thanks again for the continuous support, I just hope what happens in this chapter seems realistic as it can in a fictional world.
Soon Jane and Maura were ready for the day, Angela and Korsak were coming over shortly to watch the kids while they went with Cailin to Camille's apartment to gather some things for the kids and look around the place for other things they might need. The twins had wanted to go with them but Maura thought it would be best if the adults go this time and then maybe they could go another day with them.
When Angela and Korsak arrived the kids were watching television with Tommy, paying them no attention.
"Hey Ma, thanks for helping with this, I know you should probably be relaxing but I'm grateful you can help out. The kids really look up to you, they were actually talking this morning, said that you took them to the zoo," Jane spoke as she finished off her beer she wanted to drink before they went to Camille's, hopefully to take a little bit of the edge off.
"Yeah, they had a great time," she frowned at the bottle. "You sure it's good to be drinking beer in the morning, with the twins around. I don't want them picking up your bad habits."
"And I really don't want a lecture, plus it's after noon now, I wouldn't consider this morning. It's how I cope..."
"Well I wish you could cope another way, like with boxing your frustrations out or even having sex with your wife," she suggested.
"Okay, so you think I shouldn't drink beer but having sex in the house with kids is a good idea. I need to keep the edge off and drinking a beer helps." She pushed herself off the stool. "I'm going to see if Maura and Cailin are ready to go. Thanks for helping with the twins," she mumbled leaving out to the guest house where she remembered they were. "Ma and Korsak are here now, if you both were ready to go."
"Of course Jane," Maura stood up from Chad and the three of them headed out to Camille's apartment. It was a pretty silent drive there, each of the girls in there own thoughts. Jane wasn't prepared to be going through Camille's apartment, she felt sick to her stomach about it, knowing that Camille won't be them greeting them or talking about things that went on during their day. Jane was grateful that she wasn't driving, or else her having teary eyes would become a problem. Man did she miss that woman.
She thought how well Cailin had been taking it, or at least she looked like she was handling it alright, but that probably wasn't the case. Jane wasn't aware of Cailin and Camille's breakup a week ago. Maura had just learned about the break up while her and Cailin were talking in the guest house. Maura understood why Cailin did it, but she could tell just how sad and guilty Cailin had felt about it Camille's death and the whole thing.
She tried reassuring the girl that it was going to be okay in the end, Maura spewing words that she was told all the time growing up when her parents went away a lot. She realized it probably didn't make her sister feel any better. Maura eventually pulled up to Camille's apartment, she looked at the building and took a deep breath. This was going to be really tough, the reason she didn't want the twins to join them.
They made it to Camille's door and Cailin took the keys out of her jacket pocket, fiddling with it. "I don't think I can do this," she tensed up, handing the key to Jane. "Can you?"
"Um yeah, sure," she looked down at the key before unlocking the apartment door, and shoving the key in her pocket. Jane stepped into the apartment slowly like she felt odd being here. "It definitely still has a Camille vibe in here. I'm going to see if there's any paperwork or anything. You guys mind getting some of the twins clothes and things together," Jane told them as she went to Camille's bedroom, she took a moment, taking a deep breath before stepping in.
Jane looked around for anything they would need, hoping to find out if she had a will made or at least the contact of someone to call, "There has to be something you left, right Cami? Anything useful," she talked to the open space. Jane frowned looking at the pictures she had on the wall of her and the kids, "You looked so happy, I'm sorry the bastard took that away from you, away from your kids," she sighed. "I don't know how we'll do it without you kid. I'm also very sorry for having to go through your things," Jane ran a hand through her hair and begin hunting more intensely for anything of importance.
"Maura," Cailin turned to her sister going through the kids closet and packing some clothes. "This feels really weird, all of this going on. It feels kind of eery being in her place."
"I know what you mean, I can kind of sense her presence even though I know she's not here," Maura looked through the shoes the kids have.
"I'm not much of a believer of the afterlife, but if there is such a place I hope that she'll be okay that she doesn't find any pain there. Don't you think it's weird when they say they are looking down at you from heaven like, aren't the people up there sad watching us live without them?" Cailin sighed, sitting down on the bed. "I don't know how people find peace with that."
Maura sat down next to her, "Yeah, that doesn't seem like a nice place. I'm sure Camille would much have rather be down here instead of up wherever there is. Death is definitely a mysterious thing, and I deal with death all the time, they do tend to look peaceful though."
