Enjoy...
M.
Chapter 68
Saturday, September 29, 2012.
As per usual, Vala was clinging from Daniel's arm. Mitchell, since the school teacher had broken his heart, was parading around a new girl. Jack was there all by himself. They had found their way to each other around the grill at some point. Cassie had joined them as soon as she walked outside. Soon, Teal'c and Janet also joined their group.
Even if he was manning the grill and his focus was on not burning the meat. Jack was the first to know she was there. The little hairs on the back of his neck stood at attention and his heart raced wildly as he looked up. Janet noticed he was still, with his drink halfway to his mouth, and followed his line of sight.
There, dead in her tracks, was one Brigadier General Samantha Carter. Blushing fiercely in all her dark jean-clad and black loosen blouse glory. What had surprised Jack. What had shocked him, really, was her hair. It was back to the short mess he had loved so much. It was a change from the tightly woven braid she had used since her return.
Jack thought she looked hot in braid too. But the messy hair… That did things to him. Reminded him of how soft her hair was. How gloriously lovely she looked with it sticking up in odd angles after it being thoroughly abused by his own hands.
Silence had fallen over the party, as everyone turned around to watch the usually cold and detached General. Sam felt that squaring her shoulders out of the uniform didn't look as badass as it did under the harsh comfort of the dress blues. Even if she knew that would be the case, she couldn't help it any more than she could help the deep breath she took before she walked towards them.
"What's she doing here?" Daniel groused.
"Is that?" Cassie blinked in surprise.
"Surprise!" Janet grinned.
"It's Sam?" Cassie's eyes widened. Then she rushed towards her with all her juvenile energy. "Sam!"
Sam wasn't ready for that, not in the sightless. She'd always had a soft spot for Cassie. It was so big that she'd almost resigned to her post on SG-1 to adopt her. Seeing her so grown up, so changed, made her cringe at all that she had lost on that front too.
The young woman rushing towards her looked nothing like the child they'd rescued from Hanka. Yet, it was her. She knew that much when she was engulfed in a tight hug. One that seemed to be able to collect and piece together some of the pieces of her old broken heart. She felt… Feelings.
She wouldn't cry. She couldn't cry. She shouldn't cry.
Sam gulped, knowing that all eyes were set on them. Feeling awkwardly self-conscious, and utterly terrified that someone would know that under all her nonchalance, she still cared. Especially about her former friends. She was terrified that someone would figure out that despite all, she still was human somehow. Not when she still was wearing that cold facade to keep her sanity on a base that she had called home. That now felt as cold and hollow as she was.
Shimming in place, she'd patted Cassie's back awkwardly. She couldn't wait to let go of the awkward hug and the claustrophobia that it brought. After all, she had only gotten hugs from three people since her disappearance. Logan Wales, back in the days, when she had just figured out she was pregnant. He had been the only one nearby, and for the last goodbye, she had with him. Parker, every time she'd needed some sort of reassurance. P's hugs were a lifeline. And then, the one that reminded her of Jack the most. The one that was so close to him but so far from being him. The one that Connor O'Neill had given her.
"Sam… Oh my God, it's been so long," Cassie whispered, taking a step back and watching her.
"Yeah," she said, a tight smile on her face. Eyes drinking in the sight of her goddaughter, while trying at the same time to keep feelings out of the way. "You've grown so much."
"I almost died too," Cassie grinned. "We've got a lot to catch up! Come on! You know, no one told me you were coming!" She said. Lacing their fingers together and dragging Sam to what, ages ago, would've been her group. Her old team, her friends… People she used to think of as family. She gulped when her eyes found a way to her husband's.
"Hi," she said, feeling a bit self-conscious and a lot shy. Daniel clenched his jaw and walked away from the group.
"General!" Vala grinned welcomingly. Then she rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, I'll get him. He's such a drama queen sometimes." The alien huffed and disappeared towards the house.
With that, the chatter started up all over again. Sam felt she could at least try to breathe now, that they had at least acknowledged her presence. Although the tension never left her shoulders. By the stiff position in which he was standing, she knew tension had never left Jack's either.
Sam had convinced herself she wasn't going to stay long. Just enough to make an appearance and congratulate Janet. Then disappear back to allow the crew to relax. That Daniel had rushed away from her presence, wasn't shocking at all. It had hurt her a lot more than she supposed it would.
However, she stood there for a quick chat. Nothing too deep as Mitchell introduced her to the girl in his arms. Then when the couple had walked over to meet someone else. The remainder of the group had shared a laugh about something Sam didn't understand.
"You shouldn't worry much about learning that girl's name. It'll be a new one before you do." Janet said. Noticing she was completely lost to the inside joke. She felt, even more, the outsider once Janet had tried to help her fit in. Then, to make it even more awkward to herself, Cassie had taken her to the side. For a long-awaited conversation, she only had a partial interest to take part in.
No matter how much she had tried to convince herself she could do this. That she could face them and get her old life back. No matter how inspiring Connor's words were… Sam hadn't been ready for it. It wasn't long before she felt her heart breaking when she realized that no matter how she had followed every step of Cassie's life, from afar, it wasn't the same. Not when Cassie started telling her how much things had changed in her life. How much of Cassie's life she had lost.
