Chapter 2: Choice of Duties
December 16th, 1988. Near 7 PM.
(Takeru's House.)
[Native Takeru]
"Mom, is the cake ready yet?"
"Takeru, you've been asking for a while now. The answer won't change in a few minutes." Mom sighed, looking over what she was making in a pot.
"But is it going to take much longer?"
"Takeru, leave your Mom in peace." Dad came up to me and grabbed me, lifting me off the ground. "Let's go read some books, what do you say?"
"Yeah, let's read." We go back to the table, Dad leaves me on a chair and goes to that wooden thing where we keep the books.
It's so good that he came back like he promised. He hasn't told me anything of what he does with the samurai rangers, but he seems really, really tired. So, let's have a lot of fun today, so that he can rest well. He's gonna leave again on Sunday… But he'll come back another day!
Ding!
Hm? Oh, maybe Sumika is coming?
"Takeru, you stay here. I'll go see who is it."
"Eh? I'm going too!"
"No, it's too cold outside. And you're not wearing a scarf."
"You're not wearing one either." I puff my cheeks, Dad's brows got together as his mouth moved a bit.
"Well, but I'm big so I can take it. You're still small, so stay here. I'll be right back." And there he goes.
What's up with that? I'm already six! I can tie my own shoes by myself! I'm not so little anymore.
Two familiar voices come from the doorway.
"Oh, Takeru-chan! How are you?" Haruna-san came in with Sumika, both wearing yellow scarfs. "Is the cake ready?"
"…Not yet."
"Hahaha, how cute you look when you pout." Haruna-san patted my head, smiling. "Sumika, don't you have anything to say?"
I looked at Sumika, who was kind of nervously coming towards me. With her hands hidden behind her back and her eyes glued to the ground, she slowly came towards me, like a turtle. She's usually reserved, but she had started to smile more often…
"Takeru-chan… Here, happy birthday." Eyes still down, she handed me a small box wrapped in red and blue.
"Thanks a lot, Sumika!" I give her a hug, and she made a cute noise when I did. "Really, thanks a lot for coming."
"I live next door… There's no way I wouldn't come." She said once I released her.
…Some of my other classmates also lived near and they never came to visit me for my birthday, or invited me to theirs.
"Well, let's see what it is." I slowly untie the know on the package, and rip the paper once I did. "Oh! A spinning top! I never had one of these!"
"…That's good." Dad crouched and looked at the toy. "It looks to be made of good wood, too. It wasn't too expensive, right?"
"A present's price must never be disclosed." Haruna-san said, placing a finger atop her lips.
"Thanks a lot, Haruna-san, Sumika."
"No, it was nothing. Sumika was the one chose it for you." Haruna-san smiles, I look at Sumika and she quickly looked to the ground again.
"No… I just thought it looked nice…" She said, rubbing her hands together.
"Thanks a lot, Sumika. Let's see how it spins."
As Haruna-san and Dad sat down and started talking, me and Sumika tried to see who could make spin the top for the longest time for a while.
"Takeru, come here." Dad called me, so we stood up and went to his side.
"What's up, Dad?"
"Let's go wash your hands, you still have to open your other presents."
"Oh, yeah."
After washing our hands and going back to the table, I saw a box on top of it.
"Happy birthday, Takeru. This is from Koetsu and Kobayashi."
"Really?! But… Are they busy?"
"Yeah… They're really busy in their office." Dad's eyes grew smaller as he patted my head.
"Can we call them to say hi?"
"I'll send him your thanks, Takeru. Koetsu is really, really busy. He's doing all kinds of calculus with very complex math." Dad said in a scary tone, raising a finger upwards.
"Eh… Why is everything about math and numbers?"
"Hahaha… You'll understand when you grow up. Now, open your presents." He gives me a pat in the back towards the table.
There was a smaller one wrapped all in white and another bigger in green and white. The smaller one was from Mami-san… And there's a letter in it.
"Greeting, Takeru-kun.
I suppose I should also say happy birthday, since I hope this letter reaches you by then. I hope you're well and in good health.
While I have been thinking on what book recommend you, the notice of your coming birthday gave me a good reason to hasten my search for a suitable one for your tastes."
She also writes as weird as she talks.
"Remembering our talk about Mayal's Gift, I thought it proper to bestow you a book that might help you in learning to read in between lines. A book is more than what you might think of it at first, after all."
