A/N: Happy Sunday peeps!
In truth, Emma wasn't entirely thrilled at the prospect of having dinner with Kathryn when Regina recalled the conversation. While she said nothing to her wife that night on the phone when the brunette informed her about their dinner plans that upcoming Saturday, Emma stewed in her thoughts for the rest of the week. It was only after their therapy session, when the two women were driving together back to their family home, that she decided to voice how she felt.
"So, can I say something to you?" Emma asked as they drove.
Regina glanced across the centre console at the blonde whose tone and posture told her Emma was tense about something. "Of course, my dear. You can say anything to me any time. Communication, right? Didn't our therapist just commend us on exactly that?"
It was true. Archie had once again remarked on how clearly the two women communicated. Their therapy session had been focused predominantly on Emma's new schedule of regular meetings with the GA group, discussing how she felt her journey was progressing as well as inviting Regina to comment on how she was feeling with regards to the way Emma spoke about her addiction. It had been a good session. A positive one. And one which had impressed Archie too. They had left his office hand in hand, smiling at one another, both recognising that they were on the right path. So for Emma to ask permission to speak shocked Regina slightly. She thought they were past that; past the point of keeping secrets from one another.
"I know but I don't want to say something which will make you mad," Emma said, an attempt to justify why she was hesitant.
Again, Regina looked sideways at her wife, eyes still trained on the road as she drove. "Emma, darling, just tell me what you're thinking, please. You know I'd rather you be honest with me, whatever it is you're going to say, than keep something from me. Honesty is more important than us always agreeing on every subject."
"It's about Kat, though," Emma replied. "She's your friend. I guess, I don't know if I have the right to say what I want to say."
"Emma, you've known Kat almost as long as I have. She's your friend too. Just because I'm closer to her, doesn't mean I have the monopoly on the friendship. And after everything which happened last week, I think you're entitled to an opinion. So, please, go ahead. I promise I won't be angry."
"You can't make that promise. You don't know what I'm going to say," Emma pointed out.
"Unless you're about to declare that you have a plot to murder Kat when she comes over for dinner tomorrow night, I'm sure I won't be angry," Regina reasoned.
Emma let out a low chuckle. Ok, perhaps what she was going to say wasn't as bad as planning a homicide. She was still nervous, but now she'd voiced the fact that her thoughts existed, she knew she had to plough forwards and speak her truth.
"Fine. Look, I know I said on Monday that it's fine for Kat to come over. And I'm not saying it's not fine. She can come to dinner, of course. She may be a friend of mine but she's closer to you and if you want her to come, then she's coming. That's fine. But I just have to say that I've not forgiven her yet. I know you have and that's amazing. You're clearly a better person than I am, which I don't think was ever in doubt and -"
"Emma," Regina admonished, interrupting the woman's self-criticism.
"Whatever, anyway, I'm just saying, I'm still a little bit mad. Not like crazy mad. Not murder mad. But I'm not ready to let go to what she said to me. What she said to you, actually. I'll break bread with her. I'll even help you cook if you give me a simple task which won't mean dinner is ruined if and when I mess it up. But I'm not ready to forgive her yet. At least, not without having a frank conversation with her. Is that ok?"
By the time Emma had finished explaining how she felt, Regina had pulled the car onto the driveway. Emma's own vehicle remained in the college parking lot. They'd collect it over the weekend. Or on Monday morning, if the previous weekend was anything to go by. Regina killed the engine but made no move to get out of the car. Instead, she reached over the console and placed her hand gently on Emma's knee.
"Do you want me to cancel tomorrow evening?" she asked softly.
"No," Emma said at once, her own hand covering Regina's. "I know you want her to come. She's welcome. And truthfully, I've been thinking a lot about this all week and I reckon seeing her will help me to start to get over what happened. But like you said, being honest is super important and I just wanted to make sure you knew where my head was at before tomorrow night. But she is welcome. I know I can't avoid her forever. She's your friend. She's my friend too, I guess. But right now I suppose our friendship needs a bit of work."
Regina squeezed Emma's thigh before turning her palm over and lacing their fingers together. "Thank you for being honest with me. And Kat will understand. She knows she hurt us both and she wasn't expecting either of us to forgive her. It's going to take time. And to be honest, it'll probably take me some time to get back to the dynamic we enjoyed before all this happened. But we're on the right path. And if and when you're ready to have that sort of friendship again, I know Kat would be grateful to have you in her life. But there's no pressure, from either of us, ok?"
If Emma was nervous about the dinner, Regina saw the same emotion on her friend's face when she opened the front door the following evening. She greeted Kat with a warm smile and a hug before taking the bottle of wine and a large bouquet of flowers. While it was customary for them to bring drinks to one another's houses whenever they had dinner together, the flowers were unusual. Regina didn't say anything, however, other than admiring the beautiful display.
