31/10/20: The Bright Side of Life
"FIRE!"
As one, the entire FBI force opened fire.
Before even a single bullet could make its mark, there was a sudden flash of blue as a holographic shield appeared before us. Out of the sky, bursting from a portal, came what appeared to be an Iron Man suit, hands stretched out.
I sighed and put my hands on my hips.
"Outcast, is that an Iron Man suit?"
"Yes."
"Where do you get these things?"
"No questions."
He turned to the FBI agents.
"So, gentlemen, who's first?"
"Focus fire on the, uh, the Rocketeer guy!" shouted one of the FBI agents.
Another portal opened to their left, and there was a loud cry of "GRAPPLING HOOK!" Before anyone could react, Mabel Pines leapt out, grappling hook in hand, firing it right into the face of an unfortunate agent. Wendy followed after her, axes in both hands, and Dipper behind her.
"Okay! Who wants some?" demanded Wendy, before leaping into the fray.
"Man, I wish I had a weapon," sighed Dipper.
Another portal, just above and to the right, and with a flash of steel, Lake had backflipped out, landing right on top of an agent and forcing him into the dirt. Two others turned and fired, the bullets bouncing harmlessly off her skin.
Yet another portal, just in front of the agents, and a crude metal robot jumped out. A voice blared from the head as the arms turn into hammers.
"Finally, an excuse to fight the law and be praised for it!" exclaimed Plankton, piloting his robot into the fray.
"Move the APCs up!" bellowed Parker. "Do it! Do it now!"
"INCOMING!"
A gigantic fist slammed onto one of the APCs as Kamala Khan literally jumped out of a portal.
"Didn't expect this, didja?" she demanded.
"This is Parker!" Parker bellowed into his radio. "Forget the weather, we need helicopters, now! I…"
He was drowned out by the drone of engines. I looked up in astonishment as a flight of five Spitfires soared overhead.
"This is Group Captain Mallory, we have control of the skies!"
"He did it!" exclaimed Stevonnie. "He dug out of prison! …with the spoons… huh."
Parker yelped and leapt out of the APC he had been sitting in as a Spitfire soared towards it, firing rockets and blowing it apart. He landed hard on the ground, but swiftly brought himself to his feet.
"You won't get away with this!" he exclaimed. "We have the law on our side."
"Not anymore!"
The Blue-Haired Lawyer strolled up behind him.
"I have here," he said, holding up a sheet of paper, "a warrant from the Department of Justice for your immediate arrest, and a pardon effective immediately for all persons previously wanted in connection with Devil's Island."
"You… y-you what?" exclaimed Parker. "How?"
"The moment you said you were going to disobey the law to get results, you crossed the one line I'm not willing to as a lawyer!" snapped the Blue-Haired Lawyer. "So I got in touch with a few people the AG previously told me to ignore – like E350's Legal Team."
"I have a legal team?" I asked.
"Someone set it up for you in trust a year ago," replied the Lawyer. "Someone called… storybook-something? And… Sim's Most Loyal Servant?"
"But who are they?!"
"In conclusion, my client is guilty! Guilty of being innocent! I rest my case."
"Mr. Hutz, your client has already been found innocent."
Lionel Hutz, sitting in the near-empty courtroom with both Zircons and Mr. Turner, blinked in the direction of the judge.
"Still got it," he whispered at last.
"Hey, since when are you a lawyer?" asked Blue Zircon.
"I just wanted to be a part of things," replied Mr. Turner. "I haven't appeared in years!"
Parker gritted his teeth.
"Well," he snarled, "that's the last injunction you're ever going to make! Juggernaut!"
The big agent turned his gun on the Lawyer.
"Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this," he sneered.
"Nope, sorry, we're going for a flight."
Outcast grabbed him by the arms, yanking him up and shooting off into the sky. I watched as he soared towards the sea, the screaming agent in tow.
"I'm sure he'll be fine," I said blandly.
"I dunno," said Stevonnie. "It looks a lot like Outcast is drowning him."
"Stun drowning him, 'Vonnie."
"This is all great," said Tulip, "but without the internet, I can't get the Crucible too…"
"Hey, check out my new SuperModem!"
Rick burst out of a portal, flanked by Morty and Summer in exosuits. As his grandchildren turned on the FBI agents, he sauntered over to me, holding up a wireless modem.
"Who wants that sweet zero-latency 20TB connection?" he asked. "You do, that's who! It's pretty… it's pretty sweet, huh!"
