I do not own The Outsiders. All characters used from the book are borrowed with much respect to S.E. Hinton.

Warning: Fluff, fluff, a lot of Curtis brother fluff. Read at your own risk.


I was feeling defeated as Greg and I returned to Soda's room from the cafeteria. I knew in my head that it had nothing to do with me not being enough, or Soda not wanting me around to smother him and mother-hen him to death, but I still felt a gnawing in my gut that told me I'd failed.

I'd been failing since my parents died. I'd been making promises that I couldn't keep.

Greg placed his hand on my shoulder as we walked to the end of the hall where Soda's room was, and I could feel my insides churning. This should've been one of the most happy and thrilling moments of my life—finding out that my brother had made it out of Vietnam in relatively one piece, but he wasn't the same and I didn't know if he ever would be because he wouldn't let me in, and I had all of these conflicting feelings about it.

"Darry, you need to take a deep breath." Greg's voice was steady; everything that I wasn't at that moment.

"Wha?" I was only half-listening as I looked in the doorway to watch my brothers together with Beth.

Her hand was over her mouth and she was laughing as Soda teased his brother lovingly over a story that no doubt took place before my world started eroding away from the centre.

"He wanted to save it?" Beth's face was red, and tears leaked from the outside corners of her eyes as my brother had her laughing hysterically.

"I don't 'member! No fair!" Pony was winded as he, along with Soda and Beth, were laughing; his face pink with embarrassment.

"Awe Pone, ya don't remember worryin' your head over that cotton mouth? He sure did like your drawers." Soda teased, pulling Pony closer to him so he could kiss his head.

"What did Darry say?" Beth wheezed.

"I thought he was gonna strangle 'em!" Soda vibrated; kissing Pony on the head again before he caught sight of me and Greg in the doorway. "There he is! Darry get in here! I was tellin' Beth 'bout that time Pony had the ratt'ler in his drawer!"

The smile on his face was genuine, and it sparked a bit of hope in me. I could see the remnants of the boy he once was as he sat side-by-side with the brother he'd always been so crazy about. Greg had been right, of course. Only Ponyboy could pull Soda out of his shell.

I thought back to the day Soda was sharing, and I grinned fondly. It was a time of youth and innocence; a time in my life I wasn't remotely aware of the horrors that would face any of us. I thought the worst thing that'd ever happen to us would be the passing of our parents, but I was naïve. I had no clue how bad life could get. I had no clue about the pain of loss until I thought I'd lost everything.

"Crazy morning, that's for sure." I added quietly. "Look, I'm gonna head 'er. Think you two can manage without burnin' the place down, or gettin' thrown in the slammer?"

"We're going?" Beth looked surprised as I nodded stiffly.

"C'mon Darry, I was just gettin' started with all the embarrassing stories about you. Don't bail now!" Soda teased, but there was somethin' in the look he gave me that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Sorry to disappoint." I grinned tightly before turning to make my way out the door.

"Darry!" Pony's voice cracked as he tried to holler, and I turned my head to see my youngest brother panic-stricken.

"Hey," I rushed over to the bed and over to my brothers. "Pony…"

"Are you mad?" Pony rasped as he worried the side of his head with his crooked hand.

I sat on the other side of him and pet his hair while I smiled gently at him. "Now, why would I be mad at you, hmmm?"

Pony shrugged. "'Cause I was a jerk and mad at you?"

I huffed a laugh before pulling him gently from under Soda's arm so that I could wrap both of mine around him. I looked at Soda, and noticed him cock his head slightly before a soft smile covered his face—a smile that reached his eyes.

"You were right to be angry. You two deserve some time together and I hogged Soda all to myself." I gently pulled myself from Pony's hold. "I'm sorry for doin' that. Forgive me?"

Pony nodded with a sort of sad look on his face, and it looked like he was going to start crying.

"Hey," I pulled him back into me tightly. "I want you to take good care of him tonight, okay? It's your turn, baby."

"'M'kay," Pony sniffed before shoving his face in my neck. "You sure, Darry? What if I mess up?"

I broke our hold and gave him a playful wink before nodding. "He needs you, little buddy. We're gonna putter off and look around town—find out if this place has anything worth seein'. If you need anything, I'll leave the number of the motel at the desk."

I pressed my mouth to his forehead and breathed in while I kissed him. I pulled away and stood up; heading for the door without looking back so I wouldn't change my mind.

"Darry?" I heard Soda call after me as I made to leave the room.

