Chapter Sixty-Four: Breaking Point

(April 15th, 2018, Sunday Evening)

How much did she hear?

"Damn it," Natsu hissed, struggling to breathe even after clawing at his chest.

She was there. She was right there.

He blinked as more tears filled his vision, teeth gnashing as a wave of self-loathing struck him. Or maybe it was nausea? His whole world spun as he raced down the hall, taking in shaky breaths as he fought the urge to vomit.

How much did she hear?

How badly had he ruined things?

Natsu choked on a sob as he nearly hit the lockers lining the walls. He wanted to kick the metal, punch it until the sound deafened his ears and the pain replaced the numbness spreading through his limbs.

Surely hearing him yell at his friends wasn't the way to get Lucy to trust him, his heart sinking as he realized for the first time what he just did.

"I yelled at them," he whispered, or said, he couldn't be sure. He felt the words in his throat, heard something, but his brain was already trying to shut itself down, wanting everything to go silent.

'I told them all to fuck off.'

Natsu's lungs burned before he coughed, hating every ounce of himself.

How had it gone so wrong?

What the hell was happening?

Every move he made was wrong, further pushing away the people he cared about.

Natsu didn't know how to deal with the frustration building inside him without yelling or bottling it up. He had done that for most of his life, stuffing any bad emotion down until it couldn't see the light of day again, but his emotions had been piling up. All the chaos was swishing around the rim of the bottle, now spilling out everywhere.

He just wanted it to stop.

Why wouldn't it stop?

He had yelled at them, said such awful things to the people he loved and treasured like family.

Was he determined to drive away everyone he ever cared about? Igneel was gone. Lucy was gone. His friends were on their way there. Was Happy all he would have left?

If he didn't have his friends, what was the point in trying? Was there a reason to go on without them in his life? What kind of life would that even be?

Despite his anger directed at his friends, Natsu could trust any of them with Happy. 'Maybe...'

Natsu's chest constricted as another wave of sickness washed over him. 'Maybe it'd be better if I just left.'

He could start over, no longer burdened with complex emotions he was forced to live with. Leaving would certainly fix his problem of destroying any meaningful relationship he had left.

He couldn't destroy if he wasn't there.

Natsu swallowed hard as he shook his head, fumbling with the key to his room when it came into view. He brought his hand towards the door as soon as he made it, cursing when he dropped the keys.

He bent over to pick them up before he fell to one knee, finding his strength waning. He grabbed the key with a trembling hand before crushing it in his fist, not caring that the metal bit into his skin.

He didn't want to leave his friends, but dealing with the swarm of emotions that wouldn't relent was too much. He didn't even know what he was feeling.

He thought anger, but it wasn't just that. He felt angry, upset, and in pain. The type of pain he couldn't fix with a bandage or stitches.

He was hurt, deeply hurt.

Natsu didn't understand why they didn't even try to see things from his side.

He closed his eyes as he rested his forehead to his other knee, letting the tears fall as his shoulders shook. He had never felt so low before.

So defeated.

So numb.

How did he feel that empty and hurt at the same time? It didn't make sense.

"None of this makes sense," he growled, but it came out as a pathetic whimper.

He was broken, pushed past his breaking point.

Was that what they meant when they said hitting rock bottom? He heard people usually hit that before things got better, but how? How was he supposed to mend all the damaged relationships when everything he did upset people?

His behavior upset him too when he really looked at what he said and did, but how was he supposed to fix it?

Was it even possible to fix? Or was he too late?

Despite thinking they had been unfairly harsh on him, he couldn't bring himself to be mad at them for supporting Lucy. She was their friend too, and they stood up for her.

He just wished someone had stood up for him, or at least talked to him.

Really talked to him.

Natsu shut his eyes as he mumbled something under his breath, unsure of what he said. It could have been another string of curses or the thoughts echoing in his head.

He had no right to be mad that they hadn't tried really talking to him instead of talking at him. If he wasn't willing to really talk to Lucy about what was going on, how did he think he deserved the same with his friends?

He wasn't mad at them. He was just lost, hurt, and so, so confused.

Natsu didn't want to leave, but he didn't know what else to do. He kept losing people, pushing them away.

With a shaky breath, Natsu forced himself to his feet, swaying as he felt a headache set in. He didn't bother fighting it, welcoming the dull throbs in his temple. At least they worked to drown out his thoughts.

Natsu tried entering his room again, a mark from the key indented in his palm as he moved it to the lock. He fumbled with it a few times, wiping the snot from his nose before finally getting the damn thing in there.

He was just about to turn it when a sound cut through everything else, Natsu's eyes widening when he heard a feminine voice yell, "Wait!"

Natsu nearly lost his breath as he looked over, a shred of hope spreading through his chest before it was ripped away. He couldn't describe the disappointment he felt seeing Levy jogging up to him. He had thought it was... Well, it didn't matter who he thought came after him.

She was gone, and he had himself to blame for that.

"I don't want to hear it," Natsu spoke, trying to make his voice sharp, but it only came out hoarse. His throat hurt from those few words, everything feeling raw.

"I'm sorry!" Levy rushed out as soon as she stopped, the girl putting a hand to the wall as she leaned against it. "I'm sorry Natsu."

While she caught her breath, Natsu was caught off guard, blinking in shock before raising a skeptical brow. "For what?" he asked, Levy's features slightly distorted as more tears flooded his eyes. He wiped them away, but they were soon replaced. "You didn't do anything."

Through his blurred vision he saw her cringe, the short woman looking up at him as her voice grew small. "Exactly. I wanted..." Levy looked past him before whispering, "Can we talk in private?"

Natsu almost furrowed his brows before he caught movement in his peripherals, only now noticing someone standing outside of their classroom door. His eyes wandered, realizing there were others outside in the hall, watching him.

Had they heard him? He thought he was quiet, but maybe all those spiraling thoughts had been said out loud?

He couldn't be sure, grimacing at what he must look like to them. If the stinging in his eyes and the wetness on his face had anything to say about it, he looked like a wreck.

Natsu's eyes fell on Levy, wanting to say no. He didn't want to be around anyone, feeling a strange urge to continue pushing people away. It seemed to be the only thing he was good at lately.

However, as much as he wanted to shut the world out, a deeper part of him craved human connection. He didn't want to be alone, with himself or his thoughts.

"Y-yeah," he murmured as he worked to unlock the door, not bothering to hold it open for her as he slipped in. He needed to get away from the prying eyes, away from their judgmental stares.

The room was dark, a bit of moonlight pouring through the windows and a soft glow coming from the ceiling. As he went to look for a candle, he heard Levy mumbling something about the stars. He knew she had seen them before, but even he had to admit they were a spectacle to behold.

Those stars had made Lucy happy. Why couldn't he go back to when things were easier. Though, he knew that wasn't fair. Lucy was happier now, even if he didn't understand it.

Natsu snatched his headlamp off his bookcase before looking over the shelves, frowning when he couldn't find a candle. He didn't dare look at the bookcase beside it, knowing Lucy had emptied it of her belongings.

He didn't bother looking in the closet, instead pulling one of the drawers of the desk open, knowing he had a candle or two stashed there. He could have continued using his headlight, but he wanted to conserve his batteries.

As soon as the light hit the contents of the drawer, Natsu frowned. Instead of finding the candles, he saw a stack of books. His first thought was Lucy had borrowed some from the library and forgot to return them, but that idea was discarded as soon as he read the title, realizing it was a manga.

"The hell?" Natsu murmured, picking up the first book to inspect, wondering why 'Death Note' was in his room. He had roamed the library enough times to know Makarov didn't stock manga in there, so why was it in his hands?

"I believe Lucy got you those," Levy said, filling in the gaps.

Instead of looking at her, his grip tightened on the manga, throat feeling too tight to even form words. To break the silence, Levy added, "She got them off base."

Natsu closed his eyes as he drew in a deep breath, fighting the natural urge to criticize. Why was that his first reaction? He wanted to think she was being reckless, picking out books instead of doing her job as a runner and staying alert, but he had no room to talk.

