Finally there is an update. Sorry for the long delay, but real fife has a knack to throw curveballs and wreck our plans.
Hope you enjoy.
Another huge thanks to my partner in crime ToReadGoodLiterature.
Christian POV
I'm sitting here, listening to Anastasia point out every detail of her ordeal over the last 9 days, (holly hell, that number shocked the shit out of me too), and hearing it in totality gives me a better understanding of her grievance with me. She's right. At least from her perspective she is. Dad and Gamps did use her vulnerability to quickly secure her consent, and I, in the anxious state I was in, agreed this contract was the most expedient solution benefitting both parties involved.
I can also see how the balance of benefit is generously laden on my side. Yah, I've introduced her to greater contacts than what she may not have been able to get on her own. But introductions do not contracts make. She achieved that on her own merit. And thrusting her into the lime light the way we did wasn't the best way to get good kind of attention either.
I admit my handling of Susannah was mismanaged. I should not have delayed her dismissal as long as I had. Procrastination will always bite you in the ass, and it feels like a large chunk has been taken from mine for sure. Then, sharing with Elena the reason why I agreed to a contract between Ana and I was equally…unwise. And in my defense regarding my mother and sister, I did not know their reaction to Ana would be so atrocious.
God. I have a lot to atone for.
Elena is an easy solution. I warned her several times to stay clear of Ana or reap the consequences and reap them Elena shall. As soon as I get back, I'm going to have a serious, (and that's putting it mildly), discussion with my family. Then I'm cutting Elena completely off. With her having no access to my person that will limit her ability to get near Ana. I'll bloody put in a restraining order if I have to, but she needs to keep the fuck away. We may come back to a closer relationship down the road, but for now she needs back off and she has proven that she won't do that on her own.
My biggest hurdle is my mother. My sister…fuck, she has absolutely no idea what's coming to her. I'm close to slapping her with a restraining order too, I'm that pissed. It makes me ill to do it, but I don't want her near Ana. Ever. Not after what she pulled yesterday. Ana's right. At the moment Mia is more toxic than radiation emanating from Chernobyl and I'm hoping without the family's financial support she'll wake up to the realities of her life and woman up.
My mother though. Fuck. That's a conundrum. I try to come up with reasons why she would act like that toward anyone. Granted, since my success, I've not made the effort to be home for Sunday night dinners or other family function as often as I should have. I may have missed changes in my mothers' behavior. As far as I can remember, mom was never a snob. Not like some of her other friends. For her to be so caustic with Ana is odd.
Mom's 'friends' are more like a cesspool of socialite biddies whose clamoring falsities sicken me. Every time my parents host these nauseating social events, Elliot and I would perform our duty as sons of Mr. and Mrs. Grey feigning respectful dispositions, constantly moving about the room so as not to give any one particular family more notice than another. Year after year I'd go through this song and dance never bothering to mention my disinterest feeling too guilty to decline and disappoint Grace. Clearly, it's time to man-up. These were the thoughts circling my mind until I hear Ana's plea cut through my musing.
"Christian. Please just let's be honest. You've said it yourself. You've never done the relationship before, and I know you've been trying but it's not you and I'm not willing to subject myself to more of your skeletons, your friends and your family's bullshit. Your family is toxic. Your best friend is toxic. You are…well…you know who you are, and that's fine. Who am I to judge you and how you live your life? But it's not for me. I refuse to pander to peoples' expectations or to whatever the fuck comes out of your closet or under your bed next. I'm done Christian. I'm just done."
Feeling determined to my new purpose of manning-up I decide to act immediately. There's no fucking way I'll allow anything to come between Ana and me. Not my family, not Elena, not even my fifty shades of fucked-up-ness.
Not right for the job? What the fuck is she talking about?
I practically lunge toward her in my haste to show exactly how perfect she is for me, for us. Her stunned silence gives me the advantage to take her angelic face in my hands and kiss her with everything I have. She gasps in shock giving me the perfect opportunity to thrust my tongue in her mouth and deepen the kiss.
Sweet Lord. Her taste is pure bliss. Maybe we should forget the outside world altogether and stay here in the bliss of our kiss.
I rarely engaged myself in that form of intimacy with my Subs. I used it more as a tool, a special reward for stellar performance than an expression of affection. But here with Ana, the moment our lips touched it's like tunnel vision again with the world fading into the distance. The passion I have for Ana proves that our kiss on the dance floor wasn't a one-off figment of my imagination. This tunnel shit, this feeling is real and my dick hardens in agreement.
