A Change in Plans
An ATC for "The Foundling"
by Lilyjack
Chapter 44
"Showdown"
A giant of a man sat on the front porch step of a robin's egg blue cottage on Lindell Boulevard, feeling uncharacteristically ill-at-ease. His squinting, ice-blue eyes scanned up and down the block for the hundredth time, searching for any signs of the home's owners. Matt Dillon needed to have a talk with the lady of the house.
He patted his pocket and felt inside, making sure the cashier's check was still there. It was the final payment new owner Hannah Cobb owed Kitty for the purchase of the Long Branch. Matt recently learned from Mr. Bodkin that Kitty had agreed to let Hannah pay in installments, interest free, since Hannah didn't have all the cash up front. It had been Kitty's desire that the business should pass to another woman. Female business owners were few and far between in this man's world, Kitty used to say, and Matt imagined she wanted to pass her torch, to have another woman take her place at the iconic bar in Dodge City. For as long as Matt had known Kitty, she had always had a heart of gold and a desire to help others. Lending a helping hand to a prospective new business owner would be just like Kitty Russell.
It'd been a discrete discussion at a quiet table in the Long Branch early one afternoon last week that had precipitated Matt's journey to St. Louis, resulting in him anxiously sitting on Kitty's front porch. Matt's unlikely conversational partner that day had been none other than Festus Haggen, wiping his perspiring brow with a wadded-up bandanna, complaining vociferously about the August heat and his own dreadful thirst. Matt had sighed long-sufferingly and called to Floyd at the bar to bring Festus a beer.
Festus had been drinking that cold beer, nattering on about a potential chicken thief out south of town, or maybe after all it was just a fox in the henhouse, and then how the price of eggs at Delmonico's had gone plumb sky high as a result when the bewhiskered deputy noticed Matt's unfocused gaze. The big marshal was staring toward the bar at the matronly Miss Hannah wiping down the bar top, polishing glasses, and counting whiskey bottles.
Matt had started when Festus called his name for the third time. "Matthew, you ain't no more a'listenin' to me than the man in the moon. Didja hear what I jes' said?"
Matt absently rubbed a thumb over his lower lip, murmuring, "Chicken thief?"
"Nossir, I done tolt you about that more'n five minutes afore. I was just a'sayin'… well…" Festus' voice trailed off as he examined his old friend's expression. He cast his gaze sorrowfully into the beer he cradled between two calloused hands, and his nasally tone gentled as he asked, "Maybe this hyere ain't none of my beeswax, Matthew, but…did Miss Kitty ever answer yer letter? I couldn't help but notice she didn't mention yer name none a'tall in that letter she writ back at Christmastime."
Matt looked down at the hands he clasped on the tabletop. He quietly admitted, "No, Festus, I reckon I didn't leave much for her to say to me. She's probably upset, mad as hell maybe."
"Yessir, she did sound a mite put out, even though the words in her letter was nice." Festus hazarded a quick glance up at Matt before returning his intent gaze to his beer. "Well, have ya' sent 'er another letter, maybe sayin' as how you was sorry-like how things turned out an' all?"
"No, Festus." Matt took off his hat and threw it on the table. "No, I don't think she wants anything to do with me anymore."
"Now, Matthew…" Festus' eye had squinted doubly hard at that instance, an expression of determination had crossed his scraggly face. "I don't think Miss Kitty would ever feel that way about nobody. I do b'lieve she'd 'preciate hearin' from you, seein' as how you was always the most special thing in her life."
Matt's eyes shot to Festus.
The rough hillman nodded his head firmly. "I never seen a woman set such a store by a man, iffin you ask me. And ladies, they also 'preciate a feller a'sayin' he's sorry. That's always been my gen'ral understandin' of things anyhow."
Matt sat silently ruminating, biting his lower lip.
"I think you mighta' got yer feelin's hurt a little, and that made ya' mad. But don't ya' reckon Miss Kitty got her feelin's hurt, too? Else she wouldn't a' run off to St. Louie without ya'? I cain't imagine what it coulda took to git her so unsettled that she'd hightail it outta Dodge fer good this time…but maybe you do. Do ya'?"
