Chapter 32
It had been a few days since his reunion with Jonas, and after that, Nikolo had yet to hear of him or of any trouble that could have been caused by the man. Thanks to that, he was convinced that the man had been too drunk to remember anything. Crisis averted, is what he'd been sure of still this morning, but as he and Thomas stepped out of the ghetto and Jonas was there, talking with the gate guards, he couldn't help but feel some dread.
"It's fine; he's just here to see those two" he assured himself "Just act natural."
As Jonas greeted them, his face or tone didn't give off any reason to be alarmed. Maybe there was no reason to be worried after all. They chatted for a while before Thomas and Nikolo left to change, the later finally able to relax again as he took off his jacket in the dressing room.
"Are you alright?" Thomas asks him "You seemed a little tense out there."
The question of if Jonas had something to do with it went unsaid, but it was clearly there.
"I'm fine, just had a little disagreement with Jonas last time" he chuckles, hoping it sounds genuine enough "He was drunk though, so I'm not taking it too seriously. Plus, he probably doesn't remember even half of our conversation."
"Low alcohol tolerance?"
"Absolutely" Nikolo said "And so's mine, but I seem to have better self-control."
"No point in challenging you to a drinking competition, then" Thomas says as he takes off his own jacket "But we are going drinking now, right?"
"Absolutely" Nikolo grins "Though I'm stopping after the second drink."
"We have evening shift tomorrow too, though"
"Which is why I can drink two instead of one" Nikolo reasons as he puts his civilian jacket on, pausing as he feels something in its pocket. Curious, he pulled out the piece of paper he'd felt. It only had one sentence written on it, but it was enough to make the man pale. It said: So, what is it that you love about Sasha?
"He remembers!?" Nikolo thought in disbelief. There was no way this was from anyone else but Jonas "Or maybe he doesn't remember, but had this done even before we went drinking?"
What was he supposed to do now? Should he just ignore it and hope that Jonas wouldn't bring it up? Yes, that would be for the best. But he had to come up with something to say to him in case he did bring it up.
"You okay, Nikolo?" Thomas asks suddenly "What's that?"
"What's what?" Nikolo asks before realizing that he's still holding the piece of paper, gripping it tightly "Ah, nothing, just Jonas messing with me."
Thomas frowns, and Nikolo can tell he's about to enter his worry wart -mode again. Rats.
"With how worried you seem, I don't think it's just some little prank" he says "Nikolo, do you need help with something? Be honest."
Did he need help? He was pretty sure he did, but could Thomas help him? He was pretty sure the man couldn't, even if he really wanted to. No, this was something he had to handle on his own.
"It's nothing that serious; he's just being an ass" Nikolo says "And, well, this note kind of struck a nerve. I don't think he even realizes how badly."
That one was a lie, of course. Whatever Jonas' game was, Nikolo was sure the injured man knew exactly what he was doing. Now the only question was, just what the heck did he want?
"Your face says otherwise" Thomas insists, his eyes locked on Nikolo "Are you in some kind of trouble? Real trouble?"
"Yes" he couldn't tell the man that. He hopes that he'll sound convincing "No, I'm not."
He sighs, trying to come up with something. Scratching his head, he starts: "I probably shouldn't tell you this, he'd get mad if he knew, but Jonas… he's having a hard time right now. During his time… over there… something seems to have happened. He's a bit… out of it? Upset?"
He wasn't exactly lying; when Jonas had talked about the fire, his presence had felt a little haunted. The way Nikolo said it all made it seem like a bigger deal than it probably was, but if it could get Thomas to drop it…
The former POW inspects the man, who's looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. Finally, he looks away, as if ashamed.
"…So it's that kind of thing" he says with a sigh. Nikolo's not sure what his partner meant, but he stays quiet, waiting for the man to continue.
"Right, of course. This isn't the kind of thing you, or him, would want to talk about with just anyone, or someone who doesn't get it, right?" he says, making Nikolo feel guilty. Looks like he had made Thomas think that the man had brought up some really bad memories. Shit.