"Dad, what does… 'bestow' means?"
"It means giving someone something."
"Why didn't she use giving instead, then?"
"It's… Sigh, it's a manner of speech Takeru." I don't get it.
"And what of this in between the lines? There's only spaces between them."
"No, it's not literally Takeru." Dad pats my head, sitting by my side. "It means you can arrange words to mean more than one thing at a time."
"So… Oh, is that like what the teacher said of that tale?"
"What tale?" Sumika asked.
"You know… The one where the princess goes to the moon…"
"Kaguya, was it?" Sumika says, tilting her head with a finger in one of her cheeks.
"Yeah, that one. I thought that she abandoned his love, but the teacher said she left him that weird drink so that he would live long enough to meet her again, but he didn't get her message. Does that mean reading in between the lines, Dad?"
"Yeah, that is it. You can be really sharp when you want to, Takeru." He seems happy that I understood it.
Adults are so weird and complicated… Why can't they just say what they mean openly? I again look at the letter, with Dad by my side in case more weird words are in it.
"That is why I chose a book about poetry. It is not as long or detailed as I would have liked, but I do recall you disliking long reads. It has many simple phrases found in our literature as well as explanations on their meanings, and some simple Haiku poems as well. I believe it fitting for your age, and a good first step if you find yourself liking poetry.
I believe you'll find it interesting, but regardless of your opinion of it, I shall be looking forward to hearing your thoughts on it at a later date. Please, do be as detailed as you wish in your reply."
Poetry? I never really read any before… This should be fun though!
"I shall be awaiting your answer and book recommendation. You can only send me it's name. I shall look for a copy of it in my free time.
I hope your evening can be a pleasant one. We might not be able to see each other for a long time, but I will be looking forward to these exchanges.
See you later.
Mami Kobayashi."
"She writes with a lot of hard words…"
"…Did you like the present, Takeru?" Dad asked kinda in a low voice.
"Yeah, it's gonna be fun reading something new! But it's hard to understand her letter sometimes…"
"Haha, you'll get used to it with time. Now, here's mine and Koetsu's present."
In the other box… It's really heavy. I slowly tear the paper off it, it was a big, long box. I slowly push the lid off it.
"Is this… Oh, a sword!" I took it out slowly… A long, wooden sword! "Is this for me, Dad? Can I really have it?"
"Yeah, you told me you wanted to have one. But, promise me you'll be careful with it. If you're good, we'll take you to learn how to use it on Summer."
"Really?!"
"Yeah… But! You have to be careful with it. No taking it out of the house and no using it inside. Do you promise you'll be careful with it? You won't give Mom any problems?"
"I won't! I won't! So, you'll take me to learn to use it? Will I go with the samurai rangers then?"
"Well… You'll need to be really really good with a sword before the samurai even think of recruiting you. Only those who are really good with a sword can be a samurai, after all."
"Uuh… Then I'll practice! I'll get really good and then I'll go fight with you!"
"Thanks Takeru… But don't worry, we'll beat the bad guys before you have to fight." He patted my head, this time more slowly. "So, what do you say of reading that book? Sumika, wanna read it too?"
"Yes, it sounds fun!"
Dad took me to my room to put the sword somewhere safe behind my closet. Then, we went back down and sat in the couch with Sumika. Then he read us the book.
Some things are really weird… But they're also really fun. So, when someone's face gets all red, they have a sunset in their face…
After a short while, Mom called us to the table and we all started eating together, sharing jokes and complimenting Mom's food.
It's sad Uncle Koetsu couldn't made it… But I'll send him and Mami-san a letter and some cake later. The book was really fun, even if it also had weird words sometimes.
Sumika and Haruna-san said their goodbyes after a while, since it was getting late even if it's Friday.
"Takeru, let's go to sleep." Mom grabbed my hand, but I released myself and went towards Dad.
"Dad… Thanks for coming." I give him a hug, really tightly. Sometimes, he couldn't come for my birthday before, but he made time to come home for the weekend. "I'll send you a nice present in your birthday."
"Thanks a lot, Takeru." He also hugs me tightly. "Today was fun?"
"Yeah! It was the best birthday ever!"
"I see… That's good." He ruffles my hair, then gives me a kiss on the forehead. "Let's read some more books tomorrow. So, you gotta wake up early."
"…I'll try." I look away. I hate waking up early… But Dad is here, so I'll do it.
