Chapter Sixty-Five

Break Down


(Trigger Warning! so this chapter deals with her past again - and self-hate, the need for talking things out, and suicidal thoughts...)


Alistair and I had chosen three main dishes, two appetizers and three dessert items – paired with two soup choices.

The first soup was potatoes, ham and cheese with plenty of spices; the second soup was vegetarian noodle soup with mushrooms and tofu.

For the appetizers, I went with breaded cheese sticks or chicken parmesan egg rolls.

The main courses consisted of a crusted maple salmon dish; a pasta dish with carrots, asparagus, cheese and plenty of herbs and spices; and another pasta dish with noodles, a tomato sauce, meats, mozzarella, olives, and a few others – it was based off pizza (thus the pasta was named pizza pasta bake).

The sweets included a super chocolaty cake, three flavors of pudding (vanilla, chocolate and butterscotch), and cheesecake.

He was all sorts of excited to try these dishes – come on… cheese was in at least one of the varieties of the choices.

I had sketched out what I wanted for a dress before adding my measurements to the paper; and then drawing what I wanted for Alistair on a separate paper. My paper was folder into his and I told him that if he glanced at it before the wedding, I would be hurt because it was tradition for the groom to not see the dress or there would be bad luck.

A week past that, I was getting ready for my trip to Val Royeaux – Rain had come through my council Ley Line, so he would be joining me; Cullen had been ordered to follow me as my Templar 'escort'; Sebastian would follow me as my Chantry escort; Fenris was coming because he wanted to keep distance between Cullen and me; Hawke came for funsies; and finally, there was Aedan Cousland – my Teyrnir regent and adopted brother while also playing the part of my Warden escort (He would meet us in Val Royeaux).

If I could have gone alone or with just Rain, we could have flown and cut the trip by more than half.

I was still reeling at my day one profits for my shop – I hadn't thought about it at the time, but certainly Kirkwall didn't have that much coin?

Turns out, there had been people from all over Thedas in Kirkwall that day. The Archon, the Empress and even the King of Antiva had sent people to scope me out. My shops popularity had been building and building even in other regions.

Everyone wanted to be at the first Grand Opening. Even the Divine had sent a few people with a chest full of gold to bring back samples of pretty much everything… and they had delivered. The Divine had even gotten a two piece Ley Line bracelet set – that was nearly 3,000 on its own since they had picked a rather ornate set using diamond buttons. They had bought every scent of soap, perfume and oil and gathered every flavor of tea… they even bought a whole tea set with little saucers and tasting silverware. The Divine had almost personally turned my profit with more than 20k being from her.

I suppose it made sense – they had been hearing praise from the De Launcet family in Orlais; Dulci had sent many letters raving about the products they had gotten from me in advance. Word was bound to reach the Grand Cathedral that my items were superior to anything they had seen. The Archon had done exactly the same since the Fae were the new 'magical' element in Thedas… his Ley Line set had Onyx though.

The irony here was that between Tevinter and Orlais; that was 40k of my 50k day-one profit rating. Two factions that could not get along in anything it seemed… both paid the same amount to the same person in the same day.

So much for having a years' worth of back-stock – I was shot down to 6 months of back-stock instead since I knew that sales would go down after the first few days. The good news was that I wouldn't have this problem in Denerim or Danu – because with Denerim, the top dogs had already sent people to scope me in Kirkwall and not just anyone could into Danu.

Rain had a mate – just the one. Her name was Katt – with two T's. She was 5'5 with honey blonde hair, tanned skin, swirling blue eyes, and was Earth Born.

She would take on the role of my personal assistant – setting up my meetings and turning people away if needed. She was completely fierce and if I hadn't known she was Earth Born, my guess would have been Fire. She had a way of making people do what she wanted just by hinting that it was what she wanted. She was perfect for the job and pleased as punch that she would be working directly with the Queen.