"Emma, Kat's here," she said as she entered the kitchen having taken the woman's coat in the hallway.
The blonde, who had been carefully measuring out ingredients for the salad dressing, stood up from where she'd been crouched to gain the most accurate reading on the measuring jug and placed the bottle of olive oil on the side. "Kat, hi," Emma said with a smile which didn't quite reach her eyes. "How's your Saturday been?"
"Busy but good thanks," Kat replied. "How about you?"
"Henry and I went for a cycle ride this morning which was great until I fell off," Emma replied, holding up her hand which had been expertly bandaged by Regina who had commented that at least now she had a conversation starter for that evening as she'd wrapped the crisp white fabric around Emma's grazed palm.
"Ouch. Rather you than me. I never learned to ride a bike."
"What?" Emma looked aghast at the notion.
Kat shrugged. "I grew up in the city. There weren't many places to cycle and my parents never taught me. Then by the time I realised it was a life skill I was missing, I felt like I was too old to learn. And let's face it, on a day to day basis, my lack of cycling prowess doesn't hold me back."
"True but cycling is great. Although Regina probably wouldn't have minded not learning. You haven't accompanied us in years, have you?" she added as Regina walked up to her and slid her arm around her waist, having placed the flowers in a vase on the table where they'd eat dinner in due course.
"I couldn't keep up with you by the time Henry was seven. I figured it was something the two of you could enjoy together."
Emma smiled down at Regina and kissed her lightly. Whether the public display of affection was meant to signal something to Kat, Emma wasn't entirely sure if she was honest with herself. The gesture felt right but when she looked back at their guest, she could see the woman was wrestling with saying something.
"Wine?" Emma said, a little too loudly. She wasn't ready to have whatever conversation the evening would bring just yet. Alcohol would help, however.
Regina sprang into action at her wife's suggestion. "Yes, good idea. Kat brought that red we both love. Would you like a glass of that, a white wine or a beer, Kat?"
"Red wine's perfect, please," Kat replied.
"Emma?" Regina asked, knowing her wife would probably prefer a beer but always liked to have a wine or two when they were entertaining. She had once said to Regina that it made her feel more refined, even if she wasn't too keen on the drink itself. This comment had been years ago and Regina had laughed at the woman's confession before assuring her that she didn't need to try to be refined and was welcome to drink whatever she wanted. But Emma had always continued to feel self-conscious in social settings because she knew her drink of choice was not seen as classy, sophisticated or even feminine. Plus, when set alongside Regina in any situation, Emma felt less than in each of those categories compared to her wife. And she was fine with that. But nevertheless…
"Red wine for me too, please," Emma replied. "Kat, there are some nibbles on the table if you're hungry. We're a little way off eating, right babe?"
"About twenty minutes," Regina nodded, setting about pouring out three glasses of wine as requested. "Here you go, Kat. Take a seat."
Kat did so, sipping her wine once she was sitting at the table before taking an olive and cube of manchego. She watched as Emma held out the finished salad dressing for Regina's inspection. Emma had never been a natural cook and although she liked to help out, Kat knew from experience seeing the two women together that she needed validation that she had indeed completed each culinary task correctly. She used to find it endearing. No, scratch that, she still did, as she saw Emma beam with pride as Regina declared her dressing perfect.
"So, this is nice," Regina said as she settled down beside her friend, having been assured that everything was cooking as desired and would be ready in due course.
"It is," Kat replied. "Cheers."
They clinked their glasses together before turning to Emma who had wandered over too and taken the seat opposite the other women. "Cheers," Emma echoed.
The trio sipped in unison before falling silent. Regina was waiting for Emma to speak, understanding from a previous conversation that the blonde wanted to clear the air as early in the evening as possible. And knowing Emma as well as she did, Regina suspected the woman was summoning the courage to voice her misgivings.
"Emma, can I say something quickly?"
Regina looked at her friend, not entirely surprised that it had been Kat to break the awkward silence. Emma was far more capable of sitting in a brooding space than most people she knew. Regina could barely manage ten seconds of silence before needing to make polite small talk. Kat, it seemed, was the same.
"Sure," Emma nodded, relief sweeping over her that she hadn't had to be the one to broach the subject first and keen to see what the other blonde wanted to say to her.
"I'm sorry for how I spoke to you last week. I'm sure Regina told you about my father but I felt I needed to apologise to you personally. I was reacting from a place of pain and it had nothing to do with you. I shouldn't have lashed out like that. You didn't deserve it."
Emma took another generous swig of her wine before answering, allowing herself some time to process the words. It was, she mused, the perfect opening. "Well, thank you for saying that. Although, I do think your reaction was partly to do with me. It might have been influenced by your experience with your father but I know you were just thinking of Regina. And let's face it, clearly I wasn't when I started gambling again. I appreciate what you were trying to do. You wanted to protect your friend and I respect that."