"I understand that he might need someone who has similar experiences to talk to, and you probably want to help, but don't do it at the expense of your own wellbeing, alright?" Thomas says, looking at him with eyes that are almost pitying "You survived there for nine years; you don't need to remind yourself of everything just for the sake of someone who had trouble with three months."
Nikolo was at a loss of words, and not in a good way. He had really messed up, now. He got Thomas off his back, but for what price? The way the man would think of Eldians-
"That's not what I- "he stops, not sure what to say. He couldn't just spill out the whole thing, but he couldn't leave the misunderstanding as it was, either "It's… it's not really that bad. It's just really complicated and hard to explain if… if you haven't seen certain things."
Again, there was truth mixed in. It was hard, no, impossible to understand Nikolo's inner conflict if one hadn't been to the island themselves, or so he believed. Not that he was sure that having been there necessarily helped, either.
"I'm sure you're right" Thomas says "But while I know I'll never understand some things, I want you to know that I'm here whenever you want to talk, and will be ready to help in any way that I can."
Yeah, he knew that alright. Thomas had made it very clear.
"I know" he says "Thanks."
This would've been a good place to drop the conversation, but Nikolo knows he can't do that yet. There was something he had to make clear first.
"But Thomas?"
"Yes?"
"Don't let anything that I, or anyone, say affect your thinking too much" he says "Base your opinions and actions on what you see."
He left it unsaid that he was talking about the treatment of Eldians specifically, but he didn't think it was necessary. By now, surely the two of them understood each other well enough that Thomas caught the hint.
"I always base my decisions on what I see" the man says, smiling at Nikolo "And that includes whatever action I've seen people I trust take."
"What a way to dance around the subject" Nikolo thought, but didn't say it. He'd delivered his message, and now he just had to hope it got across "So… to the bar?"
"Absolutely"
As they left, Nikolo wondered that maybe he should just stick with one drink after the talk they'd just had, least he lets something unnecessary slip from his mouth.
XXXXX
Dinner time. Hamburgers. Unusual, but Sasha didn't mind. She liked hamburgers, even if they brought unpleasant memories to surface…
Flashback
Once again, Sasha had no idea what Nikolo was cooking. It looked like he might've been simply making sandwiches, but she knew it wasn't the case since he'd said the day before that he'd make them something even she hadn't tried before. That thought had excited her, so she'd snuck in to the kitchen to watch his cooking before the agreed meeting time. He had yet to notice her presence, even.
"C'mon, what're ya making?" Sasha wondered to herself, seeing him frying some meat. Curiosity getting the best of her, she went to get a closer look, looking at his cooking over his shoulder, yet Nikolo still didn't notice her. As she stood there, she leaned a little closer, her shoulder brushing against the man's as she did.
That was a mistake.
As soon as their bodies made contact, Nikolo spun around, pushing Sasha away as he did, holding the wooden fork that had been in his hand in front of him like a knife. Had it actually been one, it would've been dangerous, Sasha later realized. But at the moment, her focus was on something else entirely.
The look on his face.
Nikolo was staring at her, eyes wide with fright, mouth clenched shut tightly. Sasha stared right back, startled, but snapped out of it soon enough.
"Easy there; it's just me" she said, holding her hands up in front of her "Sorry for scaring ya."
Nikolo stared at her for a moment longer, and Sasha started to get worried. She wondered if she should say something more or do something, but she didn't want to make things worse.
"…Nikolo?" she hesitantly called the man's name. That seemed to work, for he blinked, finally seeming to realize where he was as the fear left his eyes and he looked around, confused, before lowering the wooden fork "Are you okay?"
"Yeah" he said quietly, lowering his head to his free hand "Yeah, I'm good."
He was not, Sasha was sure.
"…Do you want to talk about it?" she asks hesitantly, wanting to help.