He pressed the power button, and Tulip's eyes widened.
"It… I can set this up in seconds now!" she exclaimed. "It's a deus ex machina, but I'll take it!"
"Wow, Rick!" I exclaimed. "Even you came in my hour of need!"
"What?" demanded Rick. "I just came here to flex on ya."
"Then why do Morty and Summer have…"
"I dunno, it's cool I guess."
"Fair."
I turned to my barred door.
"Now all I need is to get through the barrier," I mused. "This requires Viking strength to accomplish."
There was a long silence.
"I said, this requires Viking strength to accomplish."
There was a long silence.
"I said, this re-"
"Did somebody say Viking strength?!"
A portal opened, and out stepped my good Viking friend, Thorvald of Lym.
"Thorvald!"
"Stand back!" he bellowed.
He screamed as he charged the door, getting closer and closer and closer…
Then he stopped, calmly drew a small vial of olive oil, and poured it over the doorbell.
"WARNING. SECURITY SYSTEM SHORT-CIRCUITED."
The barriers all shot up.
"That's the weakness of your security system?" demanded Tulip. "Olive oil?"
"The nectar of the gods," I nodded.
"You… you miscreants!"
Parker strode up to me, face red, and stuck his gun right in my face.
"I may not get anyone else today, you scumbag!" he growled. "But I'm gonna get you! I promise you this, I'm gonna get you!"
"No."
Parker turned around.
Timmy Turner stood in front of him, starflinger aimed at him, and flanked by Jimmy and Spongebob. Danny and Jenny hovered overhead, and around him were all their friends. On the ground were the Pines Twins, Wendy, Sandy, Stevonnie and most of the Gems, Stan and Ford, Thorvald, Plankton, Patrick, Kamala, Tulip, Lake, Sam, Tucker, Dib, Rick and Morty and Summer; hovering above were Dani, Outcast, Cosmo and Wanda and Lapis. And at that very moment, a Spitfire shot overhead.
If this were a movie, this would be the money shot. But it's not, so you'll have to use your imaginations.
"We're gonna get you," said Timmy, smirking.
Parker audibly swallowed.
"Buh… br… bri-bring it on!" he stammered.
"Ooh, not a great idea," I said. "Well, have fun with him! Sandy!"
Sandy and I ran into the house as the entire gang closed in on Parker.
The house was dark and quiet, but the door to the basement was ajar – that, we figured, would be where the Bus Driver would be found.
Carefully, we crept down the stairs – I didn't dare switch the light on. I could hear breathing in the darkness, and as my eyes adjusted, I could see them both.
What surprised me was how plain he looked. He was just a normal, balding man, who had exchanged the suit jacket of an FBI agent for a hi-vis vest. Gone was the grungy, mysterious getup of the previous year. He just looked like a bus driver.
Tied up on the floor next to him was Soos. He didn't seem to much worse for wear – I was honestly surprised.
"So you haven't hurt him?" Sandy spoke first.
The Bus Driver shook his head.
"I was waiting for you," he replied. "The moment I heard the commotion outside, I realised I probably couldn't rely on Parker as much as I thought I could."
"No flamethrower?" I asked. "No weird pistol thing?"
The Bus Driver breathed in through his nose.
"I destroyed them," he replied. "Nearly all of those tools. I believed the time of… weirdness had passed."
He closed his eyes.
"But I kept an insurance policy."
The Stranger narrowed his eyes.
"I have the remains of the Fiddley Thing Mk. II."
Grim's expression did not change.
"Grim never took the Fiddley Thing," he replied. "But I could never fix it. The best I could do was a localised effect."
He took the battered device from his pocket. Instinctively, I raised my gun.
"I can't kill your friends anymore," he said bitterly, "but I can kill you, and that's enough for me. But first…"
He looked me in the eye.
"…I want to make you suffer."
He pressed the button.
The world swam, colours swirling past. I felt myself fall, even as I stood in place. I turned to Sandy, and watched as her body turned into a swirl of colours and washed away like paint in the rain. Nausea built up in my stomach, and for a moment I couldn't breathe.
Then I felt myself land.
Martial music filled the air as I beheld a massive column of troops marching up Whitehall. Every uniform was a sinister black, and every man wore a coalscuttle helmet – behind them were columns of Panther tanks, and above them fighter planes soared across a blood-red sky. There was a gaping hole in the Elizabeth Tower, the clock faces all smashed, and discarded British helmets were being crushed under marching jackboots.
