Throne Of Cards 31 – Imprisoned One
As you're climbing the steps to your throne, watch out for the banana-peel under your foot.
Excerpt from 'Ruminations Of A Master Bard'
"So, this is it then," Zaerini said as she activated the final seal opening the lowest level of Watcher's Keep. "Watch out now, be ready for anything!" The seal hummed softly, lit up with a clear blue flash, and then the light jumped across the room to the lifeless portal at the far end, making it spring to life as well. She held her breath, waiting, but absolutely nothing else happened. "Huh," She said eventually. "No horrible monsters?"
"You need not sound quite so disappointed," Viconia said with a wry smile. "Personally, I am quite pleased not to have to leap into another fight to the death."
"Yes, I know, I know, but it's just that after all the lead up it feels a little anticlimactic. The way Helm has been ramping up this place I was expecting a full legion of demons."
"Maybe he ran out of demons?" Imoen suggested. Then she bit her lip in worry. "Or…or maybe whatever is down on the lowest level killed all the demons? And ate them?"
"Mind what you say!" Edwin snapped, hurrying to clasp his hands across Dekaras' ears. Rini noticed that the boy briefly rolled his eyes, but he didn't try to twist away though she'd have cheerfully bet that he could have. He looked more fascinated than frightened, which she concluded probably ought to worry Edwin more.
"Minsc will go in first, to keep all Witches and children safe!" Minsc said, nodding. "Boo is eager to see the end of this dark and dreary place, look at his unfettered hamster fury!"
Rini looked. Boo was indeed squirming eagerly in Minsc's enormous hands, his fur standing on edge. Now and then he gave a quiet hiss. "All right," She said. "But let's all stick close together behind you, there's no telling what we'll be up against." Then she braced herself, placed her hand on Minsc's shoulder and made sure all the others were gathered closely around her. This portal felt different than the others. It was colder, a chill that seeped deep into her very bones and there was a low, almost inaudible noise in the background that she couldn't quite make out. It was regular and steady, but why did it fill her with such a creeping sense of unease? Then she stepped out of the portal, and that feeling increased tenfold.
The final chamber below the thousands of tons of stone and mortar that made up Watcher's Keep, the cell of the mysterious Imprisoned One, the goal they'd been seeking all along was…empty? Two gently curving staircases led down from the portal into the room, a large round stone chamber with rough walls. Large, yes, but not so large that she couldn't see it fully. There were iron chains on the floor, connected to manacles, chains thick enough that they ought to be able to pin down a dragon, but they were empty as well, and several of them were broken and splintered.
"This is it?!" Sarevok said. "We came all this way and now…" And then Zaerini was treated to the rare sight of seeing her brother both shut up and go a few shades paler than normal with alarm. It wasn't a cause for smugness though, for she had felt and seen the same things he did. The room looked empty, yes. But there was a presence here, a vast and invisible weight pressing against her mind, the sound of deep breaths echoing through the semi-darkness. And there, yes, one of the heavy chains slithered across the floor with a lazy clank-clank-clank as something she could not see stirred, alerted to her presence. Briefly she considered a divination spell and then decided against it. This thing, whatever it was, felt as if it could crush her brain like an egg. She didn't want to annoy it if she could avoid doing so. Then, the thing she could not see spoke, and its voice was a crashing wave against the crumbling shore of her sanity. It was the gibbering of a thousand lunatic voices in a deranged chorus, the silky sweet promise of the freedom of insanity and the joy of slaughter.
AH, GUESTS. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG, SO VERY LONG. There was a deep, moist, snuffle. AND A CHILD OF BHAAL AT THAT. HOW VERY INTERESTING. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
"Are you the Imprisoned One?" She asked, hoping her voice wasn't shaking too badly. There was a brief pause.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOU FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH THE BOWELS OF WATCHER'S KEEP, TO THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE DARKEST TOWER, TO WHERE SOMEBODY IS CLEARLY CHAINED UP IN A CELL AND DREADFULLY BORED IF YOU MUST KNOW, AND YOU ASK ME THAT?
"Oh, all right, it was a bit of a stupid question, I guess. Can I ask what…who you are instead?"
YOU CAN.