Rain was smitten with her, of course – when I commented about them being single mate, he got this sappy look and said he knew he was a lucky man. What could I say to that? He was completely freaking right – Katt was a woman I could certainly come to admire.

Day one of her starting her job, she had managed to get Meredith Stannard to leave without realizing it wasn't the Knight-Commanders' idea to leave at all. I had placed a bowl of chocolates on her desk in the study by the front door without a word.

Among Katts other talents were her gifts – she could mimic voices, grow a tail and gills to swim underwater, and summon storms if it pleased her. That was one Air and two Water traits.

At the moment, we were on a boat. All of us on the main deck – I had pretty much just hired the whole damn boat to bring us.

Hawke dragged Sebastian and Fenris into my cabin and said, "Now's as good a time as any – call Alistair so we can discuss that situation you have. You're on a schedule aren't you?"

I nodded and called Alistair – he smiled at me, "Hello my love – to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"You know I need to be… courting four people – regardless of if I intend to mate with them or not; you agreed to me approaching Bas here… but since Cullen has left me, I need a fourth. I think it should be Hawke since you're so set against Bela."

Sebastian jerked, "Me?"

"I don't intend to share your bed, Bas – you just need to bring me flower once in a while and call yourself my suitor or I'll need to find someone else to play the part; and that person may expect sex from me. You were picked because you wouldn't expect that. You can say no, of course – this needs to be your choice… I just want to make my actual mates more comfortable by picking people that won't try to actually mate with me. Hawke is a bit of an exception – because the way Cullen is going now… I think I'll lose him for good, so I intend to seriously court Hawke… if Alistair and Fenris give permission for it."

Fenris snorted, "I believe my permission was already given; I did fight it at first, but seeing how jealous it made Cullen…"

Alistair looked interested, "It made Cullen jealous to think she might court Hawke?"

"He had no reaction to Bela – but the minute Hawke called her 'Sweetheart', Cullen was quite ready to rip Hawkes' head off of his shoulders. Bela was draped over Ara during the salad course of dinner that night and he didn't bat an eye – but he was pale with anger while she was in Hawkes' lap. I played along to see if it was just a new element at first – Ara mentioned it might be… exciting to see two men in bed together and I am… flexible, so I played the part. Hawke certainly rubs the Knight-Captain the wrong way."

Alistair looked torn, "I… can you promise me he won't be having sex with you all the time?"

I laughed, "Maybe one time; but unless Cullen… only if Cullen severs our connection will I take Hawke as a permanent mate. No offence to you Hawke, but… I don't want that to happen. I love Cullen… it hurts…"

"Sweetheart, I know that – I always knew this would be temporary if it did happen. I know that the most I'll get is kisses in front of the Knight-Captain. If it gets his head dislodged from his arse, then it will be well worth it. I hate seeing the pain in your eyes when you look at him or hear his name."

Alistair sighed, "Fine – I'll allow you to court Hawke so long as you limit it to no more than twice of being in your bed. And one of those is on the condition that you're getting your wish with Fenris. I can never just say no," he grumbled.

"Not true – you told me I'm not allowed to seek out Zev."

"… I swear if that assassin lays a hand on you in that way, I will tell the crows where he is myself."

I giggled, "It will just be tattooing, my dragon. You know I don't like him like that – he's too much like me for that to ever work out in the long run – and he knows that too. He only does it because it riles you men up."

Fenris looked contemplative, "If he wants his heart to remain in his chest, he will not push his luck with me."

"Zev is a cunning little fox – make one threat and he'll back off if you start glowing. Now that the Hawke issue is settled; Sebastian, will you allow me to court you for the sake of me not needing to find someone less likely to want sex?"

Sebastian sighed, "You won't… be expecting anything past… a flower here and there?"

"Goddess; a flower might be nice – you only need to do it once, though. Fae are mostly touchy-feely so maybe hold my hand once in a while like you would escort any woman to any function. Just treat me how you've already treated me – no changes need to be made unless someone from Danu askes 'are you courting the Queen' and you'll say yes."