"There's nothing to talk about" Nikolo narrowed his eyes "Aside from the fact of what are you doing, sneaking around like this?"
Sasha smiled sheepishly.
"Well~"
Flashback
"And that was far from the only time something like that happened" Sasha remembered "I should've insisted that he'd talk about it sooner."
Nikolo's jumpiness had gotten him in some trouble after all. Nothing they couldn't handle, with Jean and especially Armin by their side, but she would've rather avoided it if she could've.
"But he got over it with time, for the most part" Sasha remembered "And since he's home now, he should have nothing to fear."
But the memories woke up a sleeping fear in Sasha that she'd been able to bury deep inside until now.
"What if he doesn't even want to come back after all that happened?"
XXXXX
Nikolo had stopped at one drink, just in case. Well, he'd drunk two thanks to Thomas' insistence, but the second one had been non-alcoholic. Of course, he hadn't told the other man that. Now he was on his way home, fortunately not even tipsy. And he was damn glad that he wasn't when, halfway on his way home, he stepped around a corner and came face to face with Jonas. It wasn't a coincidence, he was sure, for he had never seen the man around this part of the city before. Would he just happen to be out this late at night, in this area, likely pretty far from home, when he still needed the crutches to move around? No way.
"…What's up?" Nikolo asks him, though he already knows. The only question is if they're going to talk in metaphors and dance around the subject, or if they'll talk of things as they are.
"I think you already know" Jonas says "You've found the note, right?"
Straight to the point. Damn it, Nikolo hadn't had the time to think!
"…Screw it; he can't prove anything" Nikolo knows, forming his face to an open scowl. He's made his decision "I'll tell him what he wants to know, and deny it all if he tries to spread it around."
The man had no proof.
"Yes, I have" he answers, crossing his arms "And?"
"Aren't you going to answer the question I made?"
"It's none of your business" Nikolo says "It's late and I got work tomorrow, so if that's all, I'm going home."
Jonas looks at him with a raised eyebrow as he walks past him.
"You're not gonna deny it?" he calls after the man.
"No" Nikolo calls back without turning around "Good night, Jonas."
"Wha-? Hey, wait up!" Jonas calls, and Nikolo can hear him struggling to catch up. With the other man being injured, he knows he could easily run off, perhaps even just walk if he went fast, and lose him, but he doesn't. It was better to get this out of the way now, before the man started bugging him in front of other people. Otherwise, he could deny it all, but since there were some people who knew Sasha's name, he couldn't let the man shoot off his mouth in the wrong place.
"What?" he asks, annoyed.
"You can't just walk away after admitting something like that!" Jonas hisses as he catches up. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he continues: "First of all, do you realize how deep shit you'll be in if this gets out?"
"Keyword being if" Nikolo says, turning around "Say something, and I'll deny it. As long as you have no proof, there will be no consequences."
"You think you've been careful, huh?" Jonas asks "I don't have any proof right now, sure, but what if I got someone high up to believe me? What if they dug through things, both here and on Paradis? Asked things from the right people, like your former fellow war prisoners, or some not so bright Eldians? Hell, Sasha herself would probably be dumb enough to let something slip!"
Nikolo froze. He stared for a while, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. It was alright; that could work in theory, but there was no way Jonas had such an influence over anyone who was high enough. And even if he did, there'd be no guarantee that people would speak.
"No… they would…" he realized, his mind immediately starting to list the options. If asked directly, Grior would rat him out, no doubt. There had to be others too, even if they hadn't had front row seats like Grior. In Eldia, if anyone got on their good side, the Military Police probably wouldn't hesitate to share some details. Or some drunken scout, or one that simply wasn't all that smart. And if they wanted to get their work done thoroughly, they'd speak to people who Nikolo had spent a lot of time with after his return. They'd talk to Thomas, who probably wouldn't have his back anymore at that point, and he wouldn't blame the man for that. They'd question his family, and they'd be honest, thinking that they were doing what was the best for him, but they might as well become the ones who'd put the last nail on his coffin.
