Sometimes I take great delight in knowing that Kazuma's wild tales are essentially responsible for two religions' current canon. At other times I sort of wonder why the rest of Belzerg hasn't collectively decided to exile the Crimson Demon Clan once and for all. Make no mistake: Kazuma might not have had red eyes, but as we always say, the soul burns Crimson. -NS
That evening, the Hierarch arrived, along with the top clergy of the Erisite Church. They made an elegant procession in gilded white carriages pulled by white horses, with their pristine grey silk robes and feathered mantles, along with staffs adorned with holy icons in bronze or gold, wearing expensive jewelry and coin necklaces.
"Wow, bunch of show offs, huh?" Aqua commented, planting her hands on her hips. "Can't they find something better to do with that money?"
"What, you think they should give it to the poor?" I asked Aqua, feeling amused at the idea.
"Don't be dumb! They could spend it on fun stuff! Like drinks, or food, or maybe some art! Erisite churches have terrible art you know," Aqua said with a huff. "They always have to get my followers to do it for them, or steal it!"
"Nothing wrong with a little stealing," Chris said with a shrug. Then she made a face. "Um, Eris, we er, probably do have to do something about the whole rich snooty vibe though."
"I know," Eris agreed with a sigh. "And the whole subject of, er, non-traditional arrangements."
Everyone's eyes slid over to Darkness and Yuki. Darkness blushed, which made Yuki frown. "Are you making fun of my Master?"
"Yuki!" Darkness gasped. "Don't call me that in public!"
"Why? You said you did not wish to be called Friend Lalatina either," Yuki pointed out, one of his ears escaping from his hood and twitching slightly in the wind. I don't think I've seen him go female again after he met his new "master." Which sort of settles the lesbian question for Darkness, but raises others I'd prefer not to ask.
The largest and grandest carriage rolled to a stop, and out of it stepped a stately looking woman in her late middle years in exquisite robes and a quetzalcoatl feathered mantle. Though her hair was gone to gray, her face was smooth and free of wrinkles, giving her a somewhat youthful appearance. She approached the cathedral steps, then, along with all the other Erisite clergy, knelt respectfully.
"Goddess, you bless us with your presence."
"Well, good to know someone appreciates me being here," Aqua said, glaring at me. I don't know why, I said thank you for the resurrection. If she didn't want to get yelled at, she shouldn't have swiped my ale at breakfast.
The Hierarchy looked up, shocked. "Who are you? We are paying homage to our goddess, not to you, young woman!"
"Oh no," Eris groaned as Aqua stalked down the stairs.
"Don't you recognize a goddess when you see one!?" Aqua demanded, glaring. She was dressed in a rather skimpy outfit with a dangerously short skirt. I've had a pool going for years on whether or not she wears underwear with that ensemble, or ever, but no one has been able to confirm or deny. Even Chris has paid in.
"I confess, at first, we did not realize who Eris was, but you, Axis cultist, have no business interfering in our affairs! Now step aside, or I shall be forced to discipline you! Your inferior cult and it's useless goddess have no-"
Aqua hauled off and slapped the Hierarch, full across the face, then grabbed her by the robes and began to shake her. "Useless?! Useless!? I helped create this world, you stupid mortal! Don't you recognize Eris's senior when you see her?! I remember when your goddess was nothing but a mortal thief who got lucky! Why, the stories I could tell you about what she used to-"
Then the Hierarch reached up and slapped Aqua. Not very hard, but it was enough to stun the goddess. Then she jumped up and grabbed Aqua, attempting to bend the goddess over her knee. "You rude little girl! I don't care if you are a priestess of another order, it's about time someone took you in hand and taught you some manners!" Honestly, I think Aqua could do with a few lessons in behavior.
I was about to get my suspicions on Aqua's state of dress (or lack thereof) confirmed, but Aqua's squeals and crying had made Chris spring into motion. She appeared at the Hierarch's side, and grabbed her hand. "Look, Beatrice, as funny as it would be to see you paddle Aqua, and as much as she might deserve it, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. This isn't what I told you to come here for."
