Chapter 30: Goodbye
Just before Jen moved to Stars Hollow
The highway stretched out long and straight—an impossible, man-made intrusion through the desert wilderness. The caravan had left Las Vegas hours ago, and Jen kept her place in the long line of Jeeps that made up the Krewe. It's a good turnout this year, Jen thought. At least everyone can find out at once. Easy chatter occasionally broke over the CB radio, sometimes pointing out something of interest, but mostly inside jokes and ribbing between the Jeeps. Jen ignored it as she thought about what she was going to say. She owed Brian and Dad an explanation, and she hadn't told them she was moving yet. She sighed heavily. I'm going to miss this.
Jen had been busy throughout November, and she hadn't found the moment to have the kind of talk she needed to have with her family — though, keeping the secret had somewhat spoiled the holiday for her. The Jeep Krewe had been planning this outing to Moab since April, and while part of her wanted to bail out, these people were her best friends on the planet, and Jen knew she might not see them all again for a while. She had let Luke know she wouldn't be in phone coverage for a few days. You have to tell them, he had told her. Unless you changed your mind. Jen knew that her dragging her feet about having this conversation was weighing on Luke, which in turn, weighed on her.
The tail lights in front of her flashed quickly three times, and Jen passed the message on to Chris, behind her. This was their exit. The Jeeps all lined up for pumps at the gas station and there was a flurry of laughing, shouting, and last-chance bathroom stops. Jen didn't get out, didn't mingle—she gassed up and pulled to the side to wait for the group to reform. Soon they were all lined up again and traveling, more slowly now, down a one lane dirt road that quickly turned into a bumpy wash.
Jen drove herself … she traveled second in the line of 14 Jeeps. She always drove second, behind Brian and in front of Chris. The rest of the Krewe had their places too … assigned and earned over years of Jeep trips. Behind Chris was Mike; then Brent, followed by Brian Too, Jamie, Garrett, and Greg— then Dad bringing up the rear. They all had an assortment of spouses and children with them – one big family trip before the Christmas season was upon them. Jen felt a little sting about being, again, the only solo on the trip, besides Dad. Not for long.
Brian's voice crackled over the CB radio. "Looks like about two miles up in that cove to the left." Jen automatically looked left as voices chimed in. "10-4."
Silence before Brian's voice again broke in, "Easy Rider, acknowledge."
Jen sighed before she reached up for the CB microphone and keyed it on. "Roger that, Sarge. Two miles left. Out." Brian was all about safety and communication—it was drilled into him during his time in the police force.
Jen's mind insisted on visiting Connecticut, and Luke, and she wondered how she was going to explain the situation when suddenly Brian's brakes flashed three times quickly and she turned left onto a bumpy dirt trail. It took all of her concentration to maneuver the Jeep across the rocks and through the washes, and the CB was silent except for the occasional "Watch my left, BeeToo" or "You're clear, Surfrider," as the line helped each other navigate the trail. The sun was sinking low.
Once they reached the wide, flat expanse inside the cove, the Jeeps circled slowly until everyone was in. Chris leaned out his window and shouted, "Nobody circles the wagons …" Jen leaned out her window and shouted with the rest of them at the top of her lungs, "LIKE THE JEEP KREWE!" but she chose a camp site higher up the hill, a little further away from the others than she usually did.
Jen camped simply—she was solo, so it was a matter of pushing the front seats forward and laying a couple of blankets out across the back of the Jeep for a bed. She picked up a big rock on her way down to the group site and set it down along the fire ring Brian and Greg had started. "Thanks," he grunted as Jen hunted for a few more. The ring was completed and Garrett dropped off an arm load of firewood. Jen watched Brian stack it up, then handed him a lighter. As the flames caught hold, Brian's eyes found Jen's. She read a mixture of confusion, and sympathy, and accusation in them—what the hell is going on? She closed her eyes briefly and nodded once at Brian—we need to talk—before the rest of the Krewe was upon them.