"… Queen?" he asked.

I smirked, "Rain and I are the only Fairies on this boat, Sebastian – but I'm taking the Queen to Val Royeaux. It's difficult to side-step the issues and not directly say yes or no, but it isn't impossible. My guards are paid for by the queen – that's true because I'm the queen. I get along well with the Queen – I know what I like and I'm the best date I've ever had, so sure; I get along. I bloody hate myself a lot of the time, but I haven't killed myself yet, so something must be going okay. I never said I wasn't the Queen, Sebastian."

I could see him going through everything he's ever heard about me from the start and flushing, "I-I heard you were her lover…"

I snorted, "Sure – I can get myself off better than any man ever could before I came to Thedas. I didn't deny it when Cullen made the accusation in front of Meredith – I was too amused that his mind jumped there. So only he or Meredith could have spread that around."

Alistair sighed, "Well… I approve of the two options, my love – but Eamon is calling me for supper. He says to tell you that all preparations for the food has been set up – and that you'll have to taste the chefs' attempts when you get here in about a month and a half to make sure they're right – but that he thinks they're good so far. The dress and suit are also coming along nicely, but I have been banned from that entire wing of the palace so that I don't look."

I grinned, "Good. How are the kids?"

I heard choking from the men in my room. Alistair laughed, "My supposed nieces and nephew are doing quite well in Gwaren under Aedans' care. Our goddaughter is also doing well – I commissioned a Ley Line to our house in Orzammar so that we can pop in to see her or her and Althild can come here or we can just coo at her from across the country."

"Goddaughter; what's that?" Hawke asked.

"I was named as the 'back-up mother' to a little girl in Orzammar. If anything happens to her mother, then little Vaala will fall under my care; and Alistair was named the Godfather – the 'back-up father'. Any of my mates would be godfathers or godmothers to Vaala once actually mated to me. Right now – while things are good and Althild is alive, well and hopefully healthy – it means I'm more like the cool Aunty that spoils and dotes on Vaala. It was a practice back home to name 'godparents' so that if something happened, it was assured that your kid was cared for after you passed on. My son had my sisters, my husbands' family and my parents, so a god-parent wasn't needed because there were so many of us. My parents named my mothers' brother and his wife – two people that never lived down the hilarity of mislabeling gifts one Christmas – as the ones that would take us."

"… Okay no – I need the story about the mislabeled gifts before I go to supper," Alistair demanded.

"Aunt Melissa and Uncle Lucas labeled every present 'Uncle Melissa and Aunt Lucas' when I was like 7 – and that was what we called them from then on. Christmas is the 12th month on the 25th day – it was to celebrate the birthday of the son of god and generally involved the exchange of presents – Yule Tide; Christmas was once Yule Tide and other pagan holidays mixed together and relabeled to promote Christianity over other religions… it sort of worked since most people thought Christmas was the one that came first over Yule. But yeah…"

"You gave me gifts, made a feast, and decorated a tree back in Herring – that was Yule, right?"

I nodded, "It is."

"I did feel bad I hadn't gotten you anything," he frowned with a flush. I laughed, "Gifting isn't given with expectations of return gifts Alistair – I gave those things to you because I thought you might like them."

"And I did – very much so. I'll be sure to have the palace decorated and a feast made for this years' Yule celebration. I caught several people talking about it – they seem to like the thought of having what amounts to another Satanalia."

"Well, it did also used to be called Saturnalia – after the god Saturn – and people did… basically a lot of the same things, but the celebration was a whole week long."

Hawke sniggered, "Yule is the 21st of Herring right?"

I nodded – he had read the two books I'd published on Wicca and even had me sign his copies.

We hung up after that so Alistair could get to dinner and we could too. Hawke pulled me into his lap at the table, causing me to squeak in surprise, "Hawke!"