"I don't think people who suffer were any sort of peaceful. That's why I don't want to be a doctor, having to do surgeries. I guess both doctors and detectives have a tough job, having to tell the loved ones that someone didn't make it. I am unsure if I want to do it, I know Camille would probably want me to do whatever makes me happy. I think I really need to rethink my career choices, she was always so helpful just talking to me," Cailin got up from the bed. "I think if you and Jane don't mind I'm going to wait outside, I can't do this," she bit her bottom lip, trying to hold back her tears.
"Hey, of course," Maura pulled her into a hug. "She had so much to live for, and I hate how she gotten her life taken from her so soon. Camille was an amazing person and I'm never going to stop missing her."
"Me either, she was too great to have dealt with real life demons," she pulled back before leaving the apartment, with the twins clothes that they packed to put it in the car.
Maura went to go find Jane, she was in Camille's living room, sitting on the couch. Jane noticed Maura enter the room and she looked up, holding a piece of paper. "I found what I was looking for." Her eyes were ready from crying, and Maura sat down next to her to read the paper.
My dearest Jane and Maura,
If you found this paper that means you had to come to my apartment to take care of things. And that means I wasn't able to tear this paper up because well, if you're reading this you know what happened to me. I'm beyond freightened about everything that has been going on, I would have kept you more updated but I wanted you girls to enjoy your honeymoon, you've both worked so hard you deserved that.
I love you girls so much and you make such a perfect pair, I hate that you're reading this, I hate that my twins will be growing up without me in their lives now. They mean the world to me and I hope that they are safe, if anything happened to them then I failed at keeping them safe. The thing I know is that the kids actually have so much family to take care of them now instead of what they had in their first four years of life. They love the hell out of you guys and if they are okay I know that they can stay safe with you, and everyone else who's shown they cared about them.
I know you girls want kids of your own one day, but these kids will need someone to look out for them and I was hoping and praying that if anything happens to me that you would be willing to help raise them. I wish I could see them grow up, but I trust that everything will be okay... eventually. On the back of this paper is a number of my lawyer, person who has my will documents I made about a week ago. He has all the information you guys are going to need for my arrangements. God I can't believe I might not be here and you have to deal with all this sad shit. I have love for both of you and I want everyone to be okay.
And I know if something happens to me Cailin will feel guilty and she won't know what to do with herself. She helped me out a lot and I will always love her even if she moves on without me. She deserves the world and I hope that one day she gets what she's looking for. I want her to be happy, that's all I ever wanted. Give her my love and let her know that I never for a minute hated her. She really was the love of my life and I don't even want to begin thinking about how she must be feeling at a time like this.
But maybe this letter will be for nothing and I'll be okay, wishful thinking right? Give everyone my love and remember to look out for yourselves as well, that's more directed towards you Jane, I'm sure Maura can keep you in check, you guys were always in perfect sync. Soulmates and definitely an inspiration to me and what I think love should be like.
Also in my dresser are the Red Sox season passes that you girls bought for me and the twins to go with you guys to the game sometimes. I hope they know just how much I love them and how sorry I am that I'm gone.
Love Camille
When Maura got finished reading the letter her eyes were glistening with tears. "This is very depressing."
"She knew she was going to die Maura, she had a feeling and I shouldn't have thought things were okay. I really fucked up and there's no going back," Jane clenched her jaw. "God I hate this."
"I hate this too," Maura rested her hand on Jane's knee. "I hate how this is making you feel, I know you want to put all this blame on you, but you can't, it'll just destroy you. I don't want to lose you Jane."
"I know, it's just really hard Maura, and you aren't going to lose me, I promise. Like Camille said you will keep me in check, as long as I have you, just maybe I can handle it," she sighed. "Did you want to call the lawyer? I think I'll go wait outside with Cailin."
"Yeah I'll call and see when he's available to talk to us," Maura offered her wife a sad smile.
Jane nodded and got up from the couch. "I love you Maura, and I have no fuckin' clue how I'd do this shit without you."
"Well you'll never be without me, I promise."
"I'll hold you to it babe," she kissed the top of Maura's head before going outside to check on Cailin. Jane joined Cailin in the car. "Hey, how are you holding up?"
"Wishing I had some hard liquor to chug," she admitted.
"Drinking that sure does sound tempting, my mother thinks it's frowned upon, I swear it's like she doesn't know me at all. It's how many people cope, I think our reasoning is good enough, we lost someone we loved dearly and drinking helps the pain," Jane leaned her head back against the seat. "I still find it hard to believe that any of this is happening. There's always going to be this emptiness inside, and I swear I don't want to feel anything."
