"You make me feel like I can feel again
You make me realize the story didn't end
I didn't know my heart could hurt like that
Everything was numb and just like that,
You make me feel like I can feel again"
~ Kina, Au/Ra, "Feel Again"
Chapter 32: A Draw
"Jessica."
Though the air had vanished from her lungs and she could hear the blood pumping in her ears, Jess met Damian's blazing eyes. "I told you to wait for me," he snapped in a sharp tone.
"I…"
She couldn't form a sentence let alone a coherent thought; all she could do was stand there like an idiot, her brain attempting to connect the faces in the room and the few pieces of information she had about what was happening.
"Jess, why don't we give them a minute?"
Selina was walking towards her then with a small smile. Jess couldn't bring herself to answer; she let the woman take her arm and lead her back into the hallway, though the teen couldn't help glancing behind her shoulder to see Damian's gaze lingering on her before returning to Jason. A minute later, the two of them were in the kitchen, Jess seated on a stool with her elbows on the marble countertop. There was just silence as Selina rummaged around in the fridge — Jess was straining her ears, trying to figure out if there were any raised voices or some kind of argument taking place.
Red Hood, aka Jason Todd, was here. And somehow he knew the Wayne family. Did that mean they knew…?
"Hungry?"
Jade green eyes widened curiously at Jess as she looked up from the fridge.
The teen shook her head. "Oh, I'm fine, thank you."
She hardly paid attention as the woman heated up some leftovers in the microwave, leaning against the counter and watching her. Too many questions were running through her mind.
"Who is he?"
Selina's face was unreadable at Jess's question as the microwave hummed in the background. They'd been getting to know each other little by little recently since the woman was spending more time at the manor (she hadn't quite moved in yet considering she wasn't in a hurry and the wedding wasn't until next year). Though Jess didn't quite feel like she was in a place to be completely open with her, her curiosity and impatience to understand this weird situation were stronger.
She looked the teen up and down. "What has Damian told you?"
Jess paused then replied softly, "Nothing… I mean, I don't think he's mentioned him before."
She would've known if Damian had ever brought up this Jason Todd/Red Hood guy, right? Come to think of it, the only other people in his life he'd spoken about were his siblings, who were all off living their own lives, like Dick, Steph, Cass, Tim, Jason—
Jason.
Something seemed to feel like it was clicking in her head now. He'd talked about him very briefly, never going into much detail about the older brother's whereabouts or where he lived nowadays. Of course, "Jason" was a relatively common name, so she couldn't have assumed that the Jason Damian hardly spoke of could be the same Jason she'd met this summer.
But now that guy was standing under the same roof as her because somehow he had some kind of relationship to this family. And there was only one explanation her befuddled brain could come up with.
"Is that his brother?"
Letting out a deep breath, Selina regarded Jess with a kind expression. "I don't want to tell you anything that Damian might want to say himself, so…"
Jess's gaze fell to her hands as she absentmindedly played with the hair tie on her wrist. She wasn't even going to answer that simple of a question? Would Damian tell her anything if she did get the chance to ask? Something about the situation made her feel as if he'd be likely to keep quiet about it — might've had to do with how frustrated he'd looked back there. Clearly, Jason's appearance had struck a nerve.
The microwave beeped, pulling her from her thoughts. She looked up to see Selina retrieving the tupperware container of stew and a spoon from a drawer. Did anyone know Jason's other identity?
"Forgive me for how cliche this sounds," Selina began after blowing on the soup for a moment, "but I can tell Damian cares about you."
The corner of Jess's mouth lifted. "Is that why he seemed so annoyed that I didn't listen to him?"
Shrugging, the woman answered, "He's a lot like Bruce in that way. They want to protect the ones close to them, and they'll get mad at you if you don't let them."
"Trust me. I know from experience," she added with a wink and knowing grin.
But Jess had latched onto a specific part of what she'd said… "Protect"? What did Damian need to protect her from?
Before she could think of something else to say or ask (maybe a question Selina would actually answer), there was movement at the kitchen entryway. Damian was looking at Jess, appearing just as agitated as ever. He was silent though, only tilting his head towards the hall to communicate that he wanted to speak with her. Glancing at Selina and then getting to her feet, Jess followed him. It wasn't until he was almost at the end of the hall, moving quickly, that she noticed his car keys were in his hand.
"You're leaving?"
"We are leaving," he corrected, not looking back at her.
Jess sped up her pace to catch up to him and fall into step at his side. "Why?"
"I am not answering any of your questions until we are back at your dorm." His voice was as tense as he looked.
"Damian, what is going on—?"
He stopped suddenly in his tracks, turning to look down at her. His bold, green eyes were filled with something that almost… scared her. They weren't fiery with anger like she'd expected; it was something like worry creasing the skin between his brows and saturating his gaze.
"Jessica, please," was all he said, quietly but firmly.
Swallowing hard, Jess remained silent until he seemed satisfied with her lack of response, walking off again. That was weird. By the time they reached the garage, she'd realized something.
"My backpack is still in your room."
Damian sighed and told her to stay put (not failing to give her a mild glare) before making his way back upstairs. Jess stood outside the door to the garage, crossing her arms and trying to control the hint of anxiety simmering in her gut. She'd be able to hold back from asking him questions until they got to campus, right?
"I guess now I know what they meant by 'bad timing.'"
Her heart skipped a beat at the sudden voice as she whirled around — Jason, no longer wearing his jacket, was standing several feet away and leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.
