Sol,
As I anticipated, it was clear from the moment I strapped myself into the mako that Nepheron wasn't going to be a routine mission. Hell, I don't know if you can call any Shepard-involved missions "routine," but this one felt different from the start.
Shepard barely spoke once we dropped. I threw some quips her way - testing her defenses - and all I received in response was a grimace and a nod. Ashley, catching on, tried gamely to keep the banter going, but it felt like Shepard was lightyears away from us. It reminded me of that cold stillness when the Feros VI had told us the Zhu's Hope colonists were unwitting subjects in ExoGeni's experiments.
Still, I wasn't overly worried until we arrived at the Cerberus base and were greeted with anti-tank missiles. And Shepard, well…
You see, the genius of the mako's design (and why it's popular with more species than just humans) is how the majority of the heat-generating systems are located in the front of the vehicle. It makes it an unbalanced beast to drive, but, since most targeting systems work on heat signatures, it means that the usual technique for dealing with missiles is to allow the nose to be targeted, then move forwards by a metre or two (ideally, into cover, but not necessarily) so that the mako's guns have a clear shot at the target while the enemy turrets continue to fire where the nose used to be. Shepard has a...let's call it…unusual method of using the jump-jets to avoid the missile instead, but she only uses it when she feels like showing off: generally speaking, she employs the same hide-and-seek technique as anyone else in the galaxy. It's a tried-and-true method: it works beautifully.
The Cerberus base on Nepheron was located in a mountainous region with lots of options for cover. But, rather than duck the mako behind an outcropping, she accelerated as soon as the base came into view.
Ashley and I exchanged a quick glance: a silent game of chicken over who was going to say something to Shepard. Ashley raised her eyebrows and intensified the meaningfulness of her meaningful stare. I sighed in defeat.
"Umm...Commander?" I ventured.
Shepard replied by pressing further on the accelerator.
We could now pick out the four individual soldiers arrayed around the facility's entrance. Two red beams flickered through the windshield into the mako's cab.
"Snipers!" Ashley warned.
Shepard did not even flinch as she veered us out of the snipers' paths. But something still hit the side of the mako - my read-out showed the shields drop by some percentage - and I realized that the other two (the non-snipers) must have been carrying anti-tank weaponry. There was another hit, another erosion of the shield. Ashley decided not to wait for Shepard's orders: she pulled up the gunner's interface on the terminal in front of her seat and began targeting one of the snipers. But the mako was moving too quickly for her to score more than a glancing blow on one of the closest ones.
More hits. The shields whined and died.
Shepard sped past the soldiers: they sprinted around to the other side of the building, clustering together so they could all fire on the mako at the same time. One of the snipers' slugs cracked against the windshield - Ashley and I reflexively jerked at the sound, even though all that happened was a web-like chip appeared at the point of impact. Shepard, I realize now, barely blinked.
Then she twisted the wheel - hard. We skidded into a hairpin turn as we rounded the building: I winced at the smell of burning rubber filling the cab, trying hard not to think about how many times I'd already replaced the tires and how the inventory was running low. (Two. We had two tires left.)
Shepard accelerated out of the turn and mowed into the soldiers.
Three of them—including both snipers—went flying, limbs flaying almost comically with the force of the hit. One disappeared over a crag. Two tumbled over the edge of a small crater at the borders of the plateau where the base was situated.
The last anti-tank unit had somehow managed to miss Shepard's attack. He scrambled to his feet and fired his weapon. Alerts flashed over ever panel in the Mako's cab.
"We have a haul breach," Ashley cried out, her fingers scrambling over the diagnostics panel. "Shepard, we need to—"
Shepard veered towards the anti-tank unit – she clipped him with the edge of the Mako's bumper, but it was only enough to knock him to the ground, not kill him. The mako rocked as another missile hit us – this one, from the other side. Most warning lights flashed.
"We're taking damage!" I heard myself saying.
Shepard muttered something under her breath – some kind of human curse word, I was guessing, and swerved us away again.
I looked down at the combat sensor: the other anti-tank had somehow survived Shepard's attempt at vehicular murder. He had hauled himself to the edge of the crater.
"There!" I pointed out the windshield in the direction of the crater.
