PART 1

What is love? What is fear? What is anxiety? Is any of it even real?

I stare at the mirror in front of me and continue brushing my hair. I pick it up into a ponytail with tensed fingers, the pit of my stomach roaring with disgust.

What does it even mean? Why does it matter so much? How does it happen? How did it happen with me? One minute I was being forced into an almost unbearably stressful situation with Yomi, next thing I knew I was head over heels.

Was it the sex? Was it the gifts? Was it the feeling of familiarity and belonging? Was it his overprotectiveness? Was it his jealousy? Was it his voice? When did it happen? How did it become what I feel now?

For the last ten years I thought I loved Karasu. I can't help but chuckle. That was kids play.

If what I felt for Karasu was the size of a pond, what I feel for Yomi is the size of the entire ocean. It completely took over me. It washed over my body, my heart and my brain, took over every living cell and atom.

Since I woke up at Yoko's house, there is a huge hole where my chest used to be. There is nothing there. It's hard to open the eyes, it's hard to walk, it's hard to breathe. It's hard to exist like this. Everything is so meaningless. I hate looking at myself.

Something cuts through the open space in my room and Hiei and Mukuro jump out of the vortex.

"Are you ready to go?" Hiei asks, scrunching his nose at the sight of my clothes.

"I just need to change," I hear myself tell him, but I am still deep in thought about my feelings, and love, and what everything actually means, and still wondering how I came to hate myself so much.

Mukuro looks around my room, as if trying to find an answer to an unasked question.

"I don't really know what to wear," I tell them. "Everything I have is so… human."

"You had time to get clothes," Hiei says. It isn't a question.

He knows how I've been, how hard it is to wake up each morning for me, he just doesn't show any sympathy for it. He never will, I don't expect him too.

I put on a black button up shirt and black trousers. Can't go wrong with business casual.

"Ready?" Mukuro is the one to ask this time, but I really need to go to the bathroom.

"Give me a minute."

I go inside the bathroom and lock the door. I might have caught a stomach virus, I am also very nauseous. I lean against the sink and consider not going. I can always go next time. There is no rush if I'm feeling this sick.

"Open the door, Kurama," He bangs loud on the door, making me jump a little.

"I am busy!" I try to sound calm, the tips of my fingers clawing against the edges of the sink.

"Open the door if you don't want to have to pay for repairs." I sigh and open up. "What is wrong with you?" Hiei asks sounding way more than annoyed, almost angry. He doesn't understand any of this.

Anxiety. So much anxiety, I am about to go into panic. My heart is beating so fast, I feel I might actually faint. I can barely take any breath in.

"You guys go, I… I can't," I manage to stutter. My hands have started shaking.

"We do this now, if we are to do it at all," he is stern. "You will go through the same thing whether you see him now or twenty years for now. Be strong. Let's get this over with."

"I don't think this is a good idea," I whisper to him.

"If you don't want to go, you don't have to come," Mukuro says.

"But you should come," is Hiei's response.

I think of Yomi, of standing next to him, of how all I wanted back then was to just be with him.

Yomi. It's always about Yomi.

"Let's go," I tell them, because I've thought of all of this before and I wanted to do this. I want to see him. I want to be around him, even if it's just to find out- to know- why he could never love me.

"Are you alright?" Mukuro seems concerned, I don't remember her being this gentle before. She looks smaller, has she lost weight? Or maybe it's just her clothes. She's wearing black cargo pants and a white tank top, and here I am worrying about looking formal.

I take deep breaths. In and out. I think of other things, I monitor my heart rate. I need to calm down. I've got this. He is just one man, he can't hurt me this much. As a matter of fact, I doubt he can hurt me much more than what he's already done. If anything, I should be immune.

I can do this. I take another deep breath and I'm ready to go.

Mukuro cuts into space with her sword again, and I compliment on how convenient it must be for them to travel. She can make a portal from wherever and to wherever she wants. Such power could only come from a Demon King.

