Most characters belong to S. Meyer. The rest belong to me.
HEAL
Bella
I tied my apron around my waist, picked up my bucket and mop and headed for today's assigned area.
I'd completed five weeks service in the kitchens when Ward had reassigned me to the Housekeeping cleaning staff. I'd been mopping floors and dusting for the past three days. Not that the change made a difference to me. I worked as hard at it, disappearing into the work, talking to no-one and keeping to myself.
If only other changes were that easy to deal with.
Since that night two weeks ago, I'd woken every morning in Edward's arms. I'd tried coming to bed after him, I'd tried sleeping on the edge of the bed, I'd tried pushing him off. And yet, every morning, I woke up in his embrace, his hard body against mine, separated from his arousal only by the thin shift I wore and the thin bottoms he wore. I'd get up and bathe - cold showers of-course - as if nothing had happened and we got on with our days without ever addressing it. Add that to the list of things we hadn't talked about. What galled me was that I was actually sleeping better. Add that to the list of things that were clawing at me.
"Cai Isabella." I turned as the Head of Housekeeping came bustling up, looking annoyed. "You're not supposed to be here."
"I must be wrong, Mena." I said, lowering my head. "Where am I supposed to be?"
"You need to pay attention." She said sharply. "Seclusion service is not an excuse to daydream." I kept my head low. I had discovered she was a firm Clan loyalist. And thoroughly unimpressed with what I'd done.
"You'll be cleaning in Healer's. You're late, so hurry there and make up the extra time." She gestured at me impatiently.
My hands tightened around the mop, but I said nothing as I collected my gear and headed towards Healer's.
Definitely still not liking Healing, I thought wryly ten minutes later as I held onto the sink in one of the treatment rooms, retching. I'd avoided the stillroom and stuck to the empty treatment rooms, but I hadn't lasted more than five minutes before the giddiness and nausea hit.
I had to get past this.
I rinsed my mouth out, wiped my face and cleaned the sink out before gritting my teeth and heading to the cupboard at the far end. I rummaged around till I found what I was looking for, not daring to breathe in any of the herb scents. I put a pinch of the herb in some water and drank it down, trying not to gag.
It was something we usually used for morning sickness and it worked. I still felt sick, but I could stand and work and the nausea was manageable. I didn't know how long it would last, though, so I worked as quickly and efficiently as I could.
I was in the stillroom mopping when I heard voices and the door swung open.
"...fascinating compound, believe me." A familiar voice was saying.
"Ah, sorry, Ala, we'll-Bella?" Healer Lora said, surprised.
"Isabella." I said automatically. "Healers." I nodded at her and hid my surprise as I noticed Healer Charis. "I'll be done in a few minutes."
"Your seclusion service, I'm guessing." Lora asked, her expression clearing.
"It is, Healer." I continued mopping without looking up.
"Healer Isabella." Charis said, so I was forced to look up at her. Her clear sharp eyes were taking in my appearance. "I am glad to see you."
"Healer Charis." I inclined my head and went back to mopping.
"I was going to look for you, so it is well that you are here." She said. "Perhaps you could spare me a moment when your service hours are done."
"Not for a few hours, Healer."
"I will be in the gardens."
I nodded reluctantly and then took my mop and retreated to another room.
It was the most thorough cleaning I'd ever done.
She was waiting for me in the garden once I'd returned my gear to Housekeeping rooms and been reminded once more about taking my seclusion service seriously. The herb I had taken had long worn off, so I'd had to battle nausea and giddiness as I made my way through Healer's again.
I took my apron off as I sat down on the bench beside her.
"I won't ask how you are." Charis said without preamble. "They're worried."
"I'm fine."
"You don't look it."
"I'm doing everything I've been told to do." I shrugged. If they wanted me to be cheery and sing and dance through the corridors, they'd wait a long time.
"Almost." She said softly. "Why aren't you Healing?"
"Is that why you're here?" I asked, turning my head to look at her.
"Oh, I was planning on coming back anyway." She said, looking out over the garden. "It's nice to have a good reason to visit Volterra. It's prettier than Petralis."
I'd have liked to have seen Petralis. I doubted I'd be allowed to now. I looked out at the garden.
"I did want to see you again. I've been studying your scent compound. What you've done is fascinating. It's the most complex, intricate, finely created compound I've seen and I've seen a few. You're possibly the most skilled Herbalist the Clans have ever seen, myself included, and I don't say those words lightly. So. Why aren't you Healing?"
I exhaled slowly.
"I can't."
"No, you mean you won't."
"I don't have to explain myself to you, Healer." I said quietly.
"True, you don't." She agreed. "You will have to explain yourself to you, though. Isabella will have to explain to Healer Bella why she's pushing her away."
My hands felt cold.
"You have a gift. And those who are gifted can't be ruled by their whims and needs. They have a greater responsibility, a responsibility to themselves, as much as those around them."
" 'Whims and needs'." I said slowly. "You think I'm being selfish."
"You can't simply walk away from Healing." She replied. "No matter how much you want to. Healers don't get that luxury. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to the Clan." Her voice was calm and implacable.