How many items had he gotten while off base? Why was it so different if Lucy did it compared to him?

He had no answer, because there wasn't a difference.

Natsu had no words as he put the manga back, shutting the drawer. His phone would have to be their light, the man setting aside his headlamp as he turned on the light on his phone before shining it upwards, illuminating the area around him.

As Natsu sat down at the desk, he furrowed his brows, wondering why Lucy wanted to get him manga. Wouldn't she have rather had something for herself?

Just as he figured she was being nice and selfless, a thought occurred to him. He had gotten all of his friends presents while in Hargeon, but he hadn't seen them since—

'I must have left them on the truck,' he thought, remembering how hectic that day had been when they arrived at Fairy Tail. It was no wonder he forgot, hoping his bags were still there for him.

"May I sit?" Levy asked, her sudden voice causing him to jolt. She mumbled an apology, but he was already shaking his head.

"It's fine." He swallowed, rubbing at his eyes when he felt them prick again. He didn't want to cry, didn't want to be vulnerable. He winced before leaving his sensitive eyes alone, swearing the skin was going to bleed if he kept messing with them.

Levy took a seat on the side of the desk while Natsu was in front of it. The air around them was quiet for a minute, Natsu refusing to look at her, his eyes trained on the center of the desk. He didn't know what he could say, shocked Levy was even there when he thought about it.

He had been so sure he ruined all his friendships, but clearly he had one left, even if he wasn't sure how strong it was after his outburst.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything in there," Levy finally said, drawing Natsu's eyes towards her. She held his gaze, voice soft as she explained her reasoning. "I was surprised, and I didn't know what to say, but... I wish I had done something to prevent it from escalating like it did."

Natsu kept his mouth shut, absorbing her words because they were a hell of a lot better than the ones in his head.

"I'm sorry you felt like we picked sides."

That had Natsu shaking his head, letting out a frustrated sigh before saying, "I shouldn't have said that. It... It wasn't fair to you guys."

Natsu almost groaned at the word 'fair'. Considering how messed up the world was, nothing seemed fair anymore.

As if by fate, Natsu felt a bump against his leg, Happy making himself known. Natsu held off on grabbing him. He had a feeling if he held his cat, he would break down again. He couldn't explain it, but he trusted his gut and let the cat continue rubbing his leg.

Natsu moved a hand over his stomach as another wave of nausea hit, taking in a steady breath before they went shaky again. He didn't know what he wanted, part of him thinking isolating himself was a good idea, the other part wanting someone to reach out to him, save him from the sinking ship he had found himself on.

Natsu gulped hard at the thought of being on any type of boat, his imagination enough to stir his stomach.

"I can see how it looked that way," Levy said, reminding Natsu she was still there. He almost forgot what they were talking about until she added, "But I guarantee, if you had shown up yesterday instead of Lucy saying you needed a place to sleep, I would've let you crash with us. Until you figured things out."

Natsu didn't want to be bitter, but his words felt sour on his tongue. "I doubt I'll ever figure this out."

He dropped his head to the desk, the cool surface a relief on his heated skin. He closed his eyes, trying to will his headache and nausea away, but it was fruitless. If anything the room started spinning, or maybe that was him caught in his downward spiral.

"She really moved out of your room?" Natsu asked, cutting through the silence. It felt heavy, suffocating. He lifted his head as he took in a deep breath, refusing to look Levy in the eye.

"Yeah," she whispered, giving him nothing else, not that he wanted it.

All he could wonder was if she felt as lonely as he did. He wanted to fix things between them, share in her presence and just smile and be happy with her, but things had gotten out of hand so quickly. He had shattered so much over the past few days, and it seemed like every time he tried picking up the pieces, he either made a bigger mess or got himself hurt on the sharp edges.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?" Natsu muttered, thankful Levy didn't answer that. He knew she wouldn't. Levy had a kind heart. Picking at him didn't seem in her nature.

Natsu frowned as he ran his hand over the desk's surface, wondering how many hours Lucy sat there working on her stories. He would give anything to have her back, watching her quietly get her ideas out on paper.

He wanted her back, wanted to find comfort in her and offer her comfort in return if she needed it. His world felt dull without her in it, Natsu missing the light she seemed to possess within herself.

"I..." Natsu's voice felt thick, exhaustion creeping up on him. He didn't know everything he felt, unable to deal with each emotion separately, let alone all together.

However, despite all the chaos in his head, there was one thing he was certain.

"I want things to go back to normal."

He wished for silence, but unfortunately Levy said, "Well, I understand that, but things will never be normal." As he sighed, she continued. "It's out of our hands. We can only learn to live with what's going on."

Natsu felt tears filling his eyes once more, but he shut them quickly in an attempt to hide them. However, Levy had seen, her voice full of concern as she gently asked, "What's going on?"

He shook his head, but she didn't let it go, asking again. Natsu waited a moment, mostly so he could swallow down the sickness coursing through his body. He wanted to throw up, felt like it would make him feel better, but he stayed planted in the seat.

After taking a few shallow breaths, Natsu admitted, "I-I shouldn't... want things to be normal b— because, Lucy's h-happy... as a runner."

Every word had his heart sinking, his conflicting thoughts making a comeback. "I just want her safe... I—"

He looked at Levy, flashing her a broken smile as he thought of the times he spent with Lucy before he left. How much better things had seemed. It was all an illusion though, Lucy wanting to be a runner before he went to Hargeon.

He had no idea she was unhappy with her job, wishing he had given her a safe place to express herself.

Maybe then they wouldn't be fighting.

"I wanna spend time with her," he whispered, whatever remaining of his smile fading. "I wanna be around her, but..."

"But?" Levy asked, Natsu's arms and legs going numb at his biggest fear.

"I don't want to visit a grave... if she—" Clenching his teeth, Natsu shook his head, refusing to let that pain in his heart. He couldn't bear the thought of Lucy dying. She had to live. She just had to.

The world needed her.

'I... need her.'

Before Natsu could dwell on that thought, Levy said, "I get it. You don't want to lose her."

It felt so much deeper than that, but Natsu gave her a single nod. "But... I already lost her."

"She's still alive," Levy said, but that brought him little comfort when danger was right around the corner.

"But tomorrow she's going right back out there," he said, gesturing in the direction of the main gate. "And I'm gonna be right there so she doesn't hurt herself, but that's just gonna piss her off and she's never going to want to talk to me again, and I fucked up everything but I still wanna make sure she's safe, but she—"

Natsu sucked in a deep breath, his heartbeat racing as the words kept flying out. "I don't want to—" His voice cracked, but that didn't slow him down. "I don't want to lose her, but I k-keep pushing her away because I'm scared of losing her, and I'm stuck in this endless cycle where I keep making it worse and I just wanna talk to her again but every time I do I make it worse and I..."

Natsu's gut twisting as he admitted, "I lost her."

He wasn't sure when the tears started flowing again, his throat scratchy as he kept rambling, unable to stop.

"I don't want her getting hurt, but I'm hurting her, and I can't stop. I want to, I wanna not be scared. I wanna be proud of her, but... but she's... she's gonna get hurt out there. It's only a matter of time. They always get hurt."

He pressed his palm to his beating chest as his shoulders shook, failing to control his thoughts or feelings. He couldn't look at Levy anymore, knowing she would see the desperation in his eyes.

"It's tearing me up inside, but I don't know what to do with that. I don't! I just... I wanna shove it all down and never think about it but that's all I can think about." Was he even making any sense? He didn't bother stopping to ask, the air feeling thin as he sucked in another breath, wondering why he couldn't get enough oxygen.

"It's not working, nothing's working. I just— I make things worse, and she— Fuck I screwed up so bad. I just— I want her to be my friend again, but I keep pushing her away, and I keep saying the same damn thing over and over again and I'm tired of my shit so I know she is too. I'm just stuck in this stupid fucking loop but I don't know how to get out. I've fucked up so bad. So, so bad, and I don't even know if I can fix it. Any of it."