"How long have you been there?" Jess managed to ask, looking him up and down.
"Not long. You looked pretty lost in thought," he told her casually, blue-green eyes narrowed in interest.
She didn't say anything. What was she supposed to say to that?
But then something crossed her mind, prompting her to straighten where she stood. "You're his brother, aren't you?"
Jason let out a short laugh though humor didn't reach his eyes. "Of course he barely told you anything about me."
"Does he know?"
At that, the older man said nothing, the corners of his mouth falling as seriousness took over his features. Maybe he wasn't going to tell her anything the same way Selina hadn't, but Jess figured she'd try.
Too many moments passed as Jason appeared to contemplate her question, but then he was pushing himself off the wall. "Just so you know… I didn't know you'd be here."
And then he was walking away, the brunette staring after him in bewilderment. What the hell did that mean? Part of her wanted to stop him and demand he clarify, but he was already gone and Damian had returned with her backpack. His eyes were darting around upon seeing the look on Jess's face, wondering what she was reacting to.
"What?" he asked her warily.
"Nothing," she answered smoothly, reaching out for her bag. "Thanks."
Neither of them said anything during the trip from the manor to Gotham Academy, a heavy, awkward tension wedged between the two. Minutes after they made it to her small dorm — even now, she still couldn't get over the fact that she'd managed to get one on her own — Jess found herself glancing at her friend every now and then, wondering if he was going to say something. While she'd been walking around, putting her things away and tidying up her desk, Damian had sat at the foot of her bed, elbows on his knees as he stared at the floor.
It wasn't until she couldn't find anything else to busy herself with that Jess finally plopped down in her desk chair and scooted towards him — she was directly in front of him now, their knees almost touching. She reached over and grabbed the stuffed octopus from behind him, bringing it into his view.
Clearing her throat, she told Damian, "I decided to name him Otis."
He glanced up at her, green eyes unreadable. "How did you come up with that?"
"Starts with 'O' like 'octopus.'"
Her response earned the slightest scoff from him. If she hadn't been watching his face and figure, she would have missed it. His gaze had turned downward again, settling on the stuffed toy in her lap.
"Why did we leave, Damian?"
Why are you upset?
The tightness was creeping back into his shoulders again; she could see the way his clasped hands tensed up for a moment. Too many quiet seconds passed, and Jess considered asking a different question when Damian finally spoke up.
Letting out a heavy sigh, he replied, "That was Jason… the one I have mentioned before."
"But never talked about."
The words had slipped out. Jess saw the way he looked up at her, though his expression wasn't one of annoyance or irritation. Instead, he appeared almost exhausted, those typical wrinkles gone from between his brows.
"The last time I saw him was nearly two years ago. I haven't… We haven't seen eye-to-eye since then," Damian explained, his voice strangely quiet.
"And he just showed up out of nowhere?"
"Yes."
She paused for a few moments before saying, "I wonder why."
He was staring at the octopus again, maybe watching the way she was fiddling with one of its stubby arms. "I… I don't know."
"What happened between you two?"
Damian ran a hand through his hair before resting his forehead in the same hand, still not meeting her eyes. "Jessica," he began tiredly, "that is not a story I want to tell."
But why did it seem like one that wasn't quite over? All these questions were spinning around in her head, begging to be asked and answered; it was taking a bit of self control to exercise patience but Jess knew she had to. Clearly, Jason's unannounced appearances had set him off enough to make his mood change as quickly as it had. And knowing Damian, she felt like she needed to tread carefully. Though she had never really given it much thought why Damian hardly talked about his brother, it made sense now. The two of them apparently had some unresolved history that made her friend so willing to leave and not be under the same roof… even after two years.
Determination took over Damian as he shifted backwards on the bed until he could rest his back against the wall. "While I don't know what his plans or intentions are, we will have to take care to not be at the manor whenever he is," he said while once again resting his arms across his knees.
"... Really?"
His emerald gaze snapped onto her quickly. "Yes, really. I can't have you around him."
"What? Damian, what does that even mean?" Jess's brows knitted together as she stared at him.
Irritation flashed in his features as he retorted, "I do not want you around Jason. His lifestyle hurts people. That's all you have to know."
She couldn't help the humorless scoff that escaped but took note of the confused glare he gave. Throwing her hands up and sitting back in the chair, Jess said, "So I'm just supposed to sit in the dark and not have any clue."
"You are not entitled to knowing anything more than—"
"I'm not asking for you to tell me everything. I just don't think it's fair—"
"Life is not fair, Jessica."
"Don't do that."
They stared at one another, blazing, green irises meeting hazel ones that had a strange desperation in them.
"Don't do that to me, Damian," she went on, her voice quiet but stiff. "I don't need you trying to reason with me in that—that condescending way that you do."
He looked like he wanted to respond, but Jess continued as she leaned forward in her seat. "I get that you and Jason have this… thing, whatever it is. But I… I feel like it's a big enough deal that you want to go as far as, you know, keeping me away from him.
"And maybe it doesn't have to make sense to me, maybe you don't have to tell the whole story right now, but…"
Talk to me, Dami. Just talk to me.
Fighting the sudden lump in her throat, she got up and sat with him on her small bed, close enough to touch him if she wanted but with enough distance that wouldn't make him feel suffocated. He'd broken eye contact, training his glare onto the comforter.
"I'm here, you know."
