Good... good... Let your hatred of Lila flow through you!
PROLOGUE
TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LOGICAL STEP!
{And... during the super special mission to the moon… the frog saves the squirrels life…?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 32: LILA WARS III: Revengeance
By: I Write Big
There is such a thing as a breaking point.
Everyone's got one and where it is varies from person to person. Some people snap with an offhand comment about their hair, others can weather a hurricane of insults without a care. Considering the year Marinette Dupain-Cheng had been through and the fact she hadn't killed anyone yet (cue montage of her many attempted/failed murders), it would be accurate to say she had the patience of a saint.
But her patience was running out.
"Why hasn't Adrien broken up with Kagami yet?!" Marinette ranted to Alya as they entered their classroom. "I've made sure she never returns his texts, is always too busy to go out, constantly insinuates she's part of the yakuza! Why isn't this working?!"
A few desks away, Adrien fawned over two pictures, one of Ladybug and one of Kagami. "I've loved you from afar with a mask, Bugaboo," he whispered dreamily. "I can love you from afar without one."
"So what are you going to do?" Alya eagerly streamed Marinette's steaming scowl to her Poor Life Choices blog.
"I need to be more direct."
Alya gasped. "You're gonna tell Adrien how you really feel?"
"No! Obviously I need to trick Kagami into telling Adrien he has a small dick. That oughta fix things."
"Attention, class!" Miss Bustier slammed the only door shut, locked it, and dropped the key into her ample cleavage. "It's come to my attention that we have a cheater in our midst."
A heaviness filled the air. Suspicious eyes glanced around.
"Now we can do this the easy way or the fun way." Miss Bustier pulled a whip from her desk and gave it a CRACK! "I vote fun."
Nobody moved. Miss Bustier sexily grinned.
"Fun it is!" CRACK! The deafening snap of the whip made every student dive for the back of the room. Miss Bustier kept on whipping her way up the aisle until she had the students pressed against the wall.
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Lila screamed. "You know who the cheater is, Miss Bustier!"
The teacher laughed lightly and grabbed Marinette's abandoned backpack. "I know you're still new here, Lila. You'll learn I have my methods." From the bag, she pulled out an official-looking paper. "Ooh, naughty, naughty," Miss Bustier growled playfully. "Looks like the anonymous letter that said Marinette stole the test answers was correct."
"I DID WHAT?!" Marinette roared.
The entire class gasped!
"Marinette?!" Adrien gawped.
"Dupain-Cheng?!" Chloe gawked in disbelief.
"She'd never!" Alya jumped from her hiding spot and protested. "Marinette must've been set up!" The rest of the class agreed. They rose up in defense of—
"No she wasn't," Lila lied.
"Yes, Lila," the class droned. "Marinette is a cheater who can't be trusted. All hail Lila. Praise be to Lila."
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Marinette grabbed the hypnotized Alya. "We studied for the test together! You know I'm innocent! Say it!"
"Does Lila say you're innocent?" Alya droned back.
And it was here that the last drops of Marinette's patience evaporated. All that was left behind was a barren desert of the purest hatred. Marinette glared hellfire at Lila who slyly grinned back.
Marinette marched toward her. "You mothefucking…"
"Marinette? A cheater?" Lila swooned. "Say it isn't so! That's so unlike her! Although, now that I think about it, I did overhear her brag about stealing the answers while I was donating blood to the anemic."
Marinette picked up a chair. "...Cocksucking..."
"Oh my," Miss Bustier moaned sexily. "You heard her say that?"
Marinette picked up a second chair. "...lying..."
"I thought it was nothing, but she did say, 'Haha! Now I'll definitely pass that test because I, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, the ugliest girl in the school, stole the answers.' Or something like that."
Marinette raised the chairs over her head. "...sociopathic (BITCH!")
Miss Bustier thought it over. "Well, if no one else believes Marinette is innocent, then—"
"She's innocent!"
The chairs slipped from Marinette's hold. Every head turned to… Adrien. The boy stood tall, the only classmate who didn't look like a puppet.
"You all know Marinette," he said. "She doesn't cheat. You know she works hard and never takes shortcuts. Marinette is the most dedicated student here, she's our class president, she puts our problems above her own. She doesn't quit and neither does her body. That ass defines the word bangable. Admit it! We'd all do her in a heartbeat!"
Ten passion-filled minutes later:
"I trust her," Adrien concluded. "Marinette is amazing, smart, cute, strong, and anyone would be lucky to date her. And she's one of my closest friends."
"GAAAAAH!" Marinette grabbed at her sudden heart attack.
Throughout the speech their classmates regained focus. They no longer stared into the distance in a zombie-like trance. They nodded along with his words and—
"She's guilty," Lila lied.
"LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" the class chanted.
CRACK!
Everyone shut their mouths at the sound of the whip. Miss Bustier wound the leather in her arms. "It's officially out of my hands," the teacher said. "Since Adrien makes a good case and Marinette clearly thinks Lila framed her, I have no choice but to send you both to the principal's office to sort this out." She licked the whip. "Play nice, you two."
Later, in the hall:
The pair of hated enemies wandered down the hall, glaring at each other.
"Don't think you've escaped, Marinette," Lila snarled.
"Lila, you need to stop." Marinette could feel The Beast ramming the gates. She took a moment to control her breathing and squeeze Adrien's lucky charm in her pocket. "I have too much to deal with. I can't do this today."
"You foolish fool!" Lila cackled. "Little do you know, you've already walked right into my backup trap!"
Marinette stopped, took her hand off the door to Principal Damocles' office, and grit her teeth. "Lila, don't push me."
"It's true that the Librarian has cameras all over this school, but there's a flaw in the system!" Lila dramatically pointed at the stairs next to them. "This staircase is the single blindspot in the school's security. Anything can happen here and nobody would know what!"
Marinette faced her. She balled her fists. "Lila, I'm serious."
"Anything! All I have to do is lay at the bottom of the stairs and cry out in pain! Then suddenly you're the dangerous maniac who pushed me down the stairs! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH!"
Marinette let go of the lucky charm. "Why fake it?"