In the other direction was Trafalgar Square, Nelson having been toppled (although Havelock was fine), the surrounding buildings levelled into dust.
"What is this?"
"This is what you truly are."
As the Panthers rolled past, my eyes fell on a bigger tank, one almost the size of a building, with a specialised platform affixed in front of the mammoth hull.
My eyes first fell on Sandy – or at very least, a parody of her. She was dressed in a tight black jumpsuit, almost like leather or latex, with a red cape flying from her shoulders. Her eyes were underlined with dark eyeliner as she gazed down upon the parade with a cruel grin.
And there, next to her, clad in a black SS-style uniform (although similarly caped), hands covered by leather gloves, riding crop tucked under his arm… was me.
"You are a weird, military-fetishizing, power-hungry little man with delusions of grandeur," the Bus Driver's voice snarled. "This is you, but honest."
"Marshall!" a voice cried. "Target ahead!"
The Marshall sneered. For a moment, he shared a kiss with the twisted Sandy, before both leaped down from the tank, landing perfectly in front of me. The evil version of myself drew a Luger, grinning evilly as he pointed it at my temple.
"This is the truest villain of them all… yourself."
I blinked.
"Oh, come on."
I lifted the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun and fired two bursts at the two evil apparitions – both disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"This isn't psychological torment, Bus Driver!" I snapped. "It might have worked a year ago, but I'm done beating myself up over what somebody else might think. You think I'm an arsehole? Fine, go ahead!"
"What…"
"Am I weird? Yeah! Guilty as charged!" I replied. "But who wants to be normal? I tried giving up the weirdness, and just living alone like a normal university student, focusing on the things that matter. I did that for a whole year, and you know what? It sucked! I don't care if you think I'm weird or stupid or loud or self-indulgent or whatever."
I crossed my arms.
"All that matters is that I'm happy," I said. "And you know what? Yeah, I was a bit insensitive towards you. I was younger, I didn't know what I know now. But if you'd come to me or any of my friends and said; 'hey, I need some help,' we'd have done it! No questions asked!"
"Grrr… shoot him!"
The parading soldiers turned, the turrets of the tanks shifted, and the planes turned to make their strafing runs.
"As if I'm afraid of a bunch of imaginary Nazis," I grunted. "I'm not even afraid of the real thing! They're just a bunch of bullies! And when bullies meet up with a real threat…"
I clicked my fingers – suddenly the street was filled with British Tommies and American GIs. Churchill, Cromwell and Sherman tanks rolled into view, as Spitfires and Mustangs blotted out the sky. The faux-Nazis shrieked, turning on their heels and running for their lives as the Allied army closed in on them.
"…they run," I finished.
There was a cry of pure rage, and the world swirled again. Before I knew it, I was back in my basement – Sandy was next to me, retching on the ground.
"Sweet Sam Houston, that was disgusting!" she cried.
"Well, doesn't do much for my self-esteem," I muttered.
"Does evil-you ever brush his darn teeth?" she demanded.
"Probably not, he's evil after all."
"Damn it!"
The Bus Driver had picked up a gun – not a magical gun, or a rare one, just a small, normal pistol – and was pointing it at us.
"You want a job done properly, you do it yourself!" he snapped. "I'm gonna-"
"No, you won't."
Soos spoke up.
"Dood, every time you've had a chance to kill us," he said, "you've… kinda not done it? Either you've pulled some creepy 'evil Smash Bros clone' twist or you've tried to get Agent Parker to kill us instead."
"I…"
"You've had me tied up in here for, like, twenty minutes, and you basically just did a big stream-of-conscious motive rant about how much E3 sucks. Like, you could've shot me at any time."
"Don't underestimate me!" shouted the Bus Driver.
"I don't think you really have it in you to kill someone," said Soos. "And you know what, dood? There's nothing wrong with that."
"I'll do it!" bellowed the Bus Driver. "I will do it!"
I dropped the Anti-Magic Tommy Gun.
"Alright," I said, "fine. Because I don't want to play this game anymore. Go ahead."
The Bus Driver's eyes widened wildly, and his hand shook as he aimed at my face.
"I will! I will do it!"
"What're you waitin' for then, fella?" asked Sandy.
"I… I…"
The gun dropped from his hand, clattering to the floor. The empty magazine dropped out.
"I c… I…"
The Bus Driver dropped to his knees. As he did so, Sandy ran past him, reaching Soos and untying him. As she did so, I walked up to him.