We land in the palace, literally outside of the double doors to the meeting room. I didn't think it would be this soon.

"We are late," Hiei opens the doors and walks in, again with absolutely not a second thought.

Move your feet, Suichi, please… please, don't panic here.

But Mukuro pulls me by the arm, and I can feel my feet moving on their own. I swallow hard, I think I might pee myself, but I don't. The lights from the chandeliers inside the meeting room burn my eyes, I've been so hypersensitive.

"KURAMA!" Yusuke yells from across the table, waving me down, "come sit with me."

I look around. Straight across it's Yusuke and Hokushin. Yusuke is bigger, I can tell just by his presence that he is way stronger. His hair is messy and long, his arms and face covered in the marks of the Mazoku, but he continues with that same free-spirited smile from two-hundred years ago. I am glad. To the left are Koenma and Zein. Koenma is wearing a beautiful royal blue gown with the crown of Spirit World on his head. Zein is wearing black pants and a dark purple top, his hair is still very long, very jet black. His eyes are still a dark purple, his face is still pale. He looks up at me with soft eyes, I can't say my eyes area soft in return. To my right it's Youda, he has never left Yomi's side.

And then, it's Him.

Dressed in armor and light purples, he doesn't need a crown to look like a King. He is so beautiful. His face, his hair, his body, everything is perfect. My soul sinks into the pit of my stomach, but I hold myself together breathing one second at a time. I am here, I need to survive this. He should be the one that is this nervous, not me. Yet he is completely calm, his hand resting on his chin, his face turned towards me. I look away.

I walk to the first chair I find and pull at it, "I'll just sit here."

"What?!" Yusuke yells, "why?!"

"My highly unlikable, but yet necessary council," Mukuro pulls the chair next to me and sits. "We are already late so let's get started. You can have your reunion when we are done. Today, it's up to me to run this meeting, so let's start by introducing the scribe. It's Ayame today, Ayame, say "hi.'"

A small woman pokes her hand from behind the computer at a corner of the room and waves.

I am so thankful that Mukuro is getting started. Today it should just be in and out. I don't want to be here longer than needed. It will be like exposure therapy, every time, it should get better and better. A part of me thinks Mukuro might actually be doing this for me, and it makes me feel a bit more comfortable, but this is Mukuro, and I don't recall her even liking me much back then. Who knows?

"Well," Mukuro starts, "As always the main concern continues to be violence between demons and humans. Over the last three months, there have been reports of six more kidnappings and nine more deaths, bringing the total number of humans that have been killed by demons this year to twenty-seven and the total number of demons that have been killed by humans to thirty-six. There is just no way to have complete control of everything, people are still falling through the cracks. So, my proposal for this remains the same as the last time. We should classify the killing of another race, as a hate crime, and it should be punishable by death. Not just for demons, but for humans and spirits as well."

"Now Makuro, let's not be so hasty, " Koenma starts. "The numbers are rather low compared to other years-"

"But the crimes are getting worse," Mukuro cuts him off. "In the beginning, people were killing out of fear, they thought it was self-defense, now they are taking time to inflict torture. You can't compare The Worlds to two hundred years ago. The younger generations of humans know that demons are civilized, they are doing it on purpose. They hate us."

I am a little shocked, but honestly not surprised by the fact that more humans are killing demons, than demons are killing humans. It reminds me of Sensui. I hate to admit it, but a part of his assessment of the human race was right.

"We can't punish everyone, for a few," Koenma adds. "And demons are killing humans as well."

Mukuro and Koenma go at it, engaging in a heated argument. Nobody else gets involved. Mukuro wants to kill whoever is killing to make a statement that the killings should end. By the sound of it, this council is more open to the killing of demons that have killed humans, but are very lenient when it comes to humans that have killed demons. That has to be Koenma.

