Jade resisted the urge to shoot the man opposite her one of her patented death glares. Another night of poor sleep was rapidly pushing what would usually be general annoyance into homicidal territory. As it was, a scowl was darkening her face which Lane was persistently ignoring as he stared her down.
"I don't understand why you're making it into such a big deal." Jade ground out, trying hard to keep her temper in check.
"Am I making it into a big deal? Or are you and you're just trying to deflect it onto me?"
Jade's restraint failed and she practically growled at Lane, his statement frustrating her beyond belief. She hadn't even meant to mention the showcase to Lane, it had just slipped out when she had been recalling Cat's visit to him. The fact that the showcase seemed to have caught his attention more than her retrieving her belongings from her mother's house or spending two nights without Beck also managed to both bemuse and irritate her in equal measure. Realising Jade wasn't going to say anything further; Lane tried another tactic.
"What stopped you from saying yes straight away?"
"Well you seem to have all the answers, why don't you tell me?"
This time it was Lane's turn to narrow his eyes at his student.
"Jade." It was a quiet warning but a warning none the less, begrudgingly Jade found she respected him too much to ignore it completely.
"It still feels too weird."
"Because of how your friendship with them all became strained?"
Jade fought back another sarcastic response, knowing she would only prove his point further.
"I just didn't realise what was happening and now I don't know whether or not I should be pissed at them, or myself."
"Do you want to be angry with them?"
"I did." Jade admitted, biting her lip as she tried to wade through the mismatch of emotion swirling through her head.
"And now?" Lane prompted.
"Now, I don't know. I guess they cared more than I thought." Her late-night conversation with Andre flashed through her head. She still couldn't quite understand why he had tried to take the blame as while she did feel resentment for the way they'd chosen Beck, she knew she never would have let them close enough to see what was going on anyway.
"And I'm tired of feeling like I'm dying under the weight of all this crap." Lane gave her a sympathetic look which made Jade want to gouge her eyes out; receiving sympathy had never been her forte.
"It's understandable you just want it all to be over and to move on, and there is nothing wrong with letting yourself move on if you think you're ready."
"But it's awkward." Jade realised as she spoke just how childish she sounded but Lane paid it no attention.
"If you think about it, it's no more awkward for you than it is for them. Seems like a good place to move forward from if you ask me."
Jade considered his words, realising there was merit to his argument. The thought of going back to school was not a pleasant one, but the need for normality was beginning to win out. Even more so, she'd enjoyed working on Andre's song with him; she wanted to know what the finished article would sound like, even if it was for Tori to sing. Jade gave herself a mental shake, aware she was still being a little unfair to her given that she'd tried to make amends in her own way as well.
"Talking about school, we need to discuss your workload."
Jade snapped out of her thoughts; she'd been wondering how long it would be before her lack of participation would land her in trouble.
"Don't worry, you're not in trouble." Lane continued, as if he'd read her mind. "The faculty knew it would be a few weeks before you were able to start picking things up again, but we need to devise a plan to make sure you stay on target to complete the year."
Jade nodded firmly, the thought of having to repeat a year was not appealing in the slightest.
"You may remember what I said a few weeks ago? About online assignments and project work being set."
Jade nodded again, vaguely recalling the conversation although the details were lost on her; she'd been rather distracted at the time.
"Well, start looking at it this week and see how you get on. If it's too much or not suitable for home working, then we can take it to the teachers. We'll talk about integration back into school once you've got back into the habit of working again."
Lane was now adept at reading Jade's smaller cues and saw her jaw twitch almost imperceptibly at the mention of a proper return to school. He decided not to push the topic further for the day, changing tracks once again to focus on her sleep.
"You said you still are not sleeping well?"
"It's better than it was." Jade stated resolutely, it may have been a slight stretch of the truth but at least the little pills usually guaranteed her a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
"But still not great?"
Jade shook her head, there was no point in lying after all the bags under her eyes tended to speak for themselves. Lane held back a sigh as he realised Jade was definitely not in the mood to share.
"Has it got any worse now you're going to bed on your own?"
