He made his way to the back of the bar, keeping his head low. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to try and talk to him. Just get in, get out, get what he needed. There was no time to think. If he allowed himself to think, to feel, he might be paralyzed forever.

"Remi! Haven't seen you around here in ages," called out Maddy from behind the bar.

He stopped in his tracks, sighing deeply. He turned around and walked over to her, plastering a smile onto his face.

"Hi Maddy. I like the new hair color," he said, nodding towards her bright green spiky hairstyle.

"Aw, thanks!" she responded loudly over the music.

She had already grabbed a glass and was pouring a generous amount of vodka into it. She slid the drink over to him without bothering to ask if he wanted it.

"On the house," she said with a wink. "You bring your hot boyfriend tonight?"

He stared down at the glass, feeling the weight of it in his hand. More than four months clean. Even longer than that since his last drink. He gripped the glass but did not bring it to his lips. That wasn't what he had come here for.

"He's busy tonight. You seen Jack around?" he asked Maddy.

She grimaced at the name. She'd never been a big fan of Jack. He was a little too friendly with her. Still, he provided a service that she and many of the patrons benefited from. She pointed in the direction of the bathrooms. Remus nodded his thanks and headed to where she indicated, leaving the drink behind.

He rounded the corner and came face to face with Jack leaning casually against the wall just outside the men's room. He stood up straight and opened his arms in a friendly gesture when he spotted Remus.

"Hey, man, long time no see," he said in his cockney accent. "I was starting to think you'd left me for another man."

"Very funny," Remus deadpanned. "Can we just get this done?"

"Alright mate, you're clearly in a shit mood but no need to be rude about it."

Remus just stared expectantly. He had no desire to engage in banter. He just wanted to get out quickly.

"Fine. You after some H, I assume?" asked Jack.

Remus nodded. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small plastic baggie containing brown powder. He handed it over to Remus, who passed over cash in return. Jack had opened up his mouth to make some quip or another, but Remus turned and walked back out into the bar before he could get a word out.

He gave Maddy a quick wave as he passed and made his way outside without another word to anyone. He disappeared into the nearby alleyway, from which a loud crack was heard only moments later.

He could barley bring himself to cross the threshold into his- no, Sirius'- empty flat. This was not his home anymore. He had until he left for his mission in three days to pack his things, ready to move out as soon as he returned from Annabelle's commune. He had no idea where he was supposed to go.

He stepped inside, flicking on the light and gathering all the gear he needed. He tried not to hesitate. There were a million thoughts all swirling through his brain and he was doing everything in his power not to grab hold of a single one of them.

As Remus laid out the sheet of foil he saw Marlene roll her eyes at him, flashing a sardonic smirk his way and calling him an idiot.

As he sprinkled the powder he saw a glimpse of a possible future, back in the worst of the packs he'd been to, only this time it wasn't a mission, it was his life.

As he lifted the foil and grabbed his lighter, he saw James and Peter slamming doors in his face, telling him he was dead to them.

As he reached for the piece of paper he rolled up into a straw, his hands were bright red, coated in Oliver's blood. 'Run,' he mouthed, only this time it was Lyall who lay dying in front of him.

As he inhaled the smoke, he heard Sirius repeating again and again, 'I can't do this anymore.'

And then, slowly, it all faded away. He thought of nothing. He floated somewhere high above it all, peaceful, warm.

He didn't remember passing out, but when he woke up sun was streaming in through the window. His mouth and head felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. It had been a long time since he'd been knocked out so quickly and so thoroughly. He realized his tolerance was likely not what it used to be and he hadn't adjusted for that. He thought he would feel okay about this. It's not like he had a life left that was worth being sober for. He'd ruined all that. Still, he felt that shame deep inside him that was an oh so familiar companion.

It took a while for him to register the high-pitched ringing that was piercing his brain. At first he thought it was coming from inside his head, until he realized it was actually the phone. There was only one person that could be, and it was unlike Lily to use the phone unless it was urgent. He desperately didn't want to talk, but he was honestly surprised that anyone was reaching out. She must know what he'd done by now. She must hate him for it. They were all going to hate him for it. What could she possibly have to say to him?

Remus hauled himself up, almost doubling over and throwing up before he could fully get to his feet. He stumbled over to the wall where the phone sat in its holder. He was unsteady on his feet. He grabbed hold of it with shaky hands.

"Remus! This is the fifth time I've called this morning, I was going out of my mind," she said, and he could hear her tension even over the phone. "Remi, love…" Lily trailed off. "I don't know what to say. The timing of it all, it's just too much."