"Maybe," Matt answered with a sigh. "Maybe I do, Festus."
"You reckon you might wanna see that lil' ole taterbug Lucy? She's your'n. I reckon I would iffin she was to belong to me."
"How do I know that baby belongs to me, Festus?"
"On account a' Miss Kitty loved you somethin' fierce, that's how."
"But she married Quint. It's gotta be his child, Festus."
"Well, I figger if you don't know fer shore, then maybe what Miss Kitty and you needs is…" Festus scratched his stubbly chin. "…well, you jes needs to talk it out, to set things right is all. Don'tcha reckon?"
Matt settled a level gaze on his simple yet wise friend. He took a deep breath and soaked in his deputy's words, letting them settle in his belly. Finally, he answered, "I reckon maybe you're right, Festus."
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He first spotted her approaching half a block away. He didn't recognize her at first, the change in her appearance was so complete. From this distance, Kitty looked like a carefree young woman half her age. She wore a simple, white summer day dress of fine muslin, trimmed only with a row of French lace at the throat and cuffs. On her head, tied with a white silk ribbon sat a wide-brimmed straw hat to protect her from the intense August sun. Matt well knew how badly Kitty hated it when the sun freckled her pale white skin. As she drew closer, he could see her face was devoid of the heavy paint she'd always worn in Dodge. It was fresh and clean. Her cheeks were flushed and her skin dewy from her late morning exercise. She pushed before her a wicker carriage, and therein sat a baby in a white dress and bonnet, waving her chubby arms and laughing at Kitty who spoke to her animatedly. The child's laughter was a silvery little peal of pure joy that hit Matt square in the chest, a vibrant sound that knocked the breath clean out of him. Was this his child? His and Kitty's?
Preoccupied with her baby, it wasn't until Kitty turned to cross the street directly in front of the house that she finally spotted Matt sitting on the steps. She froze. He watched her expression change, the blood draining from her face as she stared at him. He rose and removed his hat, nodding at her. Then he beheld a nearly imperceptible straightening of her spine, a squaring of her shoulders. She took a deep breath, her mouth set in a straight line, and crossed the street to meet him.
He took a step forward to meet her, nodded his head again, and quietly murmured in greeting, "Kitty."
The sun shone on them warmly there in the front yard, and she squinted up at him wearing her best poker face. "Matt," she replied, her mouth still hard, uncertain.
"I, uh…" He patted his pocket. "I brought you somethin'."
"Oh?" she replied noncommittally.
A windblown red curl loosened from its moorings fluttered in her face, and Matt had to fight the urge to touch it, to brush it tenderly off her cheek. He cleared his throat instead, briskly explaining, "Yeah, I had some business up this way, and…" Shifting his feet uncomfortably, he placed his hat back on his head. "I thought I'd drop it by here."
The baby chose that moment to make her presence known. She squealed loudly, and when Matt glanced down at her, pushing his hat back off his forehead, the tot grinned up at him, exposing two tiny bottom teeth. Her small bonnet had come loose and fallen off, revealing wispy red-gold curls shining in the sunlight. Remarkable violet-blue eyes sparkled up at him. He stared at her, uncertain of what to say, what to do while his chest felt tight, his tongue swollen in his mouth.
The child wailed suddenly, stretching her arms up toward Kitty, squeezing her fingers shut and open and shut again in little fists. "Ma, ma, ma…" she babbled insistently, and Kitty's expression instantly softened, her eyes lit up.
"Come here, sugarplum," Kitty murmured soothingly, gathering the child in her arms and kissing her head. Kitty settled the baby comfortably on her hip, gently bouncing her as Lucy began contentedly playing with a silver charm bracelet on Kitty's wrist.
Matt watched open-mouthed at this new Kitty, comfortable and competent around small children. Matt had never seen this side of her. She was different. She was softer, more tender. Matt and Kitty had spent the better part of twenty years together and this sort of thing had rarely invaded their private world. But Kitty was no longer part of his world, it seemed. She was in a world of her choosing, and she had left Matt behind.