That was all she could say, her tone having dropped to barely above a whisper. She didn't know if any of what she'd said would matter, if he'd care at all, or if it made any sense, but he had to know he didn't have to carry that weight, didn't he? He had to know that their friendship was a two-way street; he'd been there for her when she'd needed him, and Jess wanted to do the same.
The biggest difference was that Damian was stubborn in his own Damian Wayne kind of way, and she would hardly be surprised if he refused to share anything with her.
He was pinching the bridge of his nose now, eyes closed. Jess watched as he then looked over at her, emerald greens filled with bleakness.
"I can't, Jessica," he eventually told her quietly.
Like that day she'd visited him after Titus's death, the pain was all in his eyes, accompanied by tears he would never cry. Jess's heart beat uncomfortably in her chest as she looked away, trying to think of what to say. She couldn't keep asking him to explain, not when he was like this. It was true — he didn't owe her an explanation despite how much she wanted to know what made him practically hate his own brother, but she also wished her friend would give himself the chance to tell someone about it. Tell her.
Damian was taking a deep breath, his gaze trained outside her window where darkness was falling. "I know that you know."
"... What?"
"Jason. Red Hood. That night he helped you."
His voice had grown strangely calm then, but it did little to ease the sudden nerves she felt. Damian knew?
She didn't even know what to say. Jess sat there for several long moments before deciding to ask, "How?"
"Despite my efforts to ignore him and remove him from my life… he reached out to me," he told her slowly, "after discovering our… relationship."
Recovering from the initial surprise, the brunette contemplated whether she should be upset. Was this something to even complain about? Maybe she should've been mad at Jason for running his mouth, maybe…
"Were you going to tell me? That you knew?"
Damian met her eyes, his face unreadable. "Were you going to tell me you already knew who he was when you snuck down the hall and saw him at the door? Were you going to tell me at all that you've been having encounters with Red Hood this summer?"
Shaking her head, she replied, "Guess this is the part where I say 'touché.'"
"I also know you've run into Robin several times."
She couldn't help the next scoff that escaped, a taste of annoyance pinching her nerves. Looking directly into his eyes, Jess shrugged. "What else do you know that I don't?"
It'd been one thing for him to say he'd known about her run-ins with Red Hood. It shouldn't have surprised her at all that he also knew about the other masked hero who'd always found a way to track her down, but something about them being stacked on top of each other just irritated her.
Did this mean he was hiding more from her? And if so… what?
"Anything else you want to share with me that I don't know about besides your own brother being a freaking vigilante? Does Dick run around doing the same thing in New York City?"
"No."
The single word was firm and immediate. Emerald greens bore into her so strongly, they made her look away no matter how hard she tried to stare right back.
But what right did she have to know any of that anyway? Even if there were more wild secrets like Jason's (though it couldn't have been that big of a deal if even he didn't really care she knew), she couldn't just ask to hear about them.
Jess wasn't sure how much time passed with the two of them sitting on her bed, avoiding each other's gaze. All she did know was that what she was experiencing felt too similar to what had happened almost two months ago, when Damian had discovered she'd been using stardust. It felt similar to how Robin always knew what she was up to and had consistently gone out of his way to find her.
It felt out of her control.
"He was supposed to protect someone close to me."
Damian's tight voice jolted her from her thoughts, making her look over to see his eyes were glazed over like he was seeing memories… a past that clearly haunted him still.
"And he failed. That's—that's all I can tell you."
He was clenching his fist again. Jess reached and took it gently to rest it between her hands as she rested her head against his shoulder. She didn't caress his fingers or offer him words of comfort; she simply waited… and eventually felt the tension leave his hand until, little by little, it relaxed and his knuckles were no longer white.
His breathing was even, but she could tell he was doing everything he could to keep it that way. Everything about this practically mirrored that day in his room — Damian was tormented, and this time around, Jess knew that all she could do was be there, hold his hand, and let him feel what he needed to. Somehow, they just worked that way when words couldn't be said or spoken in an artful, magical sense. And she was fairly certain she couldn't see it being any other way.
Of course, Damian refrained from telling the entire truth to Jess. Had he known Jason would show up on their doorstep (quite literally), he would have been much more prepared when it came to deciding what he could or could not share with his friend. She knew who Jason truly was, after all, and even that alone made things much more complex and difficult than they already were.
He had to continue keeping her in the dark. Jason's appearance might have been a wrench thrown in the works, yet Damian was not going to allow his brother to continue breeding chaos. It was most likely going to be messy, navigating this situation and determining what he could and could not tell his friend, but it had to be done. Even if it meant trading truths for lies.
Yet he wanted to be open with Jess, didn't he? Even if it was a mere inch-wide opening of a door. Something about the way she'd looked at him and said "I'm here, you know" had brought about a yearning in him that he could not ignore.
Unpleasant memories and images flashed in his mind's eye, making him inadvertently clench his fist again between her hands. But Damian was practiced; he could re-shelve them the way he always had and build walls to shield himself from that dulled pain. And that's what he attempted to do as he sat there, staring intently at nothing across the room.
Without thinking, he added quietly, "She and her family moved out of Gotham not long after. I haven't… That was the last time I saw or spoke with her."
Her skin was warm — he didn't know if that was why he felt his fingers loosening or perhaps it was entirely some other reason, yet Damian couldn't bring himself to find the answer. All he could do was close his eyes and focus on the contact and the way it seemed to magically ease the tension in his hand. He couldn't quite name what it was, but the sensation traveled up his arm and—
"Damian."