After fifteen minutes, Ayame stops them, "My Kings and council, it has been fifteen minutes, we will now take a vote. Today it is nine people in assistance instead of eight, due to this, instead of six votes for a law to pass, we will need seven votes to reach the eighty percent. The law in question is the following: King Mukuro is proposing, that everyone including humans, demons, and spirits, that partake in the act of killing someone of other race, and that act is proven to be conducted by treachery and advantage, not in self-defense, should be punished by death. All in favor, please raise your hand."

My hand goes up without a second thought, and everybody turns to me.

Mukuro, Youda, and Yomi's hands go up, nobody else.

Yusuke mutters, "what the hell?" and Koenma is making a ruckus.

"What do you mean what the hell?" I ask him. "Raise your hand up."

I turn to Hiei next, he shrugs his shoulders and turns away.

Ayame then calls off the vote saying the law didn't pass, and she will give another fifteen minutes to continue the discussion.

"Suichi,"Koenma starts. "They are talking about killing humans."

"Only the humans that have killed, themselves."

"But still, humans."

"Yes," I reply. "humans. Fragile little creatures, but with a brain, that should know not to be killing demons and spirits for no reason."

"I think that there are other ways-"

I cut him off, "obviously there isn't because whatever all of you have been trying for the last two centuries hasn't worked. This law should have been passed the day the Kekkai was brought down. We should take another vote and pass this immediately. This is very serious; we are on our way to repeat our same mistakes again. I am surprised by you, Koenma. You more than anyone in this table should know this, you've dealt with humanity."

He doesn't reply.

"Is another vote allowed?" I ask Ayame.

The council can vote up to three times on the same law every year. Today's vote was the second one for this law, so if you wish to call for a vote now, this topic will be off of discussion for the next nine months. It's up to you, if you think you need more time to explain you ideals-"

"That won't be necessary, we can take a vote now."

Ayame looks around the table, everyone is eyeing each other.

"It's common sense," I add. Just for the stares.

After another brief moment, Ayame continues, "Well… alright. King Mukuro is proposing, that everyone including humans, demons, and spirits, that partake in the act of killing someone of other race, and that act is proven to be conducted by treachery and advantage, not in self-defense, should be punished by death. All in favor, please raise your hand."

Again my hand goes up, Mukuro, Yomi and Youda as well.

I look at Hiei, he raises his hand.

"Get your hand up Yusuke," I order with a side look.

"Did Shiori not hug you enough this time around?" He mocks while slowly lifting his hand up, "Whoever thinks I should go ask Shiori where she went wrong in Kurama's childhood this time, raise your hand."

"King Yusuke's last comment is voided," Ayama announces with little care.

Hokushin raises his hand right after, as loyal to his King as ever. And I think that's it. We got all seven votes.

"Alright, this law has been agreed upon by more than eighty percent of the council, and thus it will take effect immediately," Ayame confirms.

It lasts about two hours, I am surprised by the lack of guidance and leadership. Everyone is all over the place. I focus on listening, jotting down notes and mostly keeping to myself unless called upon. This council needs better teamwork, that is my assessment.

When Mukuro finally calls the meeting off, Yusuke let's out a huge sigh, stretching up his arms, and calls for me again, very loudly.

I bring a finger to my lips, signaling him to quiet down, he smiles back. "I'll look for you, tea later?" I invite.

"For sure, but don't take long, you know I've missed you!"

The way he can just say what is on his mind without any concern for repercussions has always astonished me. I could never do that.

Mukuro waits for me, she pretends to make small talk, and now I know she is doing all of this for me. We are the first to walk out, and as soon as we are out the door she uses her sword to make a portal.

"After you," she invites.

I jump in as fast I can. Hiei and her follow.

PART 2

"You did great," Mukuro is really going for it. "That was really good!"

"I throw myself on the bed and look up at the ceiling. The world is slowly returning to itself. Yomi isn't here, he's an entire world away from me, I can breathe again.

