I saw the NY Special.

My favorite part was the rooftop party where everyone eats "magical hotdogs" and starts tripping on acid, changing colors, growing hair, and flying through the sky. I was laughing so hard because I had never seen a more innocent depiction of teenagers doing drugs. A+ metaphor, Astruc. A+. That's how you get things past the censors.


PROLOGUE

THERE WE GO! NOW WE'RE BACK ON TRACK!

{And... uh, they worked through their differences and inspired each other to become better space-animals...?}

...TO BE CONTINUED…


Miraculous Migraine
Episode 31: The Good Son Felix
By: I Write Big

Gabriel Agreste was happy.

I know, dear readers, it sounds wrong, but he really was. What exactly did he have to be happy about, you ask? Well, it wasn't that he'd finally gotten his hands on Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses. He was no closer to getting those than when he became Hawkmoth nearly a year ago. Was it because he had discovered the future Hawkmoth's identity and eliminated them? Nope, but he had Lila searching diligently for the culprit. So why was he happy? Read carefully and you might figure it out.

"And then Nathalie and I took this lovely stroll along the Seine," Gabriel reminisced as he polished his wedding rings in his hand. Even though the rings already shone like gems, he kept cleaning with a faraway enraptured look. "Well, I strolled and pushed Nathalie's wheelchair, but the stars were so beautiful that night and the moon was like the purest silver. I wish you could've seen it, Emi-poo."

Emilie Agreste kept on being a corpse in her glass coffin.

"What was that, Emi-poo?"

Emilie said nothing.

"Oh, yes, I suppose Nathalie and I have been getting along lately. It's nice to have such a friendly relationship with my employees. Tomorrow, I'm taking Nathalie to the movies."

Emilie continued to rot.

"W-What?!" Gabriel sputtered. "Me and Nathalie? No, of course not, Emi-poo! We're just friends. Besides, she's dating online, not that any of the guys she finds are worth her time."

Emilie stayed dead.

"What do you mean 'am I okay with that?' Why wouldn't I be? Nathalie can date anybody she wants."

Emilie sprang to life! No, I'm kidding. She didn't budge.

"Me? Ha! Right, good one, Emi-poo. Like Nathalie would want to date me. Me and Nathalie! Together! Ha! The thought has never crossed my mind even once." He smiled widely and held it. Sweat began to pour down his face. "Okay, I'm leaving!" He quickly opened the coffin, ignored the blaring sirens, slipped Emilie's wedding ring back on her finger, and shut it. "Gotta go do stuff that has nothing to do with my non-date with Nathalie tomorrow. Happy one year anniversary since you've been in a magical coma, Emi-poo, love you!"

As he scrambled out of the cathedral, a dumbstruck Nooroo watched alongside a proud Duusu.

"Holy fuck, it's working," Nooroo whispered in awe.

"Y'up, I know my ships," Duusu bragged.

Later, upstairs:

The heart monitor beeped at Nathalie's side with a dreary tone. She was no longer in a coma but now stuck in a wheelchair. She stared out the window, missing the taste of solid food and seriously wondering if this whole love thing was worth it.

"Nathalie!" Gabriel appeared, looking especially sweaty. "How's my favorite purely platonic friend but mostly an employee who I have no romantic feelings for doing?"

She weakly reached to the tablet on her armrest and typed. "The paternity test arrived, sir," her machine said in a robotic voice.

Gabriel looked lost. "Paternity test? What paternity test?"

"A while ago you asked me to ascertain a paternity test to be conducted on you and your nephew Felix." Lightning struck and wolves howled in the distance! All color drained from Gabriel's face as he vaguely remembered saying that. "The test is here and Felix—" Lightning struck and wolves howled in the distance! "—is on his way. Ape-Man is picking him up now."

Gabriel took a deep steadying breath in and breathed out, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."

"You should tell Adrien," Nathalie typed and shakily pointed out the window.

Just outside, Adrien hung streamers all over the garden statue of Emilie. "Happy one year anniversary of you being dead, Mother," they heard Adrien say cheerfully before presenting the statue a cupcake. "I brought you a treat. Don't eat it all at once."

"That's not normal," Gabriel muttered and donned a sunhat.

Outside:

"Happy Deathday to you, happy Deathday to you! You look like a monkey and you smell like one too!" Adrien sang and ended the song with some fireworks.

"Adrien, we need to talk," Gabriel said, hissing and grunting as he failed to keep to the shadows. He took a seat next to the boy just as he set off some Roman candles. "I know this must be a tough time for you and we all grieve in our own ways."

"Grieve? Mother has been gone for an entire year, Father," Adrien said without an ounce of sadness. He tooted a note on a party horn. "Mother would've wanted us to be happy, not cling desperately to her memory in some false hope that we could bring her back with dark forbidden magic."

"Uhhhhhh," Gabriel turned away guiltily. "Oddly specific. But you can't really know what she wanted."

"Actually, I do. She sent us this delayed email that got auto-sent this morning. See?" He held up his phone. "'Don't cling to my memory. Be happy. Move on with your lives and for the love of Astruc don't try to bring me back with dark forbidden magic.' It's all there."

Gabriel shook as he recognized his Emi-poo's digital signature.

"And that's why I fully support you and Nathalie being together," Adrien concluded.

"WHAAA? Me and Nathalie? HAHA!" The man stumbled back, not noticing he'd knocked off his sunhat. The direct light started to make him sweat and smoke and sizzle. "Don't talk crazy—We're just—She's just—"

Ding-dong!

"I'LL GET IT!" Gabriel barreled out of there.

Adrien shrugged and started dancing to some disco music, happy as can be.


Meanwhile, on the Liberty:

Marinette marched back and forth across the ship deck. "Adrien is definitely super-depressed today," she said to over half her class. "We need to find a way to lift his spirits. Suggestions?"