"Haha… Well, come on. Mom is waiting." He takes me to the stairs, and then me and Mom go to my room.
After getting in my pajamas, Mom closed my window so that I wouldn't stay up late talking with Sumika.
"Thanks for the cake, Mom. It was really tasty!" I say after I get under the sheets.
"Hehe, that's good to hear. Are you happy with your presents?"
"Yes, but I'm more happy that Dad is here today. We should have moved here faster. It's much more fun to be here." I say, rustling to a side. Even if Jouji is really noisy, the people here are more funny.
I still don't like some of the teachers, and some guys in our classes are really mean too. But Hiiragi is much, much more nice than Yao and Osaka.
"…Yes, we should have. Now, I'll turn off the lights." She said, standing up.
"Eh? You won't read me a book?" I say, pouting.
"You still want a book before going to bed? Didn't you say before you were a big boy already?" She smiles, playing with her hair.
"It's my birthday today."
"Haha… I can't argue with that." She gently and slowly caressed my cheek, her smile getting bigger. "So, what should we read tonight?"
And, as usual, Mom read me something until I nodded off.
January 8th, 1989. Around 4 PM.
(Takeru's House. Backyard.)
"See? It's not that hard." I say, stopping the beanbags I was juggling.
"But I can never do it right." Sumika puffed her cheeks as much as she could.
"Hehe, then you just gotta practice." I hand her the two bags and she starts juggling them.
She made it to twelve before one fell off. She started pouting again.
"It's too hard!" She moved her hands around, her hair swaying as she did.
"Does that mean that you give up on the candies?"
"Ah… Don't be mean, Takeru-chan. I can't do it."
"Yes, you can. You just gotta do it!"
"But I failed to get to twenty."
"Then you try again. Don't you always tell me that every time you help me with my math homework?"
"Takeru-chan, this is different." One lone hair of hers tumbled down, all swirly. Her eyes dropped to the ground, looking like a stray puppy.
"Come on, Sumika. Let's try again one more time. Or I eat all the candies." I smile at her, she taps the tips of her fingers for a while and then nods.
I show her again how to do it and again she tries. This time she made it to fifteen.
"See? You just gotta try harder."
"But I still didn't made it to twenty."
"A small pebble will eventually cause a rock slide with enough impulse down a hill." I say, puffing my chest.
"There you go again, with those weird phrases…" Sumika plucked her lips, narrowing her eyes at me.
"What? It's true, it's called snowda… snowballing. Things growing bigger suddenly or something."
"You're reading that book too much. You're speaking really weird now, Takeru-chan." Sumika pouted at me, her voice raising in complain.
"No, I'm not. So, let's try again!"
We stayed outside playing for a while, with Sumika complaining she couldn't so it every time she failed. It started to get really cold, but Mom didn't come to tell us to go inside. And that's weird.
"Takeru-chan, let's go back inside. I'm cold…"
"Yeah… Let's go read a book or something. Did our moms went to buy something?"
"No… My Mom was back home cleaning."
We went back inside, but it was all quiet. The lights weren't on yet. So maybe they did went to buy stuff?
…I can't reach the switch so I can't turn on the lights. Some light still comes from the windows, but it's really dark.
"Mom? Are you there?"
…
"Maybe they went somewhere?" Sumika said, walking closely behind me.
"Hmm… But they would have called us. They never leave us alone in the house." It's weird. Something's weird here.
We slowly walked towards the table, but there was no one in the kitchen… Hm?
…On the floor, just in the corner where the small division to the kitchen starts…
There was a pot, just lying there. That's weird, Mom never let's stuff on the floor. And why are the lights out?
As I got close to the fallen pot, I could see something else on the floor near it. A hand. Sumika tightened her grasp on my back, gasping as she saw it.
"W-Who's there?" I slowly made my way there. I gulped, closing my eyes really tightly. I grabbed the edges of the small wall and peeked at the kitchen, with Sumika grabbing my arm from behind me. "…Mom? What are you doing?"
Mom was sleeping on the floor. She had left the fire on.
"Mom, why are you sleeping on the floor?" I crouched and shook her shoulders. She didn't react.
On the inside of the house, it was really warm. Outside was where it was cold. And yet… And yet… Mom feels really cold right now.
"Mom! Wake up! You can't sleep there!" I keep shaking her, grabbing her strongly, but she still doesn't wake up. Why? Why won't she wake up?