"Come now, Sweetheart – you only just agreed to let me court you; I can show a bit of affection, can't I?"

I grumbled while flushed, "On that note, so could Bas! But… fine – I'll sit here… for now…"

Cullen frowned deeply, "You're courting?"

"You broke up with her, Knight-Captain – by Fae Law, she needs four suiters. I'm your replacement, so I suppose I should really thank you for that. I kept wondering how to convince her to let me in – I couldn't stop thinking of that kiss we shared a few months ago."

Oh damn – the tea was hot today. I was deeply flushed, "I-I… um…"

"Are you… planning to bed him?" Rain asked with twinkling eyes – I had seen Fenris lean in to explain to the Blue-haired, green-eyed fairy.

I cleared my throat, "I was given permission for a… test-drive. I wouldn't want to buy the car if I didn't know it worked, you know?"

Cullens' chair scraped the floor as he stood and stalked from the room. I instantly felt like shit and my shoulders slumped. Hawke kissed my bare shoulder, "Maybe this will dislodge that over-large head from his rather firm arse, sweetheart. We're friends – you know I won't make things awkward after he comes around; that's why you picked me for this."

"I know – but it hurts to see him so upset…"

Fenris snorted, "He shouldn't have hurt you."

"He's a jackass," Rain shrugged. I sputtered as I suddenly recalled what Sera would say about him in 8 years… suddenly, I couldn't stop laughing.

"Oh no – she's lost it," Fenris said mildly. A snort left my lips – and as everyone knows, snorting makes the thing funnier somehow.

Rain sighed, "Plan to share with the class, your highness?"

"So… in like… 8 years… haha… I can ask a friend her thoughts… on Cullen – and she says; and I am so quoting this… 'I suppose if you want a jackboot, you get one big enough so you can grow into it. Nice hair though,' – fuck that…"

"I'm a jack-boot?" Cullens' voice was exasperated from behind me. That did it – I fell out of Hawkes' lap because I was laughing way too hard, "She's a lesbian too – the girl who says that. Though… if asked by someone who is in a relationship with you, she'll say, 'And your Cullen-wullen; cully-wully? Lots of men under him; needs a woman over him. Because positions' – so yeah… the brat is bat-shit crazy and I love her for it."

"Makers' Breath – never call me that again," he looked horrified. Hawke smirked, "Oh – Cully-Wully has a new name now, hmm?"

"Wait – a woman over him… that could mellow him out," Rain shrugged with a grin.

I shot him a look, "You would know, Mr. Bottom."

"What can I say? Katt runs a tight ship – or bedroom."

"Back up – I'm a jack-boot?" Cullen asked again.

"Yeah, Knight-Captain – you are the biggest Jackboot; I think that should explain why we had to 'get one to grow into'. You broke up with me for something I have no control over. I told you once – I understand how you feel; I was tortured too… for 15 goddess-damned years. You want to know what the tattoo on my back means; more than freedom; more than the pain of suddenly not knowing what to do with yourself?"

Fenris shot from his chair, "Please Ara – you don't need to do this… I don't want you to have another panic attack over it – I already made that mistake."

"No – he's still my mate; he deserves to know. I was 12, Cullen – and my masters, my brothers, had managed to get me… I had to abort a child; I was far too young and that child was the result of such forbidden acts. You think you had it the worst ever because you were tortured by mages? I was tortured by my two older brothers – and still there are people out there who had it worse than that. Yes, our trials fucking sucked the biggest donkey dicks out there – but I don't hate Aedan, Fergus or Ash just because Jonas and Gareth did that stuff to me and they were my brothers. I don't shy away from Hawkes' touch or Fenris' or Alistairs' just because I was a sex slave. Do you want to know what helped me get through that shit? Talking about it with someone – and figuring out how to get passed my fears of men and family and people – that's what helped. I still fear enclosed spaces because it was usually done in a closet. I still fear spiders because those closets were filled with them. But I worked out my fear of men."