"In a way." Jade admitted, hating herself a little bit with the admission. "It takes me longer to fall asleep and then to fall back to sleep each time I wake up."
She didn't like it, but she had grown used to sleeping next to a warm body. Actually, that was doing Beck a disservice he was far more than a warm body; he was a comforting bundle of warmth and familiar smells that made the silence of the night just slightly more bearable against the oppressive backdrop of the thoughts plaguing her mind.
"When I broke up with my partner one of the biggest problems I faced was having to learn to sleep in an empty bed."
Jade looked at Lane, torn between curiosity and a need to remind him that she and Beck had just reunited.
"Do you want to know how I coped?" Again, Jade bit down on a sarcastic reply, interested to see just how much Lane would reveal about his personal life.
"White noise. It's a decent distraction and somewhat a replacement to the sound of another person."
Jade frowned, unsure whether she should be upset he hadn't revealed anything more profound, although she supposed it was better than more suggestions for 'breathing exercises'.
"I'll think about it." And with that, Lane knew to change the conversation again.
Jade almost jerked as she came back to herself, realising she'd checked out without even noticing. She frowned as the overcast afternoon swum into place around her, realising more time had passed than she initially thought. She felt a stab of anxiety rear up inside her; she'd hoped that she would stop the whole 'disassociation' behaviour when she'd left the hospital but apparently not. The anxiety was suddenly hard to quell and even harder to ignore, rapidly threatening to turn into an all-out panic. She tried to breathe, not wanting to lose control and hating herself just that little bit more.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
Her hands were shaky, but she still found herself clenching both of them into fists. She couldn't even remember where her mind had been and therefore what had made her feel this way. A terrifying thought flashed through her head.
What if there wasn't anything making her feel this way?
What if this was just now what she was going to feel all the time?
Dread washed over her like an icy bucket of cold water, clawing at her chest making breathing feel almost impossible.
'No.' She thought albeit shakily. 'I need to get a fucking grip.'
Her resolve strengthened and her breathing became slightly easier. She flexed her fingers, then her good arm and carefully her bad arm. She rolled her neck from one side to the other, moving down to her shoulders in a mimic of some of the exercises her physio had given her. Slowly her breathing started to come under her control, the fog of panic started to clear and Jade felt in control once more.
Objectively, she had known that this would still happen; Lane had told her as much. She supposed she'd been lucky that she'd gone almost a week without and full on 'episode' but in that time she'd managed to forget the intensity with which they occurred, and how exhausted they made her. She fought a yawn, still annoyed even though she had the presence of mind now to know that, annoyance was also irrational. Sometimes she wished she could just hit a button and put her emotions on pause for a bit.
Pulling her Pearbook towards her, Jade logged onto the school server and downloaded her emails; she winced when it struggled to retrieve 30 different messages. A quick scan over the subjects indicated that all her teachers had stuck to their word and an assortment of work was waiting for her. She allowed herself a few seconds to feel overwhelmed before firmly pushing it to one side and blindly selecting an email to start with. As fate clearly had a twisted sense of humour, it was Sikowitz's acting class that she opened first.
Jade,
I've enclosed details for some interesting research I'd like you to do in keeping with the class topics I'll be covering in the next few weeks. I've also 'assigned' you a scene-write, your choice for topic and length but the only criteria is it has to be dialogue only. Any questions then just let me know.
Also, I hope you are recovering well. Your chair awaits your return when you are ready.
Sikowitz
(Your favourite coconut enthusiast.)
Jade had to read the email several times before it fully sank in. The tasks were easy and she had a feeling that was intentional. The note about her chair caught Jade by surprise, it seemed overly generous given the last time she had spoken to her teacher it had been when she'd stormed out of his room after he'd suggested she didn't try hard enough. Looking back, she was only a little bitter for his comment. She knew he didn't really mean it; he was probably trying to get some sort of reaction out of her but at the time it had been the tip of a very large iceberg. Still, there was something about the way he'd phrased the comment about her chair made her pause; it managed to somehow make her feel good and bad at the same time.
