Illusion is Reality

Chapter 63

-Proof it's me-

The house has been quiet since the kids moved out. Without a need to check on them and take care of them, I found myself with a lot of free time.

I was checking my transdimentional Tumblr blog. Still amazed I got that to work. It was weird. I couldn't access most of it. Just follow a few people and see their blog posts. Getting connected with a few other Bill Ciphers from other dimensions was a plus. How cool was that?

I've been able to speak with BlueBill about all sorts of fun stuff. And not fun stuff. Still, I check my Mindscape everyday to make sure nothing bad was happening, double check my security and I think I might actually be ready to attempt another trip into the Void of Doors at some point. I was curious how Seb was doing and whether or not his brothers have made it back. Well, a trip for another time I suppose.

I scrolled through my messages. Things were pretty quiet. I checked for asks and read through a few posts before switching off to check the news. I don't normally bother with the news but Hectorgon has been trying to talk me into doing that as part of my internet dailies. I suppose I might as well. Federation raid of a temple worshiping me, treaties between Acjts and Grrukd, a new king was crowned on Ployu, scandal in Dimension M...

I froze at the next article. It wasn't a major headline, just a small blurb. I nearly scrolled past it.

It finally happened.

After all these years.

Anime Conventions are a thing in the multiverse.

Keyhole jumped when I suddenly went flying all around the house, screaming in joy. He smiled awkwardly when I flew back to him and picked him up to swing around at high speeds. "Bill?!" He yelped.

"We're gonna go to an anime con!" I squealed progressively louder. "Yes! Yes! YES!"

I dropped Keyhole onto the couch and laughed hysterically as I tumbled through the air. He wobbled and collapsed, groaning. "That's...great Bill…"

I went back on my laptop and immediately signed us up for it. I wanted to invite the kids too but Pyrone was still on his honeymoon. Pynelope was busy with her internship on Jainlew with the Nebulic Times. I'm surprised newspapers are even still a thing. Ammy floated into the room. "What is mother so excited about?" he asked Keyhole.

"Bill wants to go to an anime convention."

"That sounds cool. I wasn't aware anime was well known enough for people to host conventions on the subject matter." Ammy helped Keyhole steady himself when he nearly toppled over again.

"I need to get our cosplays together! Oh! And check what panels they have-!" My Com-device rang. Specifically, Miz's Com. I groaned and checked to see if Google was here. Nope, she went out to buy groceries. Shouldn't be back for another few hours. Hm...maybe I SHOULD just put her under a Deal of secrecy?

I dropped back onto the couch as Miz with my Com to my ear. "Wassup?"

I frowned. "Oh? Really? But why wasn't I told of this before? You...ok...no I understand. Yes I can make it. I just wish you guys gave me more than just a 1 month notice...well yes I DO know the info for the Convention only just came out...no it's fine really. Yes. I'm gonna be there. Ok. Thank you."

I hung up my Com and sighed. Ammy flopped onto the couch beside me. "What is it mother?"

"It's nothing. I was invited as a special guest to the Convention. They want me to talk about my books and upcoming anime adaptation." I slumped over. I'm starting to wonder if this was all worth it? Making multiple identities with their own duties and jobs? It was fun back when I had nothing to occupy my time but I've got my children now.

And I was getting close to fully securing my Mindscape despite all the problems that have cropped up along the way. The new ward I've drawn up using Spud's symbol helped more than I thought it would. Apparently whatever thing was trying to get in didn't enjoy being pelted by potatoes.

Ax won't help me with this because he doesn't want me going through my Exit. He hasn't tried to stop me, just told me that I was on my own if I really wanted to put myself at risk like this. I think he was trying to guilt me into behaving.

Speaking of, I asked him again if he had a prophecy for me yet. He told me that when I turned one trillion he would tell me.

-When you reach your trillionth year, I will tell you...everything-

That sounded pretty ominous...but I'm sure he was just being dramatic. Wow, my own fate altering prophecy. What sort of birthday present was that? I'm rather upset that I don't know when my birthday is. I suppose Ax is counting my period of existence from the day he first found me. Don't know what he was using to measure the years.

My human birthday was in October but Galactic Standard time did not gave months like that. We were currently (depending on which dimension we were in) on the 25th day of Krmpvb Glv in the year 2348258317. Didn't exactly roll off the tongue. I wondered if I should simply ask Ax what my ''birth' day is.

I realized how far my thought process had slipped and shook my head. Right. Anime Con. I'm a speaker. A guest who was invited because enough people were fans of my comic to warrant it. I frowned. I haven't really considered that. I knew there were people who liked my work. Jessie even allowed my stuff to be in the library at the temple.

Jan had fans. Xin had worshipers. Heck, Bill had worshipers. I pretty much ignored Miz's affairs for the most part. I used her form for fun. For my creative pursuits when I had free time from my other duties (and for bother Jessie). I hadn't really thought about her fans. I appreciated them but I never thought they would like me enough that they wanted to invite me as a guest speaker. It was a little scary.

Despite what most people thought, I was not a good public speaker.

I could...fake it well enough. I HAD to after all. But talking to clients or putting on a show was very different from sitting in front of an audience where everyone was watching me, expecting things from me. Ugh...

Well, no helping it. I was invited and I had a job to do. Which means I will have to split off a MizMe to sit at the panel while the BillMe got to play at the convention. I could do this. I even had the perfect cosplay in mind…

"Bill...do we really need to be here?" Hectorgon sighed. "And...do you have to dress like that?"

"I don't see what's wrong with my cosplay. It's not any weirder than my dresses." I shrugged. I even got stopped by a few fellow nerds for a photo. Hectorgon, dressed as my Trainer, groaned. "It's just...your eye is so dilated…"

"Because I'm so excited!" I squealed. Sparkles appeared around me and I hear more cameras going off. Remember that thing where people don't recognize me without my top hat and bow tie? Yeah, that's what's happening right now. I couldn't help but wave my hands and start playing a song, a huge screen appearing midair in the middle of the central hub of the building and displaying the music video. It was appropriate ok?!

Kryptos was hiding his face and trying very hard to pretend he didn't know me. PaciFire was gasping at the very familiar looking pink pony. "Is THAT what you turned me into?!" I was too busy laughing and flying off to explore the panels to listen though.