"S'alright, Lil," he said with a slight slur, still groggy and a little out of it. "I'm the one who fucked up, it's not your problem."

"That's not why I'm calling," she said hesitantly. "Remus, you sound- are you… I know things are bad right now but if you've… if you're struggling, I understand, but I need you to get it together. You can't do this right now. We need you, alright? Me, James, and Harry. You've got to clean yourself up because Dumbledore is coming to the house tomorrow for a meeting and we want you to be here," she said, sounding on the verge of tears by the end.

Remus sat up straighter, suddenly very alert as he felt his insides go cold. If Dumbledore wanted to meet with them, it was unlikely to be anything good.

"What's happened?" he asked urgently.

"It's Harry. Voldemort is after Harry. I can't explain it over the phone, but you need to be here tomorrow, alright? You've worked so hard these last few months, please don't let this get out of control. Not now. I can't handle it-"

"Hey, Lily, it's okay. I'm alright. I'll be there, I promise. I can come now," he offered, already getting up to his feet.

"No! No, thank you, I wish you could, it's just… It's best if you come tomorrow for the meeting."

"Oh. Of course, with Sirius there…"

"Yeah. He knows you'll be here tomorrow. He just needs some space," she said sadly.

There was an awkward pause. Remus twirled the phone cord around his finger anxiously.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he said lamely.

"Good. At noon." She paused a moment. "I love you, Remi."

"I love you too, Lil. It's going to be okay."

The phone clicked and Remus stood there, just listening to the dial tone play out. Harry. Voldemort was after Harry. It didn't make any sense. He was just a baby. What could the most powerful dark wizard in the world want with a sweet little baby? It was absurd.

The phone slipped out of his hand and swung into the wall with a clatter. His whole body was starting to feel weak and numb. The all too familiar sensation that he might be dreaming a horrible dream washed over him and his breathing came in short, sharp bursts.

How much more did they all have to endure?

How could he have let himself fuck up so badly?

He looked over to the coffee table where the remnants of his failure sat out in the open. Lily knew. She had heard it in his voice. She had called him because she needed him and he had only been able to show her how weak he was. Stupid. Fucking stupid and selfish. After everything they'd all done to help him get clean. After everything he'd put them through.

He strode quickly to the coffee table and grabbed the remaining heroin, then made his way purposely to the kitchen. He opened up the baggie and tipped the contents into the sink before turning on the tap and watching it all wash down the drain.

It was just a slip. A mistake. He could do this. He could get his shit together and be there for his friends. His family.

Even if it meant having to face Sirius again. Having to face the pain he'd caused.

Remus was the last of them to arrive at Godric's Hollow. The only one they were waiting on was Dumbledore, though he had hoped the meeting would already have started by the time he got there.

When he stepped out of the fireplace, the whole room was silent. James and Lily were sat on the couch with Harry between them, both holding him tight. They seemed jumpy. On edge. He didn't blame them.

Remus hadn't slept a wink. That fear, that all encompassing fear, was the only thing that had managed to penetrate the numb void that had descended upon him. He could only imagine how James and Lily must be feeling.

He felt himself stop breathing as he caught Sirius' eye. He was standing in the kitchen next Peter, who leaned over and whispered something in his ear before looking over at Remus. Sirius smirked bitterly. James and Lily were both looking between them, as if worried they were going to start dueling. The tense silence was finally broken by Harry, who yelled out "Hi Moo" a couple of times while waving his hand up and down at him. He was just starting to learn names, but not enough to get both syllables of his nickname out.

"Hi Harry," Remus said awkwardly, waving back.

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically from the kitchen. "Yell out when Dumbledore's here," he said to James before heading upstairs without acknowledging Remus.

Remus stood there uncomfortably, not really knowing what to do with himself. He hadn't spoken to any of them about what had happened, but it was obvious they all knew. Truth was, he had no idea why James would even want him there. He was sure that was all Lily's doing. She was a far more forgiving person than he deserved.

After a moment, James stood up. "Don't you dare try and sneak off before we get a chance to talk," he said to Remus with a grimace. He gave Harry's shoulder a small squeeze before heading upstairs after Sirius.

Peter turned around and busied himself with making tea, not offering any sort of greeting. Lily looked up at him sadly for a moment before patting the spot next to her on the couch. She grabbed Harry and put him on the ground.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go help Uncle Wormy make some tea?" she said gently.

He obviously didn't understand, but when she turned him around in Peter's direction and gave him a small pat on the back, he happily waddled off. Peter smiled down at him as he arrived, clutching at his pants. He lifted him up and started talking to him quietly about different kinds of tea, still not looking in Remus' direction.