Natsu struggled to breathe, clawing at his chest as his lungs began to burn, but he couldn't stop. The world was already blurring around him, and it wasn't because of his tears. His mind was retreating, and he would gladly let it.

"I don't know if Lucy will even let me try to fix it. She— Fuck, she won't even look at me anymore, and that just—"

He jabbed at his chest, not caring if he left bruises. "It fucking hurts. Like something's breaking inside... I... What the hell is wrong with me?! I want her to be happy but I also want her safe and I know— I know it's not fair of me to ask her to quit her job. I get it, but she can get hurt. What..."

Natsu looked at Levy, eyes wide as he shook. His voice grew to a whisper, the words haunting him as they filled the air between them.

"What if she gets hurt? I..." His face twisted before he pressed his palms to his eyes, needing to drown out the vicious onslaught of thoughts. "I don't think I could take it."

He felt his mouth moving as his words began to fade, unsure if he was still speaking or not. He was so confused, and the more he thought about it, the more his head hurt. He didn't want to think anymore, ready to turn his mind off if he had a switch. He just wanted Lucy back, but he wanted her to be happy too, but he wasn't making her happy and that hurt.

It hurt so much, Natsu grabbing at his chest again to try to stop the pain.

He flinched when he felt something on his shoulder, dropping his hands before his eyes snapped to Levy's hand there. He hadn't realized he was panting and sweaty, unable to fill his lungs.

"Take a breath," Levy said, shaking her head when Natsu took three quick ones in a row. "Slow down. Count to four while you inhale. Like this—"

Levy used her free hand to count her fingers as she loudly breathed in, Natsu trying his best to mimic her but he couldn't get his breathing under control.

It felt like his chest was burning, like a hot piece of coal had been pressed into his heart.

"Now, exhale slowly. One, two, three, four. And inhale. One, two, three—"

Natsu wasn't sure how many times Levy repeated that sequence, the woman unrelenting until Natsu didn't feel overloaded anymore.

He found the slightest relief when he got his breathing back to normal, but then his thoughts resurfaced. Natsu lost his rhythm for a moment, but Levy stuck with him, guiding him back to a steady pace.

He didn't want to dive into the rabbit hole, eyes focused on Levy and her fingers as he fought to keep his head clear.

"I know you've lost a lot of people," Levy said, still moving her fingers for him to breathe in and out. "That must make it scary knowing Lucy's out there."

Natsu followed Levy's pattern two more times before he felt comfortable enough to speak, though he did so with caution. He wasn't sure what to call whatever he just went through, but he knew he never wanted to feel that panicky and hopeless again.

"It's not just that," he said, pausing before slowly exhaling. "I... I feel like it'd be different. Lucy—" Saying her name had his stomach turning, remembering how upset she had looked earlier when telling him she moved out. "She's..."

"What?"

"She just feels different."

He had felt pain when he lost the others, but with Lucy...

He wasn't sure he could survive the loss.

He had never gotten that close to a roommate before, but it went beyond that. Lucy was such a sound part of his life now, that the thought of her not there, it tore him up inside.

With a pang in his chest, Natsu admitted, "While I was gone, I didn't go long without thinking of her." She popped in his mind so often it felt second nature to think of Lucy. What she was doing. What she would have thought of their adventure. If she would have thought that frog he saw once was cool or gross. If she would have liked Hargeon. What kind of job would she get at Hargeon if she had more options.

He always assumed it would be a safe job on base, but now he knew Lucy wanted more. So much more than he ever dreamed.

"I was so excited to come back... And Lucy was so happy when we saw each other."

For a single moment, Natsu's heart warmed, thinking about their reunion. "We hugged each other, and..." He furrowed his brows, not understanding it himself, but he knew it was true. "Everything felt... right in the world."

"Everything?" Levy asked, causing Natsu to nod.

For a brief moment he cherished that hug and how happy it had made him, but it wasn't long before he lowered his head, eyes growing dull as he remembered the rest. "Things seemed perfect, but then it got complicated when I found out Loke and her knew each other, and they dated."

No, it wasn't just dating. They had been engaged to be married.

The burning in his chest didn't sit well with him, Natsu swallowing as he moved past the unpleasant feeling. "I just... I barely processed that before I realized she was upset at me for telling a secret of hers to Makarov."

"You what?" Levy asked, tone more surprised than accusatory.

"I know," Natsu whispered before forcing himself to meet her gaze. "I know. It wasn't my secret to tell. I... I messed up, and... she said she forgave me, but then she brought it up yesterday—"

Natsu cupped his scarred cheek before resting his elbow on the desk, needing a moment to let that sink in. Their big fight was just yesterday, but it felt like ages ago.

He sighed, feeling a new type of confliction. "She mentioned it during our fight, so I dunno if she actually forgave me or if she just wants to..."

"Maybe it's still fresh?" Levy asked, causing Natsu to shrug.

"I don't know..." There was so much he didn't know. "She's probably still hurt."

Silence fell over them again, Natsu jolting when Happy jumped on the desk. For a second he thought Happy wanted to comfort him, but after letting out a long howl, he realized he just wanted to be fed.

With a defeated sigh, Natsu excused himself to take care of his cat. Part of him was relieved by the distance between him and the conversation, already feeling the knots in his stomach loosening. However, that relief was short-lived, Natsu returning to the desk as Happy munched on his food.

After sitting down, Natsu's brows drew in as he thought about how Lucy must have felt when it came to him sharing her secret. "I can understand her being upset," Natsu started, knowing he would be upset if someone did the same to him, not that he had any secrets. "How do I show her I'm not gonna do it again?"

He wasn't expecting an answer, drawing in a deep breath before slowly exhaling. "I... I violated her trust. Fuck." Natsu lowered his head, eyes unfocused as he said, "Maybe... this is better. She's... better, without me."

"Don't say that," Levy said, but he shook his head.

He had seen her improvements while he was gone. If he had stuck around, she would probably still be that timid person he left behind months ago. "I'm just dragging her down. I..."

Natsu's eyes went to his fist, not realizing he had been clenching it until he felt pain, his nails digging into his skin. He sucked in a breath, then another before whispering, "I wanna be a better friend."

He looked at Levy, quickly averting his eyes when he felt too vulnerable. He slowly uncurled his fist, eyes on his palm as he remembered how it felt holding Lucy's hand. It was such an odd sensation, Natsu feeling almost light but also grounded when they were with each other.

His fingers twitched before he turned his hand over, knowing he would never get a chance to hold her hand again.

"I wanna be better," he said, wishing he had come to that realization days ago. "She deserves better."

Maybe it was too late.

Maybe she didn't want to give him a chance to redeem himself.

He couldn't blame her if that was her decision.

But at the very least, he could become a better person. At least then their broken friendship wouldn't have been for nothing.

"I wanna get better, but..." With a shaky inhale, he asked, "How?"

After a moment, Levy said, "I know you're a good guy, Natsu. Your heart's in the right place." She paused, waiting until he dared to look at her before saying, "I heard you."

Before he could ask what that meant, she filled him in. "You want to fix things, but you don't know how. Would you be willing to talk it out with me?"

Natsu's eyes widened for a second as his jaw went slack. He didn't say anything, stunned silent.

"I imagine you're having a lot of feelings and thoughts," she guessed, causing him to nod.

It was like she plucked the words right out of his head. "It's... hectic."

Levy offered him a sad smile as she said, "I bet. Can you tell me about them?"

Natsu swallowed, feeling like a layer around him had been peeled back as he started telling Levy about everything that had happened between arriving at Fairy Tail until the fight he had with his friends. He admitted he shouldn't have yelled at Lucy. He was pissed after his conversation with Gray, but that gave him no right to take it out on her.

Levy listened, occasionally nodding or coaxing him to continue talking.