"I know what must be done," Kagami's voice sounded firmly from the group chat on Alya's tablet. "I shall perform my duty as his girlfriend and mate with Boyfriend Adrien."

"Yeah, that oughta work," Nino agreed.

"NO!" Marinette snatched the tablet and muted the rest of the callers. "Kagami, remember what I told you."

"'Girlfriends do not mate with their boyfriends?'" Kagami recited with uncertainty. "I still do not see how that makes any logical sense. Is mating not the goal of dating?"

"I'm the Westerner here, I know what I'm talking about. It's your duty as his girlfriend to not go anywhere near Adrien when he needs emotional support."

"Very well, Friend Marinette. I trust your judgment."

Marinette unmuted the rest of the class and handed Alya back her tablet. "Anyone else?"

"I know!" Lila chimed in. "You should all give me your family's life savings and I'll promise to buy Adrien something special."

"Yes, Lila," her class droned, pulling out their wallets.

"Or!" Marinette interjected, kicking Lila from the call. "Or we could make a video of each of us saying how much we all care about him."

The class considered this.

"Huh, I like that," Alya said.

"It's super sweet!" Rose chirped.

"We should totally do that," Nino agreed, then added, "I'm still gonna give every cent I own to Lila though."

Everyone else concurred and wired their bank accounts away.


Back at the Agreste Mansion:

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

"Me get," Fuu said. He carefully placed a bookmark in his copy of How To Mooch Off The Rich, slipped on his solid emerald slippers, and shuffled over to the front door. Before his fingers brushed the doorknob, Gabriel shoved him aside.

"Out of the way! I need a distraction!" he shouted. Gabriel took a moment to compose himself. "Get a grip, Gabriel. So what if Emilie specifically didn't want you to do exactly what you're doing? She said she didn't want a third pool but she changed her mind when you got her five more. So what if everyone mistakenly thinks you and Nathalie are a thing? You know the truth that there's nothing there and that's all that matters." He opened the door and saw…

"EMILIE!" Gabriel screamed. He dropped to the floor and crawled backward. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to fall in love with Nathalie! It just happened! FORGIVE ME!"

"GaAaabriEEeeel, you have forsaken meeeEEeEeeeEE!" the ghost of Emilie wailed and floated into the mansion. Her skin was paler than bone, her cheeks gaunt and dry, her eyes milky and dead. Thick fog trailed behind her as the apparition reached her craggly fingers for her adulterous husband's neck. "Put my spirit to rest! Give me your wedding riiiIIIIiiIIIIiiIiing!"

"I will! I'll give you my wedding ring—"

"Aunt Amelie!" Suddenly, Adrien leaped into the room and bearhugged the ghost. "It's so nice to see you again."

"Wait. Aunt Amelie?" Gabriel stared in disbelief as his son and his dead wife swung back and forth in the air. He only then noticed the wires coming out of the dead woman's back and the fog machine chugging in the corner. Gabriel got up and wiped Emilie's pale face. The makeup easily came off to reveal healthy living skin.

"Um, you got me?" Aunt Amelie smiled innocently.

"Amelie, what the hell, you Elsa-looking fucker!" Gabriel ripped the woman off the wires and plopped her on the floor.

"Oh you know how us twins are," Amelie chuckled, removing the rest of the ghoulish costume. "Always pretending to be the other twin."

"Emilie is dead!" Gabriel roared.

"For a whole year!" Adrien happily added and tooted on his party horn.

"Exactly! You would not believe how many times I've made my parents cry with this prank," Amelie bragged. "Give me your wedding ring, Gabriel."

"What?"

"I said speaking of making my parents cry, Felix, come in and say hi!"

Lightning cracked! Wolves howled! From somewhere in the mansion's cavernous depths an orchestra went DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!

Into the mansion stepped a boy. A boy who looked nearly identical to Adrien. The boy carried himself arrogantly with his hands clasped behind his back in a commanding posture Gabriel knew too well. With every footfall, the air became colder and colder until icicles hung from the ceiling. On the boy's face was a scowl Gabriel saw in the bathroom mirror every day. Gabriel gulped. Suddenly the idea of needing a paternity test didn't sound so crazy.

"Felix!" Adrien cheered and hugged the boy. Lightning cracked! Wolves howled!

"Hello, cousin," Felix growled. "Hello, uncle," he said to Gabriel in a near-perfect imitation of the man.

"My goodness, look at these two!" Amelie gushed, hugging both Adrien and Felix. "They're cousins and yet practically twins! Remember how they'd pretend to be one another? Once they had you and Emilie fooled for an entire weekend."

"I spent that weekend buried alive in the backyard," Adrien laughed.

"Yes..." Gabriel agreed nervously, his throat very dry. "They could've switched places and we would've never noticed."

"Switched places?" The corners of Felix's mouth curled up into a cruel twisted grin. "I'd never do that." Behind him, a mechanical arm lowered and reached for his hair.

"Hey, Felix!" Adrien said. Lightning cracked! Wolves howled! Ice froze the mechanical arm solid before it could pluck a strand! "We should play that game we played last time you visited!"

"Sell You Into Slavery?" Felix scowled so hard he somehow looked delighted and followed Adrien upstairs. "I'd love to, cousin. Where do you keep your duck tape?"

"Dammit," Gabriel muttered as his possible son escaped. "Please don't be my child. That's the last thing I need."

"You know what I need?" Amelie said, suddenly pressing against him. "Your wedding ring. Give it to me!"

Gabriel was taken aback. "You were serious? Amelie, I know these rings are your family's heirlooms, but besides the corpse in the basement, my ring is the only thing I have to remember Emilie by. Are you really heartless enough to demand it?"

