It's remarkable to me how blaise Kazuma was about his own death. I have as much of a healthy fear of mortality as any one else who can detonate a mountain with a snap, but for all his talk Kazuma seemed remarkably casual about the idea of death. Perhaps I can take comfort in that, now that he's gone. -NS
Now, obviously, I didn't stay dead. Otherwise I hardly could have written these memoirs if I had. I did, however, find myself in that circle of light again.
"Right, so, you're dead! Tough break pal!"
Someone slapped me on the back, and I was nearly knocked from my seat. I turned to see a short woman with long black hair in twintails and knockers the size of Yunyun's walk around my seat, jumping up into the one opposite mine in the circle of light.
"Let's see, you'reā¦Sato Kazuma, right?" the pint-sized goddess asked.
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Who's asking?"
The goddess frowned at me over her clipboard. "Rude little punk, aren't you?"
"Considering your height, I'd be careful who I called little. Now, which are you? Hestia, or Rista?"
"Woah there, pal, getting a little familiar, aren't we? How the heck do you know who I am? I don't have a cult or a familia in Belzerg!" Hestia snapped, pointing at me with her pen. "And Rista only lets her friends call her that! Most mortals are a little more respectful of goddesses, you know!"
"Most mortals haven't had to give Aqua a hangover cure," I said, folding my arms over my chest. "Or explain to her that we do not, in fact, have a way to charge her Switch in Belzerg. Honestly. You'd think she'd have thought to bring a solar charger or something."
That caught Hestia off guard. "Wait, you know Aqua?" she frowned back at my clipboard, paging through it. "Oh, right, you're one of those Reincarnators from Japan. Wait, it says your sacred item is...you're THAT Kazuma?!"
"Who did you think I was? There can't exactly be that many Kazuma's in Belzerg." I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Honestly. Is Eris the only competent deity around here?"
"Oh, you are so in for it now, mister! I was going to offer you heaven, but I think we're going to reincarnate you as something nasty now!" Hestia declared, clicking her pen furiously, then scribbling something down. "I don't care what you did during your mortal life! You're getting reincarnated as a donkey, because you're an ass!"
"I refuse."
Hestia paused, looking up at me and blinking. "What?"
"I said, I refuse. I'm a hero, dammit. Eris even said so! Don't I get a continue or something? I was this close to actually unlocking Yunyun's route! There has to be some sort of compensation for selflessly giving my life to save Aqua's holy city!"
That was, of course, a bunch of nonsense. I was just feeling slightly panicked at the thought of being reincarnated as an equine.
"Well, I mean, you were being a jerk to me," Hestia sniffed, folding her arms over her chest. "Why shouldn't I make you spend your next life as a donkey?"
"Seeing as I was just eaten by a Poison Slime, I'm feeling a mite traumatized," I said testily.
That made Hestia burst out into laughter. "You were eaten by a poison slime? Oh wow, and here I thought you were supposed to be a big shot hero! You lost to a weak little monster like that?!"
"If this world wasn't madder than a hatter, I would have been just fine. Turns out, instead of low level mobs, slimes in Belzerg are terrifying end game bosses that are capable of slaughtering an entire town," I sighed.
"No way. You're lying!" Hestia accused.
I shrugged. "Look it up. Isn't there a bestiary or something? I blame Aqua. Leave it to her to screw up what's fodder for level grinding and what's a terrifying evil general."
"Well, that does sound like something she would do," Hestia admitted. "Alright, give me a sec."
She pulled out a book, from where I have no idea, and flipped through it, licking her finger and running down the page. "Poison Ant, Poison Oak, Poison Sandworm...ah. Poison Slime. Oh man. What the heck, Aqua?"
"I know right?" I sighed and shook my head. "This is what I get for agreeing to chaperone a goddess. I turn my back for one second, and a general of the Devil King is loose in the city and-" I paused, then swallowed. "Er, there haven't been...that is, no one else died, right?"
"Pff, no one else died? Are you kidding?! You mortals die all the time! What do you think keeps us gods so busy all the time?" Hestia demanded.