Lila's evil smile dropped. "...Wait, wh—"
"THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!"
Later, in Principal Damocles office:
"Miss Dupain-Cheng, you kicked your own classmate down the stairs! Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Damocles asked aghast.
"Yes," Marinette said, flanked by her mom and dad. She smirked at Lila who was in a full-body cast. "Worth it."
"She's a maniac!" Lila cried, only able to barely move her face in the plaster. "She keeps calling me a liar and saying that I'm ugly and that I've secretly hypnotized the whole school to do my bidding. But you know that's crazy, right, Principal Damocles?"
"Yes, Lila," Damocles droned like a zombie. "You are perfect in every way. Praise be to Lila. All hail Lila."
"Hey, Lila, how would you like to be kicked off the roof next?" Marinette snarled.
"See? She's crazy! Keep her away from me!" Lila wailed.
Marinette's parents couldn't keep quiet anymore. "Principal, I think this has gone far enough," Sabine said firmly.
"Kids may get into fights but our daughter would never hurt another person like this," Tom agreed.
"I don't consider Lila a person," Marinette informed.
"She also stole my grandmother's fox pendant!" Lila lied.
Immediately the Dupain-Chengs were overjoyed and filled with pride. They wrapped Marinette in their arms. "Oh, honey, we thought you'd never grow into your thieving ways," Sabine said.
"You're just like your father," Tom sniffled.
The j'accusation and immediate belief of her parents were too much. Marinette felt The Beast at the gate again. "Guys, I didn't steal anything!"
"Theft is a serious crime! Marinette, you're expelled!" Damocles declared.
Everyone stared at him.
"Uh, don't you want to check her locker first and catch her red-handed?" Lila asked.
"If you say I should, then it shall be done, Lila. All hail Lila."
Downstairs:
Marinette stomped into the locker room, her eyes burning a hole in Lila's cast. Her parents were too busy gushing about their baby girl finally starting her life of crime to notice. Damocles led the way through all the girls' classmates who watched with unease.
Damocles faced the locker wall. "Now we shall see the truth!" He ripped open the locker and out tumbled a large crate labeled Hawkmoth Coup Kit. "Oops, this is Lila's locker. Sorry." He shoved the crate back in and opened the next locker.
Out tumbled… a fox pendant!
Everyone gasped.
"That's my grandmother's!" Lila lied.
"That's bullcrap!" Marinette roared.
"That's our daughter!" The Dupain-Chengs hugged her again, pushing Marinette closer to the edge.
"I don't need to see anything else, especially not the security footage, witness testimony, or a police report," Damocles said. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng, you are expelled!"
The judgment had been handed down.
Marinette's classmates were horrified she could do such a thing!
Marinette's parents were ecstatic she could do such a thing!
The Beast flared its red eyes at Lila and imagined all the things it could do to her. Then it stopped imagining those things and just ripped a locker out of the floor and prepared to crush Lila like a bug.
Meanwhile, in a hidden tower somewhere:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a man ready to finish this.
"The intern's trap has been sprung!" Hawkmoth said. "Now's the time to strike! Ready, Nathalie?"
"Yes, sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped. ("Knock knock.") After a moment, her eyes flared demonically like Marinette's and her limbs regained strength. She groggily rose from her wheelchair.
Duusu floated over her shoulder. "You know, Nat, I don't think I like this new arrangement. It feels less fun and more like you've taken back control. I don't get to do anything anymore."
"Tough," she spat.
Hawkmoth filled one of his butterflies and it shattered on Nathalie's tablet. She was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into Catalyst!
"All right! Time to pump!" Clap-clappity-clap-clap! "You up!"
With a couple encouraging spanks, Hawkmoth's silver suit became blood red. Scarlet Moth had returned. The tower echoed with their evil laughter as dozens of butterflies became red as well and fluttered out the spiral window. Across the city, they sped until they reached the school and swarmed the locker room. The butterflies shattered on the belongings of nearly everyone in the room. Those who had been akumatized before immediately transformed into Scarlet versions of their previous villainous selves.
"See?" Chloe ranted. "None of this would've happened if I was still Queen Bee!" A red butterfly shattered on her backpack. "FUCK OFF!" The red butterfly was magically flung out of her backpack. The stunned insect slowly backed away.
Many were taken… but Marinette got the worst of it. Red butterflies shattered on her purse, her hair ties, her emergency tampon! More and more added their evil magic to Marinette's fury, magnifying her strength beyond measure!
"Yes!" Lila laughed maniacally. "Finally! My plan has come to fruition! I have—" a hand stronger than steel grabbed her throat "—made a terrible mistake!"
Marinette lifted Lila off the floor as a pair of fashionably neon-red butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a red-masked man.
"Princess Justice, you have been wronged!" Scarlet Moth proclaimed.
"Yes..." Marinette hissed.
"It must be righted!"
"Yes..."
"With your powers combined with your overpowered Akuma allies, you shall find justice, expose Lila, and get me…" Scarlet Moth suddenly lost steam and sounded unsure, "Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses..." Catalyst stared bewildered at him, "which I'll use to bring Emilie… back..."
"I know exactly where they are, Scarlet Moth," Marinette bellowed with a voice more powerful than the army of hell and removed her earrings. "After I snap Lila's neck, I shall bring the Miraculouses to you."
"Snap my neck?!" Lila sputtered. "Come on! Can't you turn me into a frog or something?"
"No."
But Scarlet Moth didn't hear her. His mind was a million miles away. "You know what? Forget it." He snapped his fingers and all the people were released. Everyone was shocked and awed by their near turn to evil.
"My goodness, that was close," Damocles said between pants.
"Oh no! Marinette is still possessed!" Rose squealed.
"No, she isn't!" Lila wheezed out as she started to turn blue. "She's just strangling me! Help!"
In the tower, Scarlet Moth and Catalyst de-transformed. Before Nathalie, Duusu, or Nooroo could ask what the fuck, Gabriel got on the mini-elevator and rode away.
Later, at the Dupain-Cheng bakery:
"I can be akumatized?!" Marinette screamed.
