Chapter 32- Sometimes, there just aren't the words
The sound of distant rumbling awoke me from my sleep. I had crashed out in my old bed in Autobot quarters, not willing or wanting to head back to our apartment. I wasn't sure why all my stuff was still here as I had moved out well over six months ago, but I was grateful it was. I sat up in my bed and rubbed my face. The unmistakable sound of the Globemaster's engines roared through the skies. I felt my stomach assaulted by millions of butterflies /Chase! Prime! They're back!/.
I jumped out of my bed and ran out to Relda, heading back to the hanger as quickly as possible. I wanted to be there to see them land and be ready to greet them all. Pulling up out of the way, I stood back near the hanger, watching the plane bank and prepare for landing.
As the large aircraft inched its way closer to the ground, my heart suffered obligatory palpitations as I waited nervously for the wheels to make contact with the tarmac. A second later, the puffs of smoke rose from the ground and I closed my eyes in thanks. The aircraft taxied back from the end of the runway and I felt myself growing nervous in anticipation of seeing Chase, Prime, Lennox and the others and a little worried too.
My stomach knotted up as the plane came to a halt and the large rear cargo door began to open, like a large metallic mouth about to spit out its contents. I started to walk slowly towards the plane, my arms wrapped around me again, my eyes darting here and there, willing to rest upon the faces I loved and cared about.
Epps and Lennox came into view along with a handful of other soldiers from N.E.S.T walking down the ramp with their rifles raised against their shoulders, emotionless looks on their faces. I stopped in my tracks.
Something was not right.
Lennox and Epps saw me, and they paused momentarily in their descent of the ramp. Lennox closed his eyes briefly and Epps looked to the heavens. Something was definitely not right; my stomach was now one large knot of anxiety and I felt bile rising in my throat. As Lennox and Epps walked up to me, I saw Prime and the others roll down the ramp, Prime towards me, the others towards the hanger – in silence.
I felt tears begin to sting my eyes and I closed them rapidly, batting them away. /No… no…no… no/ the mantra started. I felt a wave of icy fear wash over me and wrap around my heart, constricting it until I could not breathe. I gasped as Lennox and Epps stopped in front of me.
''OC, I…'', Lennox started to say, his voice raw with emotion and his own eyes starting to water. He reached out for me to pull me into a hug. Epps, standing beside him reached out to place his hands on my shoulders, the sound of muffled sobs coming from him. ''OC. Chase he's, gon..'' Lennox started to speak the words, but I would not hear them, I couldn't.
I closed my eyes tight as I felt my world crumble around me. ''No.'' I whispered at first, as I shook my head. "'No… no… no… no… no…no… no….'' I muttered the word over and over as if the repetition of that one word alone would somehow reverse what had been done.
I began to feel myself start to sink to the ground, vaguely aware of Prime transforming behind Lennox and kneeling down before me. He was just a large blob of red and blue and silver.
Epps tried to comfort me by squeezing my shoulders tighter, trying to give me what strength he had left and hold me up, ''I'm so sorry OC there was noth…''
My eyes flew open, tears streamed down my face. ''NO!'' I screamed the words with utter vehemence and disbelief. In the same motion I shoved Lennox and Epps away from me with enough force to send them to the ground.
Prime tried to speak to me, ''OC, please, let me help you,'' he reached out his servo imploringly towards me.
''LEAVE ME ALONE! DON'T COME NEAR ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!'' It was as though I was having an out of body experience and I was watching some mad woman scream at the people she loved. Prime's servo stilled, and his helm flinched at the utter despair and anger in my voice. ''This isn't happening… this isn't happening…'' I began to mutter again. I was almost hyperventilating. My chest hurt, it ached, I could hardly breathe, I began to back away from them on shaky legs.
Lennox and Epps were back on their feet, slowly trying to move towards me again, their hands outstretched in a gesture similar to someone trying to calm and then capture a wild animal.
''Shh… OC, it's ok… it'll be okay… please let us help you, PLEASE,'' Lennox's voice was pleading with me, his face pained.
The primal urge to ''fight or flight'' began to kick in and I cast my eyes around me wildly. I had to get away. Away from them, away from here, away from the pain. It hurt so much. ''Okay?'' My voice found its way out of my throat somehow as I continued to back up, ''Okay? Are you FUCKING serious? HOW THE FUCK CAN IT BE OKAY LENNOX!'' I screamed incredulously at him so loudly my throat felt it would bleed. I turned on my heels about to run - when I saw it.
The coffins.