"Not...not Yunyun, right? Or Iris? Or...god forbid, Eris is alright, isn't she?" I asked, feeling dread creep down my spine.
Hestia shook her head. "Nah, Eris is fine. I'd have noticed if a goddess died. That doesn't happen everyday. As for the other two...nope. Don't see any Yunyun's on my list. There is an Iris though."
"What!? Not my little sister!" I jumped up, feeling panicked.
"Little sister? Probably someone else. This lady was a grandma, died of old age," Hestia answered, scanning her list.
I relaxed, slumping back in my chair. "Oh well. That's fine then." I frowned, considering. "Isn't there some sort of, you know, continue option?"
"You already got the continue option," Hestia told me. "Now look, I won't reincarnate you as a donkey. I'll even let you pick. Seems like you qualified for Elysium with your stunt against the poison slime. That's a pretty sweet deal. Or, you can reincarnate. You get a pick of worlds: Belzerg, or Japan."
"I can't leave my friends! We haven't even defeated the Devil King!" I said, feeling panicked. I wasn't going to give up on my save file, not when I had over a billion banked. I had been rich! I could have lived the easy life! Never again, I swore, would I leave my house. I was returning to NEEThood.
"You...what? No, you defeated the Devil King. That's how Aqua earned her vacation time," Hestia said, frowning at me.
"No we haven't! There's still one General left!" I said desperately. "Wiz the lich! We were going to resurrect her as a mortal human, then assault the Devil King's fortress!'
No such assault had been planned. I was sort of hoping Chris, or maybe Mitsurugi would handle that problem, and I could retire. It was a shame I'd have to do it far away from Yunyun, as even if she said she forgave me I was certain that wasn't the case. Maybe I could try and sneak into the village, win her over somehow. The thought of returning to the NEET life was good, but, well, without Yunyun...somehow it didn't seem the same. Probably just after death melancholy really.
"Are you...you're telling the truth!" Hestia gasped. "Oh, that dirty rotten bimbo! She snookered me! She's goofing off when she should be sending more Adventurers to beat the Devil King!"
"Well, why don't you send me back? I think my record is pretty clear: I've defeated several generals," I lied, giving Hestia a winning smile.
"No can do: your body's gone. Dissolved. Anyway, sending back someone who's already been resurrected is against the rules," Hestia explained. "It's Elysium or-"
There was a sudden banging sound, and Hestia and I both jumped in our seats.
"Oh thank me, you're not gone yet!" Aqua's panicked voice called into the void. "Look, Kazuma, hurry, before Rista or Hestia find you! I've totally screwed up again! It was bad enough when I sent Eris here, but now everyone's going to find out the Devil King isn't dead! Come on, there should be a door, get through it before-"
"Oh Aqua," Hestia said sweetly. "Did you really think you could trick me? Thought I wouldn't find out about the Devil King still being around, did you?"
Aqua let out a strangled sob. However, I spied a door, and began to inch towards it.
"Not so fast, mister!" Hestia snapped, jumping up and baring my way. "I'm not going to let you through there! Two lives is enough!"
"But, but, you have to!" I pleaded. "Aqua's made a way! I can go back!"
Hestia shook her head. "No way. I'm not helping that screw-up any more. You-"
Aqua's sniffling was interrupted by a sudden squawk of outrage, then I heard a familiar voice.
"Kazuma! Kazuma, can you hear me? Y-you have to come back! Please! You're my friend! I'm not mad, anymore, I promise!"
"Yunyun!" I surged forward, bowling over Hestia and grabbing the handle on the door. It was locked, and I rattled it fiercely. It didn't work, and I stepped back, then rammed my shoulder into the door. The door rattled, and I winced from my sore shoulder, but I had to get through. I tried again, crashing into the door so hard I rebounded and landed flat on my rear.
"I...I'm coming, Yunyun!" I wailed, jumping up and straining to open the door. "I'm sorry! I won't leave you, not again!"
Hestia walked over, but instead of being furious, she looked curious. "You know that girl? Friend of yours?"