"Thank you," Kat said quietly. "That's very gracious of you."
"But," Emma continued quickly. "I need you to know that I'm not like your father. I never intended to hurt Regina or Henry. My family is what motivates me every day to fight against my addiction. And yes, it is a fight but it's one I am determined to win every day for the rest of my life. I love Regina. You know that."
"I do," Kat nodded. "I've never seen a couple so in love. It's sickening really."
Emma and Regina both chuckled, neither denying what the other woman said. It was true; their devotion to one another was enough to make stomachs churn in a mixture of nauseatingly cute disgust and envy.
"Well, then I guess it just hurt me all the more when you tarnished me with the same brush as your father," Emma said soberly. "If you can see how I feel for Regina, how could you possibly think that I'd treat her the same way your father treated your mother? We're different people. Yes, I fucked up and I know you were there for Regina at that time and I am grateful for that but I hope you never doubted my love for her."
"I don't now, but I did then," Kat replied simply. "Those days after you left, the way Regina was, yeah, I doubted your love. I didn't doubt Regina's love for you. She was heartbroken; I could see plain as day that she loved you otherwise the separation wouldn't have been so painful. But I did question your love for her. Just in the same way as I didn't believe my father loved my mother. Because we don't do things like that to people we love."
There was suddenly a cold note to Kat's words. Emma felt it. So did Regina. The brunette glanced between the two blondes, wondering if she needed to intervene. Emma seemed to be collecting herself before replying. Regina silently prayed that the woman would be able to keep her cool, although she would also understand if she didn't, since Kat's words must have stung.
"I get it," Emma said eventually. "I'm nothing like your father, Kat. I would never do what he did. But I can't deny there are similarities with our behaviours. Addiction does that to a person. It makes your worldview so narrow that all that matters is the next bet, the next drink, the next score. Whatever it is, that thing consumes everything and nothing else matters. So yes, last year I did hurt Regina the way I would never dream of hurting her but that wasn't me, that was my addiction."
"Your addiction is a part of you," Kat shot back.
"It is," Emma replied slowly. "And it always will be. But Regina and I are working together to ensure I never get back to that place. I can spot the signs. Regina is here for me. We're working through this and yes it will always be a cloud over our relationship but maybe that's a good thing. I got complacent before; I thought I was fully recovered. Now I know I'll never not be an addict and I have to work the program every day. I'm willing to do that. Regina is willing to help me.
"I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused in the past but as Regina's friend, I think you need to accept her decision to forgive me and be supportive of her. This isn't easy for either of us and I am more than aware that it's tough for Regina too. The thought of her having a friend like you to talk to is reassuring for me. But you need to be on our side. You need to be rooting for me, for us. And last week, well, I guess we both felt like you were against us. Regina's had a conversation with you but I suppose I still felt I needed to say something after the way we spoke in your office. So, yeah, that's what I wanted to say."
She finished with a shrug before reaching for her wine. Kat took several sips of her own drink before answering, fingers playing with the delicate stem of her glass as she struggled to find the words.
"I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. To both of you," she added, shooting a shy smile at Regina who nodded her encouragement. "I know you're nothing like my father, Emma. I know you want to change. I know you'd do anything for your family. And I suppose most importantly, I know you make Regina happy. As her friend, all I want is for Regina to be happy. So of course I'm on your side. And, again, I truly am sorry."
"I get it," Emma replied. "You believed you were being a good friend. And I'm so grateful to you for your friendship with Regina. But now I think we both need you to be on board with our new path."
"I'm on board," Kat replied. "Whatever you guys decide, it's your relationship. I'm here as a friend, to both of you, by the way, and I'm not passing judgement. Except for how adorable you two are, can I say that?"
Emma laughed, the tension which had filled the room since the conversation started dissipating at once. "You can. Thank you. We are adorable, but I think it's mostly Regina. She's just too cute."
"Cute, huh?" Regina smirked. "Let me go and get the starters while you two keep flattering me. Another drink by the way?"
Kat nodded her agreement to that, her wine glass almost empty, while Emma asked for a beer, having had enough wine for one evening. As Regina got to her feet, she whispered a quiet, "thank you," in Kat's ear before shooting a soft smile to Emma.
The blonde beamed back at her before popping an olive into her mouth and asking Kat how her spring term syllabus was panning out at the college.
A/N: I just lost my cat for an hour as she explores the new neighbourhood. It's so nerve wracking! Luckily I heard her bell tinkling outside the front door (god knows how she got there, I let her out the back!) and now she's snuggled up in front of the woodburner. Cat life!
