32 – Jack

I am so proud of Ianto I can't put it into words. I just keep looking at him and wanting to squeeze him to death against me in the vain hopes he seeps into my chest to see how my heart beats for him. Listen to me… sappy city. Christ, I had no idea love could make you ache like this. His pain and upset is so raw I am bleeding too.

I want to help but I don't want to get in the way. It's a nervous and unpleasant thing for both of us as lawyers talk, paperwork flows and the court case draws nearer. They were all served. The idiot Social Worker who should have researched the client better, said client arsehole bastard cunt face…. Ianto's sperm donor. And of course… the woman who brought up together and it seems finds every occasion to remind us that not everyone is built for love.

Unfortunately the legal system can be an arse. Case in point… bail. Bail with conditions that do not include electronic monitoring like we have petitioned for. Fuck it all.

Until the matter is done with we are at the Holiday House. I prefer it as Ianto is comforted more with the memoires there. They no doubt know where we are no matter which house we are at. The kids are happy of the break and Ianto is a kind teacher with the school work the school is sending usually done by two with a lovely big lunch period before just the one lesson which is usually something sporty so I can do it. Then it can descend into chaos and he feels he controlled things still. Important that. Control. He feels so little right now that I am trying to give him space to take it back. I also know he is looking to me so in some areas I have taken it for all of us and I see the relief as I talk to those on the phone, I arrange meetings and I say no a lot. Each time he hears me firmly saying we are not taking visitors right now, I see that soft smile for a moment before his nerves kick in again. Limited contact with the outside world, only those who matter.

Of course… Mama thinks I mean everyone else… rolling up now and then with treats for the kids and plonking herself down to complain about the neighbours hose left running or some shit. Ianto does tend to her with glee, keeping busy a major thing for him and as I watched him fuss this morning it struck me. His mama is gone. Long gone. Mine right here. I watched the way he smiled at her, let her take his hand as she told him about a sale on for handbags in town and realized he was not just enjoying her company…. He was enjoying a Mama. I cannot imagine losing mine. OK she is entitled, opinionated and a narcissist all on her own. I do think she could have been a Rhiannon had my Dad not been such a rigid man who still slaps her down now and then. Gray is like her. Had he been like Dad things might have worked to for him.

Toshiko is a rare gem and she also has been out with school work for the kids and time for Ianto to fuss on someone new. She sat and nodded, listening to him as he poured out his insecurities, did not judge and told him he is a wonderful Taddy. Thing I tell him all the time but to hear if from someone else always helps.

Then, the real reason why I chose this house. She has put in the security system that is top notch, Ianto so pleased with it as he walked around looking up at all the cameras with interest. I was not sure if he would be happy, cameras in every room… bar bathroom and our bedrooms… but the doors to said rooms are covered. Also outside covered up the wazoo. Instead he was pleased with it, the bank of screens in the spare room that is now a 'command room' as Ianto is calling it with a cheeky grin, shows the entire property, even in the trees. No one and nothing can approach without it being recorded and when within a certain range we will get a soft ping on our phones and live feed. No alarms, he was strong on that. No alarms, no scaring the kids.

I agreed to that, he was right. We have try to keep this as normal for them as we cal. Luce and Giles coming at the weekends with their sweetlings so Ianto can have Baby Time while my daughter laments how unfair it is that she can't be here with us. I explain that her mother would be so sad without her. Lucia is again thankful as I defuse things without placing blame for anything. After all, I am lucky I have visitation as I was not the top notch partner for her that I am for him. I know that too. I was an arsehole in my marriage, not really understanding that the love we have was not enough. Not like this. Not like the slow burn Ianto created in my gut that lingers, a kiss renewing those flames of passion. Now… I regret a lot of things.

But not this. Not this moment, this life. This man.

OK… the other reason I chose out here is the place is a large open area and easier to defend, easier to see in the dark and less places someone can sneak up. Of the two properties, this one out here is safer right now. I also have some weapons around the place hidden… just in case. Anyone comes near my family and I will defend. I will fucking decimate. Ianto knows this too, not asking about my furtive looks in some cornered or nightly checks once he is in bed as I love guns to a more accessible place if need be in the dark. No, he just holds me in the dark, clings to me.

The baseball bats by each exit door did make him chuckle though.

I half pie hope the old prick does try something.

So I can shoot him.