"…Takeru-chan." Sumika pulled my shoulder. "Let's go call my Mom."
"Why? Mom… Mom is just sleeping. Nothing's wrong!"
"Ah… S-Sorry…" Sumika took a few steps back, looking like she was about to cry.
"Sorry Sumika… Um… So…" I gulp, my feet feel heavy all of a sudden. I can feel my heart in my neck, beating really strongly. "Let's… Let's call Haruna-san. She might know how to wake up Mom." I grab Sumika's had and dash out of the house.
Next Day. A bit past 8 PM.
(Hospital Hallway.)
[Kageyuki]
I quickly move towards the place Haruna-san mentioned. I didn't even bother getting out of my uniform, I took the fastest train that could get me here. Thankfully, Takahisa-sama allowed me to come here. If he had refused… I was ready to quit the Guard then and there.
"Please remember that she is very weak. Remember to speak softly to her." A nurse that was accompanying me told me.
"I know that well, thank you very much."
Room 147… I softly bite my lower lip as I stand outside of it. I close my eyes, wincing as if in pain. It isn't entirely false, my heart is killing me right now. I never had a gash on me, but this is what it must feel like. After a moment where my hands twitched when going for the doorknob, I inhaled slowly and opened the door.
Miho was laying on a bed, frail, fleeting… As if she were made out of snow, made to melt as soon as winter ended.
"Miho… How are you?" I slowly got closer to her, she looked my way and gave me a pained smile.
"Sorry, Kageyuki… I made you all worry." Miho tried to rise from her position, but I stopped her.
"Don't be stupid. What happened?" I sit by her side, softly clasping her hands. Her cold, soft hands.
"I was just going to start preparing dinner… Then, all of a sudden, my chest started to hurt…" She grimaces as she again rests her head against her pillow. Her voice resembled a bird chirping away, further and further away. "I tried to scream, but my throat shut close. It hurt to breathe… Everything was spinning… I don't remember anything else. I woke up this morning here, and I didn't know how I got here, or how much time had passed."
"She was very weak so we had to provide her with some imported medicine. She has reacted well to it so far." The nurse tells me.
"I see… Do you feel fine now?"
"…I still feel dizzy. But I'm fine, don't worry." She smiled, trying to lift her spirits a bit.
"What about Takeru?"
"Haruna-san came by earlier, she said she has him staying with her. Please go see him, Kage. Tell him I'll be back in a few days."
"…Yeah, I will."
We talked a bit more, me telling her I was fine and that my life back at Osaka was going well. Visiting hours soon came to an end, so I had to say goodbye shortly after.
As I got out, the doctor that was in charge of Miho told me he wished to discuss something with me, and so we went to his office.
"Please, sit down Shirogane-san." He said, pointing to a chair. "Well, I'm sure you've noticed, but your wife's condition isn't a good one."
"I believe her records should be available, Doctor. When do you think she'd be well enough to go back home?"
His eyelids descended, he gathered some papers and handed them to me. I had gotten used to seeing her medical reports, but I fail to see the difference between this and the other times.
"Doctor, these are her usual numbers. I don't see how this explains anything."
"We told you we used the best medicine we have at our disposal. Her treatment last night was the most that we could do for her. As you know, this hospital has many specialists in heart diseases… However, her condition barely improved."
"…What are you getting at?" I felt a tremor similar to the one of a shaking cockpit in my gut.
"Frankly, I am afraid to tell you that Miho-san's condition won't improve, on the contrary… I fear it will only get worse from here on out." He closed his eyes and spoke in that detached tone doctors take when bad news come pouring.
"Eh? What do you mean? The last doctor that saw her before moving said… They said she would get better! That she would be able to live a normal life!" I hit the desk with the papers he gave me, unable to restrain my voice from resembling a scream.
"Please calm down, Shirogane-san. Read the papers again. Her condition was improving, but… her heart seems to be getting weaker and weaker. If she had started to receive this treatment before, I am sure she would have reached the point where a single pill was all the she would need to live a normal life. But as things stands now, I cannot guarantee that she has the time for the procedures to heal her body."
"…What do you mean? Do we need a more expensive medicine? Will she recover if she's transferred to the Capital's hospital?" He shakes his head, making a knife pierce my throat slowly.
