"Prison break!" Jasper yelled, throwing open the door and holding it as Harper pushed Raven outside in the hospital wheelchair.
"Woo!" Raven threw her head back, squinting into the sun, looking more than a little relieved to be outside the confining white walls of the hospital. The group cheered and whooped as they made their way through the parking lot, everyone caught up in the excitement of Raven's release and the hope of a return to some form of normalcy for them all.
Clarke followed behind, watching the scene like it was a movie and she was only a spectator. Of course she was overjoyed that Raven had gotten discharged after being fitted for a full leg brace earlier that day, but something felt a bit off. It was probably because Bellamy hadn't shown back up since he'd left the night before, to get help on his homework. He also hadn't replied to anyone's texts, and Raven's Jeep was MIA.
Because of that, they were all piled into Miller's minivan, Raven in the passenger seat with her leg extended, laughing at someone's joke as the wind streaming through the open windows tousled her hair. Clarke stared outside as they drove, squished against the side in the back row beside Octavia, watching the buildings blur by.
"What's up Clarke?" Octavia's voice jolted Clarke from her thoughts.
"Huh?"
"What up with you, Clarke? You've been quiet all day."
"Oh, nothing. Just tired," Clarke lied easily, offering a small smile to her friend.
Octavia looked skeptical before asking, "Are you worried about Bell?"
"Aren't you? He's your brother," Clarke shot back, knowing the defensive tone of her voice was as good as an admission of guilt.
Octavia scoffed. "That's exactly why I'm not worried about him. He's a big boy, pretty sure he can take care of himself."
"But he just upped and left! He was going to get help on his English paper and he just never came back! You don't find that the least bit worrisome?"
Octavia leaned her head back on the seat, looking utterly unbothered. "Look Clarke, he's a grown ass man who has unrestricted access to a car for the first time in his life. I'm sure he just went out joyriding or something."
Clarke turned away with a sigh, dissatisfied with Octavia's explanation but knowing she wouldn't get a different one if she kept pushing. That would only serve to flair Octavia's temper, which was the last thing anyone needed right now.
But Clarke was still worried about Bellamy, but more than anything, she was selfishly hurt by his actions. If he was purposely ignoring everyone, especially on the day that Raven got released from the hospital, then maybe he wasn't the man she thought he was.
It just wasn't consistent with the Bellamy she had grown to know over the past several weeks. If he wasn't blowing them off, then that meant something was wrong, and no one seemed interested in figuring out what that was.
A darker, self-loathing part of Clarke's mind forced cruel thoughts to the forefront. Maybe he had finally had enough of Clarke's clinginess and her dependency. Maybe he was tired of her, and now that the whole world knew her secret, and Finn had been apprehended, he felt free of the burden of being Clarke's confidant.
"Home sweet home!" Miller shouted, shutting off the van in the parking lot of Frontier Hall. The brick building looked squatier than it had previously. It was the shortest Hall of the four freshmen dorms that made up the U's superblock. It was however, teeming with students. There always seemed to be a gathering around the superblock. People flocked to the area to sit outside and study or play basketball or party in the evenings. If you ever wanted something to do, all you had to do was walk into the area and there was sure to be some pickup game of soccer or club meeting you could join if you felt so inclined.
"Sweet home Alabama," Jasper started to sing as he got Raven's crutches from the trunk. It was starting to feel more like home, but less because of the building and more because of the people who lived in it.
Clarke listened to everyone banter as they hovered around Raven like she was a toddler about to take her first steps. In truth, Raven was already pretty capable of walking. With the aid of the crutches, she could get around, albeit a bit awkwardly, because her left leg just sort of dragged behind her. Now, with the new brace, she could walk fairly normally, although she had to keep pressure off her fresh incision site. With a bit of practice and physical therapy and more time to heal, the prosthetist told Raven she should have full mobility without crutches within a month or so. And, within an indeterminable amount of time, she should be able to walk with a barely noticeable limp once she built up the muscles necessary to move the bad leg.
All things considered, her prognosis was pretty good. It was hard to see her as lucky when her injury had the potential to be life long though.
Everyone squeezed into the elevator, and Clarke found herself longing for Bellamy's quiet steadiness amidst all the din and clamour. Jasper kept pulling Murphy's hood up, messing up his slicked back hair, and Murphy kept yanking it back off and smacking Jasper.