"Yeah. Who said you couldn't?" Tikki said, not the least bit worried. "What's the big deal? You wanted to kick Lila's ass, doing it as an Akuma means you'll kick it harder and traumatize her."
"But I won't remember any moment of it! What's the point?!" Marinette snarled and ripped her pillow apart. "I need to prove my innocence and expose Lila once and for all." She grinned an evil grin. "And I know just the person to help."
Later:
Alya chugged another black coffee and loosened her tie. "Okay, I've spent about twenty minutes on a hardboiled detective blog so I definitely got this." She tossed her coffee mug and waved her arms at the walls of headshots, blueprints, computer data, and court case files, all connected with a football field's worth of red yarn. "You've been j'accused of cheating, assault, and petty theft. The crème brûlée of juvenile crime!"
"All three of which Lila j'accused me of doing," Marinette pointed out on the other end of the video call. "So, either I'm lying or..."
Alya gasped. "Someone's trying to frame our flawless and elegant Lord Lila?!"
Marinette's eye twitched. "Or Lila is lying."
"Haha! Don't be ridiculous, Marinette. Lila, she who is the world's only saving grace and should be worshipped like royalty, doesn't lie." Alya chugged an entire coffee pot and scoured the trails of red yarn. "Someone is trying to pin this on Lila. I just know it."
"Lila is trying to pin this on me!"
"Hey, innocent until proven guilty."
"I was expelled on the spot without a trial!"
"Because you're not Lila." Alya messed up her hair a little and donned a trenchcoat to complete the haggard detective/alcoholic look. She pulled from her pocket a magnifying glass bigger than her head. "Don't worry, Marinette, I'm on the case. I won't rest until I've proven Lila's innocence."
The call ended and Marinette stared off into the distance. "I'm doomed," she said.
"Honey," Sabine called. "Can you come downstairs for a second?"
Downstairs:
Tom and Sabine were waiting for her with what looked like a pink apron.
"Sweetie, we love you but this whole thing has become very complicated," Sabine started.
"Which is why it's perfect for your origin story!" Tom excitedly unfurled the pink apron and Marinette saw it was actually part of a super-suit that looked like it belonged to the punk rock cousin of Strawberry Shortcake.
"What?" Marinette said.
"Do you like it?" Sabine gushed. "We designed it ourselves. We think you could call yourself The Baker Girl or The Flour Woman or The Pastry Maker!"
"I personally love The Pastry Maker," Tom whispered.
"What?" Marinette repeated.
"Now that you've been shunned from society and labeled a deviant, it's the ideal time to start your life as a villain," Sabine explained and gave her the costume. "Try it on."
"My baby girl is growing up," Tom sobbed and took hundreds of pictures.
Marinette held the outfit, considered her options, and groaned. "Well, at least you can't see my ass."
Back at the Agreste Mansion:
Gabriel sweated at the oil portrait of Emilie over the fireplace, looking very much like a guilty piece of shit.
"Um, I, uh, ahem, Emi-poo, it has come to my attention, from your sister, and my son, and that email you left us that you maybe might have possibly probably not wanted this."
Emilie continued to be a painting.
"Yes, this is news to me, Emi-poo. How was I supposed to know you specifically never wanted me to preserve you in a comatose near-death state while I terrorized Paris in search of a way to revive you?"
Emilie continued to be a painting.
"Well, obviously I wasn't listening. I was very busy that day buying you that glass coffin."
"Sir," Nathalie's tablet beeped. She wheeled in slowly. "What happened out there?"
The man wiped his face and said with strong resolve, "She didn't want this, Nathalie. Emilie never wanted any of this."
Nathalie's eyes widened. Nearby, Duusu squirmed with delight. "It's happening! It's happening!"
"What? What's happening?" Nooroo asked.
"Shh!"
Gabriel took a deep shaky breath. "As painful as it may be, I need to accept that I can't fix this. I need to let Emilie go."
Bittersweetness filled the room but also relief. It was like the world had been waiting so long for him to say those words. Things would finally change. It wouldn't be easy. He'd hurt for a while. But when he came out on the other side, he would be a better person...
"Sir," Nathalie typed shyly. "What about me? I don't exactly enjoy being in a wheelchair as I slowly die or using dark magic to animate my body."
Gabriel kneeled so they were the same height and took her hand. "We don't need Ladybug and Chat Noir to free you. Just a kiss."
Now Nooroo's eyes widened. "No way."
Duusu shushed it again and got its camera ready.
"Kiss?" Nathalie wanted to type but her hands were cradled by Gabriel's. She gazed deeply into the light blue pools of the man she loved and he gazed right back.
He leaned forward.
His eyes closed.
His lips puckered.
Nathalie reversed out of range and Gabriel fell flat on his mouth.
Everybody stared at everybody.
"Oh fuck, I misread the signals. Plan B it is," Gabriel muttered and quickly texted someone. He then sprang to his feet put on the most forced grin. "Which is why I set you up on a blind date!" he proudly said. He opened the door and let in a bespectacled short man.
"I'm Jalil Kubdel! Salam aleikum! That means hello in Egyptian."
Nathalie looked at the floor with guilt.
"I brought wine!"
"Yes, that whole online dating plan wasn't working out, and it's not like you and me could ever be a thing. Hahaah!" Gabriel said, leading Jalil to her. "So, as a good friend, I took it upon myself to find you the perfect man."
"I also brought my favorite mummy." Jalil plopped a sarcophagus next to them. "I call her Cassandra."
Nathalie kept looking at the floor.
"Well, I'm off to the cloning machine to print me a new Emilie, since there's obviously nothing going on between you and me, Nathalie. Nope, just good friends/co-workers. I'll leave you two alone to get to know one another." Gabriel maintained his forced grin and stiffly marched out of the room. Up in the rafters, Duusu snapped its camera in half.
"I'm guessing that wasn't supposed to happen?" Nooroo asked.
"My ship!" Duusu roared.
Meanwhile, in the heart of darkness:
The streets of Paris run with bile and scum. Akumas on every corner. Crime every night. City of Love? Ha! Try City of Sin. You can't trust nobody out here farther than you can throw them, least of all me.
"Alya, are you smoking?"
