Erik walked up the stairs and wandered through the hallways of the Conservatory, too nervous to note its wide, airy spaces or the portraits of musicians that hung on its walls. He had picked a time when students would be let home for the day, but rehearsals for concerts wouldn't yet be starting; nobody was in the third floor hallway aside from him and so he at least had some blessed peace and quiet to silently panic.
Realizing someone might arrive at some point and catch him staring at a closed door like a madman, he straightened his spine, took his stack of sheet music in one hand and knocked very politely, barely audibly, with the other.
He began to panic again when he received no reply, but then realized it was probably too quiet for anyone to hear, and tried to knock again with a little more confidence.
"Come in", Fritz Heidel replied absentmindedly, not looking up from his work. He was fuming over the giant stack of paper on his desk, trying to make sense of the Conservatory's official financial documentation. It wasn't going very well. Heidel was a fantastic conductor, professor and theoretician, and his own documents were always perfectly organized and completely transparent - yet the one thing he absolutely hated doing was wasting his precious time organizing other people's messes. Unfortunately, as much as he hated it he was also very good at it, which was how he ended up in his current situation.
"Good afternoon", said the quiet voice as the thin masked man dressed in black stepped slowly into his office and stood, straight but somewhat stiff, in the open doorway. "I'm sorry", the man continued, probably noting Heidel's tired, annoyed face. "Am I interrupting you? I thought we said five o'clock."
Heidel cast a tiny glance to the clock on his wall, noting it was indeed three minutes to five, then gathered himself and quickly cleared his workspace, putting the papers neatly in the drawer of his giant, heavy mahogany desk. "Yes, you are, and thank god for it. I'm glad you came today, mr. Giry", he stood up and offered the man his hand.
"Likewise", Erik closed the door quickly. He offered his own, gloved hand, which was mercifully not shaking anymore.
"Please", Heidel waved at the chair across from his, "sit down."
Erik sat down in one quick motion, his spine still straight and stiff, offset by the incredible gentleness with which he put the folder with his score on the desk.
Heidel took off his reading glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Right. Pardon me, mr. Giry, I'm rather overworked these days. You'll have to remind me what we agreed on when we met-"
Erik nodded, taking the score out of its folder. On the outside, he looked cold and calculated, when in reality these careful and precise movements were the only thing stopping his entire nervous system from screaming. "I showed you this part, and this one, and I made some changes as you suggested across the second and third movement. It works well together, as you've said. I've also transcribed some of this into a piano score, so you can play it for yourself if you wish to hear it - or I could, I mean, if you'd prefer", he added quickly, wondering if that was a rude thing to say.
"Oh. Clever", Heidel remarked. "Some of these harmonies are… unusual, I'd have to focus quite a lot to go through the full score. This simplifies things, and saves my time." God bless you, young man. Time is not something I currently have at my disposal. "May I have a moment to take a look at this?"
"Certainly", Erik shrugged, silently relieved. He wasn't in a hurry, and given some time he might actually be able to gather himself and say a sentence or two he hadn't learned by heart in advance.
"Mmmmhm." Heidel looked through the papers, noting the corrections Erik made - they were not quite literal to what he remembered saying to him, but Erik apparently had a very good idea of what Fritz liked to see, judging by the changes. "Very well, mr. Giry. I can see this happening. There's always musicians in need of a project in this place", he raised his head to look the young man in the eye. "And what would you like us to do with it, now?"
Erik blinked, his stiff demeanor slipping away for a second. "Excuse me?"
"Well, I'm guessing you'd like us to provide you with a venue and some performers, as well as discuss your salary if this turns out to be a commercial success. Is that so?" Heidel looked at him strictly, unsure what the problem was.
"I, uh- a-a-are you saying you accept?" Erik stuttered. You're letting me? You're just going to let me?
"Are you surprised, sir? I thought that was obvious from the start." Heidel straightened a bit. "Those were only minor revisions I asked for, were they not? We'll discuss some other details as well, but even so, I've been fairly certain from the start we'd go along with this."
"Uh", Erik's heart was now dangerously close to breaking out of his ribcage. "Pardon me, maestro, I need a second." he leaned his forehead on his hand for a second, momentarily forgetting what Heidel might think of that display of shock, before he composed himself again.
