The next few days pass in a blur.

Eric dragged me to Amity, something about me not wanting to regret my parent's departure or whatever. He was prepared when he entered my apartment, complete with newly purchased luggage bags and iron-clad determination. I didn't have the energy to reject his insistence, especially since he began packing my clothes himself.

It just wasn't worth arguing.

To Eric's heavily suppressed surprise, the funeral procession was nowhere near the conventional dark clouds and black clothing. It was a bright, cooling day. Tree huggers planted flowers above the freshly covered graves, smiling and speaking fondly like the deceased could hear. And if the absurdity wasn't enough, a party was thrown in their honor later that evening.

Everything felt more of celebrating a new birth than having lost a loved one. It seemed that the only logical beings were my dogs, who took it upon themselves to warp into professional mourners. Poor Hawk was bad on the day it happened. But the three of them combined… they made up for the entire faction's lack of gloom.

Somehow, the dogs knew they were dead when we first walked past the house. We were on our way to a guesthouses when they took a sharp detour. I didn't have the energy or care to call them back, leaving them to their own devices. Hours later I received a call from Johanna on the dogs attempting escape at the border of the faction. She believed they were tracking the truck which took my mom to the embalming center.

The past few days have been hell for the dogs. They haven't been coping well, especially Sabre. Their sorrow could be heard miles away throughout the day, with Sabre kick-starting each howl session the second they aren't distracted. At night, they would crowd on the bed, refusing to leave the room. The bed was too small to fit all five of us, so Eric took the couch downstairs.

My partner hasn't said anything that isn't necessary. He doesn't ask how I'm doing. He doesn't talk about work. He doesn't utter a peep about anything except for if I'm ready to leave the house for meals or the funeral.

And as much as I enjoy not being baby-ed and comforted like I'm glass, I doubt it's because he's giving me space. Something is up with him. The eyebags prove it.

And it irks me that he isn't telling.

"What is it?" I lazily run a hand down the top of the blond mane, sweeping off the wood shavings. The hair is coarse, almost plasticky. I'm not sure how horse manes look flowy in movies, but kudos to pre-War civilization and whatever hair products they used.

"What is what?" Eric asks from my right. Unlike my indifference, his words are wobbly - stressed from having to multitask.

I turn to him. We're riding away from the areas of civilization, solely because it's the best way to avoid visitors offering condolences and bland desserts. I've gotten more than enough from Dauntless already, and Eric deserves a break for answering the door and tolerating the guests.

Amity should be comforting John instead. He's not holding up as well as me.

"You," I finger circles to gesture the entirety of him. "What's wrong?"

He grips the reins, knuckles blanching. The expression on his face shows he's half expecting to fall. Much to his silent protest, he hadn't gotten enough practice as he'd like before we'd set off.

Lucky for him, Clyde has twice the patience he has and is the only horse who can function independently with a completely inexperienced rider. Johanna begrudgingly agreed for Eric to borrow him – Clyde's her favorite.

He had invited himself as the dogs and I were heading out despite having no clue on where we're going. Muttering something on ensuring I don't do anything stupid. I couldn't be bothered to tell him otherwise, holding out till the last second to inform we'll be riding.

"Shouldn't I be the one asking you?" he throws back. He wears a dark yellow shirt lent from a farmer. Johanna figured it'll better we wore Amity colors, as it would reduce suspicion. Eric hates the selection of clothes; not that anyone noticed. The only reason I know is because he would change out the second we return home.

"I'm fine, but you're not. Something's bugging you." We're nearing the forest line, I lightly pull on the reins to lead Joy in. The dogs have long disappeared the moment they saw the trees. Only Sabre remained at our pace, realizing after a few hesitant strides that he wouldn't be able to keep up with his brothers. His wound is healing well. The deep gash now merely a raw pink streak. "Is it my mom? Were you close to her?"

Eric attempts to scratch his neck, but a rock from the dark bay horse has him gripping for his life. He clears his throat instead, head shaking. "No. I've only met her a couple of times." Clyde falls behind, tailing Joy and I. Eric doesn't know the first thing about riding a horse. Though, I do suspect he knows 'whoa' means slow down. Johanna had wearily assured the horse wouldn't bolt, especially when I have his mare.