"Shush, I'm having a noir-esque inner-monologue."
That was Nino. We had a fling a while back. Back when I was into crossdressing and hadn't had my first dame yet. He's a good kid, great lay if you're really lonely, but he prefers to wear pants. Not my shot of whiskey if you know what I mean. I wasn't here to rekindle old flames though. I was on a case. A case that would drag me to the darkest cesspools Paris had to offer. Good thing I brought my crocs.
"Uh, kid, you can't smoke in here."
I puffed a cloud at the janitor. Fred Haprele, resident school loser. Lanky, tall, thin like stretched taffy. Not even the students respected him. Just another stooge.
"Detective Cesaire." I flashed him my internet-certified PI license on my smartphone. "I'm here to gather fingerprints from the crime scene."
"Fingerprints?" Fred blinked widely at me like an owl. Funny. For a second there he looked like he was thinking. "But Lila said we didn't need to gather fingerprints and I should scrub the entire locker room until it was spotless and erase all the security tapes."
I nearly dropped my smoke. Orders from on high. Couldn't blame the poor sap for following orders. Behind him, Marinette's locker sparkled and I smelled fresh lemon. I was too late. Or was I? If Lila had ordered this, then she must've had a good reason. I should ask her.
"Thanks for the tip, Stretch. Keep yer nose clean." I tossed him a fiver for his troubles and wound my way through the rat-infested alleys of Francoise-Dupont High. Along the way, a lady of the night who went by Bustier blew me a kiss and I shuddered. She had a reputation for being as gentle in bed as a rhino with a pineapple shoved up its ass. A block past her station I spotted a flock of kids crowding something. I think I knew what.
"Hi, Alya, it's so sad to hear about Mar—Are you smoking?"
"Lila Rossi. Just the dame I wanted to see." I grabbed one of the many markers and added my signature to her cast. "Ya healing up nicely?"
"Uh, yeah, why are you dressed like Dick Tracy and why are you talking like a New York gangster?"
"Can it, toots. I need answers and I need 'em fast." I flashed my badge at the rest of the schmucks. "Beat it." They scattered like roaches. I fixed Lila with a stare and said, "Spill the beans, doll. Word on the street is ya ordered the crime scene wiped down."
"What? I didn't do that."
"That's not what the cleaning crew says."
"Alya, I swear, I did not tell the janitor to wipe away any incriminating evidence nor did I frame Marinette for stealing my grandfather's pendant."
"I thought it was your grandmother's."
For the first time since I met her, Lila shut her trap. Something stank here, it stank to Big Red X. I didn't like what my gut was telling me. It was telling me Lila knew more than she was letting on. Did she know the perp? Was she covering for somebody? Was the mime mafia involved? Whatever this broad's angle was I wasn't gonna leave her side until I got to the bottom of this.
Later:
"You banged her?" Marinette said flatly.
"It was for the sake of the investigation," Detective Alya insisted, not hiding the many lipstick stains on her neck from the camera.
"You banged her?"
"It's PI procedure. 'Chapter 15: Sleep With The Witness' cannot be skipped."
"You banged Lila fucking Rossi?" Marinette smashed her head against a wall. "She's in a full-body cast! How?!"
"Very carefully."
"GAAAH!" Marinette ended the call and kept pounding her head against the wall.
"Pastry Maker, quit dawdling. We have jewels to steal!" The Baker laughed triumphantly as he emptied another display case of gold necklaces into the money sack.
"Cameras sabotaged," The Candlestick Maker announced as she cartwheeled out of the back office. "You see, sweetie, you always have to cover the security."
"Come over here, honey, steal this man's wallet." The Pastry Maker heaved a weary sigh and dragged herself over to the store clerk trembling on his knees. "Now, go easy on her, fella. This is my baby's first stickup." The Baker chuckled and then immediately growled into the man's face, "And you'd better make it special."
The clerk immediately offered his wallet to The Pastry Maker.
Looking as dead to the world as Juleka, she took the prize with zero effort. The Baker and The Candlestick Maker immediately bearhugged her.
"Well done, sweetie!"
"We knew you could do it! You're a natural!"
"Now it's time for my favorite lesson. How to rob a train! Culinary Titans, away!"
The Baker and The Candlestick Maker sped off.
The Pastry Maker returned the wallet and sullenly followed.
Meanwhile, back at the Agreste Mansion:
"And that's why step pyramids are far superior to bent pyramids, but nothing compares to the great pyramids unless you're really into the red pyramids like Cassandra here. She loves an underdog."
Nathalie let Jalil prattle on and on and on, not listening to a single word. She was doing her best to look dead, which, unfortunately for her, was a real turn-on for Jalil.
BONK!
Jalil stiffened and faceplanted into his plate of lasagna. Cassandra huffed over him with the wine bottle. Duusu popped out of the mummy that then collapsed to the floor. "The fuck was that?!" Duusu roared. There wasn't an ounce of its usual humor.
"It's never going to happen, Duusu," Nathalie typed and sadly wheeled for the exit.
The kwami flew in front of her. "Never gonna happen? He was all over you! That was a picture-perfect Disney Original Movie kiss moment and you pulled back! I worked so hard to get you two together and you're making my ship sink! Team GabeNath for life! Why, Nat? WHY?!"
"Just let it go." Nathalie pushed past Duusu, only for it to collapse the ceiling in front of her.
"I don't know what bullcrap excuse you're using but that's all it is! Bull! Crap!" Duusu growled. "What happened to you, Nat? What happened to the human who talked back to me? The human who was brave enough to curse her life for the man she loves? The human who was stupid enough to put on a dumb pink bow because I said it looked cute?"
Nathalie didn't respond.
"I'll tell you what happened to her. Nothing. Nothing happened to her. She's still here. Fighting me every day. And the Nat I know would never let anything get in the way of who she wanted."
There was a pause. Then Nathalie clenched her fists. ("Knock knock.")
Her eyes flared red and she rose from her wheelchair. With fierce determination, she strutted out of the room!
"Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, girl!" Duusu whooped. "Get you some—Hey where are you going?"
With fierce determination, Nathalie strutted out of the mansion's front door.