I didn't stop to see what he had to say. I was too weak. If he asked me to stay, I knew I'd cave and say yes.

"Darry, c'mon! What the fuck?"

I felt his hand grip my shoulder from behind, and I let him slowly turn me around to face him.

"What the fuck was that? Where ya think you're goin'?" Soda looked at me in confusion.

"You don't need me…"

"What? Don't be ridiculous, Darry. Of course I need you!" Soda was exasperated as he interrupted me.

"Just let me speak, for cripes sake, would ya?"

Soda stopped, biting the bottom corner of his lip.

"I've been lookin' at this whole thing wrong, okay? I've been selfish, and…" I didn't know what I wanted to say to my brother except that I was…

"I'm sorry. It's just finding you here after thinking you've been dead for the last couple years 's sorta scrambled my brain, y'know?"

I watched his face for some sort of understanding, but his eyebrows furrowed, and he avoided my gaze.

"I thought I could just bust in and take charge, y'know? And everything would be like it useta be. Y'know, I could just be your big brother and make everything okay again, but life don't work that way, does it?"

A tear fell down his cheek as he slowly shook his head. "I'm sorry, Darry."

"Why?"

"'Cause I feel like I'm hurtin' you, and I don't wanna do that. 'S why I didn't want you here—I didn't want you findin' me and seein' how fucked up I am. I just hurt you 'n it's the last thing I wanna do. You don't deserve that."

"Shhh…" I didn't know what else to do except grab onto Soda, and clutch him to me. "If you need me to go…if this is what you need, then I'll do it. Just don't…"

I wanted to beg Soda not to shut me out, but it wasn't up to me. It was up to Sodapop.

"…Just know I'm here for you, little buddy. God, I just love you so much!" I fought back the urge to cry.

"Awe, c'mon Darry. You act like I'm gonna disappear." He hiccuped a laugh.

"You did disappear, Soda. You did…" I choked as my eyes began the tell-tale stinging of an older brother about to break down and start bawling.

I felt Soda nod, and his arm wrapped around my waist before he growled in frustration.

"I can't even fuckin' hold you the way I want to!" He burst into tears, and my heart broke.

"Shhh…I'm here, little buddy. I can feel you." I whispered in his ear before kissing it. "I feel you."

Soda burrowed into me deeper, and we held on tightly to each other.

I relished in the moment. I'd been feeling so far away from Soda, and I hated the feeling. Soda was never just my younger brother; he'd always been my best friend and later when our parents were gone and it was just me and him doing our best to keep Ponyboy from sinking, that bond had grown even stronger.

I held onto him desperately, but eventually we had to let go of one another. Soda pulled away first, and I'd felt a pang of disappointment until I felt his hand on my cheek, and I could see the love on his face as he looked at me and smiled. His eyes spilled over some more as his hand moved, and his fingers combed through my hair; playing with the long strands at the back of my neck. I couldn't help but smile back as he moved his hand over and around to my jaw, and he shook his head while he rubbed at my beard.

"Does Beth really let you go out lookin' like a bum?"

The laughter bubbled out of me and Soda's face lit up like the sun when he laughed right along with me.

Sunshine.

"She…" I could feel my face heat up as I looked at Soda awkwardly.

"She what?" Soda urged. "C'mon, Darry. Quit bein' such a stiff. What'd she do?" Soda let go of my jaw to give me a playful shove.

"She said she thought it looked sexy?" I sounded sheepish as I shrugged.

"Yeah for a fuckin' greaser hippie!" Soda snickered, and I nodded along.

"Hillbilly hippie—that's what Pony calls me."

Soda's nose scrunched up and wrinkled as he continued to snicker at my expense, and I didn't care. It was a lot like hearing Pony laugh or giggle those first days after I thought he'd never smile again, let alone find something to laugh about. I felt like juggling, or doing some odd circus act to keep my brother's smile on his face, but as Beth and Greg came out of the room, the moment evaporated.

"Ready?" Beth snaked her arm around mine, and I nodded without breaking my gaze from Sodapop.

"Yeah, lets go before we get him in shit for leavin' his room. Y'know how to get ahold of me?"

"Number to the motel's at the desk." Soda gave a nod.

"Alright then," I nodded back. "Y'all stay outta trouble." I tried to grin, but the muscles in my face were all clenched as I struggled to keep my composure, and I was sure it looked as though I were grimacing.

"Aye aye, Superman." Soda saluted me with a playful wink, and I winked back at him before the three of us walked away.