Remus sat down beside Lily. He was stiff, uncertain. He was completely caught off guard when she hugged him. After she broke away, he looked at her blankly.

"How are you holding up, love?" she asked quietly.

He didn't even know how to answer. In the last day since Lily's call he had been doing exactly what Sirius had asked him to do. Packing up his possessions. Removing all signs of himself from the place that had been their home.

When he wasn't packing, he was likely on the terrace smoking, staring down at the pavement below and wondering if his future held anything worth sticking around for. He wasn't distraught. He wasn't panicked, or sad. He was just empty. Completely empty. He'd ruined everything and there was nothing he could do to change it, but he had things to pack and a mission to prepare for.

He had friends who needed him to be functional. Who had more to lose than he ever had. He kept picturing Marlene's funeral. He kept picturing the Potter's lying along side their other fallen friends.

"I'm fine, Lily. How are you? What is Dumbledore doing to keep you safe?" he asked with some urgency.

"It's okay, Remi. He has a plan. We're going to be safe. He should be here soon to discuss it. We wanted you all here, to be a part of this," she said reassuringly, though he could still hear the fear that lingered beneath her calm words.

"We?" he asked skeptically.

"We as in James too. I know what's going through your head, and you need to stop it now. We love you and you're a part of this. I won't pretend it's not hard and at some point I would very much like to hear what you could possibly have been thinking to do what you did because I really don't understand… But we've lost too many people. I can't handle it if you start pulling away, alright? I need you here," she said, anxiety creeping into her voice. "You have to keep it together and we have to be here for each other, all of us. Harry needs us-"

"Hey, Lil, it's okay," said Remus, pulling her into a hug as she started to slip into a full-blown rant. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

Peter looked over at them from the kitchen, Harry still in his arms. He was quiet. Thoughtful. He held Harry very tightly. He looked away again as Lily pulled back, wiping under her eyes, a little calmer.

"You look a complete mess," she said, changing the subject. "When was the last time you slept? Or ate?" She paused a moment. "When we talked on the phone... Remi, how long has that been going on? Sirius said you were clean when you... I mean, it's been months. I thought you were handling it. Even after Marley and Dory you seemed to be in control," she said, tearing up just a little at the mention of their friends.

He was acutely aware of Peter listening from a distance, even as they kept their voices low. He didn't blame Peter for not wanting to speak to him, but he knew that anything he said would be reported back to Sirius.

"Lil, I was just tired yesterday, alright? Nothing else. You don't have to worry about me," he said, taking her hand.

She stared at him a moment. Her face fell and she gripped his hand tighter.

"You're lying. You just don't want to upset me."

He looked down. He hesitated for a moment, then sighed. "It was a one time thing. It all just got a bit much. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

She reached up and put her hand on his cheek. "Oh, love. We're going to make it out the other side of this. All of us. Somehow," she said gently, to herself as much as him.

He stood up. It was all just too much in that moment. Her warmth, her affection, her fear. The longer he sat with her, the harder it was to keep it all down.

"Bathroom," he muttered by way of excuse.

She seemed to understand and didn't question him as he made his way to the stairs. He glanced at Peter as he walked. They locked eyes for only a second before Peter looked away. He tried not be too hurt.

By the time he was up the stairs he felt like his head was spinning. He made his way to the bathroom, hoping to splash some cold water on his face and try to catch his breath a little. As he made his way up the hall, he overheard voices coming from the spare room, where Sirius was undoubtedly staying.

He could hear James speaking in hushed tones, followed by Sirius, who seemed to have little regard for his volume. He paused as he got close enough to make out the words. He knew he should walk away, but he felt frozen in place at what came out of Sirius' mouth.

"I told you he shouldn't be here," hissed Sirius. "Peter agrees with me. Who knows what else he's been lying about!"

"You're being paranoid, Pads. I get that you're angry and you have every right, but this is Moony we're talking about," whispered James.

"You don't even know the half of it, Prongs. The people he's been associating with, I think it's getting in his head. Why did you even need him here? I thought you were on my side!"

"Of course I'm on your side. If you want me to tell him he's a selfish git for what he did then fine, but he's still a Marauder. This, what's happening right now to my family, is too big. I need you with me. All of you. I get that you're hurt but you're starting to sound deranged and I need you to put your breakdown on hold until I know that Harry and Lily are safe," said James sternly.

There was a pause. Remus could feel his heart racing.

"Fine. We can talk about this later," said Sirius.