He told her about stealing Lucy's kill, how he regretted it but was also too scared to even dream of standing back. He hadn't even thought about it. He just saw a threat coming at Lucy and he needed to protect her.

"Why do you feel the need to do that?" Levy asked.

He deflated, clinging to what he said when he found her in that abandoned house. "I made a promise to protect her."

"She has training to deal with them."

Natsu's eyes flitted to the side, stomach twisting at the thought of Lucy taking on those things by herself. "I've heard... But I haven't seen it as much as I shoulda. I..."

His throat tightened, not wanting to admit his wrongdoings. "I didn't... give her a real chance to show me. I..."

His stomach flopped, a sickness washing over him, but he pressed forward. "I was lookin' for reasons to... to discount her."

He felt like an asshole admitting it, but it was the truth. He had been searching for any excuse he could use to convince himself she wasn't meant to be off base. It was selfish, disgusting, and in no way fair to Lucy.

He wanted to throw up, angry at himself but still unable to fix his mindset. Admitting his faults was one thing, but how was he supposed to accept her new dangerous role and not care if she got hurt or not? Was that even possible?

In the corner of Natsu's eyes, he saw Levy nodding. "That's not good, but I'm glad you're realizing it. That's something."

"It is?" he asked, ashamed of his behavior.

"Yes. Now you can begin the process of rectifying it."

"She's never gonna talk to me again," Natsu said, not waiting for Levy to speak before sighing. "I don't even blame her. I know I pushed her too far, but..." His voice trailed off, a sense of trepidation hitting him as he thought about tomorrow.

"What?" Levy asked, cocking her head.

He wasn't going to tell her, but he had already mentioned it once. "What do I do about tomorrow?"

"What about it?"

"She's going back out there," Natsu said, dreading it. If only he could pause time until he figured everything out, but he knew that was impossible.

"Well," Levy started, readjusting herself in the seat. "Lucy's actually not going off base tomorrow."

"What?" he asked, looking at her with a raised brow. Runners didn't get Mondays off, so why would she be on base?

"Since there's only one chariot thing, the runners and clearers take turns off base," Levy explained, Natsu's eyes slowly widening as she did so. "I believe Lucy and the other runners will be working on either the outdoor showers or maybe the new greenhouse. Or maybe something else. Either way, she won't be off base until... Let's see, she gets Tuesdays off, so Wednesday."

"Wait, don't the clearers have the same days off too?" Natsu asked, now confused for a different reason.

With a furrow in her brow, Levy stood, walking over to the board. "They switched it up. Here, can I get some light?" she asked, causing Natsu to point the phone's flashlight towards her.

She wrote over the board, needing a minute or two as she made a schedule he could follow. When Levy finished, she stepped back, letting him absorb the new knowledge.

Sunday- Clearer (day off), Runner (zombies)

Monday- Clearer (zombies), Runner (Fairy Tail)

Tuesday- Clearer (zombies), Runner (day off)

Wednesday- Clearer (day off), Runner (zombies)

Thursday- Alternating every other week Fairy Tail/Zombies

Friday- Clearer (Fairy Tail), Runner (zombies)

Saturday- Clearer (Zombies), Runner (day off)

"Zombies just means working off base. Fairy Tail means on base."

Natsu stared at the board for a while, letting it all sink in. He inhaled slowly before nodding. "So, Lucy's only off base three or four times a week?"

"That's correct. Until they get another zombie chariot up and running. I think they're halfway through? I could be wrong."

Natsu was torn between hoping they took their time getting the chariot together and hoping they finished it soon so Fairy Tail could have more supplies. Either way, he took comfort in knowing Lucy wasn't out there every day. She had two days off and at least one day dedicated to working on base, sometimes two depending on the week.

However, he knew that was a temporary solution to his problem. Finding ways around his fear wasn't actually dealing with it, but he wasn't sure how to go about dealing with it when it always got overwhelming.

He practiced breathing in and out like Levy showed him earlier, finding it helped for the most part.

"That's good, but I don't think I'll be able to stay away on Wednesday..." He knew what Lucy wanted. She wanted him to stay back and let her do her job without his protection, which felt like he had no options.

"I wanna make sure Lucy's safe, but she doesn't want that..."

Levy nodded to herself before offering, "I don't know what she's thinking, but I will suggest you stay here next time she has to go out there."

Natsu didn't have to feel his heart sinking to know he didn't like that idea. Before he could say anything, Levy gave him a sympathetic look. "She'll be as fine as she can be. She's been out there, she's done her training. From the stories I hear, she's good at her job."

Natsu's throat bobbed as he swallowed, unsure if her words brought comfort or more concerns, especially when she added, "She's not like, on Rogue's level or anything, but she's good nonetheless."

If she was going to be out there, facing all those risks, Natsu wanted her to be more than 'good'. He wanted her alert, trained to handle stressful situations and make quick decisions. Instead of looking for reasons she shouldn't be a runner, he should have asked her about her training, maybe even given her tips and tricks while off base.

Either of those would have been better than what he actually did.

Instead of dwelling on that, which wouldn't happen for days, Natsu focused on the immediate. "What about breakfast?"

Levy gave him a questioning look, so he said, "I dunno if she'll be okay with me there... Or, anyone." Natsu's body felt heavier as reality weighed him down, remembering his fight with his friends. "Fuck... I'm such an asshole."

"You're not an asshole," Levy said, taking her seat again, sitting crisscrossed. Her eyes were half-lidded, Natsu realizing she was getting tired. Guilt struck him, knowing he was keeping her up. She had planned to watch a movie with the others, but everyone knew Levy was always the first to fall asleep.

He grimaced, issuing an apology for keeping her up before she waved him off.

"It's fine," she assured before getting back to the matter at hand. "Also, I don't think you should be so hard on yourself. If I had to guess, you probably felt cornered earlier."

Natsu nodded, wishing he had kept his cool but he had felt boxed in. He didn't know how to react, so he went off his instincts, which was to defend himself until he had no choice but to lash out.

"I... think I'm gonna eat in my room tomorrow."

Levy looked like she might protest before her lips pressed into a thin line. "If that's what you want."

It wasn't what he wanted. He craved friendship, wanting to be surrounded by the people he considered his family, but distancing himself seemed like the right answer.

Then again, he had been wrong so many times who was he to judge what was right?

Natsu sighed, eyes flitting around before they landed on Happy. He used him as a distraction, feeling less vulnerable as he spoke. "Hopefully Lucy'll be okay with me being around by Wednesday... I know she doesn't want my protection, but..."

How was he supposed to stand back as she stepped into a dangerous situation?

"If it makes you feel better, she's done well so far without your protection."

Natsu clenched his teeth as his cheek twitched, the man looking down at the desk.

"What?" Levy asked.

Natsu shook his head as he muttered, "Nothing."

"Natsu?"

He turned his head away, but Levy wasn't swayed.

"Come on, talk to me. Obviously something I said struck a nerve. What is it?"

He couldn't find his voice for a moment, mulling over his thoughts. They switched between wishing he was more needed to being happy Lucy was strong without him. She had more potential than he ever thought possible, and finally she had unlocked it.

And he hadn't been there to witness it, Natsu feeling a deep ache of regret for leaving. If only he had stayed.

If only he had gotten to watch her grow into the person she was today. Strong, fierce, and independent.

He felt cold, left behind but still unable to place the blame on anyone but himself.

Natsu took in a string of shaky breaths, struggling to pace himself. "I... feel so powerless," he whispered, that raw feeling returning. He hated feeling that way. "... Knowing she's out there and can get hurt... If I'm there I can protect her, but..."

He swallowed, hands beginning to shake before he crossed his arms over his chest. "I think Lucy's right," he said, that coldness within him spreading. He didn't like it, wanting to feel warmth in his chest instead of the void that had taken residence.

"I... was trying to control her. Not all of her, but her decisions, and that's... that's..." He couldn't find a word to describe how despicable that made him feel. He could only imagine how it affected Lucy. "I don't want to control her. I... I wanna be happy, and if her being a runner makes her happy, then I gotta get over it."