"Yes." Amelie drew a pair of hedge clippers. "I said gimme!"

Snip snip snip!


On the Liberty:

Alya finished up her video message to Adrien. Everyone had officially recorded something. Almost everyone.

"You're last, Marinette," Nino said. "You ready?"

"Ready?!" Marinette looked up from her 10,000-page declaration of love. "I'm still on my 3rd draft! I've barely scratched the surface! I need more time—" A ball of ice collided with Marinette's spine. The numbing sensation spread to her limbs and she took the tablet without wanting to. "Thanks. I'll record my message in private," she moaned like the undead. Then her legs carried her to the ship's helm. Nobody followed.

Tikki at last de-possessed her and Marinette gasped. "Tikki, you said you'd stop doing th—"

"Marinette," the kwami said, "I'm only telling you this because I hate you. There will never be a right time to tell Adrien how you feel."

The protest vanished from Marinette's stunned mind.

"There will never be a perfect sunset, no just-right emotional climax, no rainbow in the sky made of gummy bears. You've waited so fucking long, he's started dating another girl. Hell, you've waited so fucking long, you now like three boys, and maybe a girl, and you don't have the guts to date any of them. Look around you. Almost your entire class has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Alya has had both! She's had a boyfriend, broken up with him, and lived! This?" Tikki tapped the waiting tablet. "This won't kill you. I will."

"You can't kill me," Marinette pointed out.

Tikki grabbed one of the girl's fingers and snapped it the wrong way.

"GAAAH! Okay! Okay! I'll do it!" Marinette raised the tablet and stared at herself, the only obstacle in the way. She pressed record. "Adrien, I… I just want you to know that you're a really good friend—GAAAAH!"

"Wrong," Tikki simply said, grabbing a third finger to dislocate.

"Okay! Okay! OKAY!" She held back the tears. "Adrien, you mean a lot to me. As a friend—GAAAAH!"

"We've got so many fingers left. And after those we've got toes," Tikki reminded.

"Adrien, I-I-I like you—GAAAH!"

"Better."

"Adrien, I r-r-really like you—GAAAAAH!"

"Almost."

"Adrien, I like like like—GAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Are you 7?"

"ADRIEN, I LOVE YOU!"

The next finger dropped from Tikki's nubs. Marinette, gobsmacked beyond belief at what she'd said, took a deep breath and said it again.

"Adrien, I… love you." Hearing it out loud, knowing that Adrien would hear her, gave her more courage and the rest came tumbling out. "I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will." She stopped the recording and leaned back. A great burden had been lifted. She'd spoken her heart and nobody could take that away from—

Marinette saw her class staring at her through the window.

She stared back.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Marinette screamed.

"GET THE TABLET!" Alya ordered.


Outside the Agreste Mansion:

A big wooden crate sat outside the gates. Printed on its sides were the instructions To: Antarctica and Do Not Return To Sender and Contents Not Fragile, Shake To Your Heart's Content.

"Please, let me go! I'm not property, I'm a human being!" Adrien wailed from inside. "Okay, now you say, 'Quit your yapping, dog,' Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

There was no response.

"Felix?"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

Plagg poked his head out of the box. "Uh, dude, your cousin isn't here. And I think he's really trying to ship you out of the country."

"What?" Adrien, tied from head to toe in duck tape, kicked the crate open and saw his surroundings. "Haha! That Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—is such a prankster." He hobbled back inside.

"Adrien, is this normal?" Plagg asked. "Usually families only try to hurt each other over the holidays."

"Relax, Plagg. Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—isn't trying to be mean. He's a really fun guy." A pained look crossed Adrien's face. "But, you know, his dad died not too long ago, so he might be prone to acting out a bit more."

They reached Adrien's room and found the bed was on fire.

"Oh. You escaped. How unfortunate." Felix frowned and fed the portrait of Chat Noir and Ladybug kissing to the flames. "I see you're a Ladybug fan. Pathetic."

Adrien matched that frown as he cut his binds. Things were definitely something different about Felix. Normally his cousin only burned the couch. Losing his dad must've affected him more than he was showing.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to your dad's funeral," Adrien said sincerely. "It was so soon after we lost Mother, and Father thought it'd be too hard on me, considering..."

Felix's stern grimace softened and he faced his cousin. Without a word, he came to Adrien and began patting him down for valuables. Adrien, in his naiveté, thought Felix blatantly taking his phone, his wallet, and his keys was some kind of hug and felt understanding and forgiveness that weren't really there.

"You know what I want to play?" Felix said as he counted out the stolen euros. "A good ol' game of Whip The Middle Class."

"Yeah!" Adrien ran up his bedroom's diamond-encrusted spiral staircase. "I think I still have my rusty chains around here somewhere."

As Adrien searched, Felix continued around the room, destroying anything and everything he could find. The old arcade systems, the foosball table, the 9-screen computer porn-corner, all of them were smashed to smithereens. Plagg watched the destruction in shock while Adrien continued to search. The kwami flew to the boy.

"Dude! He's wrecking your stuff!"

"Who? Felix?" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "Yeah, he can play a bit rough but don't worry, Father can replace it all. It's just stuff."

"It's just stuff…? Huh." In his endless existence, Plagg had never heard this novel phrase before. "Well, if it doesn't bother you, then I guess I shouldn't let it bother meEEEEEEE!" Plagg screeched as he watched Felix drive a bulldozer over his camembert castle. "That son of a bitch and possibly your father! I'LL KILL HIM!"

Adrien grabbed the kwami before he could eviscerate Felix. The pair wrestled a floor above as Felix finished his reign of destruction.

"I'm taking your clothes and using your shower," Felix said. "Not asking for permission."


Back on the Liberty:

"I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! DON'T SEND IT!" Marinette cried from under the collective mass of her class.