They piled off the elevator, Octavia giving Jasper a shove and sending him stumbling nearly into Raven. That earned the both of them a reprimanding comment and a frown. Clarke unlocked the door to her and Raven's dorm, which had gone vacant for the past week, and the guys dumped their hospital bags onto Clarke's bed.
"What's this?" Jasper pulled on a small white triangle sticking out from under Clarke's blanket. Before she could stop him, Jasper was holding up a large poster.
"Woah, this is amazing!" He exclaimed and Clarke hurried to snatch it back from him.
"What is it?" Everyone made their way over and Clarke had no choice but to reveal the special project she had spent the last several weeks working on. She had almost forgotten about it with all her time spent at the hospital lately, but it was nearly finished anyways.
"Well, I wanted to make you guys a better poster for your dodgeball thing so…" Clarke said, feeling sort of self-conscious now. Her art wasn't something she shared very often. In fact, she didn't even think some of them knew she liked to draw and paint.
She turned the poster for everyone to see, feeling a little bit gloomy that Bellamy wasn't there. He had almost discovered it when it was only half finished several weeks ago anyhow, and she hadn't let him see it then.
"You drew that?" Murphy seemed stupefied as he stared.
Clarke flushed. Murphy wasn't easy to impress and he was practically ogling.
"Yeah, but I used the picture that Harper took, so I didn't just make it up-"
"But you didn't trace it or anything? You drew it? With your hand?"
"Yeah," Clarke gave a half chuckle, lowering the poster to the bed so she could look at it herself.
The background was a sort of pastel maroon and gold with white borders. She had incorporated the boys original design of flaming dodgeballs in the corners, and written The Delinquients in bold black script across the top. She also listed each of the boys' names under the main feature of the poster: the drawing.
Harper had forwarded her the pictures she had taken that day of the first tournament, and Clarke had selected the best one; the only one where they were all looking in the general direction of the camera and making somewhat pleasant expressions.
Clarke looked down at the poster, to where she had carefully drawn Bellamy, with the goofy grin on his face, his arm slung over Miller's shoulders. She had spent several hours tracing out the faint lines of his face, his strong shoulders and all that curly hair. And now he wasn't even here to see it.
"We'll hang it up at the next tournament."
"Isn't it today?" Monty said, turning to Miller.
"Oh yeah…"
"No way I'm playing without Bellamy!" Jasper said quickly, whirling around to face the rest of the guys.
"Better track him down then, a no-show is a forfeit."
Octavia scoffed, flipping her glossy black hair over her shoulder. "Shouldn't have given him a car if you wanted to keep him around."
Raven narrowed her eyes. "He stole my Jeep?"
"No! He's just… I don't know! He gets like this sometimes, when he's fucked something up. He just disappears for a few days."
The room dissolved into loud voices and disagreements.
Clarke slipped quietly into the bathroom, locking the door and sitting on the closed toilet. She dialed Bellamy's number even though she knew he wasn't going to answer. Her knee bounced up and down as she listened to the phone ring.
"You've reached the voicemail of Bellamy Blake please leave your message after the to-"
Clarke clicked the end call button and clutched the phone to her chest, staring at the seam where the shower met the tile floor, and the dust that had collected there.
She could hear everyone else in the other room still talking loudly, but they must have settled their tempers and were now making jokes about how they were going to get killed at their tournament tonight without Bellamy.
"Remember that Lincoln guy? He is going to annihilate us!"
Maybe it was something to joke about, but Bellamy's sudden, unexplained absence made Clarke's chest churn with anxiety. She knew how quickly someone could disappear from your life, without even a chance to say goodbye.
"Clarke? You almost done in there?"
Clarke startled at the sound of a knock at the door. "Y-yeah, just a second!" she called back, standing from the toilet and wiping away a tear she had unknowingly shed. Thoughts of her father had invaded her already frazzled mind.
After a few more minutes, everyone dispersed back to their dorms, leaving with final well-wishes to Raven and assertions that they would be back later to check up on her.
The door shut behind Monty, and Clarke and Raven were alone together in their dorm for the first time in several weeks. The stillness and quietude of the room was unsettling after the last weeks of constant commotion and beeping and buzzing in the hospital.