"Yes!" I said, and realised I was weeping. I suppose the idea of staying dead must have been getting to me. That, or I was overcome by the pain of trying to knock down a door with my shoulder. Only Iris can get away with that sort of idiocy. "I mean, no! Look, she's not-we're friends, but...but I love her! She's, we, look, I hurt her, badly, and I can't just leave her! I have to make it right!"
I slumped against the door, feeling drained. "But...but if she's alright...I guess...even if I can never tell her I love her...how much she means to me...as long as Yunyun's OK...do whatever you want."
"Uh-huh," Hestia said, nodding slowly. "True love?"
"Oh don't be silly. There's no such thing as true love," I snapped. But, then, I relented. "If there was though...she'd be the one for me. I'm just glad I was able to stop Hans before she got hurt. I've caused her enough pain. I don't deserve her."
"You're one lucky son of a bitch, Kazuma," Hestia grumbled. "If only Bell was half as dedicated as you are." She reached out a hand, and I closed my eyes, expecting to wake up as a baby, or in a boring cloud scape playing a harp or something equally asinine.
Instead, I heard a click. I jumped up, watching as the door swung open. My eyes jerked to Hestia, and she sighed. "Look, I'll cover for you, just this once. There ain't enough love in this world, let me tell you. So you go make this Yunyun happy, you hear? And for crying out loud, try to keep Aqua from screwing up again! Make her go deal with that pain in the ass Devil King!"
"You got it," I agreed, and jumped through the door, into the void. I can't believe I managed to trick another goddess, either. Must be a talent of mine.
The next thing I knew, I was gasping for breath as I tried to sit up, but something was pressing down on me. I blinked my eyes back into focus, but I couldn't see anything, something was covering my eyes. Then I was jerked up right, and I found my face centimeters from Yunyun's.
"Sorry it took me so long," I wheezed. "Had a bit of a hang up on the other side. What happened?"
Tears were streaming down Yunyun's face, but she managed to smile. "You...you saved us all, Kazuma. The soap you had on you weakened Hans just enough for Iris to finish the job. She and Iris recovered your bones, and brought them to Aqua. She...she managed to bring you back."
"That's because I'm a super amazing and talented goddess! A resurrection spell is easy for someone like me," Aqua bragged, giving me a wink and a grin.
"Thank you," I whispered, closing my eyes and squeezing Yunyun tightly. She squeezed me back, and for a moment, we just sat there in the street, clinging to one another.
Then, I did perhaps the only really brave thing I've ever done in my entire life.
"Yunyun," I whispered, moving my hand up to cup her cheek. "I...when I was dead...the only regret I had...it was how I treated you, lied to you. And...and that I never told you...I love you, Yunyun. More than anything else in the entire world. You're worth far more than any coronatite, no matter big it is."
"Kazuma, I-" I felt my heart sink as tears filled Yunyun's eyes. This was it. I'd failed, and gotten the bad ending.
"I love you too."
Then I kissed her, and, wonder of wonders, she kissed me back.
I couldn't believe it. Still can't, to this day. I'd done so much wrong. By rights, I should have gotten the bad ending a dozen times over. Despite everything, somehow, I got the good ending. It would be a while before I got my H scene, but I can safely say the wait was worth it.
We finally separated, grinning like loons at one another. That is, until we both turned to glare at Iris, who was making retching sounds as she screwed up her face.
"Oh hush," Eris said, elbowing the princess in the side. "I've been trying to get them to get them together for ages. Let me enjoy this."
"Are they going to be like this all the time? Because this is super gross," Iris complained, wrinkling her nose.
"Oh, don't be so sure about that. You might enjoy it in a year or two," Eris said, patting Iris on the head, much to her irritation.
"No, I'm never getting married. I thought I was going to keep Adventuring with Big Bro forever, but if he and Yunyun keep this up I'm finding a new party," Iris sniffed. "What about you, Megumin?"
"I have decided I do not need to be mad at Kazuma anymore," she said loftily. Then giggled and winked at Yunyun. "I told you Kazuma would make a great consort for you!"
I glanced around, and realized that not only were all my friends and companions watching me, but a sizeable portion of the town seemed to have turned out to watch Yunyun and I's first kiss.
"Oh hell," I muttered, going scarlet. "Can't a man have some privacy?"