"How dare you!" the Hierarch gasped, trying to free her hand from Chris's grip. "I am Hierarch Hope of Clemency IV, and I answer only to Eris who...who…"
Beatrice (I'm not calling her that gobbledygook, and one of the benefits of people thinking you're a hero is you can get away with things like personal names) slowly looked back and forth between Eris and Chris. "Oh my. Are you...are you the Daughter of Eris?"
"Hell no! I'm Eris! She's the fake! Except, I mean, I prefer to go by Chris these days. Look, we need Aqua for this bit, so put on your big girl panties and come on. I am sick to death of all this mortal crap, and I told myself this morning that was the last time I have to go pee!"
"Beatrice, please let up Aqua. It's most undignified to have my pontifex attempting to spank my senior," Eris sighed. "And I think you'd all best come inside while Chris and I explain just what has happened."
"Plus, if you ever want to get out of this town alive, you leave our goddess alone!" Cecily ranted as Darkness and Claire held her back. "Stop being disrespectful, you bunch of money grubbing-" further comments were cut off when Claire put a hand over her lover's mouth.
"Oh good heavens," Beatrice groaned, and jumped away from the wailing Aqua. "Is that...is she really…?"
"Eris, your followers are all dumb and mean!" Aqua wailed as she was helped to her feat by her juniors. "Your church is dumb, you need to change the rules, and get ride of this...this bitch!"
"Be nice, now, Aqua," Eris cooed, gently rubbing Aqua's back. "I've known Beatrice since she was a little girl. She's quite pleasant once you get to know her. I'm sure she's very sorry she didn't recognize you. Aren't you, Beatrice?"
The poor Hierarch of the Eris church could only mutter a meek, "Yes, Lady Eris."
"Well, they have to promise to be nice! And...and no more charging for healing! That's MEAN!" Aqua ranted as they headed up the stairs.
Beatrice went red and opened her mouth, until Chris sighed. "Yeah, probably gonna have to change that along with the gay stuff. Man, this is gonna be such a pain in the ass to balance the budget around."
"Yes, I've given that some thought as well," Eris agreed. "We're not going to turn into the Axis Cult, a church does have to make money and not rely on pyramid schemes and chicanery to raise funds, but I think offering basic free healing services will be mandatory. And we are going to have to re-write that bit about expelling homosexuals…"
"I...what?" Beatrice managed, blinking rapidly. "Are...are you certain you're Eris?"
"She is," I told Beatrice as I fell in with them. "Trust me, I was there for the whole thing."
"Yes, Kazuma will explain everything," Eris affirmed.
We got the assembled Erisite and Axis dignitaries settled, with a minimum of scuffling and name calling.
"Thank you all for coming," Eris said, smiling at the clerics. "I am Eris. And I have someone very special to introduce to all of you. This is Chris, my twin sister."
"Er, hi," Chris said, blushing and fidgeting on the stage. She'd elected to wear her typical thief's outfit, which made her a tad out of place with her bared navel and shoulders amidst the rather conservatively dressed Erisite clergy. She almost looked like she belonged in the Axis Section, save for her color scheme.
"And to explain why I have a twin sister, I brought Kazuma Sato, the Hero of Belzerg, and my companion through many trials. He has promised to tell the whole, unvarnished truth," Eris declared, motioning for me to step onto the stage.
I had, in fact, promised to tell the complete truth when asked. However, they didn't have one of those annoying truth detecting bells around. As such, I didn't even need to dance around the truth. I just had to lie convincingly. And I'd done that my entire life.
"Greetings, honored members of the clergy," I said seriously, stepping onto the stage and giving everyone a winning smile. "I'm very grateful to both Aqua, and the twin deities of Chris and Eris to be here today. You see, I was born in a distant land, a young boy who had a dream to one day see the world. I saved up my money, and boarded a ship from the remote island nation I hail from and sailed for Belzerg, the land of heroes, to make my fortune. Tragically, a great storm struck during the voyage, and the ship was lost with all hands. As I plunged down into the depths, I held up a coin to the sky, and pleaded for Eris to save me…"
As you can probably guess, absolutely everything I said during that little speech was a complete fabrication. Well, some of it was at least somewhat acquainted with reality, but most of it was a tale I spun out of whole cloth on the spot. I did hit the salient points: how Eris had seen my travails, and battled the Demon Orochimaru himself to free my soul. Then the bit about how he cursed Eris to be mortal once more, but how Aqua had bravely intervened and split Eris into two beings to save her from destruction, and how we had formulated a plan to defeat the Devil King and restore Eris to Goddesshood.