For what felt like a long time, neither girl moved or spoke. They had had a couple of conversations in the hospital, when they had had a rare, conscious moment alone together, but nothing of the depth or magnitude required to broach the hefty topic of all that had transpired between them.
Clarke wasn't exactly dreading the inevitable conversation, but she certainly wasn't running towards it with open arms.
Raven, on the other hand, seemed to want to get it out of the way so they could move on from the whole event, as much as one could move on from a handicapping injury and a terrible breakup from your long term but suddenly deranged boyfriend. She said as much when she cleared her throat and started talking.
"Clarke, I am so, so sorry for what happened, and that I was too... ignorant to see the signs that you were suffering, or too stupid to connect the dots and realize what had happened. Looking back on it now, all the pieces were right there. I just had to think a little bit and put them together and then this whole disaster-" she gestured down at her limp leg, "-could have been prevented."
"Don't say that Raven! You couldn't have know what was going on, and that was my fault for not speaking up- I should have-"
"Don't say that, Clarke! Of course you didn't want to speak up! And honestly, I don't blame you. Not at all. If you had told me the day after it had happened, I probably wouldn't have believed you." Raven lowered her head, ashamed.
"I know, but that makes sense. Of course your loyalties would lie with the guy you'd known forever, not the roommate you'd met a week ago."
Raven only shook her head, and when she lifted her chin, Clarke saw the tears glistening in her eyes. That was startling, to say the least. Raven hadn't cried, at least voluntarily, throughout her entire hospital stay. She had grit her teeth, shouted out a couple curse words, and bared it. Now, she looked so vulnerable sitting there, crumpled on her bed, injured leg hanging uselessly.
"Finn stopped being the guy I knew and loved months ago, Clarke," she said sadly. "I just didn't want to admit it, so I kept trying to make excuses. I was scared because I felt so alone, like I was losing my best friend, my only family, and I didn't know what to do. So I stayed with him, even after he-" Raven choked on her words and shook her head, sounding so defeated in that moment that Clarke's feet carried her without hesitation to her side. Raven crumpled into Clarke, shaking with sobs so fierce they could only be expressed as silent, open mouthed shudders.
Clarke held Raven, murmuring affirmations to her friend as she released all her pent up emotions in a torrent of tears and strangled cries. It was a sort of emotional purge that felt necessary in order to move forward.
It was a long time after Raven's weeping subsided before she spoke up. Clarke was so wrapped up in her own head that she didn't register the words until Raven said them a second time.
"How'd you deal with it?"
Clarke smiled softly as Raven sat upright and wiped at her tear streaked face.
"I wouldn't have been able to, if it wasn't for-"
"Bellamy," Raven finished for her. Clarke nodded, absently running her fingers across Raven's quilt.
"Oh God," Raven smacked herself in the forehead and flopped back, exasperated. "And then I teased you two, and he was just- I am the worst person alive, Clarke. I'm so sorry."
Clarke couldn't help but giggle a bit at the memories of Raven's teasing. "Don't worry about it. Bellamy got a kick out of it, at least."
"He did, didn't he?"
Clarke nodded, images of Bellamy's grinning face and sounds of his laugh and the feel of his hand in hers flickered through her mind. The sensations were so real and tangible, it seemed impossible that the man they belonged to wasn't by her side right now. It caused a pang in her chest that could be described as nothing but longing.
"But Clarke?"
"Hmm?" Clarke replied, barely listening.
"What I saw, I wasn't making it up."
"Huh? Making what up?" Clarke's eyes locked with Raven's as she sat back up.
"Bellamy. I was only teasing because what I saw was real. I noticed it every time you two were in the same room with each other. It's that sort of cheesy romantic shit they talk about in the movies."
Clarke tried not to let her cheeks flush as she listened to Raven. "What do you mean?"
Raven rolled her eyes as she reached out and shook Clarke, her eyes quickly drying up as she moved on to this new topic. "Don't be dumb, Clarke! I'm no romantic, but even I notice all these little smiles and lingering looks and the unnecessary touching. How you guys somehow always end up sitting next to one another, or how Bellamy smiles at every little thing you say. Clarke, that boy is hopelessly in love with you!"
For a second, Clarke was frozen, then she shot off the bed like a rocket, too stunned to even put forward embarrassment. If it was all as obvious as Raven said, then why did this come as such a shock to her?