His breathing increased, but he felt he couldn't get enough air. "But I need her safe. I need her alive. I—"

'I need her.'

Natsu closed his eyes as he steadied his breathing, feeling a burn in his chest that brought him no comfort. It did nothing to chase the cold away. "I don't know what to do," he admitted, though he figured Levy understood that loud and clear.

He wanted to fix things, but how?

"Maybe, there's a chance of a compromise?" Levy asked, causing Natsu to huff.

"I tried compromising."

He glanced her way just as she gave him a pointed look. "I heard what you thought was a compromise. That's not what I mean."

Natsu was thankful Levy didn't say more on him suggesting Lucy switch to water gathering. Instead, the woman eased up. "Maybe when things settle down, ask Lucy if she would be okay with partnering with you, but with you only stepping in if she asks."

As an afterthought, Levy added, "Of if you really think her life is in danger. Like, truly."

Natsu took a shaky breath, wondering if he was even capable of holding back. "I don't know..."

'Would she even be okay with something like that?'

"Or, maybe you can help her," Levy suggested, causing him to raise a brow. "Maybe that'll make you feel more secure with her decision and help improve her skills? I know you and Gray used to teach the kids some techniques on being stealthy and stuff. Maybe you can do that with Lucy?"

Natsu did his best to ignore the ill feelings he had towards Gray. That was another thing messing with his head. He had never fought that badly with Gray before. Disagreements here and there were one thing, but they were dealing with a moral dilemma that had him uncomfortable even looking at Gray.

He didn't want to fight with his best friend. He could understand the logic behind Gray's thoughts, but it didn't feel right. He couldn't condone what they were doing at Hargeon, relieved he was far away from that madness.

Focusing on Levy's last comments instead of his situation with Gray should have made him feel better, but he couldn't help feeling guilty. "It's been a while since I've done that," he said, and that had been before he left for Hargeon. After bringing Lucy to Fairy Tail, she had occupied most of his free time.

But, despite their rocky start, he couldn't see his life without her, which only brought on more pain knowing he pushed her away.

The cycle of thoughts kept repeating themselves, and he was tired and dizzy, left more confused than ever.

He should get with the teacher on his next day off and see if he could help more, but he didn't even know which day his day off would be. He didn't want Wednesdays anymore if it meant he couldn't see Lucy, though it shouldn't matter since she didn't want him around.

Before he could let those dark thoughts drag him down, Levy broke through the haze.

"Don't worry about it," she said, offering him a soft smile. "Sting filled that spot."

Natsu felt a jerk in his chest, swallowing as he rubbed over the ache. He wasn't surprised when Levy realized something was wrong, the woman asking about it before he shook his head.

"It's not important."

"Can I hear it anyways?"

He was reluctant, letting the silence fill the space between them before his eyes closed. "It's stupid, but... I'm... scared." He counted in his head as he breathed, needing to stay in control. "I... feel like I'm getting re... replaced."

Saying it had him feeling better and worse, which only made him wonder if he should have kept his thoughts to himself.

Levy hummed, waiting a moment before saying, "I'd like to dig deeper into what you're thinking and feeling, if you're up for it?"

Natsu frowned, casting her an apprehensive look. "I don't really wanna face it," he admitted, worried he would find himself more broken than before. "I mean, I know I'm in the wrong, but I'm still worried she's not being safe enough."

When Levy tilted her head an inch, he explained how Lucy wasn't as alert as he thought she should be, but it was more or less repeating what he had already told her.

"She's not careless," he said, but it didn't make him feel that much better. "But she could use more training. At least honing in on some stuff."

"Maybe you could train with her?"

Natsu couldn't help but groan. "There's too many maybes being thrown around."

However, despite being worried he would push her again, Natsu asked, "Do... you think she'd be okay with that?"

"I don't know. All you can do is ask."

That had Natsu's shoulders sagging. "I don't think I should talk to her. I dunno what to say without making it worse."

"Well," Levy started, drawing his attention back to her face. "I think time will be good for you both. Let you both think and heal before trying again."

"... Maybe," he whispered, pinning too much hope on uncertainties. "I'm not convinced she'll ever talk to me again. I... I really fucked it up."

Levy's face softened. "I think Lucy's more forgiving than you think."

Natsu rested his head in his hand again, muttering, "She has no reason to forgive me. She doesn't owe it to me to give me a chance, if that makes sense."

"You're right about that," Levy said with a nod. "However, I think she wants to be your friend still. I bet she's torn up over it too, she's just better at hiding it."

Before Natsu could say anything, Levy added, "You're not good at hiding your pain. I also think you're not used to this type of disappointment, especially in yourself."

When he said nothing, Levy continued. "Just like you said you should have cooled down from your fight with Gray before seeing Lucy, I think you should let yourself calm down from your fight with all of us before deciding anything."

"I'm pretty sure I messed up all my friendships," he said, but Levy shook her head.

"I don't think so. I mean, I'm still here." Determination filled her eyes. "I'm not ready to give up on this friendship over one fight. Are you?"

Natsu hesitated before shaking his head, wanting to say he didn't think it was up to him anyway. "I just thought..." He paused, letting it all sink in. "Maybe... I should just, step back and let things settle."

"I think with you coming back and so much changing, combined with those fights, you're feeling overwhelmed."

Natsu couldn't agree more. "Very."

"Taking a step back is best. It'll give yourself time to think things through and sort out your thoughts. Now, until you have a better grip on your emotions, I think you should come to receiving and work with me."

"Why?" Natsu asked, furrowing his brows. He wanted to sort his thoughts out, not sort supplies.

"Lucy probably needs space too, and you going off base with her and possibly hovering over her is going to make things worse."

"I... guess," he said, stomach not satisfied with that answer. However, he didn't have a better idea.

"I think working with me will help. It'll take your mind off things and give yourself something constructive to do."

He nodded, deciding that wasn't a terrible idea. However, the thought of Lucy off base without him there unsettled him. What if something happened? How was he supposed to turn off his concerns?

"I don't know," he ended up saying, frowning as he picked at a chip in the wood on the desk, trying not to let that vulnerability swallow him whole. "I just... I don't know if I can fix this, even with time and space. I mean..."

He looked at her, his turmoil coloring his voice as he said, "I wanna accept her as a runner, but I'm worried she'll get hurt."

"Well, yeah, that's understandable," Levy said, but that response didn't help.

"How do I make myself stop worrying? So I can really accept her as a runner?" He let out a sound of frustration as he ran a hand through his pink hair, those conflicting thoughts demanding his attention. "I don't know if I can stop caring. I... I don't know how to turn that off."

The fading of his voice was followed by a long silence, Levy blinking a few times before saying, "I... think there's a misunderstanding."

Just as Natsu looked at her again, Levy said, "You can be supportive of Lucy and still be worried for her safety."

"That makes her mad," he said without hesitation, remembering how irritated he had made her.

Levy shook her head, saying, "No. What probably upset her was you treating her like less than a runner. Like she needed to be, in your words, babysat."

Natsu ground his teeth, trying to comprehend what she said. How could he accept her job and be worried without upsetting her. It seemed logical to stop caring as much because then he wouldn't have as much concern, but he didn't think he could turn off that part of him.

Levy must have seen his confusion, the woman saying, "Let me think," before rubbing at her forehead, as if to coax the solution out of her.

"Okay," she said after what felt like minutes of awkward silence. "Here me out. You were going to be a firefighter, right?"

He didn't know how Levy bringing up a future he could never have would be helpful, but he nodded anyway. "Yeah."

"That's a dangerous job, correct?"

Natsu could tell she was leading up to a point, but he didn't follow just yet. "Yeah?"

"Well, all of us, your dad included, were worried about you and your safety, but we were still supportive of your choice."

Natsu's eyes rounded, Levy's comparison making so much sense he nearly gasped.