Kitty interrupted his thoughts. "Come on inside then. We don't want all the neighbors watchin' every move we make. Folks here are nice, but they will talk if you give 'em half a chance."
"I'll carry this for you," he offered, easily lifting the baby carriage to haul it up the front steps. It was when he followed her, caught the silhouette of her figure, that he noticed a definite swelling of her abdomen, and his throat constricted, his stomach knotted. Was she…? Again…? Hadn't Doc said Kitty was probably past child-bearing age? His brow knitted as he looked back in time, tried to recall. Had she looked like this in Dodge a year ago, and he just hadn't noticed? Why wouldn't he have noticed? What the hell had he been looking at that he had missed the fact that she was pregnant?
He suddenly realized Kitty was waiting on him, holding the door open. He turned sideways and maneuvered the bulky carriage over the threshold.
"Just leave it there behind the door," she instructed as she shifted the baby on her hip, skillfully removing her hatpin one-handed and dropping the hat onto a chair.
Matt found himself distracted by his surroundings, the comfortable sitting room with plush furniture, soft carpets, books filling the shelves beside the fireplace and fresh cut flowers in vases. Matt spotted a pipe and tin of tobacco on a small table beside an armchair, and that tight feeling began to squeeze his chest again.
Suddenly he was startled by a low growl. A large black and tan dog appeared seemingly out of nowhere, standing at Kitty's side, his hackles raised.
Kitty soothed, "Easy, Mo. He's okay…" She slanted her eyes Matt's way. "Sorry, he's real protective. Well, that's why Quint got 'im for me, actually."
"That's okay, Kitty." He watched as the baby gurgled and cooed, reaching down toward the dog who reared up and snuffled her, licking her fat little leg. She let loose with a joyful belly laugh that made Matt's stomach flutter.
"You need to go out, Mo. Come on," she called to the dog, patting her leg. To Matt, she said, "We've been gone all mornin'. Went to the park and then to visit Quint at the shop and ask him to come eat lunch with us today. Come on back here with us, if you don't mind," she asked. Kitty sidestepped a scattering of little wooden toys and a small, soft blue blanket lying on the floor as they made their way to a screened porch just off the kitchen. "You'll hafta excuse the mess. Today is Violet's day off, and I've been too busy to pick up around here. Go on outside, Mo." Kitty opened the back door and the dog bounded into the yard, nose to the ground as he picked up a scent.
"This part is new, huh?" Matt remarked as he looked around the cozy porch, then realized he hadn't spoken to Kitty when he'd last been here, only observing her house from afar. That fact and its implications lay heavy and stifling between them.
Quickly, Kitty closed the awkward silence with a studied, casual explanation. "Quint built this in the spring so we could sit outside and not get eaten alive by mosquitoes or carried off by flies." She gave him a tight smile, juggling the baby to her opposite hip. "We spend a lotta time outside when the weather's nice."
Matt stood rooted to the spot, his hands jammed in his pockets, gazing at the comfortable outdoor hideaway, the flower-filled backyard, the baby happily blowing raspberries as she sat familiarly on Kitty's hip. He bit his lip, deep in thought.
"Well…" Kitty said at last.
Matt realized it was a question. "Well, what?"
"Well, didn't you say you stopped by to give me somethin'?" She withdrew a handkerchief from her sleeve and began wiping the baby's nose who squealed in protest. "Lucy, be still," Kitty gently admonished. "Mama's almost done. There now…" Kitty pocketed her handkerchief and then looked back at Matt expectantly.
He quickly dug in his pocket, withdrew the check, and extended it to her.
Hesitantly, she took it, staring at the writing as she adeptly kept the paper out of the inquisitive baby's grasp. She eyed Matt, saying, "You came all the way from Dodge just to give me this check?"
"Well, I also had other business to…"
"Hannah Cobb coulda wired me the money, just like she did all the other payments." Kitty laid the check on a small table and bounced the baby comfortingly as she began to fuss. "What other business did you just happen to have here in St. Louie, if you don't mind me askin'?"
