Alright. Craziness with work is letting up, so what do you say to some more frequent chapter posts?
This next chapter is more of an epilogue to Part III. More chapter notes at the end.
Chapter 32:
No Regrets?
Walter was ok, but that didn't mean he wasn't struggling.
Walter sat beneath the night sky, his legs overhanging the side of a brick, featureless building as he sat atop it. It had only been a day since his team reached him, and brought him back to himself.
No, since Paige reached him.
He remembered every moment of when he suddenly felt nothing after Megan died; a blissful, yet terrifying nothing.
Things were not blissful anymore, as the pain of Megan's death was almost too much to bear. But because of Megan, Paige, and his team, he wasn't terrified anymore, either.
Even so, he felt the pang of regret as he recalled the events of the last few days. He had told Paige the truth when he said he hadn't meant to flip that switch; to block out everything. To feel no pain, or much else, for that matter. He had been aware of everything, but he just didn't care. He knew what he had done. He knew it had been wrong to block everything out, he just didn't care enough to switch everything back on.
Or…even though he had been incapable of fear, a deeper part of him had been terrified of the feelings he drastically escaped from.
Walter let out a sigh of frustration. He honestly didn't know which it was. He supposed it didn't really matter.
Now that he felt again, it was as if the absence of his emotions, then their return, now made him aware of how much he did feel, even before his change. He compared it to if someone had taken away every sound, whether loud or slight, and left him in total silence. Then when the sound returned, he was aware every sound so much more.
Recent events were forcing him to recognize a feeling he had long been ignoring, but knew had been there for years. With his recognition, didn't necessary come clarity, however. The words of his sister echoed in his mind.
"I can't say I'll understand what you might go through someday, but don't let fear keep you from making those human connections. I don't want you to have any regrets. If you don't have any regrets, no matter what happens, I think you'll be surprised at how much life is still worth living, no matter how long you're in it."
Walter hung his head. His heart ached with the loss of his sister. The pain of her passing was like a black hole in his chest, constantly making it difficult to draw breath.
But draw breath he did. One breath at a time, he continued living, and feeling.
To continue living…possibly for centuries…potentially millennia.
Baring any supernatural influences, or his own demise, he could outlive everyone he cared for.
Everyone he…loved…
His thoughts focused back on that feeling he knew he must face. Now obvious, and impossible to ignore, was his true feelings for Paige.
He loved her.
He now fully accepted he was in love with Paige, and had been for a long time.
She had been so angry with him. He remembered the look of utter betrayal as she slapped him. He remembered being little more than annoyed by her feelings at the time. Now, the memory of the pain he caused her, and his reaction, or lack thereof, sickened him.
He had never been one to care for the feelings of others. His work with Paige was improving this, but he still felt taking time to consider what others felt could interfere with his work.
He was starting to understand why Paige urged him to…what was the word? Empathize, with people.
Feelings could be so strong.
All at the same time, he was feeling his love for Paige, the loss of his sister, and his regret for hurting Paige.
His regret.
He again thought of his sister's words. "I don't want you to have any regrets."
He knew what she was referring to. He wasn't a complete idiot when it came to emotions, but he had to wonder. What would be the greater regret?
If he acted on his feelings, he could hurt Paige again, in more ways than one. He had already hurt her, and it was killing him thinking about it.
Walter looked down at his hands. He felt himself breathing faster as memories started overtaking him- memories of how he had recently hurt Paige.
*"Fine! Throw away everything we've worked for!"*
*"Walter! Stop! You're killing her!*
*"Your blood, kid! Give her your blood!"*
*"Don't scare me like that again."*
*"You're breaking my heart…"*
Walter squeezed his eyes shut to try and block out the memories. He let out a yell as his hands clenched into fists, then he violently slammed his right fist into the ledge beside him. The stone shattered beneath his blow, small pieces tumbling over the edge and falling to the alley below.
Walter continued to breath quickly as he stared after the receding pieces of rubble. He forced himself to take a long, even breath before removing his uninjured hand from the small crater now beside him.
After a few moments Walter looked up. The roof he sat upon was across the street from Paige's apartment building. He knew she was asleep. The lights of her window had been dark for some time.
His sister died not wanting him to have any regrets. She wanted him not to ignore his feelings, and to be true to who he was.
But what if there was risk of more than one regret? What if he could end up regretting more being with her than not being with her?
What would be the greater regret?
Walter looked up at the sky. He didn't quite know why. He didn't believe in the superstitions of spirits ascending into some paradise after death. Yet it seemed logical somehow when he spoke his words.
"I understand, Megan, what you meant."
He looked back down and glanced at the darkened window of Paige's apartment. He stood up upon the ledge, and continued.
"I will keep my promise to you the best I can. I'm not afraid of who I am, and I will be true to myself. I won't ignore, or be afraid of my feelings any longer. You were right. Life is too short to ignore what I feel. Thank you for making me face myself."
He paused before finishing what he meant to say, although a part of him was wondering why he was talking out loud. Megan couldn't hear him.
He continued, somberly, shaking his head. "But… I can't risk her. To me, hurting her would be the far greatest regret. I'm immortal, she is not. I will care for her, and keep her close, but, we are…just not meant to be."
So Walter swiftly turned away and jumped back into the night. To him, he saw no other way things could be.
What he couldn't have seen was the figure now standing where he had been not moments ago. The figure watched after his fading form with a look of annoyance before letting out an ethereal sigh.
If Walter had still been there, he might have heard the faintest sound of the figure's single word before fading away.
"Dummy…"
Yeah, I'm a little mad at Walter here, too. Honestly it's just not time yet for him and Paige to get together. There are some scenes coming up that were just too good that require them to not quite be a couple yet.
Also apologize again for the shortness. How about a nice long chapter tomorrow to make up for it? ;) I will need at least a couple reviews though first.
Next up: Part IV: I, Walter