"But you're not going to answer. Of course."
YOU AMUSE ME, LITTLE ONE. YOU ARE NOT MY JAILOR, COME HERE TO STRENGTHEN MY BONDS. YET YOU FAIRLY GLOW WITH GRIM PURPOSE. SO TELL ME THEN, IF NOT FOR THE THRILL OF MY CONVERSATION OR MY DASHING GOOD LOOKS, THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?
"Well, it is kind of a long and complicated story…"
OH, THAT SOUNDS TEDIOUS. ALLOW ME.
There was the horrible sensation of long and grubby fingers shifting through her surface thoughts, poking and prodding and on one memorable occasion tickling. As she looked at her friends' faces it was obvious they'd just had the same thing happen. Viconia looked disgusted, Imoen horrified, Sarevok ready to kill, and Edwin and Dekaras were mirrors of outrage. Alone among them, Minsc looked entirely placid.
OH, I SEE! THAT…THAT'S HILARIOUS! WHAT A SCREAM! WHAT A…A…HA HA HA HA HA!
"Just what is so funny, you demented dungeon dweller?" Edwin asked between clenched teeth.
WELL, I COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU. HEH.
"No, no, that won't be necessary!" Rini hurried to say. "Look, you clearly know why we're here. A certain book, to help with a certain…spell. It's very important. You know where to find it, and I know that you do. So, can we just skip past the death threats and to the part where you tell me what it'll take for you to tell us where to find it?"
There was a brief pause, and when the voice spoke again it sounded more controlled than before, but even more darkly amused. She wasn't sure if that was an improvement or not. YOU MISDIRECT, CHILD OF BHAAL, BUT YOU BARGAIN WITH COINS OF WOOD. WHAT CAN YOU OFFER ME, SHUT IN HERE AS YOU ARE?
Damn. She'd hoped the…thing, whatever it was, wouldn't know about what Odren had done. "A song and dance number? I do a pretty mean Tethyrian cross-step if I do say so myself."
HM. YES. There was a brief giggle. A LITTLE DANCE, A SONG SO SWEET…A HELMITE HEAD LAIN AT MY FEET. YES, WE CAN WORK WITH THAT.
"Come again?"
THE HIGH PRIEST, FAR ABOVE US. I TASTE THE TANG OF HIS BETRAYAL IN YOUR THOUGHTS. YOU ARE TRAPPED AS I AM, CHILD OF BHAAL. DO YOU THINK THE RITUAL SCROLL HE GAVE YOU MIGHT SAVE YOU, PERHAPS? IT WILL STRENGTHEN THE SEALS I HAVE WORKED AT SO PATIENTLY FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, YES. IT WILL ALSO SEAL AWAY ANY HOPE FOR YOU TO ESCAPE, FOR IT WILL SHUT DOWN ALL THE PORTALS. BUT PERHAPS YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WOULD LIKE A FEW MILLENNIA IN MY OWN SCINTILLATING COMPANY? WE COULD PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE. I'LL EVEN LET YOU GO FIRST.
Rini looked around at her friends. "Thoughts?" She quietly asked.
"It may well be true," Viconia offered. "The priest, as we have already learned, is a double-crossing piece of offal and he did deliberately shut us in here. Of course, this creature may well be a liar as well, but there is no harm in hearing it out."
"Just…be careful, ok?" Imoen said, her cold hand squeezing the half-elf's own. "Whatever it wants, it can't be good."
"While I have the utmost faith in my own limitless capacity for destruction, we are at some disadvantage here, my Hellkitten," Edwin murmured into her ear. "I had planned to perform a scientific experiment and determine whether the priest might be entirely dismantled down to charcoal and similar base components without incinerating his robe, but if this beast wants him as a chew toy, I say pet it on the head and try not to get slobbered on."
Sarevok simply nodded, not taking his eyes off the lazily twitching chains. Did one of the thick links creak and crack a little, just then?
Minsc smiled calmly. "Boo…" He blinked and shook his head briefly. "Let's be friends." Rini gave him a concerned look, he'd sounded odd just then, even for Minsc. But there was no time to worry about it, she had to make a decision. "Tell us what you want," She said. "Then we'll see."