Beth squeezed my arm in encouragement, and I felt Greg's hand rub my shoulder when I heard Soda holler after me.

"Hey, Darry?"

I turned around to look at my brother, and it felt like an apparition. Had I imagined these last weeks? Was this even real—him coming back from the dead? Part of me was screaming to turn back and stay, but then I remembered my place. This wasn't about me. This was about Soda and what he needed to get better.

"Yeah?" My voice cracked as I stared awe-struck by how beautiful my brother was.

Even sleep deprived and weary with only one arm left, he still could've been in the movies with that face of his. Soda Patrick Curtis was a looker.

"Y'know I love you, right? 'Cause I do."

And maybe that's all I needed to hear from him, because my face relaxed and I felt my mouth pull up into a genuine smile.

"I know." I nodded.

"Thank you, Darry."

"For what?" I looked at him confused.

"You always know." Soda shrugged his one shoulder. "You always know what to do. You always know what I need even when I can't seem to figure it out myself. You just always know."

"There he is," Greg whispered beside me, and it dawned on me that I was still taking care of Soda.

Me walking away and giving him room was still taking care of him. He still looked to me—his big brother for all the answers, and though I thought I was out of answers for all of us, I'd given him the one he was too afraid to ask for.

My smile grew as I felt for Beth's arm with my other hand, and gave her a squeeze.

"Be good, 'n mind your brother for me, yeah?"

Soda bit his bottom lip again and his smile was so big, he looked like he was glowing.

"You got it!"


"You nervous?" Beth squeezed my arm as I pulled the car into the empty parking spot, and turned off the ignition.

"I don't think there's anything to worry about." Greg smiled as he looked at me from the back seat. "He seemed at peace yesterday before we left. More like himself."

"I guess Pony will let us know." Beth shrugged.

"Don't count on it," I shook my head with a wry grin. "It's never worked in the past."

"What's never worked?" Beth frowned.

"Tryin' to spy on one through the other. It don't work."

I thought back throughout our childhood, all the way up to when I found out about Jack, and I knew that if Sodapop asked Pony to keep anything a secret, he'd take that secret to the grave.

"Not even for Soda's well-being?" Beth looked like she didn't believe me.

"Nope," I replied, popping the 'p' for effect. "They're the lock and key to each other. I know it's frustrating sometimes…hell, who 'm I kiddin'? It's frustrating all the time, but it works. They work it out together. I can't imagine it if they didn't have each other; after what Ponyboy went through, and I know I don't even know the half of it. Soda does though."

"He'd tell Soda and not you?" Greg looked at me curiously.

"They tell each other everything."

"Why wouldn't he tell you though? You two are so close, I don't understand." Greg shook his head.

"I was there after 'n I saw him. I dunno if it's embarrassment? Shame?" I shrugged and looked out the window. "Afraid he let me down, even though that's impossible. He has no idea just how special he is." I spoke wistfully, forgetting I had an audience.

"I think you're selling yourself short, babe." Beth reached for my hand and squeezed it in both of hers.

"No," I shook my head and grinned. "I'm his big brother—Superman. I'm the one that thumps skulls and kicks ass when someone tries to mess with them, but together…" I didn't know how to put into words what I'd witnessed all my life.

"They're a kindred spirit—soulmates I guess. I dunno how to explain it, but you'll see. Let's get in there."

And there they were as we filed slowly into the room. Soda was gazing out the window while sitting in bed—the head of it rolled all the way up. Ponyboy was asleep with his head on his brother's lap and his arms wrapped around his hips.

"Hey," I spoke quietly as I approached the bed.

Soda slowly tore his eyes away from whatever it was that he was watching, and looked at me soberly.

"I wanna go home, Darry." His voice cracked as his fingers sunk into Ponyboy's hair.

"Of course! Once Dr. Burton gives the okay we'll…"

"I don't give a shit about Dr. Burton. I wanna go home."

It wasn't the Soda that had glowed and gave me hope for the future. That was a different Soda, and that was yesterday. This Soda was red-eyed and tense. This Soda was on the edge, and I was afraid of pushing him.

"What happened, little buddy? You two okay?" I asked concerned.

On closer inspection of my youngest brother, it looked like Sodapop wasn't the only one of them struggling. His left arm was tensed, and his breathing sounded strained.

"He had a seizure." Soda confirmed. "It just…I wanna go home."

"Did you wanna call Sandy? Let her know that…"

"Not Jacksonville, Darry. I wanna go home. I wanna go back to Tulsa."