Her voice was soft, so soft he wasn't sure he'd actually heard it. Opening his eyes, he saw that she was gazing at him, brows furrowed with unconcealed concern and tenderness. That was when he realized he felt something slipping down his cheek.
His fingers came away with wetness, and he stared at it in bewilderment until he heard her speak again.
"It's okay to cry, ya know." Her tone was teasing yet genuine and gentle at the same time, just like the hazel irises still on him.
Taking a slow breath in through his nose, Damian forced himself to look away… suddenly afraid that the pressure behind his eyes would remain there.
Jess's head rested against his shoulder once more. Like routine, her arms snuck around his bicep, squeezing him gently for a moment in a sort of embrace. A mix of her sweet shampoo and characteristic smell of musky lavender briefly passed his nose. Brushing away the tear's lone trail on his face, Damian tried to calm his heart and swallow past the lump in his throat, still at a loss in determining how this was happening.
Somehow, Damian had a feeling she likely wouldn't have brought it up on her own, how she knew Jason's second identity… in the same way he wouldn't have mentioned it either. At least it was a draw in that regard — neither of them could point a finger at the other without pointing one back at themselves. Perhaps Jess would have eventually told him about the night she'd met Red Hood, perhaps Damian would have told her that he knew about that night. Either way, they'd both been hiding their own version of the truth.
And here he was, with even more skeletons and secrets in his closet.
"Maybe we should just stop hiding stuff from each other."
Damian had to scoff, earning a raised brow from his friend as she lifted her head to look at him. It was as if she'd read his mind.
"What? I did say 'we,' not 'you.'"
He said nothing, merely looking down at where her arms were still wrapped around his bicep. This… the way they sat, how easily she reached out to him, how comfortably warm and comforting it felt… He never wanted it to change.
"I have to admit I have a lot of questions about him being Red Hood and how you feel about it…"
With a sigh, Damian answered dismissively, "Perhaps we can discuss that another day."
"Do you think he came back because… he wants to make amends?"
Her question twisted his gut, and his hand clenched reflexively before he forced it to relax. Echoes of Jason's voice, angry and confused, bounced around in his head. Missed calls, left voicemails, until it was only silence and not a single word from him again.
I am not sure I want to.
"I don't know anything at this point," he admitted.
And he despised it. He hadn't been able to get much out of the older man back at the manor… nothing but pathetic excuses for wanting to "catch up" and other nonsense. Damian had run out of patience quickly, deciding he'd rather leave with Jess and ensure she was away as soon as possible. At the moment, he didn't care if Bruce would be able to get a proper answer from his older son or simply take that opportunity to reconnect with him. As long as Damian and Jess weren't around, the young man would breathe easier.
Moments passed, the two of them sitting there in silence. It was peaceful and almost soothing (he'd never thought he would find such a simple thing to be as such). Part of him contemplated changing the subject or suggesting he return home — he still wanted to question Jason — when Jess spoke again.
"I'm guessing this means you know Robin, too."
Attempting to calm his heart rate, Damian smoothly replied, "No. I don't."
It sounded like she was taking a deep breath beside him. "I know it sounds really weird, but there have been times I've felt like I know him. I dunno how to explain it. Maybe it's just because of the whole hiding-behind-a-mask thing and the fact that I've run into him so many times."
How would Jess react if she really knew? She would be shocked for some time, surely, but what about after that when she recovered from the initial surprise? Would she be understanding? Would she despise him for lying, for keeping his other identity a secret?
All questions he had asked one other time, years ago, upon meeting Irene and realizing what he'd felt for her.
He had a strong, gut feeling Jess could possibly hate him for more than that.
After momentary hesitation, he asked, "What is he like?"
Jess was quiet for a few seconds. "He's… mysterious... for lack of a better word. I don't know a single thing about him, but he had my back this summer, so I guess maybe I trust him. Weird, right?"
Jessica Fairchild trusting a stranger in a mask? It sounded nothing but characteristic of her.
"Can I ask what her name was?"
Cautious yet kind, hazel eyes waited for his answer to her seemingly abrupt question, and it took a moment or two for him to nod once.
"Her name was Irene."
"I came to warn you."
"About?"
Despite the way her eyebrows rose, he could tell she knew precisely what he was talking about. They had, after all, discussed Jason's mistakes in her dorm room upstairs when he hadn't been wearing this suit and mask like he was now, standing in front of her as she sat on the bench by the building entrance. It was mere hours after he'd gone back to the manor, yet his older brother had no longer been there, Bruce saying something about how he'd made his visit quick.
"He didn't want to stick around for very long," he'd said.
Although Damian had wanted to make a snotty remark, he'd bitten his tongue and refrained from doing so. All that mattered was that Jess might now understand why he couldn't stand to be in the same vicinity as Jason… Now, perhaps the masked hero she supposedly trusted could drive the point home.
"Red Hood. He's dangerous."
She looked away, shivering in the night chill as she brought her knees to her chest. "Care to tell me why?"
Robin let out an exasperated sigh and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "I know from experience," he told her, unable to keep from the sarcasm tainting his tone. "Vigilante and hero stuff, you know."
"You have some perfect timing, coming here to tell me this the exact day he showed up," she told him, eyes filled with something he couldn't quite read. "So what about you?"
"What about me?"