"If she doesn't suffer from any more relapses, she will slowly regain her health. However, in her body's current condition, after so many years of not receiving the proper treatment…" He closed his eyes, his hands tightening and softening in a small rhythm. He exhaled slowly through his nose, and opening his eyes, but not looking at me, he continued. "Please remain calm to what I'm about to tell you. If Miho-san's condition doesn't improve in the next few days… The chances that her heart will stop working are very high, and in her current condition… we might not be able to do anything to save her, since she might not survive another operation."
…Huh?
Miho's heart will… stop? And there's nothing we can do about it now?
I felt my insides being emptied, that feeling when you have a lapse in your memory forming in my head, I couldn't accept what I was told.
Every since we moved her from Yao to Osaka she had been receiving the best treatment we could pay for. Sure, she still didn't improve as much as she could due to how the neighborhood was. She couldn't stop worrying about me, thanks to the political climate of Osaka, and she wasn't welcomed there either, due to her upbringing as a peasant. That's why the doctor recommended us moving away from that environment, for her mental health to truly improve. But this month in Hiiragi she… she said she was feeling better than ever. Why… Why now, of all times? I can't help to tighten my fists so much it hurts, gritting my teeth at the words the doctor spoke. It feels as if the floor had vanished and a TSF was falling on my shoulders.
"But… But… But the specialist in Osaka said she was going to be fine, that all she needed was to take her medicine to help her heart pump blood as it normally should! That if she could find an environment where she felt at ease, everything would be under control."
"Yes, that was the case in her last visit. However, as I told you before, they gave her a medicine made here, in Japan. While in the vast majority of cases it would have been enough, Miho-san began her treatment in adulthood. The signs of her heart problem were not detected until she was pregnant, if the records are correct."
"Yes, that is the case. We both were surprised when we found out." Miho was never very athletic, and I always had to take it easy on her during sex and do most of the heavy stuff back home, but I always thought that was just how she was. That's why I always insisted on moving away and on having someone help her out in the daily chores, but she didn't want to. She wanted us to save all of our money for Takeru's future in case I ever died in the battlefield.
"If she had started treatment at an earlier age, she wouldn't have gotten to this point." The doctor said, looking to the ceiling. "And, had you treated her with this American medicine at least a few years ago, her condition would have improved much faster. However, as it stands now… Her heart is growing weaker and we might not have enough time for the medicine to affect her before it's too late."
"Is the pacemaker she had until now not enough anymore?"
"There is little a pacemaker can do when the heart stops beating completely. She is alive now thanks to it, that's why she managed to arrive here alive after she fainted. However, considering the strain that she was put to endure… Let me remind you that CRT does not cure heart failure, and in her case, I believe she has lasted longer than what any doctor would have expected her to live. I know this is cruel to say… But I believe Miho-san won't make it to February."
You gotta be kidding me… I knew this day would come, we both knew it. But she was getting better, the medicine and the pacemaker had made her so much good…
"We will do all we can to treat her, but please keep in mind what I've told you."
"…I will. Thanks for your honesty, Doctor." I bow to the man and, after taking one breath, exit the office.
All the way back home, I could do nothing more than stare at the ground. My gloves might tear up any second now, since I'm clawing at my hands so strongly. The floor might be crumbling away for all I care, I feel as if I would turn to dust the second anything hits me with some strength.
…I was ready to die. I was ready to march to my death, knowing I had left you two everything I could. I always hoped you would get better, at least to be with Takeru until he was old enough to learn to take care of himself.
…But how am I supposed to live without you? How am I supposed to carry on? What will I tell Takeru? If I die now… He'll be sent to an orphanage. Thanks to being in the Guard now, I was able to learn a few secrets about… our bureaucracy. Not all orphanages are warm places… Many are run by people that have to make sure no kids get adopted, all to ensure the IJA has enough fresh recruits in a few years, all to allow the people with money to save their children from the obligatory conscription.
…How can I keep fighting… if everything I've done until now… is going to crumble down when your heart fades away…
I got out of the taxi I called, my house comes into view.
I inhale through my nose a few times, looking up to the sky. Feeling my chest filled with the cold air, I clean off the tears that wanted to run away. I open my mouth and draw one final, long breath. You gotta be strong, Kageyuki. Now, you can't die. That's all there is to it. Takeru needs you, so get your shit together. You know how hard it is, to live without your parents. So, stop being pathetic… Hic… I just gotta survive if I have to fight. That's all I gotta do.
