I went to bed early that night. I was still shaken up after almost being shot to death. It didn't help matters that the villagers were avoiding me like the plague. They let me slink back to the barn and fall right to sleep. Only I didn't go to sleep. Instead I laid on the haybale, unable to quiet my mind. His voice….. I couldn't stop hearing his voice inside my head.
The barn flap opened, and I sat up like a shot; the blanket covering my upper half sliding down. "Who's there?!" My tone was utter panic. A muscular figure stepped my way with his hands up in the air. "Whoa, easy, easy. It's me," he cooed. My arms instantly relaxed as a relieved sigh fell from my lips. "Carl…." Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid someone else had found me.
The ex-shock trooper came over to my make-shift bedside. He looked concerned but let me speak first. "Where's Mando?" I asked. "He just left to do another round." "Oh….." This was the second time in an hour…. He must be worried too, though I wasn't used to seeing him like this. Carl watched me for a moment longer before his expression softened. "I just wanted to check on you; make sure you're doing alright." Carl… My eyes gazed upon him a tad startled. Him… Both he and Mando- they seemed like such strong tough men, but had secret hidden sensitive sides. Thinking of this made me grin; not a big grin but enough to hopefully ease his nerves. "Hmmmmm, thank you. I'm alright," but I wasn't sure he believed. "You sure?" His question proved my suspicion.
I sighed, letting my head fall. "Well, to tell you the truth, I'm still a little shaken up." "Completely understandable. It's not every day a bounty hunter like that points a gun at you…. Well, not for you anyway." I sucked in my lips at him saying this. The feeling of regret overcame me. "I'm so sorry, Carl….. I'm so sorry you got caught up in all this."
The look on Carl's face immediately changed; his arms tensed up at his sides. "No, there's nothing to be sorry about. You didn't do anything, Saoirse." "But that man was after me…. and he could have shot up the whole village…." "He didn't, and you…. you…. you showed yourself to him without hesitation," Carl said. My mouth opened to respond but nothing came out. I mean, what could I say? He wasn't wrong, after all….. I did do that.
Carl let out a sigh, rubbing the side of his broad neck with his hand. His eyes scrolled away momentarily until they returned to mine. "To think he would find you on Sorgan of all places." I didn't say anything. His stare lowered gently onto me, his hand lowering from his neck. "You were really…. willing to sacrifice your life for all theirs?" I looked him straight in the eye. My expression solidified. "Yes." He didn't say anything more after that until the barn flap opened once again. We both glanced to see Mando coming in, seemingly not surprised to find Carl already there. The two men locked eyes.
"Find anything?" "No. I think I'll stay out a little longer just in case," Mando declared. Carl's head gave a single nod and Mando's helmet turned to me. "How are you doing?" He inquired. "Ok," I laid down, pulling the blanket back over me. "Good. Get some sleep; I won't be gone long," he told me. Then the Mandalorian addressed Carl again. "Will you stay with her? I'm going to check the outskirts." "Sure," was his reply. Apparently satisfied with that, Mando took off again, leaving us there by ourselves. Carl's feet spun back my way and he looked at me. He ogled me and I ogled him, not really sure what else to say or do.
A bit to my surprise, Carl came over to sit beside my haybale. Without a word he leaned up against it, with his front side facing the flap. It took some time for him to say anything again. "You…. I've never met anyone like you before." "Really?" I blinked startled. "You're so willing to do whatever it takes… to save someone else. That's rare; really rare in this galaxy." "I didn't know that," my head turned so I could stare up at the ceiling; it was also made of hay. I could feel Carl's eyes on me; a small, tender smile grow across his lips. "No, I guess you wouldn't…."
"But…." I paused hesitantly for a second. My lips pursed together. "But I was still really, really scared…. I honestly thought I was going to die today." Carl waited to reply, though I knew he was digesting my words. He clearly didn't like them. "There's nothing wrong with being afraid," I think that's all he could think of to say just then. "I'm still afraid…." I admitted in a low voice. Carl was silent for a minute. Then, to my shock I felt a hand touch my leg from overtop the blanket. I looked to see Carl reaching up behind him, gently patting my knee. His face was soft and soulful in that instant…..
