Someone that Could Save…

Joey Sharkbait

2021

[Soundtrack: "Jesus" by Brand New]

[Sango's point of view.]

The devil and god are raging inside me.

Recurring dreams mirroring that of the few days I was unconscious back at the castle… they won't seem to go away. A noble warrior with the aura of a savior and purity (Miroku), an angelic beauty emanating love and protection (Kagura), and a vile demonic presence that always left me waking up feeling cold and empty (Naraku)… Always the foggy, dilapidated pier, always my father… And then it never fails, I'm back in that bedroom at the castle… Sometimes I can't scream, I can't speak… Until I wake up screaming.

Like this morning.

I chased everyone out of the hut, throwing whatever I could get my hands on. I feel like I am going crazy.

Kagura was the only person brave enough to come back inside. Not even Inuyasha, Kaede, or Kirara would dare venture back to me. Kagura said she could feel my anger. She could feel my hurt. She begged me to get better, to talk, to allow them to help me…

After what felt like hours of tears, sorrow, and light arguing with the wind sorceress, she finally convinced me to say something. Something about her was different this morning—different like the side of her I had only seen a few times, most notably the night she confessed her love and concern for me. Her guard was down, evident in the emotional depths of her ruby irises as she held me in an initial restraint that eventually gave way to a gentle embrace as apathy and exhaustion swept over me.

My mind blanked after I had my fill of cursing and yelling at her to leave me be. When words could finally form and Kagura kneeled before me, wiping my tears, the only string of words I could coherently think were 'She's so pretty…' And wondering why she was so hellbent on saving me… I had to save myself. I've done it before. My whole life…

But it's cold here, alone.

I probably shouldn't…

Kagura had been kind enough to relay my request to our group to carry on like usual, as if I had not caused a scene first thing in the morning. I was shocked when no one tried to fight her on it, even and especially Inuyasha. I was aware Kagura pulled Kagome aside and asked her to come see me in private later. I promised I would at least talk to her. She was becoming quite the healer and priestess, and above all, she was my friend.

I hugged my knees to my chest, wincing a little as I did so. My ribs were still healing, along with the rest of my collection of ailments and injuries… My arm had to be rebroken and reset, unfortunately. On the bright side, my leg was not fully broken, just a minor fracture that was actually healing well, per Kaede.

I reiterate: I would take a thousand broken bones or being buried alive time and time again over this mental hell that I now found myself in. This was the most novel kind of torture. I still did not want to talk. I did not want to breathe a word to anyone. This was my defeat, my shame, and my cross to bear alone.

But Kagura was probably right, however. If I don't let it out, I will let it eat me away. I was already beginning to let my life rot me inside out.

I have friends who care about me…

My brother…

It hit me. Could I really continue to sufficiently uphold my role as his older sibling if I were to stay as bitter, angry, and afraid?

He did fine without me…

No.

Fuck that.

They only want the best for me…

Where do I even begin?

I looked up and Kagome was leaning against the doorway, a somber and concerned look in her eyes.

"Hey, Sango… Kagura said you wanted to talk to me…?"

Anxiety squeezed my insides and I felt light-headed.


Kagome… I've given you all—my gravest words and most shameful confession… and now I feel like I am nothing.

I spared her the more gruesome details of some of my plight. She knew enough and she knew the 'story'. She knew about the initial battles, Rouge, the saimyosho nest, my suicide attempts, Naraku's Northern excursion, how I freed Kagura, Rouge, and Kohaku… She knew about the cell and how I was nearly dead for two to three days. She knew how Kagura took care of me. She did not know, however, of the more intimate details of my experiences with Kagura. I did not see that as pertinent to retelling my trauma and it was honestly something I was not thrilled to have to confess to, either.

Kagome is a good friend.

The best.