"Is it Jeanine's takedown then? Did everything go according to plan?" I don't know when Max's and Jeanine's trial is, but I assume Eric will have to be there for it. I wonder if Eric will be relieved from Leadership once we return. When he replies with a yes, I continue prying. "Is it your position?"

"It's not been decided. The three remaining leaders are awaiting our return before moving forward. Veronica is currently is standing as head."

I hum, not particularly interested in the faction. The only thing that matters now is figuring what's wrong with Eric. And I'll give it to him, he's good at hiding his feelings. However, not good enough. Whatever it is, it's been bothering him since his return from Erudite.

Neither of us speak after that, and the trek to the stream is quiet. Occasionally there'll be a chirp or rustle from birds and squirrels. Twice Gunner and Hawk returned to check upon us. They move together, a pair of wolves hunting nothing. Hawk leads the way, his keen nose picking up scents of animals quicker.

"If you're blaming yourself over my father's death, don't," I say gently, gliding my fingertips over the surface of the rushing stream. The water is cooler than when I was with John. The temperature is dropping too quickly for my liking. In a few more weeks, I'll have to start permanently wearing a jacket.

Silence.

Bingo.

"There was nothing you could've done." I continue, looking past my shoulder. Eric stands with his jaw clenched, gaze fixated on a tree to the left. Rising from the boulder, I pad over to him and rest my hands on his shoulders. "And I don't blame you."

His eyes slowly find mine, weary and defeated. The pity nauseates me. "I'm sorry."

I step away in disgust. I've had enough with all these looks I've been getting. People should just screw off and continue with their lives, stop pretending to give two shits. "If you think that you've failed me, you didn't."

"I did."

I grit my teeth. "No, you didn't. You were trying to save us, and you did. My father was a dead man the second he was caught." If there was anyone who should think they've failed the other, it's my parents.

His gaze turns hard, igniting like a flame. "Stop it."

I match his flare with my own. "Stop what?"

"Stop speaking so flippantly of them and their deaths. They're your parents," he snaps.

I scowl. "So what? You expect me to respect them after what they've done? Because they've done shit. My father was a fool and my mother a coward."

"Don't call them that. Your dad was trying to take down Jeanine, just like you."

I scoff and round my eyes. "I wished. His misfortune was a product of his own egoistic, selfish means." I'm hoping we can also get our hands on the serum. I'm curious about the substances involved. Perhaps I could use them to engineer something else. "He'd never express the intention to turn her in. It was all for his own serum testing." Worst of all, he refused to accept help from his daughter, who clearly had a better plan paved out.

Eric blinks.

"And if you're going to defend my mother by saying she couldn't live without him, that's bullshit. She didn't even try." My pent-up anger is resurfacing. I can't believe I blamed their situations on me not trying hard enough. They were grown adults. They were my parents. They didn't need me to tell them to get their shit together, the roles should be reversed. "She left me. And had the balls to tell me before she even did. She told me that she's given up, that she isn't going to fight, to live, for me."

I'm yelling now, betrayed and furious. "Everyone says my dad was heroic and my mom was devoted, but I see through their bullshit. She left me when I had just lost him. She didn't try harder to talk him out of it. She didn't say goodbye. She didn't come to comfort. She just left, not once thinking about how it would affect me."

"And yet, she wanted me to forgive her. Forgive her for not trying. Forgive her for destroying me. How can I?" The dam breaks. Tear prick my eyes. I fist my shirt. "How can anyone forgive another for willingly abandoning them?" This isn't a fairytale where parents give up their children to protect them. This is real. They broke my trust, just like the people in school. They told me they would never leave me. They told me they would always love me, that I matter to them.

They lied.

My vision blurs. "Was my mom not enough that my dad put his selfish curiosity before her worries? Was I not enough that my mother decided I wasn't worth enough to live for? Am I not-" my voice cracks. I struggle to breathe, my chest painfully twisting. Strong arms cage me in and I instinctively lean into the embrace. "I tried," I mumble nasally, nose blocked with snot. My head is on his chest, and I can faintly make out the steady heartbeat. "I tried to talk him out of it… to take over."