Matt Dillon was not a smooth liar. He stared at her, unable to answer.
"Matt, for once in your life, why couldn't you just admit that you came here only because of me? Why do you always need an excuse to come see me, to come after me? Do you feel like it would be a weakness, a flaw in your character if you followed me?"
"No, Kitty! I just…" He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. "I've never been any good at this kinda thing."
"Never? It hasn't always been this way, Matt. You've changed. You weren't always so tight-lipped. Seems like the longer you were a lawman, the harder the hold that badge had on you, and the harder you became. There…I've said it." Kitty wore a stubborn look on her face, daring him to argue with her as she patted the fussy baby's back.
Matt stood silently for a moment. Finally, he said, "Kitty, I reckon I did come to St. Louie to talk to you. Things ended badly between us, I think, and I should've talked to you first."
Tears sprang to her eyes. "I'm obliged to you for that, Matt. That you'd admit it." It seemed her knees gave out on her at that instant, and she abruptly sat down in a cushioned rocking chair. She rocked the baby slowly, rhythmically, rubbing Lucy's back. She must have felt his eyes on her, must have sensed his question. She insisted bluntly, "Go ahead. Ask me. Say what you need to say. That's why you're here, right?"
"I gotta know, Kitty…" Matt gestured to the child sucking her thumb with her head resting on her mother's shoulder. "Is she mine?"
Kitty's eyes flashed and her mouth hardened. "Matt Dillon, how could you? You should know there was never anyone else but you. I may have flirted with an occasional man, but it was just to make you jealous. It was to try and wake you up from your maddening complacency." She narrowed her eyes, clarifying, "No other man, that is, aside from the occasional outlaw who came through town and decided to take a little piece of me in your name."
Matt blanched at her words, but he pushed on, anxious to hear the truth from her lips. "When did you start seein' Quint Asper?" Matt removed his hat, working the brim in his hands. "I feel like such a damn fool that I didn't know. Why the hell didn't you just tell me you wanted him instead a' leavin' me and lying to everyone?"
Kitty's eyes filled with angry tears and she abruptly stood, biting out, "I didn't see Quint until I left Dodge. We ran into each other by coincidence on the train to St. Louie. I was sick, Matt, and he took care a' me, gave me a place to stay when I was pregnant with your baby."
"But…I saw you, Kitty. I saw you kiss him on the front porch."
"It was just a kiss, Matt. I was alone and scared. We didn't sleep together until you wrote me that damn letter!"
The blood drained from his face at his horrible realization. His words tumbled out, "So…she's really mine? But…how'd you know I didn't want her to have my name?"
Kitty planted a hand firmly on one hip. "So you're sayin' you woulda been willin' to marry me? Is that it?"
"Well…"
She watched him swallow hard.
"…sure I woulda' done right by you."
"So the only reason you woulda married me is because I was pregnant?"
"Come on, Kitty…"
"What kind of marriage would that have been, Matt? You would've hated it, resented it. Would you have married me if I hadn't been pregnant?"
He looked at her blankly, his face flushing. Finally, he replied, "We wouldn't have needed to get married then."
"Exactly. Matt, you would never have been happy bein' married. You never wanted to be married, and I didn't wanna trap you into a marriage usin' a baby. I could never do that to you."
"You don't think I ever wanna be married?"
"I know you don't wanna be married, Matt. You've always made that quite clear."
"But…"
"No, let's not start lyin' to ourselves now."
"What do you mean?"
Tears streamed down Kitty's cheeks while the baby in her arms whimpered unhappily. "Matt Dillon, you had nearly twenty years to make up your mind, to do somethin', anything, to keep me. I tried leavin'. Why did I keep comin' back? Because I loved you more than life, that's why. I probably did get pregnant on purpose, truth be told. I was feelin' desperate, scared to death that I'd let too much of my life pass on by with nothin' much to show for it outside of memories. But I finally had to start lookin' out for myself for a change. I had to look out for my child."