"I've done everything to serve this Clan." I said as my hands started to shake. "I didn't do it out of obligation. I did it because I wanted to. So don't tell me about my responsibility. I don't owe this Clan anything more."
"Bella-"
"Isabella. Not Bella, Isabella. Bella is gone. She died when they dragged her back here. She isn't buried inside, she isn't taking a break, I'm not pushing her away. She's gone. And with her, the Healer." I said, anger making my voice hard. I stood up and she rose to her feet with me, her eyes troubled.
"You want to know how I know she's gone?" I looked at her and started towards Healer's, not waiting as she hobbled after me.
I strode into the stillroom, startling Healers Kate, Joran and Tia who were talking to some junior Healers. Charis hobbled in as I turned towards her.
"You want to know why I'm not Healing?"
I stopped fighting the nausea and giddiness, I let it come as the scents of the stillroom overwhelmed me. I felt the nausea rise and turned, lurching towards the sink, retching over and over and over again. When I had nothing more to purge, I closed my eyes against the giddiness and spoke wearily.
"I can't Heal." I said, the pain in my voice audible even to my own ears. I turned around to look at Charis. "I can't be here without this. Now you know."
She hobbled towards me, took a cool cloth and wiped my face and mouth with it.
"You will Heal again when you are Healed." She said gently. "The old Bella may be different now, but her gift didn't die and neither did she."
I pushed her hand away from me.
"She's gone, Healer." I said, my voice now empty, devoid of emotion. "I'm used to it. So the Clan better get used to it too."
The room was silent as I left it.
OOOOOOOOOO
I held the pole over my head and began a fourth rotation of my exercises, even though my muscles ached and I was wet with sweat.
How could I have done that? Said all that? The control had slipped, the anger had erupted, I had gone from zero to a hundred in seconds and I hadn't been able to do anything to hold it back. What am I becoming, I wondered as my hands tightened on the pole. I didn't recognise myself any more.
Bella is gone. I felt sadness, pain, anger, resentment. I have a greater responsibility, do I? Didn't I serve the Clan? Didn't I do that out of gratitude and genuine caring? And what did the Clan do? Do everything in its power to take my freedom and chain me. Bella was gone because of them. Fuck them.
The pole snapped in my hands.
"Enough."
I turned towards Edward, standing at the balcony doors watching me, his eyes narrowed.
"You're exhausted. Time to stop." He said, glancing briefly at the snapped pole in my hands.
"I'm not done." I turned and got back into position. He was by my side in seconds and had twisted the snapped pole from my hands.
"You are now." He said evenly.
"Great, another person telling me what to do." I pushed past him into the room. "Volterra is full of fucking dictators." I headed for the bathroom and slammed the door shut, locking it. Cold shower, you need a cold shower. Cool off. Now.
When I emerged, refreshed but still nowhere near cooled off, he was waiting for me, his emerald-green eyes dark.
"I'm sorry, I forgot to ask your permission to bathe." I said sarcastically. "Forgive me, my Lord."
I saw him restrain himself with an effort.
"You don't normally do exercises twice in a day." He said, his voice tight. "What happened?"
"Can't I exercise when I want?" I demanded. "Oh, no, wait. I can't do what I want. My will is yours now."
"Stop it, Bella." He said, face steely.
"It's Isabella." I corrected coldly.
"Are we going to talk about what happened?"
"Now you want to talk." I laughed mirthlessly. "Now, when it suits you? We talk when you feel like it, we live how you want to. It's all your way now. Revenge must be sweet. Having fun controlling me?"
" 'Controlling' you?" He asked, his tone dangerous. I was pushing and I didn't care, I was so angry.
"I'm here, aren't I? You dragged me back here. If that isn't control, what is?" I retorted angrily. "What more do you want from me?"
"You want to talk about control?" He snarled at me. "What about what you did? You didn't try to control both our lives? It wasn't just your life, it was mine you played with. If that isn't control, what is?" He threw my words back at me.
"Edward, the victim." I taunted, voice thick with sarcasm. "You poor thing."
"Bella, stop." He bit out.
"It's Isabella. I think you must like playing the victim." I goaded. "Being the one everyone feels sorry for and roots for. 'Awww, poor Edward, his mate is just awful, how could she reject him?'. " I mocked.
He went white.
"You're quite the Clan catch." I continued. "I'm sure it's a mystery why I don't want you. Can't be helped. I don't." I shrugged in mock nonchalance.
"Really." He said in a voice so low I almost didn't hear him.
Suddenly, he was in front of me, one arm curved around my neck.
"Let's see, shall we?" He said quietly. And before I could move or speak, he had his mouth on mine.
This wasn't a gentle kiss like before. This wasn't a sensual seduction. This was fire, pure and simple.
His lips were hard on mine, making me gasp, and when my lips opened, his mouth plundered without hesitation. He kissed hard, deep, barely giving me time to breathe. His tongue didn't taste this time, it ravaged. I didn't even try to pull away, I just melted into his embrace. The hand behind my neck brought my head closer to him, so he could deepen the kiss and control it, while his other hand was holding me close up against him. He took his time kissing me thoroughly, roughly, not giving me any space to think or even breathe much, demanding my response, till I was kissing him back without even being aware of it. At some point he lifted his head from mine, eyes blazing black, so close that I felt I was drowning in them.