Several rooms away, I sat in front of a mic and tried hard not to faint from nerves. I wasn't the only guest speaker, thank Ax, so the pressure on me wasn't as bad as it could have been. I checked my cosplay to make sure I looked ok.

I checked out the other guests. There was a cat-like creature with tendrils in place of whiskers who was flipping through a page of notes. He was Felik Simmons, a director who made anime like Rain Machine Hunters (an epic adventure story with sand pirates!) and Mewa-Haw-Mewmew (an artistic piece of surrealist absurdism that reminded me a LOT of an anime film called Cat Soup from my first life). I'm actually a fan of Rain Machine Hunters so I kinda wanted to talk to him but he was so stern and dignified I was afraid to fangirl all over him. I looked to my other side and saw a Protractor shaped Polytool. That was Osmic, director of Don't Bang your Sister (a romantic comedy involving a boy who finds out he's actually an Incubus)...it was an ok series. Not really to my taste but 8-Ball loved it.

When I introduced Anime into the multiverse, I only introduced Anime itself. Not Manga, not Light Novels. So almost all Anime produced and distributed through the multiverse were TV original stories. I was the only person here who WASN'T an animation director. I'm a comic book artist whose work was going to be made into an anime. I already had the contract signed and the production company was still in the middle of story boarding. This was a project that would take years to finish. Expensive too, but I had some...financial support from anonymous fans (funds from Bill's account) to help keep this passion project going.

I am not a director. Nor is my comic a finished story. Every volume can technically be counted as 'the end' until my next book comes out so the anime for my comic was only going to adapt the first three books as a Season One sort of thing. The director I was working with was a Mitoian herm named Krisris. Cool gal, very blunt. She was all about cool action shots and interesting framing so I think my comedy slice of life comic is going to become an overly dramatic one. Which is fine, I just hoped people liked the anime. Krisris's other directing experience was with the Jujaga series. Which was pretty much an alien version of Gundam.

In fact, Krisris was here too. I waved at her and she convulsed her large vertical mouth parts at me. I took a deep breath. Ok. I can do this.

Back with the other me, I was signing us all up for the Karaoke contest. Keyhole told me he was too afraid to go up on stage and that he couldn't sing, to which I stared him in the eye and told him he was beautiful, his voice was beautiful, and nuts to anyone who thought otherwise. A random guy walking past laughed and said "He sounds like the air escaping a ruptured squiggly splooch!"

"NUTS TO YOU!"

"Bill…why is it raining scrotums?!" Pyronica shrieked. I huffed. "Not just ANY scrotums! They're HIS!" Shit, this guy was a regenerator. He was screaming in pain as my Curse tore off his balls and every time they grew back (which took like, two seconds) my Curse would reactivate and tear them off again. Hence the rain of nut sacks. It…was actually pretty gross.

"Yeesh! I only meant to castrate the guy…" I muttered as I formed a shield to block the rather disgusting rain of body parts. Keyhole sighed. "Bill, it's fine. He's just a jerk. I'm sure he's learned his lesson."

I pouted but cancelled my Curse when Keyhole gave me a pleading look. The unfortunate man sobbed as he lay on the ground, surrounded by a multitude of scrotums. Pyronica picked me up and raced away. "I can't believe I'm saying this but, let's go do some nerd stuff instead!" She muttered.

So, we got out of there before security arrived and spent some time in the Artist's room squeeing over the merchandise. Pyronica tried to shoplift from every booth but I dragged her back and made her return them or pay for them. She was very annoyed but I told her, in no uncertain terms, that we do not steal from artists who worked hard to make their crafts. I wondered if I should have a booth here for next year's Convention.

Even as I tried to barter down the price for a cute hat at one of the booths, the other me was trying to answer questions about how long it would take for my anime to come out. It was a little difficult to keep both conversations going all at once. I hoped I didn't screw this up.

Good news. The panel went great.

Bad news. The convention was on fire.

It wasn't even our fault this time.

Pyronica groaned. "I swear, I really didn't do it." I patted her back. "I know. You're actually, really innocent this time." I scowled. Seriously? Of all the dumb things to happen…

So a bunch of Jan-Jan fans had gathered and tried to play his songs on a Wub-Cart as some kind of unsanctioned concert. The people running the convention didn't have the money to actually hire Jan-Jan (Ivanlock had raised my prices again, well, inflation was a thing so I can't really blame him?) and it was all in good fun until someone tried to throw fire around to truly simulate a Jan-Jan concert. As you can guess, things didn't end well.

"I barely managed to get all my shopping done!" I wailed. The Artist Alley and the Dealer's Hall didn't burn down, but the smoke forced everyone to evacuate. I clutched my bags of impulse purchases.

Did I find it super weird there are body pillows with drawings of a half naked Jan-Jan? Yes. Did I buy one anyway? Yes.

I also got a body pillow of Gazette, another popular idol. I actually met her once. To put it in simple terms, she was a space mermaid. Gills, blue skin, large black eyes and a mouth filled with needle-like teeth. Our managers got a duet show planned out together and I do admit I had fun. Seriously though, she's really cool. The body pillow I bought of her was actually quite tasteful.

Then there were the figurines of the cast of Rain Machine Hunter, Those Little Ponies, Seeker X Seeker and a bunch of other anime and cartoons I liked. I spent way too many Credits here. Ammy told me I was too eager for this. Of course I am! I've been waiting years for anime to be a thing that conventions could happen around. I sighed. Well. At least the day went well up until the fire.

I stared incredulously at the TV. On it was the news about the fire and the question of "Are Space Idol Jan-Jan's shows a terrible influence on the younger generation?"

"That's bullshit! Pyrotechnics during a show are a STYLISTIC choice! Only idiots would actually go around setting fires with no safety precautions! They can't blame m-Jan for that!" I raged at the TV as we all sat around eating our meal. Keyhole patted my back. "Don't worry Bill. They can't persecute Jan-Jan without facing a huge fan backlash."

My Com went off. Jan's Com. I was expecting it. "S'cuse me…" I Blinked away to my penthouse room, all my stuff stashed here. I shifted into Jan's form even as I lounged on my bed, cuddling the pillow of myself. "Yes Ivan, I saw the news."