"Yeah, I know you're afraid. But you don't have to be. Mando and I are here." "C-Carl!" My voice squeaked. I was comforted, shy, and embarrassed all at the same time. But he just continued, pressing his hand up against the blanket. "Nothing's gonna happen….. not while I'm here. You can sleep easy tonight, Saoirse." Carl…. My lips parted a sliver. "And what about after I go to sleep? What then?" Carl's head turned in such a way so he could see me. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay like this until you fall asleep; Mando should be back by then. We'll be here all night, if that's what makes you feel safer." "Carl," my vision softened upon him. He stared back at me with equal intensity. "You're one of the few people worth protecting in this universe- you proved that today. So don't hesitate to rely on us when you're scared." Yes, I remember him telling me this. And something else like it later on…..
"But you're not going to lose me, regardless of who you choose. If you ever need any help, all you need to do is call…. I'll come."
Mando…. Carl… I lifted my head which had been buried in my huddled kneecaps for I don't know how long. I wish you could come get me now. I can't tell you how much I want to see you again….. How much better that would make things for me.
I'd been sitting with my legged tucked into my chest in this cave I'd found. It'd been some time since I saw Luke, which is how I wanted to keep it. I wanted to be alone for a while; I just wanted to let my mind sink for a bit. No matter how much I tried to warm myself up, I always felt cold. Cold and miserable…. I wanted to cry but couldn't, for some reason. So I just sat there, concealed in the walls of the not-so-big cave. That's how Luke found me anyway sometime later. He came in through the entrance and saw me with my back turned towards the light- both physically and metaphorically.
"Saoirse?" Luke tone was anxious and inviting. "Leave me alone," I lifted my head up slightly. Of course he didn't, coming to sit down next to me. I glared in his direction from the corner of my eye. But I'll admit, I was surprised when he didn't automatically start speaking. We instead sat there in total silence for who knows how long. I think- though I can't be sure- that he just wanted to be near me…. for whatever reason. Seeing as he wasn't going to leave though, I sighed deeply and spun my head to face forward into the plunging darkness.
"I just don't know what the point of all it was. Why did the Force show me all that history…. and then send my spirit right to you…. a Skywalker." "Your trust has been shaken in the Force," this was a half-question, half-statement. I looked at him, never really thinking about it like that. He must have read this on my face; his own growing soft.
"The Force isn't trying to confuse or upset you, Saoirse. But you needed to see life as it is." "I have seen life- lots of life- before," I countered. He shook his head. "But not enough. The great masters sheltered you from this for as long as they could, but now it is time you face reality." "I don't….. I don't understand. What reality?" My tone was a tad shaky. The edges of his old eyes grew tender.
"You dwell in the comfort of the light side of the Force; now you must accept its dark side. You do not have to go over to the dark side, but you must recognize it's there. Only then will you be able to move on in peace."
I watched Luke's face for a long, long time. I don't know when tears started to form in my eyes. This man…. This man who's related to someone I detest…. He's Anakin's son….
And he obviously cares so much for me.
Right then was when, for the first time since I witnessed the massacre, I cried. Tears began streaming down my cheeks uncontrollably. What's more, Luke didn't seem the least bit put off or taken aback by this. His hand merely rose to rest on my back; or where my back would be if he could touch it. I know he was actually touching me due to the fact he couldn't, but he ran his hand in a circular motion, trying to console me. For my part I gawked at him and continued to cry. Spit flung out of my mouth when I opened it next. "I'm so sad," I breathed. His eyes lowered so kindly onto me. "I know you are… I know."
That's when I broke down into a crying fit, bawling my eyes out. I released all the pent-up sadness and anger I'd been carrying around for days. I didn't know it was possible for a human to weep so much by the time I was done.