Levy didn't wait for him to reply, cementing the thought in his head. "It isn't a one or the other kind of situation. You can be worried and still supportive, you just have to manage it. It's when your worrying interferes with her free will, that's when there's a problem. You can't let fear control you, or Lucy."

After a few breaths, Levy said, "Don't compromise her freedom or decisions, but you can still be concerned in a healthy way, if you work on it."

"Okay, fine," Natsu said, still finding one flaw in that way of thinking. "But out there it's different. One wrong move and..." His voice trailed off, but Levy was quick to speak.

"And there's not life-threatening things about fighting fires?" She gave him a pointed look. "You were going to put yourself in risky situations, even if it made you happy. All it would've taken was one wrong move there."

Levy looked pretty satisfied with herself, adding, "You could've fallen through a broken floorboard and gotten stuck? A flaming beam could have landed on your back? Anything bad could happen inside a burning house, which is why all of us were scared, but we still supported you. That didn't mean we cared less about your safety, right?"

"Well..." Natsu didn't say it with words, but he must have given his thoughts away.

Levy nodded to herself as she said, "Exactly. You can be supportive and scared."

"I still want to protect her," he said, sinking into his seat. "But she won't let me."

"Seriously," Levy said, her voice gentle but firm. "I bet if you tell Lucy you would feel better watching over her, not because you don't think she can handle herself, but because you want to be there just in case, she may be okay with it."

Natsu had no response, digesting her words.

"You just can't do it in a demeaning way."

"Yeah," he said, knowing he had failed. "I... I can understand that."

Understanding was one thing, but applying it to real life? Was he able to live with knowing Lucy was in danger? 'I guess I'll never know unless I give it an honest try...'

"I haven't treated her like she's strong," he admitted, gut twisting at what he did earlier that day. "I didn't give her a real chance to show me what she can do."

"Well," Levy offered him a wane smile, "maybe you can ask her for a do-over? But this time let her show you how she's grown."

"I wouldn't want to talk to someone who treated me like I treated her," he said, imaging how angry he would be if he were in Lucy's shoes.

"You can start by saying that," Levy suggested with a shrug. "I'm sure she'd appreciate you admitting you were wrong."

Natsu dropped his head, wishing it were that simple. Lucy wouldn't even look at him. Was giving her space going to be enough to have a chance at talking to her? Or was it a lost cause?

No, everything he had gone through the past few days wouldn't be for nothing. Even if Lucy never spoke to him again, he could use the experiences he gained, no matter how hard, and work towards being a better person.

He would just continue to miss Lucy, not realizing how much he needed her in his life until she was gone.

"You think I can manage my fear?" Natsu asked, trying not to drown in his thoughts.

"I think so." Levy sounded more confident than him. "I mean, you're not the only one scared for Lucy."

"I'm not?" he asked, surprised when she shook her head. "Everyone else is acting like it's no big deal."

"I assure you, we're worried, but I think the shock has worn off? But trust me, we still worry."

Deciding to approach it another way, Levy said, "We just learned to live with the concern. I was terrified when you and Gray started working out there, and that was before anyone got any type of training." She paused, smile small but genuine. "My favorite time of the day is when we're all together. It's the only time I know with absolute certainty that everyone's safe."

"I get that," Natsu said, looking at it from her perspective, even if a stubborn part of his mind wanted to refuse. He had a feeling it would take work fully opening his mind and changing his way of thinking.

"I still worry, but I trust everyone to do their best." Levy took in a deep breath. "And for Lucy, I know being a runner makes her happy, and her happiness is more important than my fear."

Levy's lips pressed into a tight line before saying, "In this case, anyways. If she was doing something harmful to her body intentionally then we'd intervene, but she knows it's dangerous and she has her training. She tells us about her adventures off base, and it sounds like she has a good grasp on the job."

When Natsu remained silent, Levy said, "I trust she'll make it back. And if she doesn't..."

Natsu swallowed, thankful when Levy didn't finish her sentence. Instead, she said, "People died in regular life too. Your parents died, and Igneel's wife passed."

With a nod, Natsu said, "Yeah, but I want Lucy to live a long life."

"Understandable."

He didn't think Levy really understood. Natsu could spend a hundred years hanging out with Lucy, but it still didn't feel like enough. He would still want more. He couldn't explain how drawn to her he felt. She was weird, sure, but she was also interesting and kind and smart as hell.

He loved her stories and loved how peaceful he felt when it was just the two of them. He loved the fire in her eyes when they ran around the track, loved seeing her grin, his heart warming as he thought about it before his growing smile vanished.

Would he ever see her grin again?

"There's not enough time," Natsu said, causing Levy to sigh.

"No, there's not, but that's all the more reason to cherish the present. We have to make the most out of the time we get, which means fixing things between you two."

With a jerk in his stomach, Natsu admitted, "I still don't know what to say..." He wasn't good with words.

"Well," Levy started, sitting up straight. "If you're willing to put in the work, you can—"

The two jolted at the unexpected knock on the door. Natsu looked at Levy as if she might know how was out there. He hoped it wasn't a neighbor coming to check on him, still embarrassed over how they saw him earlier, which felt odd. He usually didn't care what other people thought of him.

"Maybe that's Erza? Or Gray?"

Natsu held in a groan. After what happened, he didn't want to see either of them. They were his oldest friends, the three meeting when they were children in the system. It was fortunate they were able to attend the same schools even after they got adopted, otherwise he wouldn't have been able to keep in touch with them.

They had gotten him through that difficult time in his life, and he had been there for them when they dealt with their share of hardships.

He thought their bond was unbreakable, but now he wondered how he could ever face them again.

"Do you want me to answer it?" Levy asked after a moment, Natsu's eyes fixed on the door. He didn't want to see them, still upset over what happened, but he found himself nodding.

"Can you tell them I'm not in the mood?" he asked, feeling too unstable at the moment. All his emotions were laid out in front of him, some he didn't understand. He didn't want to muddle his troubled mind further.

With a soft nod, Levy rose to her feet. Natsu's eyes fell to the desk, listening as Levy opened the door.

"Oh... Hey," she said, Natsu wondering who was there. He thought out of the two it would have been Erza. The woman was as stubborn as they came. He didn't want to imagine how that interaction might go, but he didn't have to.

His face paled as his heart sank, hearing a voice that definitely didn't belong to Erza ask, "Is he in there?"

'Is she really—'

Without thinking, Natsu scrambled to his feet. He rubbed at his eyes, making sure no tears had formed during his talk with Levy. Natsu dropped his hands just as Levy opened the door more, his eyes widening with the action.

As soon as he made eye contact with Lucy he lost his breath, grabbing the edge of the desk to keep his balance. He struggled to find his voice, silent for a moment as he stared in disbelief. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" she asked, fidgeting with her hands.

Natsu looked at Levy, unsure if he was asking permission or dismissing her. She made up his mind for him, saying, "I'll be right outside."

Levy stepped out seconds before Lucy walked in, the woman turning to close the door behind her. That small gesture had Natsu swallowing, beyond shocked that she was not only there, but okay with being alone with him.

That had to be good, right?

His shoulders almost sagged, realizing he was overthinking things, which was so unlike him. Everything had been simple before he left for Hargeon.

Or, maybe they had always been complicated. He just never noticed because he refused to look for deeper meanings.

Before his thoughts could lead him down another confusing path, Lucy moved, facing him. There was distance between them, figuratively and literally. He didn't want to say anything to upset her, but he had to know what she heard.

"How long were you..."

His voice trailed off as soon as Lucy's eyes rounded. She easily picked up what he meant. "Not long." He couldn't tell if she seemed nervous or if he was projecting his own feelings. His palms sweat, breath shaky as he tried processing the fact that she was actually in front of him.

He had been so sure she would never even look at him again, but he had been wrong.

"Ten seconds tops," Lucy said, pressing her lips into a thin line as she slid her foot against the tile floor, unable to stay still. "I didn't hear anything," she assured before her eyes fell to the side. "Unless you're talking about earlier..."