…Takeru will need me by his side, though. I guess that means… my journey in the Royal Guard has come to an end. Leaving now, when I established myself as a core member of Takahisa-sama's squad… might be seen as treason.
Who gives a shit? My son comes first. If it wasn't for the stupid arguments with the Americans, Miho would have received the better medicine and…
"No… It's not their fault… Sigh… How the hell am I supposed to take care of Takeru like this?" I exhale, shaking my head as I bring a hand to my forehead.
Come on, you were prepared for something like this since a long time ago. You gotta do what a man's gotta…
No. I have to do what a father has to do. You can cry on the way back to Osaka, but for now… You have to be strong for Takeru.
I went to the Kagami's door with heavy step, each one feeling as if I were stepping in mud, as I was going to slip and fall at the moment my attention dulled for a second. I gulped again before ringing the doorbell.
A short moment was all I spent in wait.
"Kageyuki-san! Did you made it in time?" Haruna-san came out in a rush after seeing it was me.
"Yes… Is Takeru still awake?"
"Yes, please come in."
I enter her house, the difference in temperature making me shiver a little. Soon after entering, the sound of the stairs guided my gaze towards them.
"Dad! Where is Mom?" Takeru rushed to my side, almost falling at the last steps. I crouched and hugged him, holding him in silence for a moment. Caressing his back, I felt my chest tightening as I held back my tears at the sound of his voice.
Come on, Kageyuki. You can… You have to do it.
"Are you okay, Takeru?" I say, ruffling his hair softly.
"Yes… Where is Mom?"
"Mom is still in the hospital. Don't worry, she's fine now. Will you go visit her tomorrow?"
"Yeah! But… She'll come back home, right?" He looked up at me, his creaky tone driving more knives in my gut.
"Takeru, listen closely to what Dad has to say…" I licked my lips, softly letting some air out. "Mom will have to stay in the hospital for some time again."
"Eh?! But… But she said she wasn't sick anymore!"
"…It seems this winter… was too harsh for her, Takeru."
"Is it because of the snow?"
"…We don't know. The doctors are doing all they can to help, so let's be positive about this, okay? You gotta smile for her when you go see her tomorrow."
"Y-Yes… I'll cheer her up and give her lots of hugs. Are you coming too, Dad?" His grip on me tightened, and despite how tender his hands are, I could only feel a crushing force piking at my heart.
"We'll both go at morning. After that… I have to go back to the samurai."
"Eh? But… But Mom is sick!" I know… Please Takeru, don't make this harder on me.
"Yeah, but… The samurai are the ones who allowed us to take Mom to the hospital, Takeru. But don't worry…" I again pat his head, biting the inner side of my mouth strongly enough that it began to hurt. "I will do all I can to talk with them, and then I'll come back home. We'll wait for Mom to get better together."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I promise. So, you gotta go to sleep early today. Let's go home, Takeru." I stood up, grabbing his hand. "Haruna-san, can I ask you to look after him while I'm gone? I can leave you some money if-"
"Don't you finish that!" She said, pointing a finger at me. "You can leave Takeru-chan in my hands. We'll keep him company until Miho-san gets better. Right, Sumika?"
"Yes… I'll help too." The little one nodded, despite how her hands were trembling.
"…Thank you. Really, thank you."
"It's nothing. I'm sure you need a good rest. Takeru-chan already ate, so don't worry about that. There's still some food leftover if you want."
"No, it's alright." I don't think I can stomach anything right now. "Well, we'll be going. See you tomorrow, and thanks again for helping Miho yesterday. Truly… I can't thank you enough."
She nods and we go towards the doorway. Takeru hugs Sumika before saying his goodbyes. As he did, I approached Haruna-san and spoke in a hushed tone.
"Haruna-san, I'll come back once he's asleep. Is that alright?" She nods, giving the kids a look.
We go out into the street and return home. I take Takeru to his room and got him into his bed.
I remained by his side until he fell asleep, he didn't even need a story. All he asked from me was to hold his hand, and now he doesn't seem to want to let it go despite being asleep. I didn't make much effort to release myself, instead I started caressing his forehead and fringe. Slowly, calmly, he sleeps. And now that he can't see me, a few tears get out from my eyes as I bend over and kiss his forehead.
What will I say to him when Miho dies? Can I… tell him that she's dead? He's seven, he isn't that little anymore. But Miho always kept him from the news, and we never remained in contact with our relatives. How do I explain to him… what it means to die? How will I answer when he asks me if I'm going to die too?