"I had been trying to pass that law for the last ten years, and it was always at a standstill. I think Yusuke still feels some sense of loyalty towards his old boss, and Koenma is such a soft ruler. He will give one hundred chances before giving punishment."

Koenma… Zein.

"Mukuro, taking advantage of your kindness, do you think you could take me to Spirit World?"

Both her and Hiei give me a concerned look, then they look at each other, and she tells me, "whenever you're ready."

We land in Koenma's office. They still aren't here, maybe they stayed behind for small talk after the meeting. I remember being here before, the days we worked with Yusuke as Spirit Detectives. Those were the days…

We wait for about twenty minutes until they finally arrive, holding hands, I am sure because Zein can't travel between worlds freely. Koenma needs to pull him along.

"Hey guys," Zein starts. "Well now that we got rid of the weirdos, let's have the real meeting," he laughs playfully. I guess he'll never stop his jokes, but nobody else laughs, to which he makes a brief comment of how we are a tough crowd to please.

All of this seems so familiar, all that is missing now is Yomi.

I call his name. He looks at me with the same soft eyes as earlier, "may I please speak to you for a few minutes in private."

He looks at Koenma, who nods and kisses his cheek, "We will leave you two alone."

Koenma, Mukuro and Hiei walk out, and Zein and I are left staring at each other like a pair of idiots. I don't even know what exactly is the answer I am searching for, what do I want to hear from him?

He invites me to sit and request for one of his secretaries to bring us tea. I don't know how to start the questionnaire; I don't know what made me think I had the right to interrogate him to begin with. I take a sip of my tea and put the cup down taking a deep breath to relax.

"How are you?" He asks with a low-steady voice.

I look into his eyes, I remember him looking up at Yomi, smiling at him. I remember Yomi has been inside of him before, and anger brews in my stomach.

"I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how to pick up where I left off two centuries ago."

There is a long pause. We continue to sip our tea, blatantly looking at each other and then at the floor and the walls.

"What happened to your arm?"

He looks down at the metal, "Oh this? I got injured in the war, it was poison, it had to be cut off. My leg too," he adds, lifting up his pants, showing more metal. "But it was actually the biggest gift that I have ever received. This was how I got to know Koenma. Spirit World gave me this metal."

"Oh…"

"The surgery took many days, he was there the whole time. And after the recovery, we kept in touch." He leans across the tea table, "I am sure by now Hiei has told you what happened after you passed away."

"Well, most of it."

"Yoko was sent to hell and Yomi killed himself to be able to go after him."

Killed himself.

"He was gone for two years. During that time Koenma helped in rebuilding Gandara, he helped me keep the city afloat while Yomi was gone."

"He went after Yoko, all the way to hell," it actually sounds funny when I say it out loud.

"Yes, there was no way he was going to let him stay there, but when they came back I understood…" he stops.

"What did you understand?" Every single word I mutter is for a reason. Each of them echoes in my brain. I am sure Zein, Koenma, Mukuro and Hiei know I am not here to sip tea and catch up with a comrade. I am here for the mistake, the fluke, the diversion, the truth of how it is that Yomi, Yoko and Him, did not end up together. I want to know from him, hear from him what happened. I want to scavenge through every single one of his words.

"Yomi was completely fine with Yoko living with Touya. He was finally able to let him go."

"And you? He was able to let you go, too?"

He suddenly looks very tired. This subject must be something he put away a long time ago, but now is forced to relive without the energy required for it anymore. I am sure by now he's caught on to me, he knows my feelings remain, just by the questions I am asking. "He tried to stay with me. He asked me to, but I was tired of always being his second choice. When I meet Koenma," (and this is it, this is all I needed to see to realize his feelings for Koenma are true. As soon as he mentioned his name, his entire face lit up, his mouth turned to the biggest smile. Their relationship isn't a lie, it's real.) "-he made me his number one priority. For everything. He thought about me before he thought about himself. When he told me he loved me, I felt it. He was real. I couldn't turn it down, and I am glad. I made the right decision when I choose him."

