Cards Against the Crystal Gems

Amethyst read the next question. "Art isn't just a painting in a stuffy museum. Art is alive. Art is _."

They all gave her an answer.

"Art is genuine human connection."

"But what if you aren't human?" Bismuth asked.

"Art is the unbelievable world of mushrooms. I don't think drug-induced hallucinations count as art. Art is horse meat. Art is a saxophone solo."

"Well, that's one kind of art." Pearl said.

"Art is a salty surprise. No one's ever surprised by Pearl's salt, but she is pretty artistic about it. So, I guess we have a winner here."

Lapis took the card.

Garnet was next. "In this paper, I will explore _ from a feminist perspective."

The gems chose their answers.

"I will explore snake people from a feminist perspective."

"It didn't make sense when Renaldo said it and it still doesn't make sense when you say it." Amethyst stated.

"I will explore ambiguous sarcasm from a feminist perspective."

"It's ambiguous." Lapis said flatly.

"I will explore losing your new cell phone in your repressed war memories from a feminist perspective. I will explore sandwich from a feminist perspective."

Amethyst stood up and cleared her throat. "It's delicious. The End." She sat down again.

"I will explore lots and lots of abortions from a feminist perspective."

"Isn't that the default perspective?" Pearl asked.

"Sandwich wins."

"Mine!" Peridot cried.

Pearl drew a new card. "You know, once you get past _, _ ain't so bad."

They each picked two cards.

"You know, once you get past Vikings, a bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans ain't so bad."

"But… we didn't have to get past any Vikings?" Peridot said, confused.

"You know, once you get past an inability to form meaningful relationships, the Kool-Aid Man ain't so bad. I've always found him a bit creepy. He reminds me too much of Frybo." Pearl explained. "You know, once you get past a sea of troubles, Blue Diamond ain't so bad."

"No, she still sucks." Garnet muttered.

"You know, once you get past all my dead sisters, dying alone and in pain ain't so bad."

"Every part of that sounded bad." Bismuth exclaimed.

"You know, once you get past these breasts of mine, full frontal nudity ain't so bad."

Amethyst burst out laughing and Pearl seriously considered hiding under the table again. But as she lowered herself down, Pearl found herself face to face with two dark, fathomless eyes.

With an inarticulate scream, Pearl launched herself upwards and wrapped herself around a ceiling beam, clinging for deal life. "HE'S UNDER THE TABLE!"

The other gems reflexively sprang back from the coffee table. Onion crawled out, looked around at everybody, then calmly strolled out the front door. Silence reigned.

Then Peridot shrieked. "How did he get under there without any of us noticing!?"

No one had an answer.

"...Let's just finish this game." Garnet said at last.

"Pearl, get down here and pick a winner." Lapis said.

"The Kool Aid Man! He's not so bad after all!"

"Cool." Said Lapis, taking the card.

They still, however, had to get Pearl off the ceiling.

"I've got this." Amethyst said confidently. "Hey Pearl, Onion's on the ceiling!"

Pearl fell to the floor and might have bolted out of the house entirely had Garnet not caught her around the waist.

"I promise nothing's going to happen to you. Now come on, there's only a few cards left."

Bismuth hurriedly read the next one. "I went from _ to _, all thanks to _."

They quickly chose their cards.

"I went from a big hole to an ass disaster, all thanks to my inner demons."

"Stupid inner demons always running my big holes." Amethyst said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I went from participating to swordplay, all thanks to being fabulous. I went from cuddling to sudden penis loss, all thanks to a weird guy who says weird stuff and weirds me out."

"Should have trusted your instincts." Garnet said.

"I went from finger painting to mad hacky-sack skills, all thanks to Sapphire."

"Thanks, Sapphire! You're the best." Amethyst said.

"I went from a negative body image that is totally justified to taking the form of a falcon, all thanks to Pink Diamond."

"Did you just spell out my entire life story in card form right there?" Amethyst exclaimed.

Bismuth blinked. "Well, that sounds like a winner to me."

"Ha!" Peridot snatched that card and drew the next. "Oh, the weather outside is frightful. But _ is so delightful."

Pearl absentmindedly hummed the song while she chose her card.

"But being on fire is so delightful."

"Close enough." Garnet shrugged.

"But Connie is so delightful."

"She is quite nice." Pearl commented.

"But crushing the patriarchy is so delightful."

There was general agreement.

"But vomiting mid-blowjob is so delightful."

"I'm sure there's someone who's into that." Amethyst said.

"But free ice cream, yo is so delightful. I gotta go with being on fire."

Pearl got the card.

Lapis picked the next card. "In its new tourism campaign, Beach City proudly proclaims that it has finally eliminated _."

They each gave her a white card.

"It has finally eliminated a mime having a stroke."

"Does anyone actually like mimes?" Peridot asked.

"No." Amethyst answered.

"It has finally eliminated land mines."

"Well that's… good, but why were they there in the first place?" Pearl questioned.

"It has finally eliminated one trillion dollars."

"What we're saying is we're broke, and we really need your money." Amethyst joked.

"It has finally eliminated raptor attacks."

"Only a couple million years behind the rest of the world." Garnet said with a thumbs up.

"It has finally eliminated stupid."

"I find that very hard to believe." Peridot scoffed.

"I pick one trillion dollars."

Pearl claimed another card.

Current Score

Amethyst: 31

Garnet: 36

Pearl: 37

Bismuth: 32

Peridot: 28

Lapis: 28