She'd risked a glance towards Jack. Then she understood why he hadn't mentioned their daughter. Why he'd become even more bitter towards her, the days after meeting Parker. She understood it now clearly. If learning about what she'd lost of Cassie's life was painful. It should be even worse for Jack. To learn all he had lost from his own unknown daughters' life.
She wondered for a second if that was what would finally keep them apart. Well, along with everything else during the past eleven years and the regulations on the previous four.
She felt his eyes on her and raised her gaze to meet his. They took a deep breath, as somehow the corner of both of their lips curled upwards slightly in painful understanding. Then she heard it. It was Vala's voice.
"Stop being so stupidly childish!" She had shouted. In a moment everything went silent for a second. Sam blushed. She knew it had to do with herself.
"I'm sorry, Sam. You know him. He'll come around." Cassie said. Sam only nodded.
"I should go," she said instead. She hadn't even picked up something to drink. If she was honest, the smell of the grill along with the nervous tension was making her a bit nauseous.
"You just got here." Cassie pouted. Sam's hand found the not so young girl's face and caressed it softly. Almost motherly.
"I missed you, terribly." She stated in a whisper. For a second Cassie thought she saw tears shining in Sam's eyes. Soon it was controlled and there was nothing more than blue eyes, so cold that they became unreadable. "I'll see myself out." She announced.
She searched for Janet's eyes for a second. Found them and nodded. Janet understood. This was one of the reasons Sam had asked her if she was sure she wanted her there.
Truth was, Sam had hoped Daniel of all people would understand how it felt to return to a place after being gone. How everyone seemed to have moved on, and at the same time, everything seemed the same.
Ignoring her thoughts. Sam marched inside the house to find him and Vala. Both standing in a defensive stance. "You can return to the party. I'm going now." She stated. Vala took a deep breath and mouthed an 'I'm sorry.' Sam nodded and walked a bit past Daniel.
"Of all people, Daniel. I truly thought you would understand what it's like," she whispered. "I guess I was wrong. Another one in a long list of mistakes." She smiled sadly at him. Without giving him time to answer. She walked out of the house, entered her SUV, and drove away.
She couldn't blame Daniel for not understanding. No, not really. She loved him dearly, brotherly, and that made things complicated. She knew he had loved her. In that same brotherly manner at some point, too. But love, it seemed, was overrated in her life. Father, brother, friends, lover, daughter… It didn't matter the what, it only helped to complicate things in her life.
She shook her head as tears fell from her eyes. Now that there wasn't anyone around to watch her. She drove to a viewpoint. She couldn't go home with her emotions barely under control. Not when Parker would be still up.
If she was honest, she desperately wanted a hug. Jack's hug. Those always seemed to be able to fill the void and fix her without words. He always seemed to be able to fix what she didn't even know it was broken. But now she knew… Could he help her fix herself? When she hadn't been able to do it?
She shook her head. She thought about Daniel. How he was avoiding her, as if not contacting them, had been easy for her. As if it was all her fault to be drawn out of their lives. As if it was her fault to return. She chuckled dryly. That was her fault.
Cleaning the stubborn tears off her face. She thought about Teal'c and Janet. How they seemed to be willing to give her a chance. Even when she wasn't searching for one. When she was slicing every chance with her behavior.
She thought about Mark's reaction to the news. How he had welcomed her, and at the same time, he hadn't. How she felt so utterly left out of her own life. Then she thought about her dad. She didn't even know if he was alive. It had been years since the last time he'd showed up at the SGC.
The image of Cassie passed by her mind's eye and she cried again. She was a full-adult now. She had missed it all. She thought about how it would be like to introduce Cassie to Parker. Sam wondered if Cass would feel like she'd replaced her with a daughter of her own. Or if Parker would understand that she loved Cass as much as she loved her.
She rested her head on the wheel and took deep breaths as Jack entered her mind. Why wasn't he near? Why wasn't he trying to figure out what was wrong with her? Why wasn't he keeping her sane when everything seemed so chaotic and out of control? When everything seemed so… Normal…
"This is it, Samantha Carter. You need to get your head out of your ass. You need to become who you were or accept who you are… You can't hide in the years that went by forever." She said. Looking at her reflection in the rear-view mirror. She cleaned her face the best she could and squared her shoulders.
"You've got till the end of the year to fix this mess. You can't keep ruining people's lives anymore. Not when you know perfectly well how it feels to have yours ruined."
She gulped. Her fears, doubts, and guilt all mixed together with the finality of her words. She made up her mind. No one deserved the issues she was causing. She had wanted to be Samantha Carter for the past eleven years. She had already wasted so much time.
"Fucking time. It's always you, damn it!" She muttered. Then she turned the engine on and drove away. With her feelings all over the place, she reached home. She thanked Jessica and let her go.
For the longest time, she stood by Parker's door, watching her daughter sleep.
"For you P. I'll do it for you." She said.
She wouldn't force her daughter to have a relationship with a father that didn't seem to care about her. She wouldn't force Jack to have a relationship with a daughter he didn't want to meet or didn't ask about. Not even if knowing they wouldn't be a family after all they had gone through, kept breaking her heart.