"Come back! Gabe is upstairs! Just go up there and kiss him! My ship! This isn't funny! AAAH!" Duusu flew after her.
Later:
With fierce determination, Nathalie rode the bus.
Later:
With fierce determination, Nathalie bought a string of sausages from a butcher.
Later, at a park:
With fierce determination, Nathalie bought an Eiffel Tower keychain from a street vendor.
Later:
With fierce determination, Nathalie climbed down into the sewers.
"Toll?" the undead border patrol agent moaned. Nathalie gave them the sausages which they accepted graciously.
"Why are we here?" Duusu asked.
"I'm going to craft the most powerful Sentimonster that ever existed, take Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculouses, and give them to Gabriel," Nathalie declared.
"How romantic!" Duusu mocked. "He doesn't want the Miraculous anymore, Nat. Is this some kind of sick joke? Because I'm not laughing! Oh wait, yes I am, HAHAHAHAH! But I'm still pissed!"
Nathalie's eyes sizzled and burned red. "I'm done taking orders from you. I'm doing this my way."
"Hello! Nice to meet you, I'm Duusu, literally the concept of Emotion made incarnate. That includes Love! Getting the Miraculouses won't win over Gabe. What you're doing is crazy and that's coming from me." To illustrate its point, Duusu gutted a passing undead and played skip-rope with its intestines. "See this? What I'm doing right now makes more sense than you, Nat. Gabe is ready to move on. Why aren't you? You act like it's your fault Emy went into a coma."
Nathalie's face instantly flushed with guilt.
Duusu dropped the intestines. "Wait, did you?" It gaped. "No way… No way!"
"Duusu, spread my feathers!" Nathalie shrieked and transformed in a burst of blue into Mayura!
The villain grinned madly at the Eiffel Tower keychain and infected it with one of her feathers. A blob of liquid darkness appeared before her and she began to shape it like clay.
("I'm still here, Nat! The plot thickens! I love it!") Mayura said with a smile before her face snapped to serious, "Shut up! I didn't say anything. (All while you're crushing on her hubby! No wonder you feel guilty!) You don't know what you're talking about! Shut up!" She pulled and tugged at the darkness, infusing it with more power than any of her previous Amuks. The drain wore on her and she could feel the strain but she pushed on. At last, the darkness took shape and solidified into a human. A human girl in polka-dotted spandex.
It was Ladybug.
The exhaustion was too much. Mayura dropped to a knee but stopped from collapsing. ("Oh! Are you only feeling guilty now because you now know what it's like to be in a coma? Dark. Lover's Guilt and Survivor's Guilt smushed together. The best part is I'm the one who put Emy in that coma.) Shut up! (But you humans have such a twisted sense of responsibility. You blame yourselves for the stupidest things! HahaHAHAHAH—)"
"Hello, new friend!"
Mayura suddenly realized that her fake Ladybug was hugging her.
"Isn't it a glorious day to be alive? Ooh, what's this?" The Sentimonster twirled and watched with shiny curious eyes as the slime dripped down the sewer walls. "Wowie-wow-wow! This wet stuff is so cool! It's so slick and slimy! I think I'll call it... marshmallows!"
"I think I forgot to add the evil," Mayura said, then she snickered, ("This oughta be fun.")
Meanwhile, back at school:
Adrien watched Detective Alya examine a suspicious shoeprint with her massive magnifying glass, unaware she herself had made that shoeprint five minutes ago. On the other side of the school, being bowed to by students and faculty, was Lila, the true culprit.
"Marinette is innocent," he muttered. "I know it."
"Mmm'kay, but what are you going to do about it?" Plagg asked.
"It's just like Father taught me." Adrien tapped something on his phone and said ominously, "The law doesn't apply to the rich."
Before Plagg could ask what that meant, an Akuma alert buzzed on the phone. Adrien gave Lila one last dead stare before running off to transform. Chat Noir sped across the city and arrived at the Arc de Triomphe. He spied his Lady already atop the monument, grappling with the dreaded Mayura!
"M'Lady! I'm here to—"
Ladybug was all at once on him, tugging his cat ears with childlike wonder. "What's this? What's this? There's something in your hair!" She grabbed his arms. "What's this? What's this? You're covered in this rough black stuff! What's this? What's this? There's something down here!" She grabbed his balls and squeezed. Chat Noir doubled over with a high-pitched squeak. "Wowie-wow-wow! What's this? What's this? What's he doing?"
"It's called pain, my Sentimonster," Mayura whispered. ("Pretend to be in it.")
"That sounds like fun! AAAAAH!" Ladybug keeled over and gripped her crotch in agony.
"LB!" Chat Noir forgot about his own injury and held the girl. Mayura smirked and hid.
Meanwhile:
"And that's how you stop a train," The Candlestick Maker concluded the lesson, gesturing at the engine car encased in melted candle wax. Max's mom yelled at them from within but they couldn't hear her.
"Impressive as always, snookums." The Baker gave her a kiss and handed The Pastry Maker a money sack. "Now, it's your turn, honey. Get in there and command the room. You got this."
The Pastry Maker sighed heavily. She trudged into the next car where all the passengers and conductors already had their hands in the air. "All money and valuables in the bag, or whatever," she grumbled.
"Oh my Big Red X! Ladybug and Chat Noir are fighting a peacock villain across town!" a passenger cried. He only then looked up and saw the situation. "Whoa, wait, are we being robbed?"
The Pastry Maker stormed over to the man and took his phone. On the screen was the live news broadcast showing Chat Noir on the monument with Ladybug!
"Another Ladybug?" she gasped. "I'm free. I'm free!" Then she saw Chat Noir pull the new Ladybug close and caress her face. "Wait, what is he doing? No! NonononoNONONONONO!" The Pastry Maker dropped the money sack and dashed off the train.
The rest of the passengers wondered if this meant they could go home.
At the Arc de Triomphe:
"What's wrong, Bugaboo? Where does it hurt?" Chat Noir begged, feeling helpless as Ladybug wailed in his arms.
"Everything! It all hurts! Pain! Agony! Despair! This is fun. PAAAIN!"