"No, no way," Clarke quickly said. "There is no way he loves me. Half the time I've spent with him, I was crying on his shoulder. He'd have to be a real fool to have feelings for me, Raven. I'm a fucking mess."
"You're not, Clarke. And, well, no one understands the mystery of love." Raven smirked and folded her arms behind her head, reclining like she was about to watch a particularly interesting movie unflod before her.
"Oh, shut up. You sound like a Hallmark greeting card," Clarke snapped, but she was grinning like a damn fool, and she knew it.
"At least Hallmark got something right, then."
Clarke knew for certain that Raven was wrong about one thing; Bellamy didn't love her. He might have some kind of feelings towards her, but nothing close to the level of love. They hadn't known each other for all that long, and Clarke was pretty sure love was something that took time to grow. That being said, she didn't exactly have any experience with love. Sure, she loved her parents and extended family, but she'd really only ever had one boyfriend when she was in high school. And if that was what love felt like...well…
"So now the question is, do you love him?"
"Of course," Clarke answered without thought.
"What?" Raven shrieked and Clarke staggered backwards.
"Not like that! He's my best friend and he saved my life. I owe him so much."
"Yeah, sure. But I'm talking about a-" Raven made an insinuating gesture, "-kind of love."
Clarke wrinkled her nose and wanted to say no, because the way she felt for Bellamy was so much more than anything physical, but it would be a blatant lie to say no to Raven right now.
"Hmm, just as I thought," Raven said, looking smug.
"It's not like that though! Sure Bellamy is, well, he's good looking, but he's also such a great guy, he's got such a big heart and he cares so much and-"
"And you want to fuck him?"
"Raven!"
Raven cackled, clearly enjoying tormenting Clarke, who covered her face with her hands. Up until this point, Clarke hadn't really considered the possibility of being anything more than good friends with Bellamy, despite her obvious attraction to him. In Clarke's mind, she was already damaged goods and Bellamy was just trying to put her pieces back together. She thought he saw her as just that; a project to be worked on, something to correct. Not someone to love and pursue a relationship with.
"Oh, Clarke! To be young and in love!"
Clarke only groaned, surrendering and flopping down on Raven's bed. "I don't even know where he is now. What if he's gone forever?"
"He'd better not be. That's my damn Jeep he's in," Raven said, before realizing that Clarke was serious. "He's not gone, Clarke. He wouldn't leave, especially not without telling you and Octavia first."
"How do you know that?" Clarke mumbled miserably.
"Because he told me where he was going, before he left. He wanted to ask permission before taking my Jeep."
Clarke narrowed her eyes at Raven. "Why didn't you say?"
"He asked me not to," Raven shrugged, "He said he needed some time alone to think, and that he'd be back soon."
"Soon? How long is soon?"
"I dunno, but I told him it was fine, 'cause I'm not going to be driving anytime soon." She patted her bum leg like it was a disobedient dog.
Clarke didn't have anything to say. It stung that Bellamy would leave without telling her, and then to have Raven lie about it. But she couldn't be mad for too long, because Raven had come clean, and in the end she had only been doing what Bellamy asked her to.
"But, I think that if he knew what you felt-"
"If you tell him Ra-"
"I'm not! Jeez. You're going to tell him." Clarke looked at Raven, wary about what her roommate was going to say next. "He is at Arkadia State Park, he said something about how he was going to bring you there, but now wasn't the time. Anyways, that's all I know."
Clarke flashed back to the night after the Gopher's game, when they had been discussing the merits of cricket noises and Bellamy had promised to take her to a place where the sounds of nature overpowered those of the city. Arkadia State Park. That must have been the place.
"I think if you go out there, it'd clear up a lot of his doubts, if you know what I mean."
Clarke did, but what was she supposed to do? Wander out there and go, 'Hey Bellamy, just letting you know that I also have feelings for you, so don't doubt it.'?
"How am I supposed to get there?"
Raven shrugged. "Miller's van?"
Clarke slung her coat over her arm and was out the door before she had really even figured out if she wanted to go.
"Get 'em girl!" Raven called after her.
Miller was a bit reluctant to let Clarke borrow the minivan. "Remember what happened last time, Clarke?"
"Yeah, but that was extenuating circumstances. Shouldn't happen again. I hope."
Miller frowned.