"Hurry, Alya!" Kim begged. "She's breaking free!"

"Almost… done… uploading..." Alya sweated rivers. The bar slowly filled at a snail's pace while Marinette sounded more rabid and erratic. "Come on… come on..."

"HE CAN'T (KNOW!") The Beast roared and chucked the entire dogpile overboard. Alya trembled at death and its red eyes and its sharp fangs and its barbed claws. ("GIVE IT TO ME!")

Beep. "Upload complete. Message sent," chimed the tablet.

The world stopped.

The Beast retreated into Marinette and the girl whimpered, "No."

"Girl, it's okay," Alya assured. "It's out there now. He knows and that's a good thing."

Luka was suddenly at her side and placed a warm hand on her shoulder. "No matter his response, Miss. I'll be here for you."

They waited as Marinette wiped the tears away. "You're right." She stood tall and brave. "I can't stop it anymore. He knows."

A moment passed.

"Unless I destroy his phone first!" Marinette bolted off the ship.

"Oh dear," Luka sighed.


In Adrien's room:

Adrien was barely keeping Plagg contained in his hands. "Let me at him!" the kwami snarled. "I'm gonna skin that bastard alive!"

"Plagg, calm down! What's wrong with you? You're never this angry about anything!"

"BECAUSE NOBODY WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO TOUCH MY CHEEEEEEEEESE!"

"Take it easy! He's just acting out because he lost his dad!"

In Adrien's bathroom:

The shower was running, as were the sinks. Every drain was clogged with towels and water began to spill onto the floor. Felix wasn't in the shower. He was leaning against the wall, having finished wiring a chunk of the Agreste fortune to himself and was now steadily skimming through Adrien's phone, deleting any photo or contact that looked precious. The phone rumbled with a new message and Felix immediately opened it.

"S'up, dude!" a pre-recorded boy said. "I know this is a nasty time for you, dude, but we're totally here for you. And could I borrow a couple grand? I kinda gave Lila everything I had."

Felix had no reaction. The next clip showed a small girl in pink. "I'm still not sure what dead means," she said. "But Juleka says I should give you my colons."

"Condolences," someone sighed offscreen.

"Yeah, that—"

Felix skipped to the next clip.

"Friend Marinette has informed me that as your girlfriend I must give you 'space,'" said a Japanese girl. She strapped on a spacesuit. "I shall return with a sample of the interstellar vacuum, Boyfriend Adrien."

Skip.

An Italian girl with a sly grin: "I said I was going to buy you something nice with all the money the class gave me but the orphans need it more for their open-heart surgeries," she lied.

Skip.

"Ivan sorry. Ivan here for friend."

Skip.

"If there's anything you require, Young Master—"

Skip.

"I get it. You lost your mom, I lost the chance to be Queen Bee. They're practically the same thing. Only I DESERVE TO BE QUEEN B—"

Skip.

"Adrien, I... love you. I've loved you for so long and I'm here for you, no matter what you need. I love you, Adrien Agreste, and I always will."

The outpouring of love and friendship sickened Felix. The boy clenched the phone so tight the screen cracked. The running water solidified into ice and the bathroom became a winter wasteland. Despite the frigid temperature, Felix did not shiver, his teeth did not chatter. He didn't even see his own breath. He turned to the clothes he'd stolen from Adrien's closet.

Meanwhile, a few blocks away:

"Marinette, stop!" Alya yelled through the Liberty's bullhorn. The ship's anchor tore up the cobblestone road as Marinette dragged the vessel behind her like a wagon. Marinette was chained to the boat that weighed several tons and yet she was still moving.

"Just let it happen!" her class begged, pulling the chain against her.

"No!" Marinette wailed, taking another powerful step. "I can still stop this! I can do a better love confession! (It has to be PERFECT!")

Beep.

Marinette stopped. She slowly turned around. "Was that?"

"He responded!" Alya declared.

The class hurrahed and gathered around the tablet. Marinette collapsed on the road, ready to die. Then Luka sat beside here with his phone. "Keep your chin up, Miss. The worst is over," he said and played Adrien's video.

"I hate all of you!" Adrien spat.

Gasps erupted left and right!

"You lower-middle-class losers are not worth the air you breathe!"

Gasp!

"Chloe, you've only become more spoiled and rotten!"

GASP!

"Japanese girl, you're a terrible girlfriend!"

GASP!

"Ladybug is old news! I'm over her!"

GASP!

"And that last girl who confessed her undying love for me? You're pathetic, ugly, and a waste of existence. Burn in hell."

The video ended and it got very quiet.

Luka glanced at the ship where no doubt the Young Master's class was mortified. Miss Dupain-Cheng, though, was the priority. "Miss..." he said carefully.

"He rejected me," Marinette whispered to the street.

It somehow got even quieter. Luka suddenly had that tingling sensation only dogs get right before an earthquake strikes. "Miss," he tried again. "I'm still here. If you need to talk—"

"It's fine."

Luka hadn't been human for long, but even he knew the calm way she'd said those words were anything but fine.

"My Adrien just made a mistake, that's all." The corners of Marinette's mouth crept up towards her ears and twitched and twitched and twitched. "I just have to show him why he's wrong. I just have to show my Adrien that there's no one else in this world who deserves him." The chains began to snap like twigs. "And then we can be together forever and ever and ever (and ever.")

"Oh dear..."


In Gabriel's Office:

A mountain of furniture formed a wall against the door. From the other side came a dreaded neverending snipping. "Come out, Gabriel." Snip snip snip. "It's just a little cut." Snip snip snip. "All I want is the wedding ring." Snip snip snip.

"You're insane!" Gabriel cried from under his desk.

"You know what this reminds me of, Gabriel?" Snip snip snip. "Our trip to Cabo."

"Cabo?"