I groaned as Ivanlock ranted. "Yes, I know! Well I can't very well stop my-ok. Fine. Yes. I will go to the interview. Oh please~a scandal? How long have we known each other? Ok. I get it! Uugh…"

I hung up and rubbed my eyelids. Really? I'M the bad influence? The Cr wling Chaos eat like...20 audience members EVERY show. And no one gave a fuck about THEM because they're an edgy corruption band so they're EXPECTED to do that. I scowled into my pillow. And now I had to go to an interview and try to defend myself.

My sternum buzzed. A summoning? From Time Baby?

I shifted back into Bill and Blinked away to the Time Room (fuck it! Why did he have to name everything with the word TIME in it?!) to see what he wanted. Ugh. If I didn't have a mental planner that marked down what events/plans I had to do in my schedule (organized by which Me it applied to) I wouldn't be able to keep track of them all.

Speaking of which, I had a meeting with Krisris tomorrow to discuss the hiring of voice actors for our show.

I showed up in front of Time Baby with a sigh. "What's up?"

"I NEED YOU TO GET RID OF SPACE IDOL JAN-JAN."

I blinked. Rubbed my eye and asked "Excuse me?"

"I HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING FOR YEARS AND I STILL CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHAT HE IS OR WHERE HE CAME FROM! BUT HE'S BEEN CAUSING DISRUPTIONS IN THE TIME STREAM DESPITE SOMEHOW NOT TRIGGERING ANY TIME DILATIONS AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!"

I stared at him incredulously. "In...what way has he messed with time?" I wasn't aware of anything like that. Time Baby scowled. "MUSIC LIKE THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE INVENTED FOR ANOTHER FEW MILLION YEARS! MORE THAN THAT, THE PEOPLE WHO ATTEND HIS SHOWS GET SO HORNY THERE'S A GODDAMN BABY BOOM AFTER EACH OF HIS SHOWS!"

I choked. "ExCUSE me?!"

I only had a concert every couple of years, less now than back when I first started. Perhaps once every 10-15 years though that's not set it stone. The concerts happened whenever I felt like it. And, yes, I had noticed a high level of Lust in the air during my concerts but I hadn't thought about the implications of couples coming to my shows together, getting aroused by my performance and…having some after show fun…

I whimpered as I flushed heavily. This was so embarrassing to think about. But at the same time I kinda wanted to watch them do it. Damn I'm messed up.

Wait.

I turned to Time Baby. "You want me...to kill Jan-Jan?" I wasn't sure if I should laugh or not. Time Baby scowled. "I HAVE FOUND SOME OF MY EMPLOYEES HUMMING HIS SONGS. IT'S VERY DISTRACTING."

"..."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I could simply refuse but…I had to point this out.

"You knowing killing him would just make him more popular? That's sort of how it works. Once he's dead his manager would be able to market his songs even more without his consent and plaster Jan's image and songs onto everything until he's even bigger and more distracting?" I had been limiting Ivanlock and refusing most promotions because I didn't want to get any bigger. It was fun to have worshipers/fans but it was intimidating as fuck and getting out of control.

Time Baby scrunched up his face. I rolled my eye and explained. "If I kill Jan-Jan, the backlash of his sudden, tragic death would make people go 'Oh no! We lost him too soon! He was a true artist!' and they would memorialize him and celebrate him and play his songs everywhere while your officers would mourn and sing his songs…"

"OK! FINE! I GET IT!"

"...not to mention the uprising when people find out YOU ordered the hit on him because I'm not gonna keep quiet about THIS one..." because no one would believe Bill Cipher would willingly kill Jan-Jan. My love for music was well known and people have seen me singing Jan's songs while I'm out and about. Killing Jan would be the last thing Bill Cipher would do, heck, I actually had Ivan and some other people warning me (as Jan) that Bill Cipher might try to kidnap me to keep as his personal bird in a cage.

"I GET IT. YOU CAN SHUT UP NOW." Time Baby grumbled. Feeling a little bad I asked "I can try to make Jan be less disruptive? If you can tell me what the heck he's doing wrong?"

"I'M JUST ANGRY AT MY STAFF FOR SNEAKING AWAY FROM THEIR JOBS TO SECRETLY LISTEN TO MUSIC. AND THE POPULATION PROBLEM."

"Ok, that first part is all on you. Maybe if you allowed them to listen to music while on the job? No offense but half of their job is just to stand around and look intimidating. Must get quiet and boring. Like, allow them to play music quietly on their S-pods with one earbud?"

"I WILL TAKE YOUR SUGGESTION INTO CONSIDERATION."

"And I can see about devouring all the Lust that gets generated at his concerts so the people attending will no long be quite so...addled." Ugh. Which means I'm going to be horny as fuck after a concert now. At least I can store the emotions I suck up to either experience later (in the privacy of my changing room) or expel it out as a Nightmare…

...Probably shouldn't go with that 2nd option. I might create more Succubi or Incubi into the world and that would be problematic...ugh. I was having enough trouble with the Penis Planet. Thank Ax the few Incubus I created there for my experiments seem to be taking safety precautions and were more or less uninterested in using their powers for evil. I resigned myself to the 1st option and blushed. It was going to be...eh…

Well, I haven't really jerked off in a while. It shouldn't be too bad…

I groaned. The things I did to keep an amicable relationship with my douche bag brother.

"So, now that that's settled. Does this still count as a Deal?" I asked. It was only fair to ask, I always did. Time Baby hummed. "I SUPPOSE I OWE YOU THAT MUCH. BUT NOT FOR THIS, THERE WAS ANOTHER ASSIGNMENT I HAD FOR YOU."

"Oh goodie." I said sarcastically.

Ignoring, or not noticing my tone, Time Baby's symbol glowed and an image appeared in the air between us, much like my projections. "THERE HAS BEEN A TEAR IN REALITY. IT HASN'T GROWN TOO LARGE BUT IT IS DANGEROUS." He looked at me seriously. "I WOULDN'T ASK THIS OF YOU GENERALLY BECAUSE YOUR DESTRUCTIVE NATURE JUST MAKES THINGS WORSE FOR DELICATE SITUATIONS BUT IN THIS CASE, I FIND MYSELF IN NEED OF YOUR UNIQUE SKILLS."