"Do you want him back for dodgeball tonight or not?" Clarke tried again.
"Yeah, yeah." Miller tossed her keys and asked her to be extra careful this time.
After Clarke looked up where Arkadia State Park was, she set out, driving stiffly out of the city. She tried to keep her full attention on the road, because if she let her thoughts wander too much, she was going to start thinking about things.
Her head started to clear as the buildings and bustling streets fell away behind her. It was refreshing to get out, if only for a little bit ,and Clarke immediately understood Bellamy's reasons for escape. She hadn't realized how tightly she had been holding the steering wheel until she relaxed back into the seat and rolled down the windows. The air had the beginning bite of winter on it, and carried the sweet scent of cut hay as she cruised past farm fields. The trees were changing into their fall colors, dropping red, yellow, and orange leaves on the highway where they were kicked up by cars and fluttered about in the breeze.
Soon, the landscape started to become more and more forested as she turned off the main road, onto a narrower gravel one. The van rumbled on, sending a cloud of dust behind it. Clarke pulled the van into a small grassy parking area that had a Welcome to Arkadia State Park sign, and Raven's Jeep situated in the far corner.
Clarke's heart leapt upon seeing the rusty old car, and she quickly put the van in park and got out, walking to the window. The Jeep was locked, and on the passenger's seat was Bellamy's phone.
"Idiot," Clarke muttered to herself, leaving the Jeep behind and following a path that opened into a picnic area with a shelter over some tables and a fire grate. Everything was deserted. The only sound was Clarke's feet on the leaf littered ground, crunching loudly in the still forest.
Across the clearing, there was a trail map and the standard Leave No Trace postings. It was sort of nostalgic for Clarke to see the brown message board with the carved yellow lettering. It was the same all the way back in Oregon, when she used to go camping with her dad.
Clarke wasn't exactly dressed for a strenuous hike, wearing only running shoes, leggings and a jacket, and according to the topographical map, the trails all had a decent bit of elevation to them.
For a minute or two, Clarke weighed her options. She could head into the park, unprepared, and maybe find Bellamy, or she could wait for him, or she could return back to campus empty handed.
There was really no decision, but Clarke wouldn't be Clarke if she didn't think everything through.
Starting up the trail, Clarke muttered, "Bellamy, if you actually want me to find you out here, you'd better send me some kind of sign."
Birds chirped and squirrels chattered as they leapt through the branches above Clarke's head. The path wound around into an old growth copse of red pines. Her footsteps were almost silent on the needle strewn path as she climbed the slight incline. The branches wove together, creating a natural roof where it was deeply shaded and quite chilly without the sunlight. After a few moments, Clarke's breath evened out and her mind stilled. Something about nature and solitude were sure to slow a person down and set them right.
Bellamy's sign came around the next corner, where the path leveled out at a fork and a trail map was posted.
The brown sign was carved with jagged trails and names, painted in with yellow. Branching off the Easternmost trail was a small line carved into the sign, not colored yellow. The wood beneath the carving was darkened with time and sloppily done. It had clearly been carved with a pen knife or some similarly inadequate carving tool, as the letters beside the added trail were all straight lines and harsh angles instead of curves and slopes.
Clarke smiled as she traced her finger over it.
Bell Tower.
The Eastern trail was easy enough to follow, but Bell Tower had only been marked on the first map, so once Clarke made it to the top of the trail, where it curved around the top of the river bluffs, she didn't exactly know where to go. Out of breath, she paused for a moment and took in the scenery before continuing on with a growing sense of urgency as she got nearer and nearer the marked spot on the map.
She scoured the edge of the trail, looking for a place where it would branch off; some disturbance in the undergrowth or bare path of earth. Clarke continued on, feeling discouraged as no sign came up. Who was to say Bellamy was even at this place? He could be anywhere in the park. Or he may not even be here at all.
With a huff, Clarke stood up and planted her hands on her hips, frowning into the trees. Despite her discouraging thoughts, she was determined to find Bell Tower, even if Bellamy wasn't there anymore.
A few moments after she started back on the trail the way she had come, something metallic glinted in the corner of her vision. Stepping through the ferns, Clarke uncovered a Coors can. Holding it up, she could see years worth of dirt and sunlight had faded the aluminum. And Bellamy said he didn't even drink.