"You are in love with him."

"I really am."

"I hear you have a daughter."

"Yes, and actually, her presentation into The World will be soon, I am hoping you can join us."

"Really?" I smile widely, "I've never been to such a glamorous event. I would be delighted."

"I will make sure you get an invitation."

"Thank you."

"But of course, Yomi will be there too."

"He's always everywhere, isn't he?" for the first time, while talking about him, my voice doesn't shake, and I don't feel like I am about to die. It's the effects of this guy in front of me, he is so easy going.

"Will you talk to him soon?" He asks.

"He begged me for forgiveness down on his knees, and even like that, I couldn't forgive him."

"Ouch…"

I chuckle.

"Maybe you just need time, healing wounds is difficult."

"You will not tell him what we spoke about."

"Of course not. That is up to you and him, but Suichi?"

"Yes?"

"He loves you. I know this."

"We can love, but that doesn't mean we have to be together. Right now, the best for me is to be without him. If he proves to me that he is a man with whom I would want to be with, instead of the monster he has showed me before, I might reconsider my decision."

He smiles, "you are strong, I don't know how you can do that."

"What would I win by running straight into his arms? If he hasn't changed, there will be nothing but misery there. I deserve happiness, and I'll have what I deserve, with or without him. I won't bend on this."

"Don't," he encourages. "And he loves you so much, I am sure he will do anything to make you and keep you happy, so I have no doubt that things will end up well for you both."

I take a moment to think about everything I just said. I literally, just now, admitted all of my feelings without stressing about it in the least.

I let out a very long sigh, "It took me so long to admit it, yet right here, with you, it took me but a few minutes."

He looks confused, "What do you mean."

"I love him, Zein. I fell madly in love with Yomi an entire lifetime ago, and I endured so much pain and so much fear with my mind set on not letting him go. And now I woke up two centuries later, in another body, in another time, and I am still madly in love with him even though he didn't choose me before. I should be embarrassed, but I'm not."

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, and you can't say he didn't choose you, can you? You died and he hasn't been in another relationship since."

"I admire you. You were strong enough to let him go."

"If he would have loved me, I would have killed you and Yoko in an instant," the look in his eyes turns in less than a second from gleaming light to dark and malicious. "I am insane when it comes to love. But he didn't love me, not the way I needed him to." And just like that his eyes go back to normal.

"You're kind of psychotic, aren't you? How is Koenma liking that?"

"Oh… he loves it! And mark my words, on my life, nobody will ever touch him but me."

"As it should be."

"I will kill-"

"I get it-"

"Murder-"

"Okay-"

"Completely destroy-"

"Alright-"

"Pull their guts out of their stomach and choke them with it!"

"I GET IT, OKAY," I snap. "Please, stop threatening me."

We both laugh out loud, then go back to our gloomy selves when he continues, "Yomi loves you, and he has had plenty of time to think over everything he did. You should at least give yourself the chance to be happy."

"Oh I will give it a chance, but under my terms. This time, I won't make the same mistakes."

"What are you planning?"

My answer is, "Yomi is perfect."

He frowns his brows, completely taken back, "Okkkkaaaayyyyyy? Some people would argue against-"

"He just needs to go back to how he used to be, before the heartbreak, and the pain, and the lies and manipulation. He needs to go back to being the earth."

I think he gets what I'm saying, but he can't grasp it like I do anymore. And that is another confirmation that he is, in fact, in love with Koenma and not with Yomi. I feel a huge weight lift off of my shoulders.

I shouldn't, but I do. I wonder if it could really happen. If everything is true.

What if Yomi has waited for me all these years? If he isn't in love with Yoko or Zein, then maybe… maybe…

"Zein, do you think he can be the Yomi from the past again? Or do you think that Yomi is gone forever?"

"All I know is that if there is anyone that could bring that side of him back out again, it would have to be you. I am rooting for you. Don't let me down."