He heard the footsteps coming towards the door and snapped out of his daze. He raced to get to the bathroom in time, but he had only managed to get the door half opened when Sirius burst out into the hallway. He gripped the handle and squeezed his eyes closed tightly for a moment.

Sirius stopped abruptly when he saw Remus standing with his back to him. After a second Remus turned around. They stared at each other. James appeared over Sirius' shoulder, a few steps back. He watched on tensely.

Sirius looked as if he were about to speak. To level some accusation or defamation.

After a beat he just shook his head and left, making his way back down the stairs. James stayed in the doorway, looking over at Remus with an expression that he couldn't figure out. When he spoke, it seemed forced. Stiff.

"He's angry. He doesn't mean half of what he says," said James, not even bothering to ask if Remus had overheard.

"And the other half?" asked Remus.

"The other half you absolutely fucking deserve."

Remus folded his arms over his chest, leaning back against the doorframe behind him.

"I know," he said softly.

"Do you? You're supposed to love him. I don't understand. Why would you do that to him?" asked James, and he sounded genuinely lost.

"I do love him. I don't… I don't know why I do most of what I do," said Remus, shaking his head helplessly.

"Yeah, that much is bloody obvious." James ran his hands through his hair a few times. It was a complete mess. He'd obviously been repeating the action all day. "Your timing couldn't be worse. I'm pissed at you but the current circumstances dictate I have to tell you I love you and need your support, so it's hard to do what I should be doing to make you suffer right now."

"If it makes you feel better, I don't need anyone's help but my own to suffer immensely," he joked, though his tone was hollow.

James stepped forward until he was standing right in front of Remus.

"Promise me one thing," he said very seriously. Remus nodded. "Don't try to top yourself. I know that's not very tactful of me but I really don't have the time or energy to dance around this. Whatever stuff is going through that messed up head of yours, you are staying with us. I'm not burying another friend, even if he is a self-destructive idiot. Do you hear me?" asked James forcefully, taking half a step closer and jabbing his finger at Remus' chest.

Remus nodded, not knowing how else to respond. He couldn't even bring himself to offer a denial, a reassuring white lie that the thought had never crossed his mind.

"Say it. Say you promise."

"I promise," whispered Remus.

James nodded. He moved like he was about to walk away, but he paused. He reached out and pulled Remus into a brief but tight hug. "I'm still furious at you," he whispered. Remus just hugged back. James pulled away, heading for the stairs. When he was at the top of the stairway, Remus called out. James turned his head, listening.

"It's going to be okay, Prongs. Lily, Harry, you. You're going to make it through this."

James nodded, then headed down the stairs.

They were all gathered in the living room as Dumbledore explained the situation. Lily, James, Sirius, and Harry were all piled onto the couch while Peter took the armchair. Remus was standing back a bit, arms folded, careful to keep his eyes on Dumbledore and away from Sirius.

A few times he thought he'd noticed Dumbledore's eyes flicking between Sirius and himself with interest, but he made no comment.

They all listened intently as Dumbledore explained the details of the plan. The Fidelius Charm. Remus had heard of it. It was what protected Order headquarters. He had no idea just how much went into making it happen until now. At the moment, the Potter house was guarded by several high ranking Order members using incredibly powerful magic, including Dumbledore himself. As soon as the charm was complete, they would no longer need so much of the Order's resources. More importantly, they would only have to rely on a single trusted person to keep them safe, reducing the chances of information leaking to Voldemort.

This is the part where the conversation started to get tense.

"As I have previously stated," said Dumbledore pointedly, "I am more than willing to take the role of your secret keeper."

"No," said James firmly. "We appreciate the offer, Professor. Truly. We are going to stick with the plan we've discussed."

Sirius put his arm around James protectively, a look of fierce determination on his face. Remus' eyes widened as he realized what was happening.

"It's going to be you?" Remus asked Sirius in shock, speaking before he could stop himself.

The whole room turned to face him. This was the first time he had spoken since coming back downstairs.

Sirius was staring daggers at him. "Of course it is. Do you think I shouldn't protect them?" he asked furiously, eyes narrowed.

"No- I- I only meant..." Remus took a breath, acutely aware of all their eyes on him. "They'll come after you. You're the first person the Death Eaters will look at-"

"Let them. I'll die before they get to Harry," spat Sirius.

"Nobody is going to die!" snapped Lily.

"Sirius will have his own protections," assured Dumbledore calmly.

"Not that it's your business anymore," said Sirius coldly.