The quiet of the desert was shattered by laughter and stories. There were steaks grilled, and multiple bottles of Jack Daniels passed around. The kids played games while the adults joked around the fire. As it got later, and colder, the kids were put to bed, and the wives started to drift off to their campsites. Jen looked around the fire at her friends – these were people she had known her whole life. Chris had been her best friend since first grade. Brian Too, and Brent and Jamie and the rest had been friends with Brian, or Jen, for so long that nobody could remember how they all met. They had always been a krewe, and Jen cherished them and the history they had. Their spouses and kids all had come later, but these were men she considered her brothers, her family. Her gaze wandered from face to face, and they all tried to look casual, but she could read them all like a book and she knew they could do the same. There were questions that had to be answered and it was time for her come clean. There was an empty spot near the fire and for a quick moment, Jen had a vision of Luke sitting there with them, laughing and joking. She lost her nerve, and stood up quickly.
"That's it for me, too," she said with an unconvincing smile, "Good night." A chorus of good nights followed her to bed, but quickly fell into silence, and then low muttering. Tomorrow.
Jen slept poorly, and woke up just before dawn. She dressed clumsily in the Jeep under the sleeping bag before she opened the door quietly and slipped out. Her boots crunched on the sand, so loudly she feared she would wake everyone, but nobody stirred until she had poked the fire to life and started a pot of coffee in the ancient percolator that had been her grandfathers. She turned at the sound of boots behind her and noticed how Brian not-so-subtly knocked on the door of Dad's teardrop trailer as he passed it.
Jen stood with her hands to the fire and watched her frosty breath in the first light of the sunrise. Brian came up to stand next to her and looked down at her for a moment before he, too, faced the sunrise. A moment later, Dad came up on her other side and put his arm around her shoulders. He pulled her close as the three of them greeted the new day.
Brian turned. "Coffee ready?" Jen nodded.
He rummaged around the camp stove and pulled out three mugs that he swiftly filled as Jen and Dad pulled chairs close to the fire. When Brian joined them, he handed mugs around and took a sip before he looked at Jen pointedly. "I think we've been patient enough. You've been acting weird for a month. Talk."
Jen wrapped her hands around the warm mug and nodded. "You have. Thank you for that." She looked at her father, who looked concerned. "I owe you both an apology."
She took a deep breath and spoke quietly so as not to wake the rest of the sleeping camp. Her breath rose in front of her in a frosty cloud. "About last summer … I'm sorry. I don't know why I didn't get on the plane after Jason's service. His family just made me feel so ... so … insignificant. You know they never really liked me." She looked up, knowing what she would see. Brian looked angry but didn't interrupt.
"It doesn't matter now. Anyway, I just couldn't face coming back here and pretending everything was fine. I hadn't been fine for a long time. I felt like I had … been in a cage, and then suddenly the cage was left open, and I just couldn't resist leaving it for a while. I didn't plan it, but I'm sorry I scared you."
Brian shook his head, "Jen … we know you didn't have the most …well, traditional … marriage," he glanced at Dad, who nodded and looked sad. "But you disappeared for six weeks. We were worried sick. This ... restlessness ... it has to stop before you get into trouble. Before you get hurt."
"I know." Tell them. "I'm trying to explain." She thought back to the words she had used to explain to Luke. "I was overcome by this wild feeling. I had to leave that city, and I had to get on a motorcycle. I bought the Triumph half an hour after I left you at the airport and I was in Rochester for dinner. I couldn't help it. If I was stuck inside a plane I would have gone ballistic."
Brian scowled. "We already know this. You went nuts and rode into the goddamn Atlantic Ocean, and got sick standing in the sea saying some dramatic Hollywood goodbye to a man who treated you like shit." He didn't even try to keep his voice down.
"That's not fair and you know it." Jen glared at Brian. "You know why …" she trailed off and flicked her eyes in Dad's direction. Brian knew a lot more about her marriage than Dad did—she hadn't wanted him to know just how estranged Jen and Jason actually were at the end. Brian's shoulders sagged in acknowledgment.
Jen was aware of some sounds of the other campers starting to awaken. "Besides, that's not important anymore. I'm sorry I did it—it will never happen again. I promise." She took a deep breath and gave them both a small smile. "Because I met someone."
Brian shifted in his chair and leaned forward. "What? Who? …. How?"
Jen leaned back and finished her coffee. Here goes nothing. "Remember when I got stuck in that snowstorm in Connecticut?"
Brian leaned back, too. "And you couldn't get a flight for a week …"
Jen shrugged. "Yeah, well … maybe I exaggerated a little. I didn't know what I was doing at the time … at least, consciously … but I met someone that I really like. A lot. Like … a lot a lot."
Dad and Brian exchanged glances. "You were only there a week."