Draped in American flags being carried with great respect and reverence down the ramp. I brought my hand to my mouth to stifle the silent scream that emanated, and I closed my eyes as tears cascaded down my face. I dropped to my knees and collapsed forward onto my hands, my shoulders shaking in great, heaving sobs. /Chase/.
As I crouched there, swallowed by my grief, I slowly became aware of the presence of another kneeling nearby. A familiar presence. Not trying to touch me, just offering silent support as time seemed to stand still. A deep, rumbling voice drenched in sorrow and regret broke my bubble of pain momentarily. ''OC, I am so very sorry. I haven't the words, but know I am here for you. Anytime, anyway you need.''
I raised my head, my eyes red and swollen, my face wet with tears. All I saw was the coffins. /Which one are you in? Where are you?/ I stood on shaky legs and started to move towards the coffins, ''Chase? Chase?'' I could hear myself calling out plaintively. ''Where are you?''
The men carrying the coffins all stopped and lowered them gently to the ground, some of them crying themselves and wiping at tears. I started looking around frantically, touching them all, ''Where is he Lennox? WHERE IS HE? I CAN'T SEE HIM! I NEED TO SEE HIM!"
Out of nowhere I felt Lennox wrap his muscular arms about me and pull me close, holding me tight, ''Oh OC, don't, please,'' he begged, his voice trailing off, thick with emotion. I could feel him holding me tight at the same time trying to pull me away from the morbid scene. For a moment I allowed my head to rest against his chest and I sobbed out loud, ''It hurts… Lennox it hurts SO much!'' I brought my right hand up to clutch at my heart.
His hand clasped the back of my head and he pulled me against his 6' 4'' inch frame, ''Oh OC I know, I know. Please, come with me, let us help you.'' I was suddenly very aware of everyone looking at me, Autobot and human alike, in pity, in sorrow, in shared pain. It was more than I could bare.
''NO! Leave me alone!'' I shoved him in the chest and pushed away from him. I ran. I ran blindly to the one place I felt I could go and release all of my pain. The adrenaline and pain surged through my body allowing me to ignore the burn in my legs as I sprinted towards my destination.
I was panting heavily, tears blurring my vision as I tore through the tree line and towards my little grassy beach. As I reached the white sand, I threw myself down on the ground, onto my knees, I threw back my head and howled to the heavens a sound of shear despair and pain. I repeated this several times, punching the sand as the last desperate scream passed my lips.
I collapsed to the ground and lay there, sobbing, my hand raking through the soft, white sand, as if trying to claw my way out of this abyss I was falling into. /Chase… come back! I need you! Don't leave me!/. I curled myself into the foetal position, trying to keep all of my pain, all of my memories of Chase, from escaping. I lay there, sobbing until I had nothing left, no tears, no feeling - nothing. Closing my eyes, I succumbed to darkness.
OPTIMUS P.O.V
As I saw her crumpled form laying on the sand, my spark ached and twisted in my chassis. I paused momentarily in my approach, torn between wanting to back away and leave her to her grief and wanting to surge forward, pick her up and hold her to my spark and soothe away her pain. I closed my optics in indecision, clenching and unclenching my servos by my side. After a beat my pedes started to move again, very slowly towards her. My spark had made the decision for me.
My own internal systems scanned her, assessing how she was feeling. The last thing I wanted to do was bring her any additional pain or discomfort. I knew exactly how she felt, I have lived it for many millennia now. That gut wrenching, soul shattering moment you know the other half of your spark is gone. The anguish, the pain, the anger, the regret, the self-recrimination, the bitterness, the darkness, the eventual acceptance and the lingering shadow of pain that attaches itself to you – she will come to know these very well.
/At least she has the opportunity to openly mourn and grieve - she doesn't have to cast her grief aside and internalise it in order to save her race and survive/, the jealous thought teased, and I angrily silenced it. OC needed a trusted and loyal friend, now more than ever. Whether she knew it or not, accepted it or not. Allowing my own jealousies, weaknesses and insecurities to creep in and take hold was both inexcusable and unacceptable. For her, and for Chase, I would notallow it.
As I cautiously approached her small form, huddled in on itself as if it could somehow offer protection from the emotional assault, my scans indicated she was asleep. /Likely overcome with exhaustion and shock/. I knelt down carefully beside her and looked at her. Her face was twisted in pain and her hands clutched at her chest as though trying to wrap around her heart and either stop it beating or soothe it. I ex-vented softly. /Oh, OC! I wish that I could take this pain away from you/.