"Tone it down, Ladybug," Mayura instructed from her hiding spot. ("And turn on the charm. Hehehe.) Wait, what?"
"What's charm?" Ladybug asked happily.
"What are you doing?" Mayura demanded of herself. ("We've got to make it convincing, Nat. Think of it as practice. Hehehehehehe! The Sentimonster needs your help. Tell her what to say. Just imagine he's Gabe.") Mayura flushed purple for a moment, but she managed to recover. She opened her mouth and spilled her heart.
Meanwhile, in the cloning room:
Gabriel kicked the cloning machine. The massive truck-sized device blasted steam and rattled. With a wet gloop, it belched out a bird that was nearly as big as him.
"Honk!" the bird said.
"No, not an emu, I said Emilie!" Gabriel ranted.
On a little screen, a message flashed Out of Toner.
"What do you mean 'toner?'" he roared. "What part of the human body needs toner?!"
Fuu then walked by with his phone. "Hey, gweilo, you see this?"
On the screen was the live news broadcast of the fight. Ladybug cradled in Chat Noir's arms filled the screen. The headline at the bottom read LadyNoir Confirmed!
"I've always gone out of my way to hide my true feelings from you," the heroine said passionately. "But I just can't do it anymore, Gabriel."
"Gabriel?" Chat Noir said.
Gabriel? the headline said.
"Gabriel?" Gabriel said.
"The way you keep fighting no matter how many times you fail. You always pick yourself back up and keep trying. I found it annoying at first, but now you inspire me. Even now, you use that determination to try to save me. These feelings that I never thought I'd have for anybody are growing stronger every day." Ladybug took Chat Noir's hand and placed it over her heart, which also happened to be where her boob was but the boy wasn't complaining. "I'm sorry about what happened to Emilie and I know my feelings are wrong but… I love you, Gabriel."
"Uh, M'Lady, my name is not—"
Ladybug pulled Chat Noir into a kiss!
The headline started repeatedly flashing It's Happening!
"Wow," said Fuu in awe.
"I know," Gabriel agreed. "Who knew Chat Noir's real name was Gabriel? What a coincidence!"
Back in the fight:
Mayura made out with the air as lovingly as Ladybug made out with Chat Noir behind her. In the woman's mind, this was the most perfect moment of her life.
"NOOOOO!"
A polka-dotted meteorite struck the Arc de Triomphe, obliterating half of the landmark. When the marble dust cleared, another Ladybug stood in the center of the crater. She didn't look happy. She wasn't even the opposite of happy. She was happiness' dark doppelganger from an ultra evil timeline.
"You MAN-STEALING (WHORE!")
"Wowie-wow-wow! Cool! What's that?" Ladybug excitedly asked. "It's so big and scary! I think I'll call it… a puppy!"
Chat Noir gasped at the fangs, the claws, the demonic red and blue eyes! "It's one of Mayura's Sentimonsters!"
"Hey! That's what I am!" Ladybug giggled.
The Beast lunged claws-first at the giddy Ladybug! Its sharp talons would've torn her to shreds if Chat Noir hadn't pulled her to safety. He slung Ladybug on his back and twirled his staff. "Stay close, LB. You're too injured to fight."
"Wheee! This is fun!" Ladybug cheered.
("I'LL SHOW YOU FUN!")
Again and The Beast attacked, its strike aimed for Ladybug but Chat Noir managed to dodge it. The errant swipe hit more of the Arc. In the new hole, everyone saw Mayura, tongue-wrestling someone who wasn't there.
She suddenly realized she was being watched and stopped.
"Hi, boss!" Ladybug waved.
"Boss?" Chat Noir blinked and stared at the Ladybug on his back. "Wait, you're the bad guy?"
"Y'up! Isn't that cool?" she said with the purest of whimsy.
("Oopsie-doopsie,") Mayura giggled, then she growled and held up the Eiffel Tower keychain. "Sentimonster, to me!"
"Okey-dokey!" Ladybug hopped off Chat Noir's back and skipped over to her. "Wowie-wow-wow! Did you see what I did with my legs? That was so neat! I think I'll call it… breakdancing!"
"If she's the Sentimonster, then that means..." Chat Noir turned to The Beast. Unafraid of its frothing maw and monstrous howls, he cupped its cheeks and peered deeply into its eyes. "LB? Were you trying to save me?" he asked sweetly. In a moment of rare self-awareness, The Beast blushed in embarrassment and retreated, leaving Ladybug to deal with reality.
"I don't—I, uh—she—we—" she eloquently put.
("D'awww, I just love these adorable stammering parts,") Mayura cooed, then scowled. "Now's your chance, Sentimonster, get them!"
"Yay! Senti-Charm!" Ladybug tossed her yo-yo in the air and down came a polka-dotted rocket launcher. "Wowie-wow-wow! Look at this thing! It's so cool! I think I'll call you… a book! What's this trigger-looking thingie do?"
BLAM!
A polka-dotted missile fired out of the weapon and exploded a nearby building.
"Wowie-wow-wow! Books make pretty lights and sounds? I love them! Hey, Chat Noir, check out my new book!" She pointed the rocket launcher at the heroes and pulled the trigger over and over. Ladybug and Chat Noir ducked and dove out of harm's way as rocket after rocket blasted apart Paris!
"Lucky Charm!" Ladybug tossed her yo-yo into the air and down came a polka-dotted fork!
("Haahahahaha!") Mayura guffawed. ("Really? A fork? Is that the best you can—")
The fork impaled itself, prongs-first, into Mayura's forehead.
"Ow," she whispered painfully.
With a swift kick, Ladybug made Mayura drop the Eiffel Tower keychain and took it for herself. "Stop!" she ordered the Sentimonster.
"You got it, New Boss!" The fake Ladybug happily dropped the weapon and waited for further orders.
"This'll teach you not to kiss boys who aren't yours." The real Ladybug gripped the keychain and snapped it in ha—
"M'Lady! Hold on! Stop!" Chat Noir grabbed her arm. "Look at her. She's not evil. She's not a monster. She's… innocent."
Ladybug blinked. "Innocent?"