"Kitty, I tried lookin' out for you. But sometimes the odds were against us."
"Matt, odds are one thing, but our own words and deeds are another. Why the hell wouldn't you ask me to stay when Will Stambridge tried to woo me away from Dodge? Away from you? You acted like you didn't give a damn one way or the other!"
"I didn't think I had the right to tell…"
"Who the hell had a better right than you, Matt? Who? Couldn't you have acted like you wanted me even a little bit?"
"I did want you, Kitty."
"Well, you picked a funny way of showin' it, Matt. I guess you did want me in your own way. You wanted me to stand by for twenty years, to be your mistress, but you never loved me enough to marry me."
"It wouldn't have been safe. People would have known we were together. You could've been…"
"Matt, please… Everyone knew we were together. Everyone. It was no secret."
"Well, I coulda been killed at any time. I didn't wanna leave behind a widow and a child."
"Matt, honestly…" She shook her head, tears of frustration and grief wetting her dress, falling on Lucy. "If I hadn't had your name, do you think it woulda hurt any less to lose you?"
He sighed. "No, Kitty."
"I woulda followed you anywhere if you'd asked me. I blame myself for stickin' around for so long, waiting and waiting. It was me who was the damn fool. But then I ran into an old friend on the train, a friend who did want me, who did think I was worthy of marryin'. Over the years, you'd made it perfectly clear you didn't want children, and I knew you'd never marry me. So I grabbed that chance Quint gave me with both hands. But only after you wrote that letter telling me goodbye." Kitty pressed a hand to her mouth to keep from sobbing, then choked out, "Only then."
"I didn't know."
"You didn't ask. And would it have made any difference anyway? You'd never be happy in this life, Matt."
Matt placed big hands on his hips, looking around him, and he sighed. "I know. And I could never give you this life, Kitty."
Kitty sobbed openly. Lucy began crying sympathetically, brokenheartedly, along with her mama.
It was at that instant that Quint rushed out the back door and beheld the scene before him. His face and neck turned a mottled red, his eyes black and thunderous. Quint grabbed Matt's shirtfront in his fists, demanding hotly, "What the hell did you say to my wife, you son-of-a-bitch?"
Matt clutched his old friend's shoulders, protesting, "Quint! I didn't come here to…"
"Dammit, she loved you, Dillon! How could you…?" Quint gritted his teeth and drew back a fist. Matt tried to block him, but the younger man was too quick. Quint smashed Matt in the jaw and sent him flying backwards. Quint jumped on top of Matt, and they rolled on the floor.
Kitty cried out in protest, clutching Lucy protectively, "Quint! Stop!"
Matt managed to roll on top of Quint, pinning the smaller man to the floor. "Quint! I wouldn't hurt Kitty on purpose! Godammit, I love 'er!"
Kitty dropped to her knees beside them, her wailing baby in her arms. "Quint, it's okay," she pleaded.
Quint had ceased struggling, staring at the big man atop him.
Matt stiffly stood, smearing blood from his lip with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
Kitty hovered near as Quint stood. She murmured, "Quint, please take the baby upstairs for me."
Quint glanced at her in surprise at her apparent dismissal. "But, sweetheart, I…" His eyes darted to Lucy who cried unhappily with her finger in her mouth, "Da-da, da-da…"
"Lucy wants you, Daddy. Please, Quint, take her upstairs for me." She nodded her head reassuringly and kissed his cheek. Her next words escaped as a mere whisper. "Matt and I are just sayin' goodbye to each other, Quint, and it's hard. It's real hard. Please take Lucy for me, and I'll be upstairs in a minute, okay?"
Quint mutely nodded, glancing from Kitty to Matt and back again. He gathered Lucy in his arms, kissing her pink, tear-streaked face. "Daddy's gotcha, baby girl," he murmured.
Kitty kissed Quint's cheek again. "I love you, Quint," she whispered in his ear.
"I love you, too, sweetheart." He pierced her with his dark-eyed gaze. "I'll be waitin'."