As I knelt there looking at her, my processor flashed back to Shanghai and the devastation and carnage. We had lost a lot of men there, Chase one amongst them, and while each life lost weighed heavily on my spark, when I heard from Lennox about Chase, the weight of his loss threatened to crush me. I knew what this would do.
He had been in the front line searching for Demolisher, the Decepticon scum who had wrought so much death and destruction before I gladly, and thankfully, ended his miserable life. Anger flashed in my optics and I felt my servos clench. Chase had died doing his job, brave and true, a loyal soldier to the end. There was nothing anyone could have done, though I had spent almost every second since going over what I should have done differently, what Lennox should have done differently, but the answer always came back to mock me – nothing. There was nothing we could have or should have done differently. It is simply the way it is.
All those men, Chase included, were seasoned soldiers, trained and ready to face difficult and challenging situations, accepting the dangers that came with the territory and job description. /It simply is the way life goes when you are a soldier in the field fighting a war/, the rueful thought flashed through my processor. That knowledge doesn't lessen the pain or grief but, eventually, it helps you understand and accept it. OC stirred. /Well - most of the time it does/.
I heard her whimper in her sleep ''Chase… No…. Don't leave me… I need you''. Her breath hitched and my spark clenched again in shared recognition of pain. I tentatively reached out my servos to try and scoop her up and carry her back to the med bay for Rachet to sedate and check over. If I had to collect half the beach under her in an effort to not wake her, then so be it.
I carefully scoped her up, my precious cargo, and when I saw she had not stirred, I held her to my chassis wrapped in my servos. If I thought for a moment I could have protected her from all that was to come, I would have held her like that forever, but I knew that was not possible.
Closing my optics briefly as I held her against me, I made a silent promise to Chase /I will protect her for you, keep her safe from harm and watch over her. I will lay down my life for her, as would you. I will care for her as long as the sun and the moon endure, you have the word of a Prime/. Opening my optics, I glanced at OC once more, her features seemed more relaxed and she had curled up against the warmth of my chassis.
I allowed the smallest of smiles to grace my dermas as I started to walk towards the Med Bay and the awaiting Rachet. We were all in for a terrible time as we dealt with the fallout of Shanghai. I had a meeting with Lennox, the JCS and Morshower that I had postponed while I dealt with more important matters, that ''matter'' now cradled in my servos.
There would no doubt be repercussions from the carnage of Shanghai, and what that would mean for N.E.S.T I was unsure. The warning that Demolisher gave before I ended his life also came back to me in a chilling wave. /This is not your planet to rule. The fallen shall rise again/. What that meant I was unsure as with the cube's destruction much of our history was lost with it. The reminder of that loss sent a new wave of sadness and pain through me. I had a feeling it did not bode well, however; I pushed the feeling down as I approached the Med Bay and a waiting Rachet who looked as sorrowful as I had seen him in some millennia.
'How is she Prime?'' Rachet asked as I walked through the doors towards the human sized berth awaiting OC.
''About as well as can be expected old friend given the circumstances. She is asleep, I fear she is emotionally exhausted.'' I gently placed her on the bed and stepped back to allow Rachet access to tend to her.
Rachet carefully and deftly administered a sedative, ''And likely shock too. Any wonder. This sedative should put her under for the next 8 to 12 hours to allow her to rest.'' Rachet stood back and looked at OC. ''I am amazed that she was able to contain her powers during that ordeal, I fully expected her to level everything in her path, the fact she didn't is a testament to her skill and strength,'' Rachet finished with no small amount of pride.
''OR,'' I continued, ''shock. I don't think everything has fully sunk into her yet. When it does Rachet, you will know. We all will.'' I intoned gravely.
Rachet simply nodded his agreeance. ''Well for now, let her sleep. She will be out to it for a while so go, attend to your ''meetings''. She will be here when you have finished.'' He turned to face me. ''I would say to you to go and get some recharge yourself but I know better than to come between you and someone you care about so deeply,'' Rachet allowed a knowing smile to play at his dermas.
I simply stared at him blinking my optics, processor racing. /Did he know? How did he know? Was I that obvious in my actions and manner around OC? /Then again, Rachet is one of my oldest friends/.
Rachet simply clasped my shoulder strut and urged me again, ''Go Prime, they're waiting. I'll watch over her and keep her safe. You have my word,'' and with that he turned to go about his duties.
I blinked my optics once more and then glanced down at OC, silently sending her support, before I turned and headed towards Hanger 1 and the awaiting maelstrom.