By the end of it, I had everyone weeping, even Aqua, who knew that the whole thing was made up. At least, I think she did. It's hard to tell sometimes. Granted, Eris and Chris seemed to be disgusting their laughter by faking sobs, but the point stands. If you need a lie told, there is no one better to do it than Kazuma Sato.
I, ah, may have done it a bit too well, as some of my tale wound up in the official canon of two churches. Well, it was a good story anyway, and more amusing than whatever was in there before I'm sure.
"Goddess, you really sacrificed yourself to come to save us all from the Devil King again?" Beatrice asked, sniffing as she dabbed at her cheeks with a hankie.
"I think Kazuma's story may have been a tad embellished, but my goal is to defeat the Devil King and save my people," Eris answered, trying very hard to keep a straight face. I think people mistook it for some tender emotion, but she was clearly holding in the giggles.
Then, treacherously, Eris put a hand on Aqua's shoulder. "And that is also why Aqua, my senior, goddess, has come here. Aqua has seen the troubles of her people, and can stand idle no longer. She has pledged to defeat the Devil King, and save Belzerg."
Aqua blinked and gaped at Eris, until Chris whispered something in her ear. "Um, yes! That is exactly why I came! I, er, knew my people were in danger, and decided to come and save them, because I'm a super strong and amazing goddess."
I honestly think Eris is responsible for Aqua's massive gain in popularity over the years. It doesn't make any sense to me either, but then again I don't understand how she's technically Aqua's subordinate either. If I had to pick a deity to follow, I'd certainly go with Eris over the others. Except possibly Tet, if only because I'm going to beat that bastard at Street Fighter if it takes me the rest of eternity.
"And when she does, she's going to use her wish to turn me back into a goddess," Chris added.
Aqua rounded on Chris, furious, only to see a smug smile. "After all, the Chief Goddess is counting on you, right?"
"Um, yes. That's definitely what I'm going to do," Aqua agreed hastily. Actually, you can get Aqua to do just about anything if you remind her that she told the Chief Goddess she'd defeated the Devil King and took a vacation while he was very much alive. I've never met anyone from Upper Management, and as far as I'm concerned, life is good as long as things damn well stay that way. Just thinking about them makes me kind of melancholy.
After that it was a bunch of boring nonsense that Chris and Eris handed down to their followers. Stuff like what I can only think of as "Eriscare" which became the universal free healing system they made Beatrice set up, as well as a few new dictates for their followers. The one that was most appreciated was that apparently they were revoking the 'no boinking' rule for clergy, though the others were received with varying degrees of incredulity and outrage.
That is, until Iris strode in, and announced that Eris had the full backing of the Belzerg throne (Melarc, bless his heart, would affirm this later having no idea what he was agreeing to). And offered to duel anyone who had a problem with the new changes.
By this point, even Iris's legend was somewhat inflated, though only by degrees compared to mine. She didn't actually slay a three headed gold dragon, nor did she blow up the Destroyer with a single spell, but I'm fairly certain she could have done both those things if she set her mind to it. I've learned not to underestimate my little sister.
Needless to say, no one was ready to take Iris up on the offer, and the liturgy of two churches was amended on the spot. Or else.
Unfortunately for poor Chris, Aqua couldn't just turn her into a goddess then and there, as it seemed Chris needed a sufficient number of followers for that. Still, with the entire Erisite religion under orders to start treating Chris as the "Divine Thief" and building statues and altars and such to her, I didn't think it would take that long. Hell, as a show of solidarity, the Axis Cult had already started producing merchandise for Chris's new adoring legions of fans.
I'm told the Erisites are still upset that the courts ruled in favor of the Axis Cult being allowed to keep the profits from that.
After the long and exhausting conference, we adjourned to the inn for a late dinner. We were even joined by Ravi and Vanir, who Yunyun teleported in from Axel after registering Alcanretia as one of her destinations. It was actually rather fun, as we rented a large private dining room. There were congratulations all around to Chris and Eris for reforming their religion, but also to the new happy couples. Yunyun and I were, of course, toasted by everyone, much to our mutual embarrassment. Apparently Eris had been in my corner the entire time, which I find baffling to this day.