Jess rolled her eyes and stood from the bench, taking a few steps towards him and gesturing at his figure. "You visit me at night with that sword at your side, warning me about a guy who runs around with guns as if there's something about him that makes him any different from you."
We are different. Despite the darkness and Gotham Academy's dim, outdoor lights behind her, he caught the way her eyes drilled into him… as if she was attempting to find something in his face beneath his hood.
"I don't follow—"
"Instead of beating around the bush, why don't you tell me why I should avoid him? Give me an actual reason to be afraid of him." Jess crossed her arms and looked around, flustered, before glancing at him again. "Because as far as I'm concerned, you could be just as dangerous as Red Hood. It's only your word against his."
Annoyance seared through him. "And as far as I know, I've looked out for you."
"So has he."
At that, Robin and Jess were silent, nothing but their intense stares between them in the surrounding darkness. He had no ounce of desire to admit it… but he knew she was right.
But only to a certain extent.
That one night he'd taken her off the street did not mean Jason Todd couldn't slip up again, hurting Jess… or worse.
"Look…" she was saying, her voice quieter than before. "I get your concern, but I think I can figure this one out on my own."
She let out a defeated laugh as she reached up to run her fingers through her hair. "And yeah, you're right — you've been there for me more times than I would've imagined, and I appreciate that, but… Why?"
His brows knitted together beneath his mask. "Why what?"
Jess paused for so long he almost thought she wouldn't answer. "Why do you care so much? Why do you keep finding me when I'm doing fine after earlier this year?"
There was a pang in his chest. Briefly, he saw the way she'd looked at him on that hotel rooftop the night after her arrest, how she had seemed curious yet wary at the same time. He'd only visited her because his father had asked him to… and from then on, every visit had been his own decision. Because he'd wanted to. Because...
"I have to."
He could tell she was only confused further, her mouth opening to probe him more. Stepping backwards, Robin gestured towards her and said, "I gave you my warning. Red Hood is not a man you want in your life."
It wasn't until he was several yards away, walking further into the night, that he heard her call, "You don't actually 'have to,' you know… There are other people in this city that you should care about."
Ignoring her, Robin left her alone, waiting and hidden in one of the campus's darkest areas. He watched as she took another minute to stand there in front of the building, appearing completely lost in thought, before going back up to her room. The light behind her curtains went out after a short while, telling him she was climbing into her bed. He wondered if she was thinking about him, about Robin, about his brother. What was going on in her mind? Would she take what Robin had said into consideration? Perhaps she would compare his warning to what she knew about Irene.
What he did know as he continued patrol that night was that their moment in her dorm room had done something that hadn't occurred in an extended period of time. He'd already known his friend had somehow found her way beyond his defenses, that she allowed him a space that didn't require false pretenses and lack of emotion… yet after he'd confessed that he could not share the experience that had left him and Jason estranged, after she'd taken his hand and remained silent, Damian had felt the familiar signs of human emotions and vulnerability he had consistently ignored for years.
Memories, old feelings, this inexplicable friendship he'd found in Jess — all of it had reminded him what the desire to cry was like.
If there was anything he knew once again and more than ever, it was being able to feel.
She heard a huffed sigh and looked up to see what appeared to be annoyance written on Kade's features as they continued walking down the concrete path. He'd caught her between classes to walk her across campus and see what she was up to. "Wanna go on a date?" she'd asked, eager to find some time with just the two of them, especially after the past week.
From what she knew, Damian hadn't seen Jason after that day he'd shown up. Maybe his big brother had gotten the message (again) that Damian didn't want to see him around, but Jess had been less concerned about their history and more worried about her friend. Though things felt fine after their impromptu heart-to-heart, she couldn't help thinking back to the fact that Damian's brother was Red Hood, an actual hero, vigilante, whatever he wanted to call himself, wearing a mask and apprehending bad guys. How had that affected the way he'd grown up besides the situation with Irene? Why did he do it at all?
And speaking of Irene… Jess had seen the way Damian changed while talking about her. She could tell the entire ordeal had prodded at the scar, that it still hurt on rainy days, that it was one of the reasons he was the way he was. His vulnerability had made her feel this certain desire to protect him from anything else that could hurt him… including Jason. In spite of the few things she knew about the man and how he'd helped her that night she'd been drunk out of her mind, there was nothing to take lightly about what had happened between him and Damian. Maybe she didn't quite understand, and of course she hadn't been there, but Jess would have been naive to ignore how torn her friend had looked, sitting on her bed and doing his best to open up to her.
Confusion knitting her brows together, Jess asked, "What?"
"Nothing," was all Kade said, face turned straight ahead.
Slowing in her steps, Jess reached out and took his hand to turn him towards her. "That sigh didn't sound like 'nothing.'"
Though Kade stopped walking, he didn't meet her gaze: his eyes trained on something behind her as he pulled his hand back and crossed his arms. "I just might have plans already with the guys and Liv this week."
"You have plans on both Thursday and Friday?"
"Yeah."
She blinked. "Um… okay, well, what about Saturday?"
He didn't say anything for a moment, staring at the ground before meeting her eyes.
"Look, Jess, I love that you want to spend time with me," he told her calmly with a small smile, "but you gotta share me with everyone else."
Her chest tightened and an almost sour feeling rose in her gut.
Clearing her throat, Jess broke eye contact and shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "What are you saying?"
She pulled her coat tighter around herself. Fall was approaching Gotham quickly; it still got relatively warm during the day and much colder at night, but rain was more frequent now, too. At this point, she'd learned to keep an umbrella in her dorm from now on.