"Also, you've pretty much admitted now that you're guilty. What makes you so sure I came alone?" Jonas continues. For a few seconds, Nikolo actually panics, but then realizes that it had to be a bluff this time.
"If there was someone else around, I would've noticed" of this, Nikolo was sure. Had he stopped to talk with Jonas from the beginning, another person might've gone unnoticed, but if someone had followed them when he walked off, he would've noticed. But there was no one; the street was empty save for them, and he knew the area, knowing that there weren't really places to hide, much less to follow them from unnoticed.
They hold each other's gazes for a while, neither saying anything, and Nikolo could tell that Jonas was trying to intimidate him, trying to get him to suspect his own conclusion. Finally, the injured man chuckles.
"True" he says with a shrug "I came alone. My other point still stands, though."
That it did. If Nikolo acted fast, he could get a word to his family and Thomas, perhaps get them to deny anything too damaging, but he couldn't get a word to Paradis. And even if he got a word to Grior and the others, it was likelier that they'd throw him to the dogs than not. If someone in charge actually took Jonas seriously, he was screwed.
"Pfft" Nikolo glared when he heard Jonas let out a laugh, one that he was clearly trying to hold back. Through gritted teeth, he asks: "What's so funny?"
"You" he says, not even hesitating, before bursting in to full blown laughter. The other soldier keeps glaring, repeating in his mind over and over again that he mustn't hit Jonas, that nothing good would come out of it. Holding himself back was getting harder and harder every second, though "You're panicking so hard!"
Nikolo stayed silent, unable to deny it. Instead, he just kept reminding himself that punching the guy wouldn't help him in any way. Or well, he'd probably feel better for a few seconds, but it wasn't worth the trouble. It wasn't worth the trouble.
Jonas kept laughing for a while longer before getting himself under control. Then, much to Nikolo's surprise, he said: "Relax man, I'm not gonna rat you out."
"…Huh?"
"You should've figured it out, you know" Jonas says with a roll of his eyes "If I was really gonna do it, I wouldn't have told you so until you were already in trouble so that you wouldn't have had time to prepare."
That… made sense, Nikolo supposed as his mind was going on overdrive. From disbelief to relief, from embarrassment to annoyance, if not straight down anger, which he suppressed with great difficulty.
"…You're an asshole" he simply said before turning around and walking away.
"Can't deny that" Jonas agrees, a smile still on his face as he follows after Nikolo again "Wait up."
The man doesn't. He keeps walking, trying to buy time to calm himself down, but he doesn't dash off, either. He can't do that, not before he knows if his partner is serious about keeping quiet or not. He lets Jonas hop after him, barely keeping up, for quite a while, only forcing himself to stop when it becomes apparent that his partner won't last long anymore, his breathing getting heavy.
"Fucking finally" Jonas mutters, stopping to catch a breath "You know, if I was a really huge asshole, I could've changed my mind due to you making me run around like this."
"Don't you mean hop around?" Nikolo can't help but ask, and Jonas glares at him.
"Don't make it any more tempting than it already is" he hisses. Somehow though, Nikolo doesn't feel all that threatened at this point. Jonas followed after him despite the state the man was in; that in itself spoke a lot. The man very well may be telling the truth.
"Anyway" Jonas clears his throat "I'm not telling anyone, honestly. Just brought this up to mess with you."
The "mess with you" -part made sense to Nikolo; Jonas was that kind of person after all. The "not gonna tell anyone" -part, however, did not.
"Why would you keep it to yourself?" he asks "What do you gain from it?"
Jonas sighs, sounding frustrated.
"I thought we already went through that one and concluded that I'm not that much of an ass" he says "If I told someone and was taken seriously, you'd lose your job and your family would be disgraced -if you're lucky, that is. And who knows what kind of trouble would your feelings towards her land Sasha in? She doesn't need to get in trouble just because you can't hide your feelings."