I close my eyes and hug him tight. The loneliness is beginning to set in, hitting like an avalanche. I've been trying hard to shut it out, forcing myself numb. It had almost worked. "They were supposed to love me, to care for me. To be my family..." But they left, left me without anyone. I have no more immediate family.

Only if I had pushed more, remained here... would everything have been fine? My knees give out. I'm so exhausted, so wounded.

"You are enough. There was nothing more you would've done," Eric says softly, comfortingly.

I wish I could believe him. "You weren't there-"

"I didn't need to be there. You've done more than anyone else would've done. There was so only so much you could've done, and you live a faction away."

"But if I hadn't transferred…"

Eric leans away until he can see my swollen face. His arms still support my weight, and I hate that I don't have the strength to hold myself. "Sweetheart, even if you hadn't transferred, your father would've still been captured and Jeanine would still be You transferring was is what placed her behind bars. You woke me up."

Did he…?

I blink quickly and inelegantly suck up my snot. "What do you mean?" Thrown off so suddenly, my strength returns. I find my feet.

He blinks too, not believing what he had admitted. "I mean…" he clears his throat and looks away, embarrassed.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I smile assuringly for a second before looking away, belatedly realizing how crappy I must look.

Deciding he - mostly I - needed space, I step out of his embrace and head for the stream. The dogs have returned from their adventure, and are quietly resting near the rummaging horses. Noticing my parting, they rise and head over. Their tails hang limp and low, threading carefully around my fragile state.

I kneel before the stream and wash my face. I've lost count of how many times I've broken down in front of Eric. And honestly, it's embarrassing. I don't need a mirror to know my eyes and nose are red and puffy. Blowing out my nose and washing my hands, I turn to greet the three canines. Gunner's head is low, and he presses his cheek into my outstretched palm. Sabre goes underneath my armpit from behind, squeezing himself in to make space. Once he found a good spot, he whines quietly and nudges my cheek with his cold nose. The final dog is less emotional. He settles down in before me and quietly lays his head on my lap.

I suppose they are the only family I have left.

Eric speaks up a minute later. "Much like your mum, I lost my will to live when my sister died." He walks to us, dropping a few feet away to sit with his ankles crossed. Both arms prop him from behind. He's nervous, looking everywhere except us.

I get the feeling like he's never done this before - share. "Elsa?"

He glances up, surprised. "You knew her?"

"Not really, John only briefly mentioned she was your twin." And that she is presumed dead.

"Yeah, she was. Our mother died giving birth to us, and our father was a one-night stand. She was the only family I had. We were close." His voice is tight. Even from my defeated-shocked state, I know having this conversation is difficult for him. I have half the mind to assure him another time is fine. "We lived on the outskirts of Erudite, far from school. And every day we would walk home together. It was a simple life... up until we argued one day." He laughs wryly. "I don't even remember what it was about, other than the fact that it was a big deal."

"She went home alone while I remained at school. It was late that day. The sun was setting when I'd left." Gunner slips away, padding over to the crestfallen man. Eric manages a small grateful smile to the dog. He stretches out a hand to pet him. "Long story short, I was walking home when I heard her sobs. She was being raped by factionless. And by the time I came back with help, she was dead," he says steadily, rushing out the words in as little breaths as possible.

I remain silent.

"So when Jeanine suggested I train for Dauntless, I agreed. She knew had I been more physically fit, Els could've lived. I was aware of her manipulation. She was preying on my state, and I let her. All I wanted was revenge and change. This wouldn't have happened if the factionless weren't allowed to roam freely. They needed to be contained, or executed. And Jeanine had a solution, though not the best. It didn't matter if I came out dead or alive in the end. I no longer saw a point in living. She liked that, my unflinching attitude. I lost myself as the days went by. There wasn't anything offered that I wanted. And I tried everything; booze, sex, beating the crap out of people... but every morning I still woke up empty, alone. Els was the only person who knew me. We had our backs. We had each other."

Were I standing, his next words would've sent me tumbling backward. "Then I saw you." He scratches his neck awkwardly, face rapidly turning pink. "And it was the weirdest shit in my life."

My jaw falls, shocked but also offended by how unromantically he said it. If I didn't hear better, he described seeing me similar to someone who abruptly dropped their pants and shat on his boots.