I'm broken out of my heaven when I feel a sharp sting on my lower lip. Anastasia is pushing me away roughly, the taste of iron lingering on my tongue when I realize the little hellion bit me. And not just that, the little vampire drew blood. Once again, I'm pleasantly surprised with my body's reaction to her act of rebellion and look at her with a seductive smirk.
Bloody hell. Yet more proof of my need for this woman. If she were anyone else who pulled a stunt like that, I'd have her bound, gagged and her ass would be the colour of firealready. I'm in love.
''What the actual FUCK, Grey!"
She's cute when she's indignant.
"Christ on a cracker. I'm trying to have a serious mature conversation here. I'm not one of your playthings that you can manhandle. For bloody once I'd like you to take me seriously!"
What the fuck is she talking about. I am taking her seriously. What can be more serious than love?
"What is your fucking problem?! A simple, 'shut the fuck up' would've sufficed you egoistical asshole. Shoving your tongue down my throat isn't exactly useful when two people are actually trying to communicate with words! Freaking prick!." She mumbles more to herself than to me, but I hear it.
She's all pissy and full of vinegar, but it's so adorable I can't help the smirk forming on my satisfied sore lower lip. I can't help it. In my opinion, the sting I feel on my lip was worth the kiss. Fuck I love it when she gets all worked up. I know I shouldn't but Christ just look at her. She's a combination of Athena and Hestia full of fire and fortitude and my loins stir with the visual. Lately, around Ana I'm in a constant state of arousal. Seriously it's becoming second nature but considering her current attitude, and the health and safety of my nether region, it would be wise to tame the beast and show a modicum of respect and restraint.
I must've been in a trance like state in an effort to rein in my ardour, because the woman right out slaps me.
''Christian!"
What the actual fuck?!
"Oh, for Christ sake snap the fuck out of it!" I'm staring at her with this deer in the headlights look because I can't believe I just got slapped. Like. SLAPPED.
"Bloody hell Christian! SHIT! Why does this always happen to me?"
I'm gradually pulled out of my stunned silence when my consciousness becomes aware of Ana's mumbling heightened periodically with expletives. She's pacing before me waving hands in the air like a mad woman. I think she's having an anxiety attack or something. Her theatrics is quite amusing and as much as I want to smirk I don't. She already bitten and slapped me once, so who knows what other bodily damage she can cause in a state like this.
''I don't even know how to use the ffreaking radio! Ok." She inhales deeply. "Ok. Calm down Ana. You're a smart girl." She starts to walk out of the galley babbling and I just watch her completely entertained.
I'm such an ass, but this shit if funny.
"I'm sure if I start pushing buttons something is bound to happen." She snorts. "Knowing my luck, I'd probably hit the auto destruct button. Fuck my life." And at that last monologue, I couldn't hold it in any longer bursting into hysterical laughter. This woman just slays me. I can't even remember the last time I laughed this hard in my life.
''Sweet Lord Jesus," she looks at me incredulously, "he's gone completely mad. Right raving crazy, you are!'' she whispers, and her eyes widen in horror.
Her look of anxious concern sobers my delight. She obviously doesn't share my amusement, so I work to control my mirth. Although I'm able to get a handle of my laughter, I can't help the few chuckles that escape me. Ana's face is as pale as chalk and if she doesn't get her breathing back to normal, I fear she's going to pass out from lack of oxygen.
''I'm sorry Ana." Chuckle. "Really. I'm sorry. For freaking you out unintentionally, but that was the funniest thing I witnessed in a long while."
She stares at me in glowering silence. Well, at least her glaring is bringing her colour and breathing back to normal.
"Ok. Well, it was funny for me and I'm sorry for that. I'm not mocking you." She sighs deeply and shakes her head back and forth in exasperation. "I would apologise for kissing you earlier, too, but I'm so not sorry for doing that.'' She looks at me warily taking a cautious step back. I calmly approach her ''Ana, I can assure you that I'm perfectly lucid and very capable of getting you safely to Bainbridge Island and back to Seattle. My faculties are sound and despite what you may discern from my outburst, that, believe it or not, was a display of actual deep joy. I promise, I'm not laughing at you, but you do make me laugh.'' I can't help the grin that creeps up at the memory of her panic just a few minutes ago.
''You're seriously creeping me the hell out Grey. If you don't start making sense, and soon, I will throw your unhindered ass overboard!'' I sigh in resignation because the fire in those mesmerising eyes tells me she'll make good on that threat.
''I heard every word you said earlier Ana and I agree." I say seriously. "You have been used poorly by me and for certain by my family. I've been so focused on saving my selfish egotistical ass that I failed to consider the repercussions my life would put on yours. I am so very thankful for you for taking me on." Her one brow lifts. "Just listen to me." I pause to make sure she understands the seriousness of what I'm about to say.
