Note: I ran into this problem where I wanted a humorous ficlet for "I", but then I kept liking them too much and moving them out of the collection as standalones (i.e.,"Illegible" and "Incognito"). Which led to the problem where I needed to come up with yet another humor piece for a word starting with the same letter, and you might know that I'm better suited to angst and the like lol I'm just glad to have finally pushed past this particular barrier.


Inedible

not fit or suitable for eating.

Lucy doesn't like fish. Happy is determined to change that, no matter what it takes—and it will take a lot.


"Stop staring at my fish," Happy said, glaring at Lucy as he hugged his fish protectively. "It's mine. You can't have it."

Lucy wrinkled her nose. "Keep it. I don't want your fish. I don't even like fish."

Happy gaped back at her. "What do you mean, you don't even like fish?"

"Exactly what I said. I don't like fish. It's all yours."

"But you have to like fish! Fish are the best food ever! Here, try some. I know you'll love it."

Happy shoved his fish at Lucy, who squealed in disgust and slid farther down the bench.

"What happened to it's mine and you can't have it?" she demanded.

"There are more important things! That was before you said you didn't like it at all. Come on, try some. Everyone has to like fish."

"No thanks."

"Natsu, tell Lucy she has to try my fish!"

Natsu was busy fighting with Gray over who was the most destructive member of the team and had no time for arguments about fish. What a flake. Happy was on his own.

"You like it, though," Lucy reasoned. "Why don't you eat it?"

"Lucyyy."

"It's raw! Only cats eat raw fish!"

Happy grumbled to himself in displeasure. Humans were always ruining perfectly good food by cooking it instead of leaving it in its natural state. No wonder they had awful taste.

"Natsu!" he barked. "Cook the fish!"

He scooted across the tabletop and whacked Natsu across the back of the head with the fish's tail.

"Can't you see I'm trying to have an argument here?" Natsu said impatiently. "Tell Gray he messes up more than I do."

"Will it make you cook my fish?"

"Sure."

"Gray messes up more than you do, but you're more destructive and lose us more jewels on jobs."

Natsu hesitated, considering the answer, and Gray snorted loudly.

"Fine," Natsu said. "Good enough."

He sucked in a deep breath and puffed out a little jet of flame to char the fish.

"The cat pretty much proved my point," Gray said smugly.

Natsu instantly turned on him again. "He did not! You still screw up more, anyway!"

Happy rolled his eyes and left them to it. "Here, Lucy! Natsu cooked the fish for you. Now you can eat it."

The look of disgust on her face was borderline offensive. "It's black," she said.

"You're the one who wanted it cooked. Humans cook everything to death. And Natsu pretty much burns everything. But the inside should be okay."

"I really don't think–"

"Pleaaaaseee?" Happy decided it was time to bring out the big guns. He widened his eyes as far as they would go, flattened his ears, and stared at Lucy soulfully.

Lucy squirmed in her seat. "Stop doing that." Happy sighed mournfully and let his tail droop. "Oh, alright! Give it here, you stupid fur ball."

"Yay!" Happy handed over the fish—Lucy refused to touch it and insisted on getting a plate and silverware instead—and watched as she cut it open.

She made another face. "It's still raw inside."

"Oh my gosh. Humans are such babies."

Happy badgered Natsu into singeing the inside of the fish too, and Lucy still turned her nose up until he told her to just eat around it, already!

"It's dry," she said. "Even the bits that aren't burned are dry as bone."

Happy threw his paws into the air. "Why are humans so picky?" he asked no one in particular. When Lucy pushed the plate away, he glowered at her. "You have to eat all of it, since you made Natsu ruin my perfectly good fish for you."

"I didn't make Natsu do anything. I didn't even want your fish."

She wouldn't budge on the point, so Happy reluctantly nibbled at her leftovers. No point wasting fish, even if it was far better raw and juicy.

"I bet you'd like fish if we had a better cook than Natsu," he grumbled, licking burnt fish flakes off his paws.

Lucy smiled apologetically. "I really don't think so, Happy. I've never cared for fish."

"Well, that won't do. We'll just have to keep trying different kinds until we find one you like.

Lucy opened her mouth to protest, but Happy wouldn't take no for an answer. He would make sure she ate fish until she liked it.


Since Natsu's method of cooking was really more like charring, Happy had never bothered to learn, Lucy was unwilling, Gray barely knew how to turn on a stove, and Erza could burn water just by looking at it, they settled on Mira. She could cook, and always loved a good bet. Apparently, they had stirred up enough of a fuss that the guild had taken an interest and was placing bets on whether they could make Lucy like fish and how long it might take. Mira, savvy businesswoman that she was, was somehow getting a cut of all the money changing hands. All proper bets were placed with the barkeep, after all.

Not many people put their bets on the pizza.

