we've been down,
we've been up
i hope i've made
you proud enough
you make it look easy
even when I'm hard to love
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hard to love - one ok rock
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[LIFELINES]
chapter thirty-five: square one
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We had takoyaki after the play.
Sora liked it. She said she was actually craving omurice, but nothing after ten served omurice so we had opted for a takoyaki stall. I told her that omurice was technically accessible at any time because it was designed to be a homemade cooked dish. I also (stupidly) told her that if she wasn't full from the takoyaki, I could make her a mean omurice.
It was when I started to semi-brag about how good I was at it, and that I could take her back to mine to try it out, I stopped mid sentence and bit my tongue. That's the thing about Sora; I get too comfortable around her - too comfortable to realise that I had unintentionally been bold and thrown a line at her without realising it. I really didn't mean it that way, especially when I had been too focused getting back in her good books. I didn't want her to have the impression that I wanted to get in her pants...I mean, after what I had done to her-
"Well, you do make good pancakes."
Her voice breaks my thought process.
Sora's cheeks redden, cringing at her own words. I scratch the back of my head. With Sora bringing up that pancake scenario, I know that it's not only me associating it to that night we had first slept together.
Yes, that's right...it was that time Sora required some assistance to yank Taichi out of that sports bar. After we had, somehow, successfully relocated his drunk body at Takeru's, it was I who offered to take her home. Something bothered me - well, something more or less bothered her - and I had wanted to make sure she was alright. So I had driven her home, but I had still felt uneasy so I had stalked her up to her apartment. We argued at her doorway. And then...one thing led to another. It had ended up with me pushing her against the wall, her arms wrapping around my neck, us making out, and then us concluding it all with a good old-fashioned romp. Pancakes were what I had cooked for us that morning after.
She skewers a takoyaki, biting into it and smiling to herself as she savours the flavour. I've already devoured mine, so I'm watching her eat. Half of her plastic takoyaki plate is doused in mayonnaise. She dips another ball into the mayo, rolling it around the plate until it is mostly drenched in white. As she's about to munch on another one she eyes me, "Do you want it?"
"Nah, I'm good," I laugh.
Sora's savouring the takoyaki, but I'm savouring this...feeling? This atmosphere? I don't know what to make of it.
The stall is quaint and small. We're the only customers. It's nearing midnight. The stall is decorated with these soothing red lanterns, dimly lighting our surroundings. To the takoyaki cook, we seem like a couple. The old man's already implied it a few times, muttering to me if the 'missus' wanted another beer, or if me the 'kareshi' wanted another serving of takoyaki.
"Not drinking?" Sora asks me, realising she's already up to her third beer and that I'm still drinking from my first glass of tap water.
"To be honest, I'm trying not to lay off the alcohol. I haven't since..."
She saves me from telling it, simply responding to me with, "I get it."
Sora nods, resting her hands on her lap after finishing the last takoyaki. And from that one motion, I'm looking at her again. The pale pink dress is really doing her justice. It's a colour I'm not used to seeing on her, but it really is accenting her femininity. Her perfume is slight, and gentle. For her simple appearance, she looks rather extravagant in the red lighting. And, just from looking at her, I suddenly feel a wave of nervousness.
Awkwardly, I mumble, "Though, I'm really tempted to have a drink. I'm not used to this kind of thing-"
She questions, "What do you mean?"
"You know...going on a date," I admit. Why am I even speaking at this point? At this point, I want to bury my face in my hands and hide. I talk more garbage, naturally making it worse, "I don't know how dates work so I'm sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I'm sorry if I screwed up your night."
"I'm enjoying myself. It's not often somebody asks me out to a musical on the first date. Try not to be too hard on yourself, Yamato." Sora smiles, like she's reassuring me like the fool I am. "And if it helps, I don't think people generally ever get used to first dates."
"But...you know what I mean," I say, I scratch the back of my head. "Especially since we've skipped all the stuff in between."