"What is it?" I stared at the image. Wait. I recognized it. "Isn't that...Gravity Falls?"

"IT IS THE AREA THAT WILL SOMEDAY BECOME GRAVITY FALLS." Time Baby confirmed. "IT HAS BEEN DRAWING IN THE ENERGIES FROM EVERY DIMENSION THAT DAMN SHIP PUNCHED THROUGH. I HAVE REPAIRED AS MANY HOLES AS I CAN BUT THERE'S A LEAK FROM SOMEWHERE I CANNOT REACH."

I knew exactly what he was talking about.

The Nightmare Realm.

"So you need me to close the opening?" I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Without Weirdness energy leaking into the valley...would Gravity Falls even come to exist? I couldn't, wouldn't do something that might sabotage the creation of my own Gravity Falls. A GF without weirdness…

"I NEED YOU TO STABILIZE THE HOLE."

My eye shot up to his. "What?"

He frowned. "NORMALLY, I WOULD CLOSE AND PLUG EVERY HOLE IN REALITY BUT THIS…" he sighed. "THIS AREA IS...ODD. THE MAGNETISM IN THE AREA WOULD ACTUALLY TEAR THE LAND APART IF IT DIDN'T HAVE ALL THAT ENERGY LEAKAGE. THE LIFE IN THAT VALLEY NEEDS WEIRDNESS TO LIVE."

He seemed quite upset about that. "DON'T MAKE THE HOLE ANY BIGGER. JUST...STABILIZE IT. AND MAKE SURE YOUR MONSTROSITIES DON'T GET INSIDE."

I considered it. Yeah. I can do that. I reached out my hand and we shook on the Deal. What a strange request. All the same...I couldn't help an odd feeling. Time Baby was...trusting me to do this. Trusting me not to tear the hole wider and flood the Earth with my chaos. I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

I built a barrier around the hole to keep Nightmares away and tried my best to brace it. How does one stabilize a hole in reality? With Cosmic Duct Tape of course! Cosmic Duct Tape! For all your adhesive needs! Short of actually stitching the hole closed, this was the best solution. I've plugged up other holes in the Nightmare Realm with this shit. There were multiple tiny holes that open and close periodically but this damn thing had a 5 meter radius. Way too big. I actually stitched some of the edges to shrink the hole into a more manageable size. Much nicer.

I say hole but this wasn't anything physical. It allowed for Weirdness energy to leak into GF slowly and steadily, the size simply made it so the barrier between the two dimensions wouldn't actually collapse into each other. If I ever had a transdimentional portal built...it would open here, the weakest area between our layers of reality...welp. That's probably not gonna happen, I don't think?

My job done, it was time to deal with my other job. And my other, other job. Why do I do this to myself?

I fussed with my shirt, a modest tunic as opposed to my usual sheer, sparkly fabrics. Ivanlock had considered a full suit and tie but felt that would ruin my image as a free-spirit (funny how he promotes me as such while also wanting to control my every aspect) and I agreed simply because I didn't care either way.

Hm. Jan in a fancy suit...I might try that out in front of a mirror after this.

I greeted the people politely as Ivan and I walked in. Am I nervous? A little bit. I was going to be on the universal news. I'm fine with performing on camera, but speaking and defending myself? I wasn't sitting down for a quiet interview that would be written down, this was a live broadcast. What if I mess up? What if I say something wrong and ruin Jan-Jan's reputation?

It would be sad to lose my fans. I liked feeling their regard. Ivanlock told me to stay quiet and let him talk. Normally I would protest but I wasn't sure what to do so I shrugged and told him I would be quiet unless I got directly asked something. We sat down and the lady hosting this show, a Dun-Mich with unusually large pectoral fins, raised her third arm and cracked her wrist, which was how her species smiled since they didn't have mouths. Instead, they vocalized through an air tube that grew out of their spines.

"Hello Jan-Jan. It's an honor to have you on my show." She greeted me. "My name is Shwuip." I smiled back by raising a hand and flicking my own wrist in greeting. Ivanlock seemed surprised I knew how to greet a Dun-Mich properly. She chatted with me about mundane topics, just to fill time while we waited to go live. Ivanlock was staring at me worriedly the whole time but I didn't say anything problematic. Still, he motioned for me to be quiet as the show started.

"Hello audience. It's Shwuip with the Star to Star evening show. Joining me tonight, a very special guest, Space Idol Jan-Jan himself!"

I waved cheerfully. "Hello." Ivanlock held up a tentacle and waved for me to quiet down. I pouted but did so. Right, I was supposed to let him do damage control. "So we're here to discuss the issue of your fanbase and their…habits of mimicking your performances and causing destruction."

I opened my mouth to launch a rebuttal but Ivan slaps one of his many arms against it and smiled charmingly at our hostess. "Well, Jan has never asked for his fans to emulate him and thus we cannot be blamed for their actions."

"Mmph? Mmph!"

"Ah…well, there are some who say that as the most popular entertainer currently in the public eye, Jan has a responsibility to be a good role model." Shwuip gave Ivanlock a weird look at how he was obviously preventing me from speaking. I crossed my arms and grumbled against the squishy appendage. Dammit, now I'm hungry and had to stop myself from taking a bite out of Ivan's arm.

Shit, I should make Takoyaki on my next cooking show.

Sufficiently distracted, Ivan was able to answer a couple more questions our hostess sent my way without me protesting. Shwuip was outright frowning now. Her displeasure made clear from the way her tendrils were twisting. "Many of us have wondered why Jan has such long pauses between his concerts?"

"Well Jan actually has quite a delicate constitution. He is generally too worn out from his performance, since he puts his all into every show, and has to rest and recover for quite a while." Ivan bullshittted. Well…to be fair, if I was a normal fire elemental, throwing around as much power as I did during just one of my performances WOULD probably knock me into a coma for at least a few months after a show. It was also a much better answer than 'Jan vanishes for years at a time and I have no idea where he disappears to.'

So…I let it slide. It was a decent excuse anyway.