"Wowie-wow-wow! What's this?" the fake Ladybug asked, pointing at a passing bird. "What's this?" She pointed at a flying kite. "Still don't know what's down here." She slapped Chat Noir's balls.
Once again Chat Noir doubled over in pain but he kept pleading. "Mayura was the one making her do evil things. She won't hurt anybody anymore. Please, she's another you. A hero."
"Another… me?" Ladybug's eyes widened and she took a second look at the fake Ladybug. It was true. This Sentimonster looked exactly like her, had her powers, and was for all intents and purposes Ladybug. "Another me!" she repeated.
"Yes!" Chat Noir said, eyes glistening.
"She could be Ladybug instead of me!"
Chat Noir stopped smiling. "Huh?"
Ladybug dashed over and wrapped an arm around the fake's shoulder. "Hey there, buddy, you ready for a new life experience?"
"Oh boy, am I!" fake Ladybug cheered. Ladybug gave her the keychain and the fake gasped. "Wowie-wow-wow! What's this? There's no longer this vice grip over my mind constantly telling me to obey. I feel so free and willful! I think I'll call this… slavery!"
"It's called free will."
"Even better!" The fake looked out over Paris as if seeing the city and all its gorgeous splendor for the first time. "I feel like I can go anywhere, do anything!"
"You can," Ladybug assured. "And you can protect all of this amazing world by becoming the new full-time Ladybug."
"Wowie-wow-wow!" the fake gasped in excitement. "Fuck that."
Ladybug's smile didn't budge. "Say again?"
"Fuck that. I have free will now. I'm not choosing this horrible life. I wanna become a baker."
Before anyone could stop her, the fake Ladybug swallowed her keychain whole and swung away. Ladybug watched her go, her frozen smile starting to twitch. Slowly, ever so slowly, she turned around and glared at Mayura.
The villain had finally recovered and pulled the fork from her head. "Ugh, what did I miss?" She looked up and saw Ladybug towering over her with a tractor-sized marble boulder over her head. ("A lot apparently. HAHAHA!")
Ladybug bellowed mightily and dropped the massive—
"No!"
A new challenger appeared! Ladybug and Chat Noir were stunned to see the actual Hawkmoth! The great supervillain of Paris shielded Mayura from Ladybug, his majestic cane raised like a sword.
"You will not touch her, Ladyb—"
SMASH!
Hawkmoth's arms and legs flailed from under the marble boulder. Ladybug lifted the boulder and brought it down again.
SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!
"STOP!"
Ladybug turned and saw Mayura was holding Chat Noir over the Arc's edge. A drop, hundreds of feet tall, waited.
"Chat! You dumbass! How did you get caught?!" Ladybug demanded.
"I, uh, was kinda distracted by your rage," he admitted. "You're really sexy when you're angry."
"Enough of this!" Mayura shouted. "Let him go, Ladybug."
"Or else what?" she snarled.
Mayura's sneer dropped and she gestured at Chat Noir hanging over death like it was obvious.
"He's lived through worse."
"It's true," Chat Noir agreed.
Ladybug resumed crushing Hawkmoth. SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!
"STOP!" Mayura roared.
"Why should I?!" Ladybug roared back.
"Because..." Mayura looked around desperately. "Because that's not the real Hawkmoth!"
Ladybug stopped. "It's not?"
"Pfft! Of course not! That's just another one of my Sentimonsters. You really think the real Hawkmoth would be this weak and pathetic?"
Ladybug took a second look at the pancaked man, his arms and legs bent in seventeen directions total, a puddle of piss soaking his pants. Was this wimp actually the scourge of Paris? Was this the man who ruined her life?
"Yes," Ladybug said. SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!SMASH!
"Dammit, stop!" Mayura demanded but Ladybug wasn't listening anymore. She wouldn't stop for anything except death. What could Mayura do? How could she save him? She thought frantically of all the Miraculous-Akuma battles throughout the year, all of their defeats. How did Ladybug always win?
Mayura blinked.
"Oh yeah."
With every ounce of her magical might, she chucked Chat Noir at Ladybug! The cat-boy struck the bug-girl in the back and they both tumbled over the Arc's edge! Down the pair fell, tangled together! At the last second, they stopped falling mere inches above the hard unforgiving ground.
"Fuck!" Ladybug swore and stomped onto the cobblestone. She lassoed the Arc to wrench herself back to the top but, in her anger, ripped the entire thing in half by accident.
With nothing to lasso onto anymore, Ladybug could only watch as Mayura leaped away with Hawkmoth.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
Back at the Agreste Mansion:
Thanks to the magic of the Miraculous, all of Gabriel's injuries healed as soon as he de-transformed. However, the magic did nothing to hide his shame.
"I'm sorry I couldn't have been of more help," he told Nathalie.
"I'm the one who should be sorry, sir," she typed. "I failed you."
"You didn't fail, Nathalie, I know what you were trying to say." Gabriel regarded Emilie's oil painting over the fireplace with a warm smile.
Nathalie felt her heart flutter. "You do?"
"Yes." He took her hand. "And the feeling is mutual."
Nathalie's breath hitched. "It is?"
He knelt down to her and gazed into her eyes. "It's all pointless."
Nathalie paused. "What?"
"Your attempt to take the Miraculous which you obviously lost on purpose was to show me the futility of keeping this whole evil thing going. I could tell from how pathetically you pretended to be beaten that you were telling me that I can't clone another Emilie. It would trap me all over again. That's all love has done. Trap me." He sighed. "What I need to do is not worry about the love I've lost and be happy with never loving again."
Nathalie couldn't type anymore but her paralyzed face screamed WHAT?!
"Thank you, Nathalie. Thank you for telling me this. I'll always cherish our friendship."
Inspired, Gabriel Agreste marched out of the room, ready to face the world as a single man. Devastated, Nathalie sat in her wheelchair, wishing she could scream.
Duusu floated down to her. "Hehehe, ready to do it my way again, Nat?"
"No," her tablet beeped.
"Ugh, my head..." Jalil moaned nearby. "Wha happuned—"
Nathalie ran him over.
Later by the Seine:
Adrien arrived for his photoshoot, in a relatively good mood.