Heidel, having seen this reaction from many young, then-obscure musicians during his lifetime, suddenly realized what was going on and smiled slightly. "If you'd like to stretch your legs along the hallway a bit, I'll wait."
"No need", Erik straightened, knowing full well that if he left Heidel's office at this moment he would probably not stop walking until he reached the West Coast. "Well. Then. The, uh, details."
"Alright. What did you have in mind?" Heidel repeated. "Do you have any performers or venues in mind so far? Did you perhaps want to conduct it, or play the solo violin?"
"Oh", Erik's voice broke in a single rasp, and he coughed in a desperate attempt to bring it back. "Absolutely not. Maestro. I'm not meant for the stage. I can help behind the curtain, I can pick the performers and the venue - that is, I would like to, but I don't have to - I can help with rehearsals, but I would not like to be seen on the stage, no. There are plenty of talented soloists we can find in this city."
"Well, if you're so sure", Heidel shrugged. It wasn't really his concern, for all he cared. "And who do you want to have as your conductor? We could find someone new, maybe a graduate..."
Heidel trailed off as he looked back at Erik. What followed was the longest, most embarrassing silence in the entire world as Erik looked at Heidel, his eyes frozen in an obviously guilty-
"Ah", Heidel rubbed his eyes. "Well, I'm honored, but I'm afraid I'm very busy these days. I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise anything."
Erik said nothing once again, merely blinked and nodded.
"Right. Well." Heidel coughed slightly, trying to temper down Erik's constant torrent of silent but very obviously overwhelming emotions. "This should be very interesting. It's new, it's very emotional, very complex - the young people are going to love it, that's for sure. I have one more suggestion, though, the only major one." he waved the sheets containing the first movement at Erik. "This one. I'd change that one if I were you. Listen- you're very promising, but you're young and this is your debut work. I'd tweak it to be a little more conventional, if I were you, because it would open many more doors for you if you could adjust it a little bit to the current musical elite. It's not a condition - I personally don't care what you do - just advice." Having said that, Heidel leaned back and watched Erik intently, with a look that was probably still roaming his former students' nightmares.
"Maestro", Erik said quietly and carefully. This was something he knew would happen, and had prepared his entire answer in advance, and rehearsed it to perfection. After he was caught off-guard and nearly mute the last time, he realized some things today would be too important not to express clearly. Heidel was actually rather pleased with this man - though it was obvious Erik's temper was more or less a raw exposed nerve, the same was true for many other musicians. The amount of effort that went into the polite, temperate, thoughtful facade was all the more impressive for it. "Maestro, I have read the books you sent to me, and I've read some more on my own. I have attended every possible rehearsal, concert and open lecture I could manage, whenever I was free from work, in the past year and a half, in every possible venue I could find, not just the Carnegie Hall or the Philharmonic." he took in a deep breath. "I am, by now, aware what you want from me, and I'm willing to compromise. I'll make this symphony together with the people who perform it. I have been changed by New York and its music in the past year and a half, and it's only right that this symphony should be changed to reflect that. But."
He tapped his gloved fingers on the desk thoughtfully, then continued.
"But, this first movement, as embarrassing as it is to me now, should remain the same. It is aggressive, dissonant and juvenile - but it is an honest and accurate depiction of my state of mind at that time - and I'd like it to remain there, if only to show how the following movements will differ from it. I'm aware I could rewrite it into something more palatable. You're right to suggest that. However, I've always thought that this symphony's redeeming quality was that it was honest when I could not be, and I'd like it to remain honest, even if that might make it uglier. That is what I think, since you have directly asked me, for which I am grateful."
Heidel took a minute to think, resting his chin between his thumb and forefinger as his brow furrowed.
"Understandable", he finally said, "And, frankly, it's a good idea. As you've already noticed, I appreciate it when composers don't shy away from experimenting with less, ah, conventional musical expression, even when it doesn't pander to the audience's tastes. Unfortunately, that does mean most people won't understand it. You won't get public fame and recognition from this, probably." he looked at Erik, not wanting to immediately say, but those who truly hear the music will hear this, oh they will. They are sure to remember you. He was not one to boost musicians' egos too much too soon.
"That's alright", Erik said. "I intend to write more music, and not all of it like this."