I was quickly growing bored and starting to nod off. They were talking about boring things by this point. What was Jan's feelings about his popularity? ("He is very grateful to his fans for their support.") What did Jan do in his spare time while recovering between concerts? (He works on the line up for which songs to perform at his next show.") Should Jan stop the fire shows for the sake of his health? ("As long as he gets proper rest and care, it shouldn't be a problem.") Where did Jan go whenever he was recovering? ("He stays home to rest.") How was Jan still as young now as he was years ago? ("He is an immortal.") Did that mean Jan was actually a god? ("Jan is a demi-god. The support and love of his fans sustain him.") How does Jan get all the special effects to work? ("The fire and music are part of his natural abilities as a fire-based musical deity.") I was amazed by his bullshitting skills…but otherwise, boring~

I only realized I fell asleep when I fell off my chair. I blinked, dazed, up at the panicking crew of the news show, who were convinced I was still recovering from my last concert and was dying. It would have been hilarious if I weren't surrounded by frantically screaming people. Actually, scratch that, it was FUCKING HILARIOUS. Ivanlock picked me up and actually looked so scared I had to hold back a snort.

"Jan?! Are you alright?" He asked. I blinked at him slowly, shaking off my drowsiness. "I'm fine." I assured him but everyone still seemed quite worried. They carried me back onto the couch and I heard someone calling for medical assistance while someone else called for them to cut the camera feed. Ivanlock was holding one of my hands worriedly. I couldn't help but catch his emotional state 'Fear' 'Worry' and a thought of 'Don't die before I can get a proper recording of all your songs to sell for a profit!'

Typical Ivan.

"I'm fine! Really!" I protested as the Healer came in to check me over. They checked my pulse, temperature, heartbeat and etc. Of course, since no one knew what my species was, they had no idea what was baseline 'healthy' for me. Still, they scolded Ivanlock for dragging me to this interview and told me to get home and get some rest. Shwuip was very apologetic for making me come at the cost of my health. Despite all my protests to the contrary "I'm FINE!" they simply refused to hear my excuses "I just nodded off! It happens!"

This last excuse cause them all to worry more. "You fall unconscious randomly? Often?!"

And considering that with a Dreamscape installed, I really DID just drop unconscious randomly when I got tired without realizing it…erm…yeah, I couldn't even lie my way out of that.

I have been awake for far too long. Having a Dreamscape installed meant I could actually fall asleep when my body remained awake for a certain amount of time and frankly, I tend to lose track of it, which resulted in me just…up and nodding off because I forgot that I actually hadn't slept in a few days.

Look, I've been busy! I'm a busy guy with lots of stuff to do! Xin's farm planets were in the process of cultivating a new type of fruit that was like an apple but they changed flavors as you chewed on them, Miz still had to work out some of the script and writing for her upcoming anime and I needed to meet with a small, newly formed band named Crescendolls about having them open for my next show. I've seen a few of their performances in small bars and clubs that Pyronica took me to and I thought getting the exposure at one of my concerts would be a great way to promote them.

Maybe I should ditch the false Dreamscape for a while.

Ivanlock now seemed convinced his bullshit excuse for my absence between concerts was actually true. He asked me what the heck I did between concerts and refused to let me leave until I answered. I admitted to feeling a little bad for worrying him so I honestly told him I spent most of my time at home, living with my adoptive family and planning my next show. He seemed surprised that I actually bothered to plan my performances.

…I know I play the part of the spoiled Diva a lot but I DO take my performances seriously!

Of course, Ivanlock used my collapse during the interview to stir up sympathy for me and raise Jan-Jan's reputation even more. Now I found forum posts and rumors going wild about how I was apparently suffering from poor health and was risking my life for each concert. So…ah…

Teeth laughed at me hysterically for falling asleep during an interview. Keyhole told me to sleep more often and take better care of myself. Kryptos checked me over in a frenzy before pushing me onto Xanthar and demanded for me to sleep. When I whined about how there was still some work I had to do, he, Hectorgon and Pyronica shoved plushies onto me to essentially bury me in Xanthar's arms until I finally gave in and went to sleep. Perhaps BlueBill was right about sleep being too much trouble.

I slept for a few days before I managed to sneak off and visit Earth. It's been a while since I've checked on them after all.

Illusion is Reality

Amorphous Shape Interlude

-Spin the person-

Sometimes I wonder why I exist.

Oh course I know HOW I came to exist. Or rather, I figured it out over the years. Mother discarded a piece, without much thought to it, and that piece was cracked into many pieces and became me.

Or...us? I know I am an odd existence. Mother has said most people gain a Soul from the AXOLOTL. But I am made of many souls. Possibly the souls of the people from that planet mother devoured. I've seen the old news surrounding that incident. It resonated within me as something familiar.

I, we, I have no memories from before I crawled out from the ground and was discovered by mother. What I did have was conflicting emotions and thoughts and desires. We were many and yet there was only one I. Things settled as mother gave me his flame. We solidified into one, melting together until I could speak because I chose to speak. I could make decisions, the multitudes of I all expressing what their course of action would be in an instant and we would go with the majority vote.

As the years went on, we combined more and more until sometimes I felt alone in here. There was only I and it felt so quiet as the we remained silent. But then a conflict of desires would arise and we were relieved that I wasn't alone. Mother tried hard to understand, to teach us. We appreciated that. When the time came for the decision of whether mother is mother, the collective we acted like an I and we all said yes.

Truly a testament to mother's love that I agreed with us on a decision. When asked if we loved mother as he did us, I responded with a yes. There are few things I agree with. Our love for mother is one of the few.

The other is our ire for grandfather.

I remember that if we think back, far back to the day mother found me, I had met grandfather. Mother had asked him if we were mother's child and grandfather responded no. I did not think this was important back then, we had only just met mother and mother was not mother to me back then. But years passed and we now knew that I am mother's child.

Grandfather had lied.

Mother loves grandfather. He excuses grandfather's lies and neglect. I did not understand why. We do not like grandfather. He is a liar. But mother does not listen. Mother continues to trust grandfather. We find this strange because mother hates lies. But I have learned through books about the subject that love is blind and mother ignores grandfather's faults because of love.

I do not understand. We love mother but that did not mean we were blind to his faults. Mother is violent and vicious. We find that to be in his favor. I have read that mothers are always more dangerous, especially when they have children to protect. So I see no problem with mother's rage. We remember well the day I was hurt. Mother reacted as he should. As any mother should when their child was harmed.