Shepard followed my gaze, saw the anti-tank unit, and turned the mako towards him. He hoisted his weapon higher on his shoulder: fire bloomed from the end of it as he fired.
"Another missile incoming!" Ashley snapped.
We all jerked in our seats as Shepard cued up the jump engines: the missile passed underneath the tires.
To his credit, the anti-tank unit did not try to run. He stood his ground and braced, preparing to fire again. Shepard accelerated. She hit him and he flew back down into the crater. The mako followed him down—like a varren chasing a rabbit—and there was a crunching sound as he disappeared under the wheels.
Shepard slammed on the brakes.
"What exactly are you doing, Skipper?" Ashley ventured.
"Parking," Shepard answered coolly, shrugging nonchalantly. "Thought this was a good spot.
To emphasize her point, she moved the mako forwards and backwards over the body one more time before finally activating the parking brake.
Ah. So this wasn't the Shepard who takes calculated risks – the one who'd almost killed herself on Pinnacle Station. This wasn't the Shepard who was paralyzed by her past – the one who'd frozen while talking to the VI on Feros.
This Shepard was entirely made of uncontrolled rage. This was the Shepard I'd seen take down Wrex in the cargo bay after Toombs.
I had known that Kahoku's death had hit her hard – but I'd underestimated the full extent of how much it was affecting her. This wasn't a Shepard who had any control over her choices. All those calm, quiet reminders that people deserved to be treated fairly…the ones she'd given me over and over again…they were inaccessible to her now.
She realized I was staring at her about a moment before I did. She raised an eyebrow at me. I shook my head, turning away, not wanting her to see the disappointment in my eyes.
I mean, I understood. But, well, maybe I'd believed she was infallible. To find out she wasn't, well…I just wasn't sure what to do about that.
I'm still not sure.
"We need omni-gel," Ashley barked.
Shepard opened up the compartment on her leg, tossing a couple of units to the gunnery chief, who caught them deftly. I busied myself with flipping through the various alert screens until I found the one identifying the panel breach: right rear section. I clambered into the back to help Ashley apply the omni-gel, while Shepard powered down the mako. We'd almost finished patching it up when Shepard made a sound halfway between a sigh and a "huh" from the driver's seat.
"What is it?" I barked.
"Our friend has returned," she answered.
"The last anti-tank unit?" I asked, too sharply.
I left replacing the interior panels to Ashley and scrambled up to the front, placing a hand on the back of Shepard's seat and peering out the windshield. Sure enough, I could see the anti-tank unit dragging himself over the ridge. The timing was unfortunate. There was nothing we could do until the repairs were complete and we could power up the mako again.
Shepard glanced up at me.
"Wait here."
The tone she used made it an order I didn't dare disobey. She rose from the driver's seat and used the manual override on the mako's hatch. Then, she leapt down onto the surface. From the back, Ashley gave me a questioning look, but all I could do was shrug. I turned to watch Shepard out the windshield as she moved up the ridge towards the last anti-tank unit.
I know this is going to sound ridiculous, Sol…but, I swear, it was like something out of a vid: a scene from Vaenia or something. She ran, backlit by the sunlight lining the top of the ridge like a corona of an eclipse. She unhooked her shotgun from behind her back. The anti-tank soldier saw her, adjusted his missile launcher, taking aim. If he hit her, we'd have to scrape her from the rocks.
She didn't seem overly concerned. She tensed and her biotic aura flickered to life: she raised a fist and he flew upwards, dangling in the air above her. She took aim with her shotgun. Fired once. Twice. She slammed him against the side of the cliff and he dropped: a cloud of dust rose around his body as he hit the dirt. He didn't move.
She kept walking up the ridge, the sunlight flaring around her.
"What's she doing?" Ashley wondered.
I started. I'd been so focused on watching the scene play out, I hadn't heard her approach my seat.
I honestly tried to look for words to answer her question, but couldn't find any. Ashley sighed, climbing into the driver's seat. I slide into the other one.
"She's not okay," Ashley grumbled as she initiated the mako's reboot sequence. "This isn't…her."
Her hands twisted the rim of the wheel and she shook her head.
