Derek looked like a zombie.
He had a plate with sandwiches in his hands which Stiles took from him before it fell out of his lax fingers.
"Derek?" They asked when Derek walked past them in a very zombie-like way. Stiles closed the door and put the plate on the nearest surface before they hurried to catch up with Derek.
"Derek?" They tried again. "What's going on?"
They were about to ask if he had been in a car crash or if something had happened to Laura when Derek said: "I murdered my whole family."
Stiles stopped dead in their tracks. That was the last thing they had expected to hear from Derek.
"Okay?" They said because what the fuck. They knew that Derek hadn't done it. He had been a suspect for about five minutes before their dad had cleared him. However, Stiles couldn't help the little what if in the back of their mind.
"How about we sit down for this?" They suggested because Derek was still standing like a zombie in the middle of their living room.
"I wanted to tell you before you found out on your own," Derek said without looking at them. With some encouragement, he sat down on the couch, though.
Stiles took the seat next to him. They tucked one leg under to sit sideways, they wanted to look at Derek for this conversation. Derek on the other hand seemed more interested in the floor. He sat hunched over, elbows on his knees and hands dangling between them.
"It's my fault, I killed them all."
That made more sense. At least the first part. Stiles could see that Derek was blaming himself.
"Why did you do it?" Stiles asked.
"I didn't mean to," Derek said. "I didn't know …"
"How did you do it?" Stiles asked. By now they were pretty sure that Derek hadn't done anything but they had to ask. Just in case. But mainly to show Derek the truth. At least they hoped that it was the truth they were thinking of.
"I …," Derek started but was at a loss on how to proceed.
Stiles reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Did you set the house on fire?" They asked gently.
"No." Derek shook his head.
"Did you tell somebody to do it?"
Derek shook his head again.
"Did you block the doors?" Stiles continued. "Did you lock them in?"
"No." Derek took in a shaky breath. "But …"
"But what?" Stiles ducked their head to look him in the eye.
"It's my fault," Derek repeated. Tears were hitting the floor between his feet. "It's my fault."
Stiles slung their arms around him and held him close. At first, Derek was stiff and they were sure that he would throw them off but then he gripped their forearm across his chest and clung to it.
The truth broke out of him in broken sentences. His voice cracked over the words but he told Stiles about a woman named Kate Argent. A woman he'd loved and who he'd thought had loved him back. Turned out that she was a hunter and that she'd used him to gain information on the pack. She had never outright asked but in hindsight, Derek had realized what kind of information she had coaxed out of him. He hadn't thought that it was important. He'd helped her without knowing that she intended to wipe out the whole pack, human members and children included.
It took almost an hour to get the whole story out of Derek but in the end, Stiles wanted Kate Argent dead.
"You're mad," Derek observed with resignation in his voice.
"Of course I am." Stiles felt their whole body shaking with anger. What that woman had done … to the Hale family but to Derek in particular. It was disgusting and sick and she had to pay for that.
"I should leave," Derek said but he clung to Stiles' arm across his chest for a little moment longer. "You won't see me again."
He tried to get up but Stiles held him back.
"Whoa," they made. "I'm not mad at you."
"You should be." Derek used his strength to break out of Stiles' hold but then he just stood there.
"Can I ask for something? One last favor?" He asked. "Can you tell Laura? I don't … I don't think I can."
"And you're going to do what? Just leave like that?" Stiles was on their feet, blocking his way. "No, mister, you are not."
"Stiles." Derek let out a sigh. "I know that it's over. With you, with Laura. It's okay."
"This is anything but okay." Stiles was right in his face. They had to fight the urge to slap some sense into him. "For one, it's not over. I refuse to let this be over. And second, it's not your fault. Derek, you hear me? It's not."
They ran their hands over his tense shoulders. Avoiding their eyes, Derek just stood there but at least he wasn't running.
"That … that bitch used you. She wormed her way in until she gained your trust. You loved her and she used that. She used you. You weren't a willing participant, you didn't plan it with her. You were her pawn she could play with and which she sacrificed without a second thought when she had what she wanted. She used you. You are the victim here. It's not your fault. Nothing of this is your fault. I can't believe that you've been running around all these months believing that it's your fault. Derek, look at me." They cupped his face to bring him to look them in the eye. "I'm so sorry you had to carry that guilt for so long but it's okay now. It's okay. I'm here and I will stay here. With you."
Derek met their eyes for only a second before something in him broke. Stiles barely managed to bring them back to the couch before Derek crashed. Derek clung to them for dear life and now fresh tears broke out of him.
Stiles had seen this before, at the hospital when Derek had told them about the fire, but that had only been the tip of the iceberg. This had been festering in Derek for months but now it came out in all its ugliness.