Kade took a deep breath, looking away momentarily and then locking eyes with her again. "I'm just saying you're… you're being a little clingy."
At that, she didn't know what to say. Swallowing against the thickness in her throat, she found herself glancing around to see if anyone was witnessing their little discussion out in the open. The nearest group of students were across the courtyard though, engaged in their own laughter and activity.
Clingy.
"I just think we already spend a ton of time together."
"And that's a bad thing?"
He raised a brow. "Well, when it's almost every day, yeah. I get that you don't really have a lot of people to hang out with besides me, Misty, and Wayne, but you know, I'm a little different. I have other friends I wanna see."
She locked eyes with him then, slightly insulted. "Did you really just say that?"
His gray-blues widened for a second before he rolled them and threw his hands up helplessly. "I didn't mean it like that. Come on. There's nothing wrong with you not having a lot of friends."
Heat was flushing her cheeks and the rest of her body, filling her with irritation.
"What I mean is that we spend a lot of time together, and I need to breathe. Alright? That's it. It isn't a big deal."
All she could do was stand there, humiliation slowly taking over the confusion and annoyance. This was entirely new to her, but… she supposed it sort of made sense. They did spend every other day together, although after that day at the fair, he'd been a lot busier. Still, that didn't mean this conversation was making her feel any less uncomfortable and surprised at how he was apparently feeling.
Cool eyes flashed at her silence, and then Kade was raising his brows again. "Jess?"
Her heart was sinking into her stomach. His words definitely didn't sit well with her. Part of her didn't think it was quite fair that he'd played that card, but another urged her to just appease him. What would it hurt to let him dedicate more time to other friends and things he liked to do anyway? Especially compared to not doing anything about it at all. And it wasn't like he'd said he didn't enjoy time with her. Obviously, quality time just wasn't quite his style.
After a moment of hurried albeit slightly painful contemplation, she took a deep breath and conceded, "Okay. But could you just tell me when you do want to hang out or go on a date? You know... keep me updated."
Kade's brows fell, the seriousness leaving his face. "Of course."
She only offered a tentative smile, suddenly unable to say anything more. Her only hope was a change in his frustrated attitude.
He then returned the gesture with his own sly grin, reaching out to take her face in his hands and plant a kiss on her nose. "Come on, let's get you to class."
Burying the previous, bitter feelings of embarrassment and hurt, Jess let him take her hand and lead her across the courtyard, filing away a mental reminder to see if Damian wanted to hang out later in the week.
Days later, Kade's answer was still the same. She'd been patient, spending the rest of her school days with Misty or Damian or some other classmates she'd met, but the wait hadn't been worth it. It was a Saturday afternoon that Jess called him while in one of the Wayne manor's numerous bathrooms, eager to find out if he wanted to catch a movie she'd been eyeing over the next few nights.
"Eh, not really interested in that one. I never liked that one actor's movies."
"Okay… well, we could see something else?"
There was a sigh on the other end. "Babe, I'm probably not free until Wednesday anyway."
"... Again?"
"Yeah, again."
She had to take a deep breath as she stared unseeingly at the sink, her phone pressed to her ear. "Okay," she answered simply.
"Hey, I'm sorry, okay? I promise I'll be free on your birthday at the least. I'm trying my best to juggle all this, so I'd really appreciate it if you don't make it more complicated. Kind of getting annoying, Jess."
Against her will, her eyes stung, making her shut them and force herself to take a deep breath. There were so many questions she had and so many other things she wanted to say… but she didn't.
"I know," Jess told him in as even a voice as possible.
"Alright, I'll talk to you later, 'kay?"
The next few minutes were spent trying not to drown in feelings that made her feel nothing but pathetic and… well, a little humiliated again. Was she really as needy as he said? She did like hanging around her two friends and boyfriend more than she enjoyed being by herself (most of the time) — maybe that did make her "clingy."
Shoving all the rampant thoughts from her mind, she returned to the kitchen where Damian had finished putting together the salad they were going to share. She hardly paid attention as he made her a bowl, aware of the slight headache filling her head. It was getting a bit easier every day going without stardust, but it only took a small thing to set off the withdrawal symptoms: stress over a homework assignment, a bad dream, allowing herself to slip into a state of overthinking… worrying about being a burden. The phone call seemed to check those boxes, making it difficult to remain present and mindful about where she was and who she was with.
"Jessica."
"Yeah?"
"Look at me."
She swallowed hard before straightening up and looking over at Damian, who was peering at her from where he leaned against the kitchen counter. He seemed to analyze her for a while, green irises heavy with suspicion.
"Food on my face?" she tried to ask in a witty tone, looking back down at the salad before her. She stabbed a baby tomato but didn't bring it to her mouth.
"Kind of getting annoying, Jess" echoed in her head.
That was when he moved in the corner of her eye, approaching her until he stood right next to her stool. Out of nervousness, Jess glanced up and saw that the scrutinizing look had disappeared from her friend's face. It'd been replaced by something almost amiable, which kind of caught her off-guard.
"Are you alright?"
The words yanked at the plug she'd shoved into her pipeline of emotions. A hint of the urge to cry ached in her chest, but Jess bit down on it.
"I'm okay. Are you?" she returned casually, reaching to take a sip of her water.
"Jessica."
She couldn't help sighing. "What, Damian?"
"Why have you been crying?"