She clenched her fists again as she fought the rising frustration before pushing it to one side, trying to steel her resolve once more. Opening up a blank word document, she shut her eyes to visualise her assignment, a trick she'd learnt of Sikowitz himself, before letting her thoughts spill onto the keyboard.
Beck pulled into the parking lot, trying to ignore the apprehension growing in his stomach. It was a perfectly unassuming environment he realised as locked his truck, manicured beds of pretty flowers and desert-loving plants separating lines of recently re-painted parking bays. The whole thing set his teeth on edge. He still wasn't sure that talking to a therapist was going to help him at all, Jade was the one who had genuine issues whereas he was just reacting to what was going on. He'd slyly hoped that if he'd managed to act normal around his parents that they would let it drop for a bit, but his mother had pushed the appointment details into his hand before he'd left for school that morning.
He'd still been texting Jade throughout the day, hoping that it was as much for her benefit as it was for his, but she hadn't seemed to be in such a great mood. Saying goodbye to her the previous evening had been more difficult than he'd been anticipating; he wasn't sure who was clinging to who the tightest. He'd managed a more restful night but still woken with a feeling of dread that didn't quite make sense in the pit of his stomach.
"Beck Oliver?" A voice rang out across the parking lot and Beck's head snapped up to see a tall woman walking towards him. He supressed an inward groan.
"Yes, that's me."
"I thought it might be when you didn't come in, your appointment started five minutes ago."
Crap.
Beck genuinely hadn't realised that much time had elapsed since his arrival and, as he now realised, he looked like he was dodging therapy or afraid of it in some way. He followed the tall lady, who briefly introduced herself as Dr Jean Lucas although Beck already knew this from the card that had been hastily stuffed in his wallet that morning.
Her office was very typical, mostly calming and unobtrusive décor with two large chairs and a separate desk and chair. Beck awkwardly sat down, unsure as to how this would even play out.
"So, I believe it was your mother that made this appointment for you?"
Of all the ways Beck had thought the session would start, this wasn't one of them.
"Yeah, she wanted me to talk to someone."
"And I take it you don't want to talk to anyone?"
Beck paused, his confirmation on the tip of his tongue thinking his ticket out of here would be easier than he thought but something made him pause. Dr Lucas stared him down, half expectant and half intrigued at her latest patient.
"I think she thinks it's more serious than I do." He finally decided on the difference between him and his mom.
"And what is this 'thing' that you don't think is as serious as her?"
Beck shot her a look, not willing to fall into a therapist trap that he'd heard Jade rant about on multiple occasions.
"Didn't she tell you when she made my appointment?"
"Yes, but as an annoying therapist I like to get my patients to repeat things in their own words for my own amusement."
Beck had the decency to look slightly abashed as Dr Lucas's raised eyebrow accompanied her sarcasm.
"My girlfriend was involved in an accident, and I've been her support in the meantime and it's made me a little on edge." Beck was aware that it was a drastic oversimplification of the issues at hand, but it was the best he could offer at that moment. For all his reputation as an 'open book', there was definitely some self-preservation that stopped him from spilling the contents of the last few weeks to a complete stranger, even a highly qualified one.
"Okay, and what do you mean by 'on edge'?" Beck was surprised she'd skipped past the events completely and seemed to genuinely be questioning his meaning. Although he no longer thought he was being set-up, he wasn't quite sure how to answer her.
"I just got used to spending all my time with her so I get a bit tense when we aren't together for a long time, and sleeping is a bit rough as I get these dreams." He trailed off, still uncomfortable with the prospect of talking about it all to a stranger.
"I can see this isn't easy for you Beck so why don't we back up a bit, this is only your first session after all. Why don't you tell me about you and your girlfriend, or maybe your family and we'll work up to the other stuff?"
Beck scrutinised her seemingly earnest expression, feeling the slight tingle of relief that he wasn't going to be forced into providing tonnes of detail on painful and very personal topics in the first fifteen minutes.
"Well I met Jade back when we started school together…."