She listened. She just sat beside me and held me and listened. Never once did she pass judgment—although I always knew she wouldn't… part of me was still afraid. The high standard I hold myself to… maybe it is too much…

The hardest part of it all was admitting out loud what happened. I don't know how long it took me to summon the courage to say the words…

"Kagome… I was raped…"

I cried for so long after that short sentence. I had never said it aloud. I couldn't. It was as if saying those words and admitting such a crime, such a downfall, would be enough to completely strip me of whatever may remain of my honor, rank, name, and self.

And Kagome didn't judge. She didn't leave.

"Sango, I'm so sorry…"

Tears, silence. For who knows how long…

"You never deserved any of that. It was never your fault."

But I fought so hard… I wasn't strong enough.

"It's not your fault," Kagome reiterated once more, holding me close and running her hand through my hair.

I clung to her and buried my face in her shoulder, crying hard. I felt so ashamed, so weak… somehow, though, maybe I could feel the smallest spark of something… lighter? I don't know, everything hurts right now…

I cried myself to sleep in Kagome's embrace. When I woke up, we talked some more and she made me some tea. We discussed… the future. Mainly, my recovery. In Kagome's time, apparently, confessing one's trauma to a professional therapist is something that may help. I thought of Kaede… I think I could talk to her, eventually. My first reaction at the idea of 'talk therapy' was cynical—I almost laughed inside my head; I would rather take out my frustrations in battle. But, alas, I was still injured and I knew my physical recovery would take a long time, too. Kagome also offered books and supplements from her time. She was really worried about me. I am thankful to have such a caring friend, really.

I gave her my permission to tell Inuyasha and Kaede what happened to me. I would tell Miroku and Kohaku. Shippo was too young to understand. They were my family. I don't know if they had a right to know and maybe Kagura was right in that I do not owe anyone an explanation, but I wanted them to know. I wanted them to help.

I don't want to hurt anymore.


[Kohaku's point of view.]

Somehow, I always knew…

I sat by the stream, listening to the rushing water and trying to process what was just said to me less than an hour ago. Kagome and Kagura came to see me while I was sparring with Inuyasha. Kagura pulled me aside and warned me that my sister had to talk to me about something important.

I was not as young and naïve as people made me out to be. Not at all. But I wish I was, sometimes.

Sango confided in me her gravest confession, verbalized one of her worst fears that had come to life. I cried with her and for once I felt as though our roles were reversed. It was my turn to be the crying shoulder, the protector, the guardian, and the healer. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say.

I know I'm angry. Oh, I'm so far past the point of angry…

There are no words to describe the rage I feel in my heart right now.

The very moment I meet Naraku again, he will surely pay in the worst way imaginable.

The act itself is just… unspeakably cruel and dehumanizing. I felt sick again at the thought… But the aftereffects, the remnants of the trauma… I wouldn't know at all, but from what I could tell, that may be worse. My sister will never be the same…

I partially held blame at first. After a long talk and an even longer crying session, Sango began to convince me otherwise. It would still be a while before I will fully accept that, though… She was always chasing after me, trying to rescue me…

And she almost died. Several times.

The tears came again, uninvited, unwanted, but unapologetic.

I don't know what I would do without her…

I think I understand now, why she was always so angry, so anxious, so hellbent on getting me back…

My reverie was interrupted by a soft, feminine voice behind me, accompanied by a cool breeze.

"Hey."

I turned and wiped my eyes. Kagura stood behind me.

"Are you ok, kid?" She sat beside me, also focusing her gaze on the water. Her voice sounded tired and she looked a little sad.

"I don't know, Kagura," I cleared my throat. "It's a lot to process."

"Mmmhmm…"

She was there for most of my sister's ordeal…

"Thank you, Kagura."

"What for?" The wind demon turned to me, one eyebrow raised in question.

"You helped her," I answered. "You were always there for her."

Kagura allowed herself a small smile. She briefly closed her eyes and then turned away from me once more, staring off across the stream, into the trees. "How could I not be?" Her tone indicated her guard was back up, but only barely. "Sango is a wonderful person. She's the bravest and one of the strongest I've ever met. I just wish she could see that…" A wistful sadness existed in her last sentence.

"She is… and I wish so, too…" I sighed. "Have you told her any of that?"