"Ciao, Adrien!" the overly Italian photographer Vincent greeted him with a fresh plate of spaghetti. "Are you ready to do the shoot with your new muse?"
"Muse?" Adrien pleasantly asked.
"Certo!" He waved to the nearby chair where Lila Rossi sat, full-body cast free. "Lila has told me all about how she inspires you, how she drives you, how she is more famous than you even though I've never heard of her before now. She is the new parmesan! She has to be in the shoot. Lila said so, so it must be true."
Adrien's smile didn't so much as flinch as he took his seat next to Lila.
"Can you believe it, Adrien?" Lila said. "Us working together? Me getting fame and recognition with zero effort? It's gonna be so much fun!"
Adrien said nothing. He continued to smile gently at the Seine River.
"You're probably wondering where my cast went. Well, let's just say the fall wasn't as bad as I forced the doctors to say."
Again, Adrien said nothing and watched the water. Lila started to feel… uncomfortable.
"Hehe, are you, uh, are you listening?"
Finally, Adrien opened his mouth. "I warned you not to hurt my friends."
Lila suddenly heard a rattling, clicking, computerized voice in her ear. "Lila Rossi?"
Jagged arm blades, polished to a mirror-finish, jutted out of thin air and stopped millimeters from her throat. In a warping of color, The Predator uncloaked next to her.
"Uh, no?" she said.
"It's her," Adrien confirmed.
"Sweet." The Predator wound back to slice—
"I CAN FIX THIS!" Lila screamed.
Adrien raised his hand and The Predator stopped. "Fix?" Adrien asked.
"I can lie Marinette back into school, prove her innocence!" Lila tried and failed to control her breath and her bladder.
Adrien looked at her with cold, dead eyes. "Can you?"
"I swear!"
For a long time, nothing happened. Then life returned to Adrien's face. "Okay!" He pulled Lila out of the chair and dragged her to Wardrobe. "Let's get you some dry pants, Lila."
The Predator sighed. "No spine ripping? Again?!"
Later, back Principal Damocles' office:
"So, according to this doctor's note," Lila presented a restaurant kids menu to Damocles, "I legally have this unnamed, unspecified, and unverified disease that takes away my ability to control what I say or do."
"Mmm-hmm, yes, I see," Damocles muttered to himself as he carefully traced through the maze made for nine-year-olds.
Next to him, Marinette, once again flanked by her parents, watched unimpressed. "A disease? Really?"
"That's right," Lila replied casually. "Marinette Dupain-Cheng is a slut who will sleep with anything that moves. Oops, sorry, my disease."
"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Miss Rossi," Principal Damocles said. "We'll sign you up for the special education course immediately."
Lila's sly grin dropped. "Wait, what?"
"We here at Francoise-Dupont pride ourselves in giving every child a proper education. Since, by no fault of your own, you are prone to constantly lie and frame innocent people for theft and assault—"
"F-Frame?! No! Marinette did assault me! She actually kicked me down the stairs!"
"Yes, yes, I understand, Lila. You can't control what you say because of your disease which means we can't trust the words that come out of your mouth and Marinette is 100% innocent. Your curriculum and classes shall be changed to accommodate your handicap."
"NO!" Lila jumped to her feet and slammed her hands on the desk. "That was a lie! I lied! I'm a liar! I don't have a disease! This isn't even a doctor's note!"
Damocles calmly patted her shoulders. "Yes, yes, I understand, Lila, you can't control what you say. There's no need to worry. We accept you for who you are. No need to fret, the special courses are privately tutored by Miss Bustier."
Lila went pale.
A shadow loomed over her as Miss Bustier rose behind the girl like a heavily endowed grim reaper. The teacher rested her whip on Lila's shoulder and growled playfully.
"AAAH! I lied! You have to believe me! I LIED!"
"Of course you did, Lila," Damocles nodded kindly.
"This isn't happening! This isn't happening!" Lila tore at her hair and dashed out of the office.
After a moment of silence, Damocles filed away the doctor's note and said to the Dupain-Chengs, "It goes without saying that Marinette is no longer expell—"
Marinette tackled the man in a hug. "You are the greatest principal ever," she whimpered through tears of joy. She scurried out to further enjoy Lila's mental breakdown.
Later, back at Marinette's house:
Marinette hummed to herself, enjoying a slice of cake and the news.
"And welcome back to our interview with Adrien Agreste's muse Lila Rossi," French Ryan Seacrest said to the camera. "Miss Rossi, I understand you have a rare unnamed disease that makes you lie uncontrollably."
"I don't!" Lila screeched. She was a complete mess, her hair a jungle, her eyes bloodshot, and her makeup in complete shambles. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. "You have to believe me, I don't! That was a lie!"
"Right, because of your disease," the man nodded along. "Is Lila even your real name?"
"It is!"
"It isn't? Wow, so what is your real name, nameless stranger?"
"AAAAAAAAH!"
This had been a good week. Not only was Lila no longer in her class, but everyone in school was free from the girl's control. They took every claim that came out of Lila's mouth as a sad side-effect of her disease. No one believed anything she said anymore and what could be a worse hell for a pathological manipulator like Lila? Marinette giggled to herself and replayed Lila's scream.
"AAAAAAAAH!"
Over.
"AAAAAAAAH!"
And over.
"AAAAAAAAH!"
And over again.
"AAAAAAAAH!"
This couldn't possibly get better.
Meanwhile:
"Put the money in the bag!" roared a familiar girl who wore The Pastry Maker super-suit over what looked like polka-dotted spandex. The bank teller emptied the entire vault into the sack.
"Well done, Pastry Maker," The Baker congratulated.
"You're really getting the hang of this," The Candlestick Maker cooed.
"Thanks! I love baking!"
END
I asked myself, "What's worse than killing or exposing a liar?" And this is what the demon in my soul told me.
Also, I got into a discussion with a fellow Miraculous fan who pointed out to me that just being in love with Gabriel did not explain everything Nathalie does on the show. I like the idea of Nathalie secretly having something to do with Emilie's coma and I'm gonna run with it. I sure I hope I'm as right about this as I was about Alix being a time traveler.