AH, SWEET CHILD OF BHAAL, I THOUGHT YOU'D SEE MY POINT! HERE IS THE DANCE I PROPOSE. I AM IMPRISONED, YES, BUT YOU NEED NOT BE. MY STRENGTH IS GROWING, MY BONDS ARE WEAKENING. I CAN OPEN A NEW PORTAL FOR YOU, ONE TO TAKE YOU ALL OUT OF THIS PLACE.
"And? There's going to be an 'and', I expect."
AND THEN YOU GO TO SEE THE PRIEST. YOU WILL TELL HIM THAT THE SEAL DID NOT WORK, THAT I BROKE FREE, AND THAT YOU HAD TO SLAY ME. BOO HOO, SO SAD, BRING OUT THE WHITE LILIES AND THE CHORAL MUSIC, HE HAD SO MANY STRANGE AEONS AHEAD OF HIM, ETC.
Zaerini blinked. It sounded very simple, to be sure. Too simple. "That's all you want me to do? Nothing else? And then you'll tell me the name of the book we seek and where to find it?"
OF COURSE, LITTLE KITTY. FLASH THE TRAITOR PRIEST YOUR SMILE SO SHARP AND BRIGHT, POUR YOUR SWEET WORDS INTO HIS HAIRY OLD EAR – HE REALLY OUGHT TO INVEST IN TWEEZERS – AND THEN RETURN TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU WISH TO KNOW.
It could well be a trap. No, scratch that, it would be an immense surprise if it wasn't a trap. Even so, the option to die trapped in here was even less appealing, and as for Odren's possible fate she really didn't give a toss. "It's a deal," She said. "Let us out of here, and I'll tell Odren what you asked me to."
OOOOH GOODY! LET THE FUN AND GAMES BEGIN THEN! I WILL PUT ON MY BEST BOWTIE WHILE YOU RUN YOUR LITTLE ERRAND. OR WOULD A SPARKLY DRESS AND HEELS WORK BETTER FOR A DATE WITH A PRIEST, DO YOU THINK? DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT? There was another long, extensive cackle, but the creature didn't seem to expect a reply, clearly content with the sound of its own voice. Then there was a deep surge of power, coming from everywhere in the room at once, and without the normal magical signature she'd expect from a human spellcaster. A second portal, next to the one they'd entered through, flashed into life. OFF WITH YOU NOW, LITTLE ONES, the Imprisoned One said. I WILL STAY UP WAITING WITH THE LAMPS LIT. WELL, I WOULD IF I HAD PROPER LAMPS BUT I ATE THEM TO MAKE A MOSAIC OF BROKEN GLASS IN MY BELLY. NOW, SHOO.
The sight of the sky was immensely welcome as Zaerini stepped through the portal, and the wind in her hair nearly made her giggle out loud. The sun was low in the sky, close to setting, and the clouds were blazing pink and orange. The gaggle of priests surrounding her and her friends were more of a pale yellow as they stared with wide eyes, mouths hanging open. Guess they didn't expect to see us again. But why are they still standing around though? Oh, they were probably waiting for us to complete the ritual like saps and seal the deal.
"Hi, friends!" She said in a bright voice, smiling steadily at Odren while never taking her eyes off the man. His right eyelid had a nervous tic in it, and he was fiddling with the sleeves of his robe. "Oh my, it's getting a bit late isn't it? Guess we got out in the nick of time."
"You…" Odren began, then coughed and took a deep breath. "You…the ritual scroll?"
"Oh, that." She shrugged briefly. "Well, we thought about using it, but that seemed kind of boring, and besides we wouldn't get any loot, would we? So we just killed the Imprisoned One instead. We needed the workout anyway."
Odren's eyes were glassy with terror. "No…no! What have you done?!"
"Duh," Imoen said, wrinkling her nose. "She just told you. We killed the Imprisoned One. Not too complicated words, were they?"
"And now," Sarevok said as he stepped closer to the priests, "I would be most interested in a discussion about how the front door to your dungeon works. A door handle on the inside seems a reasonable investment, yes?"
"I…I am truly sorry," Odren stammered. "But you have no idea what a calamity you may have caused! The Imprisoned One can…can be killed after a fashion, but it is not permanent! It will be back, stronger than ever. Are you sure you killed it?"