Tossing it down, her eyes alighted on an unnaturally straight row of scrub grasses. Following it, Clarke found a narrow path that looked more like a deer run than a hiking trail, but it was more of a lead than she'd had a few moments ago.
Hurrying along the path, Clarke's heart leapt at the prospect of finding Bellamy. The idea of him roughing it in the forest was rather enticing, and Clarke pictured him wearing a flannel shirt and three days worth of stubble, even though he hadn't yet been gone 24 hours.
The trail narrowed further, winding out towards an outcropping on the tip-top of the river bluff. Rounding a bend of thick spruce, Clarke stopped in her tracks and gasped at the stunning view. Having grown up near the mountains, she hadn't thought the measly river bluffs much of anything. But the view was something completely different than a mountaintop vista. It wasn't as high or grand, but it was stunning in a completely different way. The Mississippi River valley spread like a gorgeous painting below, rimmed with marshlands and trees. Autumn was in full swing here, and the trees were stunning, showing off all hues from pale yellow to ruby red, spotted throughout with rich greens from the pines. The afternoon sun cast everything in a golden glow, setting the trees near the base of the bluff aflame.
The rest of the world ceased to exist from up here and time slowed to a crawl. An eagle swooped low across the treetops, making for the water. It's feathers glinted maroon in the light as it swung back skyward, a wriggling fish clamped in its talons. The pines whispered in the wind, scenting it sweetly.
It took some time for Clarke to even remember her real reason for coming here, and when she did, she saw a rock spire on the edge, reaching up into an impossibly blue sky. It was an anomaly, left over from a time when glaciers plowed through these lands, with a flat top and strangely smooth sides. At the base were several items scattered around; evidence of an inhabitant.
Clarke squinted, but could not make Bellamy out. She started towards the spire, stepping through thick underbrush, dangerously close to the edge of the bluff.
She recognised Bellamy's backpack at the base of the cliff, along with a few of his clothes. There wasn't much there. Glancing up at the rock, she could see obvious hand and foot holds carved into the limestone and was overcome with the strong desire to climb up it, even with her improper footwear.
It was heart pounding and daring, but Clarke scaled the spire, her fingers sliding into worn grooves in the impressionable rock. Even though she couldn't possibly know for sure, it felt like Bellamy's hands had worn the rock over the years.
As her head peeked over the top, Clarke squinted into the sun, shielding her eyes and she pulled herself up.
"Clarke."
"Ahh!"
"Woah!"
Clarke reeled backwards at the sound of her name, nearly tipping off the edge until a hand clamped onto her forearm. The hand pulled her into its adjoining body and Clarke relaxed.
"Hey Princess," Bellamy murmured, hugging her close, tighter than he'd ever held her before. Clarke could feel every ridge and curve of his body against hers in the most intimate way, even though it was a completely platonic gesture. Or was it?
"Hi Paris." The words were muffled into Bellamy's shoulder and Clarke didn't want to pull away as her own breath warmed her cheeks.
"You want to know something?"
"What?"
"I was hoping you would come out here."
At that Clarke pulled back to see his face, but kept her hands on either side of his neck. She felt him swallow and his Adam's apple bobbed up and down twice. She had been right about the stubble, wrong about the flannel.
"Why's that?" Clarke breathed, feeling bold with her face inches from his.
Bellamy gave that little half smirk. "Because I need you."
Clarke's heart skipped a beat. Something about those three words was all she ever wanted to hear. I need you. Somehow, it seemed far more significant than if he had three other infamous words.
"I need you, too."
Bellamy collapsed Clarke back to his chest, dragging her practically into his lap. The strength of his grip made the breath whoosh from Clarke's lungs, but when she was this close to him, she hardly needed to breathe anyway.
Clarke could feel his lips on her neck, his breath in her hair. He was so close and still not close enough. Nothing else mattered at that moment, because Clarke was right where she felt safe, right where she belonged.
AN_
Hi! I am so sorry, I meant to post this chapter last Friday but time got away from me. Here it is now, though!
I really hope you enjoyed this one, as it was a lot of fun to write. And we are SOOO close to the Bellarke moment we've all been patiently waiting for. Only a few more bumps in the metaphorical road.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, it means so much that you take time out of your busy lives to read my story and leave a kind word. You're amazing. :)
-Birch66724
