A/N: Requested by anonymous, prompt 38: "All I wanted was for you to be happy." Takes place after Cancel Christmas.


"Deeks, what is this?" Kensi demanded, stalking into the living room and brandishing a handful of papers. Deeks looked completely bewildered and guessed,

"Um, a bill I apparently forgot to pay?" Kensi made a frustrated noise and shoved them into his hands. Almost immediately, his expression changed to one of recognition. "Oh."

"Yes, 'oh'".

"You weren't supposed to see this," Deeks said, sounding dismayed.

"I was looking for some of my clothes and imagine my surprise when I found a letter-addressed to me-that starts out with an apology," Kensi said, surprised that she was able to keep her voice under control at all.

"I can explain-"

"Oh you better explain to me why this looks like you were planning on confessing everything to Whiting!" Closing his eyes briefly, Deeks blew out a short breath.

"After I was arrested, before you told me that you knew I killed Boyle, I started thinking that maybe I should tell Whiting the truth. For a while I just wanted have it done with so…I started writing this," he explained with a shrug. For some reason, that simple gesture infuriated Kensi. How dare he treat this so casually?

"Oh my god, Deeks. I can't believe you would do something like this. After all we went through to get Whiting off your back. Right now she has nothing to prove you were involved with Boyle's death."

Kensi rubbed a hand over her mouth, shaking her head.

"All I wanted was for you to be happy," he muttered quietly, staring down at the letter.

"What the hell does that mean?" Kensi asked, thoroughly confused. "I am happy, or I was up until 10 minutes ago."

"Kensi, this thing is always going to be hanging over my head. And now that you know, it's become your problem too. I don't want that for you. You deserve better."

Kensi made an incredulous noise.

"Don't you think I should have a say in it? I mean, we've talked about moving in together, Deeks. I think I deserve to know what you're planning on doing and not have to find out through a letter I found purely by accident."

"I wasn't sure I could face you if I went through with it," he admitted, refusing to meet her gaze.

"So you thought you'd just give me this and I'd be fine with it? You have to know I wouldn't just accept it without a fight," Kensi said, her voice low with repressed emotion. She held back a shudder at the thought of Deeks going back to prison. Seeing him in that holding cell had been awful enough. To the best of her abilities, she would make sure that never happened again.

"I don't know what I was thinking," Deeks blurted out, grabbing at his hair. "I mean, it's not like I even had it all planned out or anything. I didn't even finish writing that letter."

"But you wrote enough," Kensi said. "It's enough that it exists at all. Did you even think of what would happen if anyone found this?"

"No," Deeks admitted quietly. "I just needed to get the guilt out in some way."

"Oh Deeks." Kensi sighed, feeling some of the fight leave her, and sat down beside him. "I can't make that guilt go away, but I'm always here to talk. And I'm always going to have your back, no matter what." Deeks smiled bleakly and absentmindedly took her hand in his.

"That's what worries me," he said sadly. Kensi grasped the back of his neck and pressed her forehead against his.

"You are not a bad man, Deeks. You're one of the best and kindest that I know. I need you to realize that. And to realize that I love you and I have never regretted being with you. So don't even think about letting me go for my own good," she whispered fiercely. She felt a shudder run through Deeks' body and he wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into her neck.

"Just promise me that next you're feeling like this, you'll come talk to me." She paused to kiss him gently and added, "And promise me that you won't write anymore letters like this."

Deeks chuckled, the noise slightly wet sounding.

"Deal," he agreed, continuing to embrace her. He rested his head on her shoulder and let out a long, sad sigh. "You know this, the stuff with Boyle and Whiting, is never going away, right?"

"I know," Kensi said calmly. But damned if she wouldn't do everything in her power to make sure that it stayed hidden where it belonged.