"You'll also need musicians willing to perform it - it's quite difficult." and frankly, we don't have that much money and I don't intend to risk it with pulling favours in the old Academy, so you'll have to do with students. Or whoever else you can think of.
"Yes", Erik nodded. "This symphony only needs a very small orchestra - thirty or so people should be enough. It does need two solo performers, but you needn't worry about that - I'll find them myself. I don't need famous names, I need people who are willing to work hard and who will understand what this -" he waved at the papers, this distilled representation of who I am, but let's not tell him that, "this all means. I'll find people who will approach this with heart, and I don't care who they are."
"Very well. If you do not - I could gather an orchestra of my own students, and I'll pick the best ones I can find", Heidel smiled. "They're too scared of me to refuse if I tell them it's for a grade - you'll have your orchestra within a week, and I'll have one less Conservatory project I'd otherwise have to come up with myself." he studied the young man, wondering how he would react to that - having Heidel simply assign the musicians would definitely make Erik's job easier.
Erik shook his head. "Thank you, but no."
"No?" Heidel raised one impressively strict eyebrow.
"It's your choice, Maestro, whether and how you will grade your students, but I don't wish this to be mandatory for anyone. I'd prefer if everybody who is there truly wants to be there - even if that means it will take more time to gather a whole orchestra. Otherwise, I don't see this ending well at all." Erik was starting to feel like he was watching his body from a distance - some other man was currently possessing it, talking to Heidel calmly and politely, and Erik would probably reunite with his body later and start screaming. But for now, this arrangement was just fine.
"Alright", Heidel straightened with a smile and some newfound respect, "We can make a compromise. They will need some incentive - they have enough work as it is, nobody sane would bother to take on a project like this for nothing on top of everything else." Aside from me, Heidel thought, but if I was sane I wouldn't be here. "The Conservatory doesn't have enough money to pay for a whole orchestra because of my whim, so I will give my students extra credit and a written recommendation in exchange for participating. They will gain something if they join, but lose nothing if they don't. Do you agree?"
"Yes", Erik nodded. "I… I think that's realistic." he paused for a few seconds, then continued tentatively, "I saw a young woman outside - clarinetist, black hair, fifteen or sixteen. She was in a wheelchair. Is she by any chance your student?"
"Beatrice?" Heidel raised his eyebrows. Erik noted the way he pronounced her name- in Italian, not English. "Y-yes, Beatrice Lucchesi is my friend's daughter. She's in my solfeggio class. Very talented girl. Why do you ask?"
"I'd like you to ask her first, if that's alright."
"Hmm", Heidel thought about it. "Of course, Beatrice would be a good choice. She's a good clarinetist, although with her talent for harmonics she would have made an even better composer. But, apparently, she likes attention and wants to be on the stage, even despite - well, she needs some assistance, but we'll manage. Very well. Why, if I may ask, do you want her specifically?"
"Well, I saw her outside talking to her father about homework", Erik fumbled. "I've never heard someone get so excited about their solfeggio homework. Most people hate that subject." But I don't, he finished in his head.
Heidel let out a loud, surprised laugh. "Ha! Excellent. I have no problem asking her and her father. If her health allows it - of course. Not many projects pick her first, which is a terrible shame - she's smarter than most of her classmates combined."
"Good. Thank you."
"No problem", Heidel smiled with a hint of smugness. "You have a good intuition, mr. Giry. If you have any other specific wishes, you can tell me - if it's doable, we'll try it. For now I'll put out a notice, and I'll get back to you in a week or two with whoever I've managed to gather."
"Thank you, maestro", Erik nodded politely and stood up in one swift motion. "For your time and effort. I won't be keeping you any longer."
"No problem. I'm looking forward to this project. We might have something truly special here", Heidel leaned back in his chair, smiling slightly at Erik as he interlaced his fingers in front of him. "You know, this orchestra - this gaggle of moody adolescents, to be precise - might start calling you maestro soon, as well. They're all little perfectionists; if you ever decide to meet them personally they'll be pulling your sleeve in a matter of minutes, asking how long exactly you want that coda to be on page ten, or how quiet your pianissimo usually is."
Erik paused at the door, and for a second the stiff, polite facade slipped away to reveal a sliver of actual personality. "Sounds horrifying. Just tell them I'm dead."