"The pools of blood and liquefied organs seemed a reasonably good indication," Edwin said. "If you wish to perform a full autopsy on your pet monster, I would recommend bringing a few buckets with you to carry it out. (I wonder if it would be possible to melt a person from the inside out. I should find out, for science.)"
Odren hesitated, wringing his hands as the other priests huddled around him. "A-acolytes!" He finally stammered. "Follow me. All may not yet be lost. Perhaps…perhaps we might sanctify the cell, keep the Imprisoned One's spirit bound a while longer. Perhaps Lord Helm may yet forgive us for our failure. Come, and bring the relics, the 'Watcher's Keep Compendium' and the 'holy oil' that Brother Kesar keeps with him at all times." One of the priests, a lanky fellow with messy brown hair, tittered nervously. "For personal worship purposes!" He squeaked. Odren was already disappearing into Watcher's Keep, the other priests obediently following him, and shortly thereafter the adventurers were standing alone on top of the enormous prison dungeon.
"Well," Rini said. "That was that. Now we come to the hard part."
"Just so," Edwin said with a small grimace. "The creature may keep its word, but then again it may decide that it would prefer to turn us all into delightful multicolored snacks. (Turning back is out of the question, of course.) We had best be well prepared for betrayal."
"The Somewhat Evil Wizard need not worry," Minsc said, patting Edwin's arm. "We have Boo along, after all, and Boo says all will be well as long as we do not tarry too long."
"Well, excuse me for not being filled with the blind confidence of the utterly deranged at the sight of your pet rodent. (One person like that in the party is quite enough, this will require a cool head and steady nerves.)"
There was a quiet cough, and Zaerini turned around to see Dekaras reach up to tug at Edwin's sleeve. "It's all right, really," The boy said. "You don't have to. I'll be fine, honestly."
"No, you won't! What do you mean, 'fine'? Just what are you talking about? (If anybody has been telling tales about things they shouldn't, I will not hesitate to employ maximum force.)"
"I figured it out, that's what I mean." He looked down, not meeting the adults' eyes. "It's…nice of you to want to help, but it probably won't work anyway, and I don't want you to get killed over it."
"Hang on a sec," Imoen said, her blue eyes wide and puzzled. "What did you figure out?"
"You're trying to fix my magic, aren't you? It's the only thing that makes sense, from what you've said." He looked up, and then frowned at the looks on their faces. "Oh. It's not? But Minsc said the magic book was meant to 'make me better'. And there's nothing else wrong with me, so obviously I thought…"
"That's…not exactly what Minsc meant," Rini said, wincing a little as she saw his face grow very still and blank. "It is something extremely important though, I promise. And I don't mean to fight the Imprisoned One unless we absolutely have to, but we came all the way for that book and we're not leaving without it. That's final."
"Just so!" Edwin said, crossing his arms across his chest. "But just in case we do have to resort to reducing the monster to a steaming puddle of monster mash, I absolutely insist on you remaining out here, where it is at least reasonably safe. No, do not give me that look, it will not work this time. Promise you will stay out here, where you will not get in the way of any confrontation. And no insane antics like climbing the roof of the temple either!"
Dekaras' eyes narrowed dangerously, but he nodded. "Fine," He said in an agreeable voice Rini felt sure was entirely deceptive. "I promise I won't 'get in the way'."
"And that you will stay out here?"
He looked rather sulky at that, but he gave a brief nod. "Yes, all right, I will. But what if…"
"If we don't come back in…say an hour's time, then it probably means we will not. Not that such a thing will happen, of course. But just in case, just to have a backup plan, then if the worst were to happen you must make your way back to Thay, one way or another, and seek out Lady Odesseiron in the city of Pyarados." Edwin swallowed briefly. "She will…take care of you. (And in that case, she will probably reanimate me in order to personally give me the mother of all scoldings.) Can you remember that?"
"Of course. But I don't like it."
"You don't have to like it; you just have to do it." Edwin hesitated briefly. "And assuming we do acquire the book, and that it works as intended, I give my own word that you will be told what it is for."