"Honestly, Garrus, you should have seen her after Eden Prime."
"I'm sure it was devastating," I said, remembering that Ashley had lost her team there. Remembering her toast.
"Yes, but…" She shook her head. "That's the point. I'd lost my squad, but she lost one of her ground team. It was right before they found me, apparently. I only found out it later. Some kid. Green as they come. Jenkins, I think? He was popular with the rest of the crew and even I could tell his death had hit the crew hard. I mean, shakedown run and you lose someone right away?"
"Had to be tough."
"Exactly. But Shepard…it was like she didn't get it. She kept telling them things like 'that's a soldier's job' and all this crap you'd get from, I dunno, a drill sergeant in basic or something."
I frowned. It didn't exactly sound like her. The reboot sequence chimed that it was complete, and Ashley started driving the mako up the ridge, following the path Shepard had taken. She drove at a much more comfortable pace than Shepard did.
"The point is," Ashley continued. "after she lost that kid, it was like it barely affected her. But now, with Admiral Kahoku…someone she'd only spoken to…what? Once? Maybe twice? And this is when she goes to pieces? I don't understand."
For a moment, the only sound that filled the cab was the rumble of the mako's wheels against Nepheron's soil.
"She lost her father in combat, you know," I mused aloud—suddenly, I suppose, because Ashley looked surprised. "Maybe…maybe what she said about that kid was just her reciting the things she'd told herself about her father." Ashley tilted her head, considering my words, so I continued. "There's a kind of comfort in that, you know. My father was in C-Sec. I can remember growing up and that uncertainty we felt if we knew he was on some dangerous assignment…well, back then, that idea of 'duty' and 'sacrifice' meant a lot to us."
Ashley snorted.
"Yeah. Tell me about it. Long line of military service in my family, too."
We cleared the ridge. Shepard was waiting by the entrance to the facility, checking her weapons. She waved us over and Ashley steered towards her.
"Okay, so I guess that makes sense…" Ashley continued as she put the mako into park. "But why isn't it working now? The Admiral died trying to get justice for his team. It doesn't get much more heroic than that, does it?"
"Maybe. Maybe not."
She raised her eyebrows at me.
"Sorry, I don't really know…how to put this…" I wasn't sure how Ashley would react, but I cleared my throat and decided to go for it. "It's just that…it's all a lie, isn't it?"
"What is?"
" 'Duty'. 'Sacrifice.' All of it. Just lies we tell ourselves to keep the real grief at bay." I failed to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but I didn't really care. "You see enough of the galaxy and you start to understand that none of that really matters. Yes, your admiral died trying to avenge his team, but does what good did his death really accomplish, in the end?"
I rose from my seat and moved towards the hatch. Ashley followed.
"Look," I muttered as the hatch cycled opened, "I don't know how her father died or how she felt about the death of that kid on Eden Prime…but maybe this admiral's death is the first time she's seeing that. How meaningless and random the galaxy can be."
Ashley frowned at me.
"I think you're wrong."
I snorted, unsurprised, and jumped from the hatch.
"Which part?"
"All of it, of course." She followed, hitting the interface to close the hatch. "I think you're projecting. Shepard isn't like you, you know. I think this has more to do with Cerberus and Akuze."
"We've fought Cerberus cells before and she's never been like this."
"Yes. She has. With Toombs."
"You…might have a point."
We started walking towards Shepard, who was looking increasingly impatient. Ashley looked over to me, frowning.
"It was turians," Ashley said quietly, almost whispering so that Shepard couldn't overhear.
I blinked.
"You said you didn't know how her father died. And you probably should." There was no anger, no cruelty in her voice. If anything, I saw pity in her eyes as she carefully watched my face for a reaction. "I looked it up. Her dad was killed by some turian extremist cell that was still targeting humans years after the First Contact War was over."
I felt my stomach drop.
"I just…thought you should know," she finished, her tone uneasy.
I wondered if she expected me to thank her? She turned away, striding towards Shepard. A moment later, I followed. I tried to push what Ashley had told me to the back of my head, but I couldn't.