That is why I do not understand why people fear and blame our mother so. Why are they angry when mother is only acting as is expected? I am not mother's only child. Though mother calls the others 'Friend' his care for them is much the same as his love for us. Why then, do people shun mother for her protection of us?

Teeth says it is because mother is scary when he is angry. Teeth is afraid of giving in to his own anger at those who have wronged him.

Pyronica says it is because mother cannot be controlled. Pyronica is afraid of others dictating her actions.

Kryptos says it is because of mother's power. Kryptos is afraid of his own weakness.

Hectorgon says it is because mother goes against the Federation. Hectorgon is afraid of how much power the Federation has.

Keyhole says it is because people don't understand mother. Keyhole is afraid of not understanding his own self, he flounders to find purpose for his goals or future.

PaciFire says people fear the way mother does whatever he wants without caring what people think. PaciFire is afraid of his own desires and hides them from us.

8-Ball says people are angry because they cannot make mother work for them. 8-Ball is afraid of being used again.

Xanthar did not say anything. Xanthar cannot talk. But from what he is capable of expressing, Xanthar thinks they fear mother because they do not understand mother's kindness. Xanthar is afraid of what might have happened to him if mother had not found him on that day and took him in.

Their explanations are not incorrect, but they are bias. Yet, I do not disregard them, for these reasons ring true.

As for us, I do not know why people hate mother so. Mother is mother. He is powerful, vicious and loves us all more than anything else. What is there to fear? His faults are that he gets angry, he kills others, he loses control. But can anyone else claim to have never gotten angry? Can the Federation claim they have not killed thousands? Can anyone else claim they have not allowed their spur of the moment decisions cause them regret?

And yet, despite all of mother's faults, he does not directly lie to anyone.

Grandfather is a liar.

And yet everyone loves him. Worships him. We do not understand. I have often watched him in his tank and wished to ask why. But we know he would only lie to us. So we watch him. We have decided that I will call him out if he lies again.

"I think you won the staring contest long ago."

I twist one of my blocks to see mother. He looked amused at how I watch grandfather. "Indeed." I inform mother, for grandfather has blinked a few times while I have not done so even once. I read somewhere that those who lie will blink. "Grandfather is very bad at this." I inform mother. He shrugged. "I don't think he's playing actually."

I considered this. I closed my eyes. "I see. So grandfather doesn't even consider me an opponent." We felt somewhat irritated at this knowledge. So he wasn't going to give me the satisfaction of a proper match. Then I must find some other way to strike against him. Mother patted my back. "Come on Ammy, you've been sitting there all day. Wanna go do something fun?"

I twirled our hand around mother's. "I have no plans but I do believe your favorite show about colorful equines will be coming on shortly." Mother grinned. "Oh right. Do you wanna watch with me?"

I nodded. Bonding exercises such as these are essential to continued relationships, or so we've read. Mother sang along to the theme song. I confess I do not get this show. There are many things that do not make sense. "Why are they keeping other sentient creatures in their farm? Is that not slavery?" I question.

Mother shrugged. "I'm pretty sure the writers didn't think about the implications before they put them in." I nodded, that seemed reasonable. We watched the show quietly for a while before I had another question. "Why didn't they think about the implications before they put it in? Wouldn't the story boarding, animation and production process be more than enough time for someone on staff to point out the inherent problems of having sentient, sapient animals owning other animals?"

Mother rolled his eye. "Because they don't think about it. They're usually just focused on making something as fast as they can because animation is difficult and they're on a schedule so whatever the story boarder draws out ends up in the final draft because checking requires more work and care than most of them are being paid for." He paused "This generally means some questionable content is allowed through because no one on the team is thinking about what implications it would have with the audience based on the established world and no one has the time or energy to do research and double check anything." He paused again "Or they're just too lazy."

I nodded. Truly, mother is the greatest fountain of knowledge. We watched the show together as I continued to question everything and mother patiently explained or gave me his own interpretations of what was happening. I liked watching shows together with mother. He always took the time to answer whereas the others would sometimes grow annoyed at our incessant need to question the plot and story. Something about how I was ruining the show for them.

I liked this, spending bonding time with our mother. I floated closer to lean against his side, he brought an arm up to hug me.

As the episode ended and we changed the channels to watch some anime instead. I absently reached a hand into a storage block to pull out some chips so we could both have something to snack on while we watched.

I leaned against mother and ended up dozing off. He was warm. Comforting. I think this is how mothers are meant to be.

I awoke to find myself tucked away in my bed, the blankets neatly draped over our form. Of course. If I had the features necessary for smiling, I would do so. At most we could squint our eyes. No matter, I was quite good at expressing my content with the situation. I took this chance to look around my room. It was quite bare as I had no desire to own most objects. I enjoyed taking objects, slipping items into my blocks absently without even thinking, but owning those objects has never appealed to me.

Teeth, Keyhole and Pyronica loved to own stuff. They collected things that caught their interest. Video games, figurines, clothing...they filled their rooms with clutter. My room was sparse. A stranger who knew nothing about us would assume that perhaps mother did not give me gifts as he does to the rest of our little family. This is simply not true.

Mother has tried to give me many gifts. Once a year he will claim it is a birthday tradition to give gifts. We accept his gifts so as to not make mother unhappy. But mother, with his emphatic insight, quickly realized I did not care for the toys. So he began to give me gifts of a different nature. I enjoyed new experiences and knowledge, learning new things, seeing new things.

Now my birthday gifts involve traveling with mother to a planet I have never seen before. I am allowed a few days to run free and examine everything I would want. Mother seems to find joy in my own happiness. It is one of the many things we love about him. My room, therefore, is bare of anything that would be considered 'stuff'.

My bed is large and extravagant. Mother dotes on me so. I appreciate the soft blankets and the large mattress with which we can spread our blocks around with plenty of room to spare. The walls are colored in a vibrant pattern of many hues. Keyhole once joked that if I were to press myself against them and close our eyes, no one would tell that I was here. He is not incorrect.

I rose myself from the bed, brushing past the slowly spinning mobile above it. It has been there since I was a child. I felt no need to be rid it and mother has not taken it either. I left my room to see what has happened during my rest. Our family keeps to their own schedule, many of us sleeping while others wake. Mother requests we at least have our meals together. Mother worries that we don't eat enough.