"That is a matter for later discussion though," Viconia said, tossing her long white hair back across her shoulder. "The Imprisoned One awaits us, and we had better get going now."
"You're right," Zaerini agreed. "Let's hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And I really want to get the chance to ask Helm at some point just what his intentions were with this place…"
"I believe I may be able to answer that." It was a new voice that had spoken, and as she turned around, she blinked with surprise. Well, that's unexpected. And now what?
"You must have a great many questions," the floating woman said in a pleasant voice which reminded Zaerini vaguely of distant bells. She wasn't just floating, she was glowing too, with a light so bright that it was impossible to make out any details about her facial features. There was definitely long, flowing hair there though, and fluttering white robes. Was that a brightly gleaming chest mail?
"Plenty," The bard admitted, not really feeling in the mood for extensive banter. "Did Bhaal mate with anything worse than a fire giant, what will be the silliest fashion in Thay next summer, are you going to treat me to some sort of boring lecture or moral dilemma meant to impress me or are you actually here to help me, what's my favourite cake and oh, by the way, who are you?"
It was hard to tell, but she thought she saw a smile on that shining face. "To answer your questions," the woman said. "Yes, trousers you hike up very high under your armpits, no, yes, chocolate with preferably a hint of rum. And my name is Milena. I served My Lord Helm in life, as His priestess, and I serve in the afterlife. Should you wish to confront the Imprisoned One a final time, there are things he would have you know."
"That is remarkably convenient," Edwin said with a small sneer. "However, given that the previous priest of Helm we entered into negotiations with proceeded to lock us inside a dungeon swarming with lethal monsters, you will have to forgive us for being just a tad skeptical."
"He is correct, for once," Viconia agreed, raising her hand. "You may be intangible to weapons, spirit, but I will snuff you out like a candle if you move against us."
"Do not worry, friends," Minsc said. He gave Milena a friendly smile and patted Boo. "The shiny lady seems nice, and no matter what, Boo will take care of everything."
"You are justified in your mistrust," Milena said. She sounded just as calm as before. "The priest Odren did betray you, and as he did so he betrayed my Lord as well. He was entrusted with a task of grave importance, as were those before him, and he betrayed that trust."
"The Imprisoned One," Rini said. "What was Odren really supposed to do?"
"When the Imprisoned One was sealed inside Watcher's Keep, it was a given that at some point the seals would need strengthening. That was the duty of the High Priest of the Keep, to enter the deepest dungeon and to do what needed to be done at the appointed hour. It was the most important duty of all, so Odren and his predecessors were told, for upon the completion of the ritual the priest himself would become the prison, his life's force binding the creature."
"What a glorious reward for faithful service," Sarevok said with a brief shrug. "Even at my most deranged I offered my minions better terms than that."
"You are not a High Priest of Helm," Milena said. "For us, there is no reward more glorious than the chance to lay down our life for the sake of such an utterly worthy cause as this. A true devotee of the Watcher takes his duty very seriously and would never betray a trust such as this." She looked at Zaerini again, those blazing eyes not blinking once. "You know this, Child of Bhaal, do you not? You know followers of the Watcher, I believe."
"Sure. Except Odren didn't turn out to be such a true follower, did he?"
Milena's light dimmed briefly, and her next words fell like heavy tears. "The priest Odren…is no longer one of us. Odren faltered, and Odren fell. When his time came to fulfill the duty he had willingly accepted, the duty that several of us had fulfilled before him, he betrayed all. Even worse, he compounded his sin and gave into the temptation of sacrificing innocent lives in order to avoid his sacred oath."
"Oh, of course," Imoen said. "Maybe Helm can be a bit of a jerk at times, but one of his priests doing that? Sacrificing a kid especially?" She whistled slowly. "Something tells me it'll take more than a few prayers and hymns to make up for that one."
"Correct. The hand of the Watcher will not shield Odren."
"That's all well and good," Rini said. "But Odren isn't really our biggest problem here, is he? We've still got to deal with the Imprisoned One somehow, and this little bit of exposition doesn't really help us with that."
"As you say. Know you then, the Imprisoned One is immensely powerful, but it can be killed. Even this is but a temporary measure however, for eventually it will be able to return."