Snip snip snip. "Remember how we paid the hotel manager to trap the staff in a hedge maze that was slowly burning?" Snip snip snip.

Gabriel stood from his hiding spot. "You weren't there. I went to Cabo with Emilie."

Snip snip snip. "Maybe you did or maybe Emilie needed a break from your clinginess and asked her twin sister to tag in for a weekend." Snip snip snip. "Again."

The insinuation stopped the man cold. "Again?" he squeaked.

Snip snip snip. "That time you suggested you all go camping in the mansion's indoor park? Me. That week you were convinced the lower class was going to rise up and you put the entire block on lockdown? Me. Your ninth anniversary when you thought installing seven more moats was romantic? All me." Snip snip snip. "You know how Emilie was, she hated the idea of being cooped up." Snip snip snip. "At least she doesn't have to worry about that anymore."

Gabriel collapsed into his chair. Was it true? Had he not only switched his son with his nephew but also drove his wife away with his overprotectiveness? Had she really felt trapped? Like he was keeping her away from the world? Like he was going to seal her in a glass coffin and stow her in a secret underground cathedr—

"Ohhhhhhh..." Gabriel was suddenly filled with shame. "Oh fuck. I've been very stupid."

"Sir," said a mechanical voice.

"AAAH!" Gabriel jumped and fell out of his chair. It was Nathalie. "What? Why haven't the radioactive mimes taken care of her yet?"

"Because she scares them, sir," Nathalie's tablet said as she typed. "However, we just received this from Lila." She pulled up the message from Adrien.

"And you know who else I hate?" the boy spat. "My dad! He's such a control freak! With his stupid rules and his stupid curfews and his stupid bottomless vaults of money! I HATE HIM!"

"Adrien! No!" Gabriel sobbed. "My boy, why?"

"Sir," Nathalie interrupted the waterworks. "Adrien doesn't call you 'dad.' That's clearly Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Oh." Gabriel wiped away the snot and straightened his suit. "Right. I knew that. This is the perfect opportunity to get the DNA sample from Felix." Lightning struck! Wolved howled! "Nathalie, keep Amelie busy."

He entered the mini-elevator and rode it to the hidden tower.

Once alone, Nathalie steered her wheelchair to the blocked-off door and her eyes turned blood-red. ("Knock knock,") she said with her own mouth.


Meanwhile in the hidden tower:

A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man spiraling out of control. "But if Felix is my son, wouldn't that mean I have to give Adrien to Amelie?" Gabriel asked himself. "Would he be happier with her? With a mother?"

Nooroo groaned. "Holy fuck, can we stop with the soap opera melodrama and get to the Akuma already?"

"You're right, Nooroo. First things first. Nooroo, dark wings rise!" In a powerful pulse of purple, he transformed into Hawkmoth. He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off. Across the city, it fluttered until it found the beached Liberty.

"Miss, look!" Luka pointed as he tried to keep the last of the chains on The Beast. They saw the dark messenger fly to the ship.

("Good,") The Beast said in a disturbingly calm voice and marched into an alley to transform.

The black butterfly shattered on the tablet Juleka, Alya, and Rose were all holding and pairs of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on all three of their faces.

"Whoa! I didn't know I could do this!" Hawkmoth said. "I can akumatize multiple people with one Akuma? Huh. Note to self: akumatize an airplane and get myself an entire army. Anyways, Reflekta, Lady Wifi, Princess Fragrance, you three are now the Punishers Trio™! With your powers combined, you will get me a DNA sample of Felix!"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Yes, Hawkmoth!" the three replied and were swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into their old Akuma forms! "We shall not rest until we've made Adrien pay!"

Hawkmoth sputtered, "Waitwaitwait! It wasn't Adri—"

"Hi, girls!" Ladybug landed on the boat, eyes bloodshot, hair fraying, teeth cracking. Madness in human form. "My poor Adrien is so confused. He thinks he doesn't love me when we're clearly destined for one another. We need to fix that—" Her sights landed on Princess Fragrance. "Who the hell are you?"

"Princess Fragrance," the Akuma happily said. "We've never met but I can hypnotize anyone with my perfume blaster."

"PF!" Lady Wifi shouted. "What's the big idea? Now she knows exactly what to expect! Use your brain, you knucklehead." She gave Princess Fragrance a bonk on the head.

"Hey, take it easy, Lady Wifi," Reflekta said.

"Easy? I'll show you easy." Lady Wifi held up her fingers. "Pick two."

"Okay, one, two."

"Good choice." Lady Wifi poked Reflekta in the eyes with the chosen fingers.

"Ow! Why I oughta!" Reflekta shoved Lady Wifi and the wireless villain tumbled over Princess Fragrance who'd tactfully kneeled behind her.

"Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk," Princess Fragrance snickered.

Ladybug watched all of this, still crazed but yet completely dumbfounded. "The fuck…?"

Hawkmoth massaged his head. "Oh my Big Red X, they're not the Punishers Trio™, they're the Three Stooges."

"Enough horsing around, ladies," Lady Wifi said. "We got a job to do. Let's get Adrien."

"Hold on!" Hawkmoth cried. "It wasn't—"

The Punishers Trio™ vanished into a phone.

"Fuck!" Hawkmoth dialed Nathalie on his majestic cane. "I fucked up! Get Adrien to safety!"

In the mansion:

Nathalie shut Amelie's unconscious body in a closet and rode the marble escalator. She wheeled her way as fast she could to Adrien's room and burst through the door. "Adrien," she typed. "We need to—"

She stopped cold.

There were two Adriens in the room, dressed in the same clothes and the same hair. They were identical. The only difference was one Adrien was hoisting the other tied-up Adrien over a cauldron of bubbling oil.

"A-Adrien?"

"Yes?" they both responded.