God, why am I being so honest about this? It's not like I'm being dishonest about it all though.
"You're not wrong," Sora replies, openly laughing at me this time. "We never did start from square one."
We had skipped the dating stage. We had started out bantering, then keeping each other company at Koushiro's launch - which had resulted in me taking her drunk ass home and kissing her on my sofa. The only consistency had been our flirting. We slept together shortly after Koushiro's launch. As for dates? No. I can't say we have been on any as neither of us had initiated anything.. Hell, I wouldn't even call hanging out with Mimi and Taichi at the Batting Cage a date because Sora and I had been there to 'congratulate' our best friends for getting married behind our backs. Sure, we spontaneously went out after the Batting Cage...but Sora and I hadn't planned it.
"So this would be our official first date?" I say, using this question to gauge our footing...what we are at this moment. I feel dizzy despite sitting on the stool. My heart is racing in my chest as I wait for her response.
She drawls, "I guess you can say that this is..."
I don't know why I feel so darn happy about this. It's not like we're even a couple, but the fact that she's willing to try to make this work after I had messed up so madly makes me feel relieved. I know I hadn't warranted this second chance, but here she is...giving me this chance to redeem myself.
Fighting a smile, I say, "Well, my dad is probably twisting in his grave knowing that I've taken you to a takoyaki stall instead of a fancy restaurant to woo you."
"Oh, Yamato," she shoves me on the arm. "Stop doubting and thinking too much into things. As I said before, I'm having a wonderful time. I'm pretty easy to please. Good company. Good food. What more can I ask for?"
This seems promising. I don't have the courage to ask her out for a second date yet, but she seems interested? Or am I reading too much into things? I shouldn't be too confident. Mimi said that she's been going on other dates. She might just be saying she's enjoying this because she's being polite and doesn't want to make things weird between us - especially when our friends know each other and all that jazz.
But she hugged you...
Well, it hadn't been only her. Hours ago she had caressed my cheek, we had our arms looped around each other. The musical...I can't remember much of it. What I do vividly recall is how we had embraced each other throughout the entirety of it. I'll probably have to ask Miho-chan or buy another ticket off her, seeing as I hadn't paid much attention to the play as I would have.
I mean, when somebody like Sora is around...how can somebody not feel distracted?
Sora attempts to pay the bill. I push her hand away when she tries to give the 3,000 yen to the cashier. I win. She tells me that she'll pay the next time we go out.
So there is a next time…?
I'm left absolutely bewildered as she walks away, waving at me.
However, as I watch her disappear into the night, I'm already following her. I can't leave it like this. Yes, I love spending time with her, I love being around her...I like many things about her because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been interested in her to begin with. I wouldn't have wasted my time on her. Jun's right. Sora's the only person that's captured my attention after Kaori, the only person that has made me suddenly think of a potential future to be with somebody.
And if I want us to start again, I can't pretend that all the shit that went down never happened. It doesn't feel right. Yes, we are restarting from 'square one'...but that doesn't make everything that we had gone through a naught. I had fucked up a lot of things, she had lied to me. We both had made mistakes and I can't take this anymore - I have to-
"Yamato?" Sora blinks at me, staring straight at him in shock. My hands are on her shoulders, stopping her from walking away. I'm also using her to support my body, as I catch my breath from chasing after her.
Her bemused eyes gaze up at me.
"I'm sorry."
"Huh?"
"For what happened, Sora," I try to clarify. "That night...when you went over to mine, and I was high and-"
"You've already apologised about this?" She slants her head to the side, still confused by my actions. Maybe she's finding it peculiar and hard to talk about, like I am. I'm not surprised if she is.
But it needs to be done. It needs to be said.
Even though I had said sorry when she had visited me that time, at rehab, deep in me I know that it wasn't enough. And, the thing is, will it ever be enough? I don't think I'll ever get past what I've done. And even if she forgives me, I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with it. What I owe her...is everything. If I really want to be with her, I need to try better. I need to be a better person; a person worth standing by her side.