"Fair enough, I'll avoid a fight to the death with it unless absolutely necessary. Don't ask me to pick up Odren's slack either, by the way. I'm not a priest of Helm and I'm not sacrificing myself for the sake of his demented dungeon. Same goes for my friends."
Milena nodded. "That sacrifice is not being asked of you, Child of Bhaal. You have other tasks ahead of you, which must be fulfilled. Nor does the Watcher ask it if your companions."
"Then what?" Imoen asked, as she thoughtfully twiddled a lock of her pink hair between her fingers. "You talk a lot, but what does Helm really want us to do? You've got a better, updated version of the ritual squirreled away somewhere?"
Milena smiled. "Hypothetically, if I did have such a thing, would you agree to use it?"
"Maybe?" Rini said, eyeing the spirit suspiciously. "That depends on what it would do, wouldn't it?"
"Hypothetically, such a thing would in fact be inferior to the original version, as the lack of the High Priest's faithful sacrifice would lessen the impact. However, the attunement to the Imprisoned One's specific nature would suffice. All mortals present at the time of the ritual's casting would be entirely safe and quite able to depart. In theory."
"In theory?!"
"Well, such a hypothetical device, did it exist, would of course be in the experimental stage, rapidly developed due to this newly arisen issue with Odren and possibly prone to explosions, unintentional transformations, petrification and other ailments for which the Maker would like to offer his hypothetical apologies in advance."
"Lovely," The half-elf muttered. "Well, I'm not making any promises here, but we'll see when we get there. I'd rather skip the whole thing, just get what we came for and get out of there, but I suppose the Imprisoned One getting free would be really, really bad wouldn't it?"
"I fear so," Milena said. "It might not destroy the entire world, but it would probably make most mortals wish that it had."
"Ergh. Fine, give it here. But you can tell Helm that he owes us bigtime, and I'll cash in whenever I get the chance."
"I will make certain my Lord gets the message," Milena said, her glow brightening again. "His blessing goes with you."
"I'd rather his devoted armies go with us, but thanks, I guess. Let's go in, gang." She turned to look at Dekaras. "And you, remember what you promised."
The boy sighed. "Yes, yes. Stay out here, I promise. Are you sure I can't do anything to help?"
"Well," Rini said, her smile growing more mischievous as she looked at Milena. "How about you try your hand at praying? I figure Helm's Chosen would gladly look after you while we're gone and be only too happy to give you religious instruction." Hurriedly, because she'd seen the look on his face, she added, "And besides, Helm's bound to feel more inclined to help us if you pester him a bit. You wouldn't mind that, would you?"
Dekaras gave Watcher's Keep a dark look. "After that place? It will be my pleasure."
The large cell of the Imprisoned One wasn't any more pleasant the second time she entered it than the first one, and Rini felt every little hair on her body prickling in protest, even as her lungs seemed to struggle to draw breath. The place looked much the same as before, with one notable exception. The broken bodies of Odren and his fellow priests lay scattered about the floor like abandoned dolls. In fact, there were parts of priests on the walls as well, and in one very unpleasant case, on the ceiling.
"Yuck!" Imoen whispered with a shudder even as a chunk of meat fell with a wet thump to the floor and nearly landed on her boot. "I know they set us up, but still…."
"I didn't know it was possible to turn a person entirely inside-out," Edwin murmured, staring in fascination at a particularly gruesome corpse. "I wonder if I could replicate…"
The air grew murkier, feeling vaguely oily. AH, THE CHILD OF BHAAL AND HER LITTLE PLAYMATES, the invisible presence greeted them. YOU'RE LUCKY TO CATCH ME IN, HEH. THE SOUL OF THE FALLEN PRIEST WAS DELICIOUSLY CRUNCHY. IT MADE MY BELLY VERY HAPPY INDEED AND IT HAS GIVEN ME THE FINAL BOOST I NEEDED. VERY SOON, I WILL BE FREE. THANK YOU, WITHOUT A SNACK IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN ME A WHILE LONGER.
"That's great news," Rini said, feeling as if her smile had been painted onto her face. "But before you take off to a sunny beach or a nice tavern, there's the teeny tiny little detail of what you promised me. The book, if you please."