Jen nodded. "I know you're going to think I'm insane. Maybe I am, because I can't explain it. There's something different about him … he's kind, and thoughtful, and generous … it's like he's the missing piece I've been looking for. I'm happy when I'm with him and I'm miserable being away." She looked at Brian, then Dad, then back again before she dropped the last bomb. "I'm going to move to Connecticut."
"WHAT?" Brian roared. "Like hell you are. You're not going to move across the country to be with a man you barely even know." He glared at Jen. "You are insane. You can't go."
"I am going. I'm going as soon as I get things wrapped up in San Diego." Jen looked defiantly at the thunderous look on his face before she continued. "I bought a house."
"WHAT?!" Brian roared again. "What kind of irresponsible—"
Dad interrupted whatever Brian was going to say. "Brian, let her say her piece." His voice was quiet but convincing.
Jen smiled at Dad gratefully. "I know it's fast, but there's this connection we have. I want to be with him. His life is there, and very soon, mine will be too." She looked at them, a little sadly, "There's not much left for me here, you know that. You and Amy have the kids, you're busy." She leaned against her father. "Dad's all set up with you and I'm so grateful that you guys are together. But you know we don't see each other as much anymore, and we can talk and text just as much as we do now." She looked up at her brother, desperate for him to understand. "Nothing will change except that I have a chance to be happy – really, truly happy."
"But —who is this guy?" Brian leaned forward again, striving heroically to keep his voice low and failing completely.
"His name is Luke Danes. He's special to me. What else do you need to know?"
It was too much for Brian to take in. He exploded. "Jesus Christ, Jen… what the ever-loving hell do you— "
Dad spoke again. "Brian …" he silenced him with a look before he turned to Jen. He studied her for a long time before he spoke, "I know you're not a kid anymore and I can't tell you what to do. But you said it yourself, this does sound crazy. Are you sure?"
She nodded, "I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
Dad ran a hand through his hair, "Don't you want to give it a little more time before you commit to anything?"
Jen set her coffee mug down on the fire ring. "It won't matter. I decided before I left, and I won't change my mind," Jen said wearily, and looked between him and Brian. "I didn't expect you to understand—why do you think I put off telling you? I can't explain it any better than I have. I want to be with him—I need to be with him—and he happens to be in Connecticut. So that's where I will go."
Dad looked over at Brian, who just shook his head and looked up at the sky. His exasperation was almost comical, and Jen suppressed a sudden urge to laugh.
Dad spoke quietly into the fire, almost to himself, "Well, I believe in soul mates. I believe there's one person on this earth who was put here just for you, and if you find them, you hang on. I was lucky enough to meet your mother and have the happiest years of my life with her." There were tears in his eyes when he looked at Jen. "You've had some bad luck, baby. If you think you have a chance at true love, for God's sake and mine, take it."
Jen threw her arms around her father and felt the tears clinging to her eyelashes. "Thank you, Daddy," she whispered. It was several long moments before she felt Brian's big arms circle around both of them. "You know I only want what's best for you," he said quietly.
"I know, Brian," she looked up at him, "I know you do. And this is it—I know it is." The three of them stood together for a long time before they suddenly felt the unnatural silence of the camp and split up.
Jen laughed for the first time since the trip started. "Okay, you can come out now," she called out.
On cue, tents unzipped and boots crunched toward the fire as the rest of the group approached slowly. "How much did you hear?" Jen asked, looking from face to face: sheepish, concerned, defiant, protective.
Chris—her oldest and closest friend—stepped forward, unashamed. "Every word." The other men nodded in agreement.
She looked around nervously, "Do you all think I'm crazy?"
They exchanged glances before Garrett shrugged and spoke up. "Yeah—but so what? We all make choices and live with the consequences. If this is what you want to do, we're behind you." More nods.
"When do we meet him?" asked Brent.
"I don't know … soon," Jen said.
Greg looked around the group. "Isn't anyone going to ask the important question?" he said seriously. He looked at Jen. "Can he drive a Jeep?"
They all laughed, and as the group broke apart, Brian caught Jen's hand and pulled her close into a big bear hug. "I don't like it. And I can't help but worry about you," he said, "but the only thing I want is for you to be happy. Will he make you happy?"
Jen nodded into her brother's shoulder.
"Then it's settled," Brian said. "How can I help?"