Sebastian looked very, very sick. Cullen looked furious, "Your brothers?"

"Well yeah – who else would have allowed me to stay with my family while they took advantage of me for so long? How else do you think my parents didn't know for so long? Find someone to talk it out with Cullen – because some mages are just kids who are being abused by Templars. Some mages have worse experiences than we do – did you know that Anders was abused in the tower and that was why he ran away so often? Daylen was too – but he was more protected because you were like a friend to him. One of the mages – Keili – was so damn traumatized by what she was taught in the circle that she should have been killed at birth. Mages are people too – and that is what I am trying to get you to see, damn it. Right now, you see them as no better than tools in the hands of Templars that should be controlled or put down. Do you think I should be put down, Cullen? I do."

Slap – Rain had just… slapped me… I looked at him in shock. His face was calm as he said, "Katt would have my hide if you said that around her, Ara. Now – do you need to talk with someone?"

I thought for a minute and said, "I… I think I do. It's been over a year since my last therapy session so I guess I'm spiraling. Unworthy, disgusting, used, trash and… so many other words spiral in my head telling me that I don't deserve life or love. I… I guess I need someone to be a hole in a tree for me to vent at again…"

"I'm your personal healer – I will take that job. And you, Lion Prince; you will also come to me at least once a week to talk this out. No – don't argue. The Fae place just as much importance on mental health as physical for a reason. The Brain is a muscle – and the brain tells the rest of you what to do. If your wrist is injured then you wouldn't use it until it's healed would you? The brain is the fucking same. You will come see me every Tuesday and just talk to me. As a healer, I will not tell anyone else what you tell to me – not even the Angel Empress."

I nodded, "Good – Healers back home have the same code of conduct; it's called doctor-patient confidentiality. Without the patient saying so – unless it's something like them murdering someone – then the doctor/healer can't tell anyone what was said in the meetings."

Cullen sighed, "Why should I?"

"You joined the Templars because you wanted to protect everyone – the mages and the Templars and the people. Right now, you're not even protecting yourself – how are you going to protect the innocent people. Demons feed on the negative emotions. Pride, Despair and Fear would find you to be a yummy feast. If you can't defend yourself, then how are you going to defend the innocent children of Kirkwall if another uprising was to happen – or worse, people invade? What if another damn Blight happened – it won't anytime soon, but say it did? In your current state… you couldn't defend a kitten. So – if not for yourself then do it for the innocent lives you could save," I pleaded wearily.

Cullen bit his lip, "I… very well. You have a point. I suppose I will meet you in your cabin tomorrow, Ser Rain?"

Rain nodded, "Good – Ara, you and I will talk tonight. You have been neglecting your own mental health and have now spiraled into suicidal thoughts and destructive ones too. You plan to have a child soon – this isn't conductive for one. If the mother isn't healthy then the baby won't be either."

Cullen stiffened, "When do you…?"

"It'll be a month and a half after my wedding to Alistair – that will be my next fertile cycle. I may only get that once every three months, but it… guarantees conception if I don't actively take measures against it. Do you get it, Cullen? I know I'm broken – and asking for help is the very first step on the road to recovery. You can't be helped if you refuse to admit there's a problem… I love you; and I just want to see you happy."

He looked away. I snagged a sandwich from Hawkes' plate and made my escape. I couldn't handle more interaction at the moment.


Thinking about it, maybe if my therapists had slapped me around years ago, I might have listened to them a bit more. Rain was very patient with me – but no… he wasn't above slapping sense into me.

I swear – I could get him a water gun and he'd use it like he was training a damn cat ('no – bad ara. We don't think like that'. I could see him saying it in the most Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka voice too. That man could care less if the kids died in that chocolate factory – I loved it.)

I hadn't realized that the Gift of Healing meant physical and mental. The Fae with the gift could help untangle the knots in someones' head to help them feel even a little more at ease.