AH, YES. The chamber filled with dark chuckles, bouncing from wall to bloody wall. I DO NOT HAVE IT, BUT I CAN SEE MANY THINGS; AND I CAN SEE THIS THING YOU SEEK. WHAT AN EXCELLENT JOKE!
"Joke?" I don't like the sound of that.
THE BOOK WAS ONCE IN YOUR POSSESSION, BUT YOU RID YOURSELF OF IT LONG AGO, AND YOU SENT IT BACK TO THE BEGINNING, TO JOIN ITS FELLOWS IN THE GREAT OLD LIBRARY.
"Library…" Rini whispered, a nasty suspicion sneaking up on her. Could it be? Yes, there had been a book, what felt like ages ago. "Candlekeep. We had to get back inside Candlekeep, Sarevok was messing everything up with doppelgangers…"
"I was executing my cunning plans for divine ascension, thank you very much," Sarevok huffed.
"…shut up, Big Bro….so we had to pay with a book, and we had one with us. An old, rare book. Eddie was reading it all the time; he really didn't like parting with it. We'd found it in a dungeon or something, and it was called…it was called…"
"…'The History of the Nether Scrolls'," Edwin filled in, sounding almost as disgusted as she felt. "Of course. It just had to be, hadn't it? (Somewhere, somehow, some sadistic deity undoubtedly planned this ages ago and finds it exceedingly humorous. I do not.)"
THAT WOULD BE IT, YES. THAT BOOK CONTAINS THE KNOWLEDGE YOU SEEK. OFF YOU GO THEN. The chuckles grew louder, into a torrent of demented, hooting laughter. YOU'D BETTER HURRY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I'M STILL HUNGRY, AND THIS WORLD OF YOURS LOOKS SOOOO APPETIZING!
Well, this is it then. The bard slid her hand into the pocket where she kept the ritual scroll Milena had given her, the 'experimental version'. Hope this works. But how can I use it without him…her…it noticing?
It was at this moment that Minsc calmly stepped forward, Boo held out on the palm of his hand. The hamster's cheeks were puffed up, and its fur looked even fluffier than normal. "No," He said. "The world is not for eating. Boo disapproves most heartily."
WHAT IS THIS? The air shimmered around the chains, the vague outline of a monstrous form just beginning to show. THIS TINY CREATURE…HOW ODD…
Boo reared up on his hind legs, and Zaerini could have sworn that he snickered quietly. Most of her attention was captivated by what was happening in the middle of the large cell though. The Imprisoned One was gradually taking shape, becoming solid, becoming…real. Was this how the prison worked? It kept the thing from fully coming into the world? If so, the last remnants of the barrier were rapidly fading, and even as she watched she could see the last link in the large chain buckling and snapping. The hideous thing standing before her was huge, fifteen, maybe twenty feet tall, with a hunched over muscular body covered in red fur, except for the scaly and clawed feet. There were a mass of tentacles bursting out from its broad shoulders, and its forked tail had tentacles as well. There were eyes on those tentacles, blank, purple eyes filled with malice. Were there tentacles on the eyes in turn? And its head…no its heads…they were…
"Oh, look," Edwin said, with the kind of calm lucidity that heralds encroaching madness. "A two-headed monkey demon."
DEMON? The thing chuckled out of both its wide, leering mouths, even as the two heads turned Edwin's ways. MONKEY? A PROUD BABOON, IGNORANT CHILD. AND YOU BEHOLD DEMOGORGON, PRINCE OF DEMONS, THE SIBILANT BEAST, AHMON-IBOR, THE LURKER IN THE DREAMS, SIOSIVASH THE GREAT INSANITY. DEATH IS MY SCEPTRE AND PAIN MY CROWN. NOW DESPAIR AS I…
And here, in the middle of its speech, the demon lord broke off to stare in what could only be called wide-eyed astonishment at the small hamster still sitting on Minsc's palm. YOU? NO…IT CANNOT BE…
For one brief moment she thought she was imagining it, but then it was impossible to ignore the reality of it any longer. Boo was growing…no, Boo wasn't growing as such, but something else was growing out of Boo, like a vast and still intangible thundercloud bursting forth from a small seed. It grew and grew, becoming as large as Demogorgon himself, and then it took form, solidified. It wasn't merely as large as Demogorgon, but as ugly as well. The newly arrived monster was a little more humanoid than the two-headed baboon, but only a little. It was bright red, with a fat, bloated torso and vast, leathery bat-like wings. It had horns like a goat, and cloven hooves like a goat, and its eyes were the flat, dead black of a shark. It was smiling, a wide, delighted smile. Yes, monkey. It's me. Orcus is back, with a vengeance! Its voice reminded Zaerini of fangs ripping into raw meat.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD, Demogorgon said, now sounding rather sulky. I'M SURE I KILLED YOU. YOU WERE VERY RUDE TO COME BACK.