I'd thought…I'd thought Shepard and I had reached a kind of understanding. Maybe you could call it trust. Maybe I'd hoped I could call it trust. But how was that possible, knowing that I belonged to the species that murdered her father? How could she not see the terrorists that killed her father when she looked at me? No one could say that Shepard wasn't the kind to keep grudges. I'd seen her take down a thresher maw with a pistol – and had no delusions it was precisely because of Akuze. And now she was gunning down Cerberus personnel with a ferocity that had to be attributed to Kahoku's death…Ashley and I could agree on that point, at least.
What had she said? I wasn't inviting C-Sec on board.
I was inviting you.
"Vakarian, let's go," she said, snapping me out of my thoughts.
She was standing in the doorway so it wouldn't cycle close before I'd stepped inside.
We moved into the facility. The vestibule, as usual, was clear. She barely paused to glance at the various crates stored in the first room. She walked right over to the next door, opened it…and charged through.
"Orders, Skipper?" Ashley asked, jogging after her.
"Easy enough," Shepard called over her shoulder without so much as glancing at us, "kill them all."
She charged straight into the middle of the room.
It lit up with targeting lasers – all trained on her.
I moved towards the left side of the room, hoping it would give me enough cover and space to snipe the enemies on the far side of the room. But Shepard's lack of tactics threw me. Usually, she was careful. Meticulous, even. I rushed to target one of the sources of the targeting lasers peppering her chest. I pulled the trigger—too hastily, too panicked—but managed to wing the sniper on the shoulder. Another laser disappeared as Ashley's gunfire echoed mine. Shepard's biotics flared around her: she held up a fist, throwing one of them against a wall.
But enough of the shots hit her anyhow. Her shields died.
She rolled her shoulders and lowered her chin – a gesture I know well by know – and summoned her barrier just in time to deflect another incoming slug. Then she whirled around, tossing out more biotic energy around a corner. I moved from my cover, aiming to follow her, but then a bulky armored figure appeared from behind a tower of crates: practically on top of me. I tried to dodge back behind a crate, but the commando opened fire. If it hadn't been for the Predator armor, that would have been it. My shields held – barely. I managed to get off a single shot from my sniper rifle, then scrambled to switch to something that would work at close range. He moved in closer.
Then Ashley was there, behind me. The suppressing fire from her assault rifle drove the commando back, giving me enough room to maneuver out of the range of his shotgun. I cued up my omni-tool and overloaded his shields as I ducked around the edge of a crate. Ashley moved in closer. He turned his weapon towards her, but she acted as if she hardly noticed. I sank a slug into his armor. Her assault rifle filled him with a few more bullets. And he was down.
I nodded to her. She returned it.
Then, we sprinted across the room, looking for Shepard. She was dealing with a second commando. She fired her shotgun, then used her biotics to toss him backwards. She rounded on him like a predator, raising her shotgun and slamming it against the side of his head. He roared in pain, opening fire on her. The slugs ricocheted off her barrier. Ashley moved in close to Shepard's side. I hung back, and I checked my sensor. There was another enemy somewhere in the cover behind her. Sure enough, as Shepard fired another shot into the commando, the targeting laser flickered onto her back. I followed it back to its source. Sighted. Shot.
Missed.
The sniper fired. Shepard's barrier flickered and died. She wheeled around. I managed another shot – this time, I saw the sniper's shields go down. Shepard saw it, too. She lifted the sniper up, slamming him against the ceiling – and then throwing him across the room. He flew into a crate. Hit the floor. Did not move. Shepard resummoned her barrier again just before the commando unleashed a volley of slugs at her. The barrier shimmered unsteadily. Shepard was getting tired. The commando moved towards her and she raised her fist, slamming him against the wall. He made a choking sound. And then she slammed her again. And again.
Then dropped him. He did not move.
Ashley turned away – probably to check the sniper truly was down for the count – but from across the room I saw Shepard take a strangely unsteady step forwards. She staggered.
"Ashley!" I yelled.
She turned, instantly saw Shepard swaying, and grabbed one of Shepard's arms just before her eyes rolled and her legs gave way. I sprinted across the room, already cueing up medi-gel. But Ashley shook her head.
"She's not injured. She's over-used her biotics and her blood sugar is crashing. Check her armor. She should have an electrolyte solution somewhere."