"I know," I say. "But at that time, I had an argument with Takeru and my mother. I wasn't genuine enough and wasn't completely level-headed. It kept repeating in my mind, that last time we spoke...of how much of an ass I had been to you."
"You were in rehab, Yamato."
"That's not the point," I rebuke. "I don't want to use that as an excuse. Just because somebody is feeling shit doesn't mean they have to treat people like shit too. And I'm a shithead for that."
Sora groans at me. "I know this isn't the right moment and all, but...can you stop saying 'shit'? If you're trying to be romantic, please don't put that word in your lines."
"My lines?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "Does it seem like I'm romancing you?"
"Yes, Yamato," Sora laughs at me. "And I'd like it if you stop trying. Can you just be yourself? It's not like we don't know each other. Besides, we'll be seeing each other next week anyway."
"We are?"
Sora rolls her eyes at me. "I want to...if you don't then-"
"Jeez, of course I do." I murmur, "But I wanted to apologise properly. Why can't you let me do this?"
"Oh. My. God," Sora exclaims, but I shake her shoulders and she's looking at me again. "I already know. It's fine."
"No, it isn't." I tell her, continuing to talk despite her protests, "As I said earlier, when I said sorry to you at the rehab I was not being me. I lost my temper on you. I took advantage of you. And, if I can, I'll apologise to you over and over again. Every day even-"
"Please don't. That would be annoying. Really, Yamato. Please stop this." Sora sighs. Her left hand reaches up and touches my arm, like the mere action will prevent and alleviate the guilt that is burning in my stomach. "I also know that you didn't mean to hurt me. I know you're not that type of person...and knowing that you were under the influence solved a lot of my questions, it made me see how much you were struggling."
"Sora...I-"
"No, you hear me out this time." Her arms are suddenly around my neck, bringing my head down so that our foreheads are resting against each other. She whispers, "I should be the one saying sorry too."
"Why?"
"While you had many factors that made you act the way you did, I was out of pretext. We were dating, Yamato...and I still did that behind your back. I went to see my ex when I shouldn't have. I lied to you," Sora replies.
I glimpse that her gaze has lowered, long eyelashes brushing the tip of my nose and visible from under my vision.
"And I made it worse for you - especially when you saw me with him. Seb caught me off guard, and I kissed back because it felt familiar. I realised that I didn't have feelings for him anymore, but that's beside the point. That doesn't make it right. Perhaps I'm the one who took advantage of you…"
"I was hurt, and I was foolish to not act like an adult to you and speak to you properly."
"No," Sora frowns, not agreeing with my thoughts. "What I did was wrong."
Tears touch my cheek. It's not my tears, but hers. I sigh, resting my arms above her waist. "We're not perfect, are we?"
"Yeah, we aren't," she croaks out. "Are you going to forgive me?"
"I've passed that stage. Why do you think I'm here?" I say. "Mine definitely outweighs your thing with your ex."
"They're equally both bad."
"I wouldn't call it equal. I don't even think you'd let me touch you after what I've done," I admit. "This is a miracle. You're a miracle."
"Stop trying to romance me."
I chuckle. "I'm not. I'm being honest."
"Really?"
"Yeah. We're in this together, aren't we Takenouchi?"
She freezes when I wipe the tears from her cheeks with my sleeves. Her eyes are watery, but there's a tiny smile that has crawled on her lips. "Together?"
"Why not?" I kiss her cheek. She breathes onto my neck, and says quietly, "I've missed you."
I tell her the same thing back.
I've missed this. I've missed us. But, most of all, I've missed her.
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My persistence has yet to pay off. Maya is barricading the door, shaking her head at me before I can even ask.
"Not today, Yamato."
Shoulders sloping, I dejectedly reply, "Now I get it. Being blacklisted is not the greatest feeling."