"God damn it, I… I can't… but I want to!" shouted the Bus Driver. "This isn't fair! This isn't fair!"
"Hey."
He looked up. I offered him my hand.
"There's something a very wise man once said," I told him. "One of the most profound passages in the history of the English language. I'd like to share that with you."
"What?"
I took a deep breath.
"Sooooome things in life are bad," I said. "They can really make you mad."
"Wh-what?!"
"Other things just make you swear and curse."
The Bus Driver looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
"When you're chewin' on life's gristle… don't grumble! Give a whistle!"
I grinned.
"And this'll help things turn out for the best… aye?"
The Bus Driver hesitated for another second – then, very slowly, he took my hand.
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
"If life seems jolly rotten," I sang as we led him up the stairs, "there's something you've forgotten! And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing!"
We walked through the house to the garage.
"When you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps! Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!"
I bundled him into my car and climbed into the driver's seat, Soos and Sandy climbing in the back. We passed the rest of our friends outside – I couldn't see Parker, but wrecked APCs and wounded FBI agents were scattered over my driveway. They waved as I passed by.
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life
"For life is quite absurd, and death's the final word…"
We drove through a cemetery, passing names in the headstones; ReGenesis, James I, the Governor, Galahad, Ovard Grim, Dr. Insano and more.
"You must always face the curtain with a bow."
A few ghosts appeared by the gate out of the cemetery – I could see Simon and most of the villains at the Backslide Inn; I should probably get around to reviving them, but for now we all waved back.
"Forget about your sin! Give the audience a grin! Enjoy it! It's your last chance, anyhow!"
We turned a corner – in the distance, we could see a train station lit up by the sun, poking out from behind the dark clouds. A big blue engine and a train of cream and green coaches sat at the platform.
So always look on the bright side of death
A-just before you draw your terminal breath
"Life's a piece a' shit when you look at it," I said as we got out of the car in the station parking lot, "Life's a laugh and that's the joke, it's true!"
We grabbed a single ticket for Florida and walked onto the platform.
"You'll see it's all a show, keep 'em laughing as you go," I said as I helped him onto the train. "Just remember that the last laugh is on you!"
There was a deep whistle, and the train began to leave. I followed him down the platform, the Bus Driver still leaning out the window – he looked rather bemused.
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life
"Come on, Driver, cheer up!" I said. "I mean what've you got to lose? You've come from nothing, you're going back to nothing! What've you lost? Nothing!"
I laughed.
"Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say? Cheer up, you old bugger!"
Slowly, the Bus Driver broke into a grin – at that moment, I reached the end of the platform, and the train began to leave me behind.
"There we are, see!" I called.
I watched the train slide off in the brilliant afternoon sunlight, feeling completely contented.
"Well," I said, "That's the end of the series!"
"Pretty wholesome ending, if you ask me," said Soos.
"I don't know why we sent him to Florida," mused Sandy.
"I'm just surprised Timmy's not here," I mused. "I mean, it feels like that'd be appropriate."
"Oh, I've been following you since the house," said Timmy, "I was hiding in the trunk."
"Ah!" I said. "Well, I guess that's it then… really, I've got nothing left to say! Could… could we cut away, like, maybe put a big 'the end' up?
The End
"Yeah, that's perfect… I'm hungry, let's go get KFC…"
FINAL STATISTICS
31 Chapters
115 Pages
999 Hits
3 Faves
2 Alerts
37,241 Words
175, 486 Characters (without spaces)
Approx. 100 Hours of Work
One Author – Finished at last.
No bus drivers were harmed in the making of this series.
Many Nazis were, but we don't care so much about them.
And here we are at the end, at least for now.
I would like to offer my heartfelt thanks to everybody who has supported this series over the past eleven(!) years. It wouldn't have lasted nearly as long without your support. Particularly, I'd like to thank Zim'sMostLoyalServant, Storygirl000 (who I apoligise for the Blue-Haired Lawyer getting your names wrong), TweenisodeOrange, Thorvald, Autobot-Outcast and DominionJack for the comments; sorry I haven't been so good at replying to them.
I think it's worth adding that this is probably the end of my FFN account. I'll still write fanfiction, absolutely, but I've very much moved on to AO3. has been good to me (he lied), but I think this is a nice place to say goodbye.
So, from all of... me... here at Halloween Unspectacular, I wish you all a very fond farewell. So long and thanks for all the fish, goodbye-eee, and always remember... I did it my way.
I like songs.