So… I was long overdue for therapy and pretty much locked myself in Rains' cabin when he wasn't with Cullen doing the very same thing. Honestly, I felt so much better after just two sessions that it felt like my shoulders had lightened by 30 pounds.

It took 2 weeks on the boat to get to Val Royeaux and 10 of those days I spent with Rain just… venting, crying and telling him everything. I went into detail I hadn't with my mates or previous therapists – Rain explained later that his gift meant he exuded a natural aura that helped people to open up without feeling too overwhelmed once the words were out… hence why I hadn't had a panic attack when I snapped at Cullen.

This Aura also helped me to recall details and once I spoke them… my emotions would distance a bit – like putting more time between me and the event so they didn't feel so raw. It felt like cuddling a husky or a kitten; comforting.

Today was the last day on the boat – we would dock in the morning. Hawke asked me to sing… I shot him one hell of a glare for it, but he just gave me a cheeky grin and added, "Please?"

So I did… I sang a song that felt like I was living it now; Should Be Loved by Blue October.

Stop staring, you're the reason I feel so unhappy all the time.

I've given you everything I know how.

You're standing on the top of my shoe,

You're keeping me from gaining Ground – yeah.

I'm sorry if you feel like I've let you down.

Can you tell me; what have I done so wrong… to you?

Tell me; what am I supposed to do?

I saw Cullen flinch at several lines in the song – and he wouldn't look at me by the end of the first chorus. I felt bad about it – but singing was my release. Rain had even suggested I should sing more since I vented my emotions when I sang.

I saw the crew of the ship get really into the song – a few even danced to it. Hawke pulled me into a deep kiss at the end of it… before Fenris stole me away for a snuggle and a talk.

"Are you okay?" Fenris asked as we curled up on the bed.

"I don't even know anymore, love. I mean… have I lost him? He hasn't broken the connection so I still feel hope and the more I hope the more it's going to hurt when he cuts me out of his life."

Fenris sighed, "I do not know how to help in this…"

"I don't expect you to – this is mostly something Cullen needs to figure out for himself. He claims to 'love' me – well, he claimed while I was supposedly out cold on his bed when he first moved in."

"Do you think he meant it?"

"I know he did – I've known he was in love with me since before the expedition and his feelings didn't express a lie in his words. But he hasn't said it since then so… I don't know if that's still the case."

Fenris brushed the backs of his fingers across my cheek, "I'm sorry he's hurting you so much. If I could just make him see that he's losing you…"

I shook my head, "I love him – I've always loved him, I think. Even before I came here, I think I was already in love with you, Alistair and Cullen… I thought you were just… characters in a damn game; it feels so wrong to think of it that way now that I'm here. But I obsessed over all three of you. I have no idea who my fourth mate might be because I couldn't bring myself to really look at the other 'options'. We knew you were my mate before I met you because I mentioned your name and Alistair had no jealous feelings toward you at all. Even before he was my mate… I loved him, Fenris."

He sighed, "I wish I could take your pain…"

"I don't – I wouldn't wish you any pain. I love you."

He jerked – this was the first time I was actually telling him that I loved him rather than mentioning it as I ranted or something.

He blinked several times, "I… you do?"

I nodded and curled closer to him, "I do – you are my Amatus, Fenris."

His breath caught and his arms tightened around me. His lips descended on mine and when he pulled away I was breathless.

His voice was full of worried wonder, "Do you have any idea what that means?"

"It's similar to Ma Vhenan – which is what I call Alistair on occation. It's a term of endearment. I'm pretty sure it translates to 'Beloved', right?"

"Close enough – Fasta Vass, Ara; say it again."

I smiled, "Amatus, I love you."

His lips met mine roughly – he was kissing me. He hadn't kissed me like this before… it filled my heart with love and contentedness. I slept better that night than I had the whole damn trip.