"…" well, he wasn't wrong. He supposed that her squad and direct superiors wouldn't pat an eye, in fact most of them had caught on ages ago, but it could cause her trouble among other people. But right now, he had something else in his mind: "How did you even find out?"
Jonas shrugs.
"I wasn't sure until I saw your reaction" he says "But I heard bits and pieces here and there while on Paradis, and from what little Sasha talked about you, it became pretty clear that you two were close."
Nikolo's heart skipped a beat, he was sure.
"What did she say?"
Jonas quirks a brow, asking: "You'd want to know, wouldn't you?"
Nikolo glared.
"So, you're enough of an ass to run your mouth when no one wants to hear and to shut up when someone would actually listen?"
"Yup, that's my level" Jonas admits. Then, his grin fades, and Nikolo has a feeling that he knows what's coming.
"From what I've heard, you plan on going back" he says "And then what?"
"What do you mean what?" he asks with a frown.
"Are you going to confess and then forget her? Probably not. Of course, if she rejects you, the problem's solved, but if not? What if she returns your feelings?" Jonas asks "She lives there, you live here, and if you two hooked up, you'd have to keep it a secret. Unless something changes radically, you two have no future together."
Nikolo opened his mouth to protest, but then closed it again as he realized that he didn't know what to say, how to prove that Jonas was wrong. He started to get angry, but he wasn't sure if it was at Jonas or at himself… no, definitely himself. Jonas had simply brought up a very obvious problem that's existence he'd been aware of, but had pushed to the back of his mind. He'd planned to do things one step at a time, wanting to get to Sasha first before thinking of what then, but perhaps that was too naïve, foolish even.
"Things were so simple when I was stuck in Paradis; there was simply no other choice" not to mention that few years before the peace became official, he'd made peace with the idea that he'd never go home, never get to see his family again. Had that been the case, perhaps a future together with Sasha would've been possible, but now…
"Had you really not thought that far?" Jonas asks in disbelief, making Nikolo scowl "Of course I had. I just… thought to handle one problem at a time."
"Fair enough" Jonas says with a shrug "But it doesn't hurt to think ahead… assuming you're seriously considering a future together with her, that is. You could just let the feelings fade with time, you know? Keep your promise and go and confess, but leave it at that, even if she returns your feelings."
Jonas had an excellent point, the logical side of him pointed out.
It's just that, when it came to Sasha, the logical side of him was something Nikolo didn't tend to listen.
"Never" he blurted out before he could even consider censoring himself. Jonas blinks, staring at him with a disbelieving look on his face.
"Ah screw it" Nikolo thought. Jonas already knew way too much; it didn't matter if he continued being honest with him "I'll get back there, and if she returns my feelings, I'll- we'll find a way for us to be together."
Jonas just stares silently, and it gets to the point that Nikolo starts feeling awkward. Clearing his throat, he says: "Well, you've said your piece, right? I'm going home; I have work tomorrow."
"Right, I do too" Jonas agrees "Just… one more thing."
Nikolo raises an eyebrow.
"If there's anything I can help with, let me know"
"Okay, I definitely didn't expect that"
"Don't get me wrong though; I'm not gonna let myself get labeled as an Eldian sympathizer and get fired for your sake" Jonas ads "But if there's something that I can help with that doesn't have unreasonable consequences, you can count on me."
"…Thanks" Nikolo is finally able to say after a long silence that started to get uncomfortable, at least for himself "…Was that all?"
"Yup, I'm good" Jonas says, and this time it's him who turns around to leave "'Night,"
"Goodnight" Nikolo calls back, still a little dumbfounded by the whole thing.
"That was the weirdest thing that's happened since my return home."
A.N: Honestly, when I first created Jonas, he was supposed to be an actual asshole, but he turned out to be a good guy with rough edges.
Anyway, next chapter we'll get to a real turning point of the story that makes Nikolo really think of his priorities in life. See you on March 1st!