"Have you ever thought that it could be a taste of your own medicine?" Maya comments. I liked her better when we'd exchange ramblings, not her doing her job at blocking me from getting into the rehab.
I huff out, "Aren't you meant to be on my side?"
"My side is to remain passive and mutual."
"Oh really?" I quirk back. "You're not doing a good job at it."
"Complain all you want, Ishida...you ain't getting in until Takashi permits it."
I remark, "It'll be eons though."
"Possibly." Maya doesn't make any effort to dissuade me with any false pretenses.
Then again, it is her job to secure the place. The thing about rehab is that the guards need to be trained to deal with psychos (like myself) by not only using forceful methods, but also knowing how to talk the talk. What I've learnt is that forceful methods aren't always effective. These methods tend to encourage people to become more resistive and to fight back with even more gusto. I've witnessed quite a number of squabbles go down between the patients and guards. And, by guards, I mean the newly trained ones. Most of these guards hadn't lasted long at this rehab. The turn-over rate is insane because they aren't mentally (ha!) prepared for it.
On the other hand, Maya's got more than a ton of experience under the belt. She hasn't budged from her high position at the clinic, and definitely isn't somebody to be reckoned with. Many patients never went against her authority because they all, including myself, treated her like a friend. We've all built a rapport with her, which she had somehow conned us into without any of us realising it. Perhaps in her previous life she was a con artist. I wouldn't be surprised. She's good at what she does.
Releasing out a loud sigh, I tell her, "I'll try again next week then."
"Catch you then, Ishida."
As I'm about to wave, my phone beeps a notification. I unlock the device and immediately a smile disgraces my expression.
Sora's sent me a photo of herself, posing with two peace signs. Short white skirt, a snug white top, a green visor shading her face and a wide grin. She's super happy because she's on the tennis court. It's one of her favourite hobbies. Of course, I've encouraged her to keep going at it - any excuse to see her her long legs. Her tennis gear is truly a blessing. Yeah, I'm horrible but you can't blame when she's this attractive.
"Sora's really pretty, isn't she?" Maya is peeking over my shoulder at the photo I'm staring at.
I don't deny it. "She is."
"I really didn't think she'd give you the time of day after you blacklisted her," Maya scolds me. "You're lucky that she's still stuck by you. She's somebody who believes in you, so you can't let her go again."
I sheepishly simper at her. "I won't."
This time I actually do walk away. As I make my way outside, I multitask and text her to ask which court she's at. She takes a photo of the fake Statue of Liberty. I immediately know that she's in Odaiba and from that certain angle, I know which court she's at. I frown when I see her opponent in the background. Her opponent is a guy that I'm not too entirely fond of.
I call her. Before she answers, I grumble, "You're playing with that Eiji kid again?"
"Why not?"
"He may be your interior design junior buddy, but I see the way he looks at you and I know that-"
"Oh, cut it out. There's no need to sulk." Sora remarks, "I seriously do see him like a younger brother. He's the equiv of what Takeru is to me."
"Somehow that makes me more concerned."
She laughs at me.
"I'm not joking!" I exclaim, but I find myself chuckling along with her.
We're at this cosy stage - maybe the honeymoon stage of an early relationship? The real test will come later, but right now I'm enjoying what we have. I really like what I've got going on with Sora. It had started with regular dates to see musicals. She dressed up for each one of the shows. After a period, I admitted that I'd get bankrupt if we kept going to the shows because by that point we were seeing each other every night. Then we did movie nights instead. She never has failed to not make me popcorn, which is something I highly appreciated. Her teddy bear collection still remains both amusing and horrifying to me. I love how she never shuts up about work when she gets excited about a project.
She's cute like that.
And don't forget about the cuddling.