I felt a momentary appreciation for the human military. The disadvantage of the cabals, I realized, was that I'd never fought much with biotic allies before the Normandy. Yes, we had a few biotics on C-Sec – but they tended to generate mistrust among the general populace, so I'd only ever fought beside biotics for the occasional special op.
But Ashley, as a human marine, had trained alongside biotics starting in basic. She knew exactly what to do. I stared at Shepard's armor, trying to guess which of the many, many compartments might contain the solution.
"Here, take her," Ashley grumbled impatiently. "I'll find it."
She shrugged Shepard into my arms, and I slung her arm over my shoulder. Her head lolled forwards against her chest. Ashley began opening various compartments on the armor, cursing as each one turned up empty.
"Shepard?" I ventured. "Can you hear us?"
She responded with a noise that was half-moan, half-exhale. Semi-conscious, then.
Ashley cued up her omnitool.
"Joker, it's Williams. Patch me through to the lieutenant."
She bounced on her heels impatiently while the transfer went through.
"Alenko here."
"Kaiden. Shepard's crashing. Where the hell does she keep her electrolytes? They're not in the standard right bracer."
"Right epaulet," Kaiden responded briskly. "What happened?"
"The Commander…" Ashley leaned close, flipping over the compartment on the top of Shepard's shoulder, and sighed in relief as she pulled out a small pouch filled with some sort of blue liquid.
"She overdid it. That's all," I contributed.
I could practically hear Kaiden's frown.
"Alright," Ashley said. "Hold her head up for me. I'd rather we got it into her stomach rather than her lungs."
I hesitated, but awkwardly managed to lift Shepard's head up by placing my hand on the back of her head. As I did so, some of the sections of her hair fell out of their weaving. I tried to stuff some of the hair back into where I thought it had come from – but more spilled out.
"What the hell are you doing?" Ashley said slowly.
"I…I'm trying to put it back how it was."
Ashley stared at me incredulously.
"Seriously, Garrus, we have other priorities right now. Hold her damn head for me."
I obliged, wincing as even more hair fell out.
Ashley squeezed the pouch into Shepard's mouth. Shepard coughed and spluttered, but remained limp. Then, I felt her muscles tense. Her biotics flickered – I felt a zap of static even through my armor – and then she blinked, her eyes struggling to focus on first me, then Ashley.
"Oh," she said.
Then: "Well, that was embarrassing."
"Yeah, we're going to have to re-run some Biotics 101 when you get back on board, Commander." Kaiden's voice piped up from the omni-tool – mostly teasing, but with an edge of concern I knew wouldn't have been lost on Shepard.
Shepard glared at Ashley from beneath the hair falling over her face.
"You called the lieutenant, Chief?"
"Had to, ma'am. Couldn't find the electrolyte solution. Alliance standard is to keep it in the right bracer."
"Yeah, well, I prefer it on my shoulder. Easier to reach."
"Whatever you say, Skipper." Ashley looked unrepentant. "Just glad you're okay."
"Yeah, physically okay maybe," she grumbled. "I'm not sure my pride will ever recover. Rookie mistake."
Shepard lifted her arm up from my shoulder. She stretched her neck from side to side.
It was strange that, despite making a fundamental mistake when it came to rationing her biotics, she seemed more relaxed than she had been going into the fight. Like she was back to her usual self. Like she'd worked through whatever she'd needed to. We continued through the facility, but there wasn't much to find except a terminal at the back of the one of the rooms. Shepard moved as much data as she could to a disk before its security program wiped it all – hopefully, the Alliance will be able to do something with it.
When we arrived back on the Normandy, Kaiden was waiting for us in the cargo bay. His arms were crossed, worry etched into his face.
"I'm fine, Lieutenant," Shepard said, rolling her eyes.
"I didn't say anything," he said, raising up his hands in a "not guilty" gesture.
"You didn't have to," she mumbled. "Look, I was stupid. I overdid it. And I appreciate you bailing me out."
He smiled.
"Hey, no problem. Anytime."
"Nope," she said. "Not anytime. It won't happen again."
"Of course, Commander."
And she grinned at him.
- G.
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