"Wait, I thought Kazuma was gay?" someone from the crowd called.
"Are you dumb?" Aqua asked. The irony was not lost on me. "Does Yunyun look like a boy? All love is good in the Axis Church! Even if it's between a NEET and a loli!"
"Now hold on just a damned minute, Yunyun is a woman, not a child!" I protested. I mean, she's a few years younger than me, but she was 15 dammit! That's not a kid!
"And Kazuma isn't a NEET," Eris pointed out. "He's not had a day at home in ages."
"Too bloody right," I muttered, which made Yunyun giggle. I coughed. "Well. I think I'll have a bit of a lie in tomorrow, if no one minds. Being dead is rather taxing."
As it turned out, I woke up early anyway, but I had breakfast with Yunyun, so that was alright. I did take the day easy though, having a relaxing massage. The waters, unfortunately, were no longer a hot spring. Aqua had been required to purify the waters after Hans contamination. But, as Eris helpfully pointed out, that made all of the waters in Alcanretia incredibly potent holy water. Which does wonders for aches and pains if you take a soak in it, not to mention being rather excellent at destroying demons and undead. Which led us to poor Wiz.
It turned out, Rista and Hestia were both a mite upset with Aqua for snookering them into letting her take a vacation. That is, until Eris admitted she'd engineered the whole thing, right down to getting Tet to send Aqua a fake notification that she'd won an all expenses paid get away. Tet, being the Elder God of Games, found the whole thing hilarious. He's quite an excellent fellow, even if he does bloody well cheat at Smash. I'll prove it someday, just you watch. No one is that good with Lucas.
Everyone, it seemed, owed Eris a few favors, despite her only being a junior goddess and Ristarte and Aqua being Senior Goddesses, while Hestia is a junior as well. I'm a bit vague on what it all means, but honestly it makes the Divine Realm sound like some sort of Multi Level Marketing Scheme. Regardless, Eris was leveraging those favors now, and, reluctantly, Aqua and the others agreed to help with Wiz's resurrection ceremony.
Honestly, it sounds more interesting than it was. Eris and Aqua dunked Wiz's phylactery in a pool of the newly created holy water. It was actually pretty disturbing, as Wiz screamed in pain, then dissolved. However, Aqua recreated her body out of the water, reforming it perfectly in mere moments. Then, Hestia and Ristarte, who had been waiting on the other side to scoop up Wiz's soul, let her back into her mortal vessel once more.
"Oh!" Wiz gasped, jerking upright, her expression haunted. Then she smiled, her entire face lighting up like I'd never seen before. "I...oh my. I can breathe again!"
She jumped up, and Yunyun covered my eyes. Rather unfortunate, that, as Wiz was naked as a jaybird. While Yunyun might be the best looking woman on this planet or any other, Wiz is no eyesore, especially not back then.
"I'm alive!" Wiz cried, splashing about in delight. "I'm alive again!"
"We're very happy for you," Yunyun said, sounding flustered and a little irritated.. "But, um, could you put some clothes on?"
I was allowed to see again once Wiz was fully clothed. She went around giving everyone hugs, wrapping them in her arms and laughing. For some reason, when she got to me, she gave me a quick little squeeze of the hands and then went on to Yuki and Darkness. I glanced at Yunyun, but she only smiled at me and wrapped herself around my arm.
That was when I learned something important: I was tagged. The only other females who were ever allowed to hug me from then on were either old women or little girls. Yunyun never explicitly threatened violence, aside from that one time, but I wasn't the only person who was very much aware that she is capable of reducing just about anything to so much ash. Even Iris caught a clue right about the time she turned fourteen, and she's not afraid of anyone.
Oh well. I suppose I wouldn't have known what to do with a harem if I had one anyway.
Even in later years, it was always amusing to watch women rapidly retreat from Kazuma when they caught the look in Yunyun's eyes when she saw him looking at them. It's the same reason I was a very well behaved child, where she could see me. I am quite certain Kazuma was faithful to her, and likely of his own volition. It was both touching and a tad gross to see the two of them fawn over one another, even though they were both old and wrinkly by the time I came along. -NS