"You both needed a good friend, and I'm glad you found one in each other," she told us, raising her glass of wine high. "I foresee many long years of happiness for you both."
"Bit early for that, isn't?" I asked, trying to play the whole thing off. "I mean, what if she decides she doesn't want to keep me?"
"You're not going anywhere. You promised, remember? Friends forever," Yunyun told me, extending her pinky towards me. I blushed and wrapped mine around hers, which made many of our friends cat call and whistle.
"And congratulations to Yuki and Darkness too! A sadist and a masochist! A match made by Lady Aqua herself!" Cecily laughed, slapping the table and raising her mug.
"I am very happy to have a new master!" Yuki declared, his ears pointing straight up in excitement. "I have never met anyone who enjoys pain as much as I do!"
Darkness flushed, but she looked quite pleased with herself.
"Is this all they ever talk about?" Ravi asked Iris, looking faintly disgusted. It's hard to remember, but he really was only about twelve at the time. He changed his tune after a couple of years. His pursuit of Iris is something of a legend, especially since he actually caught her. "I thought you would have some interesting stories about fighting the Devil King's armies, or at least some other tales of your Adventurers."
"Ugh, it's been really bad ever since people started getting together," Iris said, making a face. "I'm worried Big Bro won't even want to go beat the Devil King."
"I'm thinking of retiring," I told Iris. "I've already died twice. No need to press my luck."
"What?!" Aqua squawked, sloshing champagne from her glass all over Vanir, who to his irritation was sitting next to his 'arch nemesis'. "You can't do that! The Chief would do something terrible to me! I'd get banished to a mortal realm, or worse!"
"He's just teasing. We'll help you defeat the Devil King, Aqua," Yunyun promised. I was about to contradict her and suggest that perhaps we deserved a vacation, until she added, "afterwards, I think we should get married and then settle down in the Crimson Demon Village. Um, you'd like that, right Kazuma?"
"Wait, married?" I gasped, feeling my brain short circuit even as I did so.
"Um, well, I was just thinking, since we've already known each other for a while, and, well, we're both old enough...since we're already best friends…"
I was about to say we were too young, it was too soon, that this was a terrible idea. Then, Yunyun smiled at me, and put her hand in my lap under the table.
"I think that's a great idea!" I declared, blood rushing to my face, and other parts of my anatomy. "The sooner we defeat the devil king, the better. We should start first thing in the morning!"
I know, I can't believe I fell for that trick either. It's literally the oldest one in the book.
"I do not know why you have brought moi for this, moi is no longer a general of the Devil King. This is a waste of time that moi could be spending improving the dismal state of the shop's futile finances," Vanir grumbled. He'd taken to wearing a mask, so he at least looked like his old self.
"Oh, but I wanted you to come with us! You're still a talented mage, aren't you?" Wiz asked. "I still have my ice spells, even if they're not quite as potent as a human, I can still help protect the innocent!"
"Foolish merchant! Moi's abilities were granted by moi's status as a Duke of Hell! Now that moi is a weak, squishy human, moi's powers are all but gone! Unless you have need of a provisioner, you are better suited to looking to someone else, O icy witch."
"That's not a bad idea, we're gonna need all hands on deck for this one," Chris pointed out. "We'll all need to team up if we want to take down the Devil King, and having a quartermaster isn't a bad idea. You and Ravi can take care of getting our supplies in order."
"And who, O banished godling, shall pay for such a thing?" Vanir demanded. "Provider, mounts, tents, and the various accoutrements mortal bodies such as ours require do not grow on trees! Unless one speaks of apples and such, but the farmers tend to take offense if moi simply picks them without recompense."
"I suppose it wouldn't be hard to fund the expedition," I said with a shrug. "Hans's bounty was 500 million. That's more than enough to-"
Vanir seemed to zip across the room and plant himself nearly as close to me as Yunyun was. "Why did you not mention this, O boy who seeks to become a man? Moi would be most happy to sell you a variety of valuable materials, with only the most minimum of profit margins!"