At that, Jess's gaze snapped immediately onto him in alarm. Hadn't she fixed herself up enough in the bathroom? She'd even waited to make sure her eyes were no longer bloodshot and that her mascara looked fine, smoothed her hair back into its ponytail.
But Damian was looking at her with something like… worry? Those slight wrinkles were there again between his brows, a slight frown on his lips—
Without warning, a warm tear slipped down her face, and Jess reached up to wipe it away while averting her gaze. "Was hoping you wouldn't notice," she mumbled.
He was silent, so she took a deep breath to try and curb the growing desire to continue crying. "It's just… it's still hard going without, uh, stardust. You know, I don't always get a lot of sleep and there are times I just get restless and worry about things."
There was definitely something else, another thing that made her hurt that she couldn't bear mentioning… especially since it would most likely make Damian upset. And she didn't want to do that to him.
"I wanna ask you something..."
Damian raised a brow, moving to lean against the island counter right beside her.
Clearing her throat and keeping her gaze on the salad, she asked quietly, "Do we spend too much time together?"
"You asked a similar question when we first met."
She remembered that. He'd told her he didn't mind giving her rides around town and that he enjoyed her company.
Jess shrugged. "Do you ever wish… we didn't hang out as much?"
"... No, I don't. Why? Does someone think we spend more than enough time together?"
"No…"
Not necessarily.
"Is it Kade?"
"Well, geez, that's presumptive of you." She raised a brow at him despite the urge to cry that was still in her throat and chest.
"'Presumptive'?"
"I learned it in my literature class, okay? Why are you assuming it's Kade?"
Damian held her gaze with ease until she sighed and threw her hands up in defeat.
"I just… wonder about it sometimes, that's all. I wonder if you and Misty get tired of me."
"What are you really concerned about, Jessica?"
Normally, she would have most likely snapped at him for being so nosey and needing every detail… but her mind only drifted to the two separate conversations she'd had with her boyfriend, both during which he'd expressed how he needed them to spend less time together.
"Maybe I'm clingy," she finally answered. "I don't know. It's stupid."
Reluctantly, Jess looked up and saw the shift in her friend's face. "You truly believe that?" he asked, though it sounded more like a statement.
She couldn't respond, not while fighting back the tears.
He was crossing his arms now, training his eyes across the kitchen on nothing in particular. His jaw was set as he clenched it, telling her that he was reacting in exactly the way she'd predicted.
She saw how much he wanted to disagree, so she shook her head. "It's not a big deal, okay? I'll get over it."
"Jess—"
"Look, I'm just tired and everything is getting to me." Her voice trembled, wavering just like her strength keeping her together.
Damian's eyes softened just a little bit. The way he was looking at her — Jess had to tear her own gaze away as another tear escaped. The next thing she knew, he was taking her elbow gently to pull her up from the stool. His arms were around her then, and the gesture dislodged that plug in her emotions, making the sobs rise from her chest.
Who knew if everything tearing at her was supposed to? Maybe it all felt too much because she was just riddled with complicated feelings and dumb sentiments, or maybe she simply wasn't built to handle all of it. That's a question for my therapist next week, she bitterly thought as she hugged her friend, allowing the safety that was his arms to hold her.
And then she heard him speaking quietly and slowly, his voice rumbling in his chest that her face was pressed against. It was strangely calming.
"I enjoy the time we spend together, Jessica. No matter what it is we're doing."
The look on her face when she pulled back the curtain was comical. The expression of suspicion and wariness had morphed into shock and then an eye-roll before she opened the window. Crossing her arms, Jess regarded him with a raised eyebrow but said nothing.
"Nice place," Jason mused as he peered past her to take a look around her small dorm room. "Pretty neat you have your own little balcony, too. Guess the Wayne money pays for itself, eh?"
Jess didn't laugh. "What are you doing knocking on my window at eleven o' clock, Jason? Or should I call you—" she dropped her voice, "Red Hood?"
"God, no. That's weird. Just Jason'll do."
"Okay. So…?" She pressed her lips together and raised her brows. "Wait, let me guess. You're here to make your case against what Robin and Damian have said about you… I was wondering how long it'd be until you showed up."
Robin and Damian in the same sentence? Whoa. Had his little brother…? Keeping his face passive, Jason looked her up and down and tried to read the girl. She looked sort of annoyed, sure, but that might've just been because he'd disturbed her this late on a school night. And, to his knowledge, she was still hanging around the Baby Bat, so he couldn't have possibly made the stupid decision to tell her the truth. Nah, Jason had a pretty damn good feeling Damian didn't want to go down that route — if he had, Jess wouldn't want to be near him.
The way she'd said both those names suggested she still saw them as two, separate people anyway.
Jason shrugged from where he leaned against the window frame. "I'm sure what some of they've said is true."
"Like you being dangerous?"
He had to chuckle at that. Oh, Demon Spawn. "Yeah, I guess that's true to some degree. What else they tell you?"
Her doll-like, hazel eyes glanced downward before meeting his again. "Honestly, not much else besides that." She sighed before adding, "Even if they don't know each other, they're sure alike when it comes to keeping things as vague as possible for me."
"You have no idea," he said without thinking and caught the puzzled look she gave him.
Jesus, shut up, Jason.
Quickly, he changed the subject. "Anyway. I'm actually here to ask you what you know about Jax Eastman."
The name had her eyes widening for a fraction of a second as she processed the fact that he'd spoken of someone she knew. Jess glanced out into the night past him before softly answering, "I doubt I know as much as you do beyond the basics… Why?"