Natsu bit his inner cheek, terrified of saying the wrong thing. He was now sure Lucy was nervous, watching as she squirmed during the stretch of silence. "I uh, I heard a good amount of what happened in Erza's room... I was just, scared to come in."

Natsu flinched, hurt by her words until Lucy rushed out, "I wasn't scared of you!" She took a step closer, voice softening as she said, "I'm not scared of you. I just... didn't know what to say."

"Me too," Natsu said, referring to the present. "Um..." What could he say? Was there even a safe topic? She had a reason she came by, but Natsu was hesitant to hear it.

What if she only came by to tell him to back off for good? What if she wanted to officially end their friendship instead of letting them drift apart?

He couldn't bear the thought, needing to prolong the end, even if for a moment. "How's uh... how is everyone?"

Did he even want to know? He had left with some ugly words hanging in the air. He imagined they weren't too happy with him, but Lucy shocked him by saying, "Erza and the others want to apologize."

Natsu lifted his brows, unsure he heard her correctly. "Really?"

"Yeah," Lucy said with a nod, taking a half-step closer. "She's going to wait until tomorrow to try to talk to you, since Levy went after you tonight." She paused, taking a moment to hold his gaze before sighing. "She did say she's sorry for what she said to you. And..."

It looked as if Lucy was about to fidget again before steeling herself, taking a steady breath. "I'm also sorry."

That stunned Natsu, mouth parting but unable to respond. What could she be sorry for? He was the one acting like a dick.

Lucy didn't let the silence come back, eyes sad as she said, "I never wanted you to feel like people were taking sides..."

"It's, fine," Natsu mumbled, assuming she hadn't caught what he said as she tilted her head a bit.

After a few seconds where he didn't repeat himself, Lucy swallowed. "Anyways, I just came by to say... maybe moving out was harsh."

"What?"

Lucy's eyes flitted to the side, her brows pinched before her body seemed to ease. He hadn't realized she had been so stiff. "I don't regret leaving, but I think I should have tried talking to you about why you doing what you did bothered me, but I'm still trying to put it into words."

Natsu almost scoffed. He wasn't upset or angry at Lucy, more flabbergasted than anything. If Lucy, the woman who loved the written word, had difficulties saying what she felt, what hope did he have at figuring out his own issues?

"I just," she started, breaking him out of his forming thoughts. "I honestly think I just need some space. I mean, I don't—"

Natsu had to force himself to breathe easy, otherwise he was going to hyperventilate from the anticipation alone. His hand clung to the desk, needing something solid to hold.

"I..." She looked at him, eyes boring into his own. She paused, voice nearly cracking as she admitted, "I don't want to lose... I don't want our friendship to end."

Natsu would swallow if not for the lump forming in his throat. It was a miracle he even got the next words out. "I don't want it to end either."

Lucy nodded, a small but genuine smile spreading on her face. "I'm glad." She took another step towards him, rubbing her arm with a hand as she said, "If you're okay with it, I'd like some time to clear my head."

"Yeah," he breathed, meaning every word. "Whatever you need."

"Thanks," she whispered, looking more relaxed than before. "I don't want to fight with you, and if there's even a chance we can still be friends, I want to take it."

Before he could respond, Lucy's cheek twitched. "I'm still hurt, and kind of peeved, but I want us to be good. And..."

She drew in a breath, those endless brown eyes fixed on his, stealing every shred of his attention. "I can see this isn't easy on you either. I'm... I'm hoping there's a way we can get along, even with my job?"

Natsu swallowed, head feeling heavy as he nodded. "Yeah, I'm uh—" He stopped himself from rambling, counting in his head as he inhaled and exhaled before promising, "I'm gonna learn to deal with it."

After a few seconds, he added, "In a healthy way."

He hadn't been coping well, and without help, he was sure to continue spiraling downward. "Levy's gonna help me."

That had Lucy dropping her hand until they both hung by her sides. She looked less guarded than before, open to trying again. "Then you're in good hands."

Lucy looked over her shoulder at the door. Natsu knew she wanted to leave, but he wished she would stay. Even if he didn't know what to say, just being around her brought him a shimmer of hope.

Despite wanting her to stay, he had to be patient and understanding, even if those things weren't in his nature. He wanted them to be friends now, but it would take time to heal after the rough days they endured.

When Lucy looked back at him, she whispered, "I should get going."

His heart would have dropped if not for the reluctance in her voice. He could've been wrong, but it sounded like she didn't want to go.

His suspicions were proven correct when she asked, "If it's alright with you, can I..."

Lucy faced him before stepping closer. She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, that nervousness from before coming back. "Is it... um— Before I leave, can I get a... a hug?"

Natsu's eyes widened, stunned by the request but still managing a nod. He barely took a breath before her arms wrapped around him, Lucy gently pressing her cheek against his chest.

For a brief second he wondered if she could feel his frantic heart beating. It pounded in his ears, nearly drowning everything out before Lucy let out the smallest sigh as her arms tightened around him.

Natsu hesitated before bringing his arms up, lightly running one across her shoulders while the other found her lower back. He thought she might tense at his touch, but instead she pressed further against him.

He closed his eyes, breathing her in as he coiled his arms firmly around her. He didn't know how long it would take or how hard facing his demons would be, but in that moment he felt like he could conquer anything. He didn't understand everything, but he could feel it in his bones.

As long as he had Lucy by his side, anything was possible.

"We'll get there," Lucy murmured into his shirt, causing a strange sensation to spread through his chest. It was warm, with a dash of fear and hope and so much more. Since he couldn't describe it beyond that, he ignored it in favor of hugging her tighter, trying to memorize everything.

How she felt in his arms, how she smelled and sounded. He didn't know how long it would be before he could spend time with her again, ready to give her all the space and time in the world if it made her feel better.

She wanted to be his friend, and that had Natsu's heart soaring.

"I have faith in us," she said, gripping the back of his shirt when he shook.

Tears filled his eyes once more as he whispered, "G-good." He didn't like crying, but he knew it would be alright.

They would be alright, in time.

He couldn't be sure how long they stood there, holding each other as if it were the last time. With her job, her safety wasn't guaranteed, but Levy was onto something.

He had wanted a dangerous job and his family and friends still supported him despite the risks. It didn't mean they cared any less about him, which was what he had to remind himself.

Natsu would learn to accept her job while still worrying, as long as he didn't try to hold her back.

He never wanted to hinder her happiness again.

As if sensing his dismay, Lucy whispered, "You didn't lose me."

Natsu didn't think he could hold her any tighter, but he managed, thankful when she leaned into him instead of pulling away. He didn't realize how badly he needed to hear that, to know she hadn't left his life forever.

Natsu didn't respond for a moment, afraid of ruining things. With her close, he didn't feel empty, alone. He felt stronger and weaker with her in his arms, but he would go through a hundred weird emotions if it meant having her in his life.

With a shaky breath, Natsu said, "I'm sorry, for how I treated you."

"I just need to sort things out," Lucy said, causing Natsu to nod. "Things have been... confusing."

Natsu's chest rumbled with a laugh, but even he could hear it was broken. "I get that, completely."

He wanted that moment to last forever, wishing he could hold her longer. However, as soon as he felt her pull away, his grip loosened.

Lucy was like a light in his life, and he didn't want to snuff it out or hide it from the world. It was a big change, but Lucy was more independent than he had ever seen her, and he was thankful she decided their friendship wasn't worth giving up on so easily.

She had ever right to turn her back on him. He would get better so she wouldn't come to regret her decision to stay.

When Lucy stepped back, she wore a soft smile. Natsu knew staying quiet was the safe option, but he couldn't stop himself from saying, "I uh, look forward to getting to know ya."

Lucy cocked her head, curiosity flashing in her eyes. "You already know me?"

Natsu shrugged, now feeling silly as he said, "I wanna know you better. There's... clearly so much more to you I don't know about."

He wanted to discover more, even if he didn't fully understand what that entailed. He just knew he didn't want to stop getting to know her.