Remus didn't respond. He stared down at his feet and shoved his hands in his pockets. The room was silent for a moment before Dumbledore spoke again.

"James and Lily have insisted that all of you be a part of this. It is imperative, given the danger that you all face as known friends," he said looking at Remus, Sirius, and Peter in turn, "that you are all acting with the utmost caution. I cannot overstate the seriousness of this situation. Now is not the time to be rash. Now is not the time to be divided," he finished.

The three of them glanced at each other quickly before looking back at Dumbledore and nodding.

The meeting ended soon after. With the plans in place, the Fidelius Charm set to be performed in just a few days, there was nothing more for them to do in the moment. Dumbledore said his goodbyes and departed with Order business to attend to. Remus would be seeing him again in only twelve hours to prepare for the mission and finalize the details of their approach with Annabelle.

It felt so wrong. Leaving them like this, in such an uncertain, frightening time. He also couldn't stay. Not while Sirius was there. Sirius wanted him out of his life and he had no right to force his presence on him now.

He approached James and Lily to say his goodbyes. He knelt down in front of Harry first and gave the increasingly sleepy boy a gentle hug and kiss on the top of his head. He then turned his attention to his parents.

"I have to go. I have a mission to prepare for," he said.

"Of course," said Lily, pulling him into a warm embrace.

When he pulled away he looked at them both a little desperately. He didn't pay any attention to Sirius and Peter, who had once again separated themselves in the kitchen and were watching the exchange.

"I don't have to go on the mission. I can stay. Join the others outside to help keep guard," he offered, wanting to do anything other than leave them.

"Dumbledore wouldn't be sending you away right now if it wasn't important," reasoned James. "We'll be okay, Moony. You heard the plan. It's all going to be okay. The mission always comes first, we understand that."

Remus nodded. James hesitated a second, flicking a guilty glance towards Sirius before following Lily's lead and hugging Remus. They held each other very tightly for just a few moments before separating.

The three of them exchanged goodbyes. Remus made his way to the fireplace, grabbing a handful of Flu Powder. He threw it in and stated the address of the flat. He was just about to step in when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

He turned around and came face to face with Sirius.

They stood there awkwardly in the green light. Sirius seemed to be trying to formulate words. Like he had a thousand things to say but couldn't find a way to say them. Remus just waited.

"Look after yourself out there," he said eventually.

His tone was a little begrudging. Quiet. Uncomfortable. Laced with hurt and fear and all the things Sirius always tried so hard not to show beneath that seemingly boundless reserve of anger. Underneath it all was something Remus recognized, seeing the first glimmer of it since stepping into the house.

There was love.

It was hard to see it through all the mess that lay between them, but it was there. It was still there and Remus felt the tiniest hint of hope.

"You too," replied Remus.

Sirius nodded a single nod before turning away. Remus stepped into the flames.

The mission went better than he anticipated. Annabelle had been almost amused when he had first returned and revealed his true purpose to her. She didn't seem interested in Dumbledore's proposal, but she was interested in the situation. She allowed Remus to stay, agreeing to hear him out with no promises for the future. All this on the condition that he would stay in a room in the main section of the compound where she stayed. He was not to interact with the other members of the community under any circumstances. She didn't want him spreading his ideas.

He didn't see Andy. He didn't know if he was glad for that or not.

They were a week and a half into the whole ordeal and she had finally agreed to meet with Dumbledore personally. It had taken no small effort to get her to agree, and the effort had revolved more around appealing to her curiosity than her concern for the cause.

The meeting was set.

Remus was caught off guard when Dumbledore showed up outside his temporary bedroom with a soft knock at the door, two days early.

The second he opened it and saw the look on the Headmaster's face, Remus felt his stomach drop and his heart flutter violently.

He could not place Dumbledore's expression. It was unlike anything he had ever seen on the man. Something about it had every instinct in Remus screaming at him to slam the door in his face. To not hear whatever words were about to come next.

"You're early," said Remus. "Why are you early?"

"I have come to tell you that this mission is no longer necessary. The war is over, Remus. Voldemort is gone," said Dumbledore, and Remus felt something rise up inside of him. The war was over. This is what they had been fighting for. This is what they had been dying for. So why did Dumbledore sound so thoroughly, overwhelmingly tired?

He'd never heard him sound tired like this in all the years he'd known him. Remus didn't ask questions. He simply stared on, waiting for Dumbledore to explain. He didn't understand. How could it be over just like that? Why would he come to tell Remus that personally?

"Remus," said Dumbledore, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm afraid..." he faltered. He had never heard him falter before. "I'm afraid I have something to tell you."