against her cheek, not fearing wolfish cravings. Remus felt like himself.

Tonks beamed but then yawned and stretched out her arms. The approaching full moon never meant good sleep.

Tonks did not quite see the momentous moment this was, because to her, Remus had never been a monster. However, for Remus, to be able to touch his wife as a werewolf, made all the difference in the world.

He did not feel like a monster anymore.

This was all because of her.

"Should we close our eyes and ride this night out?" Tonks suggested.

Remus gave her a slow nod. She was really planning on sleeping next to a werewolf. 'No,' a voice in his head reminded him. 'No, she is going to sleep beside her husband.'

Remus and Tonks laid their heads down on the mattress. Tonks snuggled up against Remus. She felt safe and warm next to his soft and large body.

They both fell asleep quickly and they stayed asleep until the sun was high in the sky, unsee by them in the dark cellar.

Remus stirred first, his bare arms were wrapped around Tonks, his face buried in her pink hair. He felt disoriented for only a moment before he jumped into a sitting position.

His sudden movement startled Tonks awake, and she sprang up too.

"Dora," Remus exclaimed.

"What is it?" Tonks spluttered. "What's wrong?"

"Look at me," Remus said unhelpfully.

"Yeah, I see you," Tonks said. He sat before her, naked and looking wonderfully like himself.

"I changed back," Remus said.

"Yes," Tonks said still not seeing his point. "You always change back when the sun rises."

"But I slept through it," Remus explained. "I didn't feel the transformation. It didn't hurt at all." He gapped at Tonks.

A slow grin formed on Tonks's lips as she rested her hand over her belly.

Unable to contain himself a moment longer, he held Tonks to him and kissed her hard on the mouth.

"I couldn't say it last night," Remus told her, "but I love you."

XXX

Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for following this story so far. This chapter was one of my favorites to write and I hope you enjoyed it. I am so flattered by the support I have received from readers. I so greatly appreciate you all! If you are interested in seeing parts of this story acted out, you can find me on TikTok Thorajane92.

Sincerely,

Thora Jane