The Adrien hanging over death chuckled. "Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—this old game again?"

The other Adrien chuckled back. "Who are you calling Felix, Felix?" Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"There's no time!" Nathalie typed furiously. "Adrien, you need to come with me now!"

Bzzt.

The Adrien holding the rope checked his phone. In a flash of light, the Punishers Trio™ appeared in the room.

"Hellooooo!" sang Lady Wifi.

"Helloooooooo!" Reflekta joined in.

"Hellooooooooooo!" Princess Fragrance sang too, making a small chorus of hellos.

All three aimed their weapons. "We're here to shoot you—" Reflekta's line ended there when they all saw the multiple boys. "The hell?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you!" Hawkmoth said. "Adrien didn't send you that hurtful message. It was his cousin Felix!" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "Now get me some of his hair!"

"Ohhhhh," the Punishers Trio™ said.

"Which one of you wise guys is Felix?!" Reflekta demanded. Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "I'm gonna make you look just like me!"

"And then I'm gonna pause you!" Lady Wifi added.

"And then I'm gonna make you my obedient servant!" Princess Fragrance concluded.

Lady Wifi frowned at her. "They're already paused. Why would we need them to obey us? Use your head." Another bonk to the head that sent Princess Fragrance spinning. Lady Wifi fast-forwarded her until she became a green-skinned tornado.

"Ooh, that's neat," Reflekta said. "Can you do me?"

"Do this." Lady Wifi swiped a scene-skip button at her and Reflekta was suddenly crushed under an anvil.

"For the love of—FOCUS!" Hawkmoth ordered.

"Oh! Right!" Lady Wifi fixed her partners in crime and they all aimed their weapons at the boys again. "Which one of you is Felix?"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"He is," both Adrien's pointed at the other. "No, I'm not. You are. Stop copying me, Felix!"

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Ugh, screw it!" Lady Wifi said. "Why do we care if we hurt Adrien? We're evil! Let's just blast both of them and figure it out later."

WHAM!

Lady Wifi stumbled back, missing a couple of teeth. Towering over the three Akumas was Nathalie, standing on her feet and her eyes blazing red and blue.

"N-Nathalie!" one of the Adriens stammered. "But your dizzy spells!"

("I'll be fine. Go.")

Nathalie then proceeded to kick the ever-living crap out of the Akumas like they were nothing. Duusu watched from a corner, wishing it could get in on the action. Hawkmoth found the display especially hot.

"Felix!" one Adrien said. Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "You need to come clean and apologize." An errant pink ray turned Ladydoll into robo-Reflekta.

"Me? You're the one who made that video, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! The boys dove to the ground to avoid the barrage of wild pause symbols.

"This isn't fun anymore, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "People are getting hurt!" Behind them, Princess Fragrance tried to flee, wailing, "Whoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!" but got snatched by Nathalie and dragged back into the beating.

"I know! That's why you need to say you're sorry!"

"Excuse me," a new voice interrupted.

Everybody stopped. Fuu was in the room. He calmly walked past the frozen-mid-fight women and said to one of the boys, "Adrien, me need borrow ruby."

"Again?" One of the Adriens pulled a handful of precious gems from his pocket and gave Fuu several rubies. "Make them last this time, okay?"

"Me no promise. Me have gambling addiction." He headed out.

"Hey! Whoa!" Princess Fragrance stopped him. "How do you know that's Adrien?"

"Uh, hello?" Fuu grabbed the real Adrien's arm and pointed at the silver ring on his finger that the other Adrien lacked.

Everybody blinked.

"Wonderful," the real Adrien said pleasantly. "Now that we know who is who, we can all talk this out and solve our problems maturely."

"GET HIM!" Reflekta roared.

"Or not." Adrien sighed and snuck out to transform.

As soon as he was gone, Lady Wifi finally paused Nathalie and the Punishers Trio™ turned their vile attention to Felix.

"Nowhere left to run," Lady Wifi taunted.

"Nowhere left to hide," Reflekta added.

"Nowhere left to… to… um… yeah, I got nothing," Princess Fragrance admitted.

"I got something for you." Lady Wifi went for a bonk. Princess Fragrance ducked and Reflekta got whapped instead.

"Hey!" Reflekta swung, Lady Wifi rewound her, and Reflekta punched herself. "Ow! You little—"

"Enough! Pull yourselves together, ladies. We got a job to do!" Lady Wifi said. The Punishers Trio™ aimed their weapons at Felix. The boy wasn't afraid. In fact, he looked eager. He cracked his knuckles, popped his neck, and scowled so hard that he somehow looked delighted.

"Fair warning," Felix said. "I know karate."

"They teach you how to dodge bullets in karate?" Lady Wifi asked, unimpressed.

The Punishers Trio™ opened fire! Waves of pause symbols, pink rays, and green perfume assaulted Felix like a hailstorm!

And he avoided every shot.

The Punishers Trio™ stared at the untouched boy surrounded by smoking holes and smoldering drywall.

"Huh. I guess they do," Lady Wifi said.

Felix charged!

In the hidden tower:

Hawkmoth watched his team get their asses handed to them yet again by his nephew. This was not a productive use of his time. "You know what," he said to himself. "Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—left his suitcase downstairs. I could just take his hairbrush from there and get a DNA sample that way."

He thought this over.

"Yeah, I'm gonna do that." Hawkmoth de-transformed and got on the mini-elevator.

In Adrien's room:

Felix roundhouse kicked the trio across the room. Before he could find something heavy and sharp, a yo-yo lassoed him and wrenched him out the window. Over several rooftops, he flew until he landed in the arms of a madwoman.

"Hot stuff! Hi!" Ladybug said. Her unstable face smooshed against his. "What a coincidence, you and me meeting up like this. HAHAAH! It must be fate."