Beck left Jean Lucas's office feeling different to how he went in, although he couldn't have told anyone exactly what was different; it was almost as though he felt lighter somehow. He'd spent the majority of the session talking about either himself or Jade, his parents occasionally factoring in. He'd briefly described the accident, probably just enough for Dr Lucas to understand the type of issues he was dealing with as she had managed to make well placed comments and suggestions without ever talking down to him; for which, Beck was immeasurably grateful. He wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing her the following week, but he wasn't dreading it now as he had the first appointment.
As he drove back out of the parking lot, heading east towards Mr West's house, he found himself going over the different things' Dr Lucas had said.
Logical, stress response.
Situational anxiety.
Post-traumatic stress.
He'd bristled at the third comment as that was Jade's diagnosis, but Dr Lucas had cut in almost straight away explaining the differences between PTS and PTSD. Where one was a normal reaction to an event or situation where symptoms would get better with time and usually with minimal intervention whereas the other was a mental illness that was characterised by a wider variety of symptoms that were difficult to control and drastically affect the ability of the sufferer to function in every day life. The description had seemed so clinical to Beck at the time but now he thought about it, it made his own struggles easier to understand. Of course, his brain was overreacting, what was it supposed to think given everything that had happened; people had been far more traumatised over far less as Dr Lucas had explained.
It gave him a stronger sense of accepting towards the anxious feeling that was still following him around, as though he finally understood a bit more why it was there. He only hoped the peace he'd managed to gain from the appointment lasted longer than a few hours, as he felt like he could focus more clearly than he had in a while. He suddenly indicated left, deciding he might as well turn up with some of Jade's favourite takeout in an attempt to cheer her up given her withdrawn demeanour earlier that day.
Beck found the door unlocked as Jade had promised and he found himself wiggling quietly through it with the sushi boxes balanced with his backpack, hoping he could surprise his girlfriend just a little. He gave a quick glance at the shut doors, confirming that Mr West was indeed out of the way before crossing to the stairs. He could hear the television, or was it talking? Perplexed he carried on and was surprised to find the television off and Jade outside on the balcony, still talking to someone but interspersed with piano.
"Jade?" He decided the surprise wasn't worth it if he caught Jade unaware. He watched her back perk up at his voice as she called him out to the balcony.
"I bought Sushi." He greeted as he stepped out onto the balcony "Oh, hey Andre!" The source of the voice and piano had suddenly become apparent as he saw Andre on the facetime on Jade's Pearbook.
"Hey man!" Andre greeted briefly before turning his attention straight back to the music at hand. "So, you think keep the climax as simple as before?"
"Subtle layering is more powerful than a full orchestra suddenly appearing out of nowhere, just make sure Vega works on her alto belt range and it'll sound decent."
"Decent?" Andre teased, knowing it was the closest Jade would get to paying Tori an actual compliment. Jade simply raised her eyebrow in response, a half scowl forming on her face.
"On that, I'm going to hers now to rehearse – want me to call you from there to carry on working on it?"
"Nope, I trust you with it from here." Now it was Jade's turn to tease, but Andre didn't pay her any bother and ended the call with a smile.
"Productive evening?" Beck asked as he passed her a carton of her favourite sushi, earning him a coveted Jade half-smile.
"Productive afternoon I think, I managed to start with some schoolwork for Sikowitz and Carter before Andre called to help him finish the song."
"Is it sounding good?"
"Of course, it is." Her harsh words were belied by the quiet sparkle in her eyes that Beck had sorely missed. They sat quietly for a few minutes, eating and trading cartons with no actual talking required. Jade realised she had missed this as much as Beck had, the level of familiarity they had shared which meant sometimes they could almost read each other's minds. She wasn't certain but Jade though Beck looked different to the day before, somewhat calmer and more put together; maybe he was sleeping better than she was. Her heart sank slightly as she remembered her least favourite part of the day was fast approaching; Beck noticed her change in demeanour.
"Hey, everything okay in there?" He asked softly.
Jade shook her head, playing with the rice between her chopsticks instead of eating it.
"Just tired."
"How was it with Lane today?"