"I wish we could feel nothing, but I don't think it would make this any either. I just want all this pain to go away, I messed up Jane... She asked me to marry her the night of your wedding, I couldn't say yes, I couldn't handle the thought of becoming a parent. I turned her away and we ended things. Stuff happened, but eventually me and her made up and we were going to get our friendship back on track and now... now it's not going to happen. I miss her so much and to be honest I don't even know what I want to do with myself. What comes next for me? I'm starting to doubt everything Jane and it just sucks," she wiped her eyes, leaning her head against Jane's shoulder. "Jane, I hate myself for this."
"I hate myself for this too, when she wasn't giving me updates I should have came home right away, Maura would have understood we could have always continued our honeymoon another time. But I wasn't even thinking..."
"Jane, this is not going to go away, the sadness and the guilt we're feeling."
"It's definitely not going to go away anytime soon, but I don't think us blaming ourselves will be any sort of productive."
"How can we not blame ourselves Jane? Everyone else they just don't understand we just always carry this weight on our shoulders, it's who we are. We both should have done things differently but there's nothing we can change now."
Jane wrapped her arm around Cailin, "Yeah, I guess you're right, but I wish we could go back in time. I would have tracked that man down and disposed of him before he came anywhere near her or any of you. I would have protected her with my life."
"I would have done the same thing, I wouldn't have abandoned her in her time of need but I didn't know she needed anything until it was too late. She probably hates me for it."
Jane looked down at her, "I wouldn't say that. She left a letter for me and Maura, she said some great things about you. And let me tell you, she never hated you and she just wants you to be happy. I'm not even sure what she meant by that, maybe you can enlighten me on the whole thing."
Cailin tensed up at Jane's words, "I um... is it okay that we don't talk about that right now. It's kind of unexpected and I am not sure that you would like it."
"We don't have to talk about it right now. She did also mention that she just wants you to be happy so there's that. Whatever you do I worry about your happiness, happiness is often found when you aren't alone, I know it worked out for me and Maura."
Cailin smiled, "You guys are like the best couple there ever was. You never have to feel lonely with Maura, she's amazing like that, and I'm not just saying that because she gave me a kidney and saved my life, but it definitely gives her a good amount of brownie points."
"Yeah, she's the best. I sure hit the jackpot with her," Jane smiled as she seen Maura come to the car. She got into the car and turned to the two.
"I got in touch with Camille's lawyer and he said he can fit us in at noon tomorrow and that he's really sorry about our loss," Maura spoke softly.
"Thanks for making the phone call Maura I don't know if I would have been able to do it without crying over the phone and you know how I hate showing emotions to many people," Jane spoke as she buckled her seatbelt.
"That's what I'm here for Jane," Maura smiled before turning on the car and heading back to their house, the drive spent in silence just like it was on the way to Camille's.
When the girls arrived back to their place Frankie and Frost were there as well, helping Angela with prepping for dinner.
"Where's Hope?" Jane asked as she entered the kitchen, wanting to grab a beer deciding to hold off before Angela said something about it again.
"Well we were helping her with the house and then she had a gentleman come over, she insisted that she would be okay, some doctor guy I didn't ask questions, but she seemed glad he was there," Frankie shrugged.
"I wasn't aware that Hope was entertaining any kind of man," Jane looked over Frost's shoulder to see what he was making. She was tempted to stick her finger in the pot to taste the stew but he tapped her hand away. "God, you're just like my mother," she rolled her eyes.
"I just don't want you to contaminate the food is all," Frost smirked, turning to face Jane. "How are you holding up?"
"As good as I can be I guess. So has my brother been behaving himself?" Jane asked and Frost blushed.
"Of course he's behaving himself, I don't see why you would expect anything less. We did have a talk earlier today while we were cleaning Hope's house, about how we realized how life is too short and all these what ifs and all were holding us back, and well... let's just say I actually think Tommy is okay with it," he turned to the youngest Rizzoli in the living room and waved to him and Tommy smiled back. "See, he used to give me these scowls, but now it's not so tense."
"Well I'm happy for the both of you," she patted her friend on the back. "If Frankie ever disappoints you, you let me know about it, alright?"
"You know I'm standing right here Jane," Frankie put his hands up in defense.
"That's why I said it," she decided why the hell not and grabbed a beer, opening it and looking around for the sight of her mother, when she didn't see her she took a swig of her beer. "Where's Ma?" Jane asked, realizing she wasn't in the house.