Felix held back his evil grin. "Yes, Ladybug, it's me Adrien Agreste. And I—"

Click.

Felix only then noticed the chains that looked so thick that they belonged on a boat. He had somehow missed Ladybug wrapping him in them and padlocking him to a sunbathing chair.

"Don't worry about those," Ladybug assured. Her wide, unsettling stare burned into his soul and he knew those cold, hungry, heart-shaped eyes would haunt his nightmares. If they weren't disturbing enough, somehow Ladybug was… purring. Not in a metaphorical flirty way. Literally. Like a cat. "These chains are for your own good. You don't know who you love, Adrien, and I need to fix that." She tightened the restraints and pressed herself against his trapped body. "Don't worry, hot stuff, you'll enjoy me fixing you. You'll love every second. I know I will."

"Uh, Bugaboo?"

Ladybug's head snapped sideways with an audible bone crack. ("I'm busy!") The Beast seethed.

Chat Noir smartly kept out of her blood circle, put several more chairs between him and her, and politely informed, "That's not Adrien. That's his cousin Felix."

Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

The malice drained from the heroine's face. Her head snapped back to her prisoner with another audible crack. She pried open his mouth and took a deep sniff.

"Oh."

"He made the video that's gotten everyone riled up. Adrien told me so," Chat Noir added.

"Oh." Ladybug climbed off of Felix and looked rather embarrassed. Chat Noir stepped forward and Cataclysmed Felix's chains. "So, hot stuff doesn't hate me?"

"Of course he doesn't hate you, M'Lady. He told me you're the most amazing girl he's ever met." The honey-filled words stole Ladybug's attention. Chat Noir took her hands and poured out his heart. "Adrien told me he has to be the luckiest guy in the world to have met you and not a day goes by that he doesn't think of you. And, of course," Wink. Wink. "He really enjoyed that calamari you two shared last week." Wiiiiiiink.

"Calamari," Ladybug mumbled dreamily. She blinked back to reality. "Calamari? Wait, what calamari? And why are you winking at me again?"

"AHA!" a new voice said.

The heroes found themselves surrounded on all sides by the Punishers Trio™! The villains' weapons were aimed point-blank at the outnumbered duo!

"Game over, Ladybug and Chat Noir," Lady Wifi cackled. A pair of fashionably neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she asked the air, "You want us to blast them and take their Miraculous, Hawkmoth?"

She got no response.

"Hello? Hawkmoth?"

In the Agreste Mansion:

Gabriel pulled a comb from Felix's suitcase. It was covered with strands of blonde hair. Perfect.

SMASH!

The hallway closet burst open and out stepped a bruised and pissed off Amelie. "Gabriel, I want that ring!" Snip snip snip!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Back in the fight:

"He's not answering," Lady Wifi said.

"What does that mean?" Reflekta asked.

"Do we just keep fighting?" Princess Fragrance asked.

At that moment, a spark of inspiration came to Ladybug. "Or! Or maybe this is an opportunity!"

"Opportunity?" Chat Noir raised an eyebrow.

"Roll with it," she elbowed him. "You girls are your own people now. No Hawkmoth to tell you what to do, no master except for yourselves. Quick, without thinking, what do you want to do with your lives?"

"Kill Felix," they all said. Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"After that," Ladybug insisted.

"Shave his head," Lady Wifi started.

"Bring his hair to Hawkmoth," Reflekta continued.

"Become a tax accountant," Princess Fragrance finished.

Ladybug sighed. "Never mind. They have no free will."

"KARATE-YOINK!" Felix shouted as he cartwheeled through the group and snatched Lady Wifi's tablet.

"Good job, Felix!" Chat Noir cheered. Lightning struck! Wolves howled!

"Smash it in half and this insanity will be over!" Ladybug instructed.

"You're right, Ladybug, I could do that." Felix's grin morphed to an ugly scowl. The empty sky turned grey. A chill filled the air and a layer of ice formed on the rooftop. "Or I could threaten to destroy this tablet unless they do exactly what I say. MuahahahaHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Everyone stared at him.

"Is he evil?" Princess Fragrance asked.

Felix held the tablet over the roof's edge. "Akumas, if you wanna stick around, then get me my uncle's wedding ring!"

The Punishers Trio™ exchanged glances and shrugged. "You got it, boss," they said and headed back for the Agreste mansion.

Ladybug and Chat Noir gawped at the boy. "Holy fuck!" Ladybug said. "He's as evil as Lila!"

"Hey, don't be so quick to judge," Chat Noir defended. "He recently lost his dad."

"That's not an excuse!" She twirled her yo-yo and readied herself to fight. "But at least we only have to beat up a normal non-super person today. I'm not complaining." She hurled her yo-yo at Felix without much care. The boy easily slipped out of the weapon's path and leaped mightily into the air! He soared across the street and landed on the next rooftop like he was Neo from The Matrix!

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ladybug screamed.

"I forgot to mention, LB," Chat Noir said with a sudden grim look. "He knows karate."

Ladybug stared at him. "So?"

"That means he can dodge bullets, outfight three opponents at the same time, has dominion over all ice, and can sail through the air like a bird. Felix—" Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "—will be the strongest opponent we've ever faced."

Ladybug continued to stare. "Since when is any of that karate?! You know what, no! Screw this! Lucky Charm!" She tossed her yo-yo up and down came a polka-dotted empty aerosol can. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with—"

Chat Noir immediately took the Lucky Charm and chucked it across the street. Felix caught the can, smugly.

"Is that the best you got?" he taunted.

Chat Noir took the biggest breath. "Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!Felix!"

Over a dozen lightning bolts struck the metal can in Felix's hand!

"...ow..." Felix whimpered and fell over.

Ladybug gawked at the charred and smoky body, then at Chat Noir.