Jade prickled but resisted snapping at him, reminding herself it was only because he cared, and he would probably accept whatever answer she gave.
"Same as normal, although he is now also onto me about the stupid showcase."
"Well I promised I won't ask you about it then." Beck teased gently, drawing a small smile from his girlfriend.
"How about you? Wasn't it your turn today?"
Beck had told her about therapy after Cat had left the previous evening and she'd been cautiously optimistic that it was the right decision. The caution came from Beck's obvious reluctance to attend but it seemed now as though it must have had a positive effect on him.
"Yeah it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Dr Lucas was alright and not too annoying; she had this way of putting things which seemed to make everything a bit clearer." Beck stared off into space, a look of calm passing back over him; he missed Jade's slight frown as it flitted across her own face.
"That's good."
Beck nodded, again missing Jade's slightly strained tone.
"Hopefully I won't have to go too often, at least until my parents are satisfied that I'm sane."
This time he didn't miss the sudden tension in Jade's posture.
"Sorry – I didn't mean it like – I mean it was a really poor choice of words."
"Beck, it's fine." Jade cut him off, but she had put down the carton of food altogether.
"No, it's not, I wasn't thinking and-"
"Beck!" Jade wasn't in the mood for his apologies, the words had stung, but she knew he didn't mean them; it wasn't the words that were bothering her so much as his whole situation. It was irrational but she found she was jealous of him. Jealous of his parent's caring so much they set him up with a therapist, jealous of how he went to one appointment and already started to feel a bit better. How long had it taken for her to reach a similar place? How much more work was she still going to have to do to try and get a normal life again? It was enough to put off her food entirely.
Beck had also placed his own chopsticks down, now feeling guilty at Jade's sudden withdrawal. He moved both their cartons out the way and slid closer to her. She was tense for a moment before accepting his offer of an embrace.
It was much later in the evening when Beck laid awake long after Jade had fallen asleep, his comments from earlier in the evening still playing around in his head. He looked down at her sleeping form, a slight frown still gracing her face, and he resolved to do better tomorrow.
As another morning dawned, Jade was again awake to greet it; continuous sleep was becoming an increasingly elusive concept for her. She tried to feign sleep as Beck surfaced, in a double attempt to not worry him while also hoping to avoid awkward conversation carrying over from the previous evening. She wasn't sure he fell for it, but he didn't pester her all the same, instead keeping her tucked close into him while playing gently with her hair.
The peal of the alarm disturbed the peace as usual and Beck was pulled from the bed. The last few mornings Jade had been making an effort to get up earlier in a bid to help her body reset it's sleep clock but today the weariness in her limbs seemed a bit too much. Her decision was sealed when her phone buzzed with a message from Lane telling her he would be late that morning due to a mishap at school. She managed to ignore the worried look on Beck's face as he re-entered the room dressed for the day to find her still in bed.
"Are you not feeling so good?" His voice was timid, the worry glaringly obvious which only served to make Jade twinge with guilt.
"No." She replied honestly, and Beck's face managed to fall further.
"Anything I can do?"
"I don't think there's anything I can do." She stated quietly, the oppressive weight sitting on her chest had seemingly grown overnight. Beck checked his watch, knowing he was running perilously short on time but not wanting to leave Jade as she was. Deciding a few minutes late would be worth it, he crossed back over to the bed and enveloped Jade in a tight hug; the same type his mom had always given him when he needed comforting. He felt her hand clutch his shirt tightly in response before letting it go and giving him a gentle prod.
"You're going to be late for school."
"I can stay if you want?"
"No, you can't." Jade said softly "I'll be fine, I've got to learn how to deal with this, right?"
It wasn't that Beck didn't want to believe her but the words coming out of her mouth didn't quite match up with her tone or the blank expression on her face.
"Okay, but promise you'll call if it gets worse."
"Promise."
He believed her a little more that time and with a last kiss to her cheek, he left the room. As he hurried out the door, he nearly flattened Vera who was just arriving.
"Hello Beck, in a hurry, are we?"
"Yes, sorry! Jade's not having a great morning and I lost track of time."