"Thank you for giving me space," Lucy said, taking another step back.

Unlike earlier when he saw Lucy leaving, he didn't feel so bad. Sure, he would miss her when she left, but he had a newfound hope that things could be alright. He just had to put in the effort and talk things out with her... After he learned how to control his feelings and natural reactions.

Fear was a powerful thing, and it would take time to manage it.

"Whatever you need," he said sincerely.

"I'll see you around," Lucy said, offering him a small wave as she turned towards the door.

"Yeah," was all he could say.

Natsu wanted to tell her to have a good night, tell her he would be better for her and himself, but he couldn't muster the words. He would show her he could improve.

Actions spoke louder than words.

Natsu remained quiet as Lucy made her exit, Levy coming back into the room moments later. He barely waited for the door to close before speaking, more determined than ever before.

"Please help me. I... I wanna be better."

Lucy deserved a better friend and he needed to grow as a person. He couldn't keep shoving all his emotions down, hoping they would go away. He needed to face the battle in his head, even if it overwhelmed him.

It was a challenge he couldn't run from.

"We'll start tomorrow," Levy said, not bothering to sit down again. He figured she was tired, ready to leave if her heavy eyelids and slouched posture were any indication. "Either after work or maybe during. It depends on how busy we are." Her shoulders shook as she chuckled. "There's a lot to sort."

Natsu joined her in a laugh, though his lacked any humor. "That sounds like work."

With a teasing smile, Levy said, "That'll be easy for you. The real work is going to be with your mindset and feelings."

Natsu took a deep breath, not bothering to deny it. "Yeah."

"I'll swing by the library tomorrow morning. See what books I can find." She sighed as she ran her fingers through her short blue hair, frowning to herself. "I doubt it, but maybe there's something about coping with a loved one in a dangerous job."

"If only you could get to a real bookstore," Natsu said, causing her to nod.

"I wish. Then I could find tons of stuff to help."

Speaking of books, Natsu remembered the gift he got for her. "Tomorrow I also gotta check the semi. See if I left my bag in there. I got ya something."

"Oh?" Levy asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah, I uh..." Natsu's heart sank as he said, "I got everyone... something..."

Levy must have known what he was thinking. She was the most intuitive person in their group. "You can give them to us when we clear the air. Can't rush these things."

"Right," Natsu said, wondering how long it would take before things got better.

"Good." Levy stretched her arms before yawning. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, bright and early."

As she spun on her heel to face the door, she said, "I think our first mission will be bettering your communication skills."

Natsu snorted. "I could use that."

Levy paused, looking over her shoulder but her eyes were unfocused. "It can be uncomfortable being honest, and vulnerable, but it's for the best. And if a friendship doesn't survive it, then it wasn't as strong as it needed to be."

Instead of letting that hurt, Natsu nodded to himself. He didn't question it, knowing now his friendship with Lucy would prevail. He couldn't give up.

"At least you can take solace in the fact that you don't have to have it all figured out tonight. Get some rest."

Natsu opened his mouth to say she needed to do the same thing, but she cut him off by saying, "That's your first homework assignment."

Natsu groaned, shoulders falling as thoughts of school filled his head. "There's gonna be homework?"

"Absolutely! Maybe even a test!"

When Natsu gaped at her, she laughed. "Seriously though, it's bed time. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah," he said, his smile betraying the annoyance in his tone. "G'night."

"Good night." Levy opened the door, pausing when Natsu called her name. "Yes?"

When she looked back at him, he took in a deep breath. "Thanks... for agreeing to help." He wouldn't have to figure it out on his own, having Levy as his guide.

She smiled, face softening as she said, "You'll get better. It'll take effort, but I think you'll get there."

Levy started stepping out of the classroom, calling back, "Get some sleep! Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

"Aye Ma'am!"

He waited until she closed the door before taking a seat at the desk, needing a moment to process what just happened. However, not two minutes went by before he was overwhelmed by his thoughts.

Natsu stood, deciding to start his nightly routine so he could get some sleep. However, that sense of dread returned when his eyes fell on the large mattress he wanted to share with Lucy.

Happy was finally laying on it, but even with his cat there, he knew he would feel alone.

Natsu clenched his fist, feeling a fire in his belly as he swore to himself he would get better.

He would improve, or he would die trying.

.

.

.

Let the character development begin! Natsu has reached his breaking point, but luckily for him someone reached out and finally offered him some real help instead of just saying 'fix it'. Sometimes we know what we're supposed to do, but changing a mindset can be difficult, and that's without life and death hanging in the balance. I think Levy comparing it to Natsu as a firefighter was an eye-opener for him. What do you think?

With the help of Levy, Natsu's sure to have a better guide through all these new conflicting and challenging thoughts. What were your thoughts on Lucy coming by towards the end? Did anyone expect that? Or did you think she was going to continue avoiding him? She's hurting too in a different way. She finally found some pride and independence in herself, and she wanted to have her best friend happy for her, but he exhibited controlling and demeaning traits that hurt her, even if that wasn't his intention. She's been controlled most of her life (which was why she rebelled in college with some partying/drinking) and then the stuff with Jose happened and then the outbreak and then Ivan and then her spirit was all but broken, but Natsu helped her piece herself back together, only to crush her with his refusal to accept her new role at Fairy Tail, which makes her feel more valuable to the base and gives her a sense of accomplishment she wasn't receiving at her old job. Anyways, I already know no matter how I write a story, there will always be different opinions on who was more or less in the wrong and no reconciliation will be perfect to everyone, but I'm satisfied with how the story is going, so I hope y'all are at least enjoying yourselves while reading. There will be a small time skip (few days to make it a week since Natsu got back), then we'll have one chapter before another time skip.

As for the Gray situation and Natsu's fight with his friends, it will take time, but those relationships will be resolved as well in time. I've always been the type of person who if I have a conflict I want to solve it right there, but I've learned taking time can be very beneficial. Early 2020 I had a fight with someone and I told them I needed time and space to process and they gave it to me, and I sincerely think if I wasn't given time I would have pulled away and let the friendship end. Everyone here needs time to sort through their own thoughts and feelings before trying again.

This is my last update for 2020! I hope I surpass my 2021 writing goal of updating at least 15 times, but if I only end up making that at least that's about one update a month. Hoping for more though! This year has been... can we even capture it in words? Hoping 2021 is a calm, safe year. What are/were your New Year's Eve plans? I just hung out with Kovu editing this chapter, haha. Have a great day/night, and please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Stay safe out there!

Thank you so much for your awesome feedback: XxCelestialAssassinxX, helloimsandy, Ryu of Konoha, SheWhoLeavesCrappyReviews, AbsentAngel, helloimsandy, Lovesmutbabe, they. call. me. Bridge, Guest, Guest, Tohka123, KaleidoMirror, stranger1999, xXxMysticBeastxXx, Patpat(x2), sammecham50, samurai of sunflowers(x2), PanadeineForte, Raquenzel, AJ, Guest, Guest, Guest, Guest, sonikastalker, SistershoOk, ElementalMiko12, sakshishetty3003, Stardustadventurer, valerioux, Lady Of The Sphinx, FyreFalcon, Xfangirl123X, TheCrimsonPhoenix10045, shootingstarssel, Nutella16, Sam, Stellar Spirit Mage, annegirl13, Wadeparker, Guest, Guest, aiyannaliszkap, dareaderreads, SwordBlaze221, NatsuHeartfilia0628, ReynaSofy997, ms. annelily, FlameDragonHime, PAKSOO, positive vibes only, Wadeparker, ipromiseimnotatotaldweeb, Sydneste, PsychoReader08, Sarah Wolfang, ottermadness(x2), fairytailfanatic0703, FyreFalcon, Duchixx, and XxCelestialAssassinxX!

Thank you so much for your support! Hopefully I'll see ya soon with the next chapter! Until then, I'd love to hear your theories and thoughts on the chapter! :D

Up next, Chapter Sixty-Five: What a long week