"Adrien told me to do that," he excused.

Ladybug quickly smashed the tablet in half, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.

The Liberty was returned to the Seine.

Felix's third-degree burns were healed.

Nathalie was unpaused and stopped Amelie before she could snip off Gabriel's finger.


Later, at the Agreste Mansion:

"The results, sir," Nathalie's tablet said.

Gabriel took the sealed envelope with shaky hands. Here they were, the answers. But now that he had them, he didn't know if he had the spine to read them. He stuffed the envelope into his pocket and stepped into the grand hall. It was time to say goodbye. Felix waited by the front door looking as not sorry as an arsonist gloating over California during fire season. His mom whined and sobbed in shame for his son's actions.

"That video. What you said to my friends." Adrien sighed. "Unforgivable, Felix." Lightning struck! Wolves howled! "I know you've had it rough since you lost your dad—"

"Yes, I did," Felix jumped in, scowling dismissively. "Which means I can do whatever horrible thing I want and hurt whoever I want without consequence."

"No, it doesn't," Adrien said. Gabriel stiffened. Amelie's sniveling stopped. Every head in the room stared at Adrien. "You can miss them. You can be sad or angry that they're gone. But you can't use them as an excuse to hurt people you don't even know."

Gabriel's breath hitched. "Hold on, I don't—"

"Because when you do, you're hurting those people in your loved one's name. You're tarnishing their good memory by filling it with pain and hatred."

Sweat poured down Gabriel's face. He loosened his collar. "Well, maybe that's—"

"I will not forgive you." Adrien didn't flinch. He glared at Felix with such fury that Gabriel thought he was going to hit him! "I'll never forgive you or anyone who uses the death of a loved one to get what they want."

Gabriel looked like he was going to faint.

Then… Adrien hugged Felix. "But I want to help you. I want you to stop hurting. I'll be here for you because we're family and I love you."

For a while, Felix stood there, stunned by Adrien's hold and his words. Slowly, ever so slowly, his arms rose and embraced his cousin. Amelie and Gabriel broke into hysterical sobs at the beautiful sight and joined the hug.

"Oh, Adrien, I'm so proud of you!" Gabriel cried. "I don't care that you might not be my son."

"What?"

"Nothing!"


Later, in Adrien's Room:

Plagg added more and more grotesque steps to his Masterplan! "And then after I've removed his skin, I'll debone him, one ligament at a time so he can watch while I make a xylophone from his ribs. He'll know nothing but suffering!"

"Here, Plagg." Adrien wheeled in a camembert palace. "Sorry, about your castle. Hope this makes up for it."

Plagg tossed aside his torture plans for Felix and dove into heaven. "All is forgiven, man."

As the kwami feasted, Adrien sat on his bed and thought out loud. "I can't believe my friends made me a video. Too bad Felix deleted it and I'll never get to see it."

"Why not?" Plagg asked through several mouthfuls of dairy. "Did your friends delete it from their phones?"

Adrien blinked. "Oh! You're right!"

Meanwhile at Alya's apartment:

Chris Lahiffe answered Alya's rumbling phone. "You've reached Alya Cesaire's phone. Chris Lahiffe speaking." The boy pretended to take a puff from his candy cigarette. "Sorry, Adrien, Alya is too busy to talk. She's playing the bedroom game with her many girlfriends." Another puff. "The video my big brother helped make? Sure, it's still on Alya's tablet, I'll send you a copy."


Back at the Agreste Mansion:

He stared at the envelope for a long, long time. He came to a decision and tossed it into the crackling fireplace. For the first time that day, Gabriel Agreste breathed easy.

Then he saw his wedding ring was missing.

"NATHALIE!"


Later, at the train station:

"You got the ring! I never thought I'd see it again," Amelie cheered. She took the band of silver from her son and cradled the precious heirloom. She ruffled Felix's hair. "My little magician, how did you do it?"

"Oh, you know." He shrugged. "I have my tricks."

A hiss of steam announced their departure and, with a gentle chugga-chugga, they started their long trip ho—

CRASH!

A cavalry of policemen swung through the train's windows. They all pointed their guns at Felix.

"Felix Graham de Vanily," Officer Roger slapped a pair of handcuffs on the boy, ignoring the lightning strike and wolf howls. "You're under arrest for stealing from a rich white man."

Felix blinked. "Um, I'm Adrien?"

"Nice try. You're going away for a long time, buster."

Felix frowned. He frowned so deeply that he somehow looked delighted. "Oh, I would be, Officer, if I didn't know... karate."

The air became frigid like the tundra and Roger saw his own breath. "Get down!" he screamed.


Back at the mansion:

Fuu wandered out of the kitchen with a two-foot-tall ice cream sundae, decorated with edible gold. In the background, the news played.

"The epic train heist ended with the criminal escaping across international borders," Nadia Chamak reported. "Fire Chief Cobra Commander estimates it will take a week to thaw out the policemen. Felix Graham de Vanily is still at large."

Fuu settled in the extra-soft velvet chair by the fireplace. He licked his lips and shoveled the first delicious spoonful into his mouth. As he relaxed, he heard a crackle.

In the embers of the now-dead fire was a scrap of paper. Thinking it was a partial check he could cash, Fuu fished it out. The edges were curled and blackened and most of the paper was gone. Whatever it was, it wasn't money. Fuu tossed it back into the fireplace where the red cinders set the paper aflame and burned away the last legible line.

Felix Graham de Vanily

DNA Match: Negative.

END


Miraculous Migraine is almost over. I already have the next 2 chapters written, but I prefer to be 4 chapters ahead for foreshadowing and joke-building purposes. Due to an unexpected trip, I've fallen behind on my writing schedule and need to catch up. No new chapter next week, dear readers. I need time to plot out... the finale!