Kagura's cool demeanor shattered briefly. I swear I saw a glint of panic in her eyes. "I have, actually! Multiple times! I don't think she hears me, though… Or she doesn't take it to heart. I wish she could see herself as I see her…"

Kagura cares for my sister quite a lot…

"You and Sango have gotten really close, haven't you?" I asked.

Kagura's face reddened and she turned away from me. She began fidgeting with her fan; I noticed a long time ago she did that when she was either anxious or pretending to look bored. I don't know why she was so flustered with my simple question.

"Your sister is a good friend, is all!" Kagura's words came out harsh, however, I did not take it personally. "She's… the only one I've ever had, really, I guess…" She sounded softer this time.

Does she…? Nah… Well, maybe… and it's none of my business.

I just want for my sister's happiness. And recovery…

She deserves to be happy.

"Well, Kagura, if it's not too much to ask, I'll be your friend, too." I turned to Kagura and smiled.

The wind witch was noticeably uncomfortable. "Don't get sappy with me, kid!"

I laughed a little and scooted closer to her, just to add some light humor and insult to perceived ego injury. "I'm just saying…"

Kagura rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, thank you for caring for Sango. I'm glad she has you. You have no idea how thankful I am. I know you took care of her."

Kagura's expression softened. "Yeah, well… think nothing of it. It was an honor to fight alongside her and to be able to care for her."

"I just want her to get better and to be happy, Kagura."

The wind demon cautiously put her arm around my shoulders. After her action fully registered with me, I leaned against her.

"So do I, Kohaku. So do I."


[Miroku's point of view.]

"Sango, how are you?" I slowly walked into Kaede's hut and greeted the woman across from me.

"I'm… alright, Miroku. How are you today?" Sango answered me in a soft voice. Her tone was surprisingly tired, almost vulnerable. She sat against the wall, near the back corner of the hut. She hadn't moved much from the bedroll and pile of blankets and pillows since she had returned home to us. I didn't blame her. Her injuries were quite grave.

"I'm decent, I suppose," I answered honestly. I was worried for her… I had been worried since her disappearance over a month ago. I could accurately say her absence may have taken some time off my life. But, she is here now, safe, with us. With me. Grounding myself to the present had become a mighty need since she was taken from us. Meditation barely overcompensated for my worry. I was lucky to have been trained so well in the art.

"Miroku, I… I'd like to talk to you, if you don't mind," said Sango. She patted the ground beside her and moved over a little, gesturing me over.

"Anytime, Sango. It's what I'm here for." I carefully sat beside her, mindful of our proximity to one another. I was fully aware of her apparent discomfort around us—especially myself and Inuyasha. Her outburst the other morning spoke volumes… and I was afraid it would confirm my worst fear.

Sango took a deep breath and pulled the sleeping Kirara into her lap. She anxiously began to stroke the demon cat's fur as she exhaled. "Miroku…" Her voice was shaky and small, so unlike her…

"It's ok, Sango. Take your time. There is no rush at all. And you don't even have to say anything if you do not want to."

"No, I want to… It's just… so hard…" The slayer cast her gaze down, focusing on Kirara. The animal purred happily in her sleep. I was thankful Sango had such a companion to offer her comfort. I had a bad feeling that whatever Sango was about to tell me was not going to be good at all…

"Miroku…" Sango slowly turned to look at me, tears welling in her beautiful brown eyes. "Please don't judge me… Please…"

"I would never… you know that…" I wanted to reach out and touch her so badly; I just wanted to hold her and take away her pain…

"Ok…" Sango looked away from me once more, this time seeming to stare at the wall. She took a deep breath and began her tale. I braced myself for the impact. I don't know if I was truly ready for what I was about to hear.