There are times I can see her wanting more than the hugs, but I still can't bring myself to do anything past kissing. We had rushed last time, and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. I can't afford to lose her again. Whenever she'd get frustrated at me (for not wanting to go all the way to third base), she'd sink her teeth into my neck to spite me. I never really minded it. In fact, I found it both hot and funny as hell.
Sora's just...so much fun, you know? I'm lucky. I really am.
"Why are you laughing?"
A female voice slices into the air, piercing through my conversation with Sora. There's a bite in the person's tone, an edge that garners my undivided attention. "Who are-huh? Natsuki-chan?"
I haven't seen Takashi's younger sister since I was in high school. She was two grades younger than me, but I didn't know much about her. She's taller now, cheeks fuller, hair longer and has this hard scowl planted on her face. Takashi did mention she played the violin, but that's all I really knew about her. Her hair is the same colour as Takashi's, but unlike Takashi's brown eyes, she has dark grey eyes. And, right now, her eyes are harobouring so much anger as she glares at me.
"You don't deserve to be here! How dare you! You shouldn't even be allowed to laugh, you asshole!" She lunges at me. I'm too much in awe to fight back as she suddenly plummets me with a handful of fists to the chest. I gasp, the wind being knocked out of me. I'm on the floor as she straddles me. Her eyes are still furiously blazing as she cries out, "It's all your fault my brother is like this!"
I close my eyes and flinch, waiting for Natsuki's fist to land one on me.
Nothing comes.
I slowly open my eyes to see that Maya's holding her fist back. In fact there are a few other guards surrounding us, peeling her off me. My heart is beating hard in my chest, and I'm trying to contain myself from throwing up. I'm shuddering.
"Hey? You good?" Maya helps me up once they have kept Natsuki a fair distance from me. Takashi's sister is still shrieking and yelling at me in the background. I don't know what she's saying because my ears are blurring her out.
"Uh…"
I don't know. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
Takashi's sister isn't wrong, but seeing her has really thrown everything out of whack. This spontaneous confrontation hadn't been something that I had anticipated. My body is shuddering and I drop back onto the floor to pick up my phone.
Slightly confused, I bring the phone to my ear and I hear her voice. I calm down a bit.
"Sora?" I say, throat dry.
"-was she? Who was that woman?"
"Why? Are you jealous?"
"Don't be an idiot. I heard what she said. Are you alright? She didn't sound all the pleasant."
I murmur, "Let's just say that it wasn't a pleasant reunion. Honestly, I'm a tad bit shaken up right now."
"Was she an ex? A crazy stalker fangirl of yours?" Sora guesses. "Should I be worried or should I whip out a chainsaw and leave this match to rescue you?"
I laugh out loud at that. Thank God she's here. She keeps talking, and her voice soothes me.
Maya taps me on the shoulder, gesturing that she needs to go to where Natsuki is. I get the signal, waving a bye to her for the second time. As I make my way to the carpark, I cradle the phone against my ear and shoulder while I shuffle around to dig out my keys.
"I'm driving to you. Keep going with your game. I'll be there soon."
"Are you sure?"
I reassure her, "Of course. I'll even sit on the benches and be your personal cheerleader. How would you like that?"
"Pom poms and all?" she tries.
I chuckle. "Takenouchi, don't push your luck."
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(a/n) Happy hump day!
I'm cutting it short(er) here. As you can see, a handful of new/different scenes in this chapter in contrast to Bittersweet Catastrophe. I left a lot of these fresh scenes to be written in Lifelines, and intentionally didn't include it in Bittersweet C. There's still a bit more story to go. Maybe approx 5 chapters or so. It might be less; it might be more. Thank you for sticking around and reading this lengthy story xD
Review reply to Oldie: Thank you for reading! From Sora's POV he would have been seen differently. But yes, from his own POV...he is quite sensitive - so you're not wrong about not being able to recall perceiving Yamato like this. He is recovering from a lot, so many thing still get to him, and anxiety repercussions, I guess.
I'll reply to the rest of the reviews today or tomorrow.