The halls are quiet. We wonder if it is 'night'. Our wandering bring us to the garden with it's open view of the outside. Mother's power keeps the void from encroaching within the house and we stop to admire the view. The vastness of space stretches out as far as our eyes can see. The swirl of a distant nebula lights up the sky. I wonder briefly how the void can be so vast and dark when the stars that exist are many and bright.

I see Xanthar sleeping in his nest, the grass stamped flat from his girth weighing down upon it night after night for centuries. I see mother, sleeping among Xanthar's thick fur. Mother does not sleep alone. He hates being alone. We floated closer to watch him. Mother's expression is calm. This is good. I brushed a tendril along his plane as I watched his bricks glow and fade faintly, as if he were breathing. It always settles my worry to see mother so peaceful.

I floated away, leaving them to sleep in peace.

My wandering brought us to the main living room, the teleporter at the far end next to the door/window that opened out into space. The television is on, paused on a screen of some video game. Teeth and 8-Ball laid unconscious on the couch. It appears the two had fallen asleep during another late night gaming session. I switch off the TV and pull out some blankets to drape over them. They aren't strictly necessary, it is not cold in the Death Star. But mother has stated that blankets made everything better. I tucked my not-quite brothers/uncles in and floated around the room to stop in front of grandfather's tank.

He is awake.

I stared at him. We stared at him. "Why are you awake?" We asked him. As per usual, he did not respond. He never does. He is a terrible parent. Mother always responds when we ask him things. Mother gives us his attention, because mother cared. But grandfather doesn't seem to care. If he did, would he not respond?

Perhaps I am being unfair. Mother has claimed to have spoken with grandfather. Perhaps it is only that grandfather refuses to speak to the rest of us. Even so, what few times I HAVE heard of grandfather's words were blatant lies. He cannot be trusted. I stared at grandfather. He stared back.

He blinked.

"I know you are a liar." We told him. "You told mother that I wasn't his child. You were lying. You should have known. Are you not the granter of Souls? Do I not exist because of you?" I frowned at him. "Even if you had a good reason, a lie is a lie. How do I know you have not lied about other things? More important things?"

I felt...angry.

"Mother trusts you. Are you really worthy of that trust?"

To my astonishment, grandfather reacted. He ducked his head down and looked away. I narrowed my eyes. "Is this an admission of guilt?"

Grandfather swam away into a little rock castle. I watched him go. "What else have you lied to mother about?" I questioned. Grandfather didn't respond. I didn't need one. His actions were proof enough for us. "We do not like you." We told him.

"Why did you create us?" We asked him. It was mother who birthed us, but we wouldn't be here, be who we ARE, if not for grandfather. None of us would have existed without grandfather. But why? Why were we allowed into this world? Why had grandfather made and discarded us?

For what reason could there be for his silence? Grandfather made us and then left us, not a word, not a care. I….am grateful that we exist. If only so that we will be here to ease mother's loneliness. To ease each other's loneliness as well.

What were we but a family of lonely misfits? I have not suffered as the others did. I have heard their stories over the years. Their pain, trials and joy at having become a family here. I am not like them. I have not suffered loneliness in my life. Part of us feels that makes us unworthy of the love in this family. We have not earned it. We have not struggled as they did so we did not deserve to be here.

Of course, mother was horrified to discover we had such thoughts. I remember that day well. Mother told me that suffering is not something that should ever happen. He told me that my life of care and support didn't need to earned. That everyone should be allowed to live without pain. Everyone deserves to be happy, whether or not they have gone through hardships. Mother held us close that day and told us that he loved us and would not allow us to ever go through what he had.

So I try to keep these thoughts quiet. It upsets mother. But it is hard. How can I convey that I feel unworthy of mother's love?

I wish we could do more for our family but we are lazy and forget to put in the effort half the time.

I made a vow to myself. If mother asks something of me someday in the future, I will do all I can to be a good son. Maybe then I can settle this feeling within us. I stared at grandfather for a while longer before floating away.

"What is the meaning of life?" We asked mother one day. He paused while preparing breakfast, another ramlette but this time with cheese. "There is no definitive answer for this. Every single person has their own unique answer that only they can figure out themselves." Mother responded. "One person might decide their meaning is to collect stamps, another might find meaning in starting a family."

I considered that. It made sense. "What is my meaning?" We asked. Mother shrugged. "This is something you must discover on your own. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out mine." mother laughed lightly. "Another thing, most people don't realize it but sometimes, what holds meaning for you changes over time. While you might like one thing right now, that can change down the line. So don't get too attached to what you ultimately decided on."

I tilted my head "For a god of knowledge, how are you so wise?" Mother blushed. "W-well this is the sort of thing I contemplate. I enjoy having deep philosophical debates with myself." He mumbled something about introspection, soul searching and understanding.

I nodded. This was quite helpful.

I was out with mother shopping. Mother enjoys using my storage blocks to hold items so he doesn't have to use a 'germ covered shopping cart that's been touched by hundreds of people'. Sometimes we think mother's need for cleanliness is a bit much.

"Smeet flour...bread...oh, we need more tomato sauce, 8-Ball drank it all yesterday…" mother mumbled to himself. He does this often, speaking aloud to himself. Sometimes even asking questions to himself and holding entire conversations. This is fine. It's simply a quirk. But what worried all of us, especially Hectorgon, is how Bill sometimes has imaginary conversations with us.

Keyhole was quite confused when mother once came up to him and continued a conversation that Keyhole never had with mother. We found mother speaking with an empty sofa as if Keyhole were sitting there a few hours later. This was understandably distressing for everyone involved. When we pointed this out to mother, he seemed confused. Kryptos wonders if it's another sign of mother's insanity or perhaps his powers going out of control and making him react to the psychic impressions of us that are left behind.

That WAS Keyhole's preferred spot on the sofa. Kryptos theorized that mother may simply be reacting to theoretical conversations he could be having. We still worry. Generally this can be fixed by one of us being with mother at all times so that we can stop a fake conversation before it gets too far. Hectorgon worries. I have heard him state that mother is like a daughter to him but he was too afraid to tell mother so.

We told him that mother may not mind. Grandfather is like mother's father, but there's nothing that says you cannot have more than one father.