"Miroku…" she paused once more. She was so tense. I could feel it in her energy and see it in her body language, or lack of. "A lot of things happened at Naraku's castle while I was away… I saw and experienced a lot of things there that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life…" I could tell she was trying really hard to hold back tears. It killed me to see her like this…

"I fought with Kagura and Naraku almost immediately upon my arrival… I don't think Kagura ever wanted to fight me, in retrospect. Anyway…" she paused again and took a deep breath. "The third night I was there…"

Sango unexpectedly turned to face me, her face red and stained with silent tears. "Miroku, I beg of you: Please don't think any less of me for what I'm about to tell you!" She took a deep breath and held her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook with quiet sobs. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around her and comfort her, but I refrained, completely unsure of how she would react.

"You have my word, Sango. Nothing you could say or do would ever diminish my opinion of or feelings for you."

I hope that wasn't too much… too late…

Sango nodded, an action barely visible. She mumbled something into her hands that I could not quite hear. I hoped I didn't hear it correctly…

"I'm sorry; I—I couldn't hear you… forgive me…" I hated asking her to repeat herself. The words clearly tore her apart. I was close to tears myself but kept my composure. I had to. For her…

"Miroku, I was raped."

Her words destroyed my planet.

She wouldn't move, she wouldn't turn to face me at all. Sango sat quietly for a moment and then burst into tears, pulling a blanket up to her face. Kirara relocated to her side and sat beside her, protectively. I felt tears forming in my own eyes and did nothing to prevent the single droplet that fell down my cheek. I could almost feel Sango's pain—the unrelenting, shameful, angry fear that emanated from her being. It broke my heart more than I think anything could.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. I felt useless sitting beside her, silently beginning to cry myself but still trying to keep my composure and stifle my own emotions. I needed to be strong right now. I needed to be calm. I was angry, too. So angry… Angrier than I've ever been, if I could be honest. But displaying that anger would add no value to the current situation.

After what felt like an eternity of sorrow and anguish, Sango wiped her eyes and quietly continued her story. "It… happened more than once… at least four or five times… I don't know…" She bit back tears once more, still avoiding eye contact with me. "I fought Rouge, Naraku, and Kohaku a lot in between… I feel like I never fought hard enough, though… I could never win against him."

"Sango… I'm sure you did everything you could. You're so strong… please don't think otherwise. It's not your fault…"

"Then why do I feel like this? I'm such a failure, Miroku… I'm weak…"

"No… you are not. You are strong and brave…"

"I don't know how many times I almost died." Sango laughed darkly and shook her head. Silence fell between us. "…some of those times, it was almost by my own hand."

Another silent tear slowly rolled down my cheek.

"There were many times where I just didn't want to live anymore… it's terrible. I felt—and still feel and will always feel—so dirty, worthless, horrible… there are not words to describe it…"

I focused so strongly on her, her words, her disposition… I couldn't think too much farther into what she just confessed. I can't imagine this world without her… My world without her.

"Kagura saved me once," Sango added finally. "Maybe a few times. I don't know… she was always there. She always took care of me… I really don't think I'd be here without her, honestly."

I cleared my throat, hoping my words would come out as neutral as I'd planned in my head. "I'm thankful she was there for you. I can't imagine this world without you, Sango."

"I'm sorry, Miroku," cried Sango. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry!"

"Sango, no… please don't apologize…" It was so hard to just sit there and only listen. It was even more difficult to see her hurting like this. Physical comfort or not, it would take far more than a simple hug or prayers to mend this pain that she was feeling. The physical wounds would heal, but the scars on her soul would remain indefinitely.

"After… we attacked the castle… and tried to escape—Kohaku escaped—" Violent sobs wracked her shoulders again. She held up her hand in a fist as if she was about to strike the floor but caught herself, instead angrily grasping at the blanket and leaning forward, tears cascading down her beautiful face. "I'm sorry—I—I can't… I don't want to talk about that again… I can't go back there today…"

"It's ok, Sango…" I took a deep breath and wiped my own eyes. "You've said enough."

I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, daring to scoot a little closer to her.

"Thank you for talking to me, Sango. Thank you for sharing your trauma. I know that was not easy to do."

Sango finally made a motion of almost looking up at me. She nodded weakly and mouthed 'you're welcome' before wiping her eyes again.