"Pizza?" Lucy asked, aghast. "Who puts fish on pizza?"

"Like anchovies," Happy explained patiently. "And humans love pizza. Even I like pizza, just not as much as fish."

"Well, I guess I can do that," Mira said, although she looked doubtful. "I can make a mean pizza. Do you want to pick the best fish for the job?"

Happy did, and the results were to die for.

"I would rather die than finish that," Lucy said.

Happy shrugged and polished it off. He wouldn't get his fur all in a ruffle this early in the game, although he was disappointed the pizza hadn't pulled through. There were plenty of other ways to prepare a fish.

But Lucy didn't like it no matter what they did, or at least wouldn't admit to it. No matter what herb or seasoning or side they tried, Lucy turned her nose up. Even Mira was at a loss, and she could make anything taste good.

"I've pretty much tried all my spices and tricks," she said with a helpless shrug. "We've tried tacos and sushi and soups and sandwiches. Maybe she just doesn't like fish."

"Impossible!" Happy cried. He glared across the table at Lucy, who was poking unenthusiastically at the latest fillet.

Lucy sighed. "We've been playing this game for weeks, Happy. Can't we move on now?"

"Never!" He turned pleading eyes back on Mira. "You're the best chef we've got. You're my last hope! Can't you do something?"

She tapped a finger against her lip thoughtfully. "Well, maybe we could try a different kind of fish? You've been mostly bringing me the same kind. Maybe she would like a different one better."

Happy perked right up. "That's a great idea! You're a genius, Mira. Lucy, let's go!"

Lucy put down her fork and eyed him warily. "Go where?"

"Fishing, obviously. We'll need to take the train, though. We only have a couple kinds of fish in our river."

She wrinkled her nose. "Just go to the grocery store."

Happy stared at her in horror. "No wonder your tastes are so awful! You don't eat fresh food!"

"They have plenty of fresh food at the store."

"Not fresh enough."

Lucy dug in her heels, but Happy was no amateur. He took her fishing.

Lucy, as it turned out, was terrible at fishing. Not only was she terrible, but she complained constantly about how bored she was and how stupid this was and can we please go home now?

Happy couldn't get any blessed quiet until he said, "Geez, Lucy. You whine more than Natsu, and he has the patience of a toddler."

That shut her up for a while, but she still refused to touch the bait and didn't catch anything. Figured. Happy had to do everything himself, like usual. Really, what would the team do without him?

He caught some fish, but Lucy refused to take more than a few bites no matter how creative and delicious Mira's culinary creations.

"Can we please stop now?" Lucy asked finally, after their fifty-third attempt. "If I have to eat one more fish, I'm going to grow gills and drown myself."

"If you have gills, you won't have to worry about the drowning part," Happy muttered. She glared. "Fine. I don't know what else to do. Mira and I have tried everything. I guess you just have defective taste buds."

"Excuse me?"

"I have a suggestion," Erza said, materializing beside them as if by magic. She had taken their game in stride and mostly watched with indulgent exasperation from the sidelines without involving herself. Happy hadn't even thought to ask her for suggestions. "There is one thing you haven't tried."

"What's that?" asked Happy.

She smiled. "Cake."

Right. That was why he hadn't asked her.

"Cake?" Lucy repeated, looking downright green around the gills. "Like, cake-cake?"

"Yes, of course. Instead of strawberries, you use fish. Simple. Cake is the best food. Everyone loves cake."

"Huh, that's kind of interesting," Natsu said, even though no one had invited him to the party. "Could be worth a try. How do you get the flavor in there? Just grind up the fish? Like in a blender?"

Lucy gagged. "Uh-uh," she said, standing up and beating a hasty retreat out of the guild. "I'm out of here. No more fish."

Even Happy felt nauseated at the thought. "How could you even say you'd blend up a perfectly good fish?" he cried. "You're awful!"

He zipped out of the guild after Lucy, unable to stomach the sight of the fish-slaughtering fiend.

The others stared after them.

"So…" Mira looked down at the barely touched plate of fish still sitting on the table. "I guess Lucy is the winner?"

"Great, so do we have a fish we can use?" Natsu asked eagerly. "Let's try it!"

Erza threw him a look of such intense exasperation that he deflated under its force. "Don't be an idiot, Natsu. That would be disgusting."

He frowned. "So… No cake?"

"If you want cake, I know a good bakery. Fish has no place in cake. I just wanted them to give up their stupid game already."

"Darn," Natsu said sadly. "I thought it sounded good."


emmahoshi: Lol Even Erza has standards. Why ruin a perfectly good cake? I have to admit that I didn't even realize tuna pizza was a thing X) Probably not around these parts lol To be honest, my family is not very big on seafood. I like salmon and some tuna and can handle some white fish, but I generally don't go seeking out anything else. Shh, don't tell Happy lol And lol I feel you on the veggies.