"Should I stop?" He asked, his voice gravelly. I couldn't think, just lifted my mouth to his again and obligingly, he fastened his lips on mine, beginning all over again.
Dimly I could feel him pulling the front of my robe to the side and sliding a hand under it to my shift. I felt him yank the shift up above my waist and when his hand touched my bare skin, we both reacted, him with a sharp breath, me with a groan. I felt his arousal against my stomach and moaned into his mouth.
He jerked back then and when I opened my eyes, his face was inches away from mine, his own eyes closed and a muscle twitching in his jaw as he breathed in deeply, an obvious fight for control. I became aware of myself, feeling a deep shame at how I'd lost myself, my cheeks flaming as I realised how intimately close our bodies were. I tried to pull away, but his hand at my neck was firm and his other hand slid down to my waist to keep me where I was, keeping me in his embrace firmly but gently, with the ever present reminder of our exchange pressing up against my stomach.
Eventually, he opened his eyes, no longer black but still a dark green as he gazed down at me.
"I'm sorry." He said, his voice low and serious. "I shouldn't have done that."
I hadn't been expecting an apology, so I just stared at him.
He slowly released me and stepped back, one pace and then two, taking some of the intensity with him. I exhaled slowly as we watched each other.
"Intimacy isn't a game." His jaw tightened. "I don't ever want force between us."
Force. I laughed derisively before I could stop myself. This whole bond was forced. His face hardened and I saw him take a deep breath.
"That's not force. You're my mate." He said, voice tight.
"Something I have no say in." I laughed again, hearing the bitterness in my voice. Something flashed in his eyes and was gone.
"It's not something either of us can control."
"No." I said, bitingly, "So it doesn't matter how this happens, does it? Some would even argue I need to be shown my place. Why don't we just get it over with?"
"Don't push, Bella." He said sharply.
"Take what's yours, my Lord." I spread my arms out.
"Bella." I saw his hands clench, his eyes darkening to black again.
"What?" I demanded. "It's your right, after all. No one would fault you. I violated a whole bunch of Clan laws. You could chain me to our bed and no one would interfere. You're angry. You want me." I looked pointedly down at his arousal, clear evidence of the fact. "So let's get it over with, shall we?"
"I'm not doing this." He bit out. "I won't start our matehood like this."
"Our matehood?" I laughed and shook my head. "The one that began with you dragging me back?"
"The one that began with you hiding and then running because you didn't want to face the truth."
The words stung as he threw them at me. Unfair! my heart screamed, you don't know anything!
"Well you can face the truth now." His eyes were intent on me, burning. "We are mates. You might not like it, but that's what we are."
He took a step closer and automatically I stepped back.
"And while we're at it, face this." He stepped forward again and again I stepped back, away from him. "I trusted you. I told you everything. We were friends, I thought. But you didn't care. You knew and you ran. Forget matehood, you betrayed our friendship. So you'll forgive me if I'm a little upset."
His words cut deep, all the more because I knew he was being honest. This wasn't just anger speaking, this was pain. This was hurt. And every word he spoke was right, I knew that, so I said nothing. What could I say that would help?
"No excuses." He laughed humourlessly. "That's my Bella."
I shuddered at the tone of his voice as much as the words.
"You know nothing about me." I said quietly.
"No. You made sure of that." He said, voice hard. "But I'll tell you what I do know." He took a step towards me again and this time, as hard as it was, I tried to hold my ground, tried to keep my hands from shaking, tried to meet that intent gaze.
"I know you don't want to be here. I know you hate feeling this exposed. I know you're angry and you're hurting. I know you feel alone." With every sentence, he came closer and I fought hard to stay where I was, but I couldn't help one small step back when he was so close his scent overwhelmed me.
"I know you want me as much as I want you." He reached out and curved his hand around my neck again and when he touched me, I almost jumped, the heat was so instant.
"The mate bond." I managed to say, my voice thready. "That's not me."
His face tightened and he lowered his mouth on mine. I'd tensed, but his kiss wasn't hard or rough, it was gentle, soft, drugging, without any intensity at all. I was barely aware of his hand behind my neck, but I was so aware of his lips, his tongue, taking his time.
When he pulled away, my lips felt swollen, my breath was shallow, my body flushed with heat, tingling and tight, aching.
"You want me inside you as much as I do." He whispered as he nuzzled my neck gently, before raising his head and looking down into my face. "You. Not the bond. Another truth to face."
The hand around the base of my neck tightened slightly.
"But our first time will not be in anger." He said, voice low and quiet. "When I Claim you, it will be because we both choose each other. Not because we are trying to hurt each other. And not because of some stupid bond."
I stared mutely into his eyes.
He leaned down and kissed me again, a gentle peck on the lips.
And then he released me and was gone.
A/N: Thoughts?