"Is there anything I can do? Anything at all?" I asked, trying to hide the desperation in my voice.

Silence fell between us again, although the air felt a little thinner than before.

"I… don't know…" Sango finally answered. "I... I know we never discussed this in detail, but… I—nevermind…"

"No! What is it? Talk to me, Sango. Please." I almost felt guilty pleading with her like this. The poor woman owed me no further explanation.

Sango cleared her throat and leaned her head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. "Miroku… I'm just going to go ahead and say it.. or whatever… I'm sorry, my head is such a mess right now—"

"Please quit apologizing, Sango. Just take your time."

She sighed and the smallest bit of tension seemed to leave her body. "Ok… Miroku… was there ever a chance for us? Like, really…?"

I was taken aback by this question. Of course! Why wouldn't there have been?!

"Of course! Why… why do you ask? I know the last time we discussed this, we agreed to just see what happens…" I felt my stomach forming a knot inside me.

"What about now…?" Her question was so soft, so scared.

"Why wouldn't there be?" I asked, trying to contain my emotion.

Sango closed her eyes and exhaled harshly. "I'm tainted, Miroku. I am damaged. I am fucked up."

"No, you're not—"

"Yes I am!" We made eye contact for the first time since I came to speak with her. I looked away this time. A burning, sorrow-filled rage pierced her eyes. I could see the pain in her soul.

I gave her time and space. Eventually, I dared to speak again: "… what happened to you does not and will never change the way I feel, Sango." I turned to her again, looking into her eyes. "And I'll never think any less of you. As a person, as a woman, as a friend, as a warrior… as someone I love…"

Fresh tears began forming in her eyes. "Miroku…"

"I mean that, Sango. Please believe me."

"I do…"

We sat in silence for what felt like forever. I didn't know what else to say. I said everything I wanted to say; everything I said, I hoped she wanted to hear, to some extent or another. I never meant to impose, offend, or hurt.

"What do you need from me, Sango?" I asked once more. I opened my eyes and turned to face her again. She sat in her place, back against the wall. Kirara was asleep at her side once more. Sango's anxiety seemed to have diminished a little; I noticed she was making more eye contact with me and was significantly less fidgety with the blankets.

"I… I don't know, Miroku. I'm sorry, I don't…" Sango sighed and closed her eyes. She looked so tired.

"Anything at all? Long-term, now, whenever… I only want for your happiness and your recovery."

She was quiet for a moment; I could tell she was deep in thought. The faintest traces of cuts and bruises still existed on her face. But she was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"Is there anything I can do, at all?" I asked again, almost desperate. Say something, say anything… Even if you wish for me to leave; I'll do anything…

Sango slowly turned toward me and slowly inched closer. She carefully placed her bandaged hand on top of mine. I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Will you… hold me…?"

I was shocked at her request but no less honored and inwardly elated. I only wanted to comfort her and protect her, make her feel safe and loved and wanted and beautiful…

"Of course, Sango." I gently put my arms around her and pulled her close. I felt her shoulders tense at my initial touch and my heart fell a little. "Are you ok? Did I hurt you?"

"No…" Sango shook her head and leaned against me. "Sorry…"

"Please don't apologize, my dear. You have no reason to." She gradually began to relax in my careful embrace. I relaxed, too, and enjoyed the tension leaving the area around us.

"Miroku," said Sango.

"Hmm?"

"I… I don't know how long it will take for me to… get better…" She sighed and held onto me a little tighter. "Please just know that I love you, too. I just… I need time, Miroku. It will be a very long time before I will be able to function in any type of romantic relationship…"

She loves me…

I allowed myself to shed a single tear of happiness.

"That's completely fine, Sango. I understand." I planted a gentle kiss on top of her head and took in her scent. Gods, I've missed you so much… You have no idea… "As I said before, I'll wait for you."

"You know I can't ask you to do that. I won't."

"Then don't." I could tell she was finally fully relaxed in my arms. I smiled.

"Sango… can we just 'be', then? And see what happens?"

"I don't see why not, Miroku."