"She's in the guest house getting some rest, she was up on her feet more than she should be. I think this pregnancy is taking a lot out of her," Frankie frowned.
"She's doing too much, that's why. She really needs to take better care of herself, God forbid something happens to her now," she huffed, downing her beer.
"Woah, slow down a bit Jane," Frankie looked at her and he knew he shouldn't have said anything.
"I'm tired of people telling me what not to do, this is how I cope with shit, it seems like everyone has forgotten who I am," she went to go grab another beer and turned to them. "You guys got a problem with that?" she asked in a half shout and they shook their heads.
"I um... we just worry Jane."
"Well you need to not, I have a handle on it," she took her beer and left the kitchen, sneaking out of the house so Maura wouldn't notice, and she went to go sit in her car, turning on the radio, sipping at her beer. She closed her eyes and decided to take this time to get some rest, after she finished her beer of course. "This is not as good as the hard liquor Cailin was talking about." She looked down at her keys and sighed, "Don't be an idiot Rizzoli," she groaned as someone tapped on her window, she looked and seen Maura supporting a frown.
"Jane, what are you doing? Can you please unlock the door?" she asked and Jane sighed opening the door and shutting off the music.
"Are you going to lecture me too? And it's not what it looks like, I wouldn't dare drink and drive."
"I know you wouldn't Jane," she slid into the passengers side. "I don't think anyone is lecturing you Jane. They all just worry is all, I'm worried."
"Why do you seem to be handling it better than me? Why do your emotions seem so in check?" she asked, sipping at her beer.
"Someone has to act strong, but that doesn't mean I'm not a mess, I also don't like showing emotions sometimes, you seem to have forgotten," she grabbed the beer from Jane's hand. "We all cope in different ways, you find comfort in alcohol and well it's not exactly what I think is the best approach, but people all cope in different ways, and I am not judging you, you are struggling, we all are."
"Can I have my beer back?"
"I don't know, that depends."
"Depends on what?"
"Depends if you were even listening to what I just said," Maura eyed her best friend in concern.
"I was listening, people cope in different ways and you aren't judging me..."
"And, what else?"
"That you're struggling too," Jane sighed. "I'm sorry. Sorry for questioning how you are taking everything, for not even asking what you've been feeling."
"I forgive you Jane, you are not alone in what you're feeling. Why don't we go back inside?"
"I think I just want to sit in here for a bit, if you don't mind."
Maura shook her head, "Of course not, can I stay in here with you?"
Jane nodded, "Yeah, that's fine. Unless you're going to be holding my beer hostage."
"Will you try not to drink anymore today after this one?" she asked, playing with the label.
"Yeah, I'll try, but I'm not making any promises that it will have much effect," Jane held out her hand and Maura handed the bottle back.
"I'll just have to keep my eye on you."
Jane looked at the beer and up at her wife, "If you want to, I don't mind though, you have the most beautiful eyes," she leaned over the press her lips against Maura's cheek before leaning back against her chair.
"I'm very flattered that you think so."
"You're beautiful in a lot of ways, you know that?" Jane sipped at her beer before putting it down.
"Well, you mind telling me about the other ways? It might get our minds off of what's going on, even if it's just for a little while."
"Okay, but if I go first, you're next if you can come up with something."
"I do have a pretty long list," Maura smiled. "And it keeps on growing."
Jane gave Maura's hand a squeeze before she started telling her everything she found beautiful about her, and Maura returned the favor. They sat in the car for about an hour discussing their lists, getting their minds off of everything, only for a moment.
The next morning approached and Jane observed Maura sleeping in the bed with the twins. She had to be in at work within the hour so that Lieutenant Anthony could talk to her and the case on Dean's death. Jane got ready and left a post it note on Maura's cell phone saying she went to talk to the boss and that she hoped Maura and the twins had a good morning. All Jane had before going in was a cup of coffee and for the conversation she was about to have with the Lieutenant, she would soon wish that she would have had something a little bit stronger.
Jane came into the bullpen with Crowe at his desk, he looked like he was doing some cleaning. "Hey Crowe, what are you doing?"
Crowe looked up from his desk. "Just doing some organizing is all. Good luck with the boss."
"I have this odd feeling that I'm going to need all the luck that I can get. Any Intel you have for me?"
"He's in a better mood than yesterday, but that's because the Feds aren't back this morning yet," Crowe offered her a look and she knew something was up but he obviously couldn't discuss it.