I am shaken from my reminiscence by a scream. I see another shopper screeching at mother in fear. Ah, this has not happened in a while, this customer must be new, most of the staff and regulars here have gotten used to mother's presence. As mother had told me once, with enough repetition, anything can become normal. Of course, he said that during a conversation about how, as a joke, he had placed a star on the bellies of a species of Beach Bird (something about how he wanted to recreate Sneeches on beaches, whatever that meant) which startled the birds so much they screamed and ran around in a panic. So mother had taken the stars away. And, as a joke, given them back the stars just to watch them scream and run around some more. After a week of this, the birds eventually stopped reacting and just went about their business as usual whether they had stars or not.

Mother claimed this was a good experiment. I found myself agreeing.

Back to the present, the screaming customer was being quite rude. They were picking up cans with their tendrils and throwing them at us. We can see mother struggling to keep calm. I don't know if mother has realized this but because he is an empathic creature, he gets worked up and upset when others are upset and this leads to him losing control of himself.

When around people who are calm and content, mother is...for a lack of a better word, sane. But when others are distressed, mother loses himself and it is difficult for him to stay calm. Sometimes it can happen just from mother Looking at upset people during his Flickering for information. And sometimes it can happen from mother remembering these incidents. Pyronica says it is because mother is an emotional mess who's too sensitive for his own good.

I take mother's hand, trying to convey my calm and help grant him some stability. For extra measure, we pulled mother away from the incredibly rude customer to try and put some distance between them. I feel a flash of irritation when the stupid person FOLLOWED us, continuing to throw things.

Mother is trembling with the effort it took to not lash out (he has confessed that when he was younger, he had more trouble holding back and would simply strike out before he realized it). I see his eye following the thrown items and catching them with his power to lower gently to the ground. Of course, mother hated seeing food go to waste, if any of these containers broke, so too would his patience. The security team finally got there and we were told to leave. I feel mother nearly boil over.

"WHAT? US LEAVE?! THEY'RE THE ONE WHO ASSAULTED US FOR NO FUCKING REASON!" mother screeched. The security team apologized and gave mother a book of coupons before asking us again to leave. A shelf caught fire with his anger but I pulled on his arm until we had left the store.

"The fucking nerve of them!" Mother hissed as we left the store behind. I patted his back and smiled, reaching into a block and pulling out a jar of tomato sauce. It was more than simple to grab it. We had found the locations of all the cameras as I followed mother through the store and the workers were all sufficiently distracted.

Mother stared at me for a few seconds before laughing. "I hate shoplifting on principle but this, this is hilarious." Mother grinned. I keep quiet about the multitude of other items I had acquired within the store. Mother would be upset if he learned of them. I will give them to Pyronica later. Or Kryptos. He is always asking me to smuggle items for him. Many of them seem to be materials listed on the Federation restricted list.

"Why do we still go to grocery stores when we could just as easily create the products ourselves?" I question. Mother sighed. "The multiverse runs on money. There are a lot of terrible people as well as good people out there, running terrible and good companies. For example, it's cheaper for certain farms to produce enough meat to sate demand if they mistreat their animals. Meanwhile, there are other farms who treat their animals well, which costs them more money. So, by buying their products, I am giving them money to support their ethical treatment of their livestock."

"...can't you just donate money to them?" I question. Mother laughed. "I do. But I also enjoy shopping. Plus, if I buy the stuff in the store, the store will realize it is selling and therefore, buy more products from that company to restock the shelves. Once I've done this enough times over a course of years, the store will go out of its way to stock items from that company more often and with more prominence. Continue doing this and other people will begin buying the products as well, since it's there, it's visible and convenient."

"Repetition into normalcy?" I ask. Mother grinned. "Exactly! And then everyone else is also sending that company money so I won't have to support them alone."

Mother's brilliance is amazing.

I stared at grandfather. He was hiding from us again. We wanted to drag him out and demand answers, but he wouldn't answer. But we know now. Grandfather has lied to mother before. And he probably will again. Informing mother of this doesn't work. Mother trusted grandfather. Mother loved him.

So I will need to find the answers myself.

In the middle of dinner, while everyone was gathered around for some pasta and tomato soup, I spoke up "I have decided what my current meaning of life is." Pyronica stared at me incredulously, since I had interrupted her while she was in the middle of trying to talk about a dress she saw in a store that she really wanted. Mother grinned. "That's wonderful Ammy, but it's polite to wait for a lull in conversation."

I nodded and apologized to Pyronica, as mother has taught me. "I am sorry for interrupting you. Would you like to finish your conversation first?"

She shrugged. "Naw, it's fine. I think yours is more important." She grinned at me. "Meaning of life huh? That's some pretty deep thoughts you're having~" PaciFire nudged her. "Don't tease him, this is a big moment. Not everyone can figure such a thing out." Everyone turned to me expectantly. "I've decided I will become a researcher." I stated. Everyone blinked in confusion. Keyhole asked "Research about what?" I tilted my blocks "Everything."

"So...like Kryptos?" 8-Ball asked. Kryptos scoffed. "I plan to be an inventor! And a teacher!" Teeth snorted "And the future ruler of the universe." Kryptos blushed. "I...I won't deny that was on my to-do list…"

Mother flew over and hugged me tightly. "Well I'm proud of you." he said with a happy hum. "You want to learn stuff right?" we nodded. "There is so much I still do not know. I think I would enjoy finding the answers myself. And perhaps…" ...perhaps I can discover more about mother and grandfather, about why they exist, about why I exist...why any of this exists...

"Perhaps?" Mother asked. I squint my eyes into a smile. "Perhaps I can even learn something you do not know."

Mother appeared surprised before he squealed loudly and hugged me again. "Awww~I look forward to that Ammy! I really do!" Mother spun me around in delight. "I would love to have YOU teach me something someday!" It was another odd thing about mother. For a god of knowledge, he absolutely loves when others teach him about things he doesn't know.

I hugged mother back as everyone clapped politely in congratulations.

I had my meaning of life. Find out the truth about grandfather and protect mother's happiness.

Maybe then, I could feel like I deserved the love mother gave me so unconditionally. Mother said that his love is freely given, but that doesn't mean I did not wish to give back as well