Vera looked at him sympathetically.
"Now don't you worry; I'll keep an eye on her this morning."
Despite the rush he was in, Beck found himself oddly touched by Vera's words and he thanked her before jogging over to his truck. It was only as he was reversing down the driveway that he realised he was genuinely reassured by the housekeeper's promise, and that it just might be enough to settle the worst of his worries for the morning.
Vera waited a full twenty minutes after Jade's usual breakfast time before deciding to take matters into her own hands. Mr West had entered briefly and then left without even realising that his daughter wasn't occupying her usual seat out on the patio. She walked quietly upstairs, taking a moment to listen to ensure she wasn't encroaching on Jade's privacy but heard nothing. She resolved to just poke her head around the door, just to check that the young girl was okay and then she'd retreat but those thoughts left her mind when she saw that Jade wasn't asleep at all. She was lying on one side on the bed, gazing straight out into space almost unblinking and Vera found it disturbed her more than she cared to admit. No one that young, with their life in-front of them should ever look like that.
"Jade?" She kept her voice quiet, not wanting to startle her before edging into the room. Jade's eyes flickered in recognition, but she made no real effort to get up.
"Can I get you anything Jade? You didn't come down for breakfast."
Vera was level with the bed now and saw Jade shake her head.
"Do you want to get dressed? I could run you a nice bath if you want?"
"No thanks." Her voice was croaky and quiet, only serving to worry Vera more; she approached the bed.
"Are you just having an off day?"
Jade nodded slowly, still not making direct eye contact with Vera who found herself sinking onto the side of the bed, her knees not permitting her to stand at the odd angle for any longer.
"It's alright you know, to have off days." Vera stated quietly, "I don't know what you've been through, but you've been through more than most your age have I'd bet." She absentmindedly started gently patting Jade's leg that was buried under the covers, reminiscent of the comfort she'd provided to her boys when they were laid up with the flu.
"I think it does everyone the world of good to have an 'off' day once in a while, you need to recharge and just feel down before you can pick yourself back up again." Vera's musings were interrupted by a quiet sniff. She looked up, shocked to see tear marks tracking down Jade's face.
"Oh, my love." Her maternal instinct flooded her as she moved closer to the head of the bed, noting immediately that Jade made no effort to move herself away. She pulled her clean hankie from a pocket and wiped the stray tears away before holding out her arms and gathering Jade into a gentle hug. Any thoughts she'd had on the stairs about maintaining dignity and boundaries were swiftly chased from her head as she felt Jade cling onto her arms.
She rocked her very gently, trying to provide comfort that the girl so obviously needed but wasn't getting, and maybe hadn't had for many years. It didn't matter that she'd only known her a little over a week, to Vera she was someone in need of a helping hand, of love and support; something Vera knew she could help with it and she wanted to help with. She couldn't imagine having ever abandoned her sons the way Mr West (and apparently the late ex Mrs West) had done to Jade.
Jade wasn't sure what had been the final straw but when the tears had started to fall, she couldn't stop them. There was something in the way Vera was talking to her, the kindness and acceptance in her voice that made Jade yearn for more. It was ridiculous, or so she tried to tell herself, she barely knew the woman really but for some reason her presence was more comforting than she had ever imagined.
As Vera had wiped away her tears and wrapped her in an embrace, Jade realised she had been craving this type of interaction without even knowing she was. It was the way her mother used to make her feel when they had an ice-cream floor party after her and her dad had been arguing, a feeling she could only just remember feeling before. She found herself clinging onto the woman, letting the sweet smell of some generic floral perfume and fabric condition cocoon her in the hope it would chase away the demons in her head.
So, this is a shorter one which is a bit slower in some ways, but I wanted to show that, like true love, the course of recovery never does run smooth. Jade is still fighting but it isn't plain sailing all the way and she still is discovering the things she lost out on over the years. I hope you enjoyed the slightly different take on things – feel free to drop me a review and let me know.
Big thank you to all you lovely people who reviewed the last chapter and to everyone still with me at this point in the journey.