Ha! The true Prince of Demons cannot die, he will always rise again. Did you think I, the Lord of the Undead would be so easily bested? My essence drifted, yes, lost in the wilderness. Lost for a long time. And then, at long last, I came across a suitable vessel.
Rini found herself staring at Boo. The hamster seemed perfectly unharmed, and if Minsc was startled or upset by this turn of events, he didn't show it.
A HAMSTER. YOU RODE ABOUT IN A HAMSTER.
A hamster traveling with a group of adventurers as they were gradually growing more and more powerful, slowly heading closer and closer to my goal. To this place. To you, my old nemesis. A little helpful nudge here and there, as I slowly began to regain my wits and my powers speeded up the journey somewhat. There was a terrible smile on that vast, red face as the demon lord stepped closer to Demogorgon, his hooves clicking against the stone floor. You will not stand in my way this time. I will have the title rightfully mine, and you will be dust in the wind.
WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, LOBSTER-FACE. I WILL KILL YOU ONCE AGAIN, AND THIS TIME I WILL MAKE IT STICK LONGER.
Not if I kill you first, monkey-brain.
With that, the two demon-lords leapt at each other, in a flurry of flailing tentacles, rending claws and angrily lashing tails. Within seconds they were tangled together on the floor, biting and clawing, all thoughts of clever tactics or devious spells forgotten as they gave in to their primal hatred for each other. The noise of the battle was horrible, and as Rini dodged out of the way of a spurt of black blood she saw it hit the wall next to her and scorch deep grooves in it.
"The ritual!" Viconia yelled in her ear, the priestess' nails digging deep into her arm. "Use it, before it is too late!"
Startled, the half-elf nodded, hurriedly taking the scroll Milena had given her out of her pocket. It was true, she had no better option open to her. No matter which demon won, she didn't want to bet on it being inclined to offer her hugs and cookies afterwards. Not that I want hugs from either one of them. Or cookies. They'd probably be baked with something really gross. At least right now they're both distracted.
"Hurry up!" Sarevok shouted over the din of the battling demons. It was hard to tell, but she thought Demogorgon was beginning to gain a slight advantage over Orcus, having bitten one of his ears clean off and gained a chokehold with his tentacles.
She started reading, as fast as she dared without tripping over the words, and as she did, she could feel a power gathering around her. It felt as if somebody was holding her hands in a strong, yet gentle grip, guiding her, and there was a light shining from the scroll now, as bright a white as had shone from Milena's face. It was growing brighter and brighter, and the demons had noticed by now. They were turning towards her, screaming curses to curdle her blood but she kept reading, kept saying the words, letting them fill the world, expand it, reshape it. Claws were reaching out for her, tentacles as well, and a wave of fetid breath that smelled like an open grave hit her nostrils and nearly made her gag. Still, she kept reading, speaking the final word even as the tip of a tentacle touched her shoulder, burning through her clothes. Then, she fell silent, and the light faded, leaving the cell dim once again. There was no obvious sign of the two demon-lords, but the huge chains were intact once again, and there seemed to be more of them than before. Two sets? There were voices on the edge of her hearing, chittering furiously, but they were tiny and far away, the squealing of two rats trapped with nothing but each other for company. They could do nothing to her. Then all she could hear was her own ragged breathing and that of her companions.
"See?" Minsc said proudly, patting Boo on the head. The hamster looked entirely normal, and not a little pleased with himself as he lay back with his legs in the air to let the berserker tickle his tummy. "Did Minsc not say that Boo would take care of everything?"