Kitty nodded. Quint walked slowly back into the house, soothing Lucy with soft murmurings. He looked over his shoulder at Kitty one last time before he closed the door behind him.
Kitty's eyes searched Matt's face. "You're bleedin'." She smeared her tear-streaked cheeks with the back of her hand. "You got a handkerchief? I'd give you mine, but…"
"Yeah, I know. But I got my own." He fished in a pocket, wiped his face with folded, white cotton fabric worn thin after years of laundering. He heaved a great sigh, gesturing around him. "I could never give you any of this, Kitty. I'm a simple man. You know I don't make a lotta money."
"Matt, you wouldn't have needed to give me all this." Her lip trembled as she held back her tears. "It doesn't take a lotta money to make a family, just a lotta love. I woulda followed you to the ends of the earth, Matt Dillon. To a shack on the edge of town if that's what you wanted."
"Kitty, I love ya'. But I want what's best for ya'. I know Quint can give you that. I understand. But I also know that you need to be safe, not always lookin' over your shoulder, worryin' about Lucy and who could hurt her."
Kitty nodded her head, her brow furrowing earnestly. "You were right about that, Matt, when you said Dodge was no place to raise a family. I just wasn't ready to listen. I think I was just desperate for a child of my own and afraid I would never have one."
Matt shoved his hands deep in his pockets.
Kitty continued, "You remember, years ago? When you quit after havin' to kill Jack Brand's gang? You were fed up with killin'. We were still so young then. If you hadn't gone back to bein' a lawman, maybe this coulda been us, Matt…"
He pinned her with an honest, crystal blue gaze that had always set her insides to shaking. He asked, "Are you happy? I gotta know."
She nodded wordlessly at first, unable to open her mouth. She placed a hand on her trembling lips to still them, and finally answered in a strangled voice. "Yes. Yes, Matt, and thank you for askin'. Quint's a good man and he loves me and the baby. And, Matt…?"
"Yeah?"
Her hand drifted to her midriff. "We're gonna have another baby."
Matt nodded, his mouth tight. "I thought so. I noticed…this time."
She bit her bottom lip. "You think it's possible for a woman to love two men?"
Matt stepped closer, reaching out to her. His huge, warm hands engulfed her own familiarly. He murmured, "Honey, I'm real glad you finally got the life you deserve, and I…" His deep voice broke, and he looked to the ceiling for a moment, then took a breath. "I want you to know, I do wish you well."
Tears rolled down Kitty's cheeks. She whispered, "Kiss me goodbye, Matt. I need this to end well."
"Kitty, if I kiss ya', I might not…"
"Yes, you will, Matt. You have to. And we both know it's the only way."
He sighed wearily. "You're right."
She swiped her sleeve across her wet cheeks, declaring, "I'll always love you, Matt Dillon, but I reckon we just needed different things. I'm awful sorry for that."
"I'm sorry, too, for a lotta things, more than you'll ever know."
"Kiss me now, before I lose my nerve. I reckon this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life."
"Me too, honey." Matt stepped toward her, cupped her face in his big hands, his clear blue eyes narrowed, his forehead furrowed. "There's never gonna be anybody who'll hold a candle to you, Kitty Russell."
She tried to memorize his face in that instant before he kissed her, the beautiful features of lost youth now weathered by years of harsh sun and hard living, yet still ruggedly handsome. He leaned in and kissed her slowly and tenderly, savoring her. She kissed him back, breathed in the essence of him, the heady scent of leather and horseflesh, prairie sage and gun oil. It was the most exquisitely painful thing she'd ever experienced, that last kiss from Matt Dillon.
Drawing back with a sigh, he gently brushed that windblown curl from her cheek. His voice was hoarse and halting. "I'll always have a place for you in my heart, Kitty, but this life is what's best for you. What's best for Lucy. I need both of you to be safe and happy."
"I know, Matt." She nodded, placing a hand over her pounding heart, feeling as though it were breaking in two.
"Goodbye, Kitty…"
"Goodbye, Matt…"
The tall lawman took one last look at her and walked out the door of the screen porch and out of her life.
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