That last thought was enough to make me choke on empty air. I feel as if I had swallowed hot sand, and then tried to clean my mouth with boiling bleach. Rubbing my chest in circles, I release my hand from his and again clasp his cheek. I simply sat there looking at him, as the minutes went by, as the clock disturbed our silence, as I stopped feeling pain and it turned to hollowness.
After some time, I left his side and went towards my neighbor's house once more. Once inside, she made some tea for both of us and explained to me what had happened in detail. How she found Miho, that the kids were the ones who found her first, what the doctors told her, and how Takeru was today.
"I know it's a personal matter, but… how is Miho-san's health?"
"…The doctors said she doesn't have much time left."
"Huh?"
"They said she was lucky to live so much despite her condition. The doctor who treated her told me… she probably won't make it to February." Every word drains a bit of warmth from my world.
"…Oh, I didn't… I didn't knew her condition was…"
"Sorry. Could you look after Takeru until I return from the Guard? Again, I can leave you enough money for around a week. And no, I am serious. If you hadn't helped her… Miho would have already died." She grimaces, heaves a sigh and drinks some more tea.
"…There's no way I wouldn't have helped her. You all did much for me in the short time you were here."
"Huh? Really?" Her gaze lowers, losing itself in her cup of tea. While I haven't spoken much with her, she and her daughter seemed like very warm, bright people. To think her face could be clouded in such grief… Sigh… All of us had it hard at some point, what am I saying?
"Sumika was… being bullied very badly at school." Her tone cold as snow, her gaze unmoving from that cup of tea. "I also didn't have anyone to talk to here at the time. But when your family moved here, Takeru-chan helped Sumika in school, and thanks to that she recovered her smile and no one bullies her anymore now. As a mother, I cannot express how much I thank your son for that."
She looked at me, smiling faintly as the radiant warmth returned to her tone.
"And Miho-san has been very kind to me, sharing their house and food with us despite me not being able to contribute as much to the dinner when cooking together. She never said anything about it, she sympathized with us when people brought up my husband's death, she was always… so positive and nice. I truly… I truly think of her as a good friend, despite the short time we have know each other."
She closed her eyes and smiled, drinking more tea. She then returned my gaze, again in a serious way.
"So, please don't worry. I'll look after Takeru-chan while you're away, Kageyuki-san. I assure you that he will be safe with me."
"…Thank you, Haruna-san. Really… I have no words to thank you enough."
"Please, stop that. Is there really nothing that can be done?"
"No… We already did everything we could. Before moving here, she was in the hospital for around a week. The doctors there told us she would be fine from now on, as long as she took the medicine. Sigh…" I run a hand over my forehead again.
"I see… Well, in any case, you can trust in me. Takeru-chan will be safe until you come back." I nod, finishing my tea.
"Yes, I'll try to return as soon as possible. Oh right, let me tell you my base's number. If anything happen, call for me and I'll try to come as soon as I'm able."
After noting down the phone number, I thank her again and go back home.
I carefully got out of my suit and, without energy left, I slowly changed into my pajamas, that Miho still kept washed and clean in case I ever came back on a break. I then collapse onto the bed, barely managing to get under the sheets. And yet…
This absence of heat, this void I feel when my hands move forward…The emptiness by my side didn't let me fall asleep as fast as my fatigue made me think I would.
The coldness of the bed made me claw at my sides.
The thought that this will be the way I'll sleep for the rest of my life was too much to bear.
Knowing I'll never feel her breath on my neck, the comfort of her closeness at dawn, the sight of her eyes before me whenever I wake up gone forever, I simply remained still, eyes closed as tightly as the knot forming around my neck.
Crying in silence, somehow, I eventually fell asleep.
Next Day, January 10th. 09:18 AM.
(Hospital. Miho's Room.)
"Mom, how are you?" Takeru walked up to the bed, giving Miho a hug.
"I'm fine, Takeru. Mom is just a bit dizzy."
"Really? Then, are you coming home soon?" Miho's smile vanished for a moment, quickly returning in a dulled way.
"…I don't know, but you be a good boy until I come back, okay?"
"Yes." He nodded, holding her hand.
"Miho, how do feel today?" She looks at me as she slowly caresses Takeru's hair.
"I am feeling a bit better. Don't worry so much, Kage."