"In the short time we've been together, I've come to see myself through your eyes, and I'm beginning to recognize that the person you see is not the person I want to be. You think you're 'not the right girl for the job', but I strongly disagree. You are perfect. You've done more for me in the last 9 days than my therapist who I've been seeing for years. You're changing me, and I like it. Ok, maybe changing is not the right word, but with you I want to do better. You make me want to be a better man, a better person.'' Ana is still doubtful, but I do see a little clink in her armour.
''What I'd like for us to do is to forget all about that fucking arrangement we made in my father's office 9 days ago.'' Now she looks like a fish out of water with her mouth gaping and eyes bulging and I bet she's thinking the worst like I'm going to renege on my part of the deal, but that's so far from the truth. I'm shaking like a leaf inside for fear of what her response might be to my vulnerability, but I know if I don't take that first step, I'll lose her and losing her is not an option. So, in an effort to steady my voice I begin my humble application, infusing my words with all the seriousness and gravity they possess.
''Ana you've come to mean more to me than a signed contract. I want us to get to know each other better. I want to have a real relationship with you. I don't want to pretend with a fake marriage. I want our marriage to be real without an expiration date.'' The irony of my statement is not lost on me. Before meeting this woman, I was the king of contacts and strict follower of rules. One step out of line and the guilty party was handed their ass, so for me to step out of the comfort of my past modus operandi scares the bejesus out of me.
''I know our relationship had a very unconventional start and while I don't really believe in fate and destiny, having you in my life is making me want to believe in those things. I've never desired a romantic relationship. I don't even have a clue know how to make friends, but being with you makes me consider that possibility. I want that with you. I've never felt this connected to someone before. I think you and I actually are good together, not just good but brilliant. When it's just us, we have fun. The muscles in my jaw are sore from all this uncharacteristic happiness. Smiling is not that comes easily for me. And I truly believe that we can make each other very happy."
Now, from what I understand about the female persona, (and this is all just from the Nicholas Sparks binge watching movies Mia subjected me to), is when a guy extends their heart in hand to the woman whom he's besotted over, the typical response would be acceptance of said hand. I need to remember that Ana is not typical. Her earlier expression of wariness and confusion morphs into fire blazing fury. It's scary how women can jump from one emotion to its most extreme in a nanosecond. Like what the fuck did I say wrong now?
''You really are a piece of work. If you think I'm going to fall for one of your, or your fathers, sick mind games you've underestimated my intelligence.''
''No Ana. That's just it. I'm not mind-fucking you. This is for real. I'm for real. You've made me realize the kind of man I am and for the first time in my life I see what an incredibly selfish, self-centred, and arrogant ass I am. I marvel at your patience and forbearance. I know these last 9 days have been hell for you, but they've been the most tumultuous for me. I don't do well with feeling out of control, but this feeling of uncertainty is wholly other.
You have to understand that the people around me, even some members of my family, come to me because they want something. There's always an agenda. In one form or another they all want something from me. You're the first person that see me for who I am and despite knowing that you still give of yourself.
You shame me. Deservedly so. You've put up with a lot from me and my family. Fuck. My family. I can't tell you how sorry I am for the way my family has treated you, but I'm not blind to it. Not anymore, and I won't stand for it. You deserve better from them, and most especially from me.
Ana, what I'm trying to say…, and I know I'm not doing it very well, so I'll just come out with it; I'm in love with you."
There is said. It's the mic drop of all mother mic drops and before she goes catatonic on me, I think it best to get it all out there and hope to God her compassionate soul will take pity on me.
I don't look up to see her reaction because I can't falter in my purpose. I need her to understand I'm a new man. I want a chance to be a better man.
"I don't exactly know when I fell in love with you, but I am. I know you may wonder, considering my track record, how I can make such a statement but this is how I know. There's not one other person on this entire planet who make me feel the way you do. You're constantly in my thoughts. Everything about you excites me, and I don't mean that in a sexual way, but I wouldn't discount it either. You make me feel alive and for the first time in my life, I feel the happiest when I'm with you."
Done. I've bared all of myself to her. I'm in a tumultuous state of anxiety. I'm scared and vulnerable baring my soul but in a weird way it was liberating and empowering in equal measure.
Ana's pendulum of emotions swings back to stunned shocked silence. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes wide in a combination of horror exasperation and confusion. Although I can understand how my admission would shock her. I mean, I surprised myself with my own realization, then confession, so I can only assume the shock level she may be experiencing. From what I can tell she seems to be taking it well.
SLAP!
Or maybe not. Bloody mother!