"Detective Rizzoli, I'm ready to see you now," Lieutenant Anthony stepped out of his office and waved her over, Jane didn't like the way he was looking at her. She walked to the man who was standing in front of his desk. "Close the door and please take a seat."
Jane tensed up and did as she was told, he surely didn't look very pleased. She sat down in the chair and he just frowned at her.
"You know, I am upset, upset that I have to deal with this. Being here only a short amount of time and I'm already under scrutiny on the integrity of my team, I was berated by those damn Feds yesterday and I am not pleased. I have no idea what to believe, and I had video proof. Special Agent Dean had hidden cameras set up where he was killed, do you know that?" he crossed his arms and Jane felt her stomach turn. "You can imagine my surprise when Paddy Doyle showed up on the screen. I don't even want to know what the hell he was doing there, but the Feds want to know and I have no idea what to tell them."
Jane tensed up, "We encountered him while me and Dr. Isles were away on our trip, we managed to convince him to go to back to prison. The security guard at the prison can tell you that I dropped him off last night, I know you'll need proof because the video probably showed when he ran off. But it's the facts."
"I'll have to check up on that. Anyways, let's get to the other point, about Dr. Isles..." he frowned. "I know she's a very well respected medical examiner here in Boston, but the tapes don't lie... the moment you and Agent Dean shot each other there was hardly a second gone by when there were more shots, no hesitation. You were in trouble but you had a bullet proof vest on, and you can tell there wasn't any danger for you, but Dr. Isles and Detective Crowe both just shot. It would maybe been different if you didn't have a weapon on you to protect yourself, or if Paddy Doyle wasn't in the building, but things are much different, it questions the integrity of Dr. Isles, she seemed to know where she was shooting, what is the one thing we don't do Rizzoli?"
"We don't shoot to kill, but I was in danger and she was just protecting me."
"And her mob boss father as well, you know what it looks like, right?"
Jane frowned, "Yeah I know, she was protecting a well known criminal, but she was just doing what she thought she needed to do. Protecting her loved ones."
"I understand that, but people will see things differently they'll see a vengeful person trying to make things right. And it doesn't help anyone's case that the video got Detective Crowe cleaning the gun off that Maura used to kill Agent Dean. It makes it seem like my cops play dirty and I don't like that."
"Then may I ask what Detective Crowe is doing here today?"
"He's taking a leave of absense, got suspended, he's gathering some of his things, we're not here to discuss him though. Why were you guys even at the warehouse?"
Jane sighed, explaining the story about Camille's stalker supposed to be there at the warehouse, but he wasn't and it was only Dean. "Did they happen to get that bastard on tape? The one who murdered my friend?"
"Yeah, it seems like he left the exact moment Agent Dean entered the building, we were wondering who that man was, but when he showed up on our table that night for an autopsy we immediately had recognition they were the same person. You were the one who called the body in, were you not?"
"Yes, I was, someone murdered him before I could locate his whereabouts. Both him and Agent Dean got what were coming to them, I feel no sorrow for either of them," Jane shook her head. "What happens now?"
Lieutenant Anthony ran a hand through his hair, "Well, you're not the one getting in trouble for this, especially when your story of bringing Paddy back to prison clears out, but on the other hand..."
"What happens to Maura?" Jane asked, not wanting to hear the answer.
"Yes, what happens to Dr. Isles, that's not something that you're going to like. Just know that my hands are tied on this one Rizzoli, the evidence rules Maura guilty of killing Special Agent Gabriel Dean. And as this investigation continues as the Feds are in charge now, they aren't going to let Dr. Isles come back to work. As of now she's going to need one hell of an attorney because... Dr. Isles' Medical Examiner's license is hereby suspended until further notice and there's a possibility that after this trial and investigation is over that she won't be eligible to work in the medical field, even if all charges are dropped."
Jane stood up angrily at his words, "That is absolute shit."
"I told you my hands are tied, I'm sorry Detective."
"Yeah, well I'm sorry too," she shouted, taking her badge from its clip and slamming it down on the desk.
"Rizzoli, you don't want to do this," he warned and she shook her head.
"Dr. Isles and I are a team, if she's suspended you might as well suspend me too. Good day Lieutenant," Jane scowled before walking out of his office and the building, and at this moment in time she didn't dare look back. How in the hell was she going to break this news to Maura?
Tough situations are underway, our girls can get through this, they can get through anything, right? The Rizzles cuteness though with their cute moment, I just had to add in between two tough situations.