"I don't know what the fuck was going on. I was running an errand on the fence, then someone pointed out some topless girl running around with three dogs."

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

He's still focused on stroking Gunner, but his lips have lifted into a smile. "So I watched. You were using your shirt as a rag for sweat. I suppose it was an unusually sunny evening, as I was sweating too."

I don't remember that day, because there have been too many days like it. Of all the other times he could've first seen me, he saw me without a shirt. Granted, I was wearing a bra, but still…

"I laughed, especially when you tripped over… Sabre, I believe. You were shrieking and throwing your arms everywhere. Then you tried chasing him, but was tripped over by Hawk." He's laughing now, bold and unabashedly.

I glare, remembering that day clearly. It was somewhere summer last year. I recall returning home with a ton of scratches all over my torso and finding grass seeds in my bra. My dogs had ganged up on me, tripping me over and over by intercepting my path or just audaciously knocking me down from behind. Eventually, it came to a point where I had to fend them off with a stick I miraculously found. Though, my defense only lasted a minute before Sabre yanked it out of my grasp thinking we were playing tug-of-war.

Suddenly it hits me. "You've been watching me for a year?"

He immediately sobers, coughing. "Please don't stab me. It's not as pervy as it sounds." His nose scrunches and he flushes even more red. For a second, I thought he was Axel in Eric's skin.

"Uh-huh…"

"The guards see you more often than me. I only come once or twice a week," he defends weakly.

The hair on the back of my neck stands. There are always eight guards on duty at any given time. I doubt they were all exclusively watching me. Shit. I wonder what they must be thinking of me now I've transferred. Surely they would recognize me now I have the dogs here.

"Why? You don't even like Amity people," I ask, forcing down all the embarrassing things I've done. To him, I must've been another peace-serum high idiot. How could I have stood out from the rest?

"I don't know. It was just nice watching you. I was enthralled by the dogs and you." I blush. Sabre takes this moment to jab his snout into my reddened cheek. I grab his snout and scowl at him. The intelligent dog grins and backs off, heading to bug Eric instead. The man clears his throat, smirking at how my dogs are gradually abandoning me.

"I starting coming to the fence every week, typically after a long day at Erudite. Watching you... calms me. It's more therapeutic than anything honestly. It showed me a world where everything was simple, not fucked up. I did try looking for you in Amity, but only saw you a couple of times. You're were always far away, talking with John. It seemed clear you both were a thing."

Well that explained his inexplicable jealousy towards my cousin.

I never did notice Eric. Though, I did notice the Dauntless truck parked outside now and then. John would always pull me away towards the woods when it's around, telling me I best keep my head down and not attract unwanted attention.

Funny.

"But you couldn't recognize me when I transferred?" I was so sure Eric's gaze lingered on me longer than the rest on the rooftop. "Did you at least suspect it was me?"

He cringes and reaches for Gunner. The dog is resting contently pressed to Eric's thigh. Sabre takes the other side, mimicking his brother. Altogether, they resemble exotic royalty. "No, not really. Briefly, I guess, once or twice. When I first heard of the news of your absence at the field, I thought you were sick, because John had been bringing the dogs out instead. I didn't assume you had transferred, for it would've been an insanely nonsensical move - to leave your pets like that." Now it's my turn to cringe. "Only when I noticed the dogs have started staying at Johanna's office, I concluded you transferred. I asked about them briefly. The way she spoke confirmed that you were still alive and well."

Had Johanna knew he was looking for me all along?

"She was very vague, didn't like that I took an interest in the dogs at all."

"And you didn't link me to the girl? Aren't my calves supposed to be rare to come by?" I laugh. Even from a distance such as the fence, my calves are still unmistakably identifiable. Not many females come close to mine.

He shrugs. "Well you did resemble her, but you also didn't. You were different in Dauntless, more guarded, closed off. And the chances of you being her were even slimmer since it is a well-known fact dogs aren't permitted in the faction."

But here they are.

There's a sparkle in his eye. He smiles, almost like he heard my thoughts. "Once I did find out you are her, I started planning on how I could bring them over. Only to find out that you-" He suddenly slaps a hand over his face, groaning. "Are we actually having this conversation..." He curses quietly, hiding behind his hand. Among the swear words, I make out 'embarrassing as fuck' and 'stupid Anna effect".