We spent a little time chatting, Takeru telling her he was fine with the Kagamis, she apologizing for 'falling asleep on the floor', and me telling her Haruna-san was going to be looking after Takeru until everything got back to normal.
I asked one of the nurses to watch Takeru for a while, to give us some space.
"…What is it, Kage? What happened?" Her tone finally stopped lying, decreasing in vigor and speed as suddenly as a summer rain.
"Well… The doctor told me you were informed of your condition as we were coming here."
"Yes… It seems I'm… short on time." She then laughed weakly, moving a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Well, we don't know that… You still might have more time than what the doctors think. After all-"
"Don't, Kageyuki." She looked into my eyes, and despite her weakened complexion her eyes were sharper than what mine feel. "Holding out for a miracle… is only going to make it worse. There won't be any more 'See you later' between us. This… This time it will be 'Goodbye'."
I closed my eyes, drowning a sob under the back of my throat. I know… I know that it will hurt me more… But you can't just kill my hope like that, dammit. And using Takeru's words, too.
"Then… How am I going to carry on without you?"
"You told me before, remember?" She slowly raised a hand, I got closer so that she could reach my cheek without effort. "You're stronger than you think. It will be hard, I'm sure. But you can do it, Kage. You're still healthy after all, and you're part of the Royal Guard too."
I clasp her hand that was caressing my cheek softly. I close my eyes, simply feeling her warmth, her fading, distant warmth.
"Miho, I… I'm going to quit the Guard. Takeru needs his father close by, and if you get better somehow you can't keep taking care of everything yourself." Her eyelids lowered, she sighed and returned my gaze again.
"…Then, what about work?"
"You don't worry about it. Focus on getting better and don't worry. Everything will be fine, I will be here from now on. And if I am called to fight and die, you know what will happen to Takeru. So… You leave it to me, I'll-"
"Kageyuki, you… you shouldn't do that. Don't quit the Guard."
"Huh? But then-"
"If you do, many will call you a traitor. Then, you won't be able to find another work that pays as good as you would need to keep living in Hiiragi. I know you're not good with numbers, but even you can see that, right?" She smiled, giggling at me.
"…Then, who takes care of Takeru?"
"You always insisted on hiring a nanny, didn't you? Well, you can do that now."
"…You always opposed that. If we had done that before you-"
"Kage, don't." She put a finger on my lips, and this time I couldn't prevent a few tears from running away. "It's fine… The doctors said it too, right? I lived more than what one would expect. I got to see Takeru grow up, even if it's a shame I won't see him become a man. You gave me a life better than what I ever expected to have. So please, you have to do my share from now on too. You can't quit the Guard."
"…If I die, that's it. No nanny will prevent Takeru from being taken to an orphanage."
"I know… Couldn't you ask Kurosawa-san to help, in case the worst happen? I think you said he-"
"Koetsu broke his engagement last week."
"Huh? Is that so?"
"Yeah, the whole House was in an uproar. Koetsu seems happy now, despite everything. But he himself told me he was going to wait some time before proposing to the woman he loves." I am happy for him, to have taken that step. The amount of trouble it brought him, and he still rejected the 'proposal' to throw everything under the rug if he backed down and accepted to marry his former fiancee.
"But then, that's fine. So far you weren't called to fight. Don't be so negative, Kage." She again caressed my cheek softly.
"…Sigh, I'll try. Anyways, at the least I'll ask for some time off. Takeru will need me with him if… the worst happens. And I will need to look myself for someone trustworthy." I can't bother Haruna-san with this, even if I would welcome them looking after Takeru.
"I see… Please look after yourself, Kage. And don't worry, I'm fine for now. You already… did more than enough for me." I caress her hair softly, kissing her forehead.
"Don't worry, Miho. Nothing is set in stone yet. Well, I have to go back to Osaka for now. I'll try to be back as soon as I can." She nods and, after caressing her cheek one last time, I stood up and went to the door. I stop by it and look back. "You just rest and get as better as you can, okay? See you later, Miho."
"Yes… Have a safe trip." She slowly waved at me.
So… You don't want to say it anymore…
I get out and slowly walk away. What should I do, Miho? You told me to keep working… but who will look after our Takeru if I'm not here?
Resign myself to keep being a pawn to safeguard his future. Risk becoming a traitor to heal his heart.
…I guess in the end it's up to me. My honor or his smile, which one would I rather lose?