"Hey, you talk to us about money," Chris snapped, stabbing a finger on the table. "Kazuma's a schmuck. But Eris and I know how to manage funds! This ain't our first rodeo."
Eris smiled and winked at me. "I think Kazuma might have a better head for finance than you think, Chris. But, Vanir, considering the nature of the mission, I think a 10% cut should be more than sufficient."
"Ten percent!? Ten percent?! Thou must be a goddess, for you seek to bankrupt moi! This is discrimination for my demonic nature!" Vanir wailed, throwing back his head in mock despair.
"Who cares about money!?" Megumin demanded, jumping up on her seat and putting a foot on the table. "It is not supplies, but mystical might that shall carry the day! Never fear, for you have the foremost genius of the Crimson Demon clan at your side! For now, I can cast TWO Explosion spells per day! Additionally, with my Rival Yunyun at my side, you shall have the power of our Crimson Blood to carry you to victory! Our hearts rage with passion, and yearn for battle! For I shall claim the crown, and become the Devil Queen herself!"
"Ha, shows what you know! I, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, shall be the one to slay the Devil King!" Iris declared, jumping up on her own chair and drawing her sword. "I slew Hans the Poison Slime, and I shall be the one to kill the Devil King!"
"No, the Crimson Demon Clan will win victory!" Megumin snarled, smacking Caliber with her staff.
Before things could get out of hand, grabbed both menaces and hauled them down. "Right, that's enough of that. You can compete to see who gets to mount the head of the Devil King on their mantle, but you'd damn well better play your part. Iris, your job will be to lead our front line fighters. That means you stick with Darkness and Claire like they're your bodyguards."
I think that might actually be the only think in my entire life that I've said that actually made Claire happy. "Yes! Fear not, your highness, I shall fight at your side as your loyal shield!" Claire swore, standing and saluting.
"I shall shield all our friends with my body, no monster shall get by me!" Darkness promised, an eager flush coming over her face.
"And Megumin, you're sticking with the mages. That means you hold your damn fire until it's needed. No popping off early so you can dust some mooks. You stick with Wiz and Yunyun, and you cast your Explosions only when I bloody well call for them, you understand?" I demanded, poking Megumin in the chest.
She flushed, but nodded. "Fine. I shall listen to you, so long as you promise to allow me to claim glory!"
"Actually, I'm thinking that's Aqua's job," I told her with a smug smile.
"Bwuh?" Aqua said, pausing in the act of draining yet another bottle of bubble. "I"m doing what?"
"You're the one with the super goddess powers, right?" I prompted. "So, you can exorcise the Devil King if we get you close enough?"
"Why do we want the devil king to get a work out?" Aqua asked suspiciously.
"He means banish the Devil King," Eris said smoothly as Chris dissolved into giggles.
"You're damn right I can! I'm a super amazing goddess! Even Tet and the elder gods are jealous of my ability to purge demons and undead!" Aqua bragged, flexing her bicep and rubbing it with a grin.
She is, actually, right in that regard. She's incredibly overpowered when it comes to exorcisms and the like, and her healing magic is better even than Ristarte's, who's literally a goddess of healing. She is, however, rather specialized, to the point that she's something of an idiot savant. However, when you have a nail to pound, a hammer is a rather useful tool to have.
"Excellent. That means you're on back up healing, Eris. Chris, Ravi, Yuki, you're our midline. Take out the enemies that our frontline fighters soften up, take out priority targets, and keep the mages and healers safe," I ordered.
"Yes, Friend Kazuma! We shall inflict the maximum amount of pain!" Yuki declared eagerly.
"You have my sword," Ravi promised.
Chris eyed me, then shrugged. "Eh, what the heck, I've heard worse plans."
"Then it's settled," I declared. "We shall depart on the morrow!"
I was quite glad no one asked what I would be doing: Staying in Lurk, and keeping as far away from danger as possible at all times.
Look, just because I was crazy didn't mean I had to be stupid about it.
Honestly that last bit just sounds like a typical Axisday dinner where everyone meets up at someone's home. Except without all the children running about and making a mess of everything. Though all things considered, it's probably for the best that no one fought the Devil King with a few children in tow, if only because no one told Aunt Komekko where they were going. She's still upset about that. -NS