Stiles held him until he ran out of tears and the sobs died down. And then they held him for a little while longer while Derek was just leaning into them.
"I'm such a mess," Derek mumbled into their damp shirt. Stiles' shoulder was soaked with snot and tears but they couldn't care less.
"You kind of are." Stiles hugged him closer. "But that's okay. We'll work it out. Together."
At that Derek peeked up at them as if he didn't believe them.
"Don't give me that," Stiles scolded him. "I can't even start to imagine what kind of twisted reality you've convinced yourself of and I know it takes time until you can let go of that but you're not alone. You hear me? You don't have to carry this all by yourself any longer. I'm here."
Stiles counted on their heart-beat and whatever else Derek picked up from them to tell him that it was the truth. Derek had spilled his darkest secret and he had been convinced that Stiles would leave him for that but Stiles was having none of that.
"You won't get rid of me this easily," Stiles told him just in case he had missed that part.
"Why?"
That question alone broke their heart.
"Because I love you," Stiles said. "Because you deserve it."
They studied Derek's face. It was not the prettiest sight right now, he needed to wash his face or better take a whole shower, but he was looking at them in such a raw and open way, so hurt and broken … Stiles had to fight the tears at that sight.
"Because you're worth it." Stiles had the feeling that Derek needed to hear that. "You are a good person."
Derek didn't believe them, that much was obvious, but the words did something to him. His eyes softened just for a second. It was okay, they had time. If necessary Stiles would tell him every day.
"What are you going to do now?" Derek asked, most likely to change the topic.
"We …," they emphasized that word, "… should give her name to my dad. And we should tell Laura."
At that Derek's face darkened but he nodded.
"If she kicks you out you can stay here." Stiles got what Derek feared. "But I doubt it. You did nothing wrong, it's not your fault. She will understand. If she blames you I will have some words with her," Stiles said darkly. Victim blaming was the worst and they would get right into the alpha's face if they had to.
"Thanks but I can't stay with you." Derek sat up straight again. His voice was hoarse from crying and he had to clear his throat a few times.
"Bullshit. If she kicks you out, you come straight here." Stiles' place wasn't big but they would always have room for Derek.
"She's my alpha, I'm her beta," Derek said. Suddenly he sounded tired. "If she kicks me out it's not just out of the apartment or her life. I would be without a pack."
"Just for the record, this is highly hypothetically because she won't kick you out." Stiles couldn't stress that point enough. They didn't know Laura that well but they were sure that she loved Derek and that she would understand. "But what does that mean? You can always be a lone wolf, right?"
"I would be an omega." Derek shuddered at that word. "We don't do well without a pack, without an alpha."
"What do you mean?"
"Omegas can survive on their own for a while but eventually they become feral," Derek said in a toneless voice. "That's where the hunters come in."
"They would put you down like a rabid dog?" Stiles couldn't believe it. They were talking about people here.
"I would pretty much be a rabid dog," Derek said. "But I won't let it come to that. Before I hurt anybody I'm going to end it myself."
"Okay, not happening." Stiles didn't know how and where but if worst came to worst, they would find another pack to take Derek in before it came to that. "You are not going to commit suicide on my watch."
"I'm not going to put you or Laura in danger."
"First we have to see about Laura," Stiles back-paddled. "Most likely we're freaking out over nothing here."
Derek didn't say anything but it was clear that he had his doubt about that.
"But not right now. We're both in no condition for any of that at the moment," Stiles decided. They could see how wrung out Derek was. "Here's the plan. We're going to take a shower. I'm going to wash your hair and then I'm going to wrap you in a fluffy towel. We'll eat those sandwiches, wherever I put them, and after that, we're going to cuddle up on the couch and watch a documentary about flamingos."
"Flamingos?" Derek threw them a glance.
"I stumbled over it the other day but wasn't in the mood to watch it." Stiles shrugged. "Now I'm in the mood. But nice that you raise your eyebrows at that and not the washing your hair part."
"I might object to that as well," Derek said but when Stiles grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the bathroom, he followed without resistance.
True to their word Stiles washed Derek's hair and then the rest of him. They were both naked and this was beyond intimate but there was nothing sexual about it. Stiles let their fingers run over Derek's body to assure him that they were there and that they cared about him. Derek let them towel him off but he declined the fresh set of clothes Stiles offered.
Stiles was just about to tell him how gross his worn clothes were, they were sweaty and Derek had wiped his nose with his sleeve at least once, when something happened to Derek.
It was not like in the movies where the transformation was something gross and painful, this was smooth and fluent. One second Derek was a man and the next he let himself fall forward and instead of with his hands he hit the floor with paws.
"Holy shit." Stiles gaped at the wolf.
Derek tilted his head in amusement before he trotted out of the bathroom.