Well, she was probably right in that sense. Jason had dug up quite a bit of info when it came to the people she'd run around with earlier in the year, first as a routine check on the teenage girl and what she was like after their first meeting, secondly…
"Let's just say I've had to learn more about him and the little gang you ran with. More than I really care to know."
"What happened to him?"
"You don't know?"
"I really didn't pay attention after we got caught," she told him indifferently with a headshake. "As long as they were far away from me, I didn't care."
Jason then gave a heavy sigh. "Yeah, well... he got out on bail last week."
Just as he'd expected, something like a mix of disbelief and fear crossed her face, but he knew it'd only get worse. Besides, if she was scared or nervous about the guy being out on bail… the news Jason was really bringing her would definitely be worse. Way worse.
Now, maybe showing up at the manor without knowing she'd be there had been a mistake on his part and definitely not part of his plan, but this was the thing that really mattered. It wouldn't have been a difference if he'd made this "attempt" at reconnecting with his family in a way that didn't involve the girl because in the end, this was where he'd have to start paying attention. This was where she counted in spite of the accidental way he'd gone and pissed off the demon brat (again) and stirred up more family trouble.
"He got out..." she echoed slowly.
"But you don't have to worry about that anymore," Jason told her solemnly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. "Because, uh... the guy's dead."
2 years ago
One of the curses that came with being who he was… he felt it as he watched her walk towards him, dressed in a double-breasted coat with her raven-black hair tied in an elegant braid that fell over her shoulder. He could see it in her body language, in the way her dark eyes darted around her surroundings, how she had ignored every call and message he'd left her over the last several days up until this morning. It was a foreboding feeling, a heavy, sickening ball of ironic nothingness that had begun haunting him the moment she'd finally called and asked him to meet.
Damian had already known what she needed to say before he even found his voice to agree.
She stopped a few steps before him, a kind smile on her face to greet him. But he couldn't help noticing that it was not the same one she always gave him; it lasted too short, faltered, before she looked away and then met his eyes again.
He wanted to say something, but what? What could he possibly say after he'd spend days telling her everything he could?
"Thank you for meeting me," she said, voice soft but audible despite the distant noise of Gothamites and children in the park nearby. The hair framing her youthful face fluttered in the light breeze, and he had to resist the urge to tuck it behind her ear.
"I wondered if I should even call you and see you in person," she continued, looking up at him with the only pair of eyes he'd ever felt seen by. "But I decided that… even if I feel like you don't deserve it, it's the right thing to do. And I had to see you one more time."
She let out a short laugh, an airy one that he knew he'd never hear again. "To think I still can't bear missing out on one last opportunity to look at you… despite what happened."
He couldn't speak. He could only feel the dreaded emotions rising in him, the aching in his bones that was going to torment him for… well, he did not know, unfortunately.
"We're leaving tomorrow morning. Maybe you already knew that, but I just…"
Irene seemed to pause, something like pain flashing across her face as she swallowed and looked away. "I wanted to let you know face-to-face."
Of course he'd known. Yet all the time in the world wouldn't have prepared Damian for the guilt and hurt that washed through him then as he stared at the young woman he loved and had hurt in the same breath. He'd known from the beginning this could happen when he lived the two lives that he did, but it was at this moment that he reminded himself that he should never have fooled himself into thinking it would yield a desirable outcome. He should have remained cynical, practical, logical…
He should have protected her.
"Damian."
She was gazing at him again, eyes roaming his face. "If there's anything I want you to know about—about all this that happened… it's that I still mean what I said when you told me who you are. It's still true."
Memories of that day slipped into the edges of his mind, but he refused to let them in. It no longer mattered that she had called him a hero, that she had still attempted to make him "realize" he was more than what he felt. None of that held any weight when it was that very day he made the mistake of telling her the truth. It was the only reason she was standing before him, telling him that she would be leaving.
"Irene…"
The words wouldn't leave his mouth even after moments of trying to speak.
Tenderness filled her eyes. "I know."
He still couldn't bring himself to say a word even when she hesitated, looking torn with herself. She appeared to be longing to say or do something, yet Irene was taking a deep breath and making eye contact again.
"Take care, Damian."
And just like that, he continued to stand there, watching Irene walk away and take every shred of positivity and light in his life away with each step, knowing exactly why he'd lost her.
In every mistake, there is a lesson. And in this one, he had certainly learned — he'd learned the hard way, and he was never going to let it happen again.
Because Damian Wayne did not make the same mistake twice.
Note: so a lot happened in this update... haha. i felt the need to cover quite a bit as we continue into some more dramatic things (not going to lie, i rewrote this in so many different ways, i just get confused reading it back over so i figured that was a sign i should just upload it and be done with it LOL). i know it might've felt like Damian's big secret was going to be revealed, but considering how that worked out for him in the past along with his strained relationship with Jason, i think he's gonna do everything he can to keep that under control (and keep Jess in the dark). on one hand, he might want to open up to her and be honest, but on the other, he's more worried about making the same mistake he did with Irene. so we shall see how that works out for them later on xD
thanks for all the love and patience! hope everyone is doing well — this week was pretty crazy as i'm sure most of you know.
now i'm gonna go recuperate and try to get started on writing up more thrilling stuff. Jess's birthday, more Jason, more Kade (i know, i know, he's getting a little additional screen time but for good reason, promise)