I laugh. My insides are fuzzy. Hearing what he's done for me is cute, to say the least. With his face still tightly covered, I wave my dogs off, and they happily oblige. Hawk and Gunner head over to the stream for a drink while Sabre trots off to disturb the horses. I sneak up on him, careful not to step on any dried leaves. Distantly, horses snort loudly as the ignorant dog disrupts their private grooming.

"And?" He jumps when my legs touch his, hand falling away to reveal wide eyes. I climb into his lap, setting myself down to prevent him from running away.

"What are you doing?" Despite his words, he doesn't push me off, uncrossing his ankles instead. He intakes sharply as I lean in. I nuzzle his neck, the warmth of him spreading in my chest.

"Nothing," I mumble. One slow lick up a dark bar sparks a shiver. I lick my lip.

Arms instinctively wrap around me, pressing me closer. "Sweetheart…"

"Yeah Eric?" I tug on his ear gauge with my teeth. It's a solid unyielding stone, and I find it way more arousing than it should be. "Carry on…" He purrs, chest pulsating like the cats here. His walls lower, exposing the simple man who's I've grown incredibly fond of. He buries himself into the crook of my neck and I run a hand through his hair. It hasn't been gelled up since the day we arrived. And while I love the soft feel, it's way too short for my liking.

"I think we should stop," he murmurs. His mouth is on my neck, sucking. I would stop him, but the sensation is sublime. Knowing this is him marking territory sends warmth pooling at my nether regions.

"Yeah…? Why?" He gives my neck a sealing lick and pulls away to meet my eyes. His gaze is hooded, darkened with desire. I bite my lip and smile faintly. It's always a pleasure to know the effect I have on him.

He groans and kisses me fiercely, tongue forcing my lip free. "Because…" he says between short breaths, "we're alone, and I want you." Unwrapping one arm to support us, he thrusts his hips up. The erection is unmistakable. It presses on my core and I instinctively rub against it. Pleasure shoots up from the contact. I'm fucked.

"Then have me," I murmur. His hips don't respond to my grinding, but his tongue does. It pummels into my mouth roughly, forcing my tongue into submission. I stifle a moan.

The hand on my waist tightens, halting my movements. With one last thrust of tongue, he captures my lower lip and pulls, releasing a second later. The hand then travels up to my chin, holding me in place as I stare straight at him. His slate blues are blown out, pupils dilated. Each breath from him is heavy and labored, a battle for control waging in his eyes.

"Because," he starts slowly, growing frustrated. He kisses me once more, but only briefly. "I would rather do this in my bedroom, where we don't have five pairs of eyes watching us and won't need to worry about raining bird shit," he says in all the seriousness in the world.

My need is replaced by amusement.

He huffs when I burst out laughing. "Okay Burri, okay. No forest sex, got it." I climb out of his lap and stand, stretching. Fair enough. I wouldn't want twigs to dig into me either.

"Burry?" he asks, confused. He plants both hands behind and stares up to meet me.

I thug my shirt down when it hikes up. "Burri," I correct, "like Burrito."

He blinks a few times, the skin between his eyes crinkling. "Is that my pet name?" When I nod, he scowls. "No."

"Hey, you're using sweetheart," I point out and leave. The horses neigh suggestively as I make my way to them. Clyde throws his head back, paws the ground, and snorts. I shoot him a dark look. The palomino snorts too, shaking her head. Gold hair flips side to side as she mocks me.

"But sweetheart sounds nice!" he shoots back defensively. "Burrito does not." I successfully hoist myself on Joy on the second try. And when I've settled comfortably, I grapple Clyde's reins and head to Eric. He's frowning, lips moving in incoherently as he mumbles to himself.

"At least mine's original," I smirk down from the high horse. "I bet yours came from Axel's long list of suggestions."

He scowls and climbs to his feet. Snatching the ropes from me, he grumbles under his breath and grabs a hold of the worn saddle. "Whatever."

Clyde loses it when Eric loudly lands on his ass.


A/N

Just realised I manage to write 4.5k words for 1 scene

My country is back in lockdown = more writing time?