She stumbles backwards after that hard-right arm swing and thank fuck; she lands on one of the chairs.
''Are you out of your damn mind?! Jesus. This is just too surreal to be true!'' she starts muttering with her head in her hands. My left cheek is burning like fire, but I don't give a fuck. She's reeling with confusion and I need to reassure her before she goes down that dark rabbit hole.
''Ana...'' I whisper as I kneel in front of her. I need her to look at me, because while I may have screwed up the words in some way I know if she looks up, she will see my sincerity. She is able to read me like no other so I know she will see I'm being genuine.
''What do you want me to do, Christian." I can tell by her furrowed forehead that I've rattled her. At least I know she's hasn't completely written me off. I know I affect her. I know she's attracted to me as much as I am to her, and I'm hoping against everything that will tip the balance.
"Y'know. You are such a fucker. I was all determined to cut you Grey's off with dignity. I was at the end of my rope and now you throw this shit at me? SERIOUSLY?! You're such an ass."
Yes. I know I'm an ass and I feel like shit for putting her in a state of confusion. I'd apologise, yet again, but truly, I can't because I'm not sorry for opening myself to her. I can't let her go, not now. I've just come to realize the depth of my feelings for her.
Fuck. This is crazy.
My anxiety is so great that I'm sweating like some kind of farm animal in a burning barn.
''I'm sorry, Ana. Yes. I admit to being an ass for throwing down that card. But I think you know me well enough, at least enough of my history, to know that I have real issues with relationships and dolling out the I-love-you cards is not in the realm of who I am, or was, or...fuck… You have to give me credit for that at least. Right?"
I'm beseeching her with my eyes, reflecting back to her my intent and pure honesty. I love her. Goddam it! And I'm totally fucked because I know that Ana is the only one who has ever seen the real me. The me that I've held back from everyone else for fear of abandonment or worse yet, rejection.
"You love me?" It's a whisper and I'm not sure if she's asking me or still coming to terms with the fact that I said it.
"Yes." I take the hand she clipped me with and notice it's bright red and slightly swollen. It was a good clap for sure, but she hurt herself and that doesn't sit well with me. I start to get up to get her a cold cloth but her next words arrest my movements.
"Alright." She sighs. "I'll bite. Let's just say, for shits and giggles, you are in love with me. How do you know that?"
I'm momentarily stunned and elated until I hear the slight inflection of her voice.
"How do I know?"
"Yah. You said it yourself, you're not much of a relationship guy, and it's not like you throw out I-love-you to every Elena, Susanna and Leila." She tells me with that adorable single eyebrow lift. "So how do you know what you're saying is real?"
"Ana. The very fact that I haven't said it to anyone outside of family tells me how very real those I-Love-you are. It's not that I don't know what love is. I do. I've just never believed it could be real for me. At least real for anyone outside of my family. I never thought I could have a relationship that I could trust outside of that sphere. You've made me a believer."
''Christ Christian. You sound like some kind of Evangelical who's been hit with a Halleluiah. And as much as I admire those who surrender to their faith, I'm a bit sceptical of yours. No offense."
She sighs deeply, if tiredly. "This is so surreal Christian."
"I know. And I am sorry for surprising you like that. To be honest I surprised myself even more." I see a slight lift on one side of her glorious mouth breaking the tension. Taking advantage of the moment I quickly and press on.
"Listen. We have these next few days to ourselves. Let's use this time to really get to know each other. Let's do what we planned with the hikes, relaxing and exploring around Bainbridge. Later, and only if you want to, we can talk about this some more. Or not" I quickly add. "I'll take it all at your pace, but with one caveat."
"And that would be?"
"That whatever you decide to do during this time away includes me. Before you protest, it's mostly for your safety. I grew up here and know the island well. I don't want you to get lost and besides, you need someone to help carry your equipment. I promise to keep my distance and just follow your lead.''
Her chuckle gives me hope, but what she says practically makes me giddy with joy.
"You're willing to be my submissive for the next few days Mr. Grey?"
Oh Baby. You have no fucking clue.
"As you wish Anastasia. As you wish."
Rising from her seat quickly forces me to do the same. "Very well Christian. Steer us toward the island and I'll get my equipment ready. You can go fetch while I meet you on the shore."
Thank fuck!
Coming to attention, I salute her with a "Yes ma'am"
So Christian was the first to admit to his feelings.
As we see Ana was not completely sold so there will be more revelations and heart-to-hearts in the next chapter.
I won't be making any promises about the update schedule, but what I can say that we will try to do our best to make them more regular and move the story along.
Love Ilenka